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Bewildered

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About Bewildered

  • Birthday 11/14/1969

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  1. Dealing with a lot so it annoys me that I still think so much about my ex, who i used to think was my best friend. He has shown he can't or has no real interest in being a real friend to me. I'm lonely so that makes it harder. My 15 yr old cat just died so, that makes it harder. I have to have a hysterectomy, which makes it harder. I just started a new job, so that makes it harder in some ways. My closest friend is bipolar and has had some issues lately so he's out of touch right now. I've had a hard time over the last year and have pushed the other few friends I had away, so I am alone a lot lately. I'm 45, I'm not a kid, I invested 2.5 years into this man, with all of his issues... now he is back and a completely different person. How is that possible? And I am so angry at him! And I am so angry at myself for believing so strongly in him. And BEING WRONG! So, a lot is about my ego in away. I feel so stupid and weak for trusting him not to hurt me. Then trying to be there for him and take care of him, just to have him show me i meant nothing to him. I am in therapy and she thinks he couldn't handle it, that it seems like the first real, healthy relationship for him and he just couldn't deal. But that doesn't help me. That thought actually makes it harder. I didn't let myself care about a man for over 10 years after a bad ex who slept with my best friend (since I was 9). And I chose him?!?!?! and it feels like he broke me. I know I have "an enormous amount of stress" (per my therapist) in my life right now, but he is what I think about. What I beat myself up about. I never wanted to hate him and I now think I do. and I hate that.And I hate that I direct a lot of that on myself. Sorry I went off on a babble a bit. Needed to vent, I guess. But I am tired of feeling so tired and sad all of the time.
  2. So, first T I really could not stand, much more of life coach/ cheerleader kind of approach. And she had me plug into relaxing music for 20-30 minutes of a 40 minute session. Then I found one I like and relate to, but now kind of feel she is just too CBT. I feel like she actually cares about me and what I am going through. She even texted me last Sat evening just to check that I was doing ok because she knew with all I am dealing with, on top of that my 15 yr old cat just died. That kind of thing makes me feel i am actually cared about. We talk, but I do not feel like we explore the why or my past issues that got me here. But I do count on her presence. Unfortunately, I just changed jobs and she does not take my new insurance so the cost would triple, so I will need to find someone else which I dread. It is just so hard to find one and I hate that first session where you try to give a complete background which is sooo hard. I'm tired and feel like stopping, but also know I shouldn't. It's just hard and I seem to have enough trouble just dealing with work and life, making this change seems huge.
  3. Thank you all. I appreciate the support. And, Huge, I'm not on medication. I've been avoiding it, trying to deal without it and I really did think I was doing better until a few things happened the last few months to push me back. I guess I will have to rethink it.
  4. So, I tried to reach out to a friend last night. I needed someone there for me. I find this hard, opening up, being weak. If it's someone else, I have compassion. I have very little compassion for myself. I needed someone to listen to me, be there for me like I'm always doing for others. Instead she turned it all about her. Even when I talked over her that my post op doc appt showed I needed a hysterectomy within the next year she turned it about her. I ended up feeling worse than before I called her. Even more sad and alone. I have no one. And my new job is located far away and my therapist only has one night ab week with a late appt so she can't see me till Feb 11 th. So, I have no one to talk to. My ex was my best friend, but he's gone now. So, I have no one I can talk to and I feel so alone. I don't know what to do, I just go through life. I just go thru the motions for no other reason than to get thru the day. I'm so tired.
  5. So, I tried to reach out to a friend last night. I needed someone there for me. I find this hard, opening up, being weak. If it's someone else, I have compassion. I have very little compassion for myself. I needed someone to listen to me, be there for me like I'm always doing for others. Instead she turned it all about her. Even when I talked over her that my post op doc appt showed I needed a hysterectomy within the next year she turned it about her. I ended up feeling worse than before I called her. Even more sad and alone. I have no one. And my new job is located far away and my therapist only has one night ab week with a late appt so she can't see me till Feb 11 th. So, I have no one to talk to. My ex was my best friend, but he's gone now. So, I have no one I can talk to and I feel so alone. I don't know what to do, I just go through life. I just go thru the motions for no other reason than to get thru the day. I'm so tired.
  6. So, long story short - my ex who has complex PTSD isolated for 13 months and recently came back into my life. Initially I wanted to be friends, deep down I probably wanted more. But now I know there was a short relationship with another woman after his depression, but before he contacted me again. His PTSD is from childhood abuse and time in service. He "just fell in love" with a bipolar woman not in treatment or on meds that only lasted about 3 months. He said she seemed like him, he thought they had their damage in common. Then he told me stories about how manipulative and mean she was, reminding me of his mother. He tends to get involved with women that are chaos. He even offered to go back to therapy for her!! Says he broke up with her, but now felt less comfortable isolating. I seem to be in a category that is not a love prospect. He says he is connected to me. Can talk to me like no other woman, he can't help wanting me physically. When we are physical it is body and mind. The whole conversation hurt me a great deal. That is a huge understatement. Understand, when he isolated for 13 months, he ripped my heart out. He broke a part of me. I haven't had good luck with men, been through my share of heart break. I had to convince myself to open myself up to him, it was hard for me, but I trusted him. We would get closer and then he would pull away. It was a painful love, full of uncertainty. But at the core of it I did trust him and completely believed he would always be honest with me. I believed so strongly in the friendship. I believe I have always had tendencies towards anxiety and depression, but when he left it threw me all the way into a hole. It was not only him, there were other issues, but he was kind of a last straw that broke me apart. I was getting better before he showed back up, I was moving forward inch by inch. The biggest issue probably is that when he contacted me again he kept this relationship a secret and even implied he wanted me back. I found out about her because I found a birthday card in his house with "To the man I love" and I had to ask him about her. He was honest, but completely lacking any empathy or compassion, a part of his PTSD that I have never experienced before then, but he had told me about a long time. And I hate that I can tell he thinks he is doing better, he is still not in therapy, but used to be years ago. But I see him heading down a bad path, so a small part of me wants to be there when he needs me. I don't want to be another person who turns their back on him. Another part wants to run away from it all. Part of me wants to try to be his friend. Part of me wants to forget the PTSD aspect of the whole thing and just be angry at him for lying to me by omission and manipulating me and acting like our friendship hasn’t changed. He just moved on and it has all changed for him and I haven't. I don’t contact him, except every once in awhile. He calls and talks about random things and I am ok, but afterwards I am so sad. I used to feel so close to him, I could tell him anything. Now I barely talk, I mostly just listen. I hate moving through life in a fog. I put on my mask and move through life amazed no one can tell how dead I feel. I seem to only have to states, numb or deeply and totally just worn out and so sad. My concentration is shot. It feels like every week something negative happens in my life. It never gets better. It just gets harder and harder.
  7. I get that too. Sometimes I've gotten upset or angry that my T or a closer friend can't see past the mask. Only my mother could, always could. But she's been gone 8 years now. I can see it in others most of the time.
  8. I'm not afraid of death. I am scared of dying slowly, painfully, and alone. My mom was very ill for a long time, congestive heart disease and several strokes. I don't want to be dependent on anyone like that or needing to be and having just a stranger. Death, I'm not afraid of, I see it as an escape. I'd like this life to be done, but don't want my family to hurt. I am not suicidal, just would like to be done. I do not believe in heavan/ he'll, but I think there is something else - a plane, a different existence, maybe reincarnation. I'm not sure exactly what, but just don't think there is a heavan /hell or good/bad or reward/ punishment paradigm. The only way I see that paradigm as possible is if this is "hell" and "heavan" is rest or relief from life.
  9. The mask is automatic now. Most people I know think I'm confident and strong, sarcastic and funny. When I have trouble, it comes out as grumpy, not sad. It's exhausting, but I can't help it. It makes it incredibly hard for me to take it off with my therapist or when I have actually wanted to be open with someone. Now when I want to be open, I just shut down when the emotion roars in and I can't talk. I see my sadness as a weakness, I no longer seem able to be vulnerable with anyone. When I was younger, I could. The deep emotions make me feel weak and I hate weakness in myself. But only in myself, never in others. I'm always there to talk to others when they are down or sad or hurt. When it's me, I think I need to buck up and just handle it. I know that's not healthy and I am trying to work on it. But the mask is still in place 99% of the time. Have to seem in control.
  10. Thank you! My surgery went well. Hopefully, I won't have to have anything else, but a hysterectomy is still possible in the future. Not sure why that possibility bothers me so much. I'm too old (45) to have children now, in my own opinion.And my ability to successfully carry to term was unlikely by 41. Thought of a hysterectomy still upsets me more than I would have thought. But, thank you so much for responding to my post. It helped.
  11. Have my surgery today and scared . And feeling so alone. Logically, I have 1 or 2 people I could turn to , but I can't make myself. I don't want to add to anyone 's burden and really no one can do anything. It is what it is, I just have to do it. But I'm scared and it just brings home more how alone in life I am. And I feel like a coward and a broken record. I don't want to deal with this.
  12. I really can identify with heartbreak. I am still trying to get over my ex, it's been almost 2 years. He isolated for 13 months and now I am trying to be his friend, but am starting to accept that it won't work because I still have feelings for him and he doesn't have any for me. It still hurts, physically at times. Not a day has gone by that I haven't thought of him and missed him. Miss what I thought we had. Missed his friendship. But I realize now I compromised too much for him. He has complex PTSD and I fought my trust issues and my temper to be calm and supportive for him. It's hard knowing you were good to someone, for someone, but it doesn't matter. I realize now that nothing I did could have been enough for him. He went from me to chaos, chasing what he grew up with. I see how unhealthy his behavior is, but I can't help him. I am working very hard to accept that and that he will never see me like I see him. Having your heart smashed is hard. I feel broken, like I will never be normal again. But, I will. Someday, I will.
  13. You didn't make me feel worse, it is how I feel right now. It feels good to be honest about it.
  14. This hit a nerve with me. I had one 2 yr relationship with a man who then cheated on me with my oldest friend. The friend I had known since I was 7, I believed she was my best friend. Therefore, I stopped trusting anyone really for over 10 years. A few years ago I decided to let people in again, but to be more careful. I honestly thought I was being more careful. Then I noticed the few friends that I had learned to trust wanted me to be there for them, but rarely could be there for me. And I ended up in a relationship for 2.5 years with a man with complex PTSD. He ended up breaking my heart savagely, I loved him completely. He dumped my by avoidance which was due to him going into a depression and isolating. But then he came back into my life 13 months later, he seems different or maybe I see him more clearly? He has now lied to me, manipulated me, and used my feelings for him against me. So, he broke my heart twice. Instead of feeling still open, I am now shut down and do not ever want to give someone the power to hurt me like that again. And I hate that now I see it as something wrong with me. I give too much, I care too much. I feel like something is wrong with me that I cannot find people that really care about me. I will try to be more open to the possibility, but not yet. I need time alone. But I will try again someday, I hope.
  15. I am not sure how to start. I've been diagnosed as having moderate to severe depression. It is connected to a degree to a 2 1/2 year relationship with a man with complex PTSD who dumped me by avoidance, A lot of push and pull. A lot of uncertainty. A lot of compromising on my part in order to deal with his issues. A lot of pushing down my trust issues and accepting a situation where he had control. I have always had some tendencies, but it never hit the level it did until he disappeared on me. Then he contacted me again, after 13 months, telling me he had gone into a depression, but missed me. I said we could be friends. He wanted to see me, and then kept pushing off actually seeing me. I was torn and scared, but I missed his friendship. No, to be honest, I just missed him. And I'm loyal. I'm an all in kind of gal. Then he asked me to come see him because his truck was not running. I went to visit him; I just decided to do it. Spent very little time alone with him. Spent time with his new friend. In the morning he left me alone in his house while he had job, we were to meet a few hours later for brunch. I found a card to "the man I love" for his bday 2 months earlier. Turns out, I found out much later (a few weeks) that he was in a depression for about 9 months and then, "just fell in love" with a bipolar woman not in treatment or on meds that only lasted about 3 months. He said she seemed like him, he thought they had their damage in common. Then he told me stories about how manipulative and mean she was, reminding me of his mother. He tends to get involved with women that are chaos. He even offered to go back to therapy for her!! Says he broke up with her, but now felt less comfortable isolating. I seem to be in a category that is not a love prospect. He says he is connected to me. Can talk to me like no other woman, he can't help wanting me physically. When we are physical it is body and mind. The whole conversation hurt me a great deal. That is an understatement.He doesn't understand the pain he has caused me. He will admit fault in his actions, but seems not to actually have compassion for the pain caused. I feel manipulated, I feel used. My life is in a bad place. I hate my job, just accepted a new one, 45 minutes across town. My 77 yr old dad is declining physically. I have my 3rd cervical cone biopsy next Tuesday. Probably will need a hysterectomy soon. My 15 year old cat is terminal and is probably my best friend. My one close friend I haven't pulled away from is bipolar so I try not to turn to him too much. I feel so tired and so alone. And I am so tired of feeling this way, My therapist says I have a great deal of stress and should consider anti-depressants, but I really don't want them. Not yet. I should be able to handle this on my own. I hate feeling weak. I spend a lot of energy and time trying to portray a strong person. I don't feel strong. I feel tired and alone and weak. I hate it. I am so tired of always trying so hard. Trying, always trying. Feels like life is just meeting obligations. I have surgery on Tuesday and I'm scared it will make my health worse. The scariest thing to me is that the thought something could go wrong and I could die is my best case scenario. It is a good thought. It would be a relief. I'm tired. I'm tired of my life. I can still function. I go to work. I do what has to be done. But when I am at home, alone... I am so sad. I am so tired. I never sleep unless I drink. Even when I take sleeping pills I only sleep about an hour or two and then I am awake again.I keep trying, but I have hit a place where I don't understand why anymore.
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