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womanofthelight

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Everything posted by womanofthelight

  1. Thank you, JD. He was cremated shortly after his death, and I'm not even sure where the ashes are. Oh, this life. Why am I still here . . .
  2. My elder brother died on September 2nd and we didn't find out he was dead until last week. He had estranged himself from us (his family of origin) one by one, and I FOOLISHLY, and afraid of being hurt, never challenged his decision for "no more personal sharing" SIX YEARS AGO. He was one of my best friends and then there was just . . . radio silence. He was a fabulous musician, so committed, so enthralled by the sound, the feel and the expression of music, I cannot imagine how his life's journey could have been better for him, creatively speaking. He was twice divorced, but it was the deterioration of the first marriage that made him . . . fragile in a way that he dared not show. He was tall, muscular and, it seemed to me, impervious to illness and death. But stage 4 pancreatic cancer doesn't just come from nowhere--I believe most illnesses come as a result of unprocessed or unexpressed emotion--and I when I think of him in pain, dying in hospice care, my blood feels like fire in my veins and scorches my heart to ash. I missed him, but was always certain we would be friends again. I thought he cut me off because I left CA to live in Ohio with our parents, from whom he estranged himself over 30 years ago. That it has taken me a long time to find an exit strategy (I have health problems, too--none fatal, as far as I know) . . . maybe he thought I would turn from him and choose my parents . . . or something like that. Who knows? HOW COULD I BE SUCH A COWARD? But then I think, he knew my address. Had he wanted me to know about him and his life, he knew how to reach me, but chose not to. I don't know how to bear this; grief is such an insidious thing. Thank you for caring, Mark, and my DF family.
  3. Thank you all so much for your condolences. Do you think our questions are answered after death? Or is our consciousness just snuffed out? My brother hated the word "love." When we were in touch, he never wanted to hear it or say it. Probably because his first divorce crushed him. I don't know. I'll never know. But I can say it now: ". . . You went away and my heart went with you I speak your name in my every prayer If there is some other way to prove that I love you I swear I don't know how You'll never know if you don't know now."
  4. My estranged brother is dead. He died on 9/2 and only his circle of friends knew. I thought he would come back to me/us. I prayed for it. I also prayed that I be the first of my family to die because I cannot bear loss. Why are my prayers not answered? Oh, Paul! Paulie. Take me with you!!!!
  5. Oh my God! I know the feeling. I've been "temporarily" living with my parents FAR TOO LONG, and most of my stuff is in boxes in the basement. I want to get rid of it, but when I think of all the sheet music, old-time family photos (pre 20th century), books--most of which I've read, but would like to have for a personal library--the dishes I dream of entertaining friends upon; my acting programs and photos from shows in which I performed; framed posters which I recently looked at to see if I still liked, AND I DO--I can't seem to part with it because in the back of my mind, I hope, I dream, of having a home of my own again. This will require another surgery, two rounds of physical therapy AND A LOT OF MONEY. So what do I do? The ONE thing I did a couple of years ago was throw out all my old journals. I was such a GIRL when I wrote them, and I wrote about the same old s h i t for YEARS. It's a start. I like to think so, anyway.
  6. Crying, which makes me angry at myself. I have much to be grateful for, but this is not the life I saw for myself. Is it too late to have what I want and need? Sometimes I think I'll never have the love of a man again. Never again be held in strong arms. Living a life where I can express my creativity; have a home of my own someplace warm and dry, with many substantive friendships and no worries about money. I'm so lonely . . . how many times do I have to ask that this be the night I die in my sleep?
  7. I had a run-in with my mother yesterday. (I'm living with my parents due to my physical problems of the moment.) I heard her from my room as she yelled at my father--who is nearly deaf-- and I can't tell you HOW MANY TIMES I've explained to her that when she does that it does nothing but hurt him, as though he is an errant child. He hears word for word now, not thought by thought. I went into the room where they were sitting, just to be a support to my father, and she yelled at me for some reason (I can't even remember why), and when she does that I've learned not to engage with her, but to walk away. Which I did, but I got to my room and cried because I was hurt. I just wanted to get away, so I called a friend, asked her to meet me, and she was a great comfort and support. But before I left, my mother asked me where I was going--as though nothing had happened. I was just about to get into my car, when I stopped to answer her: "There's something you should know. You HURT people. I dont' know how many times I've explained to you about the way you talk to dad, but I've never seen anything like it. YOU DON'T LEARN. You may think you're trying to be heard, but your tone is hideous, and does DAMAGE. And when you talk to me like that, all I want to do is get as far away from you as I possibly can. So I'm going out." She said, "That's good. And I'm sorry." Rationally, she DOES understand. But she is completely devoid of emotional intelligence, and always has been. It WILL happen again, I have no doubt. And finally, I see something in my family that I've never put together until now. Of five children and 2 parents as I was growing up, FOUR of us in the household--including my father--stuttered for a while. My stuttering was so bad that I was the only one sent to speech therapy for a couple OF YEARS. Being with her is being in an unsafe place, and I've been here long enough. I have to figure out a way to get out (I'm on SSDI for the moment), because her behavior in this regard is abusive. No wonder I settled for an emotionally abusive man in my last relationship. What a terrible waste of my heart and soul! I hope you come to a decision that is right for you; no one can do it but you. With love and peace, WOTL
  8. He is abusing you, and your tears make him feel powerful. He probably feels powerless in some aspect of his life and torturing you over a misunderstanding is putting a band aid on his inadequacy. I cannot advise you to leave your marriage because I've never been married. I have, however, been in an emotionally abusive relationship and your husband's behavior is grossly familiar. Pick up the pieces of yourself that have been broken, and decide what your next step will be. Whatever it is, I wish you the love and happiness you deserve. WOTL
  9. That time of night . . . listening to some Music to Cry By, trying to exorcise the grief I feel about my life and the many mistakes I've made.
  10. How many times do I have to ask or demand that "the Universe" or god or whoever just LETS ME GO. Let this be the night I die in my sleep. Oh, please . . .
  11. Hating myself tonight for things that seem beyond my control. I've been here in Ohio too long, but can't afford to leave and don't know where I'd go if I did. Los Angeles was very painful with "friends" SO. BUSY. I never saw them. Don't want to be lonely there again. Living with my parents and recovering from illnesses (structural) has zapped me. I need to feel like an adult again, but I feel like I'm going through a second adolescence--and GOLLY, THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN THE FIRST TIME. My two back surgeries have yielded very minimal results. Just had a "Conformis" knee replacement in June and I'm healing well and quickly from that. But none of this would have been necessary had I felt "good enough" about myself so that I'd not exercised myself to death FOR YEARS. I'm grateful to still have both parents, but I know I don't want to live much longer. I'm . . . just . . . lost. Next step(s)? Off a cliff. Oh. That's right. Ohio doesn't have any.
  12. As I wish for you, too. Thank you for your kindness. Our (your) thoughts are lovingly expressed in this song by David Wilcox. If I had a spell of magic I would make this enchantment for you: A burgundy heart-shaped medallion With a window that you could look through So that when all the mirrors are angry At your faults and all you must do You could peek through that heart-shaped medallion And see you from my point of view. xo, WOTL
  13. Like I'll never be physically well again. Like a broken thing. Like I'll never find love again because I'm a broken thing. NOBODY wants a broken thing.
  14. No insurance or income. What country do you live in? If you live in the U.S., apply for Medicaid immediately. Go to a crisis care center and they may have the forms, or to a library if you have no computer, and apply online. Also, apply for SSDI. (Social Security Disability Insurance). You will more than likely be turned down, but once you are, a law firm will contact you (there must be lists of rejections that are of public record), work for you and GET IT FOR YOU. They will take their payment from your first check, and that will be the end of it. Please don't lose hope. This illness will tell you "you can't", but depression is a liar. Best to you, dear.
  15. Angry Afraid Tired
  16. Like I wish life would just let me go.
  17. I feel like I have no courage.right now Where did it go? I want to hide under the covers all day.
  18. I understand completely, sweetie. I was talking just yesterday to my therapist about that. So glad about the news about your dad. Love, WOTL
  19. . . . like I hope I come to an end on the operating table next week. Don't want to go on in this physical realm.
  20. Song lyrics keep running through my head. "Goodbye" from the Netflix German T.V. series "Dark." (Group is Apparat) Please put me to bed And turn down the light Fold out your hands Give me a sign Hold down your lies Lay down next to me Don't listen when I scream Bury your doubts and fall asleep Find out: I was just a bad dream Let the bed sheet Soak up my tears And watch the only way out disappear Don't tell me why Kiss me goodbye for Neither ever, nor never Goodbye Neither ever, nor never Goodbye Neither ever, nor never Goodbye Goodbye
  21. Thank you so much, Sophy. I'll check that out later today. My best to you -- WOTL
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