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Everything posted by Michelle38

  1. I am terribly sorry for your loss. It is sad to hear that she was unable to overcome the weight of depression. But I am glad to hear that you are keeping it in perspective in regards to your own battle. You are right, we all have our own triggers and reasons why we are depressed. Finding ours can help greatly when it hits but for others they simply are just not able to get to that understanding and/or things just overwhelm them. It sounds like she tried as best she could. There isn't a thing you could have done. Being her friend in battle I am sure was a great comfort to her. Send her and yourself some love and understanding. None of this is easy. Stay strong. My best to you.
  2. I probably should not have looked at your situation through my own lens but in general most depressed people have a bleak outlook rooted in some sort of negative thinking about some area of their life. Getting to the root of our own personal dialogue, listening to where we are talking defeated, can help us make choices to change how we want to view our situation. That is in our control. It's not easy but it is something we can at least attempt to change. It could be even as simple as confronting a blanket statement that depression is unchangeable which otherwise sentences us to live a self fulling prophecy. As much as a big part of me adamantly insists this is the way life will be forever, I have an alternate side that refuses to accept that as true and so I keep fighting and searching for that thing that will possibly help turn the tides to better days. I guess what I am saying is the worst thing any depressed person can do is give up trying to reach for recovery and a better life. As hard as it is to stop the defeated talk we owe it to ourselves to never stop looking for a way out.
  3. Life is funny in the fact that the roads we end up on, maybe expected maybe not expected always wind up taking us where we need to be. Just because others think you would be good at architecture doesn't mean you have to take that on as a career. It is your life after all and it is important to do something that gives you a sense of purpose or life can really become quite a burden. So just contemplate what you want to do and see where your heart lands. It isn't necessary to have it figured out right this minute. Many people start studying one field and wind up switching it along the way. Just look around if you are unsure.
  4. If there was no hope at all for recovery yet suicide was off the table I would question everything. The truth is I can't turn it off. As much as I try I can't seem to stop questioning life and myself. Even as a kid the teachers had to shush me so I would stop asking too many questions. It has helped me understand myself better. Through my questioning I have come to see that I do have higher than normal emotional reactions to life. That there is possibly some sort of imbalance in the brain because of it but for the most part my issues can be helped by changing my thinking around. I may always have a strong emotional response to life but I can find restraint in how far I go with the response and that can help me feel a bit in control of my situation and help it to seem less of a hopeless situation. But even at times when I am at my lowest and just want out I know I will never be able to stop myself from trying to think my way out of it which would probably keep me abreast of any new developments in the treatment of depression. And that is sometimes all that is needed to keep a glimmer of hope alive. The fact that life is always changing and with it medical advancements including ways in which depression can be treated. But if none of it winds up working fully and I stay in some level of depression for the rest of my life or find myself years down the road not any better than I am today I would try to work out how I wanted to cope with it. What things could I do to help myself feel the best as possible under the circumstances I find myself in. I might try the brain stimulation treatments though from what I understand they may need to be repeated from time to time. I guess I would figure if I have tried everything else and have nothing else to lose why not try it. But I do agree with Mr Shadow. No matter what we can always change our perception of ourselves and life. That is something you can in a lot of ways force yourself to change. It isn't easy to turn around a thought sometimes but simply refusing to accept it can do amazing things to shift our perception. The fact of the matter is just because you are depressed doesn't make you less valuable. Even if we are not using our talents to the best of our ability we still have value. That is the truth even if we fall prey to the lies in our head.
  5. My mother knows because she can somehow handle it. Not sure if her emotions are totally shut off or she just doesn't take me seriously but she never judged my meltdowns and just did her best to keep me from falling off the edge but everyone else I have kept it from because I know they would have difficulty dealing with it. I told my best friend once and she just tried to get me to take hormone supplements and then called me incessantly to check up on me. I actually did not have the energy to tend to her concern so I eventually just told her I was all better. We don't see each other all that much due to distance so it worked out fine. So generally for me it is more a matter of them being too overly concerned making me uncomfortable is why few people in my real life know. It actually was just easier for me and since I was the one who needed to tend to my mental well being I figured I didn't need anyone in the mix who would complicate that process for me. For me it worked but everyone has to go by what they feel will work best for them.
  6. Wow, what a life you have had and only 21. You have been through a tremendous amount of trauma. I am not a doctor but this screams ptsd to me. Being sexually abused and it never being dealt with could mean that there is a lot of pain inside. Not to mention the bullying and abusive relationship. This could definitely all amount to breaking down your self esteem. I don't see how it couldn't. I have suffered from severe depression but mine was rooted in more subtle things and a plain old terrifying fear of emotions. I spent some time having complete screaming mad emotional meltdowns like yourself. They were terrifying but also kind of therapeutic. They are a sign of some very deep pain that is trying to find a way out. I understand that counseling hasn't worked but maybe you need one more specialized in abuse and ptsd. As well you may have just not hit on one you clicked with. I understand your concerns around medication but I do think you should keep therapy in consideration or in the minimum try to find some books that can help you sort through some of your pain. My issues were cognitive in nature but you really have some pretty intense abuse you are dealing with and it likely won't go away without some work. And quite frankly you deserve a better adulthood. I hope you find this site as supportive as I have. People have been really nice.
  7. I am so sorry you are hurting. I understand about self destructing. It is a hard thing to break out of. Are you in any sort of therapy? Getting to the root of your drug problems and maybe even why you might fear success might help you to find some peace in your life and help you to see that you deserve a loving relationship not one that is cruel or abusive. It sounds like you have a lot of self blame and whether or not you believe it to be justified self blame in the long run will only serve to tear us down more. You are human and are not perfect but none of us are. If you are not in therapy I would consider giving it a try and see if you can turn some of your self destructive thinking around so you can feel better about yourself and your life. No one wants you to destroy yourself. There is a worthwhile human being under all that self blame. Stay strong and come here often if you need to talk.
  8. Procrastination and lack of motivation are a big part of depression. Try to not beat yourself up about it. Quite frankly you and your brain at at war with your moods so just be gentle with yourself. Beating ourselves up will only deepen the dark feelings. Instead acknowledge how very hard it is to focus with your condition so considering the circumstances you are doing the very best you can. I hope your day improves.
  9. I am not a doctor mind you but thought I read somewhere that the treatment you mention may wear off after awhile. Can't be certain so you will have to discuss this with your therapist. Did you let the doctor know the severity of your symptoms and your inability to function? Maybe they can fit you in sooner. I would say until then first of all do not hate yourself. There is an issue with your brain and emotions, it isn't something that is easily controlled. I know I can't when the meltdowns occur. This said, I spent 2 years in total meltdown mode and I survived. They are just emotions so give yourself some space to let them out and see if it helps the moods pass. And do contact your doctor and see if they can move up your appointment. But mostly use all your might to refrain from beating yourself up. That will surely make the moods get darker than they might otherwise. Be gentle with yourself reminding yourself this is an issue beyond your control at the moment. Things will improve. Hang in there. I hope you feel better soon.
  10. Well if that is the case that he lifts heavy mail and then sits all day long that could for sure cause issues with the back. It is amazing how it can just creep up on you and then one day without really doing much it is the straw that broke the camel's back. I woke up one day completely unable to use one of my arms. Turned out I had pulled my spine out of line so it was a simple muscle thing but it wreaked havoc on my body so just have him follow up with the doctor to be checked out. I am sure it is nothing but a strain or sprain of some sort given his profession.
  11. What it actually is, is cognitive distortion. Looking at the worse case scenario before all the facts are in. He really needs to be checked by a doctor before any conclusions are jumped to. So just do your best to change the dialogue. Remind yourself again and again there are many things it could be and cancer is only one possibly but likely not it. Just keep reminding yourself this until he has been checked by a doctor and a diagnosis has been made. Has he been sitting a lot because of the clot? It is very possibly that he went from being a lot more active to sitting around and that could be part of the reason. Doing online searches is sure to send one into fear. I can imagine after what you were both just through that there is some health fears but just do your best to not give into the fear. We all do it so don't be hard on yourself just try and resist the urge to get overwhelmed with fear. Stay strong.
  12. Change is never easy. I was always generally depressed and had high anxiety when I was younger. Managed to somehow break free for a period of peace for about 10 years. Then I crashed back into a severe depression. I was terrified of the new reality and afraid to lose my happiness and watched as it slowly slipped away. Then like you I got kind of use to being negative where it now frightens me to think I may be healthy again. Well then what do I do, how do I behave, will I measure up. I think it is natural for us to fear any sort of change. Our brains love routine because then they don't have to work as hard. But if I have learned anything about life is that nothing ever really stays the same. Everything is in constant flux and change. Who you were when the depression started is not who you are today and now that you are diagnosed and hopefully in treatment who you are in a year from now will not be the same. A lot can happen as you work through your depression and you will find your outlook will automatically change on its own. So I would say try not to fight what you are feeling. Rather recognize it and question what you want to do about it. If your response seems unacceptable what steps can you take to try and work towards a different outcome. None of this is easy and it is a very long process to recover but you are not ever doomed to feeling bad the rest of your life. It feels like it when you are in the midst of the pain but as thoughts turn around so will your mood. Hang in there and if you are not already in some type of therapy I do recommend you consider it. Take care.
  13. Failure is my achilles heel. The worst thing you can do is turn on yourself. It will make your depression significantly worse. It is good you focused on the fact that you tried because you did. It is your intention that matters most and it is in the right place so I agree with the others. Have a conversation with your boss about what transpired and let the chips fall where they may. You never gave up and that says something.
  14. Yes, I get that too. We are in a sensitive state and can very easily have our depressive thoughts get triggered by the energy around us. It is good you recognized it wasn't your own and took steps to remove yourself from potentially being triggered. Not sure what more could be done until we get strong enough to be around other negative people without it affecting us.
  15. When I fell into my severe depression I instinctively just picked up journal writing. There is a lot of dark thoughts in the books, I think I am on 16 now, but I don't have the best hand writing so it would be hard for anyone to read them. I will say it did help. It helped me get out my dark thoughts and helped me actually start to see what they were saying. I also found that after a while once I did a full on rant in the journal if I sat for a while and just reflected I started to come up with counter arguments to what I wrote. It was like my logical side took over and started to challenge the inner critic. But I initially just had to get the hurt and upset out. Being kinder to yourself I struggle with that too but I did just start trying to calm myself when I had meltdowns just telling myself I was OK. I now have randomly just started saying I Love You Michelle. Even though don't feel it or believe it I guess it is just my logical side again trying to get itself out of my self destructive thought patterns. So though it may seem odd or not true the theory is founded on fake it until you make it. Basically trying to break the habit of self loathing talk for self supporting talk. I was told to do this a year ago but I guess am just now ready. When it feels right I am sure you will too. Well anyways, I am really glad to hear you found a therapist that you connect with. I am sorry there were so many failures before but at least you found a supportive one now. I am very happy for you. I'm like you and like to try and cut to the chase but there is lots of work to be done to get ourselves out of depression but it sounds like you are headed down a positive road for once..
  16. I am not a psychologist so I can't say I have any formal education on dreams but I do tend to try and pay attention to mine and they seem to be mostly a way that my subconscious uses to sort things out, bring my attention to matters and even forewarn me of trouble ahead. Storm dreams are usually a warning I will have some sort of emotional meltdown. This said, I have heard in cases where there was an extended period of time in some negative mood they can act as a sort of escape from reality. A break as you will from the emotional turmoil that is plaguing us during the day. This may be the case for you but I guess most importantly I would ask is this a change from before? Did you have unpleasant dreams that have now shifted into positive ones? If so it could be pointing out brighter days ahead or even trying to show you times in the day when you handled things really well, maybe better than you give yourself credit. This is where analyzing your dream symbols can come in handy. I have found an online site called Dream Moods to be pretty good with the symbolism.
  17. Exercise doesn't help me either. It just makes me more tired. If my work out is fairly intense, I will feel good for 5-10 minutes after (once I catch my breath/cool off) but don't notice anything long-term/the rest of the day my mood is the same as it was before. It's hard to get motivated to do it at all while exhausted. Yes, that is what happened to me toady. Got my butt up and went down into the basement where the eliptical is and proceeded to fall asleep on the couch. Woke up a little later and said, good work, now let's go shower. Most of the time I just don't even bother to get out of the bed. It's going to be a low motivation day.
  18. Exercise doesn't help me either. It just makes me more tired.
  19. Will we ever be healed? Who knows, I kind of think that is rare for what we all have been through and have to deal with. More important than looking at it being all or nothing, total healing or total illness just think about grieving the hurt. Grieving the hurt that others and you yourself inflicted upon you, grieving the loss of who you were, grieving anything you feel needs to be released. I think it is really important to take the time to do this and take as long as necessary to do this part of it because then once you are done you will likely be more driven to make changes in your life. Your sense of self has been robbed from you and that just hurts like nothing else. It's ok and even good to grieve about it. Sending you love.
  20. The man I live with does not know about my depression issues. I told him at one point I was depressed but we never discussed it again. I can hide it very well and he travels so I tend to do my meltdowns when he is not around. I don't think he is someone who would be able to cope with my issues. He made a derogatory remark about someone we know who attempted to commit suicide so he doesn't get it. But I did find a friend I could talk to and I spent time talking with some online friends. They are safe. But I have had the same thoughts as you about therapists. I have done a lot of research, book reading and soul searching so I just don't see what a therapist would add except to push me too much and add pressure I don't need. We may not be giving that path enough of a chance but it has always been a point of resistance for me. I guess maybe I think if I hide it from the world it will just go away or maybe it because I don't want to admit how much of a problem I have. I think I hide it to keep some semblance of normalcy. Without my job and relationship I would likely slip deeper into my depression. It is like hiding it is a way I use to distract myself from the depression. Get my mind off my negative thoughts and that isn't necessarily a bad thing. I don't think there is any one path that we are supposed to walk to recover. But we do need to walk some sort of path towards a desire to recover. Even if it is just coming someplace like here to talk things out with people who have no clue who we are. In any event try to not be too hard on yourself or put woulds and shoulds on yourself. It will just bring you down further. I hope you feel better soon. Take care.
  21. Yes, all who have been there know full well we are not doing any of this on purpose and if we could just turn it all off we would. It is because of this that very few people in my real life know. I told my best friend once and she just wanted me to take hormone supplements then called me incessantly to check up on me. I couldn't take it and just told her I was fine. I have a good ability to hide it or play it off as something else when I am too down to hide it. The only two people who know are my mom and a neighbor who has the same spiritual outlook as I do. Not religious just spiritual. Oddly they are safe for me because they both have some sort of emotional disconnect so I can act and talk crazy and they don't freak out about any of it. I remember once I was talking kind of out of my head one day questioning the point of existence saying, for all I know you all are a figment of my imagination, and my mom said, well if that is the case then think me thin. It made me laugh. She has a way of using humor to help me calm down. But in general people who don't have strong emotions just can't relate. They can't fathom what we are going through. They want to fix our pain and have no solutions how to so they just throw out whatever pops into their head. They mean well enough. Try not to let it make you feel like you aren't doing enough to heal yourself. Depression just doesn't work that way. Even among the depressed there is no clear cut way to recover. We all have to find a way that works for us. I do hope that you find some relief for yourself soon. The path that helps you feel better and get on the road to recovery. Until then please don't beat yourself up. Take care of yourself.
  22. I don't have anything to add to what Fizzle said so well and I don't have any experience with extreme abuse, just run of the mill people saying a curt word or being critical but nothing out right mean. But I have to imagine that treatment like that in any sort would trigger my depression and deepen my low self esteem. I really can't see how it couldn't. So I agree with Fizzle. Take some time to sort this out for yourself first before you think about entering a new relationship. Until you break the pattern you could attract more and you deserve much better than that. Stay strong, my heart goes out to you as you heal from this.
  23. Thanks Fizzle. It is very odd how the brain works. But yes, it was strange. it was literally like some switch flipped in my brain. I suspect some sort of overload response but I have no education in any of this so I only go by what I experienced. Maybe I can find something online about it. At least I am closer to understanding as it always did make me curious. I was quite happy it happened quite frankly, who wouldn't be after living in constant emotional duress, but I am still curious that it did happen and then of course perplexed that it came back. I have to say though that I probably still had the emergency response to life, still acted in an anxious way, I know I was still rushing around to some degree, I just didn't feel anxious or afraid. My emotions were calm and peaceful so maybe the area that snapped wasn't that area but a different area that regulates emotions and mood.
  24. Well I do think what has helped me is getting older. When I was young I moved at 200 mph. Super fast in action and thought and then maybe because of some depression and heart related stuff my brain slowed way down in my 30s. I now really just don't have the energy to go as fast even though my emotions do try to push me sometimes. I drive fast is about all that I do fast these days. Well my emotions run fast as well but slowing down physically may be what is helping me break the emergency habit as well the lack of motivation from depression probably contributed as well. Anyways, it is good you are giving your brain a break. I hope you as well are able to conquer your anxiety and depression one day. As interesting as all this science stuff is having mental health issues does take a toll on you after a while. I really am just exhausted from all the emotional turmoil and have been for quite a few years.
  25. I just thought of something. It is very possible my anxiety is what kept me alive when every fiber of my being wanted to suicide. I know that I have always had a very strong survival instinct and now it seems that is due to the hypervigilance but the article indicated that the amygdala/prefrontal cortex connection had nothing to do with emotions so when my emotions went suicidal my hypervigilance kicked in and said no can do, We are staying alive. Maybe having anxiety and depression bodes well for those of us who become suicidal because I don't think all depressed people become suicidal. Well maybe if I wasn't so emotionally unstable I could have made a career with my curious mind. I do find this stuff fascinating.
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