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Everything posted by Michelle38

  1. I had a dream a while ago that I committed suicide. I was standing on a crane in the middle of the ocean and jumped saying, "Please help Randy understand" The thing is the dream had nothing to do with the act of death. It was actually about my great fear of jumping into emotions. My boyfriend Randy is my protector so he symbolizes my protective side. Water symbolizes emotions and the act of jumping into them was so scary to me it felt like it would be the death of me so I was asking my subconscious in a way to calm my protective side so it didn't flip out and/or totally shut me down out of fear of experiencing strong emotions. Something I was terrified to do my whole life. So the dream felt like I was jumping to my death when I really wasn't. I was more going for it in regards to allowing myself to express my emotions. In any event, dreams where we seem to die generally are never about physical death but actually about the death of a part of us that no longer serves us. So maybe on some level your dream was a leap of faith of some sort or as you state possibly and attempt at allowing you to be more open about your suicidal thoughts. In order to heal those thoughts we do have to recognize and confront them first.
  2. That's an interesting interpretation. I do beat myself up a lot in general and I suppose I do beat myself up ABOUT beating myself up. I can't always tell if that's me or the depression when it happens but I do go through periods where I get pretty sick of myself. I do also feel a bit powerless or inadequate in the face of my depression, job I hate, and perceived societal pressures of where my life "should be" at this point. I've always kinda viewed "life" as a malevolent beast that stalks around the edges and tries to take bites out of me and those I love... so maybe that plays into the whole dog attack thing. I always feel like something is trying to tear me to pieces one way or another. Yep, me too. Tear myself apart of my mistakes then tear myself apart for tearing myself apart. Had a critical father, an over bearing boss and enough medical and mental health issues that it feels like life is out to get you. Depression takes the life out of you. It's all very hard but I am trying to remind myself that there is never a good reason to tear myself down. If I never make a million bucks or even a decent living that isn't who I am inside. Who I am is someone who cares enough about being a good worthwhile person that I want to tear myself down because I perceive I am not. So in a way depressed people may actually care more so than the "normal" people of the world. Why else would we beat ourselves up if we didn't care on some level to be trying to do good, be good, accomplish good. In any event, I hope you one day find your way to being your own best friend. You do not deserve to be attacked or torn apart. Take care.
  3. Being in a shopping center can revolve around the things we buy into. Looking for a new perspective. Security guards can indicate that you have a lot of guilt about how you act and behave. It is hard to buy into anything new about yourself if you are too wrapped up in ideas that are guilt ridden. But the dream seems to be trying to send the message that these guilty thoughts are born from some very old ideas by people who are unable to see past such behavior. Guilt is kind of learned behavior. If you were raised in a way that made you feel guilty for not being this way or that this simply means you were raised by adults who were unable to see a better way to get their needs taken care of and fall back on guilt as the means to control. Being naked means that we are exposing parts of ourselves to ourselves that make us feel vulnerable and uncomfortable. Guilt is one of those emotions we don't want to touch but it undermines every step we take. So I would say just look at your life and see where guilt plays a role. Do others try to continually make you feel guilty about your choices and how you behave or do you yourself engage in a lot of guilt and self blame. I realize this may be an older dream but it may still be relevant today. You should never have to feel guilty about who you are or your choices in life.
  4. Do you engage in a lot of self blame and beating yourself up? There is behavior, yours or someone else's in your life that is overpowering you and making you feel beaten down and small. The good news is your survival side is kicking in and wants to take back control of the situation. To stop seeing the world from this negative aggressive side (gouging the eyes out). This is good with the exception of it being the case of self blame where fighting fire with fire isn't necessarily the best solution. Beating yourself up for beating yourself up only creates more discord. Try talking to yourself like you would talk to a friend. None of us is perfect but being an enemy to ourselves is not only unhelpful it just gets us into a deeper hole. Stand up against those forces that are trying to make you feel small regardless if they are from others or from yourself but make sure you show yourself some self compassion towards in the process. Self compassion towards your faults and failings or giving yourself permission to stand up towards another to gain your power back if they are demeaning towards you. Quite an upsetting dream but one that I think indicates that you are ready to take a stand which is a good thing. Take care.
  5. I actually think dreams are an invaluable way to work through our subconscious. I have used mine to help sort my head out. They can be intense, graphic and upsetting but I try to not run from them because they hold a lot of insight. To M*rder someone in a dream could indicate that there is a part of you that you are trying to rid yourself of. This is actually not necessarily a bad thing if the part of you that you are trying to do away with is a self destructive, self critical, self demeaning side. On the flip side, depending on the context of the dream it could indicate that there is some anger inside of you that wants to strike out at people who you feel threatened by. You want to strike out and get these people out of your life for making you feel bad but then you feel guilty as a person for having anger in the first place. This conflict inside can be a big cause for us to get stuck in repeating negative thought patterns and behavior. Pets becoming monsters could indicate that you yourself or loved ones in your life, those who are supposed to love you unconditionally are actually threats to you. This would feed into the other dream of feeling guilty about k*lling. In any event, I think dreams are extremely helpful at revealing what is going on underneath. They can't hurt us so I try not to fear mine and use them as a tool not as something to run away from.
  6. From a philosophical standpoint the world is and always will be a difficult place because it is the only place we can experience the contrast of light and dark. You can't know who you really are until you experience who you are not. In the end this life is short and the suffering is temporary but the experience can be invaluable for the soul. From a reality standpoint, being in the trenches so to speak, if a person is struggling with fears about work and finance it might point to some self confidence or self esteem issues that need addressing. A fear of there not being enough can often arise from inner feelings of not feeling like we are enough, good enough to make our way in the world. Address that and one might find themselves going back to school to get training in something they enjoy that will help ensure a roof over their head for the duration of their life. Life is not perfect but in the grand scheme of things our quality of life is better than it has ever been and in general we are at the most peaceful we have been but with the internet we are able to glare a spotlight on all the dark corners we just were not aware of before magnifying things and making it seems like things are worse when they technically are not. And if you look closely you will see a lot of good being done in the world as well as the bad. A lot of well meaning people out there trying to make a difference. So rather than put our focus on the things we can't control in the world it's helpful to put our focus on the things we can so we can heal our inner fears, insecurities and pains and move forward as a positive force in the world.
  7. I believe I read somewhere that inappropriate laughing is a coping mechanism for extreme duress and anxiety. The bodies way to release the excess emotions. I was hysterical once after getting off a scary rollercoaster and I use to smile and laugh inappropriately when I was a teenager when I did something wrong. I and a number of my friends were detained once by the police after a bunch of us threw eggs at someone's house. Stupid childhood behavior but I was so scared I was smiling and the police were pretty annoyed with me and I tried desperately to explain I wasn't smiling because I was happy that I was just really nervous but they didn't buy it. In any event if it happens often anxiety meds may be able to help. One other interesting thing I read is that depression can be followed by periods of intense anxiety. So your evening depressions may be a result of a day of anxiety. Anxiety in general can be very subtle. I was really good at hiding it. I pretended I was fine and got myself to a pretty good place being able to function but if I looked hard I was an absolute nervous wreck underneath. What surprised me the most after finally starting to get a handle on it all was how much I responded to life like it was an emergency. I really did not notice that aspect of it in my regular life. I knew I wanted to get things done in a hurry but didn't see how that behavior was feeding my anxiety and causing me to respond to life like it was all a life or death emergency. Time pressures probably didn't help the situation but now I try really hard to remind myself to slow down, that I don't have to always be in a hurry and it has helped my anxiety a lot. I don't know if I will ever totally conquer it because some of us are hardwired for stronger than normal emotions but trying to take a step back, breathing more slowly and slowing down in general does help the anxiety. In the end all the fear I was generating never produced anything bad. Things always worked out so the fear and anxiety were really just making me feel bad and nothing more. If anxiety is a big issue for you consider trying some daily meditation. Starting your day with even a short meditation may get you off on the right foot and help you face the day with less anxiety. But if you feel overwhelmed by it definitely see a doctor because there are meds that may help as well. I never took them but if anxiety is disrupting a person's ability to function they may be worth a try as well counseling may help a person gain some better coping skills as well. Something I did not realize I didn't have much of. I mostly engaged in negative coping strategies because that is how my parents handled life. Look them up and see what kinds you engage in and if you can swap them for some more positive kinds. Meditation is one of the positive kinds. Take care.
  8. I use to get a pain in my solar plexus when I was young and working at a job I didn't like because the boss was pretty mean. I would get a "stomach ache" there on the days I had to go to work and suspect it was stress and anxiety fueling tension pain it. It stopped once I quit the job. Now my pain is located squarely in my heart and feels like I am being stabbed. I am aware now it is related to my feelings of self rejection. It was constant for about 3 years when I first fell into severe depression but thankfully now it mostly only happens when life tends to discount me or otherwise cause my self rejection to kick in. Crying helps it release.
  9. I am sorry you have been through so much. Just the abuse alone is traumatizing. My story isn't quite as bad as yours but I was never able to have children either due to uterine fibroids and scarring. I have also struggled with depression most of my life as well as anxiety. This said, for me when I reached 30 it became apparent to me that having children probably wasn't such a good idea anyways and I never really got to the place of great regret over not having them. It was hard in my 20s when after the first fibroid I was told I would likely have trouble carrying a child to full term but truthfully I was likely too much of a nervous wreck to raise a healthy child anyways. So after I hit 30 I just embraced the pros of not having children. Who you are is not wrapped up in being a mother. You are more than just a baby maker and though having children I am sure is an enriching experience it isn't the only thing in life that can bring happiness. You have been through incredible trauma and I think it important now to put some focus on you and your healing. You are an important worthwhile human being and you haven't been treated that way. Therapy may help you to work through not just the idea of never having your own child but the trauma of all the abuse, the abortion and miscarriages you have endured. Those are all intense experiences that can weigh very heavy on a person. Put yourself first now because it seems to me there is a lot of emotional healing that needs to take place. But just know there are many women who are infertile for one reason or another. As a woman it can be hard because we are built for having babies but having one does not define you. You must try to remember that above all else. You are important, not whether or not you had a child. Get yourself healthy first and like the other poster stated, if you really want a child you can think about adopting at some point but right now the focus needs to be on you and your healing. This is a really good place to talk things out I have found. Take care and be kind to yourself. Hugs.
  10. This was indeed beautiful. I can tell you really get it Michelle. My inner dialogue hates me, is confused, and mostly sees no way out. I'm not a quitter. I have resolve and fight. I just don't know how much longer I can feel this intense, ya know? Thank you :) You do realize it is all lies you know. These ideas you have in your head about yourself, your worth and/or your badness are all lies that have developed from your experiences along the way. But they have no bearing on who you are as a person or even deeper your soul. Being human is hard. We slip up and fail sometimes, sometimes a lot of times, but none of that defines our true nature as pure beings just having a human experience. It's important to stop identifying with those parts of you that you don't like and put more focus on those parts of you that you can feel proud of. The fighter in you who refuses to quit is a good example of your strength. The ability to withstand the horrible pain of self rejection is another testament to your strength and bravery. For me it is like someone is stabbing me in the heart and all I want to do is run from it but only stopping and confronting it has helped me see the dark spot that was haunting me my whole life that I tried to run like mad from as my own self rejection being reflected back to me when life treated me as though I didn't count. What is important now is for you to try and make the decision to refuse to see yourself that way. To refuse to tear yourself apart when something goes wrong or life is discounting you. Simply tell your brain to shut the heck up and it will help the pain ease up a bit. The really painful down times may not last as long and then you may be able to start to rebuild your self image and start to, in the minimum, treat yourself with kindness and compassion. There is a mantra I am using now that is helping me and may help you. I say this to myself often, There is never a good reason to tear myself down. No one on this planet wants you to hate yourself. If they do then they have bigger issues of their own. Try to find your way to being more of a friend to yourself than an enemy and things will lighten up a bit. I know I don't deserve the horrible condemnation I have put upon myself and I know you don't either. It can be hard to turn around and it may be quite some time before we shout our praises on the rooftop but a big first step to feeling better is refusing to let the enemy side have the louder voice. It's had it's say and done its damage but enough is enough. Sending you extra (((Hugs))).
  11. Would that not bring on the old reckless behavior? I know I have wanted to go back and change things and go back to older thinking but once we are aware it is difficult for me at least to go back to prior thinking. I can understand the logic but I also think suppressing isn't always the best bet because the issues never really go away and they can pop up later pretty intensely. Have you talked with a therapist to work through your sad experiences so you can release them and leave them a part of your past and get them to stop defining your now as opposed to running from them? Well, we all have to do what we feel is best for us. I wish you the best with it.
  12. It's tough if you want rural life. There usually is not public transportation. I live far outside the big city and there is a train that goes into the city. This said, I still need a car to get to the train and to go to the store. You could live walking distance to a train system that took you into NY or another nearby city to shop. Or you could find someplace that is warm most of the year and buy a bicycle to get around on. I personally find cars pretty safe. And they are getting safer and safer as the years go by. They have airbags all over the place and are now making them so they stop on their own to avoid collisions. Though not the super small cars. Those don't feel safe to me. But if you really can't get past your fear then consider a warm place and a bike. Take care.
  13. I heard a quote by Earnest Hemingway once, The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places. But those that will not break it k*lls. It k*lls the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will k*ll you too but there will be no special hurry. What it means is that we can't fix ourselves until we know we are broken. It is the broken who have a chance to heal. Those who do not know or refuse to break will suffer a worse fate. I was feeling broken myself yesterday and not feeling very strong in my broken spots but I know that I can patch them up. You know you are broken, that is the first step. It might now be time to try and investigate and see why. Mindfulness has helped me learn to hear my inner dialogue which has given me clues to my self image issues which lead to self rejection. What are your daily thoughts telling you? How are your daily thoughts defining you and your world? Feeling broken is a horrible place to find yourself but knowing that you are is the first step towards recovery. Now just start asking yourself why, where is the hurt and see if you can reveal the lies that have led you to this painful state so that you can turn them around. Stay strong. You can get better. Hugs.
  14. Adding a new song to my list. This one is inspirational to me. "Afterlife" by Ingrid Michaelson https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uf_QhUZX3BM
  15. What Dreams May Come with Robin Williams. Deals with suicide and the afterlife. One of my all time favorite movies even before I became outwardly suicidal.
  16. I say keep rambling. It is the rambling that helps me sort out my head confusion. I still run around in circle sometimes from one idea to the next. I know not the same type of confusion you are talking about and I know a lot of doctors caution against rumination but for me allowing the thoughts to flow helped me to see what was there. I have some 20 plus odd journals with all my ramblings lol but it was a way for me to clearly see what was on my mind about myself and my world. So let yourself ramble and see what falls out. And mindfulness may help still your mind enough to hear the guidance. I don't just use it for my mood but more so for my racing thoughts and rumination. I allow my thoughts to be what they are and just try to reel them in when they go dark and astray. That is what happened a lot with my walks in the woods. Sometimes I was brought to tears during it because I couldn't stop the negative thought train but after a while my brain would have enough and I would move onto a more positive perspective and feeling as well. The mood shifts were not grand and all freeing but enough for me to see that I did have subtle shifts in mood. Seeing that helped me to see that I could begin to sense what times in life triggered me to feel worse which gave clues to where my painful thoughts lived. But the point is I spent most of my life trying to not be depressed or suicidal and trying to be all put together when I wasn't. Once I became severely depressed though it seemed to be out of my control I went with the loss of control of my emotions and gave myself a free pass to whatever was going on. I did things in a responsible way in a private setting or with people I trusted but I stopped putting limitations on how I was supposed to behave and feel and said this is how it is like it or not. It was liberating and though the experience was initially very intense I found the fact that I stopped running from myself was helping me free myself from the pain I had carried with my my whole life. Not immediately but it is lessening in intensity and I hope one day to be on the other side. Anyways, it is a process and one that is very personal for each of us. If there was a one sure fire way to fix things there would not be so many different ways to approach depression recovery. So honestly just keep asking. I have lived my whole life without really realizing it, from the ask and you shall receive perspective always constantly asking why or how. The receiving may not come immediately or even soon sometimes but keep asking and asking and asking and something will shake out. You have a coach side that you know. The rational side that you are aware of that knows that there is something there for you to help you even if you can't find it yet. Keep asking that side of you for help. I honestly feel like two different people, one who wants to do me in and one that is trying super hard to get rational and positive, but I don't care if that sounds crazy or strange because going with it has helped me and though initially my enemy side was winning out the coach side was ever so quiet but persistently telling me that there is a way out even if I didn't believe it and now it is starting to have a stronger voice than the enemy side. So as they say feed your rational side and keep turning back to it when the enemy side wants to run the show. You are aware of so just remind yourself that it is just as much a part of you as your enemy side is. Just because the enemy side has a strong pull right now doesn't mean the rational side is any less a part of who you are. From a spiritual perspective they say it is more so who you are. But regardless you have proof that you are not only negative thoughts even if they have more power right now. You do have a part of you that you can turn to. Remind yourself that when the confusion steps in. And mindfulness may help you feed that rational coach side.
  17. No one here thinks that and even if anyone or the whole planet did who cares. You know in your heart how hard you are trying. It's honestly just between you and god. And it's ok to be scared. When you keep hitting a wall it is normal to feel scared and defeated but there is a side of you that is not giving up. That is the side you want to nurture. I know I spoke to you before about mindfulness. I found an article online about its possible effectiveness in depression when traditional cognitive approaches have failed. Here is the article. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3303604/ Like I said before it isn't a quick fix. It is something that takes time but may help you shift your relationship with your mood which may in turn help you feel better. I know for me simply going for a walk in the woods was helpful in me walking through my emotions from a mindful and just getting away or lost so to speak perspective so a trip some place you deem peaceful may be of help. Is there a place that speaks to you from an inspirational perspective? There is some truth to a change of circumstances helping us shift our thoughts. I wanted to quit smoking but was struggling. I smoked like a fiend in the car because it was the one place where i was free to smoke without anyone telling me no but when I bought a new car I made a decision that I would not smoke in the car and to my surprise it was not that hard to not smoke in it. I did occasionally because no one is perfect but the point is I realized that changing my environment and my relationship with my car helped me to shift my smoking habit a bit when I didn't have any faith I would be able to. Enough of a shift for me to see I did have a little more control over it than I thought. So go with your gut on this. If it feels like a good thing there is no harm in doing it. But use it as a starting point. Let go of any expectations about it fixing you and go to be free for a moment. To experience the feeling of being free that you can reference moving forward. The one important thing about mindfulness is that we learn to let go of control of trying to fix the situation instead learning to walk through it and change our relationship with the negative in our life so it doesn't have the upper hand and rule our world. Little shifts help get us towards bigger shifts. It is a process with time that may help lead us to a tipping point and a new way of life.
  18. When I was younger I was in fierce denial about my depression and suicidal tendencies. I knew something was up but chose to ignore and hide it even from myself and it worked to some degree but showed up in some pretty intense fear and anxiety that I also fought really hard to deny until I got a job that was overwhelming with a boss that was over bearing and began to have physical health issues I headed straight towards a nervous breakdown but oddly one day when I was just about to completely break down my brain snapped but instead of heading into the psychotic end of things I wound up finding myself at total peace with the world and myself. I still had issues but none of it mattered. I felt completely depression free and instead of wanting out I actually was at a place of wanting to live. I really thought I had somehow beat depression. And I did for 10 years until some issues with my heart brought all the fear and anxiety back and in the aftermath caused me to crash into a severe outwardly suicidal depression that was worse than any I had experienced before because I could no longer contain my emotions like I had before. Needless to say i was quite devastated by it all because the peaceful state was heaven. Then I found myself here and happened upon a post about Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation and the person who had it done said that afterwards they felt like they were zenned out. It kind of clicked with me that was where I was when my brain snapped under high duress, into a zen like state. I honestly can't say how it happened except that I was prone to reading a lot of self help books but I didn't conscious do anything to get there, I wasn't on meds, so I suppose I am just lucky in the sense that my brain at the breaking point snapped in a positive zen state as opposed to negative psychotic state but it also says to me that there may be something to the TMS treatment. From what I understand it may take quite a few sessions for it to work and I believe it would have to be repeated before a years time to avoid something like what happened to me shifting back into a worse depression but it may be something you want to check into if you haven't. I looked it up and they seem to use it for migraines, strokes, schizophrenia and treatment resistant major depressive disorder. I am not sure the long term effects but there is so much we don't know about the brain and how it operates it might be worth checking out if you haven't already.
  19. Hmm, this may go without saying but have you had a brain scan or been tested for other brain illness like early Alzheimer? You are way more educated on mental health issues and their symptoms than I but to suddenly lose track of who you are or where you are seems to me that other avenues other than just a mental health disorder should be ruled out. In the absence of headaches it very well isn't a tumor but I would push the cognitive and memory issues with a regular doctor and get yourself fully evaluated for things outside the mental health arena just to be sure. There are other illness that can affect mood not just mental health illnesses.
  20. Oh PN, I am so sorry about that. Considering this isn't full on schizophrenia you might want to do some research on neuroplasticity. I am not sure if it would cure you completely but if you only began to hallucinate after prolonged depression if you address how being depressed changes the neural pathways of the brain and work to rewire them it may help alleviate the psychosis end of things. It may take a lot of long term concerted effort on your part to remap your brain but things like daily meditation can do wonders to help the brain start to access more positive feelings and emotions over the negative ones your brain is trapped in. Our brains are creatures of habit but habits can be broken and they are learning that brains can be remapped and new neural pathways can be created so I honestly don't think all hope is lost for you so do check into meditation and mindfulness practices. Sounds True has a whole library of helpful podcasts course you might want to check into or even check out YouTube. There is all sorts of free insights on there. I am starting to get into mindfulness and meditation myself and it has helped me to start to take a conscious part in shifting my thoughts and moods. You are incredibly strong to resist the over arching need to get out but I do believe there is still something you can do to take your life back. It could take a long time, possibly years but I would think that if things started to shift for you even a little you could gain your hope back. My thoughts are with you. Hugs.
  21. The interesting thing you said in an earlier post is that you were good at ignoring the signs and even your thoughts. I think that is pretty typical when we have painful feelings inside. I was terrified of emotions and ran like mad from the dark spot that was somewhere inside me. I had no clue why it was there and what it was about I just knew I had to run and to do that I had to convince myself that there was nothing wrong. That a constant state of fear and anxiety was just something to push through. That a need to be hypervigilant about my behavior was just how a good person behaved. That the random out of the blue urges to suicide even while doing something I enjoyed was just a blip of the brain, everyone had them. The need to escape something everyone felt as well. And the sudden outbursts of rage though very rare and provoked something to be ignored. All the signs were there yet I was totally able to put blinders on and paint myself as fine. That was until I could no longer hide it or contain it and it all came spilling out after a life crisis and I became quite intensely afraid of myself and realized why I was running so hard. I did not want to look because I had quite out of control bad feelings about myself that sincerely wanted to do me in and I still tried to run like mad desperate to get out but I am starting to see that looking at the pain square in the eye is what is liberating me from it. Not easy to do but it sounds like you have some of the same issues with self blame that I do. Being hard on yourself is not necessary and is actually not helpful. I think a part of me thought that if I didn't succeed and succeed big then I was a failure at life but the truth is we can fail and fail pretty badly but still be worthwhile valuable people. You don't need to be perfect and all the choices and decisions you made, even the ones to ignore red flags were all in an attempt to try and protect yourself. In any event, it is important when the self criticism kicks in that you simply tell it to stop. At some point you may want to swap the talk out for more life affirming words but in the beginning it is important just to stop bashing ourselves and eventually we will break the habit of being our own worst enemies ideally learning to become our own best friends. Then no one in this world will ever be able to hurt you verbally or physically. Hugs.
  22. Hello Chris, It sounds to me that your family may have some history with mental health issues. It is great you are able to be there for them but you also need to put your own healing first. You can't truly be of help to others unless you yourself are stable. this may include being in relationships if you find you keep attracting codependent ones. I do hope you are accepting into the cbt therapy group. You sound like you really aren't a bad person you just lose control of your emotions and thoughts sometimes and cbt may be able to help you with that. I wish you the best as you work towards a healing. You are not alone.
  23. I am sorry you have found yourself here but it is a great place to find support and talk to people who get what you are feeling. There are a lot of helpful kind people here. So speak up and ask lots of questions. We all want to feel better but simply addressing the feeling only may not help you develop a strategy to over come your depression. To do that it can be helpful to learn how to be mindful. The fact that you state that you do not want to give into negative thoughts says to me that there may be a cognitive component to your depression and as such mindfulness may be of help to you. Mindfulness is the act of paying attention to your mood and feelings, noticing when you get triggered into feeling bad, paying attention to what the feelings and thoughts are, stopping yourself from negative defeating talk, and flipping the script to be more supportive and empowering towards yourself. This will initially help you fall less deeply into your depression and with a lot of practice you may eventually beat your depression. You may never be totally free from feeling bad, you can't escape that being human, but we don't have to make ourselves feel worse by adding to the negativity. So maybe take some time to reflect on the idea of not just trying to feel physically better but take steps to try and think mentally better as well because meds may only mask the problem. To fix it we sometimes have to fix our the thoughts that defeat us before we have a chance to even start. So do some research on mindfulness or find some books that speak to you. I am currently reading a couple of them by Brene Brown, Daring Greatly and Rising Strong but there are many out there to choose from. Ideally the goal is to take your life back not just feel better and a great place to do that is by starting to challenge your thoughts especially the ones that do not serve your better good. Take care and best of luck with your recovery journey.
  24. I get what you are saying with the title. I look back on my life and see that a big part of it has been a struggle to survive myself and some form of suicidal thinking. It can be a challenge that shakes you to your core especially if you find yourself at that place of being outwardly suicidal. Actually what you are talking about is being Mindful. It is the act of paying attention to your mood and feelings, noticing when you get triggered into feeling bad, paying attention to what the feelings and thoughts are, stopping yourself from negative defeating talk, and flipping the script to be more supportive and empowering towards yourself. This will initially help you fall less deeply into your depression and with a lot of practice you may eventually beat your depression. You may never be totally free from feeling bad, you can't escape that being human, but we don't have to make ourselves feel worse by adding to the negativity. People whose depressions are deeply rooted in cognitive thinking have a leg up in recovery by confronting their thought patterns that undermine their well being so just keep doing what you are doing. Maybe do some research on the practice of mindfulness and meditation. Search for books that speak to you about how your thoughts can undermine you. I'm reading a couple now that are pretty good by Dr Brene Brown. I am currently reading Daring Greatly that talks about allowing yourself to be vulnerable to conquer shameful thoughts. Unless you are a narcissist we all feel shame at some point but most of us try to run and hide from it. It is only when the shame starts to take over our thoughts that we become forced to face it which I think is what happens with cognitive depressions. The next book of hers that I am going to read is her newest book Rising Strong and it is a form of mindfulness put into practice. So maybe check them out or see if there are others that speak to you. In any event, an analogy that has helped me put my thoughts and feelings into perspective is that depression is like clouded thinking but we never lose who we truly are which is the sun. The sun never stops shining behind the dark clouds. With depression those clouds can get quite dark and ominous and even sometimes violent and it may seem as though our whole world is one horrible storm that we will never be free from but the sun is still there shining bright behind the clouds waiting for the storm to give way. Being mindful can help you clear your storm clouds to uncover the true bright shining brilliant you that you really are and always were. It is a great analogy to reflect on when our own or others defeating talk creeps in to undermine our sense of self and well being. I wish you much success on your recovery journey. Be patient with it and especially with yourself and never stop trying to calm the emotional storm. We didn't get to where we were at in a day and it unfortunately will take more than a day to dig ourselves out of the mess but it is not impossible. We just have to keep working on breaking the habit of being our own worst enemies and learn to be our own best friends. Take care.
  25. If your parents are still married then the assets automatically revert to them unless they have a will stating exactly who gets what. I am not sure what country you live in but in the States if there is no will and no discernible heir then the assets will go into escrow and will be divided up amongst the next living relatives that can be found. I would think as the sole child you would have more rights over siblings, cousins or nephews/nieces. But escrow takes time to sort out so you do want ot avoid that if possible. So if your parents are divorced then just ask him what he has set up. It doesn't hurt to ask. As well speak to a lawyer to understand the laws where you live instead of relying on a friend who may not fully understand the laws. I am sorry your father is sick. It is understandable that you would have some anger and resentment towards them. Please work on healing your hurt above all else. How they treated you is not a reflection of who you are. It is simply a reflection of their own insecurities being taken out on you.
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