Jump to content


Senior Member
  • Posts

  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by Michelle38

  1. I'm not sure how typical this is either, but this happens to me at least once a day (I more than likely have BP though). I can only describe it as like an emotional sugar high, I'll be so happy and just in a "I love everyone/everything" kinda mood and then its just like someone removes a veil from in front of my eyes and all of a sudden I go back to a more realistic attitude towards the world. Yeah that's true; the dialogue you use can be a major problem. One weird thing I found to be true about the dialogue you use is that you have to sort of keep it balanced out and not feed yourself too much hope. I overshot that midway point I was referring to and wasn't bashing myself anymore, but I was torturing myself just as much by just focusing on things that could/did give me hope; if that makes sense. I have never been diagnosed but suspect I may have mild bp because when I am in a good phase or extra up I am happy and excited and think things will always be great and I tend to move fast, talk a mile a minute and people can find it difficult to follow me but it isn't manic or anything like that. I did have some sort of illusion of grander I guess but not in an unrealistic sense. But this was something completely different, pure peace is only how I can describe it. There was no resistance, I was OK with everything. It was like I switched in an instant from being a pessimist to an optimist and feeling pure love and then back again in an instant from an optimist to a pessimist and feeling pure defeat and profound sadness which was a pretty crushing blow I will say and really kicked in self blame. I really don't understand it but maybe some form of bp but not the classic kind that I researched online. Maybe I should start a thread and see if it has happened to anyone else. But it wasn't mood related it really was my whole state of being shifted. But I totally get the having too much hope and overshooting your expectations. I kind of always think, well now that I have it all sorted out in my head then my behavior should follow and when it doesn't or when I crash again pretty hard it's pretty devastating but I am learning to not talk down to myself anymore and it is helping tremendously.
  2. They say that happiness can not be found by looking outside of ourselves and there is truth to that. It could possibly be part of your dissatisfaction with life but I suspect that generalized depression has robbed you of your ability to get there. Even if we haven't experienced severe depression, any level of depression can run in the background our whole lives undermining our best efforts to be happy. And if this is the case I would say try and pay attention to the dialogue you use. You might be surprised to find some defeating talk and low expectations about what any new endeavor will bring to your life. When I was young I had this very odd feeling that I would do something really great with my life. I thought for sure I was going to go out and change the world or do something just magnificent. That didn't happen. What happened is I wound up in an ordinary life that ran along OK until I got sidelined by severe depression. And when I had to look at what my internal dialogue was saying I was quite surprised to find out how defeating it really was. As much as I thought I was going to accomplish great things there was always this tendency for me to keep life at arms length. I was in it participating but never fully engaging with full abandon. There was this dead feeling that wasn't overwhelming but I just never really could get all that excited about life. And it turns out my thoughts about myself were the main cause of it. So just take some time to reflect on how you speak about your self and your world. If you can maybe work out your depression you may find enjoyment in other things. But in general I have found that life never really lives up to the hype you see on TV. A lot of it is really mundane and we do need to focus on what is right about our world as opposed to all that is wrong about it to truly be happy. I am not sure how typical this is but I did have a period in my life of absolute peace and acceptance. I am not exactly sure what happened but I was stressed to the point of almost having a nervous breakdown when I snapped but in a good way. One day I was super stressed and the next I was at peace about almost everything. I still wasn't engaging life as much as one should but I was at peace about not engaging. This was until something in my life triggered me to crash into an even more severe depression than I had even known when I was young. I have no clue why this happened to me, going back and forth to such extremes but I do definitely see that my thinking when I was in peace was of acceptance of everything that came my way and while in severe depression it was of resistance of all life. I do suspect there is some brain chemistry at play but a big part I can see in how I was feeling was rooted in the dialogue I was using. In any event, I do hope you are able to sort it out and find brighter days soon.
  3. I am sorry to hear you are hurting. If you are at all suicidal please call one of the numbers scrolling above to help you get past any crisis. The thing I noticed from your post is that you have gotten yourself into a position of being overwhelmed but maybe are not sure how to back off on something. I would say rate your activities by priority and ask yourself truthfully do you need to do all of them. Can you let some of them go. School is important for your future but do you need a full load? Do you really need to help out with the campaign? There is no shame in telling your friends that you now have doubts in your ability to help out with your load as it stands and you simply must bow out for your health and well being. If they are true friends they will understand, and if not, then maybe you don't want them as friends anyways. Work is a bit trickier but sometimes we make assumptions about things without really discussing it with our superiors. If you feel you can, maybe speak to your boss about some of your concerns about your upcoming full school load and that you are concerned about meeting all your obligations and see what they have to say. I know it can be hard to speak up but sometimes we have to do it to keep ourselves afloat. Best of luck getting this worked out and please hang in there.
  4. People who have anxiety get emotionally overloaded very easy. Kids naturally run at very high energy. This kicks in our already racing feelings even further so it is not unreasonable for you to be uncomfortable around kids. When I was young before I really was ever around many babies or kids because I was a kid myself my best friend's mother said to me, you will be the first one to get married and have kids and I blurted out, no I won't. I was actually pretty surprised by the comment because what little girl doesn't dream of the happy marriage, family and white picket fence but this came from I don't know where. Then a few years later a friend asked me to sub for her babysitting job. It was a baby who would not stop crying and it overwhelmed me to the point I was terrified I would hurt the child. I called my friend and demanded that she come and take over. I never watch another baby again. And I didn't have much luck with older children either so you are not being unreasonable, we just aren't wired to handle all the chaos and extra energy. It sends ours over the edge. The other thing I will say is it sounds like you are being discounted in your family. Maybe because you are male and aren't supposed to make a fuss but it is very disrespectful to take your room without asking your permission. The one thing I read in one of the books on depression is that a lot of times people with depression and high emotions tend to come from environments that are invalidating. My father was super critical to the point even my wins were judged so I just naturally developed the self image that I was a failure and would always fail. Couple that with being unable to control my emotions and you are asking for trouble. Your feelings and wants are completely disregarded and that has to hurt and very well created a bit of a low self image. There isn't anything you necessarily have to do about this except remind yourself that your wants and desires are just as important as your sister's and their children. You can chose to express this to your family if you like but most importantly is you have to start believing and living true to you. You are worthy of respect and consideration. Always remember that.
  5. Well for one thing this is a fresh loss so you do have to give yourself some time to work through your grief. As well, him ignoring you is very hurtful. On top of breaking off the friendship to shut you out like that is very demeaning. It would crush just about anyone especially those that just unfortunately have stronger emotions than other people so try not to beat yourself up. Maybe do something to distract yourself. Go online somewhere that you enjoy if you can. Take a walk in a different part of the building and look out the window for a while reminding yourself you will get past this. You can get past this. Hang strong. This person does not define you. You will be just fine without him, you will see one day.
  6. I think this is pretty common. I know for me I can completely struggle with absolute confusion about why I am feeling the way I am. During a 2 year period of being severely depressed I just remember constantly saying to myself, to no one, to god, to I don't know who that I just don't understand. This may be much more prevalent for people who don't have a strong reason to point to. No major trauma in our life to say, yes that is why I am this way, it makes sense, but there are reasons we just can't see them through the confusion. But looking back, if I am to be totally honest, there has always been a lot of emotion bubbling under the surface I just did my very very best to suppress it and got very good until I couldn't suppress anymore I guess. This said, I am very thankful to say after much soul searching the past 3 years I am starting to understand myself better, why I react the way I do and where it all possibly came from but there is definitely a sense that this isn't real. A denial you might say, not wanting to admit there are mental health issues. I am really not as messed up as it appears sometimes. I don't want to believe it and I don't want it to mess up my life if I can at all prevent that from happening. I know when I am not depressed I don't feel like I will ever crash again but when it happens I feel like I will never get past it and yet I always do. I would like to say with all my soul searching that I will triumph and reach a time when I will never ever get depressed or suicidal again but I have to be realistic as well. I have very strong emotional reactions to life. Some of us are just hard-wired to have stronger than normal emotions. So though I am working on my cognitive thinking, especially trying to stop any self demeaning behavior, I still have to accept that I will have strong emotions. But I am learning it isn't the end of the world. Having experienced a high level of them for over 3 years on a constant basis has, if anything, afforded me the knowledge that I can survive them and not destroy myself even if I feel I want to so that was a bit liberating. And so I am trying to move forward watching my internal dialogue, changing it around when it gets negative and self abusive and simply being OK with having strong emotions in the first place. They won't destroy me contrary to what I use to believe and I don't have to let them define me. In any event, try to do your best to not belittle yourself if you can't Snap Out of It. It is the worst thing we can do to ourselves. You are not weak you are just grappling with strong emotions that not everyone has. And also maybe try to pay a bit more attention to your internal dialogue. When it happens and what is it say to maybe begin to understand what your trigger are and how you are viewing yourself so that you can start to turn things around. It can be difficult work but it is helping me.
  7. I am not able to give you any advice on a move outside the country as I live in the US as well but will say it is important you learn how to not get down on yourself. if you get down on yourself now you will continue to do so no matter where you live. So set some goals for what you want to do and add learning how to have better self talk as one of them. Find a good therapist to help you learn new self care tools or even just see what kind of books you can find online. It does sound like the limited opportunities in your town are getting you down but you do want to learn how to lift yourself up when the going gets tough if you want to make the best of such a big change. Best of luck.
  8. I have never been hospitalized so I can't give you advice in that area but will say it takes quite a while to turn a habit around. You say you learned new coping skills, better self talk, the challenge now is to put them into practice. You will slip up, you will feel bad but just keep going back to the things you learned and just do them even if you don't necessarily feel them. Who cares if the apartment is a mess, it isn't the end of the world. Focus on giving yourself a break and refrain from talking down to yourself. With time new habits will start to take over. If you feel you are in any way pushing yourself and making yourself feel worse then try to let go of any expectations you have on yourself. The idea is to be more of a cheerleader for ourselves than a harsh critic. You made the best choice you could ever make reaching out for help when you knew you needed it. Be proud of taking that step and know the rest will just take time and persistence to achieve but you can do it. Stay strong.
  9. Mistakes are my Achilles Heel. My perception is that they are life altering and cause great disruption and distress for me. It took a while for me to realize that my sense of self was being defined by them or rather this need to not make them. I have spent my whole life watching my every move trying to not mess up and it had been quite stressful and exhausting. But when I inevitably make one, because you quite frankly can't avoid them no matter how hard you try and try and try, it can cause me to turn on myself quite fiercely to the point at times I just want to tear myself to bits. Though I am happy to say I am learning how to cope a bit better now. I first off finally saw that this stemmed from how I was raised. My father was extremely critical to the point even my wins were met with a judgment. So not only did I develop a sense that I could not do much right, I have virtually no self confidence because even my wins were judged. From that perspective how is a person ever to feel good about themselves. Essentially what happened is that my whole existence became invalidated and as a consequence I had little value for myself, developed a lot of self blame and a belief that I would never amount to anything even to the point of believing I didn't deserve to exist. So yes, I completely understand where you are coming from and it is a very very hard habit to break but the first step I am trying and it does seem to be helping is when I make a mistake and feel the upset taking over I make a very determined effort to at least not call myself any names. I let myself be upset but refuse to blame myself and put myself down and repeat as much as needed that it was just a mistake. I actually just had to do that today and it really did help keep me from spiraling into self loathing. But we get triggered a lot because life isn't perfect so it will take some time to overcome the tendency but from what I understand it can be turned around. So just try to take a look at your life and see if there is anyone in it that invalidates you. Refuse to accept the behavior in others and in yourself. I actually made peace with my father years ago. I came to realize that he raised me how he was raised and in his eyes he really thought he had my best interests at heart. He was trying to look out for me but when I tried to talk to him about it he really could not comprehend what I was saying and at that point I realized he really was too deep in his own critical mind that he wasn't trying to be mean he just undermined my self worth without really realizing it. But just because I made peace with him didn't heal the damage that was done to my mental health. And this is something I have to repair which I am doing a little bit at a time. I think you can too if you just take some time to be mindful of your internal dialogue, especially when you make a mistake and simply refuse to call yourself names cause we really are being grossly unfair to ourselves and we deserve better. Well anyways, you found a great place to talk this out. I just found this place myself and wish I had found it sooner. I spent a good 2-3 years trying to annihilate myself and could have used this place much sooner. The people here are very supportive and helpful. Hang in there and please don't beat yourself up anymore. It is time for us to stop.
  10. Thanks Jarj, I am better now. You can disregard. Lost money doesn't really bother me it is mistakes that get me but I had a good cry over it and I realize I just need to make a better system for myself so I don't miss billing a project this year. Thanks for your thoughts.
  11. My work situation is complicated and I just found out I made a mistake and forgot to bill out a job last year that is costing me to loose $1,000. I know money isn't important it's just why couldn't it have been a smaller job. I can't bill it back now that the new year has started. I am trying hard not to call myself names. It's not important, it's not important, it's not important. Mistakes hit me hard. I have to go cry now.
  12. I am so sorry to hear you were given the insurance run around for your rmeds. That is just terrible and wrong in my opinion. It definitely would have made me sink even lower as well the psychiatrist brushing you off would have sent me even deeper. Life is disregarding you and it hurts beyond measure. I will say though that there is a difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist. A psychiatrist treats mental health illness from the perspective of problems with the brain. From what I understand, at least in the states, they don't do therapy that much anymore because insurance companies don't want to pay their higher rates. They mostly just try to manage symptoms by prescribing meds. What you may want to look into is a psychologist who can work with you from a therapy perspective. You may need the meds to help elevate your mood but finding a professional to talk through your feelings, racing thoughts and beliefs is super important to breaking a pattern that sends us spiraling into depression. It sounds like you may suffer from self blame and low self worth. It is a profoundly painful place to find yourself and life always seem to reinforce it and make it worse but there is still hope. With a little bit of work to try and understand your thought processes you may be able to turn this around and find happiness again. Regardless of your next steps please do stop by here often if only to just get it all out. Many of us have been where you are and can relate. Everyone is super supportive. Stay strong.
  13. No one is going to judge you here. You are in a safe place to say what you need to say. I do suggest reaching for the phone first before making any further attempts but we do completely understand what you are going through. Can I ask if your psychotic breaks have been addressed by a doctor? Have you been tested for schizophrenia? I am not a doctor but some of the symptoms you mention may point to it. From what I understand the right medicines can help tremendously with that condition. In any event, I agree that making someone feel guilty about wanting to leave will only make them feel worse. You are right, who is being more selfish. But on another note with the right combination of meds you do have an opportunity to have a chance at a happy life one day so hang in there and talk it out here as much as you need to. The people here are super supportive and can relate. In the end the main thing most of us struggle with is the pain. It can be very unbearable and all we want is for it to stop but things do change with time. And suicide isn't the only answer to alleviate the pain. Hang in there. We are all there for you.
  14. That's funny. With all this music talk I had a dream about a being in a big music number singing Aretha Franklin's Think with a bunch of ghosts. The ghosts sang well, me not so much. Too funny.
  15. Yes, I have felt that way too. I don't have any big glaring tragedy in my life to point to for why I get depressed and over emotional so I wind up blaming myself for all of it. I must be flawed then it proves to me. But coming here I have learned that some of us are just wired to have stronger emotional reactions to life than others and as such our brains are taking over. I agree with the other poster. If your meds are not helping maybe think about changing or adding another, as well consider talk therapy if you can. Books on cognitive thinking have helped me. The idea is to try and catch the negative thoughts about our self and our world and turn them around to something more positive and encouraging. Sort of learning to be our own best coach.
  16. That makes total sense because when I am not having an extreme emotional reaction I can catch and shift my thoughts pretty easy but when the emotional reaction is out of control the shifting is not going to happen. I just hang on and try not to hurt myself or anyone else and then have to spend a lot of time digging myself out of the dark mood it puts me in. So I really need to look at it as two different approaches based on how I am behaving in the moment. Very helpful for me. Thanks.
  17. Among the self blame and self hate and extreme emotions, making everything a life or death emergency is something I did as well. Coming here has really opened my eyes to the fact I was pretty blissfully ignorant to the extent of my mental health issues. That said, I do see that I have made some progress in overcoming some of them, the anxiety and urgency, so that is good. But man this stuff is hard. Well this place is doing a good job helping me see all the pieces of my life coming together. That's a good thing.
  18. You have my full support. These things are very difficult to surmount so just be gentle with yourself. I have also found making small changes at a time helps the changes stick but in this case it sounds like you may need to reset your body clock. You may be sleepy as you readjust but with time it will get better. Hang in there.
  19. I don't know that I have any suggestions but just want to say be gentle with yourself. If you are tired it is OK to rest. Our bodies actually need more rest in the winter to build up a tolerance to the cold. But regardless there are worse things in life than not completing your to do list. The worst thing you can do is beat yourself up about it. It is impossible to live up to a superwoman self image. You got way more accomplished than I did. I shoveled snow and had something to eat. That's about it. Anyways from what I understand the winter blahs are very common and coming off all the joy and bustle of the holidays is a big let down so I believe you are just supposed to do whatever you want to lift your spirits or give you energy. if that is laying down for a a few more hours then so be it. Take care of you.
  20. Yes, the same here on both fronts. My list is very sappy and sentimental. I find crying it out helps a lot. I also love Pink Floyd's The Wall. It is by far my favorite album ever. I am generally a song person, I like particular songs but that album the whole thing is a masterpiece to me.
  21. Thanks Vivian, Could always use a song that makes you dance like a crazy person. My favorite one for that right now is Party Hard by Andrew W.K.
  22. No worries djmixer. Mine is long too. Ok, need to go check out that last one.
  23. I think you just are looking to escape the intense anxiety you are feeling. It's a better way to cope then to reach for a drink in my opinion. I wouldn't fret too much unless you start to check out on a regular basis and neglect your obligations. It doesn't sound like that is happening. This said, I would talk with the therapist about ways to try and learn to walk through the anxiety. if you can work that out for yourself a bit you may find your instinct to disappear, disappear.
  24. Hold onto that cat until this phase has passed. They do love us so dearly. I am glad to hear it went well with the doctor. He sounds like a good man. Stay strong.
  • Create New...