womanofthelight

Hi, KR1010 - I've been on MANY antidepressants over the years. I've tried nearly every SSRI and now I'm on Wellbutrin. Paxil was GREAT for the time it worked (I'm the only person I know who lost weight taking Paxil), emotionally, and mood-stabilizingly. Then, after a few years, it just stopped working. I felt like I'd been dropped off a cliff, and was in a morass of deep depression for quite a while. Fortunately I worked evenings, so I had a lot of time to talk myself into getting out of bed and going to work. But it was so hard. I've been on Bupropion (Wellbutrin) for a few years now, and I like it, though I think my "normal" is darker and more intense than other people's. I don't expect to be full of laughs and jokes. Maybe this is as good as it's going to get for me. I've never tried an MAOI. Maybe give one of them a shot? Wishing you the best -- WOTL

Lee Marvin's former home in Tucson: 7,193-square-feet set on 6.2 acres; six bedrooms and 6.5 bathrooms. Views of the city and the mountains, a full guest house, a pool, tennis court.

Hello, my friend, Regret is the HARDEST thing I've ever lived with. If I could create a ribbon to measure, it would wrap around the world twice, at least. It sits down to breakfast with me, peeks from inside the closet at night . . . it is with me everywhere and all the time, and I hear myself saying aloud sometimes, "Gyod, I hate myself " or "I should have died a long time ago . . . " But I'm trying something new. I realized I actually reach for those painful thoughts sometimes because I think I deserve to be unhappy because of all my bad, bad choices. So lately, when I'm feeling neutral, I try to create a new, painless thought to join me in my neutrality. Like, messing around with my tablet, or listening to music on my computer while I research things I've always been curious about; continuing with my creative writing to get through the sorrow (or the glory)--distraction, distraction, distraction. I think this mental activity can be practiced as one would a musical instrument. When I hold myself back with pain, it obliterates the possibility of a better present, a better future. So I remain inert and in pain that may one day **** me. I have to make a conscious effort not to go to the place of pain - and it's like developing a new skill. I don't have a measure of success, and I have a bad habit of comparing myself to others and their successes, which only brings on more pain. And I'm tired of it. So. Very. F#$king. Tired. I empathize with you completely, and I wish you peace.

Sick of grief. Sick of regret. Don't know what to do about either. Grief is not a journey. It’s a trudge through mud that tires the body, the mind and spirit until exhaustion and inertia leave you weak and heaving. I have been advised by those who know that grief never leaves, but transforms into something I can live with. I’m still waiting.

Not sleepy yet. Might as well exercise . . .

The mythology of romantic love.

I'm tired of being afraid, and trying to get to a better emotional place. If I could **** the fear, or at least snub my nose at it, I might see a future. Does anyone see a future? I wonder. If we do, what does it look like? There are lots of Positive Thinking Groups that believe that if you see what you want to create, you've taken your first step toward creating it. If that's true, and I don't know what I want based upon past experience and current world/national/personal conditions, do I even stand a chance of creating something better? I BORE MYSELF TO DEATH with my anxiety and sadness. I write poems. I work on two other writing projects. I'm envious of my brother, who, after YEARS of pain and uncertainty, has created a WONDERFUL NEW LIFE for himself. (TWO jobs in fields in which he has experience and passion!!!!) In fact, I think I have to stop following him for a while on FB because it just fuels my envy. I say "envy" because "jealousy" is different in my mind. Jealousy implies, to me, accompanying resentment and small mindedness. I don't resent him. I just feel low about myself because I haven't figured out my next steps and every day brings me closer to the grave. That's why, I think, it's just easier to crave death. I can't see ahead and I'm stewing in inertia where I am. And interia is SOUL CRUSHING.

There have been times I've thought my fire was inextinguishable. Not lately, however. I feel like I'm being smothered under the weight of responsibility for the condition of my life. Has every decision I ever made brought me here, or just the last 100 or so? I don't know. I don't think I care.

“Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.” (Alice in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll)

I Love You (and You Are a Fool) - Jeffrey Foucault

Were you able to rest then? It makes me wonder if we're just wired not to sleep much. I had a nutritionist tell me I didn't need much food or much sleep. If I were living in the Stone Age I might be comforted by that. As it is now, I want nothing more than to be unconscious for long stretches at a time. zzzzzzzzzzz . . .

So, so tired. I NEVER sleep well. 4 hours a night, tops.

I think "happiness" is a panacea; a totally false condition that, if you're not "happy," can make you angry and sad and feel diminished. My therapist made a good point in a recent session. Something like, "expecting to be happy, or trying to "create" happiness is a fallacy. Happiness is not something to aspire to. Would it be so awful if you just accepted that you're not a "happy" person and take your emotional life day to day?" More of that pay attention and live-in-the-moment stuff. Presence. We think we should be happy because that's what advertising does to us. Buy, wear, smell, eat, sleep . . . only the BEST. Totally unrealistic and out of the question. If you look at the commercial, the movie, the tv show and see only happy people IT IS A LIE. Live your life as yourself; be present for each moment and acknowledge any small thing you succeeded at in the course of a day. I think the best I'll ever be is "content." But what do I know? Still Crazy After All These Years.

The Jumbo full moon that I can still walk, though with great difficulty. My ssdi -- I applied and was denied. Then a law firm from a completely different state contacted me and got me the benefits. the new suv lease my parents and I are sharing. (Gotta love a Honda!) my hearing my vision my senses of smell and taste my sense of TOUCH!

Memories of things that I regret I did. Memories of loss. Anxiety. Many many purses. Boxes of paper that, if I haven't seen in 10 years, I clearly don't need.