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Everything posted by Michelle38

  1. When people can't relate it is hard for them to rally behind something. Depression is fearful for a lot of people as well mainly because they don't understand it. I do know when famous people struggle with it, it does get national attention but it usually fades as does all things in the media no matter what the cause. I would say rather than worry about why others don't care, care for yourself and work on understand the root of your particular depression. Each of us gets there from a different place and so the journey towards recovery is different for each of us. There is help out there. Are you seeing a professional? Have you tried meds? If you are not doing either then consider them or at least consider trying to find some self help books on the subject to sort it out on your own. There are countless books out there on the subject so someone does care but the main thing is you have to care for yourself. Care enough for your well being that you take steps to heal your hurt. Best of luck and I do hope you feel better one day.
  2. Well that is indeed hurtful to shut you out like that. I read somewhere that it can affect a person pretty adversely when we choose to shut them out so it is understandable it would be upsetting. But I would spend some time looking a bit deeper at this behavior of becoming chaotic when not in a relationship. What exactly happens, what are your thoughts, do you feel something like fear or dread? You don't have to post any of this here. Maybe write in a journal so you can see it in black and white what is happening with your thoughts and feelings and it may reveal some thoughts and behaviors that are sabotaging your relationships. It can take a while to uncover this stuff so be patient and above all be gentle with yourself. More than likely what is running through your head are mistruths that simply need to be turned around but it takes time to work through it all. If you can get hold of professional help to sort it out it may go quicker but most importantly take the time to learn about yourself a bit more and you may find your way out of this mindset where you become too dependent on others for your happiness. Best of luck and remember to be kind to yourself. Take care.
  3. You do indeed sound like you have a dilemma and conflict going on inside on what to do. You mention that you had tried medication before for your depression? Which have you tried, for how long, and how did you get it? Quite honestly there is no way you will get a prescription without talking to a doctor. Sometimes you can just go to your regular doctor and they can help you manage your moods but talking to a therapist may be able to help you. Quite frankly your thoughts seem to indicate that you have a low self image and opinion of yourself. That in and of itself can lead to depression and suicidal thoughts. You also openly admit that you have a problem with ruminating thoughts. A therapist can give you tips and tools to learn how to break the pattern of ruminating over all that is wrong with yourself and your life so that you can turn your self image around and begin to see the value you do indeed have. You have it, it is just clouded over with the idea that you are worthless, which is totally untrue. If you are not comfortable talking with a doctor then maybe try to do some research on your own. Research depression to understand what it is about. Look up cognitive distortions and coping strategies. I was amazed when I looked them up and saw that I engaged in almost all the cognitive distortions and leaned towards mostly negative coping strategies. Seeing all of it helped me to see where I was tripping myself up making the situation worse and learning to be mindful has given me the chance to try and stop any rumination in its tracks. It is hard to break the habit of putting yourself down especially when something in your life triggers you to feel bad about yourself but the more you get mindful about how you are feeling and when your inner dialogue shifts into negative thoughts the easier it will be to stop the negative thought train from running away from you towards suicidal ideation. When I was younger I was plagued more with fear and anxiety then depression but I had random out of the blue urges to suicide without cause even at times when I was out having fun. These were red flags of something more serious going on but I ignored them not because I didn't see an issue, I felt apathy towards life but I didn't want to be labelled depressed and felt I had a pretty good handle on life. For the most part I was happy but I felt unstable I just would not admit it and by not confronting the issue when I was younger I wound up crashing into a severe depression I could not get out of after a major life crisis and then the random easier to deal with suicidal thoughts became an outward obsession that I have had to fight to survive so try to not take your situation too lightly. Even if you don't feel depressed you have a clear problem if at any point for any reason you feel suicidal. So even if you don't feel comfortable talking with a doctor at this point try to help yourself with the research and even buying some books you feel drawn to on depression, anxiety suicidal thoughts and being mindful. It will at least get you pointed towards a solution as opposed blindly walking towards things getting worse for you. I wish you the best as you try to sort this out. It's a lot of hard work sorting it out but your life and happiness make it worth it. Take care.
  4. When things get to this point it can seem impossible to shake it loose. I recently lost my job and lack motivation to set any goals because there really isn't anything I want to do. Partly because I lack confidence and self esteem due to my upbringing. But though I am not workings and can't sort out which way to go I do try to keep somewhat busy. I have been doing some cleaning around the house that I never get to when working full time. Cleaning out the closets can be very cathartic. I also take long walks in the woods. I find it a very peaceful way to have time to myself with my thoughts. Thoughts, in and of themselves, are my biggest downfall. I tend to ruminate and I have to watch my inner dialogue so I don't spiral into a dark space. In your therapy have you tried mindfulness to try to get to the root of any thinking that is holding you back? I am not in recovery because I still have anhendonia and lack motivation but I am aware now where my problems lie, self blame, fear of emotions and an upbringing that was critical and invalidating and things are moving in a positive direction and have improved from where they were a couple of years ago. So I am working to heal and release the hurt and ideas that cause low self worth in the hopes to one day find my way out of depression. I understand that depression can come with some brain chemistry issues but I do think a lot of people have cognitive issues going on as well and getting to the root of the thoughts that undermine our well being can do wonders to get us pointed in the right direction for recovery. So even if you can't afford therapy still try to spend some time soul searching and even writing in a journal to let your thoughts out to see where they live. Do some research on cognitive distortions and coping strategies. I was amazed at how much my thinking is distorted and how I tend more towards negative coping strategies than positive. It takes a lot of work and self honesty to uncover the lies we feed ourselves that keep us from happiness but it isn't impossible to turn things around. I know things seem bleak now but there is hope. Just never stop searching. Take care and stay strong.
  5. Well of course you are getting angry. You are going to be abandoned yet again by someone you thought cared. He very likely does care and is trapped in a no choice situation based on the rules of your mental health system but you getting angry at him seems perfectly logical to me considering all you have been through. Do not beat yourself up over it. All it shows is that you still need to do some work on making peace with feelings of abandonment. It's very traumatic to be in a position where you are left to fend for yourself at such a young age and going it alone as an adult is pretty scary too. I would encourage you to discuss your anger with your therapist so you can separate who you are from the experience of people leaving your life. People are going to come and go, even ones we care about, but none of it is a reflection of you and your worth. You had pretty crappy parents to be honest who likely have their own personal demons to treat you the way they did but that is on them and was never a reflection of who you are. You did not deserve that kind of treatment. So please do not turn on yourself. You have fear and hurt that are at the root of the anger. But you can learn coping skills so that you can know in your heart you are a worthwhile human being no matter how many or how few people are in your life and see that you can indeed handle life on your own. I would say discuss the anger and feelings of abandonment you still hold and work on a game plan to move forward without this particular therapist in your life. It is scary now but you have been through a lot and survived and will take all you have learned from them with you. When you start to feel panicked just breath and remind yourself that in this moment you are OK and in future moments you can be OK too. Hang in there. You will get through this.
  6. Being a busy working mom I can imagine you don't get much free time in the first place so I don't blame you for wanting to sit on the couch and veg. You do need some time for you to keep your sanity even if that is staying up late to get some me time in front of the tv. The worst thing you can do is beat yourself up about it. You are not a bad person for being over weight. You are not a bad person for having some unhealthy habits. You are just someone who is trying to keep your head above water the best way you know how. I never had kids and I honestly can't comprehend how working mothers do it. It has to be overwhelming. So do not beat yourself up. Be proud of what you are doing but also give yourself a break and know that no one can be superwoman. Changing habits is hard. What I found best was to take it in slow steps. Ideally, even if you can't find time to exercise, you will still want to try and improve your diet. But rather than do it all at once change one thing at a time. Whatever you have for breakfast, swap out one unhealthy thing for one healthy item. Do that for a while and then when you are use to it change one more thing until you have a healthy breakfast. Then do the same thing for lunch and then for dinner. Odds are more in your favor for keeping a healthier diet if you don't try to do it all at once which can be too big of a shock on your system where it will want to crave the foods it is use to. And then spend some time trying to learn to be a bit more mindful of your inner dialogue. It sounds like self blame may be a tripping point for you. It is for me and the best way I have found to conquer it is to learn to pay attention to how I am feeling and when I feel a shift or feel something in my life triggered me to feel bad I try to pay attention to my thoughts and stop any self derogatory talk in their tracks. I tell myself to stop for as long as I have to, to get to the negative thought train to derail. Then I try to give myself a pep talk or if that isn't possible just remind myself that I am OK and things will be OK. If I don't my mood spirals into dark places but it really does seem to help. From how you are talking here I think it can help you too. We are here if you need to talk. Stay strong.
  7. I've experienced all but 3 in the first list. The second I did chose mania but not extreme just super high energy where I talked a mile a minute but not where I was delusional.
  8. Just never give up on the idea that things can get better. I never went for professional help because I was worried about the stigma following me but I didn't sit around. I did research and bought a lot of books, wrote in my journal and did a lot of mindfulness on my own. It may have gone quicker and more smoothly with professional help but it isn't like you don't have it in you to turn this around. Look for books that speak to you about the issues inside that are most concerning, anxiety comes to mind but you know you best. It is hard to turn thoughts around after as long as you have lived but it isn't impossible. It just takes time to sort through all the layers but you can do it. And though this isn't as good as having a friend in person it does help to come here and bounce things off of others. Someone is always around to talk. But mostly learn to talk to yourself in a positive empowering way and you might start to feel a shift inside. You can do it.
  9. Did anything happen today? How were your thoughts? Did you see yourself start to question the good feeling at all? What was your inner dialogue?
  10. Ok, first off, see a doctor and get treated for the std. If it is hpv related that is incredibly common so try to not fret about it. It is easier for guys to get cleared up then women. Obviously refrain from sex for the time being but get it taken care of. Secondly, I am a bit confused how this one job is the only job prospect that is open to you. Being an engineer with 4 degrees and a masters I have to believe there is a job that you would be fit for at least in the private sector where there would be less of a background check. Is the drug use on an arrest record? If not I would probably keep my mouth shut about it since it is in your past. As well instead of waiting for the review to be complete do some research on an alternate plan. Maybe doing that will help get feel a little less fretful over whether or not the first job comes through. I am sorry to hear about your mother's mental health issues. Unfortunately they can run in families. Not sure if it is biological or learned coping responses. I know my father has anxiety and ocd and his mother and father had issues that was passed down to me but ultimately for me it turned out that there was a lot of self blame blocking my happiness. How much therapy have you done to try and uncover any undermining or defeating dialogue. You definitely have a pessimistic outlook. I would say rather than spend your time planning out how to escape why not spend some time planning out how to turn your thoughts around from defeat to empowerment. At this point your dialogue makes you sound like your own worst enemy. You have a very low self image. Ideally you want to turn this around so that you become your own best coach and friend. You can't change your past. You can learn from it and you very well will make more mistakes in the future but your mistakes don't define you. I know it is a struggle when you are so use to thinking about yourself in a derogatory way but with some diligent work at being mindful about how you talk to and about yourself you can turn this around. I am and I was in over my head with self blame. I do hope that you get the job but I hope more for you that you are able to find your way to depression recovery. Hang in there. Things can get better.
  11. Yes, I did the same thing, worked late usually which also had some to do with work ethic. We sound cut from the same cloth that is for sure. Isolating myself is something I do as well. I have always been one to keep to myself, sit on the sidelines too. It's easier to protect yourself that way. For me getting past it was a process. A process of learning that others can have an opinion but it doesn't mean I have to agree. That others can believe and treat me like I am doing something wrong but I don't have to agree. And learning to not being afraid to ask questions. My boss would get me defensive, sometimes really upset, but I made it a point of never confronting her when I was angry. I would wait until the next day and have a conversation trying to understand her motives. We had a very small department and maybe because we were both women it was easier to have a heart to heart with her. She on one had wanted us to all be a team but on the other just did not know how to be a manager without being a dictator and wanting absolute control. Though if you are not in a position or have enough of a history with your boss to have a heart to heart then it really comes down to simply working on your own inner worth. The bottom line is you likely will not be able to stop yourself from feeling attacked and getting defensive towards your boss until you separate from them. You or they will have to leave but ideally if you can start to pay attention to the thoughts that come into your head after the encounter you may be able to begin to turn around the internal effect they are having on your self image. After an encounter stop and ask yourself how do you feel? What exactly are you feeling, stupid, incompetent, a failure, etc? Try to pinpoint the feeling and any internal dialogue that happens. Then once you see it, it becomes a matter of making the decision that none of it is true, it is all a lie being pushed on you by someone who has their own worth issues. it is incredibly easy to find yourself at a place of feeling bad about yourself after being exposed to people who treat you harshly and as though you only do things wrong. But how you are treated and believing it are separate issues. If you are taking the upset with you through out the day and beyond then it is likely how that the person is treating you is affecting how you feel about yourself. That is what you need to focus on and then when they do behave badly towards you, you will likely still get defensive because it is natural for that to happen, but you will not lose your sense of inner peace because you know that nothing they do or say can change how you feel about yourself. So separate the encounter from being personal towards you. It's them not you. That way you don't have to stop caring about your job and work which could lead you to being apathetic about work in general but rather you start to take an I don't care attitude about how your boss behaves. He will continue to act negatively but it won't define your mood for the long run.
  12. Your fatal flaw sounds very similar to mine. I had a father who not only criticized my losses but also my wins. He was well meaning and thought he was trying to guide us in the best way but all he really did was create a person who only saw her flaws, who had to pick apart everything she did and quite expected there to be something wrong no matter what. Essentially he created someone with a failure complex. Someone who inside never felt good enough. That was bad enough but I then happened to wind up working for someone similar who not only criticized like my dad but was also pretty harsh with everything that came out of her mouth. It wasn't easy to work for her but I get what you are saying about trying to find a new job but quite frankly if you do not confront this you will likely always have this issue with others you come across so ideally it isn't so much about finding a new job but figuring out how to deal with them and understanding how they are treating you is affecting your self view. Work on your self image being independent of anything anyone says and does and nothing that happens at work or in your personal life will ever bring you down. It's time to liberate your identity from how others treat you. How they treat you is based on their own self image. If they treat you poorly then they likely are not secure in themselves or they would not feel the need to treat you poorly. But regardless of their motives it isn't a reflection of you. No one is perfect. To expect yourself to be is to set yourself up for self judgment. So accept that you will make mistakes and will fail sometimes. And know in your heart that at the core of you is an intention to do things right and well. That is who you really are, not any mistakes or criticism a boss throws at you. My mother told me something that initially struck me hard when I was angry one day at the boss accusing me of doing something I didn't do. My boss always seemed to be attacking me in how she spoke but this time she flat out accused me of doing something I didn't do. I told my mother that my boss didn't have a right to treat me that way and she told me my boss has a right to act any way she pleases. That doesn't make how she behaves the best course of action but every person on the planet has free will to act as good or as bad as they so choose. We can't force them to behave in a specific way because that is how we want things. We can disagree with their methods but how they behave is totally on their shoulders. What we do have control over is not allowing their behavior to become a reflection of how we view ourselves. It may never be pleasant to work for your boss but the more you separate who you are from how you are being treated the less impact they will have on you and at some point they will leave your life. I have found it best in dealing with these sorts to stay as rational as you can and ask questions to get them to clarify themselves. If you get emails from them keep them so you have a written record of what they said in case their story changes the next day from what they asked of you. That happened often with my boss. But above all else, when the boss is getting on your case, just remind yourself that it isn't you, it is them. The more you can separate yourself the stronger you will feel in your job. Best of luck. I know the sort and they are horrible but not impossible to work for. Focus on feeling good about you and they will loose their impact on you. Take care.
  13. Yes, when it rains it definitely pours sometimes. I had a period similar to yours though it was stress at work, health issue after health issue and relationship issues that sent me over the edge but I got through and things got better for a time. But life has ups and downs. I am now currently in a down. Though this time things are not raining down on me. I only have one glaring down and that is losing my job after 20 years and finding myself having a degree in a field that changed on me leaving me a bit under skilled to find a new job so I have limited prospects and may have to go back to school to go in a completely different direction which is super daunting. This said, I do have my health now. I am the healthiest I have probably ever been in my life and the free time off work has given me a chance to do some walking in the woods. Something I never had time to do while working full time. It is quite peaceful and is helping me to sort my head out a bit before I get down to trying to find a new direction. In any event, it is definitely good to look at both sides of the coin so to speak. And putting more emphasis on the good can help keep the bad from turning everything black.
  14. That is interesting. Why do you think simply having dysthymia does it? Is it the having it or noticing that you have it that does it? I have been able to learn to be pretty mindful. It took some time but in doing so I could see the times I get triggered that send me back into severe depression. What usually makes those trigger points worse is that I then tend to ruminate and talk myself into feeling even worse. My thoughts basically cause me to spiral into feeling suicidal. Is it possible it isn't so much feeling dysthymia that is causing you to flip back into severe depression but rather the thoughts that you are putting behind the way you feel? You have found meds that help the big hurt but not the little so is it possible that you are fretting with your thoughts to the point of things getting worse again? I guess I find comment interesting to me because I have never thought of my dysthymia in terms of it being the problem. I have always tried to deny I had a problem in the first place I guess is why. It was only by becoming severely depressed that I even bothered to look at it. I likely didn't look at it because the pain behind the severe depression terrified the snot out of me. I was trying to run like mad from it. So I guess I just learned to live with generalized depression and became pretty good at pretending. I see now I never would have dealt with it unless things got worse because I was fine with the status quo. But even still even when I became severely depressed I didn't so much see depression as the issue. I guess that is maybe the benefit of having self blame as your root cause. I blamed myself not my depression for being depressed. There was something wrong with me. I was doing something wrong to make myself depressed. But in doing so I actually put my mind to fixing what I was doing, what I was thinking to be precise and maybe because of it I inadvertently went down a helpful path with mindfulness. I haven't spent anytime trying to fix depression. I have spent time trying to fix myself, my thoughts, because for me at least, it is the thoughts that are blocking my ability to be happy. Fear and low self image kept me from wanting to feel emotions and kept me sitting on the sidelines of life never finding excitement. And then fear and low self image is what caused me to turn on myself when I could no longer hold the emotions in. So I have been working on fear and self image thoughts and I honestly feel like I am liberating myself from that dead spot that was my constant companion. Now I am not naive to think I won't ever crash again, considering I have a brain wired for strong emotions it very well could happen again during another life crisis but I am learning tools at how to be mindful of my triggers and not allow my thoughts to ruminate me into being suicidal. And I am learning to give myself a break, to allow myself to make mistakes and fail so that I can go out and try and engage the world instead of hiding from it. It isn't easy to turn a lifetime of thinking around but it feels like I am in some way liberating myself. I didn't mean to go into a long drawn out story about my depression but your comment gave me perspective on how I was viewing my depression. I wasn't judging the depression or the depressive state but myself. Well anyways, maybe try to be a bit mindful of your thoughts when you notice you are in Dysthymia. It might be the noticing that is causing some thoughts to run away with you???
  15. I was diagnosed with dysthymia way back in my 20s and offered counseling but at the time I refused to believe the doctor. I was stressed and anxious, moody and had what the doctor called a flat effect. My emotions in general were not there. And though I could laugh and have fun there was a dead spot inside and some dark feelings haunting me. This was my constant demeanor most of my life and I only had a couple short brushes with severe depression after intense periods of anxiety that was until the last one when I could not come out of it. I then spent 2 full years in constant severe depression. Emotional pain and despair and an overwhelming need to get out. Over these past 2 years i have been going back and forth between severe depression and dysthmyia. Honestly for me the dysthymia is better. At least I can function and I'm not crying all the time. Not that crying is bad but the desperate need to get out trumps feeling dead inside from my perspective. This all said, all of us having our difference of opinion on what is worse, the only thing that is helping both, helping me to recover from all degrees of depression, is facing head on the thoughts and beliefs that are blocking my ability to feel good. For me those thoughts centered on low self image, self blame, and feeling not good enough. Now that I am working to turn those thoughts around I am starting to feel like I may be able to liberate myself from any degree of depression. Like Dragonwings said, meds only work to keep the symptoms in check. What are you doing to try to find and deal with the root cause? It is a process that takes time to uncover but has been well worth it for me.
  16. It really sounds like there might be some ptsd so please do considering professional help who specializes in those kinds of things. I wish you love and and healing.
  17. I know life can feel really cruel and painful. I've been there and know it can be hard to hang on. What kind of ulterior motives do the people in your life have? Have horrific things happened to you? If they have you may need the help of a trained therapist to deal with any ptsd you may have.
  18. It sounds like you have been triggered. Can I ask what is it about your relationships that lead you to believe you are unloved?
  19. I agree with Fizzle. If the sounds of die are coming from outside your head that could be some form of psychosis and your psychiatrist needs to know. I have had the feeling of needing to die and that it must happen and it can be quite overwhelming and feel super hard to resist like an itch you are so frustrated that you can't scratch it's painful but when I feel like that the voice that is telling me to die is clearly in my head and not something I audibly hear. I hope it is just a product of the med changes and it will stabilize but please do alert your doctor if this is a change from anything you have noticed before. Sending you hope and strength. Feel better soon.
  20. I am sorry you are hurting. One of the hardest things to deal with in my depression has been the loss of joy and the lack of motivation. A lot of what you have said are feelings I have had with the exception of needing someone in my life to be happy. I actually would rather not have anyone in my life though being around others does seem to pull me out of depression a bit but there isn't a need in me for them. For me a lot of my depression is rooted in self blame and feeling like I am not good enough which leads to me thinking there is no point to me. But all logic says there is a point to all of us so at some point you may want to look a bit deeper at your sadness and try to find your root cause so that you can bring it out and heal it. It usually is rooted in wrong thinking that we picked up along the way. My father was very critical of my wins and losses so I never learned to celebrate myself and only learned to see myself as a failure. Of course that is a recipe for low self esteem. So look at your life and see if you can find those thoughts that are undermining your self worth and image and then maybe you will find you don't need others to be happy. You can learn to be happy with yourself and who you are because regardless of what your brain is trying to tell you, you are a worthwhile person who has much to offer this world. I do hope you feel better soon. Take care.
  21. Thanks everyone. Yes, Fizzle I feel like life is kicking me when I am already down. I don't know how to survive. I'm trying to stay positive but just see ruin. I'm not sure what to do. Doing my best to not implode.
  22. Thanks Fizzle. I would be gone if there wasn't. I'm about to lose my job and having a rough time with it and where to go from here. I'm tired and it hurts.
  23. Yes, I am safe. That one person is still around. But having a rough time ATM
  24. That is not what I mean. I have lots of people in my life who care about me. It's how many I would stay for. I had a meltdown last night and crossed another line.
  25. I use to have three people. Then about six months ago I narrowed it down to two. Tonight I narrowed it down to one.
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