womanofthelight

Yes, Charlee. I think we're fortunate to even have had a mother and/or father figure to learn from and observe--all the things we see that were good and things we never want to inflict on another human being. Book stores: Yes! I love them and how the culture of them changed over the course of my life. Instead of inviting you to get out for fear of your "cheating" by way of reading an entire book and then walking away, they have instead invited us in to browse, take our time, even have some coffee and some time to think. I fear, however, that bookstores have taken a big hit with the pandemic and may disappear forever.

I grew up in a traditional (well, for my generation, that is) household with mom as the bad cop and dad as the good cop. Dad would take us out every Sunday to our favorite bookstore (!) (there was one downtown, when "downtowns" in the Midwest still existed) where each of us was allowed to choose one book to read that week. The shop had wooden floors and the sound of foot traffic on those floors is such a pleasant memory. Then he'd take us to Dairy Queen where, even at such a young age, we'd fallen into routines with our favorite ice cream treats. I have some happy memories of my childhood, but just as many or more anxiety-ridden, angry, "You'd BETTER NOT not slam that door!" ones, too. And, when the estrogen tsunami hit me at age 11, mom would say lovely things like "If you didn't eat so much we wouldn't have to buy you new clothes." God! Just slam a person at the beginning of profound physical and emotional changes. Sheesh. I think mothers can be particularly cruel to daughters. At least mine was to one of my sisters and me. I don't think parents can help but have children they like better than others, though they swear they love you all equally. I remember saying to my younger brother one afternoon on the city bus home from high school: "Mom has been a lot nicer lately, hasn't she?" I didn't equate it with her beginning to work outside the home my senior year. Until then, it seemed like she was trapped in a role unsuited to who she was at the time. I told her this recently on a walk down memory lane and she seemed sorry for it. At any rate, In comparing notes with my siblings over the years, I'm convinced that the five of us each had a different set of parents than the others.

I grew up in a traditional (well, for my generation, that is) household with mom as the bad cop and dad as the good cop. Dad would take us out every Sunday to our favorite bookstore (!) (there was one downtown, when "downtowns" in the Midwest still existed) where each of us was allowed to choose one book to read that week. The shop had wooden floors and the sound of foot traffic on those floors is such a pleasant memory. Then he'd take us to Dairy Queen where, even at such a young age, we'd fallen into routines with our favorite ice cream treats. I have some happy memories of my childhood, but just as many or more anxiety-ridden, angry, "You'd BETTER NOT not slam that door!" ones, too. And, when the estrogen tsunami hit me at age 11, mom would say lovely things like "If you didn't eat so much we wouldn't have to buy you new clothes." God! Just slam a person at the beginning of profound physical and emotional changes. Sheesh. I think mothers can be particularly cruel to daughters. At least mine was to one of my sisters and me. I don't think parents can help but have children they like better than others, though they swear they love you all equally. I remember saying to my younger brother one afternoon on the city bus home from high school: "Mom has been a lot nicer lately, hasn't she?" I didn't equate it with her beginning to work outside the home my senior year. Until then, it seemed like she was trapped in a role unsuited to who she was at the time. I told her this recently on a walk down memory lane and she seemed sorry for it. At any rate, In comparing notes with my siblings over the years, I'm convinced that the five of us each had a different set of parents than the others.

Yes! It may help!

Crewneck -- I'm so sorry you're in such pain. Depression is such a crippling disease. It has stopped me in my tracks many times in my life--when I was younger, I didn't even think I was worthy of saying aloud how dangerously unhappy and hopeless I felt. I just battered myself with unfair and dangerous imperatives like: "Other people feel sad, but they're not wallowing in it," (Can you IMAGINE? So cruel to myself . . . ); and "Who cares how I feel? I don't want to bring anyone else down by sharing these feelings;" and "Just die. You know you want to . . . " But listen, I know this much is true: somewhere in this universe, in this space you share with other billions of souls, there is comfort out there for the taking. It's here on DF, it's with a close friend or relative; it's in your creativity--whatever that entails (many people don't recognize talent at anything, be it numbers painting, construction--whatever); it's in a clear night sky, or "golden time" in late afternoon, a long walk or drive. It's hard to imagine, I know, that even one moment of comfort can get you through a bad stretch of misery, but it has happened for me and I believe that it can happen for anyone. To this day, Crewneck, I have a bad habit of projecting into a horrible future or haunting the past for all the mistakes I've made, and punishing myself for them. I'm mean to myself, still, and it's a habit I've yet to break. I told my sister once, however, how happy I am when I'm driving. My mother has been in the car with me and noticed this almost immediate change in my affect. My sister said that it's because I'm in the present moment. I'm mindful of a task at hand, giving my internal attention to just . . . moving down the road. I swear to you, I drive joyfully. I listen to the music I want to hear, as loud or soft as I want to hear it. I drive with the driver's side window down, my elbow on the window jamb . . . feeling more alive than I ever usually do. Driving affords me just one turn of the kaleidoscope and changes my outlook on everything. Maybe it's because it's the only time I know where I'm going, or if I don't, I see any discoveries as an adventure. When I'm fully in the present, I'm okay with my thoughts; have anticipation of better things. No, it doesn't last in a continuum, but at least I have a respite for a few moments. I'm here if you ever want to message me. Meanwhile, I'll look for your posts. Thinking of you -- WOTL (woman of the light)

Amitriptyline is one of the very first antidepressants (1950's, I think), and it's in the "tricyclic" category. I take it with my bupropion at night because they both make me drowsy. I was on wellbutrin before I was put on paxil, and liked it even back then. I was going to a free clinic and it happened that my blood pressure went up that same year due to A HORRIBLE WORK SITUATION, which the Drs. would not take my word for, nor take into consideration (they DO know just about EVERYTHING, don't they?) when prescribing meds! I had no insurance at the time, so had no other alternative than to do it their way. But as I said, I liked paxil. As for the wellbutrin increase in libido, yes, it calms down after a few months (for me, anyway). I do like that it hits the dopamine pleasure center in the brain--it makes the whole antidepressant thing seem a bit easier. I'm on 300 mg. of the extended release kind. They make it up to 450 mg, so I'm glad I have someplace to go if it ever seems not to be working. Have you tried taking it at night? Hang in there, my friend. I hope it gets easier for you.

I've been on one or more antidepressants now for about 26 years. I've never tried anything in the MAOI category, so most of my experience has been with SSRI's. The first one I tried was prozac, and yes, it dried my tears and made me functional after experiencing a trauma, but it made me feel distant from myself, if that makes any sense. Like I was looking at my life through a scrim, not living my life with the intense passion I've always had. It also made sex difficult in that it delayed orgasm to the point where I was ready to just give it up for good. After that I tried Cymbalta, Celexa, Zoloft (Ugh!!) Effexor, Lexapro, each for about 3 to 4 months. Then there was Paxil. I LOVED Paxil and was the only person I ever knew who actually lost weight while taking it. But after about 5 years it just dropped me off a cliff and I had to start over with something new. I now take a cocktail of bupropion (Wellbutrin) XL and amitriptyline and actually feel like a human being. It can be a long process, but I think it's been worth it. At least, as much as I think about suicide, my mind will not allow me to entertain the thought seriously. Hope this helps.

I wonder if I'll ever stop causing myself pain with bad habits. Will I ever learn to accept myself? Will I ever stop criticizing myself? Will I ever stop the habitual fear? I'm far too old for this. I've been in and out of therapy for years. I figure if I don't know which way is up by now, I'll never know.

Charlee -- I'm sorry you're in so much pain. The things we've done or didn't do, or thought we should have done, can create such . . . . distortions of our true selves, so much so that we are unable to see what or who we really are, or what we can be. I don't know the cure for it because it's an issue I have, too. "Why didn't I do such-and-so," "Oh, I'm such an idiot . . . " A whole litany of hurtful thoughts I have hurled against myself, and while loss is a big source of pain in my life, I think sometimes self-hatred is worse. I, too, am a survivor of sexual assaults (years ago), the memories of which rear their ugly heads and then sink again in the dark pond of memory. Abuse of any and all kinds is wrong--especially the abuse we inflict upon ourselves, Charlee, because for me, anyway, it hurts so much more. And I'm unsure of how to love myself. In my darkest hours, I hear myself saying, "God, I hate myself," and/or "I wish I was dead . . . " because I think I just can't go on. But I do, because the decision to end my life would hurt many others. Is there a women's group in your town? Like, someplace you can go and hear other women's stories? I'm thinking of you, Charlee, and wishing you peace. WOTL

Did 30 minutes of Taebo on Monday. I have to do 2 more workouts before Sunday. I wish I could to it the way I used to. After years of excessive exercise and two back surgeries, I cannot stand still for more than 30 seconds without wanting to scream--the pain is that bad. (I only know ONE person who felt better after back surgery.) I do a lot of it sitting, using 1 and 2 lb. weights, and can stand for 4 sections of repetitive movement in place--no scooting across the floor for me. I MISS being able to walk. Walking through space just kills me. I used to walk a lot (for me, anyway--20 miles per week) when in lived in NY and then in CA. When I first got back to my home town, I was able to do maybe 3 miles 4x per week. I've seen my health gradually worsen and I wonder what I'll be able to do one year from now, six months from now, tomorrow.

You are wise not to contact her. As a woman who has tried a couple of dating sites, you close an account because (1) you're not making the kind of connections you'd like; or (2) you've found someone you want to date exclusively to see where it goes. If and when it hasn't worked out, I come back and reactivate the account until I get completely disgusted by the site ignoring my wishes , i.e., not filtering the possibilities as I requested, OR I try another site altogether. I wouldn't contact her on Facebook. It's unnerving when someone violates your boundaries. She may be on any number of other sites and may very well come back to POF if she has determined that her current choice is not a good one. I wish you luck with this entirely unnatural way of meeting people. Hang in there. And there's nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about liking someone younger than you.

Maybe it's a let-down after a good time at the party. I'm sorry you're sad.

Duck! I'm so sorry you're having a hard time with family, but glad for you that you left the house, even if it turns out to be short-term. You're a survivor, Duck. You ALWAYS take steps to care for yourself. If you go to youtube, you'll not only find some calming music for meditation, but guided meditations as well. Maybe they can help you sleep. Hang in there, my friend. I've missed you, too. WOTL