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Everything posted by womanofthelight

  1. I'm so sorry, Sober, for your most recent loss and for every other loss you've ever experienced.
  2. Anxious. Panicking. Grief never really goes away, I think. The loss of a pet, a loved one, a dream. I don't understand why life has to hurt so much. The older I get, the more I realize that I know so little. How do I navigate these waters? How do I keep functioning when all I want is for the pain to stop?
  3. Having a bad night. It is 3:00 a.m. and all I can do is . . . cry and type. WHY AM I STILL HERE? I AM SO USELESS! Unwell; unhappy; unfulfilled. A living death.
  4. Maybe it's a soul journey issue. My brother had a hard entry into, and a hard exit from, this life. I don't know why and it torments me. I felt him close to me after I heard of his death, but I have not recently. Paramahansa Yogananda says that we shouldn't mourn the passing of a loved one so woefully that it binds the soul of the loved one to this plane when it is destined for another. At least that comforts me a little. A long time ago, a childhood friend of mine died suddenly after a midnight jog. He was a pro basketball player and extremely, unexpectedly tall (none of his family was tall). We found out that his heart was enlarged--probably a defect from birth--and one of the vessels could no longer connect to . . . wherever it needed to be. All of us--all his friends and family--were stricken. It was just . . . SO F.R.I.G.G.I.N.G . . . WRONG. So I tried to comfort myself by believing that his soul was needed elsewhere. In answer to your question, I don't know. I just. don't. know.
  5. Welcome (back), vaultedSky. I understand very much of your experience. I've been depressed since I was a child -- some times worse than others -- and now I think I'm experiencing one of the worse times I've ever had. I have a lot of physical pain which GRINDS ME DOWN and makes moving difficult, though I make the effort every day. I was once athletic and now suffer from arthritis, partly from the years of exercise, partly from a car accident 12 years ago. Lately, I don't open the drapes in my room. There are times, however, when I go out that I'm soooooo happy--and that's when I'm driving. That may be because it's the only time I know where I'm going. I used to take long, solo road trips, but now I can't sit in a car for 6 hours, let alone 12. I have very little hope, but think I should get some. It will be a JOB. I think I still have work to do on this plane and until I get it done, I don't think I'll be released from it, and lord knows, I WANT OUT OF PAIN, ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION. So, maybe the more work you do on your thesis, the more your mind is engaged, the less time you'll spend worrying. Maybe. Thinking of you -- WOTL (woman of the light)
  6. Last night I dreamed I shed my skin and glided across the wonders of the beautiful world through soft grass and the dunes of burning deserts upon the mountains to their tops where my wings grew strong and thick against the sky. I am a creature both great and small carried yet steering to the heights and the depths of greater life in my fitful hours of sleep -- life that in waking hours I can barely just imagine. I wonder which is real – the dream or the waking bloom of tears and the warmth of light trees with their lavender leaves wide open and the sound of trilling birds? Give me respite, grief. I am tired. Harsh, dark winter is given rest so give to me the like. The helix of creation of which I am a part thrives around me surrendering to hope, to the efflorescence of forgiveness, to sweet sunlight, opening the garden doors in my heart where there has always been, and will always be, love. Paul -- I will see you again. Wait for me.
  7. Paralyzed with depression and anxiety. I don't know how to go on. I can't reach out to friends because they don't really get it. I have one friend, however, who does and she's in California. Maybe I'll call and ruin her evening, though she never receives me as though that's true.
  8. Natasha -- There are people I've fantasized ruining and WITHOUT DOUBT, would have, had I been in a position to do so. We all have darkness in us that we need to accept as a part of ourselves. It's part of what makes us whole. I do not ask what you did, but guilt is a useless emotion. I believe we make mistakes--mistakes in judgment acted upon to our detriment and the detriment of others. And then there are sins--decisions made and acted upon with deliberate selfishness to harm someone else, somehow vindicating ourselves or making our circumstances better. Whichever you have committed, you have the rest of your life to atone for it, and since we don't know how long we have left to live, it's best to get to it right away. AND ABOVE ALL ELSE, FORGIVE YOURSELF. That is the hardest thing in the world to do.
  9. There's an interesting, real-life journal of a boy who could see ghosts, called The Boy Who Saw True. He thought everyone else could see them, and was surprised to learn they could not.
  10. Mark -- These are phone sessions, yes? Are they monitored, the way our posts are monitored here? (I know DF isn't a professional site.) Maybe he's been required in some large or minimal capacity to report on his cases and trickle down some foolish and/or damaging new rules in order for the organization to cover its ass for whatever reason(s) (i.e., funding, etc.). It's been my experience that therapists, too, experience transferance and countertransferance and your leaving the relationship may be a good thing, or it may be the same response you've had in similar, past non-therapeutic relationships. And isn't it true that in some schools of therapy (Cognitive Behavioral, for instance) the goal is to be able to recognize our debilitating behaviors and change them? Yes, you may (and hopefully will) feel vindicated by dropping him and looking elsewhere for help, and I want that for you if you feel it is best. This thing requires kaleidoscope vision, and you seem to have that.
  11. Hi, Coloradogirl - It has been my experience with the many Scorpio man friends I've had in my life that Scorpios -- male and female -- "hear a different drummer" and always will. They have their own morality, which may or may not be in sync with the dominant culture's mores; have a concept of themselves as being the "Secret Prince" or Princess (unseen and unappreciated for who they are) and can be unwilling to share their feelings out of fear of a larger pain emerging if these things are spoken of. In this way, they create that very pain for themselves, though they will probably never see it that way. Scorpio is a water sign and their waters run deep. You've done well to let him know you're there to listen if/when he wants to share his feelings, and that's the best you'll be able to do with him. Unfortunately, this opening up will always be on his terms and in this, it's best for you to accept this and carry on with or without him, as best you can.
  12. Thank you, dear. You're so kind. I wish for you, too, whatever good you wish for yourself.
  13. Thanks, Brian, for the reminder and for the big hugs.
  14. Thank you, JD. I wish life was better for you, too.
  15. Passacaglia: The Death of Falstaff - William Walton Bournemouth Sinfonietta (dir.Richard Studt), Bournemouth 29 oct 1993
  16. Ends of the Earth - Lord Huron ". . . I was a-ready to die for you, baby Doesn't mean I'm ready to stay What good is livin' a life you've been given If all you do is stand in one place I'm on a river that winds on forever Follow 'til I get where I'm goin' Maybe I'm headin' to die but I'm still gonna try I guess I'm goin' alone."
  17. I want to die. How many times have I said this and meant it? Many, many many. But I clearly don't have the courage to do it, not do I want to hurt loved ones by doing it. This business of staying alive for others may be the "courageous" choice, but I am miserable and have been much of my life. Life just f u c k i n g hurts.
  18. I have no idea which brand of bupropion XL I use, but I'm on 300 mg per day and it keeps me functioning at a high level. I also take ginko-biloba and an herbal tincture called "Brain" from the American Botanical Pharmacy. Maybe you can get your burprion online. Online pharmacies require a written prescription be faxed to them and the hard copy mailed immediately (though they'll fill the prescription and mail it to you once they have the fax.). Just a thought.
  19. Not a movie quote, but a t.v./book quote: "Nothing f u c k s you harder than time."
  20. If he didn't wake up from this, if he wasn't here tomorrow... no matter. For I know he'd be waiting for me... in the afterlife... or some safe celestial place. In this life... and the next... and the next one after. And for whatever there is on the road that follows from here. It would only require my patience... to get to him again. Alma from Phantom Thread
  21. Yes. I finally understand what it is to lose someone from your nuclear family; your first Tribe. It hurts so much sometimes I don't think I'll be able to live with the pain. I just want it to stop. I will never see my brother again and that is SO HARD TO ACCEPT. I'm so sorry for your loss and for your pain. I'm with you, dear. WOTL
  22. That's how you feel at THIS MOMENT. Every moment that passes affords you the possibility of contentment. I've heard you feeling REALLY GOOD, and yes, you go up and down in extremes. I wish there was a way to string all the moments of contentment together so we could have a continuum, but life intrudes and hurts and f u c k s with our moments of peace. And that's our challenge. That's The Job for which we will never be paid what we're worth.
  23. You have to accept being a "poor guy anvil around her neck?" I don't think it's fair of you to think of yourself like that. We all have judgments about ourselves that DEFINITELY color our outlooks, but so does everyone! We all have our "stuff" as I'm sure she has hers. Brian, the way you help others here is . . . wonderful. You're a compassionate, logical yet feeling person. And I know when we write here on the boards, we're hearing each other's inner voices -- who we really are. And the man I hear is beautiful. (I wish I could date you!) Love and good thoughts to you -- WOTL
  24. I don't think happiness is something that comes, invited or uninvited. It's something we have to carve out for ourselves minute by minute, and trying to do so with depression and anxiety is an exhausting job. Then again, maybe there is no "happiness;" maybe, along those lines, contentment is the best we'll ever have.
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