womanofthelight

Not sleepy yet. Might as well exercise . . .

The mythology of romantic love.

I'm tired of being afraid, and trying to get to a better emotional place. If I could **** the fear, or at least snub my nose at it, I might see a future. Does anyone see a future? I wonder. If we do, what does it look like? There are lots of Positive Thinking Groups that believe that if you see what you want to create, you've taken your first step toward creating it. If that's true, and I don't know what I want based upon past experience and current world/national/personal conditions, do I even stand a chance of creating something better? I BORE MYSELF TO DEATH with my anxiety and sadness. I write poems. I work on two other writing projects. I'm envious of my brother, who, after YEARS of pain and uncertainty, has created a WONDERFUL NEW LIFE for himself. (TWO jobs in fields in which he has experience and passion!!!!) In fact, I think I have to stop following him for a while on FB because it just fuels my envy. I say "envy" because "jealousy" is different in my mind. Jealousy implies, to me, accompanying resentment and small mindedness. I don't resent him. I just feel low about myself because I haven't figured out my next steps and every day brings me closer to the grave. That's why, I think, it's just easier to crave death. I can't see ahead and I'm stewing in inertia where I am. And interia is SOUL CRUSHING.

There have been times I've thought my fire was inextinguishable. Not lately, however. I feel like I'm being smothered under the weight of responsibility for the condition of my life. Has every decision I ever made brought me here, or just the last 100 or so? I don't know. I don't think I care.

“Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.” (Alice in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll)

I Love You (and You Are a Fool) - Jeffrey Foucault

Were you able to rest then? It makes me wonder if we're just wired not to sleep much. I had a nutritionist tell me I didn't need much food or much sleep. If I were living in the Stone Age I might be comforted by that. As it is now, I want nothing more than to be unconscious for long stretches at a time. 😴zzzzzzzzzzz . . .

So, so tired. I NEVER sleep well. 4 hours a night, tops.

I think "happiness" is a panacea; a totally false condition that, if you're not "happy," can make you angry and sad and feel diminished. My therapist made a good point in a recent session. Something like, "expecting to be happy, or trying to "create" happiness is a fallacy. Happiness is not something to aspire to. Would it be so awful if you just accepted that you're not a "happy" person and take your emotional life day to day?" More of that pay attention and live-in-the-moment stuff. Presence. We think we should be happy because that's what advertising does to us. Buy, wear, smell, eat, sleep . . . only the BEST. Totally unrealistic and out of the question. If you look at the commercial, the movie, the tv show and see only happy people IT IS A LIE. Live your life as yourself; be present for each moment and acknowledge any small thing you succeeded at in the course of a day. I think the best I'll ever be is "content." But what do I know? Still Crazy After All These Years.

The Jumbo full moon that I can still walk, though with great difficulty. My ssdi -- I applied and was denied. Then a law firm from a completely different state contacted me and got me the benefits. the new suv lease my parents and I are sharing. (Gotta love a Honda!) my hearing my vision my senses of smell and taste my sense of TOUCH!

Memories of things that I regret I did. Memories of loss. Anxiety. Many many purses. Boxes of paper that, if I haven't seen in 10 years, I clearly don't need.

Hijacked by Grief

Is death "bad?" Especially when we have the choice and the power to end our bodies? I'm sure we go on after the body is dead. On to what I'm not sure. If we have the will and the power to go on our own terms, what can possibly be bad about that? If we wait for death to come, we could be waiting a long, long time.

Hello, LSYC1027, Wow. I read your post in its entirety and I must say you've been through some turbulent emotional times. So, the guy who wouldn't call you his girlfriend and said you were "average . . . " WTF? He's clearly not the guy for you, so let's move on. I think consciously or unconsciously, we seek out a romantic relationship based upon the stronger template of our two parents. It sounds like you've never gotten what you needed from your father, so maybe you found a man who was emotionally remote as well, because it was familiar. Because you thought that that's the best you could expect from a romantic partner. It's hard to come out of uncertainty and feel attractive to the opposite sex -- or the same sex, depending upon your orientation(s). Confidence requires commitment to one's self and those things about yourself that you like. It might be good to just sit down with a journal or just a piece of paper and write down -- without thinking too much -- what you like about yourself. Only write down the things you like, and why you like them. You might be surprised. You have value and brains and talent and I'm sure you are above "average" looking. I think the depths of one's emotional well has much to do with how we appear to the world, and your well is very deep and beautiful, and will only deepen with age. That said, some people will say you're "too much" for them. I've had a couple, maybe three, men say that to me in my lifetime, and now that I look back, OF COURSE I was too much for them! Because they wouldn't address their own feelings. How could I expect they'd ever have the time or the inclination to address mine with me? So, is it love or sex or the combination you're craving? (I hope this question isn't intrusive.) Determine which or both you want -- you REALLY have to be clear about what you want -- and address how you may go about getting it. If you're seeing a counselor who can prescribe medications, ask him or her what they think might be best for you. If you have the kind of therapist that cannot prescribe, try to lower the veils of yourself (metaphorically speaking, Salome's "Seven Veils,") that is, revealing yourself to another in your own time, as you see fit and do so. Also, keep sharing yourself here. We do not judge, and will NEVER deliberately hurt you. (You might connect with someone who puts her foot in her mouth -- yours truly, as I hope I have not done! -- but I think I can speak for everyone when I say, no one here is unkind and that we all want the best for you.) Take care, my friend.

Hello, SadButNoTears, We're listening!