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womanofthelight

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Everything posted by womanofthelight

  1. Unfortunately, the insensitivity of man towards man is a factor that many refuse to talk about or acknowledge. I'm sorry you're feeling the effects of it. Is there any way you can take a paid sick leave? A car accident and follow-up treatment like you've had warrant a MINIMUM of 90 days to recover from, both physically and emotionally/psychologically! And it's possible the soft tissue injuries you've sustained won't kick in with all their pain until maybe weeks later, at which time you'll know you need musculoskeletal repair/treatment. Do you have insurance? Did anyone take x-rays while you were in the ER? If not, that's okay. But you'll need some if/when the pain kicks in. I was in a bad car accident in February of one year and didn't take leave until three months later for 90 days--during which time I had massage and physical therapy, and eventually steroid injections in some of the discs in my lumbar spine. Trust me, when/if you're recovering, you're not doing ****-all with your time! You may have to go into battle for yourself with this job, but that is a worthy cause! You have my thoughts and good wishes. PM me if you need to talk or have any questions. WOTL
  2. Hello -- I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. The family situation is quite challenging. HOWEVER, like the order the flight attendants give you on a plane, you need to take care of YOURSELF FIRST, so that you're able to assist someone else. I would suggest that you look into getting SSDI. Your health is bad, so you would qualify. Apply for it. The government ALWAYS turns down the first application. It happened to me. I thought I would have nothing to contribute to my parents' household--I would hate living off them. After all, they are retired and on a fixed income. HOWEVER, don't let that first refusal get you down. There must be list of rejected applications available -- just "out there," because a lawyer from a firm in Chicago (I don't live in Illiinois!) called and offered to assist. The deal was that he would take his fee off the top of the RETROGRADE benefits and take that as payment in full. It happened! I get a monthly deposit of SSDI benefits in my checking account. This is just a suggestion. But taking practical steps to help yourself will surely diminish your feelings of helplessness. Thinking of you -- WOTL (womanofthelight)
  3. Start making a plan, with the end game being your leaving. Look into a new place to live, the financial requirements of living apart from your spouse, the logistics of your child's special needs/education and a possible loving home for your pet. Accomplish one thing per day to this end, whether it be posting here on DF, or window shopping ads for homes/apartments/whatever. Keep your eye on the prize of your making your life peaceful, joyful and guilt-free. Baby steps produce hope, which is priceless. Good luck to you.
  4. Man invented time, based upon logic and observation--the earth revolving around the sun; however many hours of darkness or light--it's a clever concept, designed to give us emotional/physical/intellectual landmarks. Yet the whole idea is fraught with deadlines we impose upon ourselves, our definitions of good or bad, success or failure, etc. These measures of distance from one point to another can be . . . well . . . terrifying. Replicative fading of our cells, the physical changes that take place are devastating with the passage of time. To me, anyway. I look back at things I was able to do, and can do no more, and feel helpless and angry that I've never found a modality to ease my physical pain. So time marches on and I feel worse every day--especially in winter in the Great Lakes States. But the body is a self-healing, miraculous thing. Yet how much can be healed when the toner is low on the cell copier and we're allotted no print cartridges? Its a conundrum. In other ethereal states or locales--the astral plane, for instance--THERE IS NO TIME. Just souls trying to heal from the lives they left behind. I have felt that I "missed the wave" in almost everything. Like, I didn't watch the original Star Trek series until the 80's--wow! Glad I finally caught up. I missed it in my chosen profession and now I can barely stand for two minutes without wanting to scream because of the pain in my back. There are so many good roles I want to play on stage! So very many roles for a woman in middle age. Chekov, Ibsen, O'Neill. Ugh! I was taught that "my body is my instrument." Now my instrument is pretty much useless for the things I'm called to do. So how do I work around that? Is time the enemy? Unfortunately, I believe so. Will I ever make peace with it? How does one do that? I'm rambling now. Good night, all.
  5. I'm angry. And sad. And . . . hurt. I have a friend of many years who I found out was recently in town and didn't contact me. He had been heavily on my mind and I didn't check up on him. Just as well I didn't. I'm ashamed of my life and myself and all I want to do is sleep and not wake up.
  6. Frasier! (My sister and I see ourselves as Frasier and Niles. I'm Niles because like the TV Niles, I would definitely tweeze a muffin if I didn't like what was in it.)
  7. Whether the abuse you suffered is ongoing or in the past, I'm sorry that you're suffering now! Tell me (us) about it when you're ready. The folks here at DF are always ready to support you. Take good care, my friend. We're listening.
  8. Ellie Rose -- (wonderful name, by the way!) Yes. I get it. I'm sorry you feel down, because when you're down, it's so hard to look . . . up. The only thing that gets me by is dreaming of a better future that I have no idea how to get to. Being stuck sucks, and I have to find a way to get out of this marsh, this sadness, this grieving for the life I never had and the one I may never see. Getting "unstuck in time," like Billy Pilgrim (ever read Slaughterhouse Five?) enough to take one step forward. Maybe tomorrow or next week I'll feel well enough to take another step. It is said that just putting one foot in front of the other is the only way out, the only way forward. And depression says you can't do it. Even when I'm "happy" there's still a kind of sadness in me. I had a grief counselor tell me that maybe it's okay to be who I really am--a little sad--and not have to explain it to anyone. The trick is keeping the bigger shroud of darkness at bay. Like making a kind of truce. Ellie Rose, I don't know what to say other than I'm sorry you're in pain, and that I hope that you, that we, can take steps forward to something better. Thinking of you and wishing you hope and courage -- WOTL (woman of the light)
  9. You, too! Do you mind sharing something about how you feel?
  10. Yes. Disappointed hopes. Why do we keep going? The daydream of the alternate life is actually hope, I think. You still have the imagination to create . . . something. Don't you think? The life you want? I wish it so. We're about the same age, JD, and every night when I go to sleep, I give thanks for the people I love and who love me. BUT. It just isn't quite enough, is it? (I feel nervous and scared saying that--like the life I'm not so grateful for will get worse and present more challenges I don't have the energy to face.). There are other things, other places I've wanted see and I fear I'll never get there. The things I want but have no hope at this point of getting. When I lived in Brooklyn ("Borough of Homes and Churches"), I'd look at the beautiful brownstones and/or big Victorian houses with lights in the windows and wonder what life would be like if I lived in a place like that. I wanted that but never got it. When I lived in Los Angeles, I saw the beautiful Spanish style homes and wanted to have one. It never happened. I'd travel to the desert, to the red rocks of Utah and Arizona and want to settle there just because of the beauty of it! Nope. I've always been on the short end of money. What do I have to do to get more??????????????????????????????????????? These new age theories of visualization and meditation . . . I don't know. I did them a few years ago and really did manifest some miracles. I lost a tooth, which had been held together by a post and core for SEVENTEEN YEARS. I investigated implants and I got a dentist in training who chose me (she had to choose one patient) to give the implant for dirt cheap, and she did a WONDERFUL job. I always claimed more allowances on my paycheck because I needed to bring home more money than the job paid. So I set up a payment plan with the IRS where the total ballooned so high that when I got fired (yep!) from my job I felt panicked, and nauseous and horrified. Not only because of my tax debt, but because I was in an abusive relationship and the only way to get that man out of my life was to move. So I contacted a tax preparer who told me about an Offer in Compromise, where I'd make an offer to the government of a much lower amount than I owed, which I would have to pay in full at the time of agreement. The Offer was accepted. I got a call from a friend in my home town (when I moved, that's where I went) asking me if I was interested in a temp teaching job at my Alma Mater. I said yes (even though I hadn't taught in years), and JD, the reason I was there became clear to me at the end of the gig. I had a student who was much older than the kids in the class and he read a book on my suggested reading list. He wrote me the most beautiful email about how the book had changed his life and how grateful to me he was that "when the student was ready, the teacher appeared." [sic] The things I have wanted most in this life have been to have a beautiful home and to share what I have to give with the world. I finished and published my book simply because, as my sister says, I was "following orders." (You know, that voice in your head that when you clear away the dark, comes through SO STRONG WITH THE LIGHT--?). Yeah, my book is out there but I have to find a way to market it. The thing about hope is that it requires courage, and I think I'm all out. Being in physical pain every day and every hour adds to depression which amplifies pain, which deepens depression in a vicious, debilitating circle that's wearing me down. Who am I now? Not the woman I was who accomplished only some of the things she wanted . . . I'm out of both courage and hope, which are the two things I wish for everyone on this forum. How else will we get by?
  11. I'm sorry you're hurt and frustrated. Meeting a potential mate is so much harder these days. I started dating in the years before the smartphone, so proximity to dating sites was sporadic and really limited. When I finally did meet someone via a dating site (which was not the only way I met men), the result was SO. HORRIBLE. BECAUSE: I thought I could "settle," and in doing so, damaged myself nearly beyond repair (so I thought) and hurt the person whom I thought would be a "long term project." (Who am I? Henry Higgens? Bad, bad, bad decision!) It took this last lesson in a relationship to finally make me learn that you can't change someone--only yourself. I know this isn't your issue, and I'm glad you're still saying "no" to what you know is not right for you! Whatever you do, keep that standard in place. As for disappointment, I too, have had many in romantic entanglements, and though I'm not consciously pursuing anyone right now, and am content to be single, there's that little part of my brain that thinks I might feel better if I shared the love I have to give with a significant other. I did, however, discover the true "love of my life," which is music. It has always been so, even though I wasn't consciously aware of it until recent years, and I'm grateful beyond measure to have had a childhood where music was introduced to me in vitro. It's infinite variety surprises me every day. It comforts me, stirs my creativity and helps me see things from other perspectives. Keep at it. It takes courage to know one's self and keep to the path you know is right. I have every confidence in your finding what you're looking for. It may just require patience. There are so many great women in the world, and you have the advantage of there being so many more women to choose from than men! My best wishes to you.
  12. Freedom from physical pain--maybe stem cell treatment or prp (protein rich plasma)
  13. Yes, Charlee. I think we're fortunate to even have had a mother and/or father figure to learn from and observe--all the things we see that were good and things we never want to inflict on another human being. Book stores: Yes! I love them and how the culture of them changed over the course of my life. Instead of inviting you to get out for fear of your "cheating" by way of reading an entire book and then walking away, they have instead invited us in to browse, take our time, even have some coffee and some time to think. I fear, however, that bookstores have taken a big hit with the pandemic and may disappear forever.
  14. I grew up in a traditional (well, for my generation, that is) household with mom as the bad cop and dad as the good cop. Dad would take us out every Sunday to our favorite bookstore (!) (there was one downtown, when "downtowns" in the Midwest still existed) where each of us was allowed to choose one book to read that week. The shop had wooden floors and the sound of foot traffic on those floors is such a pleasant memory. Then he'd take us to Dairy Queen where, even at such a young age, we'd fallen into routines with our favorite ice cream treats. I have some happy memories of my childhood, but just as many or more anxiety-ridden, angry, "You'd BETTER NOT not slam that door!" ones, too. And, when the estrogen tsunami hit me at age 11, mom would say lovely things like "If you didn't eat so much we wouldn't have to buy you new clothes." God! Just slam a person at the beginning of profound physical and emotional changes. Sheesh. I think mothers can be particularly cruel to daughters. At least mine was to one of my sisters and me. I don't think parents can help but have children they like better than others, though they swear they love you all equally. I remember saying to my younger brother one afternoon on the city bus home from high school: "Mom has been a lot nicer lately, hasn't she?" I didn't equate it with her beginning to work outside the home my senior year. Until then, it seemed like she was trapped in a role unsuited to who she was at the time. I told her this recently on a walk down memory lane and she seemed sorry for it. At any rate, In comparing notes with my siblings over the years, I'm convinced that the five of us each had a different set of parents than the others.
  15. I grew up in a traditional (well, for my generation, that is) household with mom as the bad cop and dad as the good cop. Dad would take us out every Sunday to our favorite bookstore (!) (there was one downtown, when "downtowns" in the Midwest still existed) where each of us was allowed to choose one book to read that week. The shop had wooden floors and the sound of foot traffic on those floors is such a pleasant memory. Then he'd take us to Dairy Queen where, even at such a young age, we'd fallen into routines with our favorite ice cream treats. I have some happy memories of my childhood, but just as many or more anxiety-ridden, angry, "You'd BETTER NOT not slam that door!" ones, too. And, when the estrogen tsunami hit me at age 11, mom would say lovely things like "If you didn't eat so much we wouldn't have to buy you new clothes." God! Just slam a person at the beginning of profound physical and emotional changes. Sheesh. I think mothers can be particularly cruel to daughters. At least mine was to one of my sisters and me. I don't think parents can help but have children they like better than others, though they swear they love you all equally. I remember saying to my younger brother one afternoon on the city bus home from high school: "Mom has been a lot nicer lately, hasn't she?" I didn't equate it with her beginning to work outside the home my senior year. Until then, it seemed like she was trapped in a role unsuited to who she was at the time. I told her this recently on a walk down memory lane and she seemed sorry for it. At any rate, In comparing notes with my siblings over the years, I'm convinced that the five of us each had a different set of parents than the others.
  16. Crewneck -- I'm so sorry you're in such pain. Depression is such a crippling disease. It has stopped me in my tracks many times in my life--when I was younger, I didn't even think I was worthy of saying aloud how dangerously unhappy and hopeless I felt. I just battered myself with unfair and dangerous imperatives like: "Other people feel sad, but they're not wallowing in it," (Can you IMAGINE? So cruel to myself . . . ); and "Who cares how I feel? I don't want to bring anyone else down by sharing these feelings;" and "Just die. You know you want to . . . " But listen, I know this much is true: somewhere in this universe, in this space you share with other billions of souls, there is comfort out there for the taking. It's here on DF, it's with a close friend or relative; it's in your creativity--whatever that entails (many people don't recognize talent at anything, be it numbers painting, construction--whatever); it's in a clear night sky, or "golden time" in late afternoon, a long walk or drive. It's hard to imagine, I know, that even one moment of comfort can get you through a bad stretch of misery, but it has happened for me and I believe that it can happen for anyone. To this day, Crewneck, I have a bad habit of projecting into a horrible future or haunting the past for all the mistakes I've made, and punishing myself for them. I'm mean to myself, still, and it's a habit I've yet to break. I told my sister once, however, how happy I am when I'm driving. My mother has been in the car with me and noticed this almost immediate change in my affect. My sister said that it's because I'm in the present moment. I'm mindful of a task at hand, giving my internal attention to just . . . moving down the road. I swear to you, I drive joyfully. I listen to the music I want to hear, as loud or soft as I want to hear it. I drive with the driver's side window down, my elbow on the window jamb . . . feeling more alive than I ever usually do. Driving affords me just one turn of the kaleidoscope and changes my outlook on everything. Maybe it's because it's the only time I know where I'm going, or if I don't, I see any discoveries as an adventure. When I'm fully in the present, I'm okay with my thoughts; have anticipation of better things. No, it doesn't last in a continuum, but at least I have a respite for a few moments. I'm here if you ever want to message me. Meanwhile, I'll look for your posts. Thinking of you -- WOTL (woman of the light)
  17. Amitriptyline is one of the very first antidepressants (1950's, I think), and it's in the "tricyclic" category. I take it with my bupropion at night because they both make me drowsy. I was on wellbutrin before I was put on paxil, and liked it even back then. I was going to a free clinic and it happened that my blood pressure went up that same year due to A HORRIBLE WORK SITUATION, which the Drs. would not take my word for, nor take into consideration (they DO know just about EVERYTHING, don't they?) when prescribing meds! I had no insurance at the time, so had no other alternative than to do it their way. But as I said, I liked paxil. As for the wellbutrin increase in libido, yes, it calms down after a few months (for me, anyway). I do like that it hits the dopamine pleasure center in the brain--it makes the whole antidepressant thing seem a bit easier. I'm on 300 mg. of the extended release kind. They make it up to 450 mg, so I'm glad I have someplace to go if it ever seems not to be working. Have you tried taking it at night? Hang in there, my friend. I hope it gets easier for you.
  18. I've been on one or more antidepressants now for about 26 years. I've never tried anything in the MAOI category, so most of my experience has been with SSRI's. The first one I tried was prozac, and yes, it dried my tears and made me functional after experiencing a trauma, but it made me feel distant from myself, if that makes any sense. Like I was looking at my life through a scrim, not living my life with the intense passion I've always had. It also made sex difficult in that it delayed orgasm to the point where I was ready to just give it up for good. After that I tried Cymbalta, Celexa, Zoloft (Ugh!!) Effexor, Lexapro, each for about 3 to 4 months. Then there was Paxil. I LOVED Paxil and was the only person I ever knew who actually lost weight while taking it. But after about 5 years it just dropped me off a cliff and I had to start over with something new. I now take a cocktail of bupropion (Wellbutrin) XL and amitriptyline and actually feel like a human being. It can be a long process, but I think it's been worth it. At least, as much as I think about suicide, my mind will not allow me to entertain the thought seriously. Hope this helps.
  19. I wonder if I'll ever stop causing myself pain with bad habits. Will I ever learn to accept myself? Will I ever stop criticizing myself? Will I ever stop the habitual fear? I'm far too old for this. I've been in and out of therapy for years. I figure if I don't know which way is up by now, I'll never know.
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