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Denise17

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Everything posted by Denise17

  1. I don't know what to do. I am getting older and have two adult children and 90 year old parents. My parents and their good buddy, my ex-husband, have "gaslighted" me all my life. This torn down my self-esteem, self-confidence and hampered my ability to make decisions. (I only recently discovered the word in psychology that describes this abuse....gaslighting.) I am now faced with possibly being expected to take care of my parents. That would cause me to be suicidal. I have two siblings but neither one of them is willing/able to drop their lives to take care of my parents. I recently retired so my Dad is asking me to come "visit". Yet whenever I am around them for even a short time, I become depressed. In January, I visited for less than an hour and left depressed due to comments my mother made to me. My Dad doesn't do it much any more because his mind is fading .... fast. So mostly he just sits and watches T.V. But he was a hugely negative influence in my life, my whole life. My mother loves to rub it in my face that she and Dad are in close contact with my ex-husband and how he is a really nice person, etc. He is not a nice person and I could write a full page telling you why he is not a nice person, but she loves to taunt me with this sort of thing. The other day, she texted me several messages that unknowingly to her, revealed what her plans are. She intends to give my ex-husband and his family some of the inheritance when they pass away. I don't know how much but to even consider doing so is a slap in my face due to the hundreds of conversations we have had over the years in which I explained over and over all the many, many reasons I divorced him and asked them to stop being friendly with him because it kept him in MY life whereas normally when you divorce, especially after the children are grown, you never have to see the ex's again. But they told me that I couldn't tell them who they could be friends with....and other such hurtful comments. They literally have ignored my pleas and wishes for 40 years. Yes, that is how long we have been divorced! They have some money and I know my ex well enough to know that is what he is angling for, plus to thumb his nose at me because he always told me they preferred him to me. My question to the group is.....how to handle parents who have mistreated you all your life without becoming suicidal in their presence? If I walk away, my ex-husband will convince them to give him everything they own and leave me and my sisters nothing or very little. My ex-husband is a master manipulator and a huge liar and when they weren't gaslighting me, he was. I hate to see him succeed yet they don't believe he is manipulating them....instead they tell me I need to get over my divorce and that they enjoy giving him the "family" he always wanted. (They don't see or don't care that in giving him m "family" they are denying me "family"!! If I walk away, I don't think they would give a damn....they chose him over me 40 years ago.
  2. Hi Justaguy13...I saw your blog here and wondered how it did indeed go on Tuesday? This is Wednesday and the first day I have been on the site in a length of time. I totally identify with all that you are saying and can see how you are jumping way ahead of yourself out of your excitement. I hope it went normal and well on Tuesday...normal and well would be, she liked your looks and you had light, agreeable conversation and didn't get into anything deep...just a get-to-know you sort of thing. By the way, she very likely was worried about the same things you were worried about...Will he find me attractive?, Should I tell him this or that?, Will he want a kiss?", etc. etc.? Women go through all the same emotions as men. And a good share of the time, a first date is also the last date because that is what a date is about, to find out if you two have anything at all in common and enjoy each others company....nothing deep, and often you don't! So, how did it in fact go? (I hope it went well for you both!)
  3. He sounds confused and confusing. I would not want to get pregnant with this man at this time because he sounds like he doesn't want it and you don't need to be raising a baby on your own. A baby deserves TWO loving parents who BOTH are happy about his existence and raising him together. He seems to be having cold feet and until he gets over that, I would NOT get pregnant...no matter the ticking biological clock. He is your husband and you love him....so give him time to adjust to the pressures he is feeling. That is what I think for what it is worth.
  4. I am going to save this one for my heartless mother. When I told her I wanted some compassion and sympathy from her...she launched into how too much sympathy is bad for a person. Too much? Really? How about NONE!, which is what she has give me....zero sympathy and compassion! Oh, I hate her so much for her lack of understanding and compassion!
  5. I wanna talk about how my son has not spoken to me in months. And how sad I am about it. I don't really understand what he is upset about. I asked and his wife replied with a B.S. list of offenses she claims I did, but much of it was pure lies. I didn't say the things she claims. I didn't even think them. I don't know how to write back to her/them and object to her list without alienating them more. They are both narcissistic and my therapist told me narcissistic people do not respond to logic. I am a very logical person, so naturally I want to respond and tell them logically that I didn't say or think the things my son's wife is claiming. But I think my son would then get mad at me for "badmouthing" his wife! How do I defend myself against her lies/misconceptions/misjudgements without offending her and then him? Ugh! I cry about it every day, at least a few times a day. No one ever notices I have been crying... I wish someone would notice so I could tell them why I am hurting so bad.
  6. Oh, I am so guilty of this but I don't realize I have done it until I have started my sentence and then I notice the other person has stopped talking to let me talk. then I realize what I have done. I say, Oh, I am sorry for interrupting, what were you saying? They often say, that's okay, go ahead, but of course it isn't okay. I am being rude but please know that often if they are like me, they don't mean to interrupt...
  7. Oh I wish I could give you the hug you need! It hurts me that you are hurting and wanting that human touch. I know cuz I have been there. There have been times in my life when I just hugged myself...I gave me what I needed...(A therapist told me to do that. She said I could pretend the arms around me squeezing tightly were the arms of another human being, or a loving parent.) It works! Just imagine your arms are the arms of someone else hugging you. It is not as good as the real thing of course, but it is far better than nothing. I think human touch is extremely healing....I need a hug too...so I send you a virtual hug and will imagine you are hugging me back! Our skin won't know the difference...it will just feel the warmth and tenderness of our hands.
  8. Hmmmm, what am I grateful for this morning...not much. I am grateful my work week is over and I will have a few days off to re-group. I need to do the dishes, SLEEP, work on my computer, and a zillion other things. But all I really wanna do is nothing! LOL! I would like to SLEEP for about a week, or at least escape into sleep for about a week. I wish the world would stop revolving and let me catch up, but since it won't I just want to escape into restful sleep where I don't have to think about all that I need to be doing! What a vicious cycle.
  9. Posted 22 December 2014 - 10:46 AM I have a big problem with this, and have temporarily quit therapy because of it. My issue is that I want a more attached and connected relationship then therapists feel is healthy. They say their role is to be a mirror, to give you none of themselves, but only to reflect back you for you. But I don't need a mirror, I need someone who cares and is willing to open up to me too; and if they're not willing to do that then I'm sure not either. A one sided relationship is the definition of rejection. I'm not going to a therapist to feel rejected. You, lp44 and SFChristianGirl like this Unlike Wow...I too want a therapist who is also a friend....I would settle for a friend who also acts like a therapist! LOL. I need connections because I have so very few of them....It seems to me that no body likes me much....I feel almost constantly rejected...like at work, I see people getting together and meeting up for lunch. I get invited once, then never again to such groups and I don't know why....was it something I said, the way I look, bad manners, I just have no clue. I conclude that my personality is just boring.... but, as long as you are paying the therapist, I don't think they will ever reject you. I understand they don't want you to form an close attachment to them, but it is critical that the T. be compassionate and an active listener, care about you and be truly interested in you. I don't have any anxiety about going to therapy except that I am pretty sure the therapist will be like my co-workers...and not like me. I just started with a new therapist (have been 2x) and this last time he was kind of giving me permission to try some other T. He said, if you don't think we are a good fit, there are plenty more and don't hesitate to try someone else. I immediately thought he was really telling me he didn't want to be my therapist. But then he summed up the session by saying that he could tell I was a detail person, strong and logical. I asked how he could tell and he said the minute I entered the room on our first visit, you had a presence and sometimes that puts people off, especially men. But, he said he finds me "interesting" and seemed to infer he would like me to continue to see him. How confusing!! I told him i hadn't made up my mind completely yet, but so far I thought he was good. I never judge anyone the first few times I meet them....but I found his comments fascinating because maybe he can provide some insight into why it seems like people eventually don't like me...especially men. I have never known what I did wrong. Back to your topic...I would encourage you to continue in therapy despite the anxiety...that probably means you are touching some subjects that are uncomfortable, but need to be dealt with. Sorry, if I am rambling..feeling lonely but need to go to bed. It is Christmas and I am alone and sad overall...
  10. Years ago, I was in group therapy and really loved it. It becomes almost a social outlet so I would highly recommend either group. I wish I could find a group in the area I currently live, but none are offered. So go far girl!
  11. I noticed JD4010 has not been back on this thread...hope he did not fall off the wagon and start drinking again... Shawn81...hey buddy, what is going on? What has got u so down on yourself?
  12. Ip44 I like therapy IF the therapist cares ... I hate it if they are watching the clock. I love group therapy because I think, like with this forum, there is lots of value in hearing all the various experiences and opinions. I am kind of wierd I guess, because I don't find it difficult at all to open up, in fact I feel the opposite. I feel awkward because I often reveal way too much too soon and it puts people off. I just started therapy (had one appt.) with a new therapist and I hope the next appt. he grows on me because although I opened up to him that first session...he did not respond at all to what I was saying except one (negative) comment...or at least I interpretted his comment to be critical... He says he is booked solid every 45 mins .... 6 days a week, so I am thinking he is way too busy to be interested in my therapy sessions. On the other hand, he might be busy because he is really good. We shall see. When can you trust your T? Test them with something little and see how they react. If they don't react the way you need, tell them, see what happens and if it is not a good fit, move on. There are lots of therapists. You need to find one that fits YOU. Ip44,....I don't have times when it is hard to breath, but I have a lot of times when I feel like I will NEVER feel happy and not feel like crying at the drop of a hat. My depression feelings are so near the surface, they are hard to control. sending you strength....
  13. If you live with female roommates...no, it is not okay. They probably can see everything and they don't want to...even by accident. Put on a pair of outdoor shorts. It is not that you might not have a great body, you probably do...but save it for an appropriate female. Women typically don't want to see men's private parts. We are women and we think differently about these things than men do...
  14. Gratitude....that is a very good thing to remember to have!! I like all of your entries... Here is mine: 1. I am grateful I have a roof over my head in all this rain we are having in So. Calif. (so many are homeless) 2. I am grateful I have plenty of food in my house and the ability to go buy more if I want to. (so many are hungry) I just wish I had the interest to go fix myself something to eat, rather than just grab nibble food! 3. I am grateful I have my daughter because my son is such a snot....35yrs old and still ungrateful to me. 4. I am grateful I have a job and although I don't make a ton of money, I enjoy what I do. 5. I am grateful I have two more days off this week because I sure have wasted my time today for the most part. I slept in till noon for starters! LOL! Gotta go, that's enough for now.
  15. Ha...this is so funny because I typically get kind of depressed when looking at FB too, so it is comforting to know others feel that way too. In fact, I don't like to go to my own FB account at all...that is way too depressing, but I like to go to my daughter's because it is so much more uplifting! She always has more upbeat things to read and happy, young people she is interacting with. I avoid my FB because it is filled with people I used to work with who don't give a hoot about me now that I left there and then there are the people I currently work with who are obviously much closer to other co-workers than I am, so that makes me feel worthless! I hate pictures of myself, so I don't post any photos of me on FB...I don't want all these people to see how much uglier I have gotten as the years go by! LOL! Yes, limit the time you spend on it. It is FAR, FAR better to call or visit the people you truly care about and don't monitor all these others on FB!! Curiousity is one thing, but when it becomes a time waster or a depressant, then it is time to stop doing it!
  16. I too have intrusive thoughts...I went through some significant trauma about 31 yrs ago and you would think I could stop thinking about it by now, but it is truely like it happened yesterday! I hate it! I can cry over it in a matter of seconds. The trauma continues to this day, thanks to my toxic family who won't let me forget. If I stay away from family...I do a lot better at forgetting. My family tells me to "just get over it"...Wow! that helped a lot, like I haven't been trying!
  17. I too feel like my life is a waste...I have done so many stupid things that if only I could live my life over, I would do better. Yet then I think of those peopIe who are terminal and wanting so badly to live and here I am pretty healthy, yet feel like it would be a relieve to be gone. Then that makes me feel stupid for feeling ungrateful for the gifts I have recieved. Ugh! I am lucky on many levels but so unlucky on so many other levels and that is what I am hearing from you Tami83. You have a PhD, and you are still young so that means you are intelligent and had a goal and accomplished it, that is wonderful! I don't know what your students are saying in their evaluations, but I wonder if another teacher would make the same observations? The students might be saying something of value that you can learn from and adjust your teaching style....or they may just be picking on something that you should ignore. I don't know but I would suggest having another professional give you some feedback as well. Students have their own agenda and may not know what is best for them....and be totally unappreciative of your efforts. You sound caring and interested and like you are really trying to do your best and those are excellent traits for a teacher. It sounds like you may have forgotten how much you have accomplished .... a lot! You are a work in progress, so give yourself credit for the good things you have done thus far in life and keep your chin up to face the next hurdle in life. Don't give up! P.S. I think everybody or nearly everybody feels insecure in social situations!
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