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Everything posted by womanofthelight

  1. Charlee -- I'm sorry you're in so much pain. The things we've done or didn't do, or thought we should have done, can create such . . . . distortions of our true selves, so much so that we are unable to see what or who we really are, or what we can be. I don't know the cure for it because it's an issue I have, too. "Why didn't I do such-and-so," "Oh, I'm such an idiot . . . " A whole litany of hurtful thoughts I have hurled against myself, and while loss is a big source of pain in my life, I think sometimes self-hatred is worse. I, too, am a survivor of sexual assaults (years ago), the memories of which rear their ugly heads and then sink again in the dark pond of memory. Abuse of any and all kinds is wrong--especially the abuse we inflict upon ourselves, Charlee, because for me, anyway, it hurts so much more. And I'm unsure of how to love myself. In my darkest hours, I hear myself saying, "God, I hate myself," and/or "I wish I was dead . . . " because I think I just can't go on. But I do, because the decision to end my life would hurt many others. Is there a women's group in your town? Like, someplace you can go and hear other women's stories? I'm thinking of you, Charlee, and wishing you peace. WOTL
  2. Did 30 minutes of Taebo on Monday. I have to do 2 more workouts before Sunday. I wish I could to it the way I used to. After years of excessive exercise and two back surgeries, I cannot stand still for more than 30 seconds without wanting to scream--the pain is that bad. (I only know ONE person who felt better after back surgery.) I do a lot of it sitting, using 1 and 2 lb. weights, and can stand for 4 sections of repetitive movement in place--no scooting across the floor for me. I MISS being able to walk. Walking through space just kills me. I used to walk a lot (for me, anyway--20 miles per week) when in lived in NY and then in CA. When I first got back to my home town, I was able to do maybe 3 miles 4x per week. I've seen my health gradually worsen and I wonder what I'll be able to do one year from now, six months from now, tomorrow.
  3. You are wise not to contact her. As a woman who has tried a couple of dating sites, you close an account because (1) you're not making the kind of connections you'd like; or (2) you've found someone you want to date exclusively to see where it goes. If and when it hasn't worked out, I come back and reactivate the account until I get completely disgusted by the site ignoring my wishes , i.e., not filtering the possibilities as I requested, OR I try another site altogether. I wouldn't contact her on Facebook. It's unnerving when someone violates your boundaries. She may be on any number of other sites and may very well come back to POF if she has determined that her current choice is not a good one. I wish you luck with this entirely unnatural way of meeting people. Hang in there. And there's nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about liking someone younger than you.
  4. Maybe it's a let-down after a good time at the party. I'm sorry you're sad.
  5. Duck! I'm so sorry you're having a hard time with family, but glad for you that you left the house, even if it turns out to be short-term. You're a survivor, Duck. You ALWAYS take steps to care for yourself. If you go to youtube, you'll not only find some calming music for meditation, but guided meditations as well. Maybe they can help you sleep. Hang in there, my friend. I've missed you, too. WOTL
  6. I use the waxed cinnamon kind. It's thicker and easier on the gums.
  7. My mother told me she saw that I was an unhappy child. "Smile," she has told me she said to me once. "What's to smile about?" I replied. I can smile about many things, even find awe in music and in nature. But that veil of sadness and anxiety, that curtain that separates me from joy, always drops. I've tried meditating, affirmations, keeping a journal--I cannot seem to string moments of joy and happiness together into a continuum. Maybe no one can. I think I'll probably never be partnered. Any time I've been in a relationship, I've become tired of the work of it. And much of my work in the relationship was my maneuvering around this sadness--like if he really knew me, how could he love me? I'm glad I have you folks to understand and accept me. Thank you.
  8. Dissociation? Maybe. But it also sounds a lot like menopause--I am not mocking you, believe me! It may be an imbalance of hormones--which can happen at any age. I have experienced or am still experiencing all of those symptoms to a greater or lesser degree. I was fired from a job because of them. Give it some thought. Thinking of you and wishing you well --
  9. Grief has launched a full-on attack. I scream-cry silently into my hands, which cover my face. The pain is excruciating. I thought it would get easier, but when it happens I am knocked flat. I cannot share the depth of these feelings with my family, lest I bring them down when they're having a happy day or night. Oh, yay. Here comes migraine, the price of heavy tears. I don't want to live and I don't want to die. I just want the pain to go away.
  10. I ask myself that question, too. It's painful.
  11. Maybe they were high. It's a definite possibility. Thinking of you --
  12. Why there are so many gnats around! Didn't the cicadas take care of them???? If not, WHY NOT!!!!!!
  13. Hi, DayDreamer25, Congratulations on getting your permit! From the way it sounds, there will be NOTHING suitable enough to please the people in your life. Trust me, once you get your license they'll complain about your using the car. Anything and everything. (blah-blah-blah, whine whine whine . . . ) I've never had anxiety about driving. Of course, maybe, when I first started (maybe; can't remember). But I LOVE to drive. It's the only time I know exactly where I'm going AND I can be fully present. My parents and I are sharing a lease, and my mother accompanies me to some appointments I have, just to get out of the house. She has said: "You're happy when you drive, aren't you? It's the only time I see you happy." It's true. Driving is like a sedative for me. I drive carefully yet joyfully. I'm getting away from what I can't yet face, but I'm ready for whatever adventure lies before me once I get behind the wheel! Maybe changing the way you think of driving will make a difference. Think of what it has to offer: 1. Getting away (even temporarily) from your home environment; 2. Giving you the power to live moment to moment; 3. Playing music that makes you calm and happy. Try to think of it as something new. As an adventure. As FREEDOM. My best to you, dear.
  14. Ghost Story I am the ghost that haunts the valley where the five rivers meet and the trees are young. I’m told there is fire behind my eyes but it dies like torches dipped in southern waves or from its own heat, burned, dried up and blown away. I am haunted by pain and so I haunt. Einstein says energy can change in form. I may turn to dust here in the valley of rivers dreaming of cool water and a thicket of old trees where I would lie drowsing on the soft ground untouched by loss of you, of God, of the path I left behind. I take ghost steps in circles up and down the hills searching for courage and the life I wanted but did not make and may have to mourn as I do you, dear. Think of it: we could be incorporeal together; freed from earth and its material mischief. Instead, I challenge this of you and of God: If I asked you to haunt me, would you do it?
  15. Charlee -- I have the strangest feeling, based upon what my brother's friend told me about his passing. (He didn't tell our parents, me or any of our siblings.) She said she felt him go, and all around her she could hear/feel him say "What have I done?" Like what had he been thinking to not want the love he had been offered and even refused by way of silence? And, I think maybe, he had not seen the beauty in life when he was here on earth; that the view he had now that he was non-physical, allowed him to see there was so much more than he had ever imagined. So many more joys, so many more opportunities that he did not see when he was alive. Sometimes I want to be where he is. I feel him around me sometimes, quite specifically. I want to be with him, in peace. Nothing unsaid between us. Friends and siblings again. My imagination cannot even take me there completely yet. I have a hard time thinking of myself as out of this world, this body, this life. But I know death is the only certainty. And I think that if I could handle the uncertainty a little better, I might feel a little better. I think we, as depressed people, have the dullest yet the sharpest vision. That 'something extra' we see about life becomes a painful burden from which we cannot figure how to flip the switch. Maybe one day, you and I will have longer periods of joy and peace to juxtapose against the thudding, clumsy darkness. I'm thinking of you and wishing you rest. WOTL
  16. Maybe. Then again, you were having a tough time finding her. Maybe the deepest part of you, your unconscious mind, wants you to stay. Either way, I'm thinking of you and wishing you peace, however long it lasts.
  17. I was searching for calming music on youtube and found some! Better yet, was a post by the creator/creators, that I needed to hear tonight: "STOP. Yeah, you. I know you're reading this comment. Don't you dare scroll away. I dont know who you are or where you are from, but know that whatever pain, sadness, anxiety, or battles you are going through, know that it will all get better sometime soon. You'll be looking back someday and realize how thankful you are that you never gave up. Life can be a bit unfair and scary sometimes. But please don't let that stir you away from the beauty of it. Life is also full of crazy and amazing experiences. You see, there has to be a balance in life. You can't have good without bad, and you can't have bad without good. All these things you have gone through or will go through are getting you ready for something so beautiful in your life. So please, for the sake of all of us who love you (and yes, if you are reading this, whether you feel alone or like the world would be better off without you, know that you are loved by me and all of these beautiful people in this comment section) don't give up. You have so much more story to tell. Now get some sleep, its good for your health. And don't forget, each day is an opportunity to start something new. Goodnight and sweet dreams, love"
  18. My brother, one sister and I all look like (as my brother has said) "science experiments," i.e., how can a person sweat this much with so little or so short a period of exertion? Because we have EXTREMELY EFFICIENT COOLING SYSTEMS. Most people DON'T, so they're the "science experiments," not us.
  19. I'm sorry you are dying, both figuratively and physically. I hope your end is peaceful. I'd like to share some thoughts with you--and nothing to judge or advise. I've read a lot of books about what (may) happen(s) after death. I was not with my late brother when he died, but his former Love was. She said she felt him go, and the wash of knowledge that came over him when his soul left his body. She said she could feel him say/think/feel, "What have I done?" as though he regretted some of the things he'd done in his life. It is said that your whole life flashes before your eyes when it's your time to die; maybe it happens just after. I think sometimes life on earth must look very simple from those/that other plane(s) of being. That once you get to the Hereafter, you see things you might have done or not have done. Maybe life is easier than we think--I'm not talking about ignoring M***** and abuse and hatred, but more about connecting with our source/spiritual life while we're here. Maybe it we do, we'll be more inclined to nurture possibility. I've been in emotional pain nearly all my life, and my body carries pain now, too. What to do? I don't believe in religion, organized or otherwise. But I do believe in eternity and the eternity of my soul. I believe I'll have all the time I need on the other side, but my time here is limited. And on a good day, I make use of the time I have. Thinking of you with love and peace, WOTL (womanofthelight)
  20. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time! I can relate to much of what you've mentioned. I have boxes of things to sell on Ebay or Poshmark, but I can't get myself to photograph them, much less have auctions. I have to have oral surgery today and I dread it. Losing teeth is traumatic. It's a wisdom tooth (#32, I think), but there's also another one behind it that has to come out, resting perpendicular to the wisdom tooth, deep in the jaw. I have a crown on one tooth, have an implant for another, and have two other teeth that need crowns. What is this????????????????????????? OLD. AGE. It sucketh. That ball of distress with the escape of sleep is painfully familiar. I'm sorry . . . The lousy mental health care?! Ugh!!!!! I had a "therapist" (and I use the term lightly) once whose specialty was children, and our sessions were so . . . lame. All she had to offer was adult coloring books and hugs. I accepted neither and insisted on a transfer to someone new. Oy! Maybe you can be reassigned to a new person? It may be worth looking into. I empathize, and wish I had something wonderful and wise to say. But alas . . . . You're in my thoughts.
  21. Being mad at yourself for being depressed is your absorption of unfair and unreasonable social definitions. People nowadays pay lip service to "self care," but I think the majority of people still see depression as self indulgent and lazy. Horrible!! I hope you can forgive yourself for your sadness, grief, anxiety--all those emotions that our culture just wants to sweep under the rug. How would you treat a friend who came to you, depressed, sad, paralyzed, anxious? I KNOW you would understand. Try to see yourself as that friend who understands and treat yourself accordingly. I understand, too, that this is hard to do. It took me years. Take a shortcut, yes? Affirm somehow--every day!--that you are worthy of time and care and the freedom to nurture yourself. Thinking of you and wishing you the best.
  22. It's still shocking to me that people who are not "disabled" don't think depression is real. Or real enough to make going to work possible, or if you do go to work, do a good job at it. They just don't get it that emotional pain is just as powerful and relevant as physical pain. I have actually, in the past felt, guilty about calling in sick because I didn't know how I would get out of bed, wash my face, brush my teeth, put on my clothes -- there's so much to do before you even get out the door!!! I actually felt ashamed when I couldn't put on the brave face--the smiling face--and kicked myself inside for not being able to perform. Fortunately, those days are over.
  23. Ashamed of myself because I haven't achieved most of the things I set out to when I was young. Life hurts.
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