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Michelle38

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Everything posted by Michelle38

  1. I am sorry to hear you were diagnosed. Has your doctor talked about therapy and counseling? aside from the meds it is important to learn new ways to cope as well try to get to the root of the depression to turn around any thinking that is undermining your well being. It is a slow process with a lot of ups and downs. I find crying helps in my case to release the pain I feel. I also journal to get my thoughts out. With a family history of depression there likely is a chemical imbalance but your role models growing up may not have taught you healthy ways to cope with life. It is important to couple meds with some sort of counseling for the best results at reaching a recovery. Even just coming here to talk has been helpful. The people here are very supportive. I do hope you feel better soon. Welcome to the site.
  2. I know, I completely forgot how to work a zipper on my coat twice in one week. I have many more examples. Very disconcerting to feel so out of it you can't think. And also kind of a punch in the stomach when you finally stop and admit you have mental health issues. I denied them most of my life until a severe depression took hold and would not let go. I had to finally look at my life and see how emotionally troubled I had always been. It isn't easy but acknowledging it is a necessary step at recovery. Try not to label yourself as dumb. Your brain is just a bit shut down from the depression. It is common and not a reflection of your intelligence. Hang in there and feel better soon.
  3. Depression and anxiety can run in families so considering your mother has had issues it would not be out of the realm of possibility for you to as well. I would definitely confide in your parents. Tell them what you are feeling and that you are concerned. In the minimum I highly suggest you tell your parents about the shaking hands and ask them to see a doctor about it. There could be a medical issue that needs to be addressed. You are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to be perfect and that is an unattainable goal. it is important that you learn to stop the self blame. I am sure your parents are simply proud but expecting yourself to always be perfect is really not realistic. It is ok if you let go of putting this expectation on yourself. You can still be a great success without needing to be perfect. But do confide in your parents. I am sure they want nothing but the best for you and would want to know you are hurting. Welcome to the site and it's a good thing you are mindful enough to see that there may be a problem that needs addressing. I was good at hiding it all myself even to myself and it catches up with you so see it as a good thing that you want to get on top of it at your age. That shows a lot of wisdom and maturity. I wish you the best as you find your way towards recovery.
  4. What an incredibly hard life you have had with very challenging circumstances. I am amazed at how you have been able to pull yourself out of some very dark places. I know life isn't all that great for you but you should be pretty darn proud that you have survived and overcome so much. Stay strong and keep focusing on your dreams. You have what it takes to reach even higher. Have you considered working with a therapist to sort through some of the inner trauma? All you have overcome so far on your own is amazing I have to believe you can reach even higher. I hope you find this site as encouraging and supportive as I have. Take care.
  5. Yes, it is easy to fall back into depressive patterns especially when we get triggered. Tough part is noticing that we got triggered and understanding why. That takes a lot of mindfulness work. I had no clue but it turned out someone just telling me to be quiet could send me into total shutdown mode. There are other triggers but finding them has helped me to halt the downward spiral a bit though at times that isn't possible and I have to just try to keep encouraging myself until I feel better. None of this is easy by any means and it is a slow process so please do not dwell on any lost promises. It is encouraging you want to make them but depression is brutal and it is a challenge to get past, we all fall down while trying to recover. Try not to beat yourself up. You are doing the best you can under very difficult circumstances.
  6. Try not to fret over what other people say or how they perceive things. As JD stated if you haven't had depression you cannot fathom the depth of pain that goes along with it and that you can't just turn it on and off. People give advice based on their own perspective. It means nothing and is not a reflection of you or the level of difficulty in the depression battle. They simply do not understand so focus less on others and make yourself and your health your only priority.
  7. Did you see the therapist? How did it go? I kind of suspect the meds are a bit at play here as well this is very common for people with depression. Just keep working on the depression and your mind should come back but try to not beat yourself up about it if you can't get it to work properly right now. It really is a pretty common problem. I just try to do my best to not fret too much about it. It can feel like you are losing your mind but from what I have seen it never gets totally lost. it is a challenge for sure but try to not beat yourself up about it. Simply focus on depression recovery and the rest will follow. Hope your therapy went well and you are feeling better today.
  8. Do you know what you are thinking about when you start to get the feeling? Do you have a therapist and if so have you talked to them about it? I know for me I struggle getting to sleep because my mind races over everything that happened that day and what I have to do. I literally have to sing myself to sleep to shut off my brain. Kind of like you using the tv to distract your brain. So basically doing what you need to do to turn the rumination off is the idea. But once it starts, once the fear starts, maybe you can do some self soothing things like telling yourself you will be fine and doing some deep breathing to help release the panic. I even do this during the day, tell myself that it's OK, I will be OK. It helps to calm down the spiraling emotions. This said, I do think that you may need to get to the root of the thoughts and fears that are bringing this issue up so that you can be free from the panic for good.
  9. I would think any reputable doctor would see there is an underlying coping problem going on. Just because one source of stress is resolved doesn't change the fact that when stresses arise you have difficulty coping and in that regard need therapy to sort through and find better ways to cope. I am sure your doctor is aware of this being an issue for you. Best of luck sorting it all out.
  10. As well if you are ever at a place where you want to suicide please call a help line first. The one scrolling at the top of the screen is 1-800-273-TALK (8255). I am sorry you are hurting so badly. I was in severe depression and suicidal thoughts for 2 years and know how painful it can be. So please do seek out professional help to get help to sort this all out and don't hesitate to call the help line in a moment of crisis. I also highly recommend the book, Choosing To Live by Thomas E Ellis and Cory F Newman. It really helped me to start to look at my suicidal thoughts and urges from a new angle. You are in a very dark place right now but all hope isn't lost. It is great you found this place. There are many who understand your pain. Come here often if only to talk and get things out. I wish for you brighter days ahead. Hang on, it will get better.
  11. I know about difficult bosses. Mine is fairly aggressive in the way she speaks and puts a lot of people off. I have worked for her for 25 years so I have learned how to not let her get to me but it isn't easy. I think in your case you can see now that your boss isn't someone you can turn to for understanding but as a boss they do need to take into consideration your work load and abilities. If you sense you are moving too fast and are therefore making mistakes then there is possibly a need for you to slow down. With time once you know the process better you will speed up but until then do what you can and go at your own pace to get the job done. To be honest going a bit slower will help in the sense of not needing to redo work. That said, i know when I am under pressure to get things done it is natural to automatically rush but the worse thing you can do is get down on yourself about it. You are doing the best you can and that is all anyone can ask of you. Focus on your work and what you need to do, how you need to do it, to get it done the way you see fit and let your manager deal with the rest of it. During these times of high stress just try and do your best to take it one day and even one moment at a time. In the end things always get done. There isn't a need to have everything done right this minute. Just do your best to breath and go with the flow.
  12. I smoked for 25 years. It was extremely helpful to me when I struggled with stress and anxiety. It really was the only thing that kept me together. A doctor once noticed my anxiety and wanted to send me to counseling but instead of anxiety meds he wanted me to quit smoking and wanted to give me pills for that and I told him flat out I would not do it, it was the only thing keeping me sane. Smoking helped me decompress and take a time out to think and relax. That said, after 25 years it was taking a toll on my lungs and I had to quit. Luckily my circumstances shifted so the intensely stressful life eased up and I was in a good enough place to attempt quitting but I could not do it on my own. I tried but needed the meds chantix to do it. However, I highly caution anyone who is depressed about taking it. They do forewarn that it can make a person suicidal. From my experience I was in a very happy good place at the time I quit and as such while taking the meds I seemed even more happy and energetic so it seems to me that the med somehow elevates whatever mood a person is in. This means if a person is depressed it could make the depression worse. This said, had I not gotten past the the stressful phase I was in or been depressed like I am now I doubt I would have even attempt to quit smoking. It gave me comfort and helped me feel better. I am grateful for the small window of positive mental health so that I could quit because smoking was starting to impact my physical health but I understand how helpful the habit was to keeping me on an even keel when I was struggling emotionally. I am grateful that once I did crash into severe depression I did not go back to smoking. I thought about it on occasion and even had one cigarette but I guess being far enough away from the addiction i also knew the habit controlling me probably wasn't in my best interest for getting past my depression but if I was still a smoker when the severe depression hit I highly doubt I would attempt to quit. In any event, I enjoyed smoking when I did it. I liked it tremendously but it took a toll on my health and had to quit but I can't imagine it is an easy feat to accomplish if a person is struggling with their mental health.
  13. I am sorry you are hurting. I know how the things people say can cut deep. The thing is we have this internal self image that we aren't always aware until someone says something that triggers the inner pain. For me someone saying something as simple as shut up or be quiet would cause me to totally shut down and even turn on myself. I don't think there is an easy answer around this. Anger is a tough one to get past but the best way I have found is to try and just reframe what my mind is saying even if I have to be constant and persistent about staying on top of the negative dialogue. I tell my inner critic and even anger to stop often. Sometimes I try to replace the negative thoughts with positive ones but mostly, and especially in the case of anger, telling myself to stop the line of thinking helps it to lose strength and eventually my mind moves one. It sounds like you logically know that everyone makes mistakes and your boyfriend isn't necessarily all bad for saying one hurtful thing but try not to blame yourself for having difficulty getting past the hurt. Depression distorts our thinking and it takes a lot more effort for us to turn our negative and ruminating thoughts around but the less we engage them, the more we try and refuse to allow them a voice the less power the negative has over us. I think in general you may want to also try and address how what they said affected how you felt about yourself. Essentially we all have this self image but with depression it tends to be a negative one but the thing is it pretty much all based in lies so getting to the root of the lies can help us change our poor self image to one that is more worthy of who we truly are. That takes a lot of work but it isn't impossible. Anyways, at this point just try to do your best to redirect your hurt and anger and eventually your thoughts will shift. Take care and feel better soon.
  14. I would first of all take that you only self harmed in a minor way as a win. The truth is these kinds of behaviors don't just stop so you will have setbacks. That doesn't mean that the progress you have made so far is lost. As Vivian stated the worse thing you can do is beat yourself up about it. There are a lot of ups and downs to recovery so just take it from here and see what you can learn from the slip up. Sounds like you had some restraint at not going too far with it all which is a start at stopping the behavior all together. It is a long process but if you trust in it you will make your way. I wish I could just give you the answer to why you are depressed but the only way to really know is to discover your triggers yourself. Just try to be mindful when you feel your energy shift and contemplate what was going on that day as well what thoughts are you ruminating on. The more you can pinpoint what your triggers are the more you will be able to head off spiraling to a place of wanting to self harm. For me, people telling me something as simple as be quiet would cause me to go into total shutdown emotionally. It took a long time for me to notice that was it but I can clearly feel a pain in my heart and a sinking in my stomach now when it occurs. It turns out it is because my father use to yell all the time for us kids to be quiet. I feared him a bit because he always seemed angry though he never called us names or hit us but all the yelling to be quiet made me feel that anyone who says it to me must be mad at me so I shut down. The thing is I all but forgot he was like that because I mostly remember him being critical so I saw how his judgement of me taught me to be overly critical of myself to the point I fall into self blame but I didn't see the pain of how his yelling hurt me deeply too. So there is a pattern to why you get triggered and the more mindful you can get about what you are feeling in your body, the subtle shifts in relation to what is happening in the moment the more clues you will get to seeing what makes you tick and what triggers your sadness. So hang in there, sounds like you are making good progress so just keep walking and one day in the future you will be grateful you did.
  15. I definitely hear strength in a lot to what you said. And you can rebuild your life. It is no small feat to survive all you have. Definitely be proud of that and be super proud of staying sober despite all the mental health issues. You are right, if you haven't been there others can not comprehend how difficult and painful it all is. I applaud you for surviving and in situations like these that is huge.
  16. I am glad I could help. It is a comfort to know others are feeling exactly the way you do and struggle just as badly. Makes it feel less like it is just us. I spent a lot of my life trying to deny my mental health issues but once I was forced to face them I can see how valuable that step has been. Confronting my inner pain was the hardest thing I ever did. it was scary and I didn't think I would survive but we are much stronger than we think we are and given some time we will eventually prove it to ourselves. Anyways if journaling isn't your thing then it isn't your thing. There is no right or wrong way to treat depression, well suicide is probably the wrong way as well self medicating would likely get us into trouble, but in general if we are taking steps in a positive direction no matter what those steps are, even if it is simply having a conversation with others who can understand your pain that is a good thing. There are no rules when it comes to depression recovery. It is a matter of what works best for you but I will say I don't just use my journal to write all the dark stuff. I also use it to write out my understandings and wins, and the good stuff as well. I really don't even go back and read it much unless I want to find something I wrote but it more acts as a way for me to have a conversation with myself. Writing for me helps me to get my thoughts out in a more clear way then if they were to just sit swirling around in my head. But by all means go by what feels right to you and if it is causing you more pain than good then it may just not be something that is helpful for you. But yes, by all means stop here often to talk and get it all out. I am always here if you need to talk.
  17. Yes, I have felt extremely suicidal but had a good idea that it wouldn't happen. For one I couldn't handle the guilt of hurting my family and on some level I knew it would not fix the situation though it all made me quite angry if I am to be honest. Frustrated for sure. I would say there probably was some fear as well of the physical pain. Heck I was petrified of my emotional pain it would stand to reason I would be terrified of physical pain as well. But I still feared myself even despite it all but after a while I realized that I could have the urges but it didn't mean I would act on it and that kind of empowered me in a way. It helped me get past fearing myself. But crying and plain old flipping out during my private moments really did help get the pain out of my system. Even though I am no longer suicidal I still cry when I feel the pain and stress build up inside. It helps to release it and keep me from spiraling deeper.
  18. You aren’t childish or immature you are hurting. You view of yourself is skewed towards a pessimistic view where all you see is your faults. But the truth is you aren’t all bad, none of us are it just takes time to break the programing that has gone on with our self image. It definitely sounds like we are walking a very similar path. I recall very much feeling when I was younger that I was afraid of everything and everyone but I made a very determined effort to deny it so I could function. I had to, to be able to make it in the world but not confronting the self-blame did lead to a pretty big crash later in life but because of time constraints and other false ideas I as well hesitated to seek counseling. I have also kept this from most people in my life. It seems better to remain private about it so I can keep some form of stability in my life. But just because I didn’t go to a therapist doesn’t mean I sat around and did nothing. I read and researched a lot on depression and coping. I allowed myself to feel my pain. Fear of my feelings was a big stumbling block for me so once I could see I could survive them it was easier to confront the darkness I was carrying around. And one of the biggest things that helped me with that was to journal. I journaled and allowed all my thoughts and feelings to get out, even the super dark ones and after a while, probably a couple years of writing out my darkest fears and thoughts I found that after a rant about myself, if I sat for a while and just allowed my mind to go still I found myself starting to journal a counter argument to all my self loathing. The small little voice that was always blaming me for everything had some nice things to say as well. It was then that I was finally able to start to turn my self image around. But it doesn’t happen over night. You will stumble a lot and will spend a lot of time simply trying to stop the train from derailing but if you keep at it for as long as it takes things will start to turn around. So step one is to really just try and force yourself to stop the self blame after it starts. Sometimes you will be successful other times you may not but don’t ever give up and you will eventually see a shift. Also, if you need to cry then by all means cry. I find it helps release the fear, upset and dark emotions especially after a stressful day where my self confidence was challenged. If you can find yourself a place of privacy to do that I found it to be very helpful at keeping me from spiraling into a deep depression. And finally just keep walking. Like you when work challenges me I want to just run off and hide but we really are more capable than we give ourselves credit. Just remember to take your projects one day at a time, even just one step at a time. Try not to focus on outcomes or how you perform. Just tackle what is right in front of you and nothing more. You will get through this just never stop walking. Baby step by baby step if that is what it takes and you will see progress and your self image turn around. Because of life circumstances we have both developed unrealistically pessimistic views about our self but none of it is true but we do have to put the time and effort in to change that view around. It is hard difficult work but definitely something worthwhile because we are worthwhile, we just don’t know it yet, but we will. Stay strong.
  19. I would hazard to guess that if he used other examples of students still with him he was saying it was ok for you to keep going to him. The golden oath of doctors is to first do no harm. your doctor is aware of your anxiety about the situation and wants to work something out with you so you are properly taken care of. That to me sounds like he has your best interests at heart. Try not to over think it. Just go with what you feel is best for you.
  20. I think as a matter of self preservation doctors make it a point to try and not get too attached to their patients otherwise it might compromise their objectivity. This said, if you are comfortable with a doctor and they see no reason to end the relationship then there is no reason to on your end either. He basically was making a point that in a case of emergency you should not wait to see a doctor an hour away but on a general basis it is fine. Heck I drive an hour each day to work so it really isn't all that far by big cities standards. I would say go in and have a conversation with him and see where you land about it all. After all it is you who needs to feel the most comfortable. I really do think the doctor is trying to look out for your best interests.
  21. It's all lies. All the insults are simply lies that you have taken on as truth. I was raised by a very critical father who not only criticized my losses but also my wins. This caused me to develop the idea that I was nothing but a failure and could do nothing right. My parents also did not teach me good coping skills so when my emotions race out of control I struggle to contain them. All of this has conspired to cause a very low self image. It sounds like you are in self blame as well were not taught good coping skills but it doesn't mean you are doomed. Talk therapy could be very helpful for you to change your thoughts and responses to life around but if there is only one thing that you do that one thing must be to stop blaming yourself. To stop calling yourself names and to learn to be your own best friend. You are human and will make mistakes. No one is perfect and we will fail occasionally but the more you put yourself down the more you will struggle with making any steps in any direction. So step one is to first try and be mindful when you start to hear your inner dialogue criticizing yourself and then simply refuse to engage it any further. Tell yourself to stop the negative talk and remind yourself that you are doing the best you can. Keep reminding yourself until the negative thoughts and feelings lose their grip. With time relearning to reframe how you see yourself you will understand that you are way more capable then you give yourself credit and you will see that one day once you learn to be gentle and kind towards yourself that you are a worthwhile soul. Come here to talk often. The people are very supportive. And think about counseling. I really suspect that talking this out with someone may help you turn some of this around. I hope you feel better soon.
  22. I have spent my whole life terrified to make mistakes not because I actually made any really bad ones, just one that I regret, but because my father was so critical that I only learned to judge myself for my losses and my wins. This turned into a lot of self blame that eventually turned into an outright war against myself. I understand it must be hard to forgive yourself for your mistakes but you must try. It is true that we don't always make the best decisions with a depressive mind so be gentle with yourself. Let go of what is gone and just try to heal your inner pain so that you can move forward towards a healthier tomorrow. Above all else be kind with yourself. You are human and in the end the you were just trying to cope and get along and odds are you were never really taught good coping skills in your upbringing but you can now. But to do that you need to learn to be your own best friend. Stay strong. You can get through this.
  23. Separation from loved ones is never easy. Being with your mom makes you happy and for that to end feels like a little loss. Though I also question how the statement "Don't Screw This Up" made you feel? It is something that would have triggered me. You mom means well and just wants you to be happy but it seems like a loaded question for a depressed person. I know it would have kicked in my self blame. Do you recall what kind of internal dialogue you were having on the way home? Lots of alone time to think and ruminate as well. In any event, I have found crying helps me to clear some of the painful feelings. Even just stress built up through out the day I am finding a need to cry out at the end of the day so as not to crash into depression. Try to not beat yourself up. Be gentle. Depression has a lot of ups and downs. Try to spend tonight focusing on some positive things if you can. I hope you feel better soon.
  24. I am going to add another to my list. The Fray "Be Still"
  25. It is sometimes after the trauma has passed that the depression comes in. In general after a period of high anxiety a person is vulnerable to falling into depression. I have had 3 such periods in my life of high stress and fear. Not nearly as traumatizing and difficult as your situation of being falsely accused and facing jail but none the less after the stress and fear were gone, after the danger had passed I would always fall into a deep severe depression. I use to blame myself about it because quite frankly I thought i should feel good and grateful that the danger is passed but there I was in a suicidal way. But then I read that it is quite common for it to happen. You held yourself together quite well and handled the situation as you needed to. Now the trauma of being wrongly accused, betrayed and how it is affecting your life and job prospects is definitely something that would weigh on anyone. So good to hear you will be discussing this with your therapist. You have been though a lot of craziness. Glad to hear justice prevailed and you were vindicated. It sounds like by most accounts you are doing well but definitely talk with the therapist to work through the hurt.
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