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Everything posted by Michelle38

  1. I am glad to hear that. Obviously guilt and self-blame is where I have to draw my line.
  2. Did I forget to mention that I spent 2 years in severe depression with every fiber of my being feeling bound and determined to destroy myself and not being able to implode on the spot was excruciating. I was definitely angry about it, angry at feeling that way and not being able to do anything about it, angry at life, god, the world but I survived it and it did not last forever. It's a really difficult place to find youself but you can survive this. I really think it is normal to be angry about it all. Who would choose to feel that badlly by choice. It will get better.
  3. It helps to know it helped you. I just have a really hard time if there is any hint of an idea that I caused anyone unnecessary pain even if it was inadvertent. I will leave it for now but I do hope everyone knows I only had the best intentions starting it. It was not intended to make people feel worse about themselves. I only ever want to lift people, not pull them down and I struggle if I think that happened.
  4. I think this thread was a mistake. The last thing I want to do is ever make anyone's depression worse. I can go headlong into things sometimes not really seeing the whole picture. I am sorry if this thread caused any extra undue stress to anyone. I need to learn to shut up sometimes. I am going to try and have the thread pulled.
  5. The very most important thing you can do is not define this as a fault of yours, that there is something wrong with you. That is simply not true. The issue is with him but definitely take time to grieve the hurt. These things don't happen over night.
  6. Do you have a therapist? It sounds like you may need some help and tools to learn how to redirect your thoughts. I know my thoughts race right as I go to bed. It takes me a good half hour before I fall to sleep. I sometimes have to sing myself a lullaby to get the thoughts to stop. You might also want to try to see if meditation might help. A guided meditation may help you keep your mind focused on the meditation as opposed to your own thoughts. Do it often enough you may find it easier to turn the racing thoughts off. But definitely consider seeing a therapist to try and work through the fears you are having. Talk therapy can sometimes be a great help. Take care.
  7. Considering your family history I would think your mother would be conscious of the severity of the situation. Have you discussed with her your concern? I would see if you can get a new appointment with the doctor before you go, see if they can fit you in somewhere since you are about to leave the area. if not maybe have your mother try to work out and approval for you to see someone near your college. Generally if we need to go out of network it can be covered so long as prior approval is made. Have her check the policy and see what doctors and therapists may accept the type of insurance you have. I have to believe there is a way to get insurance coverage out of state. It may take a bit of leg work but it isn't impossible but most importantly you need to be very frank with your mother about your concerns. School can be stressful and it is best you not have the added pressure of dealing with depression on your own. There has to be a way to get you help so ask your mother to help sort out the doctor/insurance end of things. Until then keep this site handy to come and talk about what you need to get out. I have found it a very safe supportive place with some really nice people. And have a hotline with you handy in case you fall into crisis. Just knowing there is a lifeline to turn to can help ease the fear a bit. Best of luck getting to see a doctor, just be as open with your mother as you can. Take care.
  8. Oh lord, a suicide, that for sure can be a big trigger for our own suicidal thoughts even if we only contemplate it and never intend to go through with it. I was super triggered by Robin Willimams' suicide. It is difficult to be confronted with it, almost makes it seem hopeless to keep fighting. I know I don't intend to suicide but I get kind of jealous when I hear about deaths on the news. A part of me wants it to have been me. And these are generally even unpleasant deaths and I still want it to have been me. But I know my being gone would tear a number of people apart and now that I am starting to get some personal clarity my situation doesn't seem so hopeless at the moment. So the idea that the pain won't last forever is true. As for how to handle working through this you know what is best for you. The things that have helped me most are journaling, books, dream work and talking, usually online to strangers. So just follow where your instincts lead you to get the answers you need. For me, working through all of this,I found the most important element is to never stop asking questions. Even if I keep asking the same question over and over again, the asking keeps me in a place of searching for answers as opposed to acceptance and giving up. I guess I am lucky in the sense I have a very active mind and can't help myself. I have been so fed up with it all at times I would have a little hissy fit and declare I am not going to ask any more questions of life and myself. I give up I decry, but then the next day there I go again trying like heck to sort out why. Even though I get stuck in circular thinking with this approach I eventually find the exit point. So I would say do definitely pursue the therapist and try not to fret over not having any tears. It isn't a flaw or anything it is just there is a reason and talking with the therapist they may have a better idea why or they can help you find out why if it is something that is important to you. The most important thing is getting help working through the pain in whatever way works for you. Yes, one day one moment at a time if that is what it takes.
  9. As a note to everyone, drawing the line in the sand and making the declaration may not be something that comes to you immediately. It may take some time for you to formulate it and it could be a matter of when we finally say enough is enough of being treated a certain way and that unfortunately happens in our own time even if we mentally would like to push it faster. So no need to force anything. it is a good thing to ponder on every once in a while especially when we feel like we are struggling with something. Vivian, you were very coherent.
  10. Usually when I flip into a rage it isn't because I want to, I can't control it and it terrifies me. So not sure how many people actually think it makes them powerful. it is actually a coping mechanism when someone feels threatened in some way, perceived or not, whether it be for their safety or ego but it is still a response to feeling threatened in some way. Granted maybe with general anger people have found it useful for getting their way or it even can just be a habit. My boss always seems angry the way she speaks but one time I made her really angry and I said, oh, that is your real anger. I think she has no clue how abrasive she can come off. She was raised by a military man. She seems to be trying to work on it. But I as well was never taught any really good coping skills as a child, angry or any other emotion, except to suppress which does build up in side.
  11. You make a good point. It is possible that we may slip up from time to time so I do not advocate beating yourself up if you do. If it happens just try to regroup and try to reestablish the line or maybe even amend it if necessary. But as for regretting establishing a line because bridges were burned that is understandable but just try to remember that the line was drawn for good reason so again do not beat yourself up if things change. You were doing what you thought was in your best interests and there is nothing wrong with that. it is a healthy thing to do. Even the lines drawn that do not have a healthier alternative attached to them still have value if the line we are drawing protects us from toxic situations.
  12. I wasn't quite sure how to answer the poll because in general I try to keep my anger and rage to myself but it is coming out more especially in the form of road rage. And then once it happens I then turn on myself. It really is a big source of my self-loathing. When I was younger I only flipped out in a rage on very rare occasions. I have one instance when I was in a blind rage at a cop of all people for giving me a ticket at the airport. I am very lucky I was not arrested and it really was like I snapped in an instant because prior to them writing the ticket I was completely at peace and relaxed but other than that I always try my best to suppress my anger instead choosing to try and only have conversations with those I am angry with after I have had a chance to calm down and walk through the anger. But the anger on the road got a bit out of control. And it just got worse after I fell into the severe depression to the point where I can get irrationally rageful at people. I am aware how irrational I am but am unable to stop the reactions which just gives me an incredibly low self-opinion. This said, I have now come to realize that anxiety is playing a big part in my emotional outbursts. I realize I was approaching the work commute from an anxious place from the moment I walked out the door and it is being in that anxious energy that makes us vulnerable to flipping out or melting down. Now that I am aware I am anxious about traffic and feeling like I am trapped I am going to see if I can try and head that off before it gets out of control and maybe I can stop my outbursts on the road. But that said, I do see that I have the potential to all of a sudden flip out in a rage but it rarely comes out at others beyond me screaming my head off in the car. My father yelled a lot, not mean things just yelled at us kids for acting up and it scared me so it is not surprising to me anger makes me uncomfortable and fearful of myself when it comes out of me. And so I beat myself up to try and avoid ever having it again. it doesn't work. In general though when it comes to others I like how I handle it. Since I can't express clearly when I am angry it is best I walk away and cool down first. The conversations usually go much better as a consequence. So I guess I am a little all over the map when it comes to anger. In general there is a fear of it.
  13. I am not a trained therapist so please do articulate all of this to them. I am sure they can help. But what I do notice from what you have said is that you seem to have some conflicting thoughts and feelings. You want friends but are afraid to get hurt. You want to socialize but people upset you sometimes so a part of you does and a part of you doesn't want to be around others. Having conflicting feelings and desires can definitely send us into depression and confusion. So I would say maybe take some time to think about what you really do and don't want out of companionship whether friends or romantic. Journaling this may be of great help as it will help you get it all down to see it on paper can help us to recognize where we need to go. I would also suggest trying to refrain from using alcohol to feel better. It can very easily turn into a crutch that may be very hard to shake. Like I said, try to do your best to do something else to lift your mood and definitely keep your promise to yourself to try the therapy. I really believe talking this out with a professional may be of great help to you. Take care and hang in there.
  14. I haven’t been here very long but coming here has helped me to see myself a bit better. The good and the bad, which is good because for a long time all I was seeing was the bad. What I have noticed is that we each have our own problem areas. Things in our life that challenge us and contribute to our depression. For me I see now relationships has not been one of them. I have had my fair share of being taken advantage of or being kicked to the curb by a guy but I never took it personal. I saw it always as a reflection of the other person and not because there was something wrong with me or I deserved to be treated poorly. But what I realized beyond that, when it came to relationships, if I got hurt by one it inspired me to draw a line in the sand. Drawing a line in the sand is when you make a stand and decide to not tolerate something anymore. It is a pledge to ourselves and is most beneficial when we approach it from a flexible stand point. After being hurt we can draw a line in the sand and say chose to swear off all friends or having a relationship with a companion or we can make a rule and be a bit more specific about what we will and will not tolerate in our lives trying to remain open to bringing things and people in our life that are healthy for us. For example, when my friends growing up proved that they were only concerned about their own needs and were never there for me when I needed them regardless of how little I ever needed them compared to how often I was always there for them I drew a line in the sand upon going into high school breaking off our friendships. But I didn’t swear off all friends, I made a declaration that I don’t need or want friends that are only concerned about themselves. I will wait to find a friend who is mutually as caring for me as I would be to them. I will say it took quite a few years to find that kind of person but they did show up and we have been best friends ever since. And then more like her showed up. As well when I fell head over heels in love with a guy in high school who then subsequently dumped me a few months later I was devastated but it did not crush me because I knew the issue was his and not mine. But rather than swear off all men I drew a line in the sand and made a declaration that what I really want in a relationship is for it to be a mutual partnership. Someone to share my life with who enjoys my company as much as I enjoy theirs and a number of years later he showed up. What is key here in both instances is that I didn’t close the door. I made a decision that I would not allow people to treat me poorly anymore but also left the door open for ones who did fit what I wanted to come through. It is normal for us to put our foot down when something in our life causes us pain and sadness but the key to not letting the experience drag us down is to make sure we also focus on how we deserve to be treated and what we want to make us happy. Refusing to allow things in our life that cause us pain while still remaining open to something healthier coming to us in return. It is also important to be patient. Life moves at its own pace so if your drawn line doesn’t produce immediate results just trust that it will one day because it will it can just take some time for things to align for us but it doesn’t mean it won’t happen. So what kinds of lines in the sand have you drawn and what kinds do you need to draw? Remember if you do this to not only state what you don’t want in your life anymore but to also declare what you do, preferably something that serves your better good. For me my challenge is not in relationships with others but in my relationship with myself. I engage in a lot of self-blame about my mistakes and behavior. I can be quite brutal on myself and it has to stop. So I think I obviously need to draw a line in the sand about how I treat myself. I am not exactly sure how to articulate it just yet but it needs to be done. I deserve to not hate myself anymore. Once I have formulated it I will post it here.
  15. You need not be embarrassed to express anything to your therapist. It is advisable that you do indeed let them know your deepest thoughts so you can try to get to the root of your depression. You definitely sound depressed and depression robs us of our optimism. Yes, life is very mundane a lot of the times but we toil and work hard to have those special moments to remember. They actually make those moments more memorable and special. But at this point therapy may very well help you uncover the thoughts and feelings that are keeping you from seeing any hope for a happy life. I would ask you to refrain from taking and drugs until you have had some sessions with your therapist. You may also want to consider trying to cut down on the drinking. It seems as though you may be using it as a mood stabilizer but it is actually a depressant and can make a down mood worse. There are other things we can do to try and lift our moods like watch a funny movie, read, exercise, listen to music that moves us. That said, you are an adult and should decide for yourself if your drinking is starting to impact your well being. I would definitely discuss your drinking habits with your therapist, how much and how often you do it. In any event, try to be kind and gentle with yourself. You have depression and that will color your world and just about everything in including how we feel about ourselves. It is not an easy thing to deal with and get past on our own so I applaud you for taking the initiative to make plans with a therapist. Sometimes just talking this out is all we need to turn things around. Yes, things seem bleak and hopeless and pointless right now but it might surprise you one day to find that you don't think like that anymore once you have had a chance to sort your head out. So hang in there and really stay the course and give the therapy a chance to see if it can help. Stay strong. Things will get better.
  16. I think this is a known phenomenon were people can very easily go into a trance while driving and forget they actually drove. I have definitely done this myself quite often though I haven't necessarily missed an exit or turn. It sounds like it is concerning you enough I think you should contact your doctor to discuss it with them. Some meds do have side effects that can affect a person's ability to drive so it is best whenever starting a new med if a concerning symptoms arises to contact the doctor. I suspect you are likely safe if you are not falling asleep or passing out because the study that discussed trance driving stated that our minds are capable of doing two things at once. Driving becomes second nature and then our minds wander. It is kind of akin to locking the door as you leave and forgetting that you did it. You do it so often you don't have to think about doing it any more. In regards to driving we are still in control even if we are daydreaming is what I got from the study but missing a turn may not be part of that equation so best to talk to your doctor about this.
  17. Yes, I agree with the others, very typical. When we shut down our emotions to cope with our negative feelings we also shut out the good emotions as well. One of the hardest things for me about falling into the severe depression was losing the ability to feel love. It feels like who we are is lost for good because of it. It's definitely a struggle but I do think it isn't lost for good contrary to what it may feel like. It just feels never ending while we are in that state. I hope you feel better soon.
  18. I completely understand. Even though I had a strong sense of knowing that suicide wasn't something I could do I was still down right terrified of myself and what I might do and terrified to talk about it too much because a part of me was trying to not admit that the desire was there so I kept to myself for two years until I was able to finally start putting some pieces to the puzzle together for myself. But the pain in your core is real and can be quite profoundly painful. After what I have been through I know what the true meaning of 'heartache' is. Emotions can hurt, I had no idea how badly. They can hurt something awful but they do ease up over time. And with time you may even begin to discover that they won't or can't really hurt you. They are uncomfortable and we obviously would rather they not be around but they are an expression of an inner pain that we need to work on releasing and suicide can seem like a welcome relief but it really isn't necessarily the best option to resolve the pain that is in actuality only temporary. You have suffered a lot of loss in a short amount of time. There is bound to be a lot of pain with that regardless if we have depression issues or not so I can imagine that the pain level you are feeling is exponential compared to someone who does not suffer from depression during a loss. But you are stronger than you may think and you can get through this. What I found was when the pain gets to an overwhelming point cry as much as you can to release as much pain as you can. Keep doing this until you don't need to cry anymore. It really can be very cathartic and release some of the stuck sorrow. Hang in there and talk it out as much as you need to. And maybe consider finding a support group on loss. I know a lot of hospitals have those kinds of groups available. Talking it out with others we are also dealing with loss may be of help to you.
  19. I totally get what you are saying. I am a very spiritual person and like to talk about spiritual stuff but I have no one in my life who is interested in that stuff so I spent a lot of time on an online forum for spirituality and it helped fill the void for my mind that I wasn't getting from the people in my life. And then my neighbor, who I knew but never really got close to, formed a group based in spirituality. I realized there is a whole network out there where you can find groups with similar interests in your area. I am not sure if we can give the name of another website so pm me if you are in the States and want the site. It really is a good way to find people who have similar interests. As for talking out your issues, I am finding this site to be very useful with a lot of very kind supportive people. So if you need to get out all that is bottled up inside this may be a good place to start.
  20. Hang in there. Things will get better. When I was young I had a group of friends I was very close to. After a while I noticed that the relationships were pretty one sided. I was the one everyone came to for support and encouragement but when I needed it no one was there for me. I even had one friend that you could not tell her who you liked or she would immediately try and date the guy. This became very upsetting to me and when high school came I decided to cut ties. I went to a different high school than them so it was easy to do so but here is what is different. I cut ties with them but did not swear off all friends. I drew a line in the sand and made the decision that I didn't need friends that were one sided only caring about themselves. I would accept people who had mutual respect for me as much I them but if I could not find such a person so be it. I wound up spending many years with just acquaintances not getting close to anyone until a number of years later a person came into my life and didn't try to make the whole relationship about them. It was then I knew I found a true friend. I have found a few more since then as well. The point I am trying to make is try to not see this as black or white, all or nothing. Yes, you currently have a number of friends who betray you. For your own worth it may be wise to cut ties to them. But that doesn't mean all people will betray you. The worst thing you can do is make that assumption because you will wind up fearful of others and always skeptical of anyone's kindness. It simply isn't the case that all people are out to betray others. Yes, a lot of people are very self involved but there are a few gems out there. Try not to paint yourself into a corner where you will never find them. Finally, try to remember that how people treat you does not define you, it defines them. Just because you were taken advantage of shows they have issues but proves you are a worthwhile kind caring soul. Treat yourself as such. Maybe for a time take a break from your friends to get perspective. The distance may give you some clarity. Stay strong.
  21. Your loved ones would take it personal, blame themselves and probably feel a lot of guilt for not knowing or not doing something. I wonder, you say your children are grown and you just lost the responsibility of a sick loved one. I wonder if maybe your thoughts are tied into some idea that your worth is only in taking care of others. Now that it is gone you feel there may not be a point to you?? This is not true but it is funny how our subconscious works. Of course this is only conjecture on my part based on what you said, to truly understand why you want to possibly leave dig deeper and listen more closely. What is your inner dialogue saying as you go about your day. What are you feeling. Being mindful of our thoughts and feelings in the moment can sometimes reveal what our triggers are. You sound like a very rational person like myself. I think about things and want to sort them out in my head. I have had many thoughts and even urges to suicide but having a thought and even a strong urge does not mean you will act on it but I do think it is important to explore why. To not hide from the elephant in the room just because we are not supposed to talk about it is dangerous. Suicide is an option, a viable option but not a good or helpful option for anyone including ourselves. So don't beat yourself up about having the thought. It is there for a reason and usually because a part of us wants to escape some other thought or feeling that is making us feel pretty crumby. And I am finding it usually is rooted in some false idea we have about our worth. But that is personal to each and everyone of us. Just ask a lot of questions of yourself and I am sure the answer will come. Hang in there. I really feel like this is a safe place to talk about this. People will be concerned but I can really see that you just want to logically understand. As a side note to why all the people in your life need you around is that you have touched them in big and small ways more than you will know. Your passing would be a great loss to them even if you are not with them on a constant basis. They still need you. Kids never stop needing their parents even if they may never admit it. And who knows what adventures await for you when possible grandkids come around. You may not want to miss that. Hang in there and stay strong.
  22. Depression Medications, especially in younger people, can have the opposite effect causing an even deeper depression and suicidal thoughts. If this is at all happening with any med you should contact your doctor immediately and let them assess if you should continue on to see if it will change or if you should stop the med immediately. Unfortunately with meds each works differently for each person and so it takes time to sort out the right combination in the right doses. It sounds as though you have hit a point of disconnecting with life. This happens often in depression as a way to cope with intense emotional pain. Severe depression is actually quite common after a person comes off a period of high anxiety. But you should maybe consider trying some sort of talk therapy on top of medication. It is important that you try and get to the root of any disruptive thinking so you can try to work towards having a life. Has your doctor discussed therapy with you? If not I would definitely consider it an option. Until then please just hang on. Come here to talk it out as much as you need to. The people here are very supportive and can relate. It may not seem like it now but it can and likely will get better with time. Stay strong. .
  23. I think I should add a disclaimer here for the sake of being courteous to others that some of the things I may say in this post could possibly serve as triggers so read with caution. I apologize if I should have added it to the last one as well. In an effort to outline the differences in the states of being I will highlight here what I thought I was experiencing in each phase so to speak to get an idea of what was different and what was similar about them. It could simply show to people who are educated on depression that I simply moved in and out of it but since I never got officially diagnosed by anyone I am unclear if this was indeed the case or it if was something else. Maybe someone who feels they have conquered their depression can give their perspective though I would welcome anyone’s thoughts. During my early years, before I found peace, I was fearful of life, stressed and anxious all the time but trying to cover it up. I was terrified of emotions and did my level best to suppress them as much as I could and got pretty good at it. Had a few treks into severe depression but ran for my life from the intensely dark feelings that came with them and was somehow able to break free from them within a month each time. I had a general disconnect with life keeping it at arms-length. I had rare moments of extreme fits of rage but nothing I could not brush off easy. I had sudden out of the blue urges to suicide and hoped for some sort of escape from life because it quite frankly overwhelmed me but I tried to do my best to pretend it didn’t. I was hyper vigilant about my behavior because making mistakes caused me duress but I was not in self-blame that I could tell. I didn’t sense I was tearing myself down just trying to run from myself and life. Then during the period of peace I simply felt radical acceptance. I was still fearful at times, angry on occasion but I did not let any of it color my world. I guess the best way to describe it was that I was living in the moment. An experience or emotion would come, I would react as I had in the past probably but I did not judge the experience, the reaction or myself so life just moved through me. I could be angry one minute walk away and be perfectly fine. Nothing lingered. Life was OK. Everything was OK. I was OK. I still had somewhat of a disconnect with life and still kept it at arms-length but I was accepting of my flaws and humanity. Life was no longer overwhelming to me and I didn’t have to pretend anymore, hide from myself or look for an escape. I felt unconditional about everything and I felt simply at peace about the world and glad to be alive. Then my return back into depression found me at the severe end of things but unable to escape this time. It felt like I fell off an emotional cliff into the darkest, blackest emotions that I could ever dream up. The words “Heart-ache” suddenly had profound meaning to me. Emotions physically hurt. I never knew they could hurt so bad and yet there was a pain in the core of my being I was desperate to be rid of. All I could do to relieve this pain was to flip out, hit myself and pillows, and cry to no end. And I cried a lot. I probably cried more during that 3 year time period than I have my whole life. I cried everyday almost all day long the first couple of years. It really was the only way I could truly release. I was confused, back in fear and anxious again. But I wasn’t just getting stressed about my mistakes, I was now getting down right livid with myself when I made one. I was definitely in self-blame this time but I wasn’t just calling myself names, I was doing that but I was also on a path bound and determined to destroy myself completely. When I finally stopped running from my severe depression and took the time to listen to what my thoughts were saying they were not simply saying I wanted to die. On some level I knew that would not solve the problem. My inner dialogue was telling me that it didn’t want to exist in any form spirit or otherwise. Simple death wasn’t going to fix this because I would still exist and still have the pain, I needed to disappear completely and to not be able to implode on the spot was excruciating. But since we cannot, not exist I felt hopelessly trapped and had no choice but to hang on for dear life and ride out the emotions. Though I guess the extremeness of wanting complete existence annihilation was a saving grace for me. Since I could understandably not, not exist, I had to face what was going on whether I like it or not and in the end I came to realize that I could survive incredibly intense emotions that make you feel like you are going insane and not die. They were not, contrary to what I previously thought, going to bring on my end. And so I now feel stronger about my ability to face having them. I am thankfully no longer at that place of wanting to destroy myself but I do still get triggered and turn on myself pretty fiercely and feel the pull to do my best to suppress it all but I miss the radical acceptance. Or even simply being at a place where life was OK. So I guess those best describe the different phases of life I have found myself in. I guess looking it all over now it probably was just a shift in and out of depressive states but they were oddly instant to me when the shifts happen. Maybe that is common. It definitely has been a strange journey I really would not have expected of my life. But I feel good about the progress I have made about not being overwhelmed with life as much as before. I still get overwhelmed emotionally and I still get anxious about things but I no longer feel the need to escape it all. I can face the intense emotions and know I will survive. It is liberating to say the least. And maybe that is all I need to do to find happiness again. Maybe that is all I had planned for this life. Accept that I am going to have periods of extreme emotions but know I can handle them and survive. But I will keep searching for that state of peace. Maybe one day I can figure out what exactly the switch is so I can turn it on for good. Well anyways, thanks for listening. It has always helped me to write things out when sorting out my thoughts. It seems to put them into better perspective for me.
  24. I titled this thread State of Being Shift because I really don’t know how else to describe my anxiety/depression journey. I came into this world feeling as though I was afraid of everything and everyone. I don’t know if I actually came in that way but I felt that way ever since I could remember but I did my best to ignore it, push through it so I could have a life. I did not want to let fear hold me back so I tried to never shy away from things I was afraid of. I was very stressed out most of the time but really became quite expert at denying it, even from myself. I am not sure how much of it showed to the outside world but in my mind no one was the wiser. Things were fine for the most part. I was moody but not overly depressed. I did notice though that there was a desire to escape. If the end of the world came to pass it would have made me very happy so I didn’t have to deal with my difficulties at being alive anymore. It wasn’t until I went on a cruise with my senior class that I started to really question my mental health. While on the ship I had really strong urges to jump off to my death. I had to make a very concerted effort to refrain from acting on the urge. I was in a very happy place on this cruise because it was the first time away from my parents and I felt liberated so the urge really took me by surprise but rather than investigate it I chose to ignore it. Through my life I have to fight off the urge as it pops up randomly but it isn’t something that interferes with my life. I then graduated and chose a career. Not my first choice. My first choice was to go into psychology but some really strong sense of foreboding took over me and I just had this sense of knowing that if I went down that path it would destroy me. I don’t know where the thought or feeling came from but it was so strong it sent me down a completely different path. A path that led to a job that was very hectic and stressful. A boss that was pretty harsh and a boyfriend who was giving me a hard time for working too much overtime. On top of that I had some health issues that kept complicating matters. All of this combined was more stress than I could handle and the anxiety I was so good at hiding was starting to seep out. What I started to notice was that because I was needing to be in a constant state of rushing to get the job done I was starting to make constant mistakes that were keeping me even later than too late and my stress levels started to go through the roof. As things escalated I started to have classic nervous breakdown symptoms of randomly busting out into tears for what seemed like no reason. I tried really hard to convince my mind to stop but it was useless. I could not control the anxiety and life was just relentless on me until one day, the same as the last, anxiety and mistakes were sending me into an emotional tailspin when it felt like I was just about at a point where I was going to literally have a psychotic break I snapped. But instead of going crazy I snapped in a good way. In one instant moment a thought and feeling washed over me and I realized that I was not my mistakes. Yes, I made a lot of them but who I was, was my intentions. Every day when I got up in the morning I went into the day with the hopes of doing good for everyone. It rarely happened but that was my intent. And with that thought I literally felt like I switched from being a pessimist to being an optimist. From being a glass half empty person to being a glass half full person. While just the moment before I felt nothing but negative emotions, I was now completely at peace with myself and the world. I guess the best way to describe it is that in that instant I became totally self-accepting. Though I honestly wasn’t aware before that I wasn’t self-accepting but I could now clearly feel I was and yet it didn’t seem to be something I chose consciously. It literally felt like a switch flipped in me. It felt like I had a complete personality shift and it felt like I had found the secret to life and for the first time in my life I was happy to be alive. I wanted to live and I really honestly and truly felt that any hint of depression or urges to suicide were behind me for good. That lasted for almost 10 years until a situation arose that brought up a lot of anxiety. I was still at peace with myself and life but the situation was definitely heavily anxiety ridden and in the aftermath I found again, in what felt like an instant, myself shift back into depression and pessimistic thinking but with an added extreme deep pain in my core that would not go away. I felt it before on a couple other occasions when I became severely depressed and it terrified me so I fought it hard. The feeling was debilitating and the last thing I wanted was to be back in a defeated mindset not wanting to live. How am I supposed to overcome depression when I feel defeated. I knew how counter-productive the mindset was and yet I could not get out. I could not just shift back and the realization that I was stuck back in my darkness destroyed me and so I turned on myself quite fiercely because I felt I should have been able to prevent it. But most of all I was just utterly confused by what happened. I could not comprehend how I could again so easily shift from being an optimist back into a death wishing pessimist. It felt like it was more than just a mood that shifted. It felt like who I was shifted and I was desperate to shift it back. Of course that obviously just made the situation worse but it didn’t really feel like something I had control over so I guess what I am wondering is if this has happened to anyone else. I have accepted things in my life before on numerous occasions and felt some sense of relief in the acceptance and I have gone in and out of negative and positive moods and different extremes of depression but this was like some whole other level. It was like the whole of who I was had a total all-encompassing shift in my being from being one type of person to becoming the complete opposite type of person. Like a personality shift was happening. Of course maybe all this was merely a shift from being a depressed person, a person who only ever shifted between different levels of depression, to being someone who honestly and truly was no longer depressed in any way shape or form but on some other level it somehow seems more than that but maybe I just don’t understand depression well enough. Regardless I do hope to make it back to that state of peace one day, whatever it was. Since I did not go in and out of it willingly I am not sure if I will but I sure hope I do. It makes life pretty wonderful and feel like a blessing as opposed to feeling like a dark black curse. Well anyways, bless your soul if you managed to take the time to read all of this. I appreciate your ear and any thoughts on whether you think this is or isn't simply all depression related or you have a similar experience. Thanks.
  25. I am actually very spiritual and took a somewhat spiritual approach to working through my depression though I think mostly I avoided doctors because I was terrified of being institutionalized and losing my job and becoming uninsurable not because I didn't believe I needed them, I know I did I was that out of control. But I haven't necessarily felt what you have. It wasn't euphoric, it was just pure acceptance and I thought because of it I had licked depression for good and was completely not expecting to ever be back in it. I see now why but it caught me off guard. Consequently, in my spiritual searches it was relayed to me on a number of occassions that this was all planned, my soul plan. I was completely confused how that was so, how any of it was serving my better good but the pieces are falling into place and I am beginning to see. My life actually makes a lot of sense now, why certain people are in it, why the things that happened, happened. Well anyways, I will start a new thread and see what others have to say. There are a few things about my journey that I haven't really heard talked about by anyone else but maybe I just haven't been asking in the right place. This might be the right place.
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