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Everything posted by Michelle38

  1. I suspect a lot of people on here have it even if they have not been officially told they have it. There may be even more in the general public who never seek help. I actually just found out my doctor from a long time ago diagnosed me as having anhedonia and wanted me to seek counseling. He mentioned the counseling but not the anhedonia. I refused the counseling at the time because I didn't want there to be an issue. I was in denial. My whole life I have been able to be kind of happy but there was always a dead spot with random out of the blue urges to suicide and periods of being sad and feeling dead inside but I never sought help or took any of it seriously enough until I fell into a full on outright suicidal severe depression. Turns out periods of high anxiety were a big trigger for me to fall into depression. A cycle of being anxious and then being depressed. Self blame and feelings of failure also contributed. For each of us the reasons can be different which is why it can be hard to pin down in a general way. Anyways it is good you are taking a look at it. I hope you are able to make sense of yours and make a full recovery.
  2. Taking your life is definitely an option but it isn't the only option. Trouble is, it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Your life can change. it takes effort on your part but it can change but it won't get better if you opt out. I think it is imperative you speak to a professional about this. No one can make this decision for you and no one but you can convince you to stay. You have to find a reason to live and focusing on all that is wrong is not going to help you see the potential that is there inside you. Being suicidal is the most painful place you can find yourself but it can get better if you give yourself a chance. I do hope you change your mind and seek the counsel of a therapist. No one wants to see you in so much pain. I wish for you love and recovery.
  3. I guess I am not sure I understand what you are looking for. Do you want to join a cause? Maybe think about charity work type groups then. Greenpeace or something like that. Well I hope you find what you are looking for.
  4. Hmm, this is a tough one. You can't force people to be who they are not. That is just asking for heart break. You can set up boundaries for how you are treated by others but ultimately at some point we have to accept the way the people in our lives behave because the only thing you can control in a relationship is how you respond. If you are looking for people who have mutual interests and a supportive mindset maybe try and find some groups in your area that you can join. There is a site if you are in the states called meetup that has all sorts of groups with all sorts of areas. It is a great way to meet like minded people. But I do think first and foremost we need to let go of our expectations of people to behave how we need them to behave and simply learn how to deal with the the way they are. My father was a very critical man. He thought he was being helpful but all he did was make me feel bad about myself. I held that in until I reached a boiling point and I exploded on him. but in the aftermath I was able to let him go because I could clearly see that he was unable to change. I am sorry that you are not being treated well but I would also say be proud of the fact that you have enough self respect that you wish for things to be different. If you are not getting what you need from the current people in your life you may need to look elsewhere. Take care.
  5. I would say therapists are trial and error. Try one out and if it doesn't feel like a good fit try another. But also try to make sure you are totally open with the therapist. I understand keeping things to yourself when it comes to depression. I don't talk much about it to most of the people I know but your therapist can only help you if you are totally honest with them. You shouldn't feel like you would be judged by them. If you do move on because the only way to truly be open and honest with a therapist is if you feel they have your back no matter what. Depression can make us think and feel all sorts of negative things but that isn't truly a reflection of who we are. it is just the depression talking. Anyways, you sound like an open person which is really good in trying to recover from this so just take that openness with you when trying out therapists. It is after all your life you are talking about. You have a right to move on if one doesn't suit you. Best of luck.
  6. To me the dread I call despair. It is when the depression is at the severe level. It might be helpful to discuss this with a psychiatrist or therapist to learn new ways to cope. I do find crying it out helps release the pain a bit but I clearly needed to sort my head out to get the magnitude of it to ease up and not last as long. Best of luck getting this sorted out.
  7. Yes, I would agree with Adam. Go and see a therapist to talk this out. You can learn new coping skills to help you deal with stress and anxiety. Anger is an outlet for stress and anxiety and depression but learning to be mindful of how you are feeling and your triggers may help you gain some control over your responses to life. So definitely go and see a therapist who can help you sort this all out. Take care.
  8. Hey Tim, Try to walk through it and try not to think too much about next week. The more you ruminate the more you will send yourself into a panic about it. Some people quite frankly are not good at giving constructive criticism. I am sorry you were treated poorly by the one member from management but try to not take it personal. That is more their issue than yours. As you say you know the job well so focus on that not on what might never go wrong. Focus on what you know and build on that. And breath deep through this week. You will be just fine.
  9. You appear to have a lot of self blame. It is no wonder if you have a parent that calls you a loser. Quite frankly that is a hurtful untrue thing to say and if you have been treated like that your whole life then you very well have developed a low self image. I can't imagine the indoctrination of the military service helped. If anything I could see it making things worse so do not be hard on yourself for opting out of it. It likely was doing more to undermine your well being. But regardless it is important now to start making steps towards rebuilding your self image. You can do this with a therapist or find some good books to help you learn to be mindful of how you talk to yourself. It is important now for you to unlearn being your own worst enemy and start to learn to be your own best coach. And if anyone ever tells you that you are a loser tell them they are a loser for saying that to you in the first place. Well maybe you don't need to go that far but it is vitally important that you do not view yourself by their distorted filter. We all have strengths and weaknesses that doesn't make us unworthy just different. You have tremendous value to give to the world it is just not in the military and there is nothing wrong with that. You will find your niche but you need to first rebuild your self image. Than your talents will shine through. Take care and feel better soon.
  10. I am not a therapist mind you but it sounds like your upbringing has done a number on your self worth. My father was critical of my losses but also my wins so I never learned to celebrate myself, learn to be proud. I only saw myself as a failure. I really didn't notice how detrimental it all was to my well being until a life stressor caused me to fall into severe depression when I totally turned on myself. I have been slowly recovering by doing a lot of soul searching, writing in my journal to try and get my thoughts out as well think up solutions and I did a lot of reading. A really good book I recommend is Choosing To Live by Thomas E Ellis and Cory F Newman. It addresses people with suicidal thoughts but I think it is a good read to simply help a person get past defeated undermining thinking. The book really helped me put things into perspective. I might also suggest going on line and searching for your own book titles that speak to you. The fact of the matter is your self image is developed during your childhood and it sounds like you were treated poorly which could very well have caused you to have a low self image. You can turn it around with a lot of mindfulness work. It is slow and painful but recovery is possible. Best of luck getting past the depression and with your schooling. And come here often to talk. The people are very supportive.
  11. My lord, I am confounded by the lack of professionalism from some mental health professionals. Regardless of your diagnosis or outlook I would never give up on a patient. The truth is you and only you are responsible if you chose to opt out and I can kind of understand the doctor wanting to prepare your family though they should only do that with your permission. But that said, that is not grounds for giving up ever. So have you done any research on the cluster b traits? There is stuff online about it. Do you see yourself in any of it. If so then discuss with your therapist what you honestly see about yourself and ways you can work on it. Your therapist sounds like they are on your side but quite frankly I might consider changing psychiatrists. They basically only prescribe meds anyways so find one willing to look at all angles and who isn't willing to give up trying different med combinations to see if something will work. I don't think you would need to change your therapist if you did that. As much as mental health professionals are educated on mental health issues you can not teach someone what it feels like to be at that place of lost hope where the best options feels like opting out but just because things are bad now doesn't mean they can't get better. The psychiatrist should know that and that recovery is a slow process with a lot of ups and downs. And the fact that you keep coming back looking for help proves you are not giving up. So regardless what anyone else thinks don't give up on yourself. Keep going to your therapist. Maybe see if you can go more often. We can always make strides to change our thinking pattern. It takes time and effort so just work with your therapist to pinpoint the things that are undermining your well being and happiness and see what steps you can take to turn some of the thinking around. I wish you the best going forward. Just keep walking. Take care.
  12. Have you tried antacids? You might want to see a doctor to get your stomach checked out. You could have an ulcer and once treated your stomach aches may go away. Depression isn't easy. I spent a lot of my younger life stressed, anxious and fearful and what seemed like illness after illness. I came very close to having a nervous breakdown and it was a very difficult time but something happened in my brain and I snapped in a good way and became quite zen for almost 10 years but I never worked on my inner defeating dialogue and so when a life stressor came about I crashed into a very severe depression afterwards that was like hell on earth. As bad as the stress and anxiety period was the intense pain I felt in my heart with the depression was unbearable to the point I literally lost all hope. It was by far the worst place I could ever find myself but little by little I am finding my way back. By doing a lot of soul searching I have come to understand where my extremely low self image and self destructive thoughts were coming from and I am make good progress at turning my demeaning inner dialogue around. Can't say that I am yet past feeling defeated but things are much much better than the were before I took a good hard look at my thoughts and feelings towards myself. And the pain of depression has eased a bit so I would say really take some time to try and get to the root of your depression. As hard as it is to confront it, it really is important that we do just that if we ever hope to be truly liberated from depression for good. Awareness is a very important step towards recovery. Be truthful and honest about where your pain sits and you can turn it around. Stay strong. Recovery is possible.
  13. They say it is darkest just before the dawn. Starting therapy makes you vulnerable and as such you will resort to your go to negative coping skills until you fully learn new ones. Seems pretty normal to me.
  14. You have to live your life for you not based on someone else's values or rules. Those people will very well burn out one day. I spent a good 6 years working 4 days a week and I absolutely loved it. Felt like I was well rested and got things done. My house isn't nearly as clean as it was when I only worked 4 days a week. I would also say try to not put pressure on yourself to fill up that extra day with things so as to please others. You rattled off a lot of things it seems to me to compensate for the extra time. It is your time to do as you please. Quite frankly you need not feel guilty about it and you can tell your workaholic friends and family that they should sit down and rest every once in a while or they will wind up making themselves sick. It's too much and will take a toll on most people. I think what is most important here is that you recognize and work on the fact that what others say is influencing how you feel about yourself. Your value is not based on how many hours you work or how much money you make. Your value is based on you yourself and being your best self when you are present. That is what makes you special. And you have just as much right to stand up for that belief as the others are trying to force their workaholic beliefs on you. It is important you live for you or you will always feel bad about yourself. Tell yourself often that I will live by my rules and no one else's. Stay strong.
  15. I am sorry your trust was broken. I get it, they were asking you and then turned on you. It's hurtful. I had something a bit similar happen though not as drastic as what happened to you but I opened up to someone who approached me and then they all of a sudden became speechless and ran off. I was pretty hurt by it because they approached me, I didn't approach them. This said, you really don't know who you are talking with on the other end and odds are they are not trained professionals. I know there is a desire to find companionship online but it isn't the same as connecting with some IRL. I would say if you need to talk this out maybe try and find a qualified therapist. It sounds like you really need to focus on forgiving yourself. Regardless if you ever speak another word about it to another living soul please do work on self forgiveness. Maybe search for books on the subject that speak to you. We all make mistakes, some big some small but we are all just trying to figure it out. Self blame is only going to serve to keep you in a state of tearing yourself down which really quite frankly isn't giving you the benefit of the doubt to be able to grow past your past. So please do take some time to forgive yourself.
  16. This place so far has been safe for me. I can't say for certain because I haven't quite gotten there but I have gotten to the root of why I was depressed which had a lot to do with a low self image from my early upbringing as well not having good coping skills. Though I have read that some believe that it is a life long disease others disagree and think recovery is possible. As much as I tend towards the pessimistic side these days I have done a lot of soul searching through dream work and I keep getting dreams telling me that I will get past this to not give up hope. So I do think if we work really hard to try and find the source of the depression as opposed to just trying to feel better by any means then we have a shot at recovery. I fell into severe depression twice before this last time but pushed it away as fast as I could. This last time I could not and though the past 3 years have been the hardest of my life I already feel liberation from the depression to some degree. I still have to work a bit more on finding a healthier self image but I am light years away from when this started and see now where the pitfalls are so I can take precautions moving forward when I see triggers in the road. So though each of us is different and is has different root causes I firmly believe that recovery is possible but you can't run away from it. It has to be faced head on. It's not easy but it is possible.
  17. That is the main reason to be mindful. To stop the negative rumination in its tracks to help stop the spiral into numbness. It isn't easy to do and will take time to turn around but it is imperative that you stop the self blame and talk of doom as it is only serving to make you more depressed. If you want to make progress at recovery you just have to keep at it until things start to shift. When you hear the self blame and doubt creep in just tell yourself to stop. You don't have to do anything else but tell your brain to stop with the unhelpful thoughts. Keep telling yourself to stop for as long as necessary until the thoughts lose power. They will. The truth of the matter is we all make mistakes but most of them are not life altering, just more of a nuisance. Tearing yourself down over them is serving no one. All of us are just doing the best we can and that is all that is important. You aren't perfect but you are in reality not all bad or all mistakes either. It is important to turn that failure self image around so that you can fill your head and heart with some joy and not pain. I do encourage you to give it a try. Though I still slip up it really has helped me and now when I slip up it is much easier to turn the negative self talk around. If you are patient and persistent about it I promise you it will turn around.
  18. It is very possibly the meds. They can have all sorts of effects on the brain. I would speak to your doctor about your symptoms and worries. They may need to switch meds or change dosage. I personally don't know much about schizophrenia but in general the onset age for women tends to average around 25 though for women it could start even later. Having an aunt that has it does mean it runs in the family so it is something you should discuss with your doctor. I am sure there are tests they can perform to diagnose whether you have it or not. The point being if you do have it there are specific meds that you would need to be on to control the condition and they do a very good job at that from what I understand but the ones you are on my not be advisable if you did happen to have it. I have had all sorts of fears that I was losing my mind due to my depression but I can't say I ever thought I was becoming schizophrenic though I am much older than you so odds are very low but at this point I think it is important that this be evaluated by a professional given your family history if anything just to rule it out for your peace of mind. Take care.
  19. Minduflness has worked the best for me. I spent 2 years in full on suicidal thoughts and it wasn't until I started to look and listen to my inner dialogue and pay attention to my body to feel when shifts in mood happen that could help me pinpoint triggers did I start to feel like I had some control over my moods or at least start to feel like I might be able to achieve recovery. It takes a lot of work and paying attention to what thoughts and beliefs you hold that undermine your well being but it is worth the effort. But just to be gentle with yourself. It takes time to work through it all and there will be a lot of ups and downs but hopefully with diligence and patience you can find some peace with your thoughts. Hang in there and feel better soon. Coming here and finally being able to talk openly about what I was thinking and feeling has really been quite liberating. The people are very supportive.
  20. Oh my Chrissy, you are not a monster and are fit for society you just may not know how to cope well is all. You sound a lot like me and self blame is an extremely dark painful place to be. It is important that you be mindful of how you speak to and about yourself. None of us is perfect but none of us is all bad either. Defining yourself by your mistakes and flaws is not fair to you. You have a lot of beauty you just can't see right now. Please spend some time trying to pay attention to your inner dialogue and stop in your tracks when you start to degrade yourself, Even if you can't turn it around to something positive the first step is to try and not engage in tearing yourself down. We have to learn how to be our own best friends not our own worst enemies if we ever want to recover. I hope you feel better soon and know what it means to see you are not a monster. stay strong and hang in there.
  21. Depression feels like a hopeless never ending battle. Being mindful of my inner dialogue has helped me but it is a daily struggle and I have more dark days than light. Can I ask why you must stay in your job? Can you change jobs or companies? Sometimes when we are completely stuck in a rut if we change the circumstances we can feel a shift. Anyways, try to not let how others view depression to affect how you feel about yourself. Those of us who have it know you can't just turn it off. it doesn't work that way because if we could we would. It takes a lot of courage to stick it out so as not to hurt your loved ones. Those exact thoughts have crossed my mind as well, don't know if I would stay if they aren't around. I do hope I am recovered by the time that happens. Maybe just find some music or movies that can distract you enough to pull you through this low. I do hope you feel better soon. There are many here who can totally relate.
  22. Do you mean help for your depression or help in general for regular stuff?
  23. The idea is fake it until you make it but I completely agree it is impossible to be positive when you are depressed. For me it is a matter of just trying to stop the negative, not engage it so I don't make things worse. Kind of if you don't have anything nice to say about yourself don't say anything at all and even go so far as tell yourself to stop. Not beat yourself up, simply when the negative talk creeps in try to stop it in its tracks and refuse to engage with it. You are not flawed or worthless, quite the contrary but it takes a lot of reprogramming to change your mind about this. Working on it myself and know it isn't easy and a slip up a lot but things aren't quite as dark as they were before I started to be mindful of my inner dialogue. I am sorry your relationship ended but just because it ended by no means, means you aren't loveable, it is just this last guy wasn't meant to be. I send you hope and love and wishes that you feel better soon. Stay strong.
  24. I am sorry about that. Would have triggered me as well. It really isn't you. People can be insensitive. I actually swore off most friends because of the relationship being too one sided. I now only let people who I feel aren't all about themselves into my life. The others are just casual acquaintances. I am not sure where you live but I know in the states there is an online site called Meet Up that has all sorts of groups that gather in your area. If you are near a big city it might be worth checking out to find groups that have similar interests as you. Even if you are in another country I might check to see if something similar is around. It really is a good way to connect with like minded people. I found one for depression actually but never got the nerve to join but did join a few spiritual groups and it has been nice. Well hope you feel better soon.
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