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About jkd_sd

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  1. A strange mix of determined and wishy-washy. I am having another bout of needing to get things done but only wanting to hide from the world. So, here we go again! As soon as I click the 'Submit Reply' button, I am going to log off, get ready, and get busy. For some strange reason it helps me get moving if I tell you all at DF about it. You must all be real slave-drivers. 😉
  2. I am so very sorry! Condolences and comfort to all. I have no words. No, @adamrparr, you do not sound cold and unfeeling. You sound frustrated and hurting. I am sorry for your losses and the pain you are going through. I know there is nothing I can do to make things better, but I do wish you all the support and strength you need to continue on to better times.
  3. Like I am in a soap bubble. Being able to describe how I feel is important to me. This depressive episode is different from the ones I had before, and it has been bothering me that I have not been able to describe how. This morning I finally found a description. Not the beginning of this episode, but for the last few weeks, it is like I am in a soap bubble. There is this little space that I am in. It is (relatively) peaceful in here, so I would like things to stay locked in place the way they are. But it is only a soap bubble, so it is definitely going to pop -- not 'if', but 'when'. I am terrified of what will happen when the bubble pops, so I am frozen still trying not to pop it. Being still is not the right thing to do (because it is the stillness of depression). Also, it really is not good to be in this bubble -- I am artificially separated from the world (hiding). It is a little bit of a relief to realize this. Unfortunately, it does not seem to help in dealing with it. <*sigh*> Maybe (just maybe) it will be a first step. Sorry for the rant. Thanks for your patience.
  4. Had a little sun, but now it is clouded over. We are supposed to get light snow this afternoon.
  5. That is interesting ... I used to dislike winter because of the 'slog' effect. Now I prefer winter. If I really want to go somewhere or do something, I will regardless of the weather; but the snow and bad weather give me an excuse to stay inside and avoid the world. Sometimes I really dislike good weather, because you are supposed to go outside and be active even if you do not feel like it. Shows what my outlook is like now. 😕
  6. Honestly do not know how I feel. As I have posted before, the anxiety is pretty well handled, but the depression is being stubborn. Just came from the counselor, and I am going to try a different approach -- if I can make myself. I told my counselor I was going to come to this site (not the actual site name) and ask for some support while I try to get a handle on the depression. She thought that was a good idea. Sooo, here I am. When I first came to this site, I kept waiting for someone to 'scold' me for responses I posted. ☹️ It took me a long time to realize that was because I am used to that reaction from the 'real world'. Every time someone leaves me a 'Like', etc., it is such a positive thing. Thank you all for your support. (((Hugs))) to all.
  7. Some libraries have special sections with large print books or can request them via inter-library loan. Never hurts to ask. 😉
  8. I am disappointed in and disgusted with myself. I am stuck in the cycle of planning to do a specific 'something' tomorrow. I think it through and decide, "Yes, I can do that!". Then 'tomorrow' arrives, and I can't/won't/don't do it; but I can plan to do it tomorrow. ... etc. ... This is why and how I feel so worthless and such a failure.
  9. Sorry you are back under these circumstances. Welcome! I have 'cycled' a few times before and am there again. 😢 Take heart that you did so well for so long. You did it before, you can do it again.
  10. @Epictetus that is a very good description! The other thing is what @adamrparr said ... When I am doing well, I just deal with whatever is going on in my world -- good or bad. What is missing is the 'thinking about thinking about all of it'. If that makes sense. 🤔
  11. The answer to your question is Yes! I posted this quote on another thread. It is something we must all try to remember when we feel like we are just slogging along. "You wake up every morning to fight the same demons that left you so tired the night before, and that, my love, is bravery."
  12. I sympathize with you. And, from your comment, it seems that you have also had the experience of this incompetence coming in 'waves'. After the third time of it happening on the same day, I want to just go home and hide under the covers.
  13. @sober4life I am sorry the specific issues are ones you will not be able to share with someone or resolve. I have a couple of those, too; and they can be tough. What helped some for me was to mentally 'put each in a box' and 'set them on a shelf'. Even if I am stuck with them, I stubbornly refuse to give them more 'space' in my life than is absolutely necessary or any of the 'prime real estate' in my life. You sound strong enough to deal with anything the universe can throw at you. If you feel yourself start to waver, we will gladly give you strength and support.
  14. @JD4010 Yay! for the good news, and Rats! for the bad news. So sorry you have to go through more tests, waiting, and uncertainty for the intestinal tumor. Hopefully it is less than nothing. Please take care.
  15. @sober4life is it possible that your mind is realizing that there is hope and that you are getting stronger, so it is revealing things from your past for you to finally 'deal with them'?
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