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Everything posted by Michelle38

  1. I have done a very, very good job denying my mental health issues my whole life. I always would say I came into this world afraid of everything and everyone. I know I was terribly anxious and stressed but refused to give into them. I denied my emotions with expertise which may be why I never had panic attacks but I did every so often, even when I wasn't depressed, have sudden urges to suicide, out of the blue, for seemingly no good reason. I would have to do my level best to fight the urge to say, jump out of a moving car. But as I said, besides for a few very brief bouts with severe depression, I was so good at suppressing most emotions I really had myself fooled into thinking there was nothing wrong with me. If I looked hard enough they were there but I just chose to not look. And then the walls came crashing down and my emotions went out of control. Crazy over the top out of control with constant thoughts of self-harm and suicide, no longer just random. I somehow managed to survive that 3 year period and see that I can tolerate extreme emotions, which was in a way liberating, and I am now trying to learn mindfulness to turn my self-image around with the help of a book but I did not know much about there being different types of therapy so I looked up DBT and was quite shocked what I read. It was like I was reading my life story. DBT is designed for people with self-destructive tendencies who have what they call emotional vulnerability. People can be hard-wired to have extreme strong unbearably intense negative emotions that come on quickly and are hard to control. This is compounded if the person is exposed to an environment that is invalidating. My father criticized so much I developed a self-image that I am a failure and could never do anything right. He was that way with all his kids but I was the only one who found it hard to cope with life and of course my struggling while my siblings didn’t just made me feel worse about myself but now it makes sense. I am not just weak, my brain is wired for strong emotions. I am not sure knowing this is a good thing or a bad thing. I think I kind of thought simply changing my self-view would fix all of this but it may mean that I will continue to have a lot of difficulty regulating my emotions. Well anyways, thanks for making the post. It’s always good to learn more about ourselves, see ourselves a little deeper. It is funny, I am an avid dreamer and used my dreams to help me sort things out. One dream I had was basically saying that we are taking things slow so as to lessen the shock of it all. I will acknowledge that my self-image was really very fragile at that time I can see why I didn’t come across any of this info sooner. I think it would have crushed me. But I guess that is a good sign. I do feel more capable of dealing with my strong emotions. I just have to say my life isn’t amounting at all to what I thought it would turn out to be but hopefully I can one day say my emotions aren’t controlling me, I am controlling them.
  2. You are not pathetic, you are human. Everyone feels hurt when they are rejected. This is a natural response but the idea is to try and not blame yourself or call yourself names over what happened. This is that person's fault and his fault alone. You must try and think outside of thinking you need him to survive. You don't. You survived before he came into your life and you will survive now that he is gone. With time the hurt will fade and you will have new people in your life. Just keep your thoughts as positive as you can, try and catch the defeating words and throw them away and replace them with self kindness. Remind yourself that you are strong even if you don't believe it just yet. Say it anyways and say it often.
  3. You aren't self destructive or a moron, you are just trying to feel better. But I do understand what you are saying. When I am feeling good I feel like I will never be depressed again and then when I fall into depression I feel like I will never overcome it, that is how life will always be. It is a crazy rollercoaster. It sounds like your job is the source of much stress and anxiety. Do you have a therapsit that you can talk to about this? Maybe a therapist can help you reframe your thoughts on where and how you work so you can learn to cope better with the situation. Or maybe you might want to consider a career change into something that is more suited for your situation.
  4. I understand. Emotions have a mind of their own but just try to refrain from adding to it with your own dialogue putting yourself down. I suspect he wasn't trying to be cruel. I suspect he dosn't cope well himself and simply had to run away but regardless it is going to hurt so it's ok to be upset just do your best to remind yourself that you are still special and worthy and you can get past this. You are much stronger and resilient then you believe you are and you will one day find someone who won't run away from you.
  5. Please don't give up. Do you have a friend you can call to be with or family? Do you have a therapist you can talk to? This is a big blow so it is understandable that you would be upset and hurting over it but you didn't do anything wrong. This person just was unable to cope either to be honest or he would have been more up front with you instead of waiting until it got to the boiling over point. The best thing you can do is let yourself mourn the loss but keep reminding yourself that it isn't your fault that they didn't communicate properly. You can find someone else. This said, if you don't have a therapist you may want to consider one so you can have someone to help you sort out your troubles who won't run away. Please be gentle with yourself. You can get throught this, just keep breathing.
  6. Music has played an integral role in helping me survive my depression. I get random song lyrics that pop in my head at just the right time to help me carry on and fight to live another day. They seem to bring insight and inspiration and answers to the questions that plague me. As well I always seem to happen upon a song that speaks to my soul and helps me release my pain and feel better. Below are some of the songs that have touched me. Please add your own. Brave by Josh Groban Brave by Sara Bareilles Breath by Ryan Star Carry On by Fun Close Your Eyes by Michael Buble Everybody Hurts by R.E.M. Fix You or just about any Cold Play song I Won’t Give Up by Jason Mraz No Day But Today by Idina Menzel River So Wide by Phil Collins Roads by Chris Mann Run by Snow Patrol Shine by Take That Show Me What I’m Looking For by Carolina Liar Some Day by Rob Thomas Stay Alive by Jose Gonzalez You Raise Me Up by Josh Groban And last but not least this song found its way to me on the very night I hit my lowest point. The darkest place anyone can find themselves, a place where I had lost all hope of ever overcoming my despair. I was giving up and I firmly believe this song saved my life. May It Be by Enya
  7. Ever since I was a teenager I sometimes out of the blue get urges to cause my death by jumping off boats or out of moving cars. I have to fight the urge to physically go through with it. I spent most of my life ignoring the urges trying to deny that I had them until I fell into a very severe depression and it dawned on me that more was going on than I may have realized. The thing is feelings, thoughts, urges and even fantasies are not the same as actually going through with it. Having fantasies is pretty common and as you stated you don't see death as something to be feared so you may just be trying to understand that a bit further. But I would consider talking to someone about it to get to the root of why you may be fantasizing about your death. Maybe take some time to reflect on what is happening at the moments that this urge comes up. Is there a pattern when it happens? Some sort of recent incidence that could possibly be a trigger? Only you know if you think you could act on your fantasies but I would not take them lightly if I were you. I would try to get to the root of it one way or another just so you can start to fantasize about more pleasant things.
  8. I know the repetitive dreams can be draining. I am forever having bathroom issues in my dreams. Just keep working on your anxiety during your waking life and your dreams will shift.
  9. Is that where your waking life issues live, in your relationships?
  10. While trying to work through my depression I have some pretty intense dreams while my boyfriend on the other hand mostly dreams about Candy Crush. I caught him talking in his sleep the other night talking about getting all the barrels lined up just right. LOL.
  11. I have found if I ask specific questions before I go to bed I have better dream recall. Though they have to be proactive questions as opposed to defeating questions. It is also possible your subconscious is protecting you at this time. As odd as it sounds from what I understand our subconscious still gains something from the dream even if our conscious self doesn't remember. I don't know if that could ever be proven but that is what I read somewhere.
  12. Well that makes sense and it is normal to feel worry after such a dream. They can seem very real and hard to tell if it was a premonition or not. Though what I have found is when it is a premonition there is generally a feeling of acceptance and knowing that comes with the dream. It's just there because our inner self knows the plan even if our human self has no clue. Well at least that has been the case for me.
  13. I would say yes, you can turn this around but it will take work and persistence and above all patience. You have a habit of responding to life by shutting down. It is not surprising considering your early childhood. But with some mindfulness in paying attention to how you respond to life, what is your internal dialogue saying you can flip the script so to speak. It won't happen over night but you can get there if you really set it as a goal. A good therapist may help you tremendously to achieve this or do some research on cognitive therapy and find some good books. I wish you the best of luck and happy days ahead.
  14. Hmm, this is interesting. I think some part of me died recently. Parts of us are always dying off. As much as we fight to keep the status quo and resist change it really is just an illusion. The truth is we are always changing. Who you are is not who you were even one year ago. Things happen and your thoughts and beliefs shift. Sometimes towards a positive end and sometimes towards a negative end. The idea is to try to catch the negative thinking and turn it around before it becomes habit. And for most of us we also need to dig down to find the thoughts that are buried that we have no clue are wreaking havoc on our life. This is where dreams come in real handy. I had a dream about 6 months ago that I committed suicide. Well that is what it felt like in the dream. I was standing on a crane in the middle of the ocean and I jumped to what I thought was my death and basically stated to I don't know who, please help my boyfriend understand. It really shook me up but what it really meant was that I was going to dive headlong into allowing myself to have emotions. Water symbolizes emotions so a part of me did die. The part that had to suppress my emotions to be able to function died off in exchange for someone over her head with emotions but because I have very little skills at managing them it was has been a terrifying thing to do and I guess it also means I may get a bit more emotional with my boyfriend as well. Well I do hope the part of you that died off was one that needed to go.
  15. Just try to keep in mind that dreams firstly are very over dramatized for effect. Secondly the symbols and events that occur in dreams may not always be literal. Like for instance death in a dream rarely means actual death but rather the end of a certain aspect of ourselves or our lives so try to look at the whole story of the dream overall and what is going on in your life to sort out what the symbols are trying to say. Dreams tend to be very immediate so things that just happened recently or of things we are worrying about in the future. I know it is hard when they are intense but they really are just trying to draw our attention to the things in our life that need attention and sorting out. Though in cases of trauma and ptsd there could be an element of rehashing the trauma but for the most part our dreams really are there to help us understand ourselves, fears and worries better.
  16. I did a search on google on depression. When I first fell into severe depression 3 years ago and was doing research I actually found a different mental health site but there wasn't a lot of conversation going on so I didn't stick around and muddled my way through on my own. More recently I was researching again and found this one and find it extremely supportive. I wish I had found it earlier on but happy to have found it now. Everyone here seems really nice.
  17. I definitely fall into the cognitive category. I would say I engage in most of them. I had a father who criticized a lot so I became a perfectionist to try to please him but even my wins, the times I thought I did well in his eyes I could have gotten hurt so I started to fear making any sort of attempts at life. It definitely made me very self conscious. He also yelled a lot which frightened me so now when I get angy I fear myself. This said, my father was never physical and he really did have my best interests at heart. Quite frankly he raised me how he was raised so he thought he was helping and never learned how to properly cope with life so I can't expect him to be able to teach me so I harbor no ill will but it did mess my head up pretty good. But I am starting to sort it out which feels pretty good trying to stop the negative coping responses and it's helping. Old habits die hard but I'm making progress. Great poll
  18. I was always generally depressed but it was managable until something in my life triggered a very severe depression where I turned on myself quite profoundly. My emotions went completely out of control and I was bound and determined to destroy myelf. It has been really hard to come back from this but there are a few things that have helped me first of all survive and a few other things that are helping me understand and move past it. When I first crashed into the severe depression I just instinctually started to write in a journal. I think I have maybe 15 of them now spanning 3 and a half years. The journals are very dark but it felt like a good way to get out the upset and hear what my thoughts and emotions were trying to tell me and what was interesting was after a while, when I was done writing out one of my tirades about myself or life I noticed that I started to write a counter arguement as well. If I gave myself enough time to let it out and then sit quietly without acting my subconscious would break through and try to give me a pep talk. The second thing that happened and this may or may not seem odd but I got song lyrics that would pop up in my head. I probably should have sought out professional help but I was terrifed of this coming out and being institutionallized so the song lyrics actually helped inspire me to keep moving on. Whenever I was super troubled a lyric would pop into my head and I would try to embrace it to help me keep going. And finally I let myself have emotional breakdowns. I would isolate myself from everyone and just scream, cry and yell my head off until I wore myself out. I am not sure how healthy that was to do but I always supressed my emotions which just led to high anxiety on a regular basis. By allowing my emotions a safe enviornment to be let out I found myself less scared to have them. I actually spent most of my life fearing them so it was quite scary that they were so intense but I also learned that I could suvive them which in turn became liberating. And crying really does help me release the self hatred. I probably cried for 3 years straight but now I only cry when I feel stuck emotions and it really does help clear them out. I still surpress when I am around others because quite frankly to function in the world you have to but giving myself the permission to have an emotional metldown in a private setting helped me to learn how to walk through my emotions. I guess I had to allow them a voice for me to begin to start to learn how to manage them, something I was never taught as a child which I see now created a person very poor at coping with life. Those were a few of the things that helped me survive myself. The things that have helped me move forward and give me hope that this will turn around one day is I first took dream work very seriously. As well in my journals are my dreams. I spend a lot of time interpreting them and seeing what my subconscious is trying to relay to me. I have found if I ask questions before bed I get the best dream recall and the most valuable insights from my dreams. I have been so persistent about it that I even now will just wake up saying something as a message to myself. I really do think our dreams help us to pinpoint what we are thinking and feeling but can't quite see in our waking life. This can take a lot of effort to get into the practice of writing them down and understanding our own personal symbolism but is well worth the effort. I also foud a place to talk online. As I said, I am trying to keep this from anyone I know so I found it invaluable that I had a place to bounce ideas and thoughts off of others. I didn't find this place until late and avoided it because I didn't want to get triggered but found talking to strangers really helped me to be honest with what I was feeling without the stigma or worry what the other person would think. I don't think it is a good replacement for sound professional help but it worked in my case. Finally what has always been a big help for me is reading. Finding any and all books I could on depression and emotions helped me to get a grasp on why I fell off the cliff emotionally. I haven't read them all and some only partially but one really good book I highly recommend is Choosing To Live by Thomas Ellis and Cory Newman. This book really helped me to separate my thoughts, feelings and emotions and see where my behavior and response to life came from. In my case my Dad. But the book really helped me to finally see that I can conquer my over the top emotional meltdowns. I really finally feel by following its guidance I will hopefully turn my response to life around permanantly to a much better way to cope with life. I am still having an emotional response to life and my triggers but I am doing a much better job reframing my internal dialogue and it is helping to lessen the severity of the emotional meltdowns. In time I will hopefully turn my thinking around for good. But I guess the biggest thing I found was that I let my instincts take me where they needed to go to do the things I needed to do to first suvive myself and second undestand myself. So as the other poster stated, what works for one may not work for all so just let you instincts guide you to what will help you sort through your troubles. Contrary to how we may feel our instincts know what is best for us. So follow them if you can.
  19. Thank you Nopawn. That is kind of you to say. I sent him a message trying to give him a chance to just talk about anything else but will also send him a note that he need not see this as his only option. He can change his mind at any moment and no one has to be the wiser. I appreciate all the advice everyone has given.
  20. I always had generalized depression but was able to keep it in check I think partly because I denied my emotions. When I couldn't do that anymore my depression got a bit out of hand but without starting to feel the emotions I was never able to make the connection between what I was thinking was affecting how I was feeling. I journaled as others have suggested and tried to be mindful of the cognitive triangle that Epictitus spoke of. I now try to pay attention to what my body feels like so I can desrcibe the emotion. I also try to pay attention to my internal dialogue because the dialogue will have an impact on how I feel in the future. My big stumbling block is making mistakes. If I make one I get agitated and start to talk down about myself which leads to a very low self opinion and subsequently becoming tearful and depressed. The same happens when I am in a situation that hinders me from moving forward like traffic. Anytime I feel trapped I get very upset and agitated and angry which can be pretty obvious even if you are not in touch with your emotions but what I didn't realize is that getting angry itself was upsetting me. I felt low self worth because I interpret anger to be bad. This really makes driving a bit difficult for me because it isn't the initial anger at traffic that truly upsets me but how being angry makes me feel like a bad person. But I had to spend a lot of time being mindful of what I was physically feeling and what my internal dialogue was saying to get to the root of it. Journalling did help this come out as well. So for me the cognitive cycle really seems to apply. And to be honest I think being a cognitive thinking person gave me a leg up. Being purely analytical about things prior to allowing my emotions expression helped me to more objectively think about what was happening to me when my emotions started to spiral out of control. So it isn't a bad thing that you are a thinker. Just use this skill to learn to be mindful of your body and internal dialogue.
  21. He wanted to take the cat with him but I convinced him that wasn't a good idea and then I asked him what his plans were to see to it that the cat was cared for when he left and wasn't left to fend for itself too long. He never responded to the question. I am hoping when his planned date comes seeing the cat will change his mind. I guess I partly wonder about being overly pushy. We don't know each other so I am trying to not be too demanding but more an open platform for him to talk but he isn't saying much but I do see he stops by a couple of times a day to the site so that is a good sign I think. I will ask again if he made any plans for the cat.
  22. Thanks. I think you make a good point. I think the decision gave him some relief or out. Hopefully when the time comes he thinks twice. He didn't say why he planned a specific date but maybe that is a good sign he is contemplating. I appreciate your reply.
  23. I have come across someone online on another site who is planning a suicide. I am not a mental health professional so I am really just going by my own experience with my own depression to try and help this person but I am not sure I am getting through. They seem pretty set in their decision though they do show concern for their cat as well they intend to leave a message for their family but see themselves as quite mean and depraved, They think life isn't working out so the solution is to leave. I have asked them why they feel they need to end their life as well what other options they have looked at without a response. I have encouraged them to checkout some books, call suicide hotlines and seek professional help but I get the sense they are pretty defeated to the point of acceptance. I have encouraged them to try and look at all angles and options and even what will transpire after their death spiritually for him and physically for his family but I really am not totally sure what else I could ask. I am getting very little from him and wanted to know if anyone had any ideas of questions that seem to help spark a deeper conversation with someone planning their suicide. I do realize that it is ultimately his responsibility if he goes through with it but just wanted to make sure I did everything I could to maybe change his mind. Thanks.
  24. My depression definitely seeped into my dreams. I am constantly in the bathroom, have storms and earthquakes and am in fights with people but I have actually used my dreams to help sort things out for myself. They are your subconscious way to communicate so try not to look at them as a curse but as a way of communicating what your feelings can't during your waking hours. If you ever have one you would like help with I can give you my thoughts on it. Just send me a message.
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