womanofthelight

Mark - I'm sorry I haven't read this entire thread, but I am impressed by your commitment to bring about your end to physical life. I wish the things happening in your life weren't happening at all, but I, too live in dread of the great unknown: what will happen to me if my parents precede me in death?; how will I afford a place of my own? What will I do with all my stuff in the basement that I've only visited on occasion? etc. I returned to Ohio for what I planned to be an 18-month "break" from my painful emotional life, and nine years later, I'm still here. My health began to decline surprisingly quickly--I've had two unsuccessful back surgeries, a knee replacement, and I'm looking ahead to my second knee replacement next month. (My other knees will just have to wait! 😀) But I want to talk to you about trying for SSDI benefits. I was turned down the first time I applied, but I think there must be a list of some kind available online, because a law firm from Chicago contacted me about securing my benefits, and they got them for me! They took a one-time percentage fee for their time and effort, but my first check was backdated to the date I first applied. I got a windfall of thousands of dollars, and then, a decent amount every month. Might you try again or find an SSDI lawyer? Thinking of you, Mark. WOTL

I'm with you there! I did go to my senior prom and had a terrible time. I looked at all my classmates and even then I thought about how silly it all was. As for reunions -- what a JOKE. I NEVER want to see any of those people again. And the 2 that I would want to see again I've lost touch with.

I think it is possible, if not in a general way, but specifically. Nobody is happy all the time. What would be our purpose here on earth if some of that purpose were not how to get through the day????????????????? (Aughhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!) Anyway, the best I can do for myself is take pleasure in small things--like a beautiful day, or a full moon. I've often rued the fact that I can't string all my happy moments together into a continuum with the momentum to create more happy moments all the time. Instead, I have to pluck those moments from memory, and be conscious of new happy moments as they happen. (And they don't happen all the time.) I think there's a term for this . . . ? "Mindfulness," maybe? Eckhart Tolle proponent? Thinking of you, and wishing you at least one moment of happiness.

Wondering wondering wondering Will the heartache never end? I don't think members of my family are built that way. My dead brother certainly wasn't, though he thought he was; my younger brother has written a memoir on what he went through with his now-dead life partner, for which I am hoping the . . . expectorant will be healing. I look at childhood pictures of my eldest sister and in each one of them, she looks completely joyful. As though she has a secret with an unseen friend. She was blindsided at puberty with depression, though after years of searching for groups on spirituality, religious organizations, etc., she seemed to calm down, for lack of better words. She's not happy every minute, but she says she has come to a place of great faith in her relationship with Jesus Christ. And My sister, Joy, is . . . wise and even-tempered. I ask her how she deals with sorrow, regret and pain and she says she lets herself feel it, and then resolves to move past it with creative activity. It would appear I have few coping skills, if any. I can't seem to use my creativity to do anything -- and I know I have quite a lot. I'm sick of myself right now. Time for bed.

I'm so sorry, Sober, for your most recent loss and for every other loss you've ever experienced. 😰

Anxious. Panicking. Grief never really goes away, I think. The loss of a pet, a loved one, a dream. I don't understand why life has to hurt so much. The older I get, the more I realize that I know so little. How do I navigate these waters? How do I keep functioning when all I want is for the pain to stop?

Having a bad night. It is 3:00 a.m. and all I can do is . . . cry and type. WHY AM I STILL HERE? I AM SO USELESS! Unwell; unhappy; unfulfilled. A living death.

Maybe it's a soul journey issue. My brother had a hard entry into, and a hard exit from, this life. I don't know why and it torments me. I felt him close to me after I heard of his death, but I have not recently. Paramahansa Yogananda says that we shouldn't mourn the passing of a loved one so woefully that it binds the soul of the loved one to this plane when it is destined for another. At least that comforts me a little. A long time ago, a childhood friend of mine died suddenly after a midnight jog. He was a pro basketball player and extremely, unexpectedly tall (none of his family was tall). We found out that his heart was enlarged--probably a defect from birth--and one of the vessels could no longer connect to . . . wherever it needed to be. All of us--all his friends and family--were stricken. It was just . . . SO F.R.I.G.G.I.N.G . . . WRONG. So I tried to comfort myself by believing that his soul was needed elsewhere. In answer to your question, I don't know. I just. don't. know.

Welcome (back), vaultedSky. I understand very much of your experience. I've been depressed since I was a child -- some times worse than others -- and now I think I'm experiencing one of the worse times I've ever had. I have a lot of physical pain which GRINDS ME DOWN and makes moving difficult, though I make the effort every day. I was once athletic and now suffer from arthritis, partly from the years of exercise, partly from a car accident 12 years ago. Lately, I don't open the drapes in my room. There are times, however, when I go out that I'm soooooo happy--and that's when I'm driving. That may be because it's the only time I know where I'm going. I used to take long, solo road trips, but now I can't sit in a car for 6 hours, let alone 12. I have very little hope, but think I should get some. It will be a JOB. I think I still have work to do on this plane and until I get it done, I don't think I'll be released from it, and lord knows, I WANT OUT OF PAIN, ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION. So, maybe the more work you do on your thesis, the more your mind is engaged, the less time you'll spend worrying. Maybe. Thinking of you -- WOTL (woman of the light)

Last night I dreamed I shed my skin and glided across the wonders of the beautiful world through soft grass and the dunes of burning deserts upon the mountains to their tops where my wings grew strong and thick against the sky. I am a creature both great and small carried yet steering to the heights and the depths of greater life in my fitful hours of sleep -- life that in waking hours I can barely just imagine. I wonder which is real – the dream or the waking bloom of tears and the warmth of light trees with their lavender leaves wide open and the sound of trilling birds? Give me respite, grief. I am tired. Harsh, dark winter is given rest so give to me the like. The helix of creation of which I am a part thrives around me surrendering to hope, to the efflorescence of forgiveness, to sweet sunlight, opening the garden doors in my heart where there has always been, and will always be, love. Paul -- I will see you again. Wait for me.

Paralyzed with depression and anxiety. I don't know how to go on. I can't reach out to friends because they don't really get it. I have one friend, however, who does and she's in California. Maybe I'll call and ruin her evening, though she never receives me as though that's true.

Patty Griffin - "Let Him Fly"

Natasha -- There are people I've fantasized ruining and WITHOUT DOUBT, would have, had I been in a position to do so. We all have darkness in us that we need to accept as a part of ourselves. It's part of what makes us whole. I do not ask what you did, but guilt is a useless emotion. I believe we make mistakes--mistakes in judgment acted upon to our detriment and the detriment of others. And then there are sins--decisions made and acted upon with deliberate selfishness to harm someone else, somehow vindicating ourselves or making our circumstances better. Whichever you have committed, you have the rest of your life to atone for it, and since we don't know how long we have left to live, it's best to get to it right away. AND ABOVE ALL ELSE, FORGIVE YOURSELF. That is the hardest thing in the world to do.

There's an interesting, real-life journal of a boy who could see ghosts, called The Boy Who Saw True. He thought everyone else could see them, and was surprised to learn they could not.

Mark -- These are phone sessions, yes? Are they monitored, the way our posts are monitored here? (I know DF isn't a professional site.) Maybe he's been required in some large or minimal capacity to report on his cases and trickle down some foolish and/or damaging new rules in order for the organization to cover its ass for whatever reason(s) (i.e., funding, etc.). It's been my experience that therapists, too, experience transferance and countertransferance and your leaving the relationship may be a good thing, or it may be the same response you've had in similar, past non-therapeutic relationships. And isn't it true that in some schools of therapy (Cognitive Behavioral, for instance) the goal is to be able to recognize our debilitating behaviors and change them? Yes, you may (and hopefully will) feel vindicated by dropping him and looking elsewhere for help, and I want that for you if you feel it is best. This thing requires kaleidoscope vision, and you seem to have that.