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About SMC

  • Birthday 02/08/1972

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    Reading, history, video games

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  1. I sit here so down in myself and life. I live in another state away from family and friends. No one in my family or any friends called over the holiday. I called my family thanksgiving day and spoke to some but nothin pg meaningful. If I had not called no one would have called me. Today I called several friends and no one answered and as of tonight no one called or messaged back. I understand others have a life and are busy, it just seems life is just work and nothing else anymore. It is like life is less meaningful as time goes on. I visited a friends Facebook page who took his life December 23, 2012 and it made me so upset as to me he had so much more going for him in life than I do. I always thought he was doing so well and it hurt then as it does now thinking how he felt there was no other option. I just feel I am meaningless.
  2. I feel I have never been so confused and so lost in life decisions. I can't seem to make decisions that turn out good be it my job, relations or financial, I have always had different levels of stress, doubt and self-hate since my teens. This just seems to be the worst in a while.
  3. I can sort of relate, in same sex relation of almost 15 years and learned about 4 months ago my partner was having an online affair. It has killed me inside and for me I am the one that battles with depression. We are still in the same house yet have not been intimate in months. I do care deeply about him but I can't say i am in love with him anymore. There are other issues in our live but I just feel so lost and no affection. I can't kick him out cause I can't live with myself knowing he would be struggling. He is a smart guy but has a hearing disability and finding a job has been hard for him even though he has a masters degree. It is hard to explain our relationship now. It is almost like one of convenience. I know that how to sound messed up. I think being gay in a way makes it more difficult at least for me cause it is hard to share this stuff.
  4. Hock, I came he tonight looking to express exactly what you have. The difference is I'm going on 15 years and I care deeply for the person, even live them but sadly not in love with them anymore. I want to just be single to find my life yet I don't want them to suffer. I am the provider and the thought of my partner being well out struggling on his own kills me. At time I wish I would d** so he gets the insurance and I knew then he would be ok. I wish he would leave me but he loves me. This is a really crappy place to be in life at 43. I feel I am second guessing my whole life and where I am at in life.
  5. I am frustrated with my life where I am and how I feel like I have failed. In the process of downsizing my life, selling belongings and thinking how I have failed in life.
  6. I have taking a few days off from work to come bavk to CO a place I love and miss. Being here is nice yet at the same time it depresses me I am no longer living here. I wrestled with canceling the trip for a few days part of me wanted to just stay home and do nothing. I hate the do nothing attitude I have yet I can't move past it. I wonder why I can't be happy.
  7. So lost in life. Can't find happiness having headaches which I normally never have and my stomach is ******* me. All I see in my life is negative stuff. My job is stressing me so much I feel like I have aged 10 years in just two years.
  8. So frustrated with my life and depression. I want to find happiness I miss that.
  9. Terrible weekend feel so lost and helpless. I see no value in myself or existing. I am loosing any desire to things in life. I worry I am breaking down and there is no way to stop it. Just so tired I wish I was able to take a month off and get help.
  10. I am that way and it has gotten worse over go past year or two. I am in a relationship that is coming to an end. I have no desire to be in a relationship, socialize with other or stuff. I just want to be alone with myself. I sort of have desires to do things like hike or camp but not with others. I am not sure I really like being this way.
  11. The times I gave switched I tampered office then the dr had me slowly added in the new one. I am currently in the process of tapering off of Cymbalta. It has been difficult from the weird feelings in my head and headaches. But I am tired of meds so it a personal thing n
  12. I was on the name brand for about a year during a drug trial the after that I was put on the generic due to my insurance. I can't say I have felt a difference. However I am in the process of getting off of it cause I want try not being on meds and also out of concern for my body.
  13. I so know that feeling. I got in bed at 8:45 just tired and no desires in life. I just get up early work 10 - 11 hours a day. Come home eat drink and sleep then repeat.
  14. No therapist or groups. I need to find one just my work make it difficult to make appointments as I travel a lot. My doc is more asking how I feel not much else. Yesterday I was watching a documentary and found myself crying but to be honest I was glad. It was a sad and touching movie but it also made me think how I have not done much with my life. I wonder if my parents would have got me help when I was in my teens if I would not be this wat at my age now.
  15. I am trying to figure out my life to somehow not feel lost and helpless. I am tired of being tired, no desire the sense of no meaning in in life. I am not sure if I am better on or off meds which scares me. I feel worse physically right now headache and nasaua which I assume is from going off the meds. I was hoping I would feel better and have desires for things but I don't.
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