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womanofthelight last won the day on August 27 2016

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About womanofthelight

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    Gold Member
  • Birthday April 6

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  • Gender
  • Location
    Tornado Over Kansas Seeking Rainbow
  • Interests
    Desert southwest, geology, getting paid for doing what I love, cultural anthropology, exercise, road trips, writing, reading, music, acting, teaching, meditation, (T.V. shows: Louie, Game of Thrones, The Leftovers, Homeland), movies, aliens. history

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  1. Adios

    JD -- Sorry you're feeling like CRAP. This extra crappy will give way to somewhat crappy then the usual crappy and THEN, who knows? Maybe not so crappy after all. Or maybe they'll take "crap" out of the lexicon. But for gods' sakes, let's keep "CHICKEN." Translation: "Sorry you're feeling like CHICKEN. This extra CHICKEN will give way to somewhat CHICKENY then the usual CHICKEN and THEN, who knows? Maybe not so CHICKENY after all."
  2. Adios

    One of my favorites is "chicken." Like. . . WHAT? "Don't you CHICKEN me!" "I sat on a CHICKEN in the park before I lay down in the sun." "I'm running late. I'll CHICKEN up the car before I go. It's probably cold out." ?????????????????????????????????????????
  3. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" Topic (5)

    Afraid that I'll never feel better and will have to end myself.
  4. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" Topic (5)

    Maybe try to think of it as an adventure -- who wants the expected all the time? This will get you out of the house, give you somewhere to go, someone to talk to, and you can stay as long or as short a time as you like. F-R-E-E-D-O-M , baby!
  5. Mid-life Crisis?

    Natasha -- you are one of my favorite people here at DF. I'm sorry you feel so f u c k i n g BAD. That hole . . . if I have one, it's filled with anxiety. Anxious about my second back surgery coming up in 2 weeks; anxious about my knee replacement coming in April; anxious about . . . loss. I cry sometimes because I'm so afraid one of my family members will die before me, I ask to go first. Does the Universe get it? Does it answer prayer? Or do we really have to feel a degree of "faith" to relieve these feelings of fear? I'm sad, too, and can relate to what JD said about "what might have been." And when I look there, it's a real opportunity to second guess and hate myself because of things I should have done. You may very well be in perimenopause and it REALLY S U C K S. The mood swings; difficulty focusing; food cravings . . . all of it. I wish there was an easy answer for it. And I understand not wanting to junk up your mood stabilizers, but it sounds like they're not really stabilizing your moods. But the devil we know is better than a new one we don't, yes? I wish I had some decent advice. But please, know that I appreciate and respect you and am sorry to see you feeling so . . . lethargic and stuck. I'm thinking of you, my dear. Always, WOTL
  6. What is it exactly that you feel guilty about? Annoying your boyfriend? The abuse you experienced in your past (and seems like you still are, the way your boyfriend responds so impatiently)? Being alive? Is there a crisis center in your town? Someplace you could talk to a shrink on an emergency basis and set up a regimen of therapy and meds? If not, I suggest going to an ER. If you feel guilty about choosing men who hurt you, please start trying to forgive yourself. You have NOTHING to feel guilty about and -- this is just my opinion -- guilt is a sort of mask that hides the real stuff you're feeling. Those other emotions can be anger, rage, self-hatred, hatred of others, glee at someone's else unhappiness . . . Take care of yourself immediately. Also, if you're in a crisis center or ER and have a long wait, write a letter to your boyfriend. That way you'll get no interruption, no put-downs, and if properly prepared, you'll have a record if your thoughts in order. Please keep coming back to DF. This is a VERY supportive place! My best wishes for your healing -- WOTL
  7. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" Topic (5)

    Sudden and excruciating sadness. Where does it come from? Why does it sneak up on me like a bandit? I've been packing a bag for the last few days, not knowing where or when I'm going, just knowing that I need to get away. But how can I get away when I'm in such emotional and physical pain? The back surgeon says he didn't "get everything he needed to get" from the first surgery, so I have to have another surgery next month. This puts off my knee replacement until . . . ? and . . . I just feel . . . hopeless. Like this s h i t will never end. My room is a physical representation of the order of my mind, and it is a MESS. I want to THROW AWAY EVERYTHING: my Hymalayan salt lamps, my stupid comforter set that has turned out to be a great disappointment (long, stupid story); my printer--another HUGE disappointment, my toiletries, books, medications, clothes EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF PAPER I SEE. My life is stupid, wasteful, painful and meaningless
  8. When I was on medicaid, I believe there was a lot of paperwork to be filled out for the office in which the therapist worked, and for Medicaid's purposes. But those "extra fees" should NOT come out of your pocket. The practice/therapist needs to do the collecting of fees to/from Medicaid or whoever. Be yourself, whether you're nervous or insecure . . . whatever. You're both trying to establish rapport at this point, so just . . . go to it without worrying about what he or she may think of you. Congratulations on seeking help in your new environment!
  9. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" Topic (5)

    Thank you, Dolphin.
  10. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" Topic (5)

    River -- I'm glad you've gotten a bit of a retrieve now. But mindfulness tells us to look at the moment we are in -- not looking back at coulda woulda shoulda, or leaping forward into an unknown abyss simply because we want result. You are a very spiritual person, and whether you're conscious of it or not, your unconscious mind KNOWS that you can handle anything that comes your way, hence everything DOES go your way. Have you seen it? Learn to accept that about yourself. Take a look, because from where I stand, your problems are always, always always resolved. With love and peace, dear River, WOTL W
  11. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" Topic (5)

    I've been thinking about what the length threshold of my pain might be. I used to have horrible periods (like, rolling on the floor, begging for the pain to stop), but knew the pain would pass. And then I went on the pill, and I was stunned at what a difference it made!! Two ibuprofen per day did the trick for the pain. And then, some smart-a s s doctor took me OFF the pill because he said it "probably" raised my blood pressure. He gave no heed to my KNOWING what raised my blood pressure, which was a HORRIBLE job I had at that time. So the pain returned. But ended for good (I think) a couple of years ago. As most of you know, I've been dealing with back and knee pain for YEARS, and though I had surgery to relieve the back pain, it's still just as awful as it was, and I expect to have a knee replacement sometime soon (too much exercise done in a completely misaligned body). I wonder, not sadly, just practically, and truthfully, if I should bother. Why do I keep going on? What keeps me here when there are lots of ways to off myself? WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH ME? Yes, I have the disease of depression and cry heartily on occasion, but . . . sometimes you have to put yourself first. I know it would hurt my family, but I'm not really living. Just waiting for the next ***** ("doctor") to tell me what to do, and it seems like most doctors don't know s h i t.
  12. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" Topic (5)

    Weepy, listening to one of the pieces from "Nocturnal Animals," (which, by the way, is a festival of pain.). Another MRI in 12 hours.
  13. Choosing the right meds can be tricky, but good luck and welcome!
  14. What Are You Listening To Right Now?

    Deutsche Messe, D. 872: Zum Sanctus: Heilig, heilig ist der Herr (Franz Schubert)
  15. How do you get to sleep?

    When I don't sleep enough (say only 3-4 hours), I get a migraine. My doctors won't prescribe a "sleeping pill," so they've made amitryptaline a part of my antidepressant cocktail. I take 2 parts of the cocktail in the morning, and the last at night.