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About bluetree721

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  1. Thank you, Epictetus. Hope your life gets better.
  2. I'm in a similar situation. We're better off alone. They behave like this, then wonder why we're paranoid. It is lonely, I know, but it's better than being round people who kick you when you're down. I hope things get better for you.
  3. I find that men who seem interested in me, lose interest when they find out I'm not a gold-digger. They seem interested in me, then go off with a money grabber. I'm sick and tired of everything. I feel sad for them in a way, because they think all they're worth is what they can give someone financially. I am also angry with them for being so pathetic for choosing them . They think the only way they can keep someone is by paying them. I wouldn't ask them for a penny. Is that all the world is, money and ego trips. It's so depressing. I know a nice man, who's with a gold-digger. He's overweight, so I think he's been brainwashed into thinking that's all he can get. It makes me angry and jealous, as I feel like we had chemistry but she's got her claws in. She cheats on him. I feel like we could have been happy, but she's got in the way. Her and her greed. I hate seeing her when I go out. Every time I see him, she's there. It's horrible knowing I can never be loved, just because I'm not greedy and selfish.
  4. I'm feeling jealous at the moment. Gold-diggers are chosen over me. I wouldn't have asked them for a penny, but they don't want that. I put it down to them having a low opinion of themselves and thinking all they have to offer is money. Perhaps, they think she's more likely to stay with them if she's financially dependent. I can't be a gold-digger. It's just not who I am, so I suppose I will just have to make the most of the horrible, lonely life I've got. I can't bear to be around them now. Especially, if they've seemed interested in me, then asked someone else out. I feel like I will breakdown, if I have to listen to it any more. I don't want to give them that satisfaction, but it's getting harder to pretend I'm not bothered. I just try to avoid them now.
  5. I think in a way your mood swings are a good thing, because when you're depressed a good mood comes along and takes you out of it.
  6. Ontheedge, I feel just like this. There have been times that I've been very lonely, but often when I've reached out I've been kicked when I'm down or had people try to prey on me in some way. It's made me fear people. I feel uncomfortable, even having basic conversations in the outside world now and the thought of having a relationship makes me want to run a mile. This is difficult, when I live in a society that seems to be obsessed with relationships. A lot of time I wonder why they bother, it doesn't seem to bring happiness very often. I know there are happy couples, but it seems the chances of finding this are pretty slim. I've just accepted being alone now, I feel like there's no other choice. I'm too broken to get involved with anyone now and I don't want to be mended, just to break again. Maybe, some time on your own will help you to heal and perhaps at some time you will feel ready to be more sociable.
  7. The isolation when I go out is making me want to starve. It's like 'Ana' is saying, 'You don't need them, you have me'. 'I'm always here in difficult times. Where are they? Left you to rot again'. These statements are true. I think I will give in a bit. The outside world is too traumatic.
  8. I think if you went out with him after he said that, he wouldn't have respect for you and he would probably dump on you somewhere down the line. If it doesn't feel right, then it isn't. I get what you're saying about the safety net. There's part of me that wants to think I'm so ugly nobody would be interested. If people then show an interest I feel uneasy. Although, going around thinking I'm the ugliest thing ever is depressing, in a strange way it's a safety net. I don't want to allow myself to feel like I'm attractive to anyone, as it's like I would let down my defences and it would hit me harder if they then turned round and said I was hideous.
  9. I had a bad relationship last year and I felt too much. It was awful. As a result, I have shut down. I feel like this is necessary and go with it, rather than against it. The pain was too much. The bad relationship combined with other things. I think your mind is having a rest and if you allow this and take things easy, your recovery could happen quicker and you could start to feel better.
  10. I feel like they're destroying me. It's like I always have to be on guard. I'm so tired of the ulterior motives. Why can't they just be genuine and straightforward? I'm going to have to act more extrovert, as I sense that horrible preditor vibe off people when I'm quiet. I shouldn't have to. I just want to be left to get on with my life and wait to die, but they won't leave me in peace. In the past, I wanted them to talk to me but I've had to put up with so much . I'm exhausted by it. I have no interest now. There are people I like around me, but because I'm so tired and can't say what's on my mind, I can only manage basic small talk. I just feel like I've lived enough and want to die. My life seems to go on for ever. I sometimes think death has forgotten me.
  11. I do stick up for myself now and don't put up with their crap any more. It shouldn't be like this though. If I don't feel like talking because I'm depressed, I shouldn't have to. It's like they expect me to speak to them. Why don't they speak to me? When I had severe pain and went to hospital, I was sleeping a lot or pretending to. I was ill and didn't want to be the life and soul of the party. The other patients bonded while I was sleeping. Sometimes a group will target someone to strengthen their bond. One of them was laughing at me when I went passed. My stomach sank. It's bad enough to behave like that when someone's well, but to do it when someone is ill is vile. They were so stupid. It's like they couldn't understand why I wasn't chatty. I was ill. It's a hospital. How ignorant are these people? They can't or won't put themselves in someone else's shoes. They were patients themselves. Why couldn't they understand? Apparently, they were well enough to bully me. I hate them. That particular time, I was too ill to fight back. I just tried to detach myself. Though I've promised myself to never put up with that again. They didn't speak to me. Surely, it's easier for a group to talk to an individual than the other way round. I tried to be helpful to one of the other patients, and I did not deserve the way they behaved. When another patient was vomiting, they were asking if she was ok and if she wanted a nurse. I was just left to rot, crying in the bed. Not once did they ask how I was or if I needed help. I had done nothing to them. I suppose if it happens again, I will have to do a song and dance and be the life and soul, no matter how ill I am, or otherwise put up with their .
  12. Could you get a more solitary job? Petcare, gardening, phone job etc. I personally find it's not a good idea to be around others when depression and anxiety is bad.
  13. You're better off without so-called friends, who would only be friends with you for how you look. Even if you can't find friends in the outside world, you can always talk to people on here. You could also join forums for people who play computer games.
  14. Ruminating after events definitely makes it worse, and makes next time even more nerve wracking. The thing to do, is keep moving forward. Don't look back. It takes practise and can take quite a while to get used to, but it's worth persisting with. The memories will still come into your head, but just let them come and go themselves. Don't force yourself to keep replaying them. I take a type of beta-blocker. Be careful with these though, as I've recently found out they can cause a heart attack if stopped. I stopped taking them recently, because one of the side-effects is extreme fatigue. I got an extreme headache. I don't know if it was withdrawal or not. I didn't know about the heart attack risk at the time, but my anxiety came back and my heart was racing. I'm now back on them, as I would rather have the tiredness than the anxiety but it's a personal choice. Also, when you're around people try looking inside out and what's around you, rather than outside in ( like how people view you ). I tend to dissociate as well. Which helps to buffer my mind from my surroundings. The drawback though is sometimes this means you don't notice things around you and it's better to keep your wits about you to an extent.
  15. I think a lot of people are used to being treated badly in relationships, so don't know how to react to romance. It doesn't feel familiar to them. It's not that they like being treated badly, it's just they get used to it.
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