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Everything posted by Michelle38

  1. I'm not religious either but very spiritual. I was raised with religion but questioned it at a young age because some of the beliefs seemed to contradict what they preached so when I was older I walked away from religion because it didn't fit my views. My views are like yours, from many sources. Interesting for me when I was around 7 or 8 I was contemplating religion and the thought came to me wondering if it mattered if we existed and would it matter if we didn't? The answer I came up with was that it would not matter because we would have no clue that we no longer existed so there would be nothing to contemplate we would just cease to exist. Little did I know that question would come back to haunt me in a very big way. I can go into more of my depression history if you are interested but suffice it to say I think that facing my suicidal self destructive self and learning self love is what my goal/lesson was for this life. It went so far as involving the idea of not wanting to exist in any form which on one level I knew wasn't possible so it was kind of a protective belief as you say. The truth is if our essence is eternal and will live on forever than anything that happens here really has no lasting impact on us. The problem is if we don't resolve it in this life we carry it with us into the next earth life. Not so much the afterlife but next physical life. For me I use dreams as a big part of my recovery. I also spend a lot of time communicating with my higher self. I usually refer to that part of me as my coach side. In general that is what our higher self is, our internal coach who knows all and can bring reason to our lives. But for whatever reason, because I somehow slipped into completely and totally losing my composure I compartmentalized my higher self into something outside of me and communicated with it like I was talking to a spirit guide. One of the things I do is ask questions before I go to bed and I have gotten some pretty interesting dreams as well I wake up a lot of times saying words and phrases that answer my questions for me. One day not long ago I was feeling really super low about myself to the point I truly felt like I could not handle being me anymore, I wanted no part of it and I woke the next morning with the second signature phrase I use below, "It's good to be me" I really had lost sight of that and my higher wanted me to start to believe that I do matter. In any event, I clearly see in my life all the trigger people and points that have helped lead me to this place of being suicidal. I was pretty outwardly out of my mind suicidal for 2 straight years all day long and it conspired to cause me to completely lose all hope at one point. It was after that bottom that I found a book (Your Soul's Plan by Robert Schwartz) that kind of caused my life to ripple into place. All those odd puzzle pieces and what seemed like some random experiences all formed a big picture that spelled out that surviving myself was my main goal. For a long time I fought it because that isn't who I was supposed to be, this isn't what my life was supposed to be about, I found my way out of depression at one point so I conquered it already. But the message I kept getting back was, You are on the right path and where you are supposed to be. I honestly could not understand how the unbearable pain was of value to anyone. But since then I have come to see that I have had some very counter productive thinking going on in how I view myself and for me I can clearly see that I have likely had a history of self destructing leading up to this life and a part of me came in this life at a very stuck point and I needed to jar those thoughts loose so I could finally progress past wanting to see my nonexistence and start to do something more productive with my energy. I honestly do not think I could have survived this without my spiritual side. The messages i have gotten through my dreams and while waking through song lyrics popping in my head have done wonders to keep me going though the truth is I have had a knowing that ending my physical life would not end my problems and it was a pretty frustrating place to find myself. I wanted nothing more than to tear myself apart and be done with it all but I somehow just knew I would still carry the pain so there was no point in running anymore. But that didn't make staying any easier but it did motivate me to search for my own personal answers that have helped me see where my pain was and why I may have been carrying it for so many lives. Interesting for you that you have so many people who have suicided or been close to it in your life. There is a message there just in the fact that it is in your face so much. Only you can say for sure what it is but there is a purpose for you to understand. Maybe just even understand something about suicide and being suicidal. They say it is hard to guide people unless you have experienced it yourself. So what do you think your lesson is this life? Do you believe in reincarnation? What has been the impact on you personally from all the suicides you have encountered? Were these all psych industry folks? Just curious because they say that the field has the highest level of suicide than any other profession. Regardless all these people suiciding on you has had to have a profound impact on you whether you realize it or not. I don't see how it can't and how it could very well just reinforce the idea that recovery is not possible. The one big thing about being spiritual is the idea that our world is shaped by our beliefs. If this is indeed true than it stands to reason that we need to be mindful of what beliefs we do hold. I was holding onto some very detrimental beliefs about myself but I was so good at hiding them I thought i had myself all put together in a nice little bow. This life was about blowing that neat little package apart and getting the destructive belief out in the open where they can be healed. So maybe just take some time to contemplate what your beliefs are and see if there is anything there that may be counter productive to you maintaining unconditional love for yourself. Maybe even simply some sort of limiting belief related to depression and suicide needs tending to. I was going to go into psychology myself, I think I mentioned before, but got a huge foreboding that the path would destroy me. A part of me ponders that one reason may have been that the field itself has a limited view of what is and isn't possible when it comes to depression and I needed to leave my beliefs open to all possibilities. Anyways, from a spiritual perspective, I suspect that there is something going on with you with your beliefs around depression and suicide though I am sure you have probably looked at it all pretty deeply already but I enjoy talking about spiritual things and don't have many people who I can talk to about it in relation to depression.
  2. I don't have any job suggestions except to say if dealing with the public is an issue then you may want to switch careers. Have you thought about focusing on an advance degree? I have found if I have set a goal for myself to find a better place it makes the bothersome situation more tolerable since it is only temporary. Quite frankly I don't know that you would ever get any sort of a fair paying job without some kind of degree so take some time to serious think about the long term. Even if you can only afford to do it a little at a time at least if you are walking towards your goal you will feel purpose and not so trapped by a deadend upsetting job. The only other thing I will say is the words people express have absolutely no bearing on who you are as a person unless you give what they say weight. They can't hurt you unless you allow it to hurt you. I know easier said than done and no one should ever touch you without your permission but just take some time to contemplate why they hurt you. What is it about what they are saying that is triggering bad feelings about yourself. You are special and beautiful no matter what anyone says to the contrary. What is it that causes you to question any of it. If you can confront and heal the hurt there then nothing anyone says will ever touch you. You will know it isn't true. Take care and best of luck finding a job you feel good about.
  3. For me its not kids but my parents. The thought of inflicting the pain I feel on them is unbearable but it feels very much like a horrible catch 22 where you can't live and yet you can't die and so you struggle to believe that maybe one day things will get better. I like the idea of doing some therapy with the kids so they can better understand your illness but if they are too young for that do your best to not take responsibility for how they feel. Kids are amazingly resilient and as they grow you can educate them on the illness. For now just focus on you and your healing. It is the best thing you can do for your kids and you. Take care and feel better soon.
  4. I am quite happy to hear you chose your health and well being over your wife. That was the best decision you could have made for yourself. None of what she says is true. It is only meant to keep you under her control. follow your instinct to stick with those who have your back. You deserve it to be supported. Take care.
  5. Regardless what your brain tries to tell you, you are worthy and worth way more than a job. You are not meant to punish or suffer to get what you want in life. You deserve the best but this kind of defeated limited thinking can take a long time to turn around. the first step is to make the choice to change your mind. Just focus on that, what do you want to decide for yourself and then take it from there. It won't happen over night but little step by little step will get you there eventually.
  6. I had a very clarifying thought the other day. It matters not what makes us suicidal it is the fact that we become suicidal that is the problem. It matters not that the reason may look to others to be trivial because the trigger isn't the problem, it is the fact that we resort to wanting to suicide as a solution to our problems and disappointments that is the problem. Being suicidal regardless of the reason is what needs healing because the cause is not the problem and odds are if we don't address the tendency to see suicide as our best solution there will likely be something else in our lives that may drive us to feeling the need again in the future. It isn't ridiculous that you put all your happiness in getting one particular job but it is very limiting and is causing you a lot of unnecessary pain. It is definitely disappointing and understandable that you would feel hurt by the rejection and upset at not getting the job but at some point it is important to learn to not define yourself by only one job. You are so much more than the job and happiness is really a state of mind that we chose. You think this job would make you happy, it is the only thing that will make you happy, when the reality is you have decided that this is true but in the end, if you got the job and it turned into a job you were obligated to do you may find you aren't as happy as you thought. Nothing in life is perfect, there is good and bad to everything so it really does come down to us choosing which parts to focus on, the good or the bad. Obviously if we focus on the bad in our lives and especially in ourselves we will wind up feeling horrible but if we can find our way to looking at the good, life can actually be joyful. In any event, rather than meds I think it would serve you better to talk through your idea that this one particular job is the only thing that will make you happy because it doesn't have to be. it is defining you in a negative way and is ripping apart your self worth which is so much more than that job. It doesn't mean you have to stop pursuing the job if it opens up again but it is imperative that you learn to stop defining yourself and your value and happiness by whether or not you have or ever get the job. It is robbing you of your joy and self esteem and that isn't fair. And as odd as this sounds, the more you let go of the job, the need for it and seeing it as a reflection of who you are, the more likely it will open up to you. Life has a funny way of pushing the things we are desperate about away. Letting go and allowing life to unfold for us the way it is meant to be will guide us to a happy fulfilling life maybe at that job we really want or maybe at some wholly other unexpected place and yet one that brings us great joy. So try not to limit yourself and your prospects. You are not the job, you are much more than that and the job doesn't have to define your happiness, you can chose that for yourself. Take care.
  7. Dreams are not meant to be hurtful though they can be painful. But they are your connection to your subconscious and a way for you to sort out your troubles. I personally look forward to dreaming, even the nightmares. They are clues that are helping me sort myself out. so maybe rather than look at the dreams as a threat have you thought about trying to work with them, take time to interpret them? Yes they may initially point to your fears and negative thoughts about yourself but they will also likely try to guide you to solutions and towards healthier thinking which includes forgiving yourself for your mistakes and learning to not be too hard on yourself. If you find you have a repetitive pattern in the dream it means you are stuck and or not getting the message the dream is trying to relay. Ultimately whether you take an active role or not the dreams are working with you on a subconscious level but I have found taking a conscious role with them helps me process the thoughts and issues much quicker. So try not to fear your dreams, they really are there to be helpful. I have found when I ask questions before I go to bed I get better dreams that seem to have deeper substance. In any event, if you really are too troubled by them then maybe ask before you go to sleep that you not remember your dreams when you wake up and see if it turns off your recollection of them so you can sleep more soundly. Take care.
  8. Quite frankly your mother is toxic and is likely a big source of your low self worth. Her words are hurtful, counter productive, and untrue. You must live for you and what will make you happy and let your family be responsible for their own thoughts and feelings. You are not responsible and are not to blame and are under no obligation to live based on their rules. You are making plans to get married. Use this as a way to break the ties with your family and start fresh living your life based on your own wishes and desires and things will fall into place for you. Take care.
  9. Yes, this is definitely not your fault or responsibility. It is your parents dysfunctional relationship that is to blame and it was wrong of your father to force you to make a choice. It is understandable you would be both upset and angry at them both. But it is not your fault any of this happened. I highly suggest you let your parents take care of themselves and you focus on the hurt this caused you. You can be healthy despite having 2 parents who are highly dysfunctional. Make yourself a priority and the rest will take care of itself.
  10. Glad to see you posting. It is going to be rough going but hang in there. Sounds like a really good program and one that will help you learn new coping skills and how to get away from toxic relationships. Stay strong and keep us posted.
  11. I have personally found the only way to get truly past it is to confront it. It is painful but necessary to see that it won't destroy you. It's just a memory or emotion or whatever it is that is haunting you and keeping you in pain. For me writing in my journal helps to get the feelings out as well having a good old cry and full out emotional breakdown in a safe private environment help me to release the intense pain that came with it. With time the pain loses its intensity and I found I gained some confidence in handling the dark stuff because it didn't destroy me. i don't like it and want out immediately but i see I can survive it now. Other things they say are to distract yourself with things you like and help you feel better. Watch a funny movie, read a good book, meditate to some beautiful music. Focus on other things and the pain should let go of its grip on you. Sending you love and strength and hope you feel better soon.
  12. For me the pain is centered in my heart and the only thing that helps is to cry and it does help relieve the pain a bit. I never really understood the term heartache but I do now. I also had no clue that emotions could actually physically hurt but boy can they. I embraced crying because it was the only thing I knew to do and they only thing that helped the pain ease up a bit. I would say I cried almost nonstop for 2 years, everyday at some point for another year and now closing in on the 4th year I am finding I have days where I don't need to cry. As you work to heal your thoughts feelings and emotions it will ease up but I try not to see it as a bad thing. When the severe depression first hit I was quite frankly terrified of all emotions and through it all I realized that they are just emotions and nothing that will end you. Releasing them can be helpful though I try to do that in privacy but it definitely is helpful to release. Take care and I hope you start to feel better soon.
  13. Oh dear, break ups are hard but you are not invisible it is just some people don't know how to maturely handle a break up and they think avoidance is the best way to go without giving the other party the benefit of the doubt that they can still be friends. I am sorry this is happening to you but please do not turn on yourself because of it. You made a choice to find love and that is never a poor choice. It did not turn out but that isn't all your fault, some people just turn out to not be compatible but if you don't date how would you know that. We can hear you, you are not alone. Have a good cry for the loss and I hope you feel better soon
  14. I had a very irritating day yesterday where things just were not going right and it made me angry. I have angry days and days where I am in total distress. For me part of it is desperately wanting control and not having it. I'm trying to learn to let go and let life as they say. It's not easy. This said, anger is a natural emotion and is healthy for us to set boundaries but when it takes over it's not fun and for me I can get kind of scared with how angry I can get but it eventually passes. I hope you are having a better day today.
  15. The one I really liked was Choosing To Live by Thomas E Ellis and Cory F Newman. It really helped turn my thinking around and I found it very compassionate in its approach.
  16. I understand, we don't have these kinds of pessimistic thinking on purpose. It is likely something that was taught us growing up by how we were treated by our family or even just our friends triggering our bad feelings for our self and unfortunately thoughts and beliefs can get so ingrained into who we are it is hard to break free from them. I don't have an unrealistic view of my looks but of my behavior and who I am in general. I can be pretty brutal on myself but I have worked hard these past couple of years to learn to be mindful of my inner dialogue. When I start to turn on myself calling myself names and being otherwise mean and demeaning I make a very pointed effort to tell myself to stop. Just stop the negative talk until the upset starts to fade and then once it does I try to give myself a little pep talk to give myself the benefit of the doubt. I have now moved onto starting to tell myself I love myself. And though I can't say I have a lot of self compassion just yet things are shifting. I am not out to destroy myself anymore and that is a step in the right direction. So maybe think about seeing a therapist to try to uncover your unrealistic beliefs about yourself or even just try and learn to be a bit mindful of your own inner dialogue. It isn't going to be easy to turn it off but this is one instance where we need to force our self to turn off the negative talk. I am sorry you don't have anyone in your life that supports you and tells you how beautiful you are but that doesn't mean you can't do it for yourself It's really important that you do. Take care.
  17. I honestly am not sure you would believe anyone if they said you were extremely beautiful. This is a belief and understanding that can only come from within because there will always be room to doubt what others are thinking. The truth is you are gorgeous but until you decide to change your mind about it you may always feel ugly in your eyes. Have you tried therapy? I would think some talk therapy with a licensed therapist might be able to help pinpoint where these unrealistic views of yourself are coming from. They can also give you tools to help you begin to rebulid yourself worth. You have a lot of potential but the only way you will tap into it is by learning to empower yourself instead of tearing yourself down. I hope that you can do that one day so you can see what the rest of us sees. A very beautiful lady. Take care.
  18. I would definitely suggest having a neutral party with you during any physical encounter especially if you feel your safety is in danger. As for how she treats you verbally it is vitally important that no matter what she says you do not take blame. She can blame you but you have to accept it and quite frankly if someone is being aggressive about the blame then I have serious doubts that their view on things is from a healthy perspective. And if their view is unhealthy what makes it superior to yours? It is really important that you learn to separate who you are from how others treat you and then your ex can not hurt you. There is an old proverb that I think applies. An enemy from the outside cannot hurt us if there is no enemy within. it is time for you to understand that you do not deserve to be treated poorly by anyone including yourself. Best of luck with the program and if you do need to see your ex please do it with a neutral party present. This will not only keep you safe from threats from them but will also help keep you grounded from getting triggered into turning on yourself. Take care and hope things turn around for you soon
  19. Even though it seems like no progress is being made those little baby steps are getting us closer to a recovery so we just need to keep walking. I know so much more about depression and myself than I did almost 4 years ago when this all came crashing in on me. I am light years away from where I was when I was young and living in constant fear and anxiety. So though when the darkness hits all I can think about is getting out of it i can clearly see that every step I have taken this life is a step towards eventual liberation. I am not sure when that is going to be but it definitely isn't happening in a snap but nothing that is every lasting ever is. So I just keep walking.
  20. I would suspect that depending on where you go, what hospital you go to you might get a little help, you might just get watched or you might get turned away. It seems that the hospital environment is for more immediate needs to keep you safe and past the suicidal danger period and then you are referred elsewhere for the treatment. If you are looking for more in depth therapy I might look into an inpatient program at a depression treatment facility. I would suspect it would not be cheap, not sure if it would be covered by insurance, but may be worth it to get the help you need to learn to cope with life. Research them well and look into their track record and find reviews before you commit to any of them. Best of luck.
  21. Well considering your struggle I think you already are in a better place. Sober 32 years is an accomplishment. You love what you do and you are taking care of animals. I don't think being rich or having a fancy house or even being able to retire is a reflection of your worth. Though you may have damaged relationships along the way, they are 2 way streets and if others can't forgive you quite frankly that is their issue, and current relationships can change or evolve. I am very spiritual and quite frankly believe your soul will see this life as a success not a failure. You overcame an incredibly difficult challenge. That was no small feat. I think you should be proud now but what is it that you think you need to feel good about yourself and your life?
  22. I not only get angry I can flip out into an irrational rage. It happens over seemingly nothing and feels like it is out of the blue but I have noticed that usually it is when I have been anxious for a while. I might not necessarily be anxious in that exact moment but holding things in can lead to me having an outburst. Sometimes it is a build and normal anger and sometimes I just snap. For a long time I was kind of afraid of myself and worried I would act on the anger but I have found that I do have some restraint. Not in what comes out of my mouth but in being physical which helps me see that maybe I can manage anger on some level and maybe at some point resolve the outbursts. But I read up on it and it does seem that anger is par for the course with depression. So try not to worry too much about it. When it happens just try to do your best to walk through it and rethink things to a more rational place if you can. But don't beat yourself up. I can attest it only makes the situation worse. It quite frankly is the biggest source of my getting suicidal which I am well aware is not the answer. I am not sure about treating it separately. I do suspect that if I can resolve my depression and stop turning on myself because of it then I will be in a more proactive state to deal with the reasons why I get angry and then again maybe it will resolve itself if I am able to make a recovery from the depression. So I don't really know if it needs to be treated separate but I guess for me the depression is a more pressing issue. If the anger is still there after it is gone then I will deal with it.
  23. Oh my that must have been horrific. I am sorry you are suffering so much. I know you don't remember the suicide attempt but how was your life prior? Obviously something prompted the attempt so I have to assume there were difficulties going on do you remember what your state of mind was in general? Have you been diagnosed with an illness that extends beyond just depression, something like bipolar or schizophrenia? Some of the irrational thinking may be tied to some illnesses that you may be able to manage well if you get on the right meds. I am sure your doctors are trying to work through that with you. As for the hospital nurses I would try to not worry so much about what you did in your incoherent state. Considering the circumstances I have to imagine that the nurses have been in such situations before. I remember a few times coming out of sedation angry and yelling because I was in pain. I was trying to get up after a surgery when I shouldn't and I was a lot more conscious than you but was just in so much pain I couldn't help myself but I could tell from what the nurses were saying that it was par for the course so please do not feel guilty. You had no clue and quite frankly no control over what you were doing so there is nothing to blame. I am sure the nurses are trained to deal with such things so try to not fret about that. You are hurting not bad. As well I have heard that people who have had brain injuries do sometimes have to relearn certain motor skills but with time and effort they can be regained so do not give up on the idea that you will get back to your art. I have to imagine that it is a good outlet for your troubles so maybe even make that a goal. Having something to work towards can help recovery tremendously. I wish I could say something that will help make coping with this easier for you but just know that we are here for you. We understand your pain and hope that one day you can get on top of it and find happiness again. I have found this place to be a really good site to express the things you can't really express to people who do not struggle with their mental health. None of this is easy but having someone who gets it can make you feel like you aren't so alone in your struggles. I assume that along with your intensive physical therapy you will also have some intensive psychological therapy as well but please do not hesitate to come and talk it out with us or just to vent. I know things seem pretty bleak right now but just do your best to keep walking. Things can get better. My thoughts are with you. Sending you love and strength.
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