womanofthelight

I've read and re-read your post and must tell you how much I feel for you. Self-punishment is a habit of mine that creates the same kind of scenarios you speak of.

Yes. Email me.

I turn on the tv to have people talking in the background. Maybe so that I won't feel alone--like the characters are somehow my friends. But in the end, television dulls the mind and stalls the tears, which come anyway, be it sooner or later. Sometimes I can stop them by working on my writing, and other times, when I shut down computer, I dread what comes next. I’m glad I don’t remember my dreams.

I'm afraid of all loss; of loved ones, of home, of stuff, of my capacities . . . everything. I have a great deal of anxiety about it and wonder what I can do to help myself. My sister says that fear and anxiety are habit. Maybe so.

I take generic Wellbutrin (bupropion), 300 mg., but I do not relate my tinnitis to it. I've been on bupropion for years, but my tinnitis didn't start untl 2020. Maybe it's exposure to Covid? I don't know, but that's the closest thing I can see that might be related to it. Or maybe it's artificial sweeteners in diet soda pop. Sorry. I really can't say. What does your prescribing MD or psychologist say?

Feeling lonely for the company of a man/men. When I was in college, all of my friends were men. It just happened that way. I had two brothers growing up, and though my elder brother and I didn't become friends until our thirties, my younger brother and I were close as late teens/early twenties and now we're just . . . he's very busy having a life and my elder brother is dead. (It STILL smarts to think of Paul as "dead;' to see it in writing is even worse.) My two sisters and I are close, though we live many miles away from each other. I'm living in the family home with my parents and they're becoming more dependent upon me as we age. I worry about what will happen to me should they precede me in death. I don't get enough SSDI to support the running of this house, and they're so close that when one of them goes, the other will not be far behind. There's really nothing to do in my home town and even if there were, I don't know . . . I never really feel good enough about myself to go try to make a friend somewhere. I'm tired and want to sleep until . . . when? I wake up d*ad, maybe. With my luck, I'll live until I'm 173 . . .

I'm sorry to be reading this so long after you wrote. Call 911 or Get to an emergency room NOW. Inhale through your nose and exhale through your mouth. It really does work to bring nerves and anxiety under control.

Feeling dazed and confused. Listening to music I love, but cannot seem to find the right music to inspire the writing of my novel. I have a lot of pages and words, but need to add a few scenes, characters and just can't seem to do it. I wrote a nonfiction book a few years ago which was easily inspirable because it was a travelogue of sorts, about the shift in spirit that comes with the connection to nature. (The stars of the book were places out west, which I long to see again . . . ) Hell's bells . . .

Californ-i-a, Jeffrey Foucault

What is IPS?

Exactly! I had one of those tests to track my sleep. THERE WERE A MILLION WIRES on me and someone would come into the room and adjust them when they became displaced. Ridiculous. A diagnosis of no apnea, but no help in how I would get to sleep in the future.

The Batman. I don't go to superhero universe movies--they're all innately silly. I was drawn to this one by the music in the trailers. I appreciate it when composers and directors make their intentions clear--i.e., am I punctuating beats of action/dialogue in the picture? Am I using silence as though it were music? I liked this Batman mostly for the score and the concept of BM being a weirdo vigilante instead of a superhero.

That sounds awful; I'm sorry you suffer so! Sleep has always been dangerous ground for me, too. Actually, the lack thereof. My insomnia started at puberty and has stuck around all my life. In order to sleep without waking, I take 4 over the counter sleep meds (2 Alteril, 2 "Rest,)" my nighttime anti-depressants (that have a side effect of drowsiness), futz with my gabapentin, taking half the daily dosage, but all at once--then top it off with another over-the-counter sleep med called "Sleep Optimizer." I kid myself by thinking "At least I'm not addicted to Ambien or some other prescription sleep med." I also sleep in a slumber mask. Has sleep always been this way for you? I used to have a sleep paralysis recurring dream where something beneath me would clamp its arms tight around me and sometimes touch me inappropriately. I used to dread sleep, yet hope for it every night. I left that apartment, that state, and moved West to CA. It took a couple of years for me to realize I hadn't had that dream since I moved, nor have I had it since leaving CA. This, compiled with a few poltergeisty incidents led me to believe that whatever it was that wouldn't let me go, let me go once I left NY. Was it a spirit? I don't know. Was it simple paralysis? I don't know. I rarely have sleep paralysis now, and on rare occasions if I do, it's usually a nightmare that wakes me. Maybe buy a slumber mask (Amazon: about 6 dollars); try an over-the-counter aid; and/or meditate once you lie down for the night. Meditation can be simple as counting each breath--in and out equals one whole breath--up to 4, and start over: rinse, repeat. Here's hoping you get the rest you need and deserve, however it comes. WOTL (woman of the light)

I've found that many organizations go fishing for skilled people and then say they can't or won't do what was promised in the ad. It's a shitty way to get a stable of skilled people on a waiting list, that they won't even say is a waiting list! I'm sorry this hasn't worked out. I've looked for at-home jobs many times, and when I go through the motions of their "registration" process, I find that I have to PAY for that "registration." It looks like the job market and the scam market are linked in ways we can't even imagine. You have a right to be upset.