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womanofthelight last won the day on August 27 2016

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About womanofthelight

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    Gold Member
  • Birthday April 6

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    Tornado Over Kansas Seeking Rainbow
  • Interests
    Desert southwest, geology, getting paid for doing what I love, cultural anthropology, exercise, road trips, writing, reading, music, acting, teaching, meditation, (T.V. shows: Louie, Game of Thrones, The Leftovers, Homeland), movies, aliens. history

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  1. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" Topic (5)

    Weepy, listening to one of the pieces from "Nocturnal Animals," (which, by the way, is a festival of pain.). Another MRI in 12 hours.
  2. Choosing the right meds can be tricky, but good luck and welcome!
  3. What Are You Listening To Right Now?

    Deutsche Messe, D. 872: Zum Sanctus: Heilig, heilig ist der Herr (Franz Schubert)
  4. How do you get to sleep?

    When I don't sleep enough (say only 3-4 hours), I get a migraine. My doctors won't prescribe a "sleeping pill," so they've made amitryptaline a part of my antidepressant cocktail. I take 2 parts of the cocktail in the morning, and the last at night.
  5. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" Topic (5)

    Thank you, Brian dear.
  6. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" Topic (5)

    Thanks, River.
  7. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" Topic (5)

    All the days I have not been here, I've been posting on FB. About something beautiful I saw in nature; about my woes, but ending on an uplifting note; about the wisdom of others. I thought I would be wise at this age at last, and yet I've found the more you know, the more you know you know very little. I try very hard to keep my connection with god/the universe clear. I try to keep my receivers and transmitters open so that I can be a conduit and hear The Voice that guides me. I want a meaningful life; I don't want all this pain to be swept under the rug, and I think the best way to do that is to write another book. I don't want to write a lot of "woe is me," but make up a story about someone who isn't me. (Though I've heard it expressed that novelists, in the end, are really writing about themselves in one character somewhere.) I've been trying to write a book about my grandmother's life, which is a painful story, and I just can't seem to stay with it. Why can't I find joy on a regular basis? I think I need to meditate EVERY SINGLE DAY; not just when the mood strikes. Calming the racing mind is A JOB. And, being on disability and going to different doctors all the time, not being able to work in my chosen field, keeps my mind very muddled. So, how do I feel right now? Like a failure.
  8. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" Topic (5)

    I feel like a neutered, invisible ghost, though that is not people's response to me when I go out. I have always had a Public Face and a real one. If you saw me in public, you might think I'm okay-looking, normal and functioning. I went to a new doctor in November (out of pocket) who charged me $500 for a bunch of injections (PRP -- using my own blood to do something-or-other in my lumbar spine) and "prescribed" a bunch of his own supplements for me to take until my next visit. He left me waiting for an hour and twenty minutes at that second visit, AFTER I'd driven an hour and a half to go see his dumb a s s. When told I was leaving, he said if I could wait TEN MORE MINUTES he'd be able to see me. REALLY? REALLY????????????? I left, and my next appointment is scheduled for FEBRUARY. WHAT??????????????? I won't be going back there. Unless the next visit is free. A-hole. Oh yeah. I had surgery on September 20th which has felt like an EPIC FAIL, though the doctor insists he accomplished what he wanted to. But how about getting me out of pain? Did you accomplish THAT, a-hole? No. I feel no difference whatsoever. And now my right knee is BONE ON BONE. I'm walking around like a 90-year-old. So now I need a knee replacement, and though I am DISABLED, and medicaid is FOR THE DISABLED, my medicaid has been discontinued because I MAKE TOO MUCH MONEY????????? Thank you, Mr. Cheeto. You miserable, lying, ugly, vile, abusive sack of s h i t. Why can't I JUST D I E ??????? Why? Please please please please please please please please please let me die -- just D I E. My pill bottles are becoming far too tempting.
  9. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" Topic (5)

    Like I want to d i e.
  10. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    OMRN, Does your prayer and meditation not help at all? I've been desperate to find something to be "happy" about on a daily basis, and my connection with nature really helps. Maybe you'll realize that there are degrees of depression, and you needn't feel so low all the time (that is, if you do). What does it mean to "throw a Hail Mary?"
  11. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    Thanks, PraiseBrownies. I really, really like it! BTW, are you allergic to anything? Any foods, flora or fauna?
  12. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    Thanks for the input, Dolphin. I'm so glad you're having a great time!
  13. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    I haven't been around much the last few months. I've actually made some friends with whom I go out every two weeks after a group meeting on positive thinking. (We get CDs distributed to us at each meeting, [there are usually no more than 15 of us at these meetings] and then discuss it -- but it's really just a jumping-off point for whatever happens when we talk. Then my 3 girlfriends and I go out together to a pub and talk much more interpersonally. I just haven't told them that I'm depressed as hell. I withhold how badly I feel because I don't want to bring down the group. But I always feel good when I'm with them, so why bring it up? Lately I've been posting a lot on Facebook. Responding to friends' posts on politics, but mostly talking about nature and trying to end each post on a positive note. I thought this would make me feel better, and sometimes it actually does. But feeling physically horrible grinds me down and I just want life to be over sometimes. My back surgery did nothing to help. I need to have my right knee replaced--it's down to bone on bone-- and I feel like a USELESS LUMP OF DOUGH. I fear that I'll never be on stage again (I'm a professional actor); writing my book satisfied me, but it was INSPIRED and my writing is for s h i t if I feel little or nothing about my subject matter. So I lie around waiting for the next doctor appointment; stay in my room most of the time, because as an adult living with her parents it's just REALLY HARD to feel like I have any value in the world. I'm back to my nightly prayer, "Let this be the night" (I die in my sleep). It's Christmas Day, so Happy Holidays Merry Christmas to all. Can't wait till the day is over.
  14. picking a therapist

    Herbal tea and relaxation techniques! Ugh! F u c k the herbal tea, but it does help to learn to quiet your mind and the only way I've been able to do that is either with guided meditations (youtube), or playlists of beautiful music. I, too have been disappointed by "appointed" therapists. Like the 10-year-old (well, you know, very young; trying to make a good impression with her superiors and F u c k a l l to her patients) who keeps allowing her phone to ring--and even takes calls during our session. I asked her if she could turn down the ringer on the phone and she said no. Hahahahahahha. Unbelievable. I left that place the very day. When I lived in L.A., I tried to find a therapist, and did an intake session with a cool guy about my age who I thought would be my therapist. At the next session, I was introduced to this young "intern" in psychology and after our first session, I said to her, "Look, I'm sure your motives are good, but I'm a lot older than you and I don't think you have anything to offer me." And I left. I live in Ohio now and had one I really clicked with, but the parameters of the office's funding changed, and suddenly she was only allowed 6 visits per person. That sucked. I had to leave her. Then I went to another place who took my insurance, and though the therapist was . . . kind, she was EXTREMELY GOOFY. She giggled and blushed when I said the word o r g a s m. She offered me hugs and adult coloring books. I kept wanting to snap my fingers and say "KEEP UP WITH ME." I stayed with her for an entire year until she left the place or was fired. Then I was reassigned to the best therapist I've ever had. We're doing EMDR and it is REALLY addressing my processing of past incidents and how I can REprocess them so that I become more objective, and indeed, come up with more memories that affirm the best of myself that has been buried. So, stay on the hunt. I have this mantra that I say to myself throughout the day, and I SWEAR it seems to be working. (You would not BELIEVE the ringers through which I've been rung with insurance, but, somehow, it has all worked out. And if I find out in January that it was all a mistake, I'm sure something good or better will come along.) "Things are always working out for me." If there is a Crisis Care center in your city, GO THERE NOW. (Things are always working out for you.) Now, I have to go bake Christmas cookies because my mother likes to take them to her hair dresser at Christmas. I'm in a lot of pain physically, (back and knees) so I have to figure how to do everything seated! My deepest wishes for your healing and finding the help you need. WOTL