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Michelle38

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  1. I walk up to a building that at first appears to be a Catholic Church or something similar, how I got there is have no idea. I walk to my right arm now it's an old school elementary school, the type in attended: many rooms in straight line with large windows on both sides. I hear women's voices and low music, I try to peak in but the windows are either dirty or foggy, not sure; I find a small clearing on the glass and I spot two women and a female child around 10; all three are dress very elegantly in Spanish clothing from the 1800s, very colorful and full length. I know there's more people and activity but I can't see them. It's the grandmother, mother and daughter. They are discussing something that at first I can't make out but I then realize that all the men are miners and there has been a serious accident, they don't know who has died; these women are leaders in the community and they all live in these buildings. The mother is telling her daughter to move away from the conversation. Suddenly up in the corner there's an old school radio where news of the mine accident is blaring but there's no electricity yet only candle power. Then suddenly the scene starts playing over and over like an old fashioned movie reel. Then I realize that they  are caught in a time warp, this actually happened many years back but they are reliving it over and over. I've always wondered about this dream, it'll suddenly pop into my thoughts. I get the sense that I'm to help them but of course I don't know how. Any help will be greatly appreciated. Txs. 

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    2. vega57

      vega57

      She went into menopause when I was born and I was told that it changed her completely; I never saw the happy go lucky person that my older siblings talked about. Sadly for me and her she physically took out her anger and frustration on me. I am telling you something that I've never repeated evento my wife much less my children and grandchildren: she would whip me with electricalcords severely and with what ever else was handy until I was old enough to defend myself.  I blamed my older siblings, I am the youngest for not defending and leaving me, they all would leave when old enough. This is one of the main reasons I don't look into my childhood very much. I lived a very distructive live for many years to the point of facingredients death many times both in civilian and military life. I realize it sounds crazy but I loved my mother, I learned to forgive her and make peace with her and with what she did. In the last years of her life my wife and I took care of her. She died in my arms and I miss her. Anyway enough. I face life and depression head on and the best I can. Despite all adversity I think I turned out ok: I have empathy and sympathy for all humanity and I always look for the best in them. I shower my children and grandchildren with love and affection, something I never experienced until I met my precious wife, had children and now grandkids. Thank you so much M38 you really have helped me. 

    3. Michelle38

      Michelle38

      Oh Vega, I am so sorry that happened to you.  Thank you for trusting me enough to share it.  It really is important to get it out and processed.  I can understand how hard growing up must have been.  My father was critical of everything I did and he seemed angry all the time and it really did a number on me as a child so I can imagine how immensely more difficult it was for you.  Not understanding why and her being different with you than with the other siblings can really do a number on our psyche.  Why you a child would naturally think.  I do know that a woman's hormones do change around menopause.  I had a life stressor and then slipped into starting the change at the same time my severe depression hit so I know part of my issue was the hormone changes but that still doesn't give her an excuse.  I am glad you forgave her mostly for you so that you don't let anger towards her fester inside you but it is very likely that how she treated you affected how you feel about yourself and that isn't your fault.  We are simply too young and unable to know what is what during those formative years so it is not surprising you struggle with depression. And it is ok that you still loved her.  Unfortunately when we repress our sadness and grief it can come out in the most unfortunate ways.  Your mother took hers out on you but it isn't because you deserved it.  It is really important that you know that.  It is important to separate what happened to you from who you are.  Your worth is beyond measure even if your mother or siblings couldn't show it to you.  I am glad you have a good relationship with your family.  It is now time to show yourself the kind of love and affection you show them.  Your soul is indeed kind.  Remember that when the sadness strikes.  Take care.  I am always around if you ever want to talk.  

    4. vega57

      vega57

      Thank you so much for helping me. Even at this stage of my life it's hard for me to have self worth but the one thing I learned is to not pass it on to my children; I wish and want to tell you that I always succeeded at this but I'd be lying. I made many mistakes raising my children but the most important thing is that they were always safe from physical, mental and verbal abuse and they have always knownhow much I love them and my wife also. I know I'll struggle with this till I take my last breath but it no longer consumes me though it does pop up here and there. My children love me so much, much more than I deserve, so do my grandkids and wife and I love them without measure. Thank you again very, very much and thank for offering to be here and I reciprocate the offer. 

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