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bri33

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  1. I literally am, my depression has prevented me from basically working and have been living off savings for years. I don't have much time left, I'm going to run out of money in a few months. I'm stressed out of my mind, not only has my life sucked forever, this year I've done so much to try and improve it. I've taken up hobbies, got in best shape of my life, going to meetups every other day, working my ass off (until recently) The meetups end up making me feel worse because it's just these superficial relationships that go nowhere. The work aspect is getting me nowhere, I'm losing my mind, I'm burnt out and I have no where to turn too. I'm 31 and at this point I have no hope things will get better, even if you put a billion dollars in my bank account my life still isn't good, I'm still completely alone and miserable. This is just torture at this point, and I really don't want to extend it but I don't know if I can or how to fix it, it really seems impossible at this point. My life is just 24/7 worrying about how my life is falling part and I can't fix it, I wish I could just relax.
  2. 6 years ago around this time I was coming off huge weight loss, plastic surgeries. I was incredibly successful for my age and doing well professionally. The only piece that was missing was social relationships. I moved to city on June 1st though, and was extremely optimistic that I was going to put myself out there. I had really bad social anxiety but forced myself to go to meetups, take classes, talk and ask girls out. I basically fell on my face for two years and got nowhere. This lead to a downward spiral. I haven't made income in years, I have trouble motivating myself. As a result I've been living off savings. I can't get a place since I have no income and am going from sublet to sublet. My current sublet is ending soon and I don't have anything planned and really just don't want to put the effort forward. I don't know what I will do. I'm just stuck in this endless cycle. I'm self employed, I need to make money to get a lease, but I need to make a stupid amount in short amount of time to get it. I tried pushing myself to just work but it resulting in me losing money last year and doing an insane amount with little returns this year that just caused stress and disappointment. I really have no motivation to get money other than reduce stress which is a problem. I really don't think I will meet anyone at this point, I'm completely isolated. I've been going to a meetup every other day the last few months and no luck. At same time I don't think it will bring me happiness either.. It feels like I'm in a huge hole and it's nearly impossible to get out. I'm just so tired of this , I'm tired of trying.
  3. Money & Relationships In regards to Relationships, I really don't even have anyone I can pick up the phone and call. No friends. Right now I'm regularly attending two different meetup groups and a class but have found that they really aren't great for making friendships. I would like to do more, and feel I still waste a lot of time but am stuck in an endless cycle. I feel guilty about not making money, as a result I don't want to spend much, but I can't focus and see no point because I'm depressed. I'm self employed, used to do pretty well until the depression crippled me. I haven't made money in over a year and living off savings. I NEED to network in order to do well at my job, it's possible, but so god damn hard without knowing people. I have a list full of skype contacts that I've met over the years but not really developed relationships with. I just don't know how to network, I don't get how other people do it. It's weird being like hey how's it going to so cna you help me. I'm scared to ask for help. Right now I'm just stuck in this part. It's kind of like you know what you need but you don't know how to get it at all. I've tried talking with people and stuff on skype but they barely seem to want to respond. Anyone have any advice on this?
  4. I'm really tired of life. Being told it will get better or being given advice that is overly simplistic. I'm 30, at this point I realize after all the effort I've put into improving life, it's not getting better. I lost 100 pounds, I've had plastic surgeries, I've had a dating coach, forced myself to many meetups/classes with a bad case of social anxiety, traveled the world. Yet when I seek advice from others online I'm told I haven't tried hard enough. I've probably already accomplished more in my life than most ever will, yet those same people tell me I have to try harder. It annoys me. I've also been on over ten meds, had a few psychiatrists, many psychologists. Been told by university psychiatrist that more meds at this point have really no chance of helping, been told ketamine isn't really a good solution. At this point, I'm falling into trap where I can't function again, at my moms just on her couch for a week. Can't even bring myself to find somewhere to go/live. I just realize at this point, no matter how much people are shouting that you just have to keep going and work and you can accomplish anything some people just aren't going to make it no matter what. Some get lucky, some can try and try again and will get nowhere. No one gives a about you. I was successful in my early 20's and saved money, that has been my safety net. I haven't really made income last few years, partly because I blow at networking, other half because depression has killed my cognitive abilities. Right now I'm losing a lot daily 'working'. I know I'm not going to be successful and just want to drain my money since that is the last piece keeping me alive. Once I have no money I'll be rock bottom and have no reason to keep living.
  5. I was on a wait list and my spot just came up. I've been severely depressed to the point I can't function. Previous six months have included me 'investing' in myself, spending more on doctors than I do on rent that has left me in a bad spot financially. These treatments are incredibly expensive and can screw me up worse financially if it doesn't work and I don't get better, but at same point, why not try since if I don't I"ll probably be dead in a few years anyways.
  6. I was on a wait list and my spot just came up. I've been severely depressed to the point I can't function. Previous six months have included me 'investing' in myself, spending more on doctors than I do on rent that has left me in a bad spot financially. These treatments are incredibly expensive and can screw me up worse financially if it doesn't work and I don't get better, but at same point, why not try since if I don't I"ll probably be dead in a few years anyways.
  7. I've had several doctors push for this, I just don't see how it would be any different or effective than any normal treatment. I feel my biggest issue is the fact I'm so isolated. I don't have friends, family, no support structure. My fear is that I'll just go to one of these then go back to my normal life, it won't help me gain friends or anything liek that. Are my beliefs misguided or no?
  8. Double dysthmia with severe episodic depressive episode? Lexapro, Welbutrin, Zoloft, Risperdone, Brintelix, Abilify, Serequel, Cymbalta, Latuda, Lithium, I probably forgot something. I seem to be really sensitve to medications and experienced a load of side effects which is why I was able to cycle through so many in such a short time. It seems like I've seriously tried everything and nothing has worked. My psychiatrist was pushing for ECT, that's only thing I haven't tried. I want something to work, but get very depressed when I realize they don't even know what to do with me. I had one psychiatrist straight up tell me she doesn't even know what to do at this point and wnats me to get a second opinion. I'm currently with a new psychologist and it seems like she has no idea what to even say since half the session is spent in awkward silence.
  9. I have no friends, and whenever I bring up depression with a normal only bad things happen.
  10. So I've been depressed for years, and it got really bad a few months ago. I've taken over ten medications since then, seen three different psychiatrist, 3 different psychologist, and feel like I've kind of been passed around lately since no one knows *** to do with me anymore. I stopped seeing the psychiatrist and taking my meds because she basically told me I've tried all meds and was really pushing for ECT. I'm still currently seeing psychologist but don't see the point anymore. It feels like she has no idea what to even say as she just asks me random questions to fill time wiht lots of awkward silence. I kind of feel half the session is spent in quiet with what are you thinking. I mean, if this is professional help, and they don't know what to even do with me at this point, what am I supposed to do? I really feel like I'm going to have to **** myself at this point, like it's the only way out.
  11. I spent over ten years working on improving my life. I went from obese to slim, poor to doing OK, really bad social anxiety to getting a dating coach and putting myself out there. I'm still alone, and I'm still miserable. Even after all these 'improvements' I think to myself how I was better off ten years ago since I had hope. I'm self employed and not really working, I have no motivation to work knowing if you put a billion dollars in my bank account nothing about my life would change and I'd still be miserable the next day. Whenever I ask for advice I get some general stuff like go to the gym and take vitamin D and in two week you will be fine. Or some other general stuff (eg someone told me to just ask people to have breakfast with you, but I have no friends, and no one to ask) I put all this effort into making my life better and have nothing to show for it, on top of that, when people tell me to do stuff I already tried and failed at, they look down at me. You hear so much how no one wants to be around depressed/negative people, that you have to put on an act, at this point I'm sick of that act and have just completely withdrawn and not even trying to be social. I don't want to hear things will get better, they aren't going to magically get better at this point. I'm almost 30, if they haven't gotten better by now they never will. I'm really sad and regretful I've basically missed the best years of my life at this point. I've previously sought help, been on some anti depressants, and nothing has helped. At this point waking up in the morning is a struggle, and I won't be fully ready until 1-2pm by the time I'm out of bed and shower. I've been traveling, and at this point going from sublet to sublet, not really fixed in one location, so even if I wanted help I can't commit to anyone because I can't commit to a doctor. I just kind of want to cash out my retirement, say **** it and stop stressing over not making money I just don't know what to even do at this point. I'm not suicidal and scared of death, but at same time see myself eventually just committing suicide. I really don't care to live anymore tbh, I see no reasons logically why things should ever get better. I have no motivation to do anything, I don't enjoy doing anything, every day just consists of me doing nothing. I really don't know what to even do at this point, things have just progressively gotten worse and worse over the last few years and I just feel tortured.
  12. My psychiatrist seemed uninterested in helping. I need new health insurance, and since I don't know where I'm going to be can't really go about finding a new one. I'm self employed and have completely stopped working last few months also and need income.
  13. I've done nothing but think about death nonstop since the summer, ******* myself, what happens after, maybe the only reason I'm alive right now is a fear of death. I've tried to change my life, put myself out there, but I just ended up getting rejected over and over. I'm all alone, I have no one, only people I can even talk to are my parents, and they are not people who I want to talk about my depression so I pretend everything is alright. After some REALLY bad experiences with anti depressants a few years ago I swore them off. I got low enough last month that I went to my old psychiatrist again to do something because I didnt' know what else to do. She prescribed abilify, my insurance covered it but required pre authorization, after days of speaking on the phone I couldn't get a good reason why but was never approved. I then started trying to get her to give me other options, but before the holidays she told me she would get back to me but never did. So now my life since then has been basically sleep 12 hours a day. Wake up, struggle to even perform a 5 minute task, I feel no joy, I can't do anything, I can't even motivate myself to watch tv. I have really bad racing thoughts and basically have a tension migraine every day. I wen to my mom's for the holidays with intention of finding a new place after but can't even bring myself to do that. I just don't see myself getting out of this, I really don't know what to even do at this point since everything I've tried and failed and it's only made my depression worse. I'm just in complete agony most of the time. I really have no reason to believe I'll ever bee good enough
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