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Everything posted by bluegal

  1. Duck, I'm just stunned he would have the nerve to chase you up for the money after all you've paid for him over time, and all the lifts. wow. He sounds like a selfish user. Someone who is only your friend to get something out of you is not being genuine, it won't be a huge loss if he decides he doesn't want to be a friend just because you've decided you are not going to be a pushover for him anymore.
  2. unfortunately, some people are just moochers and manipulators. I don't think joe is really your friend at all, he is just there to get free lifts and for you to pay for his outings. If you cut him off from the free ride, it's likely he will stop being your friend at all. So I think you need to ask yourself duck, is this the type of "friend" you want in your life? It doesn't seem real genuine to me, because real friends don't just use you like that. If he is genuine about his friendship, he will accept you even if you don't pay for him or drive him around, but be prepared that he may just disappear from your life once the gravy train stops.
  3. I just feel like I've ruined my life and can't come back from this mistake. Honestly, I don't think this is something you can't come back from. Just wait and see what happens. People do get stressed and snap at others, everyone has probably done it at least once, no it's not a good way to express yourself so perhaps you should look at ways to improve your stress levels and coping skills? Perhaps even by doing this, you may be given a chance to stay in the program.
  4. That was such an eloquent explanation fizzle. so much better than my clumsy attempt that's for sure.
  5. "Your giving that someone you feel is special to you to help them out. Just like you would a friend or family in this case maybe someone you love like your therapist or client." But a therapist is not your friend or family, this type of thinking is unhealthy and you shouldn't see your therapist that way. "The wound its left has brought me to my knees and yes she was a therapist who had no feeling for me even tho I had them for her. When I called her on the phone to confess my love she was somewhat cold and uncaring." Lots of people do fall for their therapist, when you open up about very personal things it can feel like a relationship is developing, and a therapist could easily take advantage of this situation which is why there are rules and guidelines. Therapists will usually keep healthy boundaries in place, and as patients I think we need to simply do the same and realise that we are there for therapy, not to find a friend or a mate. It's their job to help us with our issues. It is never healthy imo to get caught up in a romantic fantasy with a therapist because it will only lead to being hurt as you have experienced and if someone finds themselves in that position, going to a different therapist may be the only answer. As much as it hurt, I think this could be a learning experience for you, because no ethical therapist will start a relationship with a patient.
  6. Just for reference, which country do you live in? Where I live, a therapist is not even allowed to accept a gift from patients, I'm sure money would fall into the same category. Here, therapists are not even meant to treat friends or people they know because it is considered "unethical". Whenever you have a power inequity, such as therapist/patient, teacher/student etc, it is not usually allowed to have a relationship regardless of age because you still have someone in a position of power over the other person, much like an underage person with an of age person. In this instance, the patient is 16 and the therapist is in her 30s so not only is there a patient/therapist inequity, but also an underage/adult inequity.
  7. There is no need to put up an act that you are happy with the doctor. Let your mask go and just be honest about what you are experiencing.
  8. Totally agree, as hard as it might seem for the op to let go, I think it is the smart choice.
  9. "I've been trying to research what makes good vs. bad sex but it's hard to get straight answers because everyone's opinions are different." This is just my opinion/observation, but most guys are very focused on their own pleasure with sex and tend to be impatient and not want to put a lot of effort into it, but that ends up being very unsatisfying because it's all over before your motor is even really running. Maybe a lot of guys just don't understand how different we are and think we go from 0-10 as quick as they do. A much smaller number focus on the woman and they seem to just learn I guess what a woman likes/needs and will put in a lot more time and effort, but it has to be good effort, you know like some people are good kissers and others are hmmm, not so much. some guys just seem to figure it out and know what they are doing. I did write a bit more than this, but yeah, it feels weird talking about it. lol
  10. "I have tried doing things his way but now I am doing less and less because of feeling how I do." I think that's a perfectly normal response to this. When we get tired of being controlled, we tend to just say "to hell with it, I'm not going to jump through these hoops anymore". "Both of the times telling me that he will walk out unless I fix things." If it were me, I might just call his bluff on that and say "fine, get the hell out then" :) He's basically trying to threaten you and convince you that him leaving would be such a bad thing, and often when it comes down to it, the person would have no intention of actually leaving. Also sometimes I think we just fear the unknown more than it really should be feared. No body likes to uproot their life no matter how bad things are, but like with my SIL, even when these things get forced upon you, you can find a strength and resilience you never really knew you had. Sometimes we just choose the devil we know because it seems like the safest, easiest option. "I feel like I am changing as a person because of this and I don't like it." It sure sounds like this is changing you, and it sounds like personal preservation in the current circumstances. sometimes we just do what we feel we need to in order to get by in a situation, I don't think you should feel bad about that, it isn't how you want things to be, but sometimes we just do what we have to just to get on with it. I really think you should see if you can get to a therapist, I think it could do so much to boost your confidence if you had that kind of support and guidance, no matter where it leads, it may just give you the courage to allow yourself to find what makes you happy, either in or out of the marriage. Therapists can be a great support system and very compelling with their advice. Me on the other hand, I wish I knew what to advise you, but I just don't feel qualified to do it.
  11. I can't tell you what the right decision is, but you have to believe you deserve to be happy and I just don't see someone like your husband really changing these beliefs. I think too that these kind of beliefs are very self serving, so I think unless your husband can decide that he wants to be a true partner in your marriage rather than the person who should be held up high and esteemed nothing will change. He obviously "expects" things to be his way, or he gets angry/dissatisfied with you. So it's like he is putting this pressure on you to measure up to his unrealistic standard, but if you don't it's all your fault, when in reality, he is the one at fault for expecting these things from you. I think you have to seriously think whether this is how you want to spend the next 10, 20, or however many years of your life. I don't think I could do it. Do you have any place to go, even for a while? It might help you clear your head and decide what you really want. You know, my SIL was happily married with 2 kids (or so she thought) for 11 years then suddenly her husband just walked out on her. They did have problems but I don't think she would have decided to get a divorce in a million years, mainly because she wanted to keep the family together. Her husband even told her if she did certain sexual things more often, maybe he wouldn't have left. pffft. A couple of years later, she said she was so much better off without him. It wasn't easy, but I think she sort of found herself after that.
  12. gawd feelinglost, it sounds like your husband fell straight out of the 1950s or something. It sounds like his beliefs are very deep seated. My own father was an unashamed sexist ass. He has never changed and feels his beliefs are perfectly normal and rational. I think it will be extremely difficult for your husband to change and will only happen if he wants to which would probably take some kind of epiphany. Do you see a therapist? I think being able to talk about this with someone who can encourage you to follow your own needs would be really helpful. It's tough for kids to go through a parent divorce, but growing up in a dysfunctional home is not great for kids either. Imagine a future where you meet someone new, who accepts your children and who makes you happy. Why would you not want to reach for that? My husband came from a broken home and his upbringing was so much more normal than mine was, where my parents stayed together and made each other miserable. Growing up, I always wished they would get a divorce because our family situation was just dysfunctional.
  13. It sounds like a bad situation anxietygirl and I guess one of the things we really expect in a relationship, is to get that support and understanding when we need it. So sorry to hear your husband didn't help you through these tough times, and you are so right that you both deserve better. "I worry about him and what will happen to him when we do finally divorce." sometimes people need a push to make changes and your divorce may bring this about. Right now it sounds like he is pretty comfortable spending his free time with his xbox but still having someone around, but being on his own may make him realize he does want friendship and company. You can't sacrifice your life for his needs though, you deserve to be happy as well and find something more fulfilling. No matter how hard you try, if only one person is putting in the effort, things will just not work and it sounds like he has checked out from the relationship
  14. I mean she can not have a personal relationship with you of any kind, it would be unethical. This can lead to hurt feelings for some people if they get too attached to their therapist.
  15. "I strongly encourage you to leave that aside for now if you can and take action to end therapy with this woman." I agree with fizzle. It almost seems like you want us to validate that your t is attracted to/interested in you and that you are special to her. None of that is important, what is, is that this is a very unhealthy dynamic going on. She may simply be trying to be the likeable/cool therapist, or she may just be very inexperienced (as you said she hasn't qualified fully yet), but she is walking a fine line and she needs to be much more assertive about boundaries. I'm surprised after her previous bad experience she is so reluctant to do that, but then it may come back to her wanting to be liked by her younger clients. Sometimes in therapy it is almost unavoidable for an attachment to take place, but in that case discontinuing therapy with a particular t may be the only answer. Nothing good will come of this. If she crosses the line further, it can cost her this job, and her reputation. If you discontinue therapy you don't want anyone being left with these feelings of something that could have been more either.
  16. I've had relationships where the sex was amazing and everything else was horrible in the relationship. I've had other relationships where the sex was less amazing and the relationship itself was great so I personally don't believe sex is the ultimate test of a relationship's quality and a good or even amazing sex life doesn't automatically make you happy. I've also stayed too long in bad relationships because the sex was so good even though I knew there was no real future in it and the relationship was eroding my self worth (not because of the sex but just the overall negatives of the relationship), and a friend of mine spoke of the same thing but ultimately when it's the only thing a relationship has, it generally won't last the distance IMO because I think women generally want more than that. I also think sex is very different for men and women so I would be surprised if your male t can see it from a female perspective to any degree.
  17. I had a female psychologist who IMO, seemed to be obsessed with sex as the solution to everything. It was weird and dismissive IMO. Sex is a part of life but it is not the cure for everything that ails us. I also felt belittled by her attitude, and to be honest, I think she was really at her job if that was the best she could do.
  18. "Today I was in the grocery store and the self- service check out was not working and I got mad. I yelled at the staff and told them "this crap is not working." My anger is getting the better of me. I do not have the patience for incompetence..." Duck, why do you think you got so angry? could you have been feeling anxious? was there someone waiting behind you and you felt rushed or stressed? Did you feel like you looked stupid? Just wondering. "so if looking forward to seeing N every week will help reduce my anger then I guess I don't have any other choice??" I would be worried that if N doesn't give you the attention you need or want from her, that could just make you angry too or you may just see the whole thing as pointless and forget about all the other things you wanted to get out of it, e.g. exercise, friendship etc
  19. oops, sorry duck I called the class rumba, hmm, maybe I was thinking of roomba vacuum robot? lol nevermind :)
  20. Hi Duck, you know from an outsiders perspective, it seems like you could get all the positives and none of the negatives by joining a class where N is not involved. Make friends, get exercise, do a bit of driving etc. I think being focused on this woman from the past may just be unhealthy, as you say you would expect attention from her, but what if she treats you like all her other clients? I think there are some pitfalls involved, and really you don't need her specifically to gain all these advantages from going to a rumba class. Maybe it would be a bit empowering almost to find a class where N is not even involved, kind of like independence from N? Not sure if this is making any sense but good luck with whatever you decide.
  21. Griffindoor, fizzle makes some excellent points and I hope you read her post at least a few times. Right now, you are not legally an adult so none of this seems right or fair, but at 16 your brain has not fully developed and these laws are in place to protect you from being preyed on and this is why it would be illegal for you to be involved with a teacher. In a few more years you will understand these laws are in place for your protection. I also agree as above, don't read too much into the teacher crying, she may be feeling a bit overwhelmed herself, wondering if she did something wrong. She is only 20, still very young and unsure of herself and perhaps worried about her career or that she messed up somehow, if you truly care about her, would you really want her to lose her job? or go to prison? just to risk a relationship with a student? There is nothing wrong with having a crush on a teacher, many of us have been there, but it is not something that can ever go further and there are good reasons for this. Maturity is not about how you converse with others, it also involves understanding and accepting the consequences of your actions, on yourself but also on others, that is where real maturity lies. I really hope you can move forward, and understand why the teacher and school is laying out these boundaries.
  22. oh I've always owned dogs wrenn, from maltese to bichons to labs. I've also spent most of my working life working with them. I just adore dogs, I just find most of them irresistible, such great little characters (furry people) lol. I do agree your friend has a right to know, I just wonder what she would do with the information? would it prompt her to leave him? would she buy into any justifications he makes and fob it off as nothing? would she confront him and possibly get hurt? It's such an unknown. I learned a long time ago really to stay out of other people's relationships. A couple of times I was asked by gfs of friends of mine for the "truth" about something with the promise they would not reveal what I said, and it bit me in the @ss. Right now there is a friend of mine who broke up from a 5 year relationship, he complains a bit about his ex at times, honestly I'm not a huge fan of hers since I feel she's a bit fake, but I won't say a word. If they ever get back together it would just blow up on me. I know it's not the same as the situation you are in, but yeah, we need to tread carefully sometimes. Just know that sometimes people are not good at keeping their mouths shut when in relationships, even if they promise to. I guess in your situation I would wonder what she would do with the information, if the answer is nothing, then probably not worth revealing it.
  23. oh so glad to hear she's doing well, dogs can be amazingly resilient can't they? Oh that's a good point about your friend, yes if you tell her she will very likely confront him and that could turn even uglier for her. Such a bad place to be in! If he is abusive then I'd be inclined to sit on it for now, maybe you could block him on your phone or try to ignore him, but I wouldn't go staying at their house either, it doesn't sound all that safe. I guess all you can do is encourage her to leave him and get out of that situation, then would be a good time to let her know about the texts when she isn't at risk. I wish I knew what to say, this is a really hard situation
  24. wrenn what a horrible position to be in. I'm not sure how you should proceed, honestly I suspect if you told her about it he would lie and make out like it was a joke, you were making it up or say something like you were coming on to him, it could blow up in your face. I would definitely save those texts in case you need them later. Hopefully someone with better advice will come along. *hugs* btw, how is your little pooch doing after her awful experience?
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