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Everything posted by Maverick7777

  1. Maverick7777


    i like your thoughts. i always hope i am not judging people as they deal with grief. i think love matters even when people are at their worst - i want to offer empathy, compassion, appropriate space, and companionship as they progress (often unevenly) through the "stages."
  2. hi - welcome to df. sorry about your loss. the medication pathway is a very uneven terrain. it seemed everything we tried included some side effects and some were not worth it to me. my psych and i have tried several and as of today the three i am taking for depression and anxiety (with another for really bad days) seems to be working a little...even a little has been better. but it can be frustrating. i would just encourage you to keep trying with the professional to figure something out. i hope the best for you. it sounds like you have been making healthy choices.
  3. welcome i have done some adding and subtracting in the med cocktails and have been doing this for about 3.5 years. have had trouble finding something that would work enough and with as few side effects as possible (some more tolerable than others). for me...i try to talk to the dr. a lot. i try to be as honest and clear as i can be about what is happening choosing not to worry if i am being a nuisance. there are a lot of options (more than i knew of in the beginning and new things arriving all the time) and with the options i would like to have the best "quality" of life possible - so i try to be an advocate for myself. i guess i would suggest staying in touch with the professional, stick with the instructions, and be patient. it could take some time. i hope it goes well for you. (it is probably hard to do this without insurance - sorry)
  4. hang tough. this is a hard road to walk - but people here are good companions for the journey. hope your blogging adds something good to your life.
  5. welcome i would just encourage you to keep working closely with the professionals. sometimes it takes awhile to figure things out. hope things get better for you.
  6. welcome a lot of good care from other posts... i am sad with you. would be really worried if you stay with the guy. can you find someone to talk to? life is hard. keep trying to find a way. be brave.
  7. welcome i think it is great that you are seeing someone for counseling - you have taken an important step. there are a lot of supportive people here who understand. sorry for your feelings of shame. I have found that there are a lot of things i feel with the depression and anxiety that are not really true, but i do feel them. on a good day i win the argument with myself, and on the bad days i struggle with my perceptions. on a great day my evaluation is a totally different narrative, a different story. i really hope the best for you. again welcome.
  8. welcome to df finding the right med cocktail can take a while. that is kind of normal. i have always thought the time needed to wait to discover if it works as difficult - but patience is needed. for awhile i was on the combo you mention but moved to something else. sometimes the side effects are an issue. just keep trying and hoping, whatever it takes, it can be worth it. make sure the doc is a good fit and will do their best to find a way. if there is any kind of relief that can happen it is a good thing. hoping the best for you.
  9. welcome to df the anxiety is a hard thing. when it first started happening to me i had no idea and was terrified - now that i know i still struggle with it. it feels like velocity. along with depression which is a load of gravity i am often in a troubled quandary. I long for something different - i hope you find it. I hope you can find a way to secure help - maybe in one of the normallity moments. i hope for you that this dissipates.
  10. yes keep writing. i hope you hear from others who are full of empathy and personal knowledge. relationships matter. failures are hard to figure out. wisdom requires a lot of thought. the end is the beginning of something else. i hope you hear from others and that you can find your way.
  11. welcome to df. when i listen to you write of your story it feels familiar. a lot of the time i just try to remember to breathe. over time i have negotiated different ideas of what 'success' will mean in my journey. over time i have come to not assume there will be an answer but that there is some hope. may this community - of people who understand - be those who can come alongside of you.
  12. welcome this is a supportive place eveyone has a story...mine eventually included a psychiatrist, a therapist, and a few prescriptions hope the best for you
  13. i think you are touching on some really important and honest questions. most people stay at the shallow end... in my life pursuing some questions is important to my health. more often than not i keep coming up with more questions than i have answers for. i have found a lot of mystery but there are a few things that have mattered a lot to me in my ongoing discoveries and i have chosen to give them a status as trueth for me on my journey...that this is where i am now.
  14. hi it seems like you have some understanding of where you are. it seems like you have some understanding of what might inhibit future effort. i like your rant. sometimes i am in that place. sometimes the more i write about it or talk about it the less i do about it...something escalates but it is not usually the next step in a healthier direction. i have made some decisions... i have decided that i have to keep going even if i cannot find a single thread of motivation. i have decided to move ahead even if today it means only leaning a little in the right direction. i have decided i won't have enough clarity for my questions or my next step but to keep going. i have decided that some people in my life make it worth walking into the future even if it is dark. i have decided to keep trying to do all those things i know i need to do whether i want to or not. i have decided these things for my life. i have decided that this is what i can do and i will become the sum total of all of these choices. i hope you find your way. i hope you find something you would label success.
  15. i think they are different but they can be the same. was thinking of a particular psycho/sociological teaching that suggests that what we think about ourselves is shaped by what the most important person in our life thinks about us. i think that this relationship to self understanding has some truth to it. i think we get to choose how much truth it will have in our life. i think we have the freedom to agree or disagree and live with the decisions. i think it is really hard to appreciate one's 'self' in this beautiful and broken world. i think that my depression and anxiety keeps me really off balance when it comes to esteem and there is often an argument between my head and my heart and my meds about what is really true.
  16. i am sorry this happened to you. i guess my first response in reading your post was anger - i could hear you when you said it was not your desire to proceed... it seems to have remained a reference point in your story a way you understand yourself. sometimes that is not a good thing. in my experience i have not always been able to eliminate the regret - really hate that and i continue to live with some of the regrets. sometimes i can choose to 'reinterpret' something in the past. sometimes i can choose to 'revalue' an event in a different way. sometimes i can choose to learn from the past to help me navigate the future. sometimes i can choose to put an event in a different space than something that is true about me, my real self, especially when the event was not my choice. i don't know if what i am saying makes any sense. i hope you (patiently) find what you are looking for.
  17. depression and anxiety have reshaped my relationships. the various meds and their side effects have reshaped my relationships. the only thing i knew to do was to include the people around me into the process of me finding my way - this seemed important. they get confused. i run out of ways to explain, metaphors to enlighten, and energy to keep trying all the time. but i do keep trying - maybe that is important also. i am sorry for you. it is hard feeling empty. went last night with a close friend to a concert and she mentioned that she could not 'read' me, did i have a good time...i did...it just doesn't show like it used to in my actions, my expressions, my smile. i would do whatever possible to keep family together. maybe a therapist. for sure honesty.
  18. welcome to df. hope you find the next step in your journey - maybe it will be with us.
  19. do i question my depression - yes. do i still have a sense of humor - sometimes. it is cool you have some 'improvement.' i am glad for you. i hope you find yourself a little more improved all the time - especially in such important areas as motivation and energy. i have a hard time when i see the psychiatrist or therapist and they want to know how i am doing... it is hard to measure. through what grid or filter am i seeing and evaluating? it is hard to know what i am comparing things to (am i thinking in relationship to the old me, the new me or the medicated me). with the psych he has a little chart where i rate things on a scale of 1 to 10 but it always feels unattached to where i might be. the little evaluations and summaries seem insufficient for what feels so complicated on the inside. (the complication places me at their mercy or i would just fix myself) it seems the first question in the face to face encounter with the psychiatrist and the therapist is forever 'how am i doing?' and i don't always know, and grow weary of saying 'not great,' or of trying to say the same thing in some new meaningful way that we can usefully unpack in discussion. (if i can confess...with one therapist i started to slant or stretch the truth about how things were just to find out what we would talk about, because i was bored, so i would just make things up and inhabit a different story and see how consistent i could be...i ended up switching to a new therapist and have only been honest) nowadays i ask the people around me (that i trust who know) how it seems i am doing. once i even took a close friend with me one time to therapy to let them tell the pro what i was like recently - thought that would be interesting maybe more enlightening that me saying 'not great.' again i am glad that you are experiencing some good things. thank you for sharing - it is encouraging.
  20. yes it does get a little weary smiling and trying to think of something to say. do you have anyone you can trust? i lean on an inner circle where i can be myself however it is. they care about me. they understand. they are not perfect but they make a difference to me. with them i don't have to smile or answer questions i can just be present or off to the side.
  21. welcome to df. glad you have a perspective that helps you imagine good out of bad. i have had an uneven experience of the meds - good and bad - but still waiting on great. hope the best for you.
  22. i just wanted to write something after reading your post. don't know if it has value or relevance. i think it is confusing in our culture to figure out life without a significant other. a solo life is not valued or appreciated. i think community/relationships are important - and that is for me something i can choose if i want to find it. i hope you find some peace where you are now and that you can keep finding people who can matter to you in your life.
  23. i can hide it if i work hard. working hard can be exhausting. those closest to me know - i had to tell them. the closest know, love, and help me be accountable. i don't like the deception. i need to wear a mask to keep my job.
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