womanofthelight

Paralyzed with depression and anxiety. I don't know how to go on. I can't reach out to friends because they don't really get it. I have one friend, however, who does and she's in California. Maybe I'll call and ruin her evening, though she never receives me as though that's true.

Patty Griffin - "Let Him Fly"

Natasha -- There are people I've fantasized ruining and WITHOUT DOUBT, would have, had I been in a position to do so. We all have darkness in us that we need to accept as a part of ourselves. It's part of what makes us whole. I do not ask what you did, but guilt is a useless emotion. I believe we make mistakes--mistakes in judgment acted upon to our detriment and the detriment of others. And then there are sins--decisions made and acted upon with deliberate selfishness to harm someone else, somehow vindicating ourselves or making our circumstances better. Whichever you have committed, you have the rest of your life to atone for it, and since we don't know how long we have left to live, it's best to get to it right away. AND ABOVE ALL ELSE, FORGIVE YOURSELF. That is the hardest thing in the world to do.

There's an interesting, real-life journal of a boy who could see ghosts, called The Boy Who Saw True. He thought everyone else could see them, and was surprised to learn they could not.

Mark -- These are phone sessions, yes? Are they monitored, the way our posts are monitored here? (I know DF isn't a professional site.) Maybe he's been required in some large or minimal capacity to report on his cases and trickle down some foolish and/or damaging new rules in order for the organization to cover its ass for whatever reason(s) (i.e., funding, etc.). It's been my experience that therapists, too, experience transferance and countertransferance and your leaving the relationship may be a good thing, or it may be the same response you've had in similar, past non-therapeutic relationships. And isn't it true that in some schools of therapy (Cognitive Behavioral, for instance) the goal is to be able to recognize our debilitating behaviors and change them? Yes, you may (and hopefully will) feel vindicated by dropping him and looking elsewhere for help, and I want that for you if you feel it is best. This thing requires kaleidoscope vision, and you seem to have that.

Hi, Coloradogirl - It has been my experience with the many Scorpio man friends I've had in my life that Scorpios -- male and female -- "hear a different drummer" and always will. They have their own morality, which may or may not be in sync with the dominant culture's mores; have a concept of themselves as being the "Secret Prince" or Princess (unseen and unappreciated for who they are) and can be unwilling to share their feelings out of fear of a larger pain emerging if these things are spoken of. In this way, they create that very pain for themselves, though they will probably never see it that way. Scorpio is a water sign and their waters run deep. You've done well to let him know you're there to listen if/when he wants to share his feelings, and that's the best you'll be able to do with him. Unfortunately, this opening up will always be on his terms and in this, it's best for you to accept this and carry on with or without him, as best you can.

Thank you, dear. You're so kind. I wish for you, too, whatever good you wish for yourself.

Thanks, Brian, for the reminder and for the big hugs.

Thank you, JD. I wish life was better for you, too.

Passacaglia: The Death of Falstaff - William Walton Bournemouth Sinfonietta (dir.Richard Studt), Bournemouth 29 oct 1993

Ends of the Earth - Lord Huron ". . . I was a-ready to die for you, baby Doesn't mean I'm ready to stay What good is livin' a life you've been given If all you do is stand in one place I'm on a river that winds on forever Follow 'til I get where I'm goin' Maybe I'm headin' to die but I'm still gonna try I guess I'm goin' alone."

I want to die. How many times have I said this and meant it? Many, many many. But I clearly don't have the courage to do it, not do I want to hurt loved ones by doing it. This business of staying alive for others may be the "courageous" choice, but I am miserable and have been much of my life. Life just f u c k i n g hurts.

I have no idea which brand of bupropion XL I use, but I'm on 300 mg per day and it keeps me functioning at a high level. I also take ginko-biloba and an herbal tincture called "Brain" from the American Botanical Pharmacy. Maybe you can get your burprion online. Online pharmacies require a written prescription be faxed to them and the hard copy mailed immediately (though they'll fill the prescription and mail it to you once they have the fax.). Just a thought.

Not a movie quote, but a t.v./book quote: "Nothing f u c k s you harder than time."

If he didn't wake up from this, if he wasn't here tomorrow... no matter. For I know he'd be waiting for me... in the afterlife... or some safe celestial place. In this life... and the next... and the next one after. And for whatever there is on the road that follows from here. It would only require my patience... to get to him again. Alma from Phantom Thread