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nexus321

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  1. I see her as little as I can. I do my best not to answer the phone when she calls. All she does it blame my dad for every single thing that went wrong in her life, it never ends. Every single topic comes back to my dad, it's like it's her favorite thing in the world to badmouth him. She called me today and stupidly I answered the phone. She went into a diatribe about how my dad doesn't want me to succeed in life (she thinks) and that he's poison and wants me to be a failure forever. And then she says how my dad's side of the family wants me to fail and stay a loser forever. And then she goes into detail how I ruined my life by not getting good grades in high school (she was bipolar and would kick me out of the house at 4 am) I was bullied and I had a learning disability. But that didn't matter. I suddenly lose it when she says it's all my fault and she has always supported me. I mention the beatings and throwing me out of the house when I was in high school and I snap and start talking about chickening myself if I'm such a failure. I throw the phone at my computer monitor. This was 7 hours ago and I still feel awful, like I never want to talk to her.
  2. "I wish I had you aborted" she said this to me at age 12. My mom would routinely hit me with a wooden stick she had, I would run into the bathroom and lock the door to get away from her, she would take a screwdriver and she would loosen up the screws of the door handle and pull the door handle off, so it couldn't be opened from the inside, so I was stuck in the bathroom. Growing up there was this social-worker that would routinely show up at the house to check how things were. One time while she was there my mom had one of her famous bipolar mental breakdowns, and the social-worker stood between us as she was shielding me from her, she took me out of there and drove me to her office. I asked her if my family was the worse she'd ever seen, she wouldn't give an answer, but I kept asking until she caved "YES" she said sadly. She told me that she didn't feel it was safe for me to be staying with my mother. She made arrangements for me to live with my uncle because I didn't want to live in a foster home. I stayed at my uncle's house for a few weeks. It was nice, I got to see my cousins, I got to hug them and read them bedtime stories. That made me a little bit happy. But my aunt resented that I stayed there, she would argue with my uncle "Why is he here!? When is he leaving!?" I tried to not let it bother me, but it did. I recall one evening my aunt had her parents for dinner and she and my uncle had this long talk about me and how long I was going to stay, of how much my aunt couldn't handle it. One day my mom showed up at my uncle's house and said "you can come home but only if you behave" hearing those words boiled my blood as tears ran down my face. I said "sorry" and I moved back 'home'. As the years flew by she would continue to do this, She would abuse me physically and mentally. It was like she got a kick out of tormenting me, I started to have suicidal thoughts. I was a really bad student and I had trouble learning, my mom would use this against me. She would call me lazy and stupid. I felt stupid. I was placed in a class for dumb people in 9th grade. The teacher didn't care, he was an old man who you could tell was just doing this because it was a job, he didn't care about his students. I would get picked on for going to my 'special classes' and bullies would try to beat me up. At first I was scared of them, they were bigger and stronger than me. But then I started fighting them, one by one. And I started to win. I broke Øysteins nose and made him cry, I stabbed Roy in the stomach with a sharp pencil I kept in my pocket. I even scratched the left side of his cheek so he had a a pretty bad scar for the next 6 months. The kids talked **** about me for scratching him but seeing that scar on his face for the next 6 months was all the validation I needed. My dad worked in Dubai so he was gone most of the time. I would call him crying, and he would just give me this speech about tolerating my mother and to not fight with her, I started to resent my dad for making me to go through this. For not being around. When I was 16 my dad asked that I live with him in Dubai, he suggested I go to high school there. Life in Dubai was not what I expected it would be, my dad would drink heavily and yell around the house, he would even start talking to himself and have imaginary conversations with people for hours. Oh and did I mention my dad was/is a functioning alcoholic, one time he almost broke my arm because I yelled at him while he was drunk. In high school things weren't going any better, I was being bullied every single day and my mom would call every single day, I ignored her phone-calls for 3 months but then I gave in. She said she was sorry, and I forgave her. I believed she had changed. Things weren't working out with my dad either so I moved back home to my mother. She would throw me out of the house at 4-5 AM most of the times the next before an exam. She would talk to her friends about me loudly, "oh he's a nobody, just like his dad". I remember one evening I was eating dinner in the living room and my mom for no reason turned to me and said "you know, I don't think you'll ever amount to anything in life" I said "thanks mom, that's nice" "I'm just being honest" She said. When I was 17 I put on a lot of weight and she would call me fat every single day. Even though I told her to stop, that it hurt my feelings. She would just do it anyway. It brought her happiness. We would have fights because I told her to stop calling me that but she would do it anyway. I didn't have any friends, I was invisible at my school. I failed most of my HS classes and that gave my mother all the ammunition she needed. But I think I wouldn't have done poorly if my life at home had been 'normal'. I recently started retaking the classes I failed and I'm doing really well, I'm getting really good grades.In the recent years my relationship with my mother has been on/off. But a few months ago I realized she's never going to change, that I'll never have a mother. "I wish you were never born" "I wish you had stayed at the foster-home" "you never buy me anything for mother's day" "you are just like you're father" "I am a great mother" Me: "you say things like I wish I had you aborted and you want me to get you a mother's day present!?" During our last fight she called me by my father's name. That's when I realized she was crazy, normal people don't like living like this, but she loves it. I am not some human punching bag for her when she is bored. And I am done, I don't care if she calls me crying on the phone. I will not forgive her and I will not let her ruin the rest of the years of my life. Her punishment is to live a very long and lonely life and die alone. The way she has treated me is unforgivable. Goodbye Mother.
  3. Thanks for commenting everyone, it means a lot to me.
  4. "I wish I had you aborted" she said this to me at age 12. My mom would routinely hit me with a wooden stick she had, I would run into the bathroom and lock the door to get away from her, she would take a screwdriver and she would loosen up the screws of the door handle and pull the door handle off, so it couldn't be opened from the inside, so I was stuck in the bathroom. Growing up there was this social-worker that would routinely show up at the house to check how things were. One time while she was there my mom had one of her famous bipolar mental breakdowns, and the social-worker stood between us as she was shielding me from her, she took me out of there and drove me to her office. I asked her if my family was the worse she'd ever seen, she wouldn't give an answer, but I kept asking until she caved "YES" she said sadly. She told me that she didn't feel it was safe for me to be staying with my mother. She made arrangements for me to live with my uncle because I didn't want to live in a foster home. I stayed at my uncle's house for a few weeks. It was nice, I got to see my cousins, I got to hug them and read them bedtime stories. That made me a little bit happy. But my aunt resented that I stayed there, she would argue with my uncle "Why is he here!? When is he leaving!?" I tried to not let it bother me, but it did. I recall one evening my aunt had her parents for dinner and she and my uncle had this long talk about me and how long I was going to stay, of how much my aunt couldn't handle it. One day my mom showed up at my uncle's house and said "you can come home but only if you behave" hearing those words boiled my blood as tears ran down my face. I said "sorry" and I moved back 'home'. As the years flew by she would continue to do this, She would abuse me physically and mentally. It was like she got a kick out of tormenting me, I started to have suicidal thoughts. I was a really bad student and I had trouble learning, my mom would use this against me. She would call me lazy and stupid. I felt stupid. I was placed in a class for dumb people in 9th grade. The teacher didn't care, he was an old man who you could tell was just doing this because it was a job, he didn't care about his students. I would get picked on for going to my 'special classes' and bullies would try to beat me up. At first I was scared of them, they were bigger and stronger than me. But then I started fighting them, one by one. And I started to win. I broke Øysteins nose and made him cry, I stabbed Roy in the stomach with a sharp pencil I kept in my pocket. I even scratched the left side of his cheek so he had a a pretty bad scar for the next 6 months. The kids talked **** about me for scratching him but seeing that scar on his face for the next 6 months was all the validation I needed. My dad worked in Dubai so he was gone most of the time. I would call him crying, and he would just give me this speech about tolerating my mother and to not fight with her, I started to resent my dad for making me to go through this. For not being around. When I was 16 my dad asked that I live with him in Dubai, he suggested I go to high school there. Life in Dubai was not what I expected it would be, my dad would drink heavily and yell around the house, he would even start talking to himself and have imaginary conversations with people for hours. Oh and did I mention my dad was/is a functioning alcoholic, one time he almost broke my arm because I yelled at him while he was drunk. In high school things weren't going any better, I was being bullied every single day and my mom would call every single day, I ignored her phone-calls for 3 months but then I gave in. She said she was sorry, and I forgave her. I believed she had changed. Things weren't working out with my dad either so I moved back home to my mother. She would throw me out of the house at 4-5 AM most of the times the next before an exam. She would talk to her friends about me loudly, "oh he's a nobody, just like his dad". I remember one evening I was eating dinner in the living room and my mom for no reason turned to me and said "you know, I don't think you'll ever amount to anything in life" I said "thanks mom, that's nice" "I'm just being honest" She said. When I was 17 I put on a lot of weight and she would call me fat every single day. Even though I told her to stop, that it hurt my feelings. She would just do it anyway. It brought her happiness. We would have fights because I told her to stop calling me that but she would do it anyway. I didn't have any friends, I was invisible at my school. I failed most of my HS classes and that gave my mother all the ammunition she needed. But I think I wouldn't have done poorly if my life at home had been 'normal'. I recently started retaking the classes I failed and I'm doing really well, I'm getting really good grades.In the recent years my relationship with my mother has been on/off. But a few months ago I realized she's never going to change, that I'll never have a mother. "I wish you were never born" "I wish you had stayed at the foster-home" "you never buy me anything for mother's day" "you are just like you're father" "I am a great mother" Me: "you say things like I wish I had you aborted and you want me to get you a mother's day present!?" During our last fight she called me by my father's name. That's when I realized she was crazy, normal people don't like living like this, but she loves it. I am not some human punching bag for her when she is bored. And I am done, I don't care if she calls me crying on the phone. I will not forgive her and I will not let her ruin the rest of the years of my life. Her punishment is to live a very long and lonely life and die alone. The way she has treated me is unforgivable. Goodbye Mother.
  5. Why should she like me? Why would she be interested in me? I'm not muscular,tall, popular or rich enough. These are the thoughts I get when I talk to a girl I like. I don't want to think like this but I can't seem to stop. How do I change my way of thinking???? help!
  6. I forgot I had written this. I guess it's nice to know I'm not the only one going through this. Some times life just doesn't seem worth it.
  7. So at my college today we had this activity day, we were supposed to be paired of into groups of 8 and do these activities like :playing darts,jogging,solving puzzles etc. Well at first I was really trying to talk to my group but the only time they talked to me was when I asked them a question. They were talking amongst themselves. I felt ostracized. After 3 hours of trying to talk to them I gave up, and just became super quiet. I started to feel really depressed, like no one cared about what I had to say and that they didn't want to be my friend. I left an hour early because I couldn't bare to see them anymore. Now I'm home and I'm really depressed, I try but people just don't like me. IT'S NOT LIKE I WASN'T TRYING. I was talking but they just all ignored me...sigh.
  8. These days I'm constantly depressed. I find myself catching myself murmuring "I hate my life" very often. My depression is getting worse as time is going on. My parents say that my depression will just go away one day but that is a lie. I have been depressed for most, if not all of my life. Why am I depressed you ask? Well, I'm a 26 year old. I don't have have girlfriend (never have, despite trying). I've been trying to get a job for years now without any luck. I still live at home with my parents. I get so depressed when I see other people my age with their friends or kissing I just want to scream. I'm tired of feeling lonely. I just want a girlfriend. I asked out a girl that works in my course a few days ago and she gave me some bs excuse that she wasn't allowed to date where she worked. Kinda felt like she was letting me down gently but that's all I ever get. I kinda don't want to try anymore because rejection is all I get. But yet my heart craves to find that special someone.
  9. But I'm lonely, all I ever think about is what it might be like to not be so alone. I've never had a girlfriend and I'm scared that might never happen. You're right I'm not in a good place right now but I do feel like a relationship might fix me of this depression. Maybe I'll start to appreciate things again? Maybe life won't seem so cruel and lonely anymore???
  10. Do You Ever Feel Like You Can't Talk To Anyone About Your Depression? I've told my parents that I'm depressed but it doesn't seem like they really care or believe me. Even when I tell them what's bothering me in life it's like they don't hear me. I still feel terrible, like I hadn't said anything. I've been depressed for so long I can see my personality changing. I never smile, I'm always scared of people. I am scared of being judged. I can't look people in their eyes because I know I'll get pity looks. I am so quiet now. I used to be the guy who was always making people laugh, I was known as the guy who talks a lot but now that's all gone. I'm afraid that person (me) might be gone forever and that scares me more than I can put into words. Am I the only one who feels like this? I'm scared of the future. I am scared of never meeting someone special. I am scared of never fitting in, never having friends. I am scared of never getting a job or success and watching everyone I know pass me by. I am scared of failing. I am always scared.
  11. I hope so. I just feel like I've lost so much hope as I'm getting older. Even my parents can tell I'm sad and here I thought I hid it really well. How can I love myself when I don't even like myself. I feel inadequate as a person. Like everyone is better than me. Thank you both for commenting it really helps.
  12. 11 years ago me and Sarah were inseparable. We had been best friends our whole lives and since I could remember I had been madly in love with her. She was the girl of my dreams, my soulmate. The girl I would one day marry and have kids with. She lived in Sweden, I would often visit her ( I have family there). One random day in 2005 she told me that "she really really loved me" I was so happy! But I was terrified. What if I messed things up and ruined our friendship? I asked her if we could do this some other time. I took her feelings for granted. I thought her feelings like mine would stay like that forever. As soon as I returned home I realized how dumb and wrong I was. I loved this girl, I wanted us to be together. I should have told her that. I saw her 3 years later. And I wanted to tell her this but before I could she sat me down and told me she had met someone. I was crushed. She didn't love me anymore. I just didn't understand how you could care so much about someone and love them so much and suddenly that feeling vanishes? She later got married to that guy at age 20. I remember seeing the pictures on facebook and contemplating suicide. The girl I had loved since I was a toddler was now married to someone else. Since we had common friends we sorta kept in touch. One of those facebook things. But I've never stopped loving her and wishing in my heart that she may come back to me. Why am I mentioning this you ask? Well recently she was traveling Europe and she stayed at my cousin's house. I got to see her and she told me that I was just a crush and that I meant nothing to her. It's 11 years later and I still feel it, still feel the agony of her saying the words "I don't love you". What I would give to go back in time to the days she said she loved me. I am so sad today, she used to love me. She used to say things like "I really love you that I'll always love you" Lies. Just lies. You would think at least 1% of fondness or love would be in her heart for me but you would be wrong, there is nothing. Nothing at all except indifference. I would give anything to have her look at me the way she did, speak the way she did. I would be so happy if I heard her say the words that she loved me that marrying that other guy was just one big mistake. That she wishes that she could go back so we could be together. But we will never be together. That dream is a fallacy. There is no place in her heart for me. After spending an entire day with her I can see that now. I hate my life. This life is nothing more than sadness. I wish I could go back, just once you know. Back to the days when she used say I love you. I was so hoping that she would like me again. But nah, she doesn't care. She doesn't even care to hug me. It's not fair, how was I supposed to know that, that was my one and only chance at love!? I didn't know. I thought it would always be there. I was so wrong. I should have had my first kiss with her, I should have had my first sexual experience with her. I'm 26 years old and guess what I've never even had my first kiss. How was I supposed to know that, that was my one and only chance at kissing someone!? Of finding someone who loved me!? I hate myself for not manning up and kissing her then and there. I know we would be married now if I had. I am an *****. I'm tired of being sad all day, tired of looking at porn imagining what it might actually feel like to be with a woman. I've asked out hundreds of women but no one likes me. I've done this in every venue you can imagine and I've tried online dating. No one likes me. Even when I watch hollywood movies, I get jealous when there is a kissing scene, I have never had that. And I never will. The sadness in me is growing, every day. I've stopped smiling, I never laugh. I can't make eye contact with people because I'm afraid the way they'll look at me. Like I'm not enough. That I am failure. I just don't want to live anymore. P.S. Reading comments makes me feel better. I would really appreciate hearing anyone's thoughts on this.
  13. People keep telling me to hang on, that it'll get better. I just don't see it ever happening. I am tired of being alone, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I hate seeing people hold hands when I have never held someones hand in my life. I hate myself. Why wouldn't I? No one likes me. I am some kind of freak oddity that can't find his place in this cruel nightmare world. I didn't ask to be here, I didn't ask to exist. Whenever I visit my uncle and his family all they ever do is ask if I've met someone. That just kills me inside and makes me want to scream! I am 26 and I haven't even had my first kiss yet. I have missed out on so much life has to offer. Jesus Christ! Most people my age have dated multiple people and have already settled down when they're my age! I haven't even had sex. I try! I talk to women and I can sometimes make them laugh. I've even had a few of them give me their numbers and made me promise to call them. But when I do they never answer. I HATE THIS WORLD. This world is a nightmare that lasts 80 years and all I want to do is wake up.
  14. Today, I was on the tram on my way to my university. There weren't any seats available so I had to stand. Standing next to me was this young couple I'm guessing 17 years old, the guy was dark skinned (like me) and the girl was white. They were so much in love, every now and then they would give each other this tiny peck on the lips and just seeing that made me want to jump off a cliff. Here I am 26 years old and I've never had a girlfriend, had sex or even kissed for that matter. I kept telling myself the reason for this was that my skin color was too dark and that women here in Norway are somewhat racist. But 'that' guy had a girlfriend. So the problem is me, the problem has always been me. No one likes me, no one has ever liked and no one ever will. I cried when I walked out of the tram, I kept crying and I even cried when I got home. I wouldn't wish pain like this on my worst enemy. I would give anything to know just for 1 day what it is like to be liked, to be loved. To fit in. I would give my soul. But that's never going to happen. I am never going to be happy. Days like this is all I'll ever be getting. I'm tired, I'm tired of fighting. I am tired of thinking tomorrow will be different. It won't because it hasn't. I look around on facebook and everyone is doing better than me, people I went to high school with 10 years ago are so happy. Some are married, some are engaged, some have great jobs, some are traveling the world and dating people one after another. And here I am, a 26 year old kissless male virgin loser who can't even get a job. Who is basically Quasimodo in the eyes of 99.9999999% of women. The only reason I don't **** myself is that my dad would get sad, other than that I really don't see any reason why anyone would care. I can't keep putting on this fake smile when inside I am dying. I just want the pain to end. I just want it to end.
  15. I'm a 26 year old male loser who's trying to get his GED equivalency. I have never had a girlfriend, I have never kissed and I have never had sex. I can't even get a job, I don't have a drivers license because I keep panicking when I do the driving test. I don't have friends, people don't like me. I feel so alone, I have no one to talk to. What kind of life is this? What am I living for? The only reason I don't **** myself is because my dad would be sad, other than that I see no reason to not do it. I wish I had friends I wish I had people who cared about me. I really wish I had a girlfriend, I wish I knew what a kiss felt like. I'm a complete failure in life and I don't see it ever working out for me. No one would really miss me when I'm dead. I should just end it. No point in living another 50 years like this. I spend the entire day alone without anyone to talk to. My day is like: get up, watch tv, do some studying on the computer and watch tv again. And that's it, there is nothing fun about it. The same day repeats itself. Days blur together. I can't stop being sad, I keep thinking about suicide. I get rejected by women left and right it's like I am no ones type. I wish I could just die, this world is hell.
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