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Everything posted by Michelle38

  1. When I was younger I was absolutely certain I was going to do great things. I wasn't sure what it was but I felt like I was destined for greatness. That didn't happen. I am facing a possible job loss and at my age it becomes quite difficult to find work. I'm not young but too young to retire so I feel a little lost and worried I will wind up penniless. But what I realized during my severe depression is that I had a very invalidating up bringing. This led to me having virtually no confidence and as such I really wasn't capable of going out and conquering the world. The fact I had a pretty good career for 20 years is actually a pretty good accomplishment. I guess my concern is that having a brother that committed suicide I wonder how your upbringing affected your confidence. I am currently trying to work on mine so that I can go out and take a chance at reinventing myself at my age. Take a look at yours and see if it is possibly what is holding you back. I don't know that it is or isn't but your story reminded me of me. In any event if you can focus on what you love and are passionate about you will more likely achieve the success you are looking for. Take care.
  2. Maybe you should be a lawyer. You would make a good one. I think the fact that you are concerned about this shows you have compassion. For me I was a know it all for a very long time. I admit it and got it from my father but many people online took what I said the wrong way when I was really honestly trying to be helpful. It doesn't always translate when you can't hear inflection or facial expression. But a good rule of thumb I found is that it isn't so much what you say but in how you say it. So I spend some time trying to think about how what I am saying it going to come off but in the end some people will, no matter what you do, find their way to being offended and at that point you just have to trust that you did not mean any harm, that you were only trying to help and as far as I can tell that seems to be all you want to do. Try not to fret about the rest. In any event, I haven't read every post you have made but I don't get arrogance from you if that is what you are concerned about. I generally get a person who has a good moral compass and who sincerely wants to be of help. Try not to get down on yourself. That won't help anyone. Take care.
  3. I am not abdicating for or against meds but I myself never took any because I have avoided getting diagnosed. A doctor was very suspicious once but I ran away from him and don't go to the doctor too often so it has been easy for me to avoid diagnosis but I probably should have seen someone when I was out of my mind crazy upset in emotional suicidal meltdown for 2 years straight and in pretty serious meltdown for another year but in all honestly I think being so exposed to the crazy strong emotions I eventually saw that they would not do me in. I was pretty terrified of them most of my life so I did a really good job suppressing them so much so I thought I had myself tied up in a nice little bow until a life stressor triggered a very severe depression. And then I flipped completely and totally on myself. But I also learned that I could tolerate and survive emotions and it was kind of empowering. I found out later that those who have stronger than normal emotions, exposure therapy to the things that set us off is a good way to learn how to manage them. I probably should have done it under the care of a doctor but I was really concerned about being put in the psych ward and losing my job which was really the only thing stable in my life. The hospital really was where I belonged but it was almost like it was some sort of survival strategy I just knew going into the hospital would have been detrimental to my surviving this. I could very well be wrong but luckily for me I made it through but I didn't do nothing. I first found myself picking up a journal and writing my heart out. I wrote every dark thought and feeling that came to me just to get it out. It really helped me to see where my thoughts were and I was quite surprised by some of them but I could no longer deny and had to be brutally honest with what I was truly feeling no matter how bad it all sounded if I was going to get past it. I also cried all the time. For me it really helped to release the pain. I still cry a lot but not all the time and I notice I generally cry when life is overwhelming me as a way to release the stress and anxiety. I also spent some time talking to some people online. Not on this site but another site and it helped me to work through some of my issues with people who were kind of neutral. I do dream work which for me has probably been one of the most helpful since it is my subconscious that is speaking to me through my dreams and finally I read. Not a super lot but enough to understand depression a little better and it helped me to put a lot of the pieces of the puzzle together and see how my brain that is wired for stronger than normal emotions along with an upbringing that was quite invalidating helped to create a person with very low self worth. And I also researched coping skills. I had no clue I really had only negative coping skills. I was never taught them by my parents though they were never taught them either but in general I was only engaging in ones that were dragging me down so I highly recommend researching them to see what things you can to do help you cope better especially when you find yourself crashing. The one I have found the most helpful is being mindful of my inner dialogue. Catching the defeating and demeaning talk in it tracks ad trying to reframe when I go dark. I can't say that I am able to stop myself from thinking negative but I am better able to keep from spiraling into the real dark suicidal place much better. So though I think you need to decide what you feel is best for you I don't think it is impossible to do this on your own. The fact that you are reaching out here is more than some ever do. There are a lot of statistics that state this illness goes undiagnosed in a lot of people and I think a lot don't ever even try to address it. So the fact you are trying to work on yourself gives you a better shot than those who are desperately trying to deny their issues. For some meds are a super big necessary help but for me I found that allowing myself to be exposed was the best way to gain some power over them. Not sure that would have happened had I been medicated but I am not by any means knocking those who do take them. I can't honestly say how I handled it was wise but I tried my very hardest to be responsible about my depression as best as I could while working through it on my own and I think I accomplished that so far. I even went so far as to tell very few people IRL not because I didn't want to so much clue them in but because I didn't want to deal with their baggage. I closed ranks in order to protect me. So just go by your own instincts on what feels right because what works for one doesn't work for all. The only thing your really must do is set recovery as a goal. How you achieve that goal is up to you. And its not like you can't decide later that you want meds after all. It is important simply to remain open as you try to find your way. Take care. Sending you strength and love.
  4. It's good to recognize when something is doing more harm than good. I hope you feel better soon and find your recovery one day.
  5. You are both perfect for each other don't you see, he has the same fear as you. I highly suspect you are fretting more over whether or not you are loveable than about your hairline. You picked up on the comment about the hair and see it as a judgment on you when it is just a body. You are way more than your body and how it looks. If someone doesn't love you because your hairline is receding or gone then they are not worthy of your love. You deserve much better than that. So put the camera down. Throw it out if you have to. You need to break the habit of looking at your hair and address how you feel about you. My boyfriend's hair is thinning and he didn't have thick hair to begin with and on top of that he doesn't have the nicest head but there is no way I would ever leave him if he winds up losing all of it. Love just doesn't work that way. Start focusing on your positive traits and put away the negative. You deserve love. Allow it into your life. Best of luck with the relationship.
  6. You do realize your brother isn't normal and will never be normal. To try to force the world to bend to your will that he be normal is not going to change a thing. He is not ever in any way going to change. Can you accept that? If you cannot why can you not. What is it about being embarrassed that is so life threatening to you? Why is it the end of the world? There is something behind the embarrassment that you need to uncover. Do you blame him for the breakup of your past relationship? Do you blame yourself for being embarrassed? Is it really that you want to die because you are embarrassed or because you are angry at yourself for being embarrassed? I think you should really spend some time exploring why you do not like yourself. I think if you can resolve that, see that you are human with normal human reactions maybe your issue with your brother will resolve itself. You need to love yourself and know you are loveable if you ever hope to feel worthy of love. So try not to stop at embarrassed. Go deeper and you will find your answers.
  7. I can completely relate to what you have said. I have exactly 3 people as well except I narrowed it down to 2 last week in a moment of crisis. Still trying to sort the crisis out and what it means for my future. I do not feel up to or capable of rising to the challenge before me. I am concerned that I will lose everything and will have nothing left to stay for. This said, I also acknowledge that I have made progress from where I was 3 and a half years ago when the severe depression took over so a part of me keeps walking. But had it not been for those 3 people, I would not be here. I guess if we still are then there is still opportunity to make a recovery even if it seems impossible. Sending you strength and courage. (((HUGS)))
  8. The reality is if we eat meat then we have in a sense done what you did except we did not hunt for our food. Someone else took care of the deed for us. I suspect that this guilt is coming from a very strong sense of right and wrong in the belief that m***** is never right. But the truth is, it is just the cycle of life. Animals hunt other animals to survive and they do not feel guilty over it. Humans are the only species that carries guilt. Hunting in general is not wrong but some of us just aren't cut out for it. You are a very kind caring compassionate person and hunting may not be right for you unless you can resolve the guilt. I honestly don't know if I could do it, though if I was super hungry I think I would surprise myself. In any event, take a look at your thoughts on how the death of another living thing by your hand affects you and you will have your answer whether or not you should hunt again. Especially if you cannot find peace about it. There is no right or wrong answer here, just what is right for you.
  9. I first of all applaud you for being brutally honest. If we ever hope to get past the issues that drag us down we first need to be honest. That was a brave thing for you to do. This said, If this is so effecting you to the point of becoming suicidal there is a great disconnect in how you view yourself. It seems as though you have been carrying this for a long time now, probably your whole life but it is time you separate who you are from who your brother is. He is not a reflection of you. He does not define you and you are not responsible for how he behaves. So what if he does those things, you are not his keeper and you cannot control how he behaves. You can only control how you respond. You are 21 now and your friends as well are 21. Views mature and you might be surprised that if you inform those close to you that your brother is autistic they may show more compassion towards him than you were expecting. Try to give people the benefit of the doubt, especially now that you are all maturing. I know it feels like a hopeless situation but you really have one of two choices, continue to carry this pain or let your brother go. He is not trying to hurt you on purpose and carrying a desire to suicide over it is not fair to you. It is time for you to let who your brother is go and work on your own self image which sounds like it is in need of some attention and healing. Can I ask were you always put second in the family after your brother's needs? Did you feel ignored or otherwise discounted because your brother needed so much attention?
  10. I have to imagine that the magnitude of pain that they feel is similar to the pain we endure with our depression. It kept me from going through with it as well. I wouldn't want to wish that kind of pain on anyone.
  11. If I am to be perfectly honest I am struggling with this myself. I am about to lose my job and I really have no long term goals. Nothing I want to do, nothing I am interested in and no drive to really put the effort in to reinvent myself or market myself for my current skills. Someone tried to advise me and said this is my opportunity to do what I wanted to do so I just need to figure out what that is.. Well I thought long and hard and there isn't anything I want. So how do you foster motivation when it isn't there. I kind of panicked about it last week when I found out because I know you need to have goals in the first place to have some direction to go in. So I will be interested to see if someone has some ideas. This said, I am not sure that having people like you is a goal. That is a more a need. A need that is unfortunately defining your self worth for you in a limiting way. Your self worth is not wrapped up in whether or not people like you. You will never be able to get everyone to like you. Some may even dislike you immensely. I worked in a bar for a number of years and people lose their inhibitions in the bar and I would get people who would just gush over me and others who were down right cruel in how mean they were to me telling me how much I disgusted them. It was very upsetting but you can't take it personal because anything anyone says, especially the negative, is born from their own baggage that has nothing to do with us. To truly be happy we need to be happy with us no matter what our life circumstances are. Who you are is never about how many people like you. Who you are is already special because we are each unique and beautiful in our own way. So maybe take some time to sort through and heal this need for outward affection and then some goals will just find their way to you.
  12. Are you on meds? If you are it may be part of the problem though for me I didn't cry much most of my life until I fell into severe depression and that was all I could do but I cannot even now turn it on at will. I would not force yourself into releasing that way if it isn't coming out that way. i would say try and do meditation and talk yourself through releasing and bringing light and love into your heart. As well spend time everyday just telling yourself you love yourself. I have low self esteem as well and was told to do this. I didn't at first until I was ready and then I just randomly found myself saying, I love you Michelle, every so often through out the day it just pops out. So crying isn't the only way to release and turn low self worth around. When it is time to cry you will.
  13. Just to be clear I am not talking about giving up on friends all together but just letting go of needing them for your happiness. You can be truly happy without them but I suspect you will grow into some as you start expanding yourself like you are now. By the way, distraction is actually a good coping skill for rumination. When you can't stop your thoughts from racing into negativity distract yourself to get off that thought train. So in that regard you are instinctually doing some of what you need to do to recover. I myself have to sometimes sing myself a lullaby to turn off my brain at night to get to sleep . It is a common problem with depressed people. Your father certainly did not help your self image making the statement that you are hopeless. I am sure he didn't really mean anything by it but it was a damaging statement for someone whose self image was already fragile because of your size. I like the idea of what the previous poster said about trying to work out a bit and body build and see if it helps. There is nothing wrong with working on your body so long as you are not putting your self worth in how your body looks. Just as much as you don't need friends to define you, you really don't need some type of perfect body to be like or special. Your body is just a vessel you use to move around in the world. They come in all shapes and sizes. They mean nothing when it comes to who you are as a person and you seem to be a very thoughtful kind person. That is who you are not your body. And as for people, sometimes they don't think. They aren't trying to be hurtful or exclusive on purpose they just don't always think but the fact they are inviting you to go eat sounds to me that they like you very much. Try not to put any kind of a spin on it and just let the friendship be a friendship. The truth is people will come in and out of our lives. I don't speak to anyone I went to any of the schools I went with beyond a christmas card. So let the connections you make with people run their natural course. You will find new people to connect with all the time. It really sounds like you are opening up more than you realize and doing some very positive things to overcome your issues. So give yourself some credit and by all means do come here to talk. This place has been an absolute god send for me to be able to talk about the deep feelings that others would just not understand. Take care.
  14. Well I can tell you my story but it may not play out the same for you. We are all different and our depressions act different which is probably why it takes so long to recover and why some people struggle their whole lives. For me my early life was more about fear and anxiety. I was moody and had some sort of dead spot all the time. Had a need to keep the world at arms length never really getting too involved in things and near my 20s started to notice random urges to suicide. These happened out of the blue at times when I was essentially happy so I just ignored them and wrote them off as just random. I did have a couple instances of severe depression but pushed them aside until I crashed and could not come out of it. For me it was an all encompassing emotional pain that felt like blackness. I turned on myself to the point I did not just openly wish to die I wanted to not exist in any form and to not be able to accomplish that was excruciatingly frustrating and painful. I found myself having complete total nuclear meltdowns where I was screaming at the universe, myself and God. And the emotional pain in my heart was so intense I would spend hours and hours crying just to get some little bit of relief. This went on every day for almost 2 years. I should have went to the hospital but was terrified to get locked up and lose my job so I rode it out. to some degree I came to find out that this was a sort of exposure therapy. For me I was so terrified of my emotions, fearful that they would be the end of me, that spending those 2 years in total emotional meltdown helped me to see that I could indeed survive them. They would not do me in. They were intensely painful and I wanted nothing more than to get away from them but I gained an appreciation that I can survive them which helped me to begin to gain some control over dealing with them. Learning new coping skills in how I react to life and treat myself. So then I spent some time trying to be mindful of my inner dialogue and how my body feels. I started to notice when my energy shifted and I started to see the things that trigger me to feel bad about myself. Can't say that it helped rid me of the triggers but I can now talk myself out of spiraling because of them. So though I am not totally sure you can keep from crashing what you do once the crash happens is important to keep things from getting worse. But it takes time to learn about yourself and your thought process and learn to sense your own energy but it is definitely worth it. For me my main issue is my relationship with myself. My father was critical of my loses and wins so I not only learned to be especially critical of myself but i never learned how to be proud. this caused me to develop low self worth and the feeling that i would be nothing but a failure. This said, relationships have never been a problem for me. So much so that I at one point really didn't care if I had any at all. But if I am going to give you one really important piece of advice. Friends are nice and we all need people to connect with but I caution you to think about why you are looking outside yourself for your happiness. Quite frankly, finding a friend is not a guarantee that you will all of a sudden be happy. You need to be happy for you because people are human and odds are everyone you meet will disappoint you in some way. Nobody's perfect so I think you may be setting yourself up for disappointment if you are pinning your happiness on finding perfect companionship. Having a friend does not define you. You are special just because of you and not who you associate with. I highly suggest rather than ask for a friend to make you happy ask what you can do to find inner happiness with yourself. That will be your true liberation. Best of luck with your test.
  15. I didn't notice in your second post that you mentioned therapy. I am glad to hear you are in it. I always kind of cringe when I hear people who's doctors just prescribe meds without counseling. the counseling is important if nothing else but to teach us how to find better coping skills than things like drinking to feel better. The one thing I have learned while researching depression is that for some people our brains are not wired the same as the rest. They are wired towards depression so it is important for us to pay attention to the defeating demeaning talk. I have no doubt that a lot of the population engages in it, it is just they aren't as affected by it as depressed people can get. Anyways, learning how to walk through and talk yourself up, not down will help you keep any depressive episode from spiraling too deep. I sometimes can't stop mine but the positive self talk helps me pull out of the episode faster. Well anyways, best of luck with the meds. Hope you feel better soon.
  16. Short of having committed a crime having thoughts do not constitute a criminal act. Most everyone has had questionable urges but an urge is far from an act as well looking online is far from an act as well. Most everyone has urges it is a matter if we can control them that matters. Most people have self control and most people also have fantasies that they won't necessarily play out in real life. Fantasies are an outlet for us and if you have one that you feel bothered by then speak to a therapist to help you understand where it might be coming from. Also dreams are not necessarily as straight forward as they may seem. There is a lot of symbolism that don't make the dream as cut and dry as being literal. Sex in all forms is not bad so long as it is consensual. If no crime was committed it sounds to me like you are placing some unnecessary guilt upon yourself. This could be programing from your upbringing or religious background but you may want to consult with a therapist who works under the doctor patient guidelines so that you can be free to speak your mind. I don't want to make any assumptions about where your guilt is rooted but if there is by any chance aggression is involved then it is most likely displaced anger that needs to be worked out. Again a therapist can help you sort it out. But from everything you have said it sounds like you may just get aroused by something you find inappropriate and if everything was consensual then I would not worry so much about any of it. There are all sorts of fetishes out there and they are not bad regardless if certain sects of people claim they are. I kind of suspect you are being hard on yourself about it but I do think you need to find a professional to discuss this with so you can be truly open about it all. The guilt is not something that is healthy for you and is likely unnecessary punishment you are putting on yourself. Try not to beat yourself up. None of us is perfect and all of us struggle with things in our lives. Take care.
  17. I personally didn't respond because I have no experience with meds but do want to ask if you are in therapy? Are you doing anything to get to the root of the depression to see if there are any defeating or demeaning self talk going on? I was amazed at how my upbringing affected my self image quite severely. I not only was criticized for my mistakes but also my wins so I never learned how to be proud of myself as well I only saw myself as a failure. This was very subtle and only really affected my life when I crashed into severe depression and things got infinitely more intense in how I treated myself. The problem is along with being criticized I was never taught good coping skills so when the going got rough I would turn on myself and resort to wishing for death as a way out. I wasn't really outwardly suicidal growing up, except for a few random sudden urges I mostly felt a dead spot inside and a desire to escape. I have come to learn that it really was tied into a wish to die as a way to cope with my bad feelings. So in my opinion meds are necessary to help people function but some sort of therapy, even if it is done on your own, needs to happen if we are to turn our defeating and demeaning self talk around. As well I have found that periods of stress and anxiety are precursors to falling into depression. I highly suspect there is a cycle of going back and forth we can get stuck in so learning new better healthier coping skills are a big help and getting on top of the situation before it spirals into severe depression. There are all sort of books and articles online that talk about good and bad coping skills. You may want to do some research for yourself, especially if you are finding the meds are not working as well as you had hoped. None of this is easy and it can be very painful but even if you don't get many replies on a particular thread that doesn't mean there aren't countless people on this site who have your back. You aren't alone. We understand how hard it all is. Stay strong and I hope you can find a med combination that works well for you. take care.
  18. Well alcohol is definitely not a good coping skill. I would say if your meds are not working as you would like then connect with your doctor and tell them so they can adjust your dosage, try different meds or add to them to see if it helps. Are you in therapy of any kind? it is important that you try and learn how to cope better with your stress and anxiety. Stress and anxiety are sometimes precursors to depression. I find that after a stressful day I have to spend time having a good cry to keep from getting depressed. The fact you feel on edge and cranky just means you are not getting the anxiety and fears out. Keeping them bottled up will only serve to grow them stronger so try to find an outlet for your anxiety. Talk to someone if only yourself. I have good long conversations with myself expressing all I feel and then sitting quietly and allowing my inner coach to talk sense into me. We all have an inner enemy and an inner coach. The best thing you can do is try to get in touch with your inner coach and journaling was the best way I found to connect with mine. Odds are you have some very old ingrain programing that may have been instilled in you as a child that needs to get sorted out. This can be done with the help of a counselor or simply journaling, finding good books that speak to you on depression and learning to be mindful of your thoughts and how your body feels trying to notice when you feel a shift in your mood to try and pinpoint triggers. Knowing your triggers can give you clues to where your defeated, demeaning self talk may lie. In any event know that you are not alone. There are many here who struggle the same as you but I do implore you to try and find better coping tools than using alcohol. it will only lead to trouble. Take care and I hope you find your road to recovery soon. Come here often. The people are super supportive.
  19. Sex is a very natural thing. Can you talk more about why you are struggling? Maybe there are others who can relate. Just know we are here for you. None of this is easy but just hang on and keep walking and things may sort themselves out. But please do open up. I have found everyone here to be super supportive.
  20. I have read your whole post and can relate to a lot of it. I never went to therapy or took meds and quite frankly did not do much about my depression until I crashed into a very severe depression and had to face myself. It's not easy but it did help me see where my defeating thoughts were. You say you are not suicidal but you have a wish to die. I have been that way most of my life and only became outwardly suicidal once I hit the severe depression so try not to downplay your desire to exit. You may not have the guts to go through with it, I myself do not want to hurt my family but wonder if they were not around if I would go but question if I have the guts to do it but I was kidding myself that the dead spot I felt wasn't a disconnect with life tied into my wish to die. Suppressing the feelings did not make it go away. I did spend a time searching for and finding happiness. Like you I also came to notice one day that I wasn't happy. Somehow I lost the ability to be happy and so I set out to find it again and I found it but because I didn't address my inner struggles the happiness did not last and the depression came back with a vengeance after a stressful life event. It is good you do not tolerate alcohol well because self medicating your issues is not going to solve the problem. Like I said, I never went to therapy but I also didn't do nothing. I am glad you wrote such a detailed letter about your life and struggle. If you really do not want to find someone to counsel you then continue to journal your thoughts and fears. it will help you eventually see where your thoughts need healing. You say you want someone to listen to you but when your one friend did notice you chose not to talk because you feared they would not respond with kindness. How would you know that unless you actually did open up. So it sounds like it isn't just that you don't have friends is it possibly you are keeping yourself shut out from friends by your own actions. Maybe you want to journal and ask yourself why you do not open up when you see an opportunity. Write out what you are feeling and let your mind write a response and see what unfolds. Also if you do not want to see a therapist I highly recommend trying to find some books that speak to you to help you sort out your thoughts. The fact that there is a history of alcoholism in your family may indicate that your family, though loving and kind, do not have good coping skills. We all have coping skills regardless if we realize it or not the problem is most with depression lack good coping skills. Alcohol is not a good coping skill. Looking for death to solve our problems is also not a good coping skill. It is an option but it isn't the only option and it is important that we look elsewhere than simply hoping to exit to fix our problems. Suppressing our emotions is also not a good coping skill. Good coping skills are learning to be mindful of your inner dialogue and turning it around when it gets defeated and demeaning. Paying attention to your body to notice when your feelings and moods shift so you can try and pinpoint your triggers so you can learn to stay on top of them when they happen. Letting your emotions have expression if only in the privacy of your own space so that what is hidden can be brought out to the open to be addressed and healed. Finding things to distract you when the train of thoughts is trying to derail you. Talking or journaling it out is very helpful as well to get to the deep down thoughts you may not even know that you have so if you do not feel comfortable talking to people in person about this, I can relate, very few people in my real world know the depth of emotional pain I have, but coming here has been a tremendous help. The people here are super supportive and can totally relate so come here often if nothing more than to get it out. And finally try to remind yourself often that this isn't hopeless. It is hard as can be but recovery and finding happiness again are possible but you have to set it as a goal then allow yourself to follow your gut towards what will help you get there. I do hope you had a good nights rest and are feeling a bit better. Now that you are here know that you are not alone in this anymore. Hang in there. It can get better.
  21. I like Epictetus' approach. I have never heard of that but it is a great way to look at being mindful and learning to be your own best coach when your brain wants to be your own worst enemy. I never made the correlation until my last crash into severe depression. I had 2 others but was able to get out of them pretty quickly. This last one lasted 3 years but the past 6 months I have been making a pretty good, I believe hopefully lasting recovery. if not, I have gained a lot of tools that can help me in a time of crisis. The biggest being mindful of my self talk and making a very concerted effort to turn around defeated and demeaning talk and encouraging myself when I get scared or upset. But being mindful isn't just about the self talk but also about paying attention to your body and how it feels making special note when you sense a shift in your energy and mood. This can help you pinpoint your triggers so you can hopefully being to stop them before they spiral into the severe state. The distractions you are doing are also helpful because it takes your mind off ruminating over your dark thoughts. If you haven't tried talk therapy you may want to try that as well as CBT to try and get to the root of any low self image and esteem issues. How you view yourself is super important in being a contributor to low mood. Your self image was basically developed as you were growing up so you may need to take some time to reprogram any negative thinking you picked up along the way. I also journal as a way to get my thoughts out and see what I am really thinking. I really was not fully conscious of all that was going on in my head until I started to write it all out. And finally, the biggest aha that I learned about my severe depressive episodes and the more run of the mill ones I had through my whole life is that stress and anxiety are often precursors to a depressive episode. They follow hand it hand so try to not just focus on the depression but also work on fear and anxiety to help. But most important follow your instincts on what you should do as you know what's best and what will work best for you. Coming here in general has helped me a lot be able to talk about things people who don't struggle with depression could understand. I hope you find the site as helpful as I have. Best of luck getting on top of your depression. I truly believe it is possible. Take care.
  22. Oh dear, I don't think he was trying to make you feel like a failure. It isn't personal it is just you do seem to have difficulty staying in a job even for a short while. I rather think you may want to look into disability until you can get your anxiety under control enough so that you can hold a job. You are clearly working on them and that is great but can you honestly say that you would not bolt within a day at this point? This has nothing to do with whether you are a good or bad person. Anxiety and depression are very debilitating illnesses. There is no shame in acknowledging that working is a real struggle. It is for most of us so do not beat yourself up. Simply focus on getting healthy. Are you in counseling and have you tried anxiety meds? I would say moving forward, when you are at a place where you truly feel like you can manage a job then rather than being a complete open book just state you left due to illness and you have gotten that worked out and you are confident you can handle the job. The worst thing you can do here is beat yourself up. It will only serve to make you feel worse. Yes we would all like the world to be totally compassionate and understanding but it just doesn't work that way but it isn't personal either. You and all of us on this forum know how hard you are working to recover and that is no small feat by any means. Just regroup and take a serious look at whether you should take a break from working and work on yourself or take a new approach to how you market yourself. It's not about lying but about not waving a flag over your head that you can't handle the job. If you truly feel you can the new job prospects don't need to know the full details of why you left the others. Illness is illness, they don't need to know anything more. That is my opinion on it at least. If it is any consolation I am very likely going to get phased out of the company I am with and I have no clue how to handle going out and finding new work. It's really daunting. None of this is easy. Take care. Hope you feel better soon.
  23. I guess my best advice is to try and learn stress management skills. Are you in therapy or take meds for anxiety? But I know stress and anxiety are difficult to get a handle on. I try to walk through mine as best I can but when things get out of control it can be hard to do that and I just try to hang on until things settle down. They usually do but the period of uncertainty is daunting. I am in a time now when it is very likely I will lose my job and I am starting to freak out a bit. I wish I had better advice but all I can say is try to do your best to talk yourself off the ledge when the anxiety starts to take over. It works for me sometimes and others I just have to find a safe place to melt down. I wish you the best and I am sure once you get more familiar with the job things will settle down.
  24. I second everything 20 years said. Your family just can't relate to what you are feeling but that does not invalidate how much pain you are in. It is really important that you do not use denial as a coping skill. Denial is a slippery slope. I did it for 30 years and found myself in a very severe depression for 3 full years. I also recommend rather than suppressing try and see if you can get counseling. Finding new ways to relate to yourself and cope with life can work wonders at helping you achieve a recovery. it is long hard work but necessary to be potentially truly free from depression. If you are already in therapy maybe see if your therapist can have a talk with you parents/family so they can better understand the great struggle you are confronted with. But regardless try and worry less about what your family thinks about you and start focusing on healing the hurt and pain inside. It is important you focus on you and your recovery. i wish you love, strength and recovery.
  25. Besides meds are you in therapy? Meds are not always the right solution but doing nothing isn't going to make things better and you likely will always be vulnerable to falling into depression unless you get to the root cause and find new ways to cope and respond to life. It is important you are truthful with your psychiatrist but if you are in the states basically their job is to diagnose and prescribe meds and recommend therapy but the truth is they can't help you fully unless you are fully honest with them. But maybe rather than a psychiatrist you may need a psychologist and therapy. But in the minimum I highly recommend therapy if you don't already go especially if you feel meds are making the situation worse for you. Take care and best of luck sorting it out.
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