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Everything posted by womanofthelight

  1. I'm afraid of all loss; of loved ones, of home, of stuff, of my capacities . . . everything. I have a great deal of anxiety about it and wonder what I can do to help myself. My sister says that fear and anxiety are habit. Maybe so.
  2. I take generic Wellbutrin (bupropion), 300 mg., but I do not relate my tinnitis to it. I've been on bupropion for years, but my tinnitis didn't start untl 2020. Maybe it's exposure to Covid? I don't know, but that's the closest thing I can see that might be related to it. Or maybe it's artificial sweeteners in diet soda pop. Sorry. I really can't say. What does your prescribing MD or psychologist say?
  3. Feeling lonely for the company of a man/men. When I was in college, all of my friends were men. It just happened that way. I had two brothers growing up, and though my elder brother and I didn't become friends until our thirties, my younger brother and I were close as late teens/early twenties and now we're just . . . he's very busy having a life and my elder brother is dead. (It STILL smarts to think of Paul as "dead;' to see it in writing is even worse.) My two sisters and I are close, though we live many miles away from each other. I'm living in the family home with my parents and they're becoming more dependent upon me as we age. I worry about what will happen to me should they precede me in death. I don't get enough SSDI to support the running of this house, and they're so close that when one of them goes, the other will not be far behind. There's really nothing to do in my home town and even if there were, I don't know . . . I never really feel good enough about myself to go try to make a friend somewhere. I'm tired and want to sleep until . . . when? I wake up d*ad, maybe. With my luck, I'll live until I'm 173 . . .
  4. I'm sorry to be reading this so long after you wrote. Call 911 or Get to an emergency room NOW. Inhale through your nose and exhale through your mouth. It really does work to bring nerves and anxiety under control.
  5. Feeling dazed and confused. Listening to music I love, but cannot seem to find the right music to inspire the writing of my novel. I have a lot of pages and words, but need to add a few scenes, characters and just can't seem to do it. I wrote a nonfiction book a few years ago which was easily inspirable because it was a travelogue of sorts, about the shift in spirit that comes with the connection to nature. (The stars of the book were places out west, which I long to see again . . . ) Hell's bells . . .
  6. Exactly! I had one of those tests to track my sleep. THERE WERE A MILLION WIRES on me and someone would come into the room and adjust them when they became displaced. Ridiculous. A diagnosis of no apnea, but no help in how I would get to sleep in the future.
  7. The Batman. I don't go to superhero universe movies--they're all innately silly. I was drawn to this one by the music in the trailers. I appreciate it when composers and directors make their intentions clear--i.e., am I punctuating beats of action/dialogue in the picture? Am I using silence as though it were music? I liked this Batman mostly for the score and the concept of BM being a weirdo vigilante instead of a superhero.
  8. That sounds awful; I'm sorry you suffer so! Sleep has always been dangerous ground for me, too. Actually, the lack thereof. My insomnia started at puberty and has stuck around all my life. In order to sleep without waking, I take 4 over the counter sleep meds (2 Alteril, 2 "Rest,)" my nighttime anti-depressants (that have a side effect of drowsiness), futz with my gabapentin, taking half the daily dosage, but all at once--then top it off with another over-the-counter sleep med called "Sleep Optimizer." I kid myself by thinking "At least I'm not addicted to Ambien or some other prescription sleep med." I also sleep in a slumber mask. Has sleep always been this way for you? I used to have a sleep paralysis recurring dream where something beneath me would clamp its arms tight around me and sometimes touch me inappropriately. I used to dread sleep, yet hope for it every night. I left that apartment, that state, and moved West to CA. It took a couple of years for me to realize I hadn't had that dream since I moved, nor have I had it since leaving CA. This, compiled with a few poltergeisty incidents led me to believe that whatever it was that wouldn't let me go, let me go once I left NY. Was it a spirit? I don't know. Was it simple paralysis? I don't know. I rarely have sleep paralysis now, and on rare occasions if I do, it's usually a nightmare that wakes me. Maybe buy a slumber mask (Amazon: about 6 dollars); try an over-the-counter aid; and/or meditate once you lie down for the night. Meditation can be simple as counting each breath--in and out equals one whole breath--up to 4, and start over: rinse, repeat. Here's hoping you get the rest you need and deserve, however it comes. WOTL (woman of the light)
  9. I've found that many organizations go fishing for skilled people and then say they can't or won't do what was promised in the ad. It's a shitty way to get a stable of skilled people on a waiting list, that they won't even say is a waiting list! I'm sorry this hasn't worked out. I've looked for at-home jobs many times, and when I go through the motions of their "registration" process, I find that I have to PAY for that "registration." It looks like the job market and the scam market are linked in ways we can't even imagine. You have a right to be upset.
  10. Unfortunately, the insensitivity of man towards man is a factor that many refuse to talk about or acknowledge. I'm sorry you're feeling the effects of it. Is there any way you can take a paid sick leave? A car accident and follow-up treatment like you've had warrant a MINIMUM of 90 days to recover from, both physically and emotionally/psychologically! And it's possible the soft tissue injuries you've sustained won't kick in with all their pain until maybe weeks later, at which time you'll know you need musculoskeletal repair/treatment. Do you have insurance? Did anyone take x-rays while you were in the ER? If not, that's okay. But you'll need some if/when the pain kicks in. I was in a bad car accident in February of one year and didn't take leave until three months later for 90 days--during which time I had massage and physical therapy, and eventually steroid injections in some of the discs in my lumbar spine. Trust me, when/if you're recovering, you're not doing ****-all with your time! You may have to go into battle for yourself with this job, but that is a worthy cause! You have my thoughts and good wishes. PM me if you need to talk or have any questions. WOTL
  11. Hello -- I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. The family situation is quite challenging. HOWEVER, like the order the flight attendants give you on a plane, you need to take care of YOURSELF FIRST, so that you're able to assist someone else. I would suggest that you look into getting SSDI. Your health is bad, so you would qualify. Apply for it. The government ALWAYS turns down the first application. It happened to me. I thought I would have nothing to contribute to my parents' household--I would hate living off them. After all, they are retired and on a fixed income. HOWEVER, don't let that first refusal get you down. There must be list of rejected applications available -- just "out there," because a lawyer from a firm in Chicago (I don't live in Illiinois!) called and offered to assist. The deal was that he would take his fee off the top of the RETROGRADE benefits and take that as payment in full. It happened! I get a monthly deposit of SSDI benefits in my checking account. This is just a suggestion. But taking practical steps to help yourself will surely diminish your feelings of helplessness. Thinking of you -- WOTL (womanofthelight)
  12. Start making a plan, with the end game being your leaving. Look into a new place to live, the financial requirements of living apart from your spouse, the logistics of your child's special needs/education and a possible loving home for your pet. Accomplish one thing per day to this end, whether it be posting here on DF, or window shopping ads for homes/apartments/whatever. Keep your eye on the prize of your making your life peaceful, joyful and guilt-free. Baby steps produce hope, which is priceless. Good luck to you.
  13. Man invented time, based upon logic and observation--the earth revolving around the sun; however many hours of darkness or light--it's a clever concept, designed to give us emotional/physical/intellectual landmarks. Yet the whole idea is fraught with deadlines we impose upon ourselves, our definitions of good or bad, success or failure, etc. These measures of distance from one point to another can be . . . well . . . terrifying. Replicative fading of our cells, the physical changes that take place are devastating with the passage of time. To me, anyway. I look back at things I was able to do, and can do no more, and feel helpless and angry that I've never found a modality to ease my physical pain. So time marches on and I feel worse every day--especially in winter in the Great Lakes States. But the body is a self-healing, miraculous thing. Yet how much can be healed when the toner is low on the cell copier and we're allotted no print cartridges? Its a conundrum. In other ethereal states or locales--the astral plane, for instance--THERE IS NO TIME. Just souls trying to heal from the lives they left behind. I have felt that I "missed the wave" in almost everything. Like, I didn't watch the original Star Trek series until the 80's--wow! Glad I finally caught up. I missed it in my chosen profession and now I can barely stand for two minutes without wanting to scream because of the pain in my back. There are so many good roles I want to play on stage! So very many roles for a woman in middle age. Chekov, Ibsen, O'Neill. Ugh! I was taught that "my body is my instrument." Now my instrument is pretty much useless for the things I'm called to do. So how do I work around that? Is time the enemy? Unfortunately, I believe so. Will I ever make peace with it? How does one do that? I'm rambling now. Good night, all.
  14. I'm angry. And sad. And . . . hurt. I have a friend of many years who I found out was recently in town and didn't contact me. He had been heavily on my mind and I didn't check up on him. Just as well I didn't. I'm ashamed of my life and myself and all I want to do is sleep and not wake up.
  15. Frasier! (My sister and I see ourselves as Frasier and Niles. I'm Niles because like the TV Niles, I would definitely tweeze a muffin if I didn't like what was in it.)
  16. Whether the abuse you suffered is ongoing or in the past, I'm sorry that you're suffering now! Tell me (us) about it when you're ready. The folks here at DF are always ready to support you. Take good care, my friend. We're listening.
  17. Ellie Rose -- (wonderful name, by the way!) Yes. I get it. I'm sorry you feel down, because when you're down, it's so hard to look . . . up. The only thing that gets me by is dreaming of a better future that I have no idea how to get to. Being stuck sucks, and I have to find a way to get out of this marsh, this sadness, this grieving for the life I never had and the one I may never see. Getting "unstuck in time," like Billy Pilgrim (ever read Slaughterhouse Five?) enough to take one step forward. Maybe tomorrow or next week I'll feel well enough to take another step. It is said that just putting one foot in front of the other is the only way out, the only way forward. And depression says you can't do it. Even when I'm "happy" there's still a kind of sadness in me. I had a grief counselor tell me that maybe it's okay to be who I really am--a little sad--and not have to explain it to anyone. The trick is keeping the bigger shroud of darkness at bay. Like making a kind of truce. Ellie Rose, I don't know what to say other than I'm sorry you're in pain, and that I hope that you, that we, can take steps forward to something better. Thinking of you and wishing you hope and courage -- WOTL (woman of the light)
  18. You, too! Do you mind sharing something about how you feel?
  19. Yes. Disappointed hopes. Why do we keep going? The daydream of the alternate life is actually hope, I think. You still have the imagination to create . . . something. Don't you think? The life you want? I wish it so. We're about the same age, JD, and every night when I go to sleep, I give thanks for the people I love and who love me. BUT. It just isn't quite enough, is it? (I feel nervous and scared saying that--like the life I'm not so grateful for will get worse and present more challenges I don't have the energy to face.). There are other things, other places I've wanted see and I fear I'll never get there. The things I want but have no hope at this point of getting. When I lived in Brooklyn ("Borough of Homes and Churches"), I'd look at the beautiful brownstones and/or big Victorian houses with lights in the windows and wonder what life would be like if I lived in a place like that. I wanted that but never got it. When I lived in Los Angeles, I saw the beautiful Spanish style homes and wanted to have one. It never happened. I'd travel to the desert, to the red rocks of Utah and Arizona and want to settle there just because of the beauty of it! Nope. I've always been on the short end of money. What do I have to do to get more??????????????????????????????????????? These new age theories of visualization and meditation . . . I don't know. I did them a few years ago and really did manifest some miracles. I lost a tooth, which had been held together by a post and core for SEVENTEEN YEARS. I investigated implants and I got a dentist in training who chose me (she had to choose one patient) to give the implant for dirt cheap, and she did a WONDERFUL job. I always claimed more allowances on my paycheck because I needed to bring home more money than the job paid. So I set up a payment plan with the IRS where the total ballooned so high that when I got fired (yep!) from my job I felt panicked, and nauseous and horrified. Not only because of my tax debt, but because I was in an abusive relationship and the only way to get that man out of my life was to move. So I contacted a tax preparer who told me about an Offer in Compromise, where I'd make an offer to the government of a much lower amount than I owed, which I would have to pay in full at the time of agreement. The Offer was accepted. I got a call from a friend in my home town (when I moved, that's where I went) asking me if I was interested in a temp teaching job at my Alma Mater. I said yes (even though I hadn't taught in years), and JD, the reason I was there became clear to me at the end of the gig. I had a student who was much older than the kids in the class and he read a book on my suggested reading list. He wrote me the most beautiful email about how the book had changed his life and how grateful to me he was that "when the student was ready, the teacher appeared." [sic] The things I have wanted most in this life have been to have a beautiful home and to share what I have to give with the world. I finished and published my book simply because, as my sister says, I was "following orders." (You know, that voice in your head that when you clear away the dark, comes through SO STRONG WITH THE LIGHT--?). Yeah, my book is out there but I have to find a way to market it. The thing about hope is that it requires courage, and I think I'm all out. Being in physical pain every day and every hour adds to depression which amplifies pain, which deepens depression in a vicious, debilitating circle that's wearing me down. Who am I now? Not the woman I was who accomplished only some of the things she wanted . . . I'm out of both courage and hope, which are the two things I wish for everyone on this forum. How else will we get by?
  20. I'm sorry you're hurt and frustrated. Meeting a potential mate is so much harder these days. I started dating in the years before the smartphone, so proximity to dating sites was sporadic and really limited. When I finally did meet someone via a dating site (which was not the only way I met men), the result was SO. HORRIBLE. BECAUSE: I thought I could "settle," and in doing so, damaged myself nearly beyond repair (so I thought) and hurt the person whom I thought would be a "long term project." (Who am I? Henry Higgens? Bad, bad, bad decision!) It took this last lesson in a relationship to finally make me learn that you can't change someone--only yourself. I know this isn't your issue, and I'm glad you're still saying "no" to what you know is not right for you! Whatever you do, keep that standard in place. As for disappointment, I too, have had many in romantic entanglements, and though I'm not consciously pursuing anyone right now, and am content to be single, there's that little part of my brain that thinks I might feel better if I shared the love I have to give with a significant other. I did, however, discover the true "love of my life," which is music. It has always been so, even though I wasn't consciously aware of it until recent years, and I'm grateful beyond measure to have had a childhood where music was introduced to me in vitro. It's infinite variety surprises me every day. It comforts me, stirs my creativity and helps me see things from other perspectives. Keep at it. It takes courage to know one's self and keep to the path you know is right. I have every confidence in your finding what you're looking for. It may just require patience. There are so many great women in the world, and you have the advantage of there being so many more women to choose from than men! My best wishes to you.
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