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About flight

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  • Birthday 01/01/1966

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    Trying to make sense of life.
  1. Disgusted with life!! I was thinking; there is no period in my 49 years so far that I would go back to if I could and the thought that there may be something so horrible in my future it would make me wish I could get back to this present time is truly frightening. I suppose this is the depression talking. What's even crazier is when I think, "what is the best thing that could happen in my future?" and say, "hit the lottery or somehow come into enough money to allow me to retire from this job I hate and still provide for my family, my daughter grows up to be a well adjusted happy person and gives me grandchildren, my health is good, etc" my feeling is, so what?! That's also scary! I don't consider myself suicidal, but once I imagine the best possible scenario and it still doesn't move me, what's left?
  2. Feeling life is futile. Tired of wondering If things will be ok or if the bottom of my life will fall out any moment. My mood may have something to do with the fact I was a couple of days late getting my wellbutrin prescription refilled and also took half of a klonopin this past weekend (I think klonopin aggravates my depression though it helps with anxiety). Then again, it could be that I found out last week that one of the retired administrators from my high school back home committed M*****/suicide last month taking his wife of forty something years with him. And then, it could be all of those factors combined.
  3. Heard a song on the radio a couple of hours ago with a melody, that though beautiful, made me sad. It has been looping over and over in my head ever since and is making me blue.
  4. Feeling down. It's amazing how I have been in this position so many times and always seem to feel better eventually (something positive will happen even if it is something small). Knowing that this feeling is temporary still does not eliminate it or even lessen it. Why can't I just skip it all together?
  5. Feeling a little better than yesterday. I'm thinking about going to the golf range after work to work on my swing. I've been pondering it the past week or so, and think I may have figured some things out about it. I haven't been to the range in a couple of months, because I had gotten so frustrated; amazing how difficult it can be to strike a little white ball that's just sitting still daring you to hit it and make it go where you want it to go. The ball weighs an ounce or two and I weigh 235lbs, but it has beaten me many times! LOL
  6. Kind of down, but not completely in the dumps. Feeling like no matter what, life on this earth is only gonna be so go. I does seem futile.
  7. Doing ok. Just hoping they come out with some new, more effective, antidepressants in the near future. I've been on wellbutrin for years and I don't think it's working that well anymore. The other meds I've taken over the years, and there have been many, all had sexual side effects and that's a huge deal breaker for me. Maybe this is as good as it gets and nothing could ever make me feel better. Maybe this is the way most people feel and they just handle it better than me. Maybe I'm expecting too much from life. I don't know. I'll just keep going for as long as I can.
  8. Helpless. I feel helpless to change/improve my situation. I don't feel hopeless just yet, but I'm on the way. I guess the reason I feel some hope is the idea that something outside of myself could change things. I have been estranged from my biological father for about 12 years now. Have not seen or spoken with him since calling him the morning my mother passed to let him know. He only visited her twice during the last 8 months of her illness and did not even call her. I did not see him at the funeral either. I was an outside child and never lived with him and didn't even learn of my relationship to him until I was a teenager. He told me on a couple of occasions when I was a teen that when he died he was leaving me some money. I had not asked him that and as a teen it had not even crossed my mind. He just volunteered that info. He's 80 years old now and though it does make me feel like a rotten person to even be thinking along these lines, I have been struggling financially for years now and, well......you know what I'm getting at! Rotten or not, I feel the way I feel, period.
  9. Feeling stuck as usual and helpless to improve my life. Also feeling fearful of the future. The thought that these could be the good days and there could be times ahead that will make me wish I could return to these days.
  10. It's the last day of the year and I feel ok. This year wasn't too bad....I have certainly lived through much worse years! I'm feeling thankful for now and hopeful for the year to come. I hope we all have a Happy New Year!!
  11. "I have failed. I am a failure as a husband, as a father, as a son, as a man. I cannot make people happy np matter how hard I try. All I get for my efforts is verbal and mental abuse from people who are supposed to love and support me. I am feeling as though the world would be better off if I wasn't a part of it. I don't know how to make things better." Daveb48, I'm sorry to hear you are catching it so hard right now. I suspect most, if not all of us, have felt this way at some point though our lives are different. But I'm not making light of it, because your post is very unsettling! It sounds like you are at a dangerous place right now. If you aren't already in therapy and/or on medication, it sounds like some professional help is needed! If you are, it sounds like some changes are needed. I'm not a professional, but I have been in and out of therapy many times and expect I will be on medication the rest of my life. I hate that I need it, but I'm glad it's there! I hope things improve for you really soon.
  12. Carukia, sorry to hear about the loss of your father. It is a bitter pill to swallow (I lost mine in 1984), but we do survive. I'm feeling lazy. I am AT work, but that's about it. I don't think any of my coworkers are getting much done today, either! Guess we're all looking for to the Christmas holiday; 5 days off this year including the weekend!
  13. Havehope, sorry you're having a bad day. Suicide is an option, but not a nice one! I wish I had the words for you that would completely brighten your mood, but I don't. Seeing has how you are a member here too, I know you have had bad days before, but you obviously survived them and may have even had a few good days between them. I am struggling too, but I'm thinking about one of the lines in a song I heard where the singer says he is going to "run on and see what the end's gonna be". Most of the time I feel too weak to run, but dammit I am crawling!! LOL
  14. I'm feeling very tired, weak, and close to hopeless. At 49 years old, life really makes no more sense to me now than it did when I was 19. I try not to fall into that "it's all b.s." way of thinking, but I inevitably do. Day in and day out, I'm grateful to not be homeless and hungry or have the full extent of my inadequacies and fears exposed, but I'm just a tad bit resentful to be living in a world where these disasters could occur at any time. Hope they don't, fear they will. I do take some comfort in the fact that time never ceases to move and that each moment, I'm moving closer to the time when my departure will come; whenever, wherever, and however it does. I can see how triumph could be an imposter, but disaster (and the thought of it) are all too real.
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