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therealslimshady

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About therealslimshady

  • Birthday November 9

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    Utah, USA

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  1. i agree with a lot of the advice given here. My two cents is this: it's okay to be depressed. Your SO should understand that and be supportive that you're working on it and not pressure you for things you're not feeling up to (like sex). And while it's okay to lean on them for support, you need a support system that is broader than just them - other friends or family you can turn to so that your SO isn't the only one helping you with your burdens.
  2. I have a very hard time making myself do any kind of workout as well while I'm feeling like this. My work is very pro-personal fitness and even with all the encouragement from there I'm hardly getting any exercise in. I did find that one way to get a little in was to redirect my frustration / anger during a fight - this weekend my gf and I were arguing and instead of leave and get self destructive I went to Walmart and just walked - up and down every aisle of the store. I got a few looks but I felt much better both because I had given the anger some time to process and because I at least chose to do something good for me
  3. I'm so ****ing tired. But all I can do is lay here awake because my girlfriend is sick and the time I would normally be sleeping on my own (she works early in the morning) is full of her snoring and shaking the whole bed with her tossing and turning and sleep movements.
  4. My girlfriend said to me today: "Can't you just smile?" For someone diagnosed bipolar, you would think she would understand that I can't.
  5. For me, sex is a difficult part of a relationship especially when I was on meds. My last doc put me on citalopram and it totally killed my libido... That was the main reason I went off (any benefit of feeling better from the citalopram was offset by guilt from my girlfriend about how little interest I had in sex). So meds may be a big part of it. Nobody but you can decide if you love your boyfriend "enough." He doesn't have to be your every thought when he is gone, in fact that would be a sign that you're overly dependent on him. If you can still be you with or without him, and you are happy and in love when you're with him, then I say you love him plenty. You're not stringing him along if you genuinely want to be with him, and you're not cheating if you aren't pursuing other relationships. I guess if I had to sum up: if you think you love him enough, then you do, and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
  6. Thank you both for your support. It's easy to lose myself in everything else going on around me - kids, work, taking care of the house... I get to feeling like I don't get to have time for me. Sunday I was particularly low, and I know I need to do more than just vent... It's just a matter of making myself do more for me.
  7. I thought about posting this in Members Needing Extra Support Now... But I'm a pretty pragmatic person and I don't really think I'm desperate. But I'm not doing well. At all. I feel like I'm spending every day running away from a panic attack. As long as I stay busy, my thoughts generally stay away from their most negative, the most harmful... But when I stop, when I take a minute and silence surrounds me, my demons come running in full force. I avoid spending any time in my home office for precisely this reason. My office is my one refuge in the world, my only space that is entirely my own, and I've spent some time wondering if it's my office that's triggering me or if it's that I finally feel safe when I sit in my desk chair and I can take the mask off... After this weekend I've decided it's definitely the latter. And I hate that I feel like i have to avoid my one sanctuary just because there's something wrong with my brain. Of course I know what I should do. I've studied lots of psychology, and I know that the healthiest choice would be to seek a session with a therapist. And stop hiding my depression from those around me. And immediately go back on meds. And use my Xanax, a prescription I've had for months but have yet to even open. I should do those things. But I don't. And I don't know why I can't. I don't know why I feel like I shouldn't say anything about how I'm feeling to my wife. I don't know why I can't say it to my best friend. And instead they take my stoicism and rushing around from one thing to another and only see what I'm not doing, or what I'm doing wrong. I'm a bad friend, because I don't have time for my best friend. I'm a bad husband, because I don't make time to stop with my wife. I'm a bad father, because when I am watching the kids I have a very short temper. And when the day is done, I'm so worn down that there's no space for anything but sleeping. I don't know why I'm doing what I'm doing. It feels a little like I'm driving a car toward a brick wall, sure to crash, but I'm not moving my foot off the gas because I still feel in control. I wonder if I really am. I'm fairly certain that even when they're not foremost in my mind, my demons have a firm grip of the wheel and that's why I'm not even taking the first of the steps I should to get feeling better.
  8. My kids. No matter how dark the storm, I'm here because of my kids. My girlfriend and I fought this weekend over my "mask" and how my depression caught her by surprise... I feel like I've been fighting with it for years, but I get up and go and work and do the things I need to do because my kids deserve to have someone fighting for them.
  9. I get this in my office at home -- if I spend more than a few minutes at my desk, I start to feel it. I'm not sure if it's that my office is triggering for me, or if it's the only place I have that's really mine and I can let myself let go of my mask when I'm in there. Either way, it makes me avoid spending time in my office which ultimately leads to a lot of things not getting done. Is there something you can change at home to make it better? Rearrange a room? Change the decorations? Part of my issue with my office is it's a mess (side effect of spending as little time as possible in it), I tend to wonder if cleaning it up might help.
  10. I totally hear you, and I can feel both sides of this one. My girlfriend can be incredibly reactive to the smallest thing, and if we're trying to be playful and I'm pushing myself to be there, if she loses it I break and I can't get it back. I've also been in the position of getting out of the moment in the middle of fooling around and it's so hard to get back into it... But I don't want to stop when we're so far in because it will set her off further :( I agree with funky town - take some time and be good to yourself and accept who you are. Don't beat yourself up over your sense of humor, if he was able to fall asleep It's safe to say your hubby is probably not holding on to it so neither should you!
  11. I've had a couple of therapists, my last one had been really good but I guess I did get tired of feeling pushed. Not that what she said didn't make sense, I just stopped feeling better after therapy. She took a month off for surgery and I haven't been back to therapy since. I've told myself I would, but haven't ever called and made an appointment. It just feels pointless to me, because I've been in therapy and studied psychology I see when I'm being irrational or self-defeating... I just don't have the energy to do anything about it. I'd like to have someone to talk to who just listens... I just don't have that person in my life and I have to watch what I say to whom.
  12. I totally know what you mean! A job I started 10 years ago during the onboarding/hiring process, said basically "We're paying you, and paying you well, to be happy at work. Do what you have to but if you're sounding miserable our customers will pick up on that and they will be miserable." That's one of the few things I remember from that training, and it always bothered me!
  13. I feel that a lot of the time I'm standing in my own way of getting better. Because I know how to get "better". I know what I "should" do. Exercise daily, build positive relationships, open up about my thoughts and feelings, have a safety plan, avoid my triggers... I don't do any of those things. And on some level, I want help (clearly, since I'm here)... But lately I feel like I'm slipping further. And I wonder if feeling like I can't talk to anyone is me self-censoring. I often feel like I can't talk to my wife because it feels like there's something missing. I'm sure that's in my head and I know she wants to know but I never feel like she does, I always feel dismissed when I try to open up. I very consciously self censor around my girlfriend - saying anything negative about myself or opening up about how down I'm feeling almost always results in her either getting angry or getting anxious that she's not enough to fix me. So I spend a lot of time in my head. I picture going to a therapist, but what is she going to say that I don't already know? I need to make changes in my life if I want to change how I'm feeling. But changing my life is very daunting and scary and what the hell is a therapist going to do to help with that? I went off my meds because I can't take the side effects. At least that's what I told myself. It's been two weeks and I don't feel any different than I did before going off med, except that the worst of the side effects are gone. I feel like this post is kind of wandering around, so back to the topic at hand - self censorship. Do you do it? How do you recognize it? How do you get out of your own way? Is there anyone at all in your life you don't feel like you have to censor (or at least filter) your thoughts?
  14. What I hate the most about my brain is I tend to get stuck on what ifs a lot... And it can't be nice what ifs like "what if I won the lottery?" (Although I do a fair but of that one too, but it's easy to dismiss those ones)... It's the "what if disaster struck" kind... What if I lost my family. What if something happened to my wife. What if what if what if... I hate it. Because I get stuck on those thoughts and can't shake them, can't dismiss them as irrational, and can't do anything but let my imagination run wild and try to hide from the emotion it brings up... Which ultimately just makes me feel worse.
  15. I used to do that kind of thing all the time when I was working nights. Half the time I'd get home and wonder what the drive there was like. So much of my energy was focused on keeping myself awake that the road was very far from the front of my mind and it was all too easy to forget that I'd even been in the car.
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