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Everything posted by womanofthelight

  1. It's still shocking to me that people who are not "disabled" don't think depression is real. Or real enough to make going to work possible, or if you do go to work, do a good job at it. They just don't get it that emotional pain is just as powerful and relevant as physical pain. I have actually, in the past felt, guilty about calling in sick because I didn't know how I would get out of bed, wash my face, brush my teeth, put on my clothes -- there's so much to do before you even get out the door!!! I actually felt ashamed when I couldn't put on the brave face--the smiling face--and kicked myself inside for not being able to perform. Fortunately, those days are over.
  2. Ashamed of myself because I haven't achieved most of the things I set out to when I was young. Life hurts.
  3. Yes, being alone is sometimes difficult. I've lived most of my adult life alone, and only toward the end of that time did I have the kind of difficulty I thought I'd never surmount. I owed the IRS $14,000 because for YEARS I'd claimed three dependants so that I'd take home more money. I felt L.A. was just pushing me out. I was in a bad car accident, which wasn't my fault, but still, fault or no, there were injuries that I'm still dealing with today. At one point after the accident, the pain in my back was so bad I screamed when I had to stand up. I'd role out of bed onto the floor, and crawl around my apartment. For three months. I had some epidural injections which shrank the bulging discs, but which no one told me would wear off, and that I'd be in pain because of stenosis and the complication of scoliosis. After the car accident, I got hit by a car--not badly, but still . . . . Then, another time I was walking on the bike path and not the dirt path in my favorite park and was side-swiped by a speeding car; not enough to call a "hit," but enough to knock me to the ground as it zoomed by. (WTF??!! I asked myself????!!) It's hard to be alone and injured and financially compromised. When I got fired from my job, my needy, two-faced supervisor allowed my having unemployment benefits, so I figured it was a good time to just leave town and regroup in my hometown, which has turned out to be . . . .a long time. It's a long boring story, but I wanted to say don't be afraid to ask the people you know for help. You'd be surprised how willing to help they may be. It's hard to do, but it can yield miracles. I found a tax preparer through a friend, who put together an "Offer in Compromise" for me with the IRS. I was able to settle with them for $3,000 instead of the $14,000. And I HATE paperwork and stuff grownups have to do. But, paperwork is one of the things we unwittingly sign up for if we live long enough. You will weather this storm because you have to. All the little boxes needing to be checked, signatures to be had, paper, paper, paper. I have faith in you that you'll do it, though. Take those necessary breaks. Come back to it when you feel clear, no matter how many breaks you take. I'm rooting for you.
  4. Yes. The voice requires maintenance. I remember in recent years, hearing Joni Mitchell and how her voice had been destroyed (I thought) by cigarettes. Then I heard her on her latest album (I think), and she had RESTORED HER VOICE!! No doubt with lessons, but still . . . my chiropractor keeps telling me that the body is a regenerative thing. It wants to heal and be healed. (This, however, doesn't seem to hold true with replicative fading. Cells copying cells copying cells and the toner getting lower and lower and lower.) Hmmmmmmmm . . .
  5. YODELING!!!! "Jänzigrat-Jüz" by Jodlerklub Bärgblüemli Schattdorf (I can't find a translation of the title. Can anyone help?) It makes me so . . . . happy! Love it! I wonder if I had a past life in Bavaria?!!!!!! Yah. Life in zeh fatiland . . . Zoz ver zeh days . . .
  6. My parents and I were out to dinner, and I asked them this question (because I knew my answer [I had a couple, actually]!): What musical would you live in for a day or a lifetime? Dad answered Singin' in the Rain; Mom answered Sweeney Todd, and I said The Music Man. (I love the period circa 1915, and Harold Hill's "Think System." If you think it, it can be so!)
  7. Aw, s h i t, JD. I'm sorry to hear this, but relieved for you on another level. I know this job has been a daily misery for you, so being freed from that is a good thing, I hope. As for our ideas about work (that we don't love) and chains (that we hate) and "just getting by" as opposed to "living," I lost my job in L.A. in 2010 and left town. I had time to regroup and set my sights on what I wanted to create in my life, thinking I'd just slip right into the Next Thing. But Plan D did not work out as I had hoped, as Plans A, B and C had trickled off into nothing after beginning with success. But there have been respites, surprising new friendships and work on my health, which in recent months, seems to be improving. JD, I want to believe for you and me and all of us, that we are "on assignment" (I have a kind of Jesusy friend who refers to periods of time as such in relation to being uncomfortable where we are), and have changed where we've been for the better (like, say, Mary F u c k i n g Poppins). Your assignment has ended. You have one here at DF, and every time I read something you've written--no matter how low or high you are when you write it--you make that moment in my life better. You're wise. You're smart. You're empathetic. These are exceptional qualities, JD, and I have great respect for you. I don't know what the period between now and the Next Thing will be for you, but I wish you hope and success and eventually gratitude for the change that was not yours in deed (but had been so for a long time in thought--yes?). I'll be following you. You're in my thoughts.
  8. Hi, I wonder if things would be this bad for you with others (caring for you) if you were seeing them in person. Maybe you are seeing them in person . . . yes? I moved back to my home town a few years ago and had no friends. So I started going to a "Meetup" group (do they have those where you are?) every other week and it took time for me to ask to meet someone socially, but I did, and she has turned out to be a good friend. However, she is one to highjack a conversation by ONLY talking about herself if I let it happen. I told her my perspective, and she was very apologetic and vowed to be aware of it when we were together. She's good most of the time, and when she's not, she doesn't resent my saying so. There developed a strange change of habit, however, with another one or two other people from the group (it's a group focused on "Law of Attraction") who were joining us on a regular basis for late dinners after the meeting, and even getting together socially on the weekends. I finally thought I had a social life until it just STOPPED suddenly. They weren't available to go out afterwards, or on weekends. I confronted one of them about it--not accusatorily, just heart-open, wondering what was up. I asked if I had done something to offend her, told her I missed her company--and she FROZE. There was OBVIOUSLY something wrong, but she lied and said everything was fine. I don't know if this turnabout came because she asked me once when we were alone, "how do you deal with C__________ talking nonstop?" I told her I was just up front about C's sometimes inconsiderate lack of courtesy in conversation, and she replied "I guess I just don't have that kind of relationship with her." But, we have only spoken impersonally since--and it's strange. I figured I did what I could to address the situation, and having learned that if one person doesn't want the friendship or romantic relationship, the relationship must be let go. It still smarts, but I've found that most people just . . . don't know how to have a direct and truthful conversation. If you feel a friendship is worth it, just ask the other person(s) what's up--why you don't hear from them, etc. There's nothing wrong with you.
  9. Yes, I've both given and received the silent treatment. I've not given it in many years--and will never do again-- because I figured out that my silence, or their silence, was indicative of insecurity, fear of rejection and unexpressed anger. If they're giving you the silent treatment, the silence is the best they can do at this point. They probably have not given themselves permission to have negative feelings, so they can't speak to you in any depth just yet. Back off and give them the space to grow. Finding your voice, owning who you are and what you want takes a long time for some. Hope this helps.
  10. Hello, Bradly, I thought I'd respond to your post just to let you know that you're not alone, and tell you that I've exhibited the same behavior in my life. I've obsessed over a couple of lovers at various times usually because I've been at a crossroads and have had no idea what to do next. So my mind has taken me to thoughts of the particular man, brought about by triggers in my environment and circumstances. For instance, I'm once again living in my home town where I never thought I'd have a permanent home again. Being here, driving the same streets I did when I was in college, has brought up feelings of regret about one relationship, and I've found myself lately fantasizing about this man, though I KNOW we are not right for each other. (There's a movie [a comedy] called "Blue in the Face," in which in one scene, a woman sits at her vanity looking at herself, thinking aloud about her boyfriend, "Oh, Auggie! You'd be so perfect if only you were different!") Is there anything you like to do and are good at? Maybe . . . do something you like, and make a career of it. For example, set small goals for yourself--even daily goals--to recommit to yourself and your life. I have a list of six activities posted above my computer monitor, with the title, "Do Daily." I maybe do THREE, but I can see these six things are still good for me, and would maybe even take me to a different mindset--one of hope and possibility. Anyway -- I'm thinking of you and wishing you peace.
  11. As for shopping, I have over 300 items in my Amazon shopping cart. I can spend hours debating "keep?" or "delete?" Or looking for something else I don't need but wouldn't mind having. Another reason I like online shopping is that I DON'T HAVE TO DEPEND ON MY WALMART OR KROGER OR ALDI OR WHOEVER to have what I liked the last time but cannot find again. (I feel so pissed and disappointed that I made the trip to the store out of faith in a vendor to keep it stocked (*#$%#@@!!!)). Shopping online, I'm nearly always assured that I'll find it, if not in one online store, then another, and I don't have to run around town looking in one store after another. Disappointment is far more exhausting than going from store to store looking for s h i t I'm not going to find.
  12. Hi, KR1010 - I've been on MANY antidepressants over the years. I've tried nearly every SSRI and now I'm on Wellbutrin. Paxil was GREAT for the time it worked (I'm the only person I know who lost weight taking Paxil), emotionally, and mood-stabilizingly. Then, after a few years, it just stopped working. I felt like I'd been dropped off a cliff, and was in a morass of deep depression for quite a while. Fortunately I worked evenings, so I had a lot of time to talk myself into getting out of bed and going to work. But it was so hard. I've been on Bupropion (Wellbutrin) for a few years now, and I like it, though I think my "normal" is darker and more intense than other people's. I don't expect to be full of laughs and jokes. Maybe this is as good as it's going to get for me. I've never tried an MAOI. Maybe give one of them a shot? Wishing you the best -- WOTL
  13. Lee Marvin's former home in Tucson: 7,193-square-feet set on 6.2 acres; six bedrooms and 6.5 bathrooms. Views of the city and the mountains, a full guest house, a pool, tennis court.
  14. Hello, my friend, Regret is the HARDEST thing I've ever lived with. If I could create a ribbon to measure, it would wrap around the world twice, at least. It sits down to breakfast with me, peeks from inside the closet at night . . . it is with me everywhere and all the time, and I hear myself saying aloud sometimes, "Gyod, I hate myself " or "I should have died a long time ago . . . " But I'm trying something new. I realized I actually reach for those painful thoughts sometimes because I think I deserve to be unhappy because of all my bad, bad choices. So lately, when I'm feeling neutral, I try to create a new, painless thought to join me in my neutrality. Like, messing around with my tablet, or listening to music on my computer while I research things I've always been curious about; continuing with my creative writing to get through the sorrow (or the glory)--distraction, distraction, distraction. I think this mental activity can be practiced as one would a musical instrument. When I hold myself back with pain, it obliterates the possibility of a better present, a better future. So I remain inert and in pain that may one day **** me. I have to make a conscious effort not to go to the place of pain - and it's like developing a new skill. I don't have a measure of success, and I have a bad habit of comparing myself to others and their successes, which only brings on more pain. And I'm tired of it. So. Very. F#$king. Tired. I empathize with you completely, and I wish you peace.
  15. Sick of grief. Sick of regret. Don't know what to do about either. Grief is not a journey. It’s a trudge through mud that tires the body, the mind and spirit until exhaustion and inertia leave you weak and heaving. I have been advised by those who know that grief never leaves, but transforms into something I can live with. I’m still waiting.
  16. Not sleepy yet. Might as well exercise . . .
  17. I'm tired of being afraid, and trying to get to a better emotional place. If I could **** the fear, or at least snub my nose at it, I might see a future. Does anyone see a future? I wonder. If we do, what does it look like? There are lots of Positive Thinking Groups that believe that if you see what you want to create, you've taken your first step toward creating it. If that's true, and I don't know what I want based upon past experience and current world/national/personal conditions, do I even stand a chance of creating something better? I BORE MYSELF TO DEATH with my anxiety and sadness. I write poems. I work on two other writing projects. I'm envious of my brother, who, after YEARS of pain and uncertainty, has created a WONDERFUL NEW LIFE for himself. (TWO jobs in fields in which he has experience and passion!!!!) In fact, I think I have to stop following him for a while on FB because it just fuels my envy. I say "envy" because "jealousy" is different in my mind. Jealousy implies, to me, accompanying resentment and small mindedness. I don't resent him. I just feel low about myself because I haven't figured out my next steps and every day brings me closer to the grave. That's why, I think, it's just easier to crave death. I can't see ahead and I'm stewing in inertia where I am. And interia is SOUL CRUSHING.
  18. There have been times I've thought my fire was inextinguishable. Not lately, however. I feel like I'm being smothered under the weight of responsibility for the condition of my life. Has every decision I ever made brought me here, or just the last 100 or so? I don't know. I don't think I care.
  19. “Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.” (Alice in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll)
  20. Were you able to rest then? It makes me wonder if we're just wired not to sleep much. I had a nutritionist tell me I didn't need much food or much sleep. If I were living in the Stone Age I might be comforted by that. As it is now, I want nothing more than to be unconscious for long stretches at a time. zzzzzzzzzzz . . .
  21. So, so tired. I NEVER sleep well. 4 hours a night, tops.
  22. I think "happiness" is a panacea; a totally false condition that, if you're not "happy," can make you angry and sad and feel diminished. My therapist made a good point in a recent session. Something like, "expecting to be happy, or trying to "create" happiness is a fallacy. Happiness is not something to aspire to. Would it be so awful if you just accepted that you're not a "happy" person and take your emotional life day to day?" More of that pay attention and live-in-the-moment stuff. Presence. We think we should be happy because that's what advertising does to us. Buy, wear, smell, eat, sleep . . . only the BEST. Totally unrealistic and out of the question. If you look at the commercial, the movie, the tv show and see only happy people IT IS A LIE. Live your life as yourself; be present for each moment and acknowledge any small thing you succeeded at in the course of a day. I think the best I'll ever be is "content." But what do I know? Still Crazy After All These Years.
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