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pen4alex

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Everything posted by pen4alex

  1. Sorry - could have been clearer. The "he" is my boyfriend. My therapist is suggesting I take time to myself, and my boyfriend really wants a chance to fix our relationship. I'm kind of caught between feeling like I need to do something for me and on the other hand, a man that I do very much love.
  2. Tired, confused, and genuinely mixed up. My therapist says that I need to take time for myself. He says we need to stay together. It's giving me a headache between my eyes.
  3. You're likely right. He's probably a really nice guy. And hey, we can probably *all* stand to be less self-centered if we're being honest with ourselves. Still don't think I would be as patient about it as you are, but props.
  4. Is this kind of stuff, cross-threads, really productive for anyone? You know scienceguy, I like you. You just rolled with that. Shows progress. Have a *Hug!*
  5. I haven't been able to check the forums much lately, but I saw this post and really wanted to comment on it ... My boyfriend and I have this come up too. I really like talking about dreams - like what kind of house you'd want to live in, what you like in a house, would you rather have a pool or a firepit, that kind of thing. Or, like, what country would you want to live in if you could live anywhere? Or where would you travel to if you could be an international house sitter? That kind of conversation is fun for me. Dreams that are theoretical. Maybe realistically, you even know they probably won't happen. But for me (and possibly your hubby JaLee) it's still fun. So I fit into the "flighty youngster" kind of category. I've always been a dreamer. Those conversations upset my boyfriend though. It's like they make him think of all the things he *can't* have rather than all the things he *could* do. He almost sees it as a bit of an afront - like, why am I talking about all the things he can't or won't do? I think he sees it as a measure of failure too. Like, he can't afford a house, so that seems to translate to him that he's failed as an adult. I think some people are dreamers and some are more firmly planted on the ground. To be honest, I kind of think a couple with each of them is a good thing. Two dreamers together will never have (or stick to) a budget, and two people firmly rooted on the ground can find themselves in stasis. We need one another. :)
  6. Wow ... yeah ... Jules is right. That counselor really shouldn't be allowed to treat patients if that's her idea of "therapy." That's really, really, REALLY wrong.
  7. Over the last couple of weeks, my boyfriend said almost this exact same thing to me. That I "deserve" better. Someone that can "give me a normal life." Thing is, no one can "give you an any-kind-of life." If my bf and I break up tomorrow, and I start dating someone else who's "normal," how is that any kind of guarantee that the new relationship will result in a "normal life?" That normal person and I might break up. Or we might fight a lot. Or he might not be as "normal" as he seemed to begin with. He could even be abusive. Nothing about any of that would be "better." I know it's hard and kind of sucky and when you're depressed you don't believe this. But if you love us when you're up, you need to let us support (love) you when you're down. You'd support him if he were down, wouldn't you? Would you want him to break up with you because he feels like you deserve better than him? Or let's try a different look at it. Let's say he has some kind of illness, like lupus. That kind of thing has remission periods and "flare-up" periods. It's different for every single person that suffers from it. (My sister being one - which is why I picked that, because I know a little about it.) So, your partner has lupus, and his remission periods match what you're describing for your depression. He'll feel fine for a month. Be energetic, happy, and well. And then one morning he feels sick. He needs more medication. He's tired, grouchy, and down. He's in pain and doesn't want you to touch him. And that's just how things are. One month where he's well and 2-3 months where he isn't. Now, you know he has this, and we'll assume that you've told him you're happy to stay and support him through it. We'll assume that you view this as something that's worthwhile because of the relationship and your feelings for him. But when he's sick, he thinks it's too much for you. Even though you've talked, and you've expressed that you want to stay, he thinks you should go and find a normal life with someone else. He tells you to leave. Would you?
  8. About feeling bored in your current relationship, could it be because it's a good relationship? I mean, you mention that he treats you well and with respect. If you were really, really down when you met him, that might be a tough thing to swallow. It might not seem like the relationship is "real." Especially if you're used to having drama, mistreatment, or disrespect in your previous relatinoships. That may not be the case, but I've known people who have gone through feeling like that for this reason. Mind you, if it's that there really is no "spark," then you may just not be in a place to have those feelings for him, or he may just not be the right person for you. But it's something to consider.
  9. It can be hard not to get p***** at *EVERYONE* when you've got anger issues, but scienceguy is right. And so is RatBoy. 90,000 members is just this particular forum. The statistics of how many people actually suffer from mental illness shows that the percentage of the overall population is substantial. And that's not even able to take into account the people that don't come forward with it because of stigma. Partly because the people here are nice to each other, and partly because he's a nice guy personally. We're all here to support one another - all either going through similar things, or supporting people who are. No act and no one trying to sway you or anyone else at all. But you'll probably need to keep in mind that this is exactly the kind of thing that anyone here is going to do. They're going to be nice.
  10. I think it depends on the specific anti-depressant. Most are fine I'm pretty sure, though I think there's a handful of the less commonly used ones that they can't accept.
  11. Congratulations for getting through it in one piece!
  12. Speaking from the outside, I think it's possible for us "neurotypicals" (thanks for the term LonelyHiker) to have at least an idea for how it's affecting a person. I mean, actually understanding it might be a bridge too far - it's hard to really understand how any person's mind works. Sometimes even your own. Heck, sometimes even understanding why it causes someone to act in a particular way can be tough to get. But honestly, I think depression scares some people. I think that's why they dismiss it at times. You can't see it, it can be sort of undefinable, and it can have a huge and unregulated impact on life. They don't know how to deal with it and don't want to believe that someone they care about is coping with something like that. So they shut it out. Obviously, closing your eyes and ears and pretending something isn't happening is neither helpful nor productive. But I guess in some ways it's almost human nature. I mostly just try to understand that it's a really different way of looking at things, that it involves a lot of self-deprication, and that it sucks. Like, both literally sucks the energy out of a person and metaphorically ... just sucks.
  13. Glad to see you posting again RatBoy!!! :)
  14. I agree with Elicia - some women prefer guys like you and some women prefer the burping football types. Honestly, I love little romantic things like this! They're sweet and brighten the day. And I tend to do them in return. What's funny is that I find that some guys are like you describe some women - they get uncomfortable when someone's romantic back at them. It's probably more about you finding someone who's open to this kind of relationship. I think likely people who are generally open to "affectionate" types of relationships would be open to "romantic" ones as well. You're certainly not a **** up!!
  15. Okay, I spend a lot of time revelling in the "little victories" when it comes to my boyfriend and how he feels. And this is one that's had me bouncing all day, so I thought I'd share. :) For anyone that hasn't read my past posts, just to give you a little summary, my boyfriend has severe depression, some anxiety, and really low self-worth. He finds it hard to believe I like him, let alone love him, and has a lot of trouble believing that he "deserves" me. Pretty much every weekend, he comes over to my place and we spend the weekend together. It's become a running joke every weekend that I tell him Friday morning when I call him before work, that I'm going to "cuddle the **** out of him." What can I say? I'm a cuddler. And though he likes cuddling, he prefers to pretend that it's "for me." The first time I said that, he got quiet, then said "why?" It caught me by surprise, but I just said that I liked cuddling, and especially cuddling him. He didn't ask me why again ... although I know the question was in his mind for quite a while. For the last month or so though, he's laughed when I've said it. Joked about it - something like "surprise!!!!" That kind of thing. This morning, I said my usual "know what I'm going to do this weekend?" Rather than saying "what?" as he always does, he chuckled a little and said "cuddle the **** out of me?" I was surprised, but I giggled and said "said it enough times that you know what I'm going to say huh?" He said "no. You've said it enough times that I'm starting to believe it." Now ... I know that doesn't likely seem like progress. But it's *HUGE* for him. I'm really proud of him ... so I'm going to go home and cuddle the **** out of my boyfriend now. :)
  16. Feeling excited about the littlest thing ... and a little silly for being so happy about it! *Laughs*
  17. *Hugs* that's really rough. :( I'm not sure if the relationship is good for you or not, but you're definitely not worthless. You're worth his time and his attention - as well as your own. If you're not getting what you need to be or want to be, then the relationship may not be worth it. But you, personally, are.
  18. *Sneaks up behind PessimOptimist two days later and snags the win while he's asleep!!*
  19. I only just saw this today and realized it mentioned me! *Laughs!!!* :D I stand by it Jalee!! You *are* a sweetheart! :)
  20. Maverick7777 - Thanks - I appreciate the encouragement! I'll have to check out Cooley's work. :) Gisele - well, compliments even when recognized seem to be kind of tough to deal with. Though he usually doesn't say anything about it - he usually just gets a little quiet. I do try not to spend time regretting the things I say, though admittedly I sometimes do it anyway. *Laughs* although attempting to stop myself from saying those things is pretty pointless. It's kind of reflex.
  21. *Hugs* It sounds like you had a really rough night, which often leads to a rough morning and day after. And no doubt. You've had a lot to deal with lately. A lot to process and a lot to figure out. By way of encouragement, you probably haven't erased your progress. Progress comes with a whole tonne of "two steps forward, one step back" kind of movement. Having a night like that, having that kind of conversation, and feeling the way you do is probably one step back. It doesn't mean you've lost ground though - you've still gained that first step. Also, I'd theorize that part of why you're feeling so down today comes from your emotional release last night. While it can be cathartic, it can also bring a lot of things to the surface. Those emotions come to the foreground and it can be an awful lot all at once. Things that you haven't been consciously considering or dealing with can suddenly just be there. I'll be a little blunt - it sucks that your wife couldn't be supportive when you were so upset. And it sucks that she couldn't/didn't offer you kind words after. There could be any number of reasons why (didn't know what to say, didn't know how to deal, going through her own emotional processing, etc.) but that doesn't really make it easier. It also sucks that she got angry with you for wanting to know what's going on. I'm a little surprised that her therapist would recommend emotionally distancing herself from you. Though perhaps that was in response to her intention to move into the guest room. Perhaps if she needs space to process whatever it is that she's going through, her therapist was suggesting ways for her to get that space. It sounds a little bit like she's unclear on where she is in her progress. I'm not sure if that's something that would make her angry, but it depends on what's she's like as a person. But you mentioned that she got annoyed because she felt like she was being "pushed." While it's totally fair for you to want to know what's going on (and don't get me wrong, it really is fair) it also may be fair for her to not want to be pushed to answer if she hasn't figured it out yet. Of course, if that's the case, it would be a lot more helpful and productive if she could tell you that. It seems like this situation is becoming close to unbearable for you. Really, only you can decide when enough is enough. You do seem to want to reconcile and make things work, but at the same time, there does come a point with a limit. And when you reach that limit, you'll need to end the relationship/get a divorce/ask her to move out. Honestly, I would never suggest that someone should stay in a relationship they consider to be abusive. It's not worth it and it eats away at a person. But I can get why you're not eager to end your marriage. I think you probably need to balance how you're feeling and how your wife is currently acting with whether you think she can come back from where she is. Maybe waiting until after you've talked to her therapist to make any decisions would be good? It would give you an opportunity to get a better understanding for where she's at and what kind of progress she's making. Also whether you think her therapist is actually helping her or not.
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