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womanofthelight

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Status Replies posted by womanofthelight

  1. Feeling a lot of things right now, but mostly lonely. It's just a perpetual feeling, never seems to go away.

    Sometimes I question if anything is real at all.

    -Jalen

    1. womanofthelight

      womanofthelight

      I've MISSED YOU SO MUCH.  I'm sorry you're lonely.  There's no loneliness like the loneliness of not being understood.  I think I can speak for everyone when I say we are here for you; rooting for you; willing to give you the support you need.  Love, WOTL

    2. (See 3 other replies to this status update)

  2. Love is a razor, and I walked the line on that silver blade

    Slept in the dust with his daughter

    Her eyes red with the slaughter of innocence

     But I will pray for her

    I will call her name out loud

    I would bleed for her

    if I could only see her now

    1. womanofthelight

      womanofthelight

      Thank you for your wishes about my health, my dear.

      As for this woman, this is terrible news.  I, too, am a believer in the other worlds and dimensions around us, and wonder if there is some way a brother or priest could exorcise YOU to get the demonic tentacles out of you.  Is this possible?  Am I misunderstanding the possibilities?

    2. (See 5 other replies to this status update)

  3. Love is a razor, and I walked the line on that silver blade

    Slept in the dust with his daughter

    Her eyes red with the slaughter of innocence

     But I will pray for her

    I will call her name out loud

    I would bleed for her

    if I could only see her now

    1. womanofthelight

      womanofthelight

      As one skeptical of things all things "demonic," I think I agree with you.  So . . . what do you do?  Is it coming through her to you?  Is it she who is demonic?  You don't deserve to suffer this way. 

       

       

       

       

    2. (See 5 other replies to this status update)

  4. Love is a razor, and I walked the line on that silver blade

    Slept in the dust with his daughter

    Her eyes red with the slaughter of innocence

     But I will pray for her

    I will call her name out loud

    I would bleed for her

    if I could only see her now

    1. womanofthelight

      womanofthelight

      Oh, my friend.  Won't you please try to release her?

      Love,

      WOTL

    2. (See 5 other replies to this status update)

  5. The future's unset, and the end is always near.

    1. womanofthelight

      womanofthelight

      I'm exploring a couple of different options for pain relief.  One, surgery, for which I have not asked enough questions, and must should I decide to do it.

      The other option is a Dr. who's a DO and whose colleague in NY said my younger brother had the same kinds of issues (he's quite wealthy and has options about treatments, regardless of cost), though I don't think my brother was told he has a spine that is 20 years older than he (as I was), nor has he been in pain for as long as I have.  But one of his doctors has referred me to a doctor/associate here in Ohio, whom I plan to see ASAP,  considering I'm scheduled for "minimally invasive" and "results last forever" surgery on September 20.

      My aunt has been visiting again, and it breaks my heart to see her so . . . fragile and depressed.  She looks 10 years older than my mother, who is 5 years older than she.  She leaves tomorrow, and is already tearful about her departure.  She is returning to the MESS her husband left her when he died, and an entitled daughter and son-in-law she's taken in but neither of whom seems to think it's necessary to WORK for a living.  Hard to believe my mother and my aunt had the same parents.  Not that I'm a saint, but I have never lived off my parents' fixed income and have always purchased my own food and contributed to all household needs.  My aunt has COPD, thanks to living with a man who smoked for most of the years they were married, and as a retired RN, predicts that she will only be around for a couple of more years, tops.  WHY is life so painful for some?  She didn't know she was choosing a man who would be ****ed up by time spent in Vietnam (PTSD wasn't acknowledged in the late seventies), and who, even though he retired as a full colonel, ciphoned a lot of their money to their daughter and her husband, leaving my cousin with the idea that this is what she should expect of life.

      But enough gossip about my family.  Part of me feels it's disloyal, so I'll shut up now. 

      I hope that, by the time you read this, your visit will have gone well and that you'll be closer to a decision about the rest of your life.  I want you to live as free of emotional pain as is possible for you, and if you think this may be the answer you've sought, I hope it works out for you.  But will you be able to keep in touch with friends?  Maybe by snail-mail?  That's always been more fun.  I remember Back in the Day, when I'd look forward to a letter from a friend.

      Well, good-night, dear David. 

      Love,

      Marianna

    2. (See 3 other replies to this status update)

  6. The future's unset, and the end is always near.

    1. womanofthelight

      womanofthelight

      As the Three-Eyed Raven said to Bran: "The past is already written.  The ink is dry." 

      As for the end always being near, I suppose you're right, no matter your perspective on life.

      How are you?  I haven't been spending much time here lately.  Since I found out how to "hide" The Man I Love's posts and status updates, I'm more frequently on Facebook, taking silly quizzes, posting beautiful nature pictures, and revealing very little about myself.  

      So, what about you?  Tell me all. 

    2. (See 3 other replies to this status update)

  7. Sorry I haven't been on much, got a lot of sh!t going on right now.

    Not dead yet, guess that's good.

    Hope you all are doing okay.

    1. womanofthelight

      womanofthelight

      Yeah!  What rainingviolets said! 

      Also, I have a mantra that works.  "Things are always working out for me."  Say it when you feel good; say it when you feel bad.  It changes your energy and not only creates hope and gratitude, but manifests physical results.

       Thinking you with love, Jalen.  Miss you.

      xo,

      WOTL

    2. (See 2 other replies to this status update)

  8. Sorry I haven't been on much, got a lot of sh!t going on right now.

    Not dead yet, guess that's good.

    Hope you all are doing okay.

    1. womanofthelight

      womanofthelight

      Thanks for the update!  I've missed you.

      Take care --

      Marianna

    2. (See 2 other replies to this status update)

  9. I feel so good, who knows why, who cares why. 

    I love every one of you guys. You've all helped me so much, and I don't have words to show you how grateful I am, thank you so much.

  10. Well, I have learned over my many years of  painful experience, that what others think,say, or do concerning myself is SO unimportant.The only thing that really matters is what I,and my higher power think of me. I like myself today and that feels good. It takes lots of practice and positive self talk to come to this point, but it is worth it.

    1. womanofthelight

      womanofthelight

      I am mourning the loss of my brother and friend, who turned away from me without explanation -- as I've seen him do to others all of his life.  I've always thought, and still do, that unless you're my family, my friend or signing my paycheck, I don't[ have to care what you think of me.  The loss of a loved one, however, doesn't seem to have much to do with how I feel about myself.  I'm glad you've reached a place of peace.

    2. (See 1 other reply to this status update)

  11. WOTL,

    In your response in the Lower and Lower thread you mention to go to sleep when you feel at your lowest.  But what do you do when throughout the whole day it just feels like the low feeling just gets worse and worse?  Before I get out of bed I have all these tasks I plan on doing but once I actually get out of bed the low feeling kicks in and I almost feel immobilized and get various levels of anxiety attacks every time my phone rings or I see and email come through.

    I've been reading various posts for the past few days but this is my first respond to anything.  I've been on Zoloft for years now but for some reason in the past month things just seem to get worse every day.  I use to go to church every Sunday and now in the past month I don't even go anymore as I'm pretty sure it feels like God has it in for me!  I feel the only reason God hasn't let me 'end it' is I'm just his entertainment!  I feel like I'm soon going to be out of options.

    Thanks,

    EmptyFeeling

    1. womanofthelight

      womanofthelight

       

      Having a lot of tasks to accomplish can feel overwhelming; give you a punch in the solar plexus, and keep you paralyzed. 

      Accomplish one thing per day until . .  . you feel you can do more.  It's amazing what accomplishing ONE THING can do! 

      I was on Paxil for years until it quite suddenly stopped working and I felt as though I'd fallen off a cliff.  Unfortunately, this is what seems to happen with some antidepressants. 

      I would suggest you find a prescribing shrink (NOT an internist.  They are clueless about what depression means and what it can do.) and a therapist.  Just to get things moving.  You don't have to stay in therapy forever, but maybe you'll have to be on antidepressants for the rest of your life, or just -- indefinitely.  I'm currently on generic Wellbutrin and 5 mg. diazepam for anxiety because one of the side effects of Wellbutrin can be anxiety.

      I am amazed at how much better I feel.  Don't feel powerless; I don't feel as though I've taken a magic bullet, but it has shifted my outlook for the better.  My therapist is a bit of a dingbat (I was forced to leave my former therapist because the parameters that dictated the terms of her seeing long-term patients/clients changed), but seeing her gives me structure; someplace to go every two weeks, and occasionally she'll help me with something practical, like opening a piece of mail I've carried around unopened because I'm afraid of what it will say.  Just having someone there with me to face what's in that piece of mail helps!

      Maybe you read my posts that said I used to say every day that I wished I was dead.  Prayed for god to take me in my sleep.  Now I pray when I go to bed at night that I'll be the first to go in my family because I don't think I can deal with any more loss.  (My life has been . . . difficult emotionally, as are all our lives.) 

      But that I prayed for release from life and it has not yet happened leads me to believe I'm not finished here yet.  I have a purpose to fulfill, and just because it has not yet been revealed to me, doesn't mean it won't be. 

      I haven't gone to a church in years (lapsed FOREVER catholic), but I do believe in a higher power to which we are all connected, individually and universally.  That this higher power--this god thing/energy--is in all of us, and it is soooooooooo kind and loving.  Which makes it clear to me that when we perpetrate horrible things upon one another, those who commit those horrible acts are not in touch with it, or connected to it in a way that would mean the highest good for all.

      I wish you peace and the surrender to the action it takes to make that first step toward healing.

      Best to you always,

      WOTL 

  12. i am gonna stay in the shadows, not getting in anyones way

    1. womanofthelight

      womanofthelight

      Your words are important to everyone here. You help light the way, like all of us, even when you’re feeling bad. Hope you feel better tomorrow.

    2. (See 1 other reply to this status update)

  13. Feeling really sad and low right now. I feel like I need to cry. I hope I don't have a breakdown while I'm at work.

    1. womanofthelight

      womanofthelight

      Sorry you’re feeling so low. Sometimes crying helps, though. Hugs to you.

    2. (See 2 other replies to this status update)

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