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Everything posted by Michelle38

  1. The fact that you even considered suicide at any point in your life is a serious issue so I would not look at it as you blowing anything out of proportion. Even just contemplating it is a big deal. I had out of the blue urges to jump off boats and out of cars. I kind of wish I had taken them a bit more seriously and I might have avoided crashing into a severe depression. If you must come clean to feel good then do so. Your therapists are not out to judge you and if you are honest like you stated here I am sure they will understand but whether or not what you told them matches what happened if you were at all feeling suicidal at any point that is a big deal and never should be looked at lightly. So in my opinion you were doing what you thought was best for you to get you the help you need. No one can fault you for that. What is important is you see a problem and you are reaching out for help. Forgive yourself, you didn't do anything wrong.
  2. Trading one negative coping strategy, looking outside yourself for validation, for another, self blame is not the answer. As one of the other posters stated we are all self interested. It is part of our dna tied into our survival instincts. Ideally the goal is to free yourself from needing others approval and learning to be your own best advocate. I would say discuss this change and how the therapy is making you feel with your therapist. Turning around a low self image is a painful process but keep at it. It will be worth it in the end. It is important to remember that all of us aren't all good but we also aren't all bad either. We aren't meant to be perfect. Be gentle with yourself.
  3. There is no right or wrong way to deal with depression except to give up on yourself. You appear to have a lot of self blame. Expecting yourself to be perfect and being unable to reach that impossible goal is something I struggle with as well. The fact of the matter is anxiety is pretty pervasive and is very likely the cause of your short fuse. But running from it will not make any of it go away. It is important that you confront your inner demons so they can't haunt you anymore. Do this by doing some soul searching to understand yourself and your triggers better. Be mindful of the language you use and try to refuse to give into defeating demeaning self talk. Pay attention to the times in the day where your mood seems to shift even if it is just slightly to see where your triggers are. You don't' necessarily need meds but you do need to try and take some steps to learn better coping skills. I was never taught good ones by my parents because quite frankly they were never taught them themselves. You can do this with a therapist or by finding some good books that speak to you. The important thing to remember is that you don't have to be a prisoner to depression and anxiety but you do have to take an active part in recovery if you ever hope to get past it. It is not easy and it is quite time consuming but it isn't an impossible feat. Just first try and pay a bit more attention to yourself and above all else be gentle with your failings. This is vitally important for a person with self blame. Life isn't a proving thing it is a learning thing. We are not meant to be perfect. The less pressure you put on yourself to reach unrealistically high expectations the better you will feel about yourself. Above all else be kind to yourself.
  4. Hmm, seems almost too simplistic to me. I had dream not long ago about a little kitten. This little kitten got out of the house and proceeded to get hit by a car. It was sad to see the kitten hurt and ailing but it was nursed back to health and wouldn't you know it that little kitten got out of the house again and got hit by another car. We aren't defeating on purpose. They are habits but it isn't as simple as making some proclamation that I will from this day forward never make another defeating choice again. It leave too little room for error and depression is fraught with many ups and downs, spills and falls. Ideally we need to be mindful of when our thoughts and moods shift and then take steps to try and reverse a downward spiral with the hope of turning the defeating habits around but it takes time and it is super important to be gentle with ourselves when we slip because we will. We are not perfect and may never have perfect feelings or behavior so I do think it important to try and be responsible for our responses to life but it is vitally important that we don't turn on ourselves when we fail. It is obviously not good to use depression as an excuse to never try to turn defeating behavior around but its ok to acknowledge that turning it around is especially difficult for someone who does have depression. Self blame is way worse in my opinion that blaming depression just try not to use depression as an excuse to not try to recover is my thought on it.
  5. Interesting screen name that could be revealing something but I am with WorkingHard. Simply having trouble sleeping and wanting to sleep doesn't necessarily constitute depression.
  6. Yes, those kinds of things would have sent me spiraling as well. I also feel quite invisible at times in my job with people I work with forgetting what I do and that I even exist. And what your wife said was insensitive and hurtful. I am with the others, if she isn't willing to try and understand the struggles you are under then seriously considering the relationship may be in order. She does not speak for all women, in fact she doesn't speak for many women so please do not take it to heart. The issue is with her and her alone and not you. You deserve to be treated better and it is good a part of you sees that this is the truth. Most of us here have been quite suicidal. It is a terribly dark place to find yourself. I highly recommend you read the book, Choosing To Live by Thomas E Ellis and Cory F Newman. It really helped me put into perspective my defeating thinking and see that there are other options. Depression is tough, it will have many ups and downs so please be gentle with yourself. If you have a therapist it might be good to connect with them at this time. I hope you feel better soon.
  7. I don't know that any of us can say for sure whether you have it but considering you found yourself here it may be telling you there is some issue going on that needs attention. For a lot of people depression is super quiet. I am the same as you. When with others you would think that all is great with my world but as they say still waters run deep. Inside my world can get pretty dark as well one symptom of depression is a disconnect with life which it sounds like is your biggest source of concern. I believe there are a few online tests you can try to see what level you may be at but in general what I have been trying to do is evaluate my thoughts and feelings. Trying to be aware of the inner dialogue I am using, turns out it is very defeating as well being mindful of when I feel my mood shift and paying attention to what is going on at the time. This has helped me to see where my triggers are and what kind of situations undermine my feelings of self worth. Your issues will be different so just try to become more self aware and you may be able to pick up on some patterns in your life that could be undermining your happiness. I also found reading to be super helpful so just search for books that speak to you and go from there. And finally just come here to talk it out. It helps to get perspectives from others who are going through similar struggles. In any event, the first step at any sort of recovery is to be willing to admit there may be a problem in the first place. The saying goes, you can't break out of prison until you first realize you are locked up. Welcome to the forum.
  8. This is your life and you need to follow what you feel is best for you. I have not used medication nor a therapist but I did not just wait for it to go away as your mother thinks will happen. It likely won't go away or won't go away in any meaningful way without doing something. And it will likely keep coming back haunting you your whole life so I do suggest trying to at least understand yourself and your patterns better if you can. I found journaling a good way to see where my thoughts were. This helped me to see what I was really saying to myself and I had a lot of self blame. Once I was clear on my language and triggers I took steps to try and be mindful when I was starting to crash and I try to reframe my language so as to not make the mood worse. It has helped me keep from crashing too deep and even sometimes turn it around. I have also been suicidal and found a really good book that helped me put my thinking into perspective. Even if you are not suicidal I highly recommend the book because it really seems to have a very objective way about depressive thinking. It helped me to put some of the pieces together. Choosing To Live by Thomas E Ellis and Cory F Newman. But just look around and see if there are any books that speak to you. I even did research online to understand depression better. The fact of the matter is a lot of people with depression have an issue with how their emotions are regulated. We basically feel things emotionally much stronger than others and they can spiral out of control. We may never be able to fully be free from strong emotions but Ideally if we can be a bit mindful of the language and inner dialogue we are using we can make great progress at keeping the dark moods away. In any event, just follow your heart. Depression doesn't mean you are doomed to a sad life. It just means those of us who have it have to take extra steps to keep it from taking over our life but it isn't an impossible feat. If you do anything at all just make sure you come here to talk out your troubles. Having a support system that gets it is extremely valuable. And give yourself some props for being mindful and aware that there may be an issue regardless what anyone else says. This is a really good indication of a very wise person. This will help you greatly as you tackle your depression.
  9. The fact that you cut yourself does not reflect a failure it reflects that you still have some unresolved pain is all. Your T is there to support you not judge you. If you sense they are judging you then you may want to find a new therapist. But the fact that you cut doesn't make you a bad person, it means you have not yet learned another way to cope with your pain but you will. If you keep at it, keep at trying to sort through your pain finding different healthier ways to cope then you may find one day that you never have the urge to cut. But until then remember life is a learning process not a proving thing. Try to evaluate what may have driven you to cutting and be gentle with yourself that you did. Depression has a lot of ups and downs. We get triggered and trip and fall but with each fall we are learning and growing past our depression even if it doesn't feel that way. Stay strong and do try to tell your T. They can't help you sort out your reasons for cutting if you don't discuss the issue with them. They are there to help you. Give them an opportunity to do just that. You are wounded and hurting figuratively and literally. Let them help you sort through that pain. Hang in there.
  10. I, like you, thought that there was no reason for me to be depressed. I had a good life with good people in it and a good job. By all accounts I should be happy and content with life but I struggled with depression my whole life until I crashed into severe depression about 4 years ago. It was only once I confronted my pain that I started to see where it was coming from and to my surprise I found out that some of it was related to simply being born with a brain that has difficulty regulating emotions but also that my upbringing did have something to do with it. I was not abused but my father was super critical of my loses and wins so I never was taught to celebrate myself and only how to be hyper critical of myself. As well he yelled a lot for us kids to be quiet. He didn't call us names or anything and he didn't hit us but being a sensitive person I was highly affected by the yelling and it made me a fearful anxious person. My brothers turned out fine but for me and my sensitive brain it affected me quite profoundly really doing a number on my self image. So try not to blame yourself for how you are feeling. There very well could be some brain issues but also some things in your upbringing that did undermine your self worth as well you may not have been taught good coping skills. I never was but realize that my parents don't have them either so how could they teach me. The important thing is to refrain from name calling and self blame. You may feel broken at this time but that doesn't mean you have to stay that way. We are never irreparably broken but we do have to take steps to uncover our defeated self sabotaging thinking and learn how to navigate a sensitive brain and learn coping skills with life. Journaling has helped me to sort my thoughts out as well I have done a bunch of reading and therapy is another way to go. And coming here has been a great help. The people here are very supportive. The truth is you are a very valuable worth while soul there is just some work to be done to get rid of the lies that cause you to question that. Hang in there. It will get better.
  11. If first off does not matter what others think as well they do not need to know if you are in therapy. The only ones that may need to know would be your parents if you are underage and need their help finding a therapist. This said, being mentally abused as a child can have a profound effect on our self image and throw us into depression. Who you are is formed during you early years and this pattern is not easy to break. It takes time and effort to break free from the lies we were fed. You sound like you have a lot of the symptoms of depression. It will most likely not just go away on its own. I was in denial about mine my whole life and finally had to face it so just take some time to consider counseling. It may help you sort out some of the pain from your childhood. And please do not let how other people treat you be a reflection of who you are. It is a reflection of who they are. But who you are is a wounded person at this time. You have been through a lot of betrayal by your family and friends. It is time you start to take care of you. Take care and do consider therapy or in the minimum see if you can find books online that speak to you to help you work through your pain. And come here often as well. People here are very supportive and kind. Stay strong and feel better soon.
  12. The things I try to do that help me is I journal to get the thoughts out and then try to see where the pain is so I can reframe it. I also try to be mindful of the language I am using and reframe any negative self talk. I fall into self blame a lot and have to try super hard to tell myself to stop it and then say nice things. Distracting yourself can sometimes help. For me I have a good ability to hide it from others so sometimes even when I am feeling super depressed if I go out with others it can sometimes lift my mood a bit. And finally I let myself have a good cry. When a crash happens and I can't stop it I allow myself to cry sometimes for hours but it helps release the pain and get me to a place where I can think more positively because you are right, sometimes we can't help ourselves but every time we are mindful of our response and work as best we can to change the pattern we take steps at learning how to cope better the next time. Mainly though the best thing you can do is trust your instincts. Let your instincts lead you to what will work best for you. I do hope you feel better soon.
  13. I am sorry to hear that your friends are not there for you. All my friends were like that growing up. I was always, always there for them as a shoulder to cry on but the few times I did need them they just were not there, could not be bothered so when high school came around I dropped them as friends. Realistically they were just people who do not have skills at being supportive. A lot of people just jump to relating things to their own troubles because they just don't know what else to say. I see that a lot as I get older. People wanting to compare life battle wounds so to speak. In any event I realized early on I couldn't rely on others but I also really couldn't blame them for not knowing how to be supportive but I could choose who I wanted in my life. We can't chose to turn our depression on or off and we can't make our friends be people we would like them to be but we can choose who we want in our life and by choosing to surround ourselves with supportive people we are choosing to take care of us. This did mean that I spent quite a few years going it alone but in the end I wound up finding some good people who are there for me as much as I am for them. But you do have to know in your heart that how you are treated by others is not a reflection of who you are. Your worth is not based on whether or not you have friends who support you. When it comes to depression most people have no clue how to be there for the other. Depression is quite scary to them. And even my best friend who is super supportive could not handle my depression so really make a very concerted effort to not allow yourself to look down on yourself if your friends are not supporting you. It isn't a reflection of you it is a reflection of them. And since I could not find as much support as I would have liked from the people in my life I have found coming here really helps a lot because everyone can relate. I am sorry to hear about you needing a hysterectomy. That's quite a big deal. I am here if you want to talk about it. I send you strength to get through it all. Hang in there.
  14. I don't pray in the classic sense. I am more spiritual than religious but I do speak to whomever is in charge and ask for help and guidance and then I try and pay attention for the answer. they usually finds their way to me. I found asking a question looking for insight and understanding gets me the best response then simply requesting for the pain to go away. I guess maybe it is a team effort. As much as I do believe in the golden rule Ask And You Shall Receive, we still have to do our part to work on ourselves. Nothing is being handed to me but if I ask questions that seem to point me towards healing and progress somehow my prayers do get answer. The information I need to help me find my way finds its way to me.
  15. It is first of all not stupid. Try to refrain from calling yourself names. That for sure will cause you to feel bad about yourself. It is a big problem of people who have low self worth with their depression. The good news is you can turn those thoughts around by being mindful of your inner dialogue. We are not doctors here so I do suggest that you confide in your parents and seek medical help to get diagnosed and into therapy. It is possible part of the problem is hormonal in nature but you do sound like me with maybe a bit of self blame going on. I thought i had the best life and yet I was still depressed and beat myself up about it. I engaged in a lot of negative self talk and working on my thinking, trying to see how I was responding to the world and what things triggered me helped me to see where my issues were coming from and I am now taking steps to try and turn my thinking around. My moods are starting to shift towards the positive. But it is important that you do not let this just go. Talk to your parents and possibly seek some help. I went a good part of my life avoiding my depression and it took a toll. It is worth trying to get on top of this early. Best of luck and welcome to the boards. Everyone is really nice and supportive if you ever want to talk and open up.
  16. Keep fighting back. Refuse to give into the thoughts and work on trying to uncover the thought processes that are undermining your well being. It takes time but it can be done. You have found a great place where you can talk and people will understand. None of this is easy. I would talk myself to sleep at night begging to be dead but it works itself out if you work at it. I hope you feel better soon.
  17. All my life, before I became severely depressed. I realize I had some form of depression all my life but denied it but couldn't anymore when I became severely depressed but even when in a happy phase I can get random urges to suicide for no reason just out of the blue. But now that I have become severely depressed I actually find myself kind of jealous of hearing about other people's deaths. I want it to be me. Now that I am getting to the root of my depression that is shifting a bit but thoughts of death are pretty common with depression.
  18. I can sometimes feel like maybe I am on here more than I should. I know it does sometimes get in the way of my job and I wind up staying late because of it but like the others have said, it is a very supportive environment and so if that is what helps us then so be it. I do my best to try and keep it all in perspective. There are a lot worse things we could be doing.
  19. The last thing you are is a joke. Secondly you have a medical condition that is not easy to just shake off or overcome. For some it is just a chemical imbalance in the brain but for others there is a need to do some cognitive work on how we view ourselves and our lives. It sounds a bit like you might fall into the category of self blame. Learning to be mindful of your inner dialogue will help you to break any toxic thinking patterns but sometimes the help of a therapist may help you uncover thinking patterns that undermine your well being. If you are not comfortable with therapy then search for some books and even just do some research online about depression to learn ways you can try and understand yourself and your illness better. I actually journal a lot, even the dark stuff to help me see clearly what I was thinking. I kind of scribble so no one can really make out what I wrote if they tried to read my journals. So finding a way to try and see where your thoughts are undermining our happiness may help you start to turn things around. I would also suggest that you connect with your gp about your bladder control issues. It could be a problem with a med you are taking or it could be an actual medical issues. Best to let a doctor sort that out for you. And finally just come here to talk it out has helped me greatly. To know you are not alone is great comfort so feel free to express yourself. The people here are really very supportive and kind. I hope that you are able to turn a corner with your depression soon. Stay strong and welcome to the boards.
  20. I don't know your situation or circumstances but the one thing I do know about life is the one constant is change. Things don't sound too great now but that doesn't mean they can't get better. If you want to open up here there are a lot of supportive people. I hope things turn around for you soon. Try to hang in there.
  21. We aren't doctors so we can't technically diagnose you but it sounds like you have some form of anhedonia. Your emotions are basically shut down as a coping mechanism. It is considered by some to be a sign of depression. As well feeling trapped, hopeless and unmotivated. I would suggest maybe trying some therapy to sort through your past trauma. And come here to talk as well. The people here are super supportive. Take care and welcome to the boards.
  22. As we age we lose melatonin which helps keep us asleep. You might want to ask your doctor if adding it as a supplement would help and not interfere with your meds. Me personally I try not to run from my dreams. I have used them as a way to try and understand what my subconscious is trying to tell me. The intense ones can wear on you for sure but I actually enjoy trying to sort out the dream puzzle but it did take some time to get proficient at it. What I find most helpful is keeping a journal handy to write them down as I wake and then looking at the biggest symbols first and working backwards. There is a good site that I think has pretty good dream symbolism if you are ever interested in trying to figure them out. Dreammoods.com This said, if you are just not into that kind of thing then see if taking some melatonin supplements helps you sleep better. I know what it is like to not get good sleep and it pretty much feels like torture.
  23. I have not used meds or a therapist for my depression but I did not just wait for things to get better. I did a lot and I mean a lot of soul searching to understand why I was feeling the way I was feeling. I spend every day, all day when I'm not engaged in a task working to sort it out though I felt I had no choice because I needed the pain to go away. I faced my inner demons and dark thoughts head on even though I was scared out of my pants but it was a necessary step to figure out why I wanted desperately to destroy myself. I did a lot of journalling, dream work and reading and research. It is a time consuming process with many layers and many ups and downs but with time I found the answers I need to help turn my depression around. I can't say I am fully recovered at this point because I still get triggered but I know my triggers now, I know my inner demons and know what i need to do to change the thought processes around that were keeping me in defeated thinking and I'm learning how to ride out my emotional meltdowns that kept me terrified to face it all. Each of us is depressed for our own reasons and so not all avenues will work for every individual. For some it may be only a chemical issue and medication is the only thing that will give them a chance at happiness but for others like me it was a combination of some emotional imbalance, fear of emotions because of it and some cognitive distortions that needed to change for me to learn how to feel good about myself and life. For you to fully understand your own you will need to take your therapy whether with someone or on your own seriously. Until then no one would fault you for using meds to function. It isn't a sign of weakness by any chance. I wish you luck finding your way to recovery.
  24. I am not a counselor but it seems to me almost impossible for you to not have ptsd after your childhood. You have been through a lot it is no wonder you are on guard. The thing of it is there isn't anything you need to do except be gentle with yourself and just keep walking. It doesn't have to and probably shouldn't be big leaping steps, just one small step after the other at a pace that you are comfortable with. You have been through a lot and it will take a lot to sort through it all. Is there someplace you can find to have a chance to let go and release? As i worked through my inner pain I did find it helpful to allow myself the opportunity to have a total meltdown in private. It really did help get the pain out. So maybe see if there is someplace you can find where you can just let go. Well I am glad you have found a counselor who is helping. That can be part of the battle just finding one that works. I send you much strength as you sort through it all. Hang in there.
  25. Music has played a very integral role in helping me overcome my depression. I actually get song lyrics pop into my head that have done wonders to keep me afloat when I was at my darkest. i used music to walk through the pain and lift my spirits. At times the angry music came out to release some of those kinds of emotions and at other times I was just too defeated to listen at all but music has definitely spoken to my soul and helped me work through my depression. I can honestly say I am not sure where I would be without it.
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