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Everything posted by feelinglostagain

  1. Trying to find the courage to apply for a few retail jobs, in person.
  2. Need to confess. Since the end of 2011 I go to bed wishing I could never wake up again. I know it goes against cognitive therapy I had, but it's just another thing I blame myself for.... not trying hard enough. Two weeks ago I swallowed a two month supply of pills, a little more than half at first, then lay down feeling funny, sleepy, suddenly felt like the flu, coming out both ends. After that, took the rest, more slowly. Fell asleep, apparently puked those up too as there was a puddle next to the couch. This will probably get deleted.... No comments needed, just wanted to dump this secret out to see if it changes how I feel.
  3. Thanks to all for responding. I did call a hotline weeks ago and the young woman sounded slightly bothered and acted like what I was telling her was no big deal. In a cheery/dismissive tone, she said "Oh, you just need your medication adjusted", "Why don't you get a job at X or Y?". "I sure wish I​ could go back to school" (after I tell her about my extreme frustration in the job search after working and sacrificing to go back to school, and some of the crap and actual abuse suffered at crap jobs, rude interviewers etc). I have tried and tried things, part of the problem, at least to me, is that I am in a part of the country where stupid is the norm. Even at the counselor's office, I was supposed to sign this form. The form stated my signature was acknowledgement of receipt of legal information "on the back", but the back of page was blank. When I asked about it, this stupid, lazy, employed woman said "AW, you don't need that" (I insisted on getting the information). It was like I was a problem, not that this office was just sloppy. Sorry to go on, I am just often doubting my own perceptions there has been so many situations in the past couple years that seem just off the wall stupid, illegal, etc etc, and I feel like I must just be a crank with a screwed up head. Anyway, thanks to all.
  4. Since you own property together, there will have to be some resolution if this relationship is over. I think your upset regarding the cat is reaching for straws (excuse to contact him and blame him and control him). People can only have opinions, no one here has all the facts so please don't take anything on these forums as the absolute truth. Have you started any kind of counseling to get some help for yourself with all this stress?
  5. Hiring a detective is not a good idea. Spying on him is not a good idea. Please do not see him as the one with the problem just because he was diagnosed with depression, as you seem to have some very serious control and boundary issues that you could be working on. No one is perfect. Take care of yourself and leave him alone.
  6. Hungry (out of food again), too anxious to apply for any more jobs. Trying to get back to posting on here since at least it's little bit of a connection.
  7. I simply shared my reaction, did not say I felt invalidated, did not attack anyone, but certainly now feel invalidated and attacked. Just what I needed. Thanks so much
  8. Triggered me also, had to stop myself from writing a snippy defensive upset post.
  9. Feeling like garbage, just finished an online questionnaire for a low paying job, and through the whole thing I kept thinking that life is too complicated for most of the questions, always thinking "it depends", but I know those things are great at assessing people, so no doubt it will be revealed just how nuts I am and I won't get an interview, much less a job. Plan B.
  10. I am sorry if my comments did not help, or worse. I am glad you posted this thread as it helped me to think about some things. For me, that is the real value in these forums, a little window into other people's hearts and minds bringing an opportunity to connect a little and grow and learn, maybe. Best of luck!
  11. I think I understand what you are talking about. It may seem counterintuitive but don't share what you know. The hierarchy is everything, it's all about pretending to be a team player after all. You may be rocking the boat, or maybe what you have to contribute is being experienced by others as intimidating or beyond what they know. As far as a compassionate way of dealing with it, your expectations of changing your perceived status by sharing what you know may be making people feel bad about themselves (which is not your fault of course). You feel like you are at the bottom, and they may be perceiving you as you believing you are superior. Just some thoughts. I feel for you, I am terrible at all that social/political crap that goes on and I wish you much luck in doing better than I ever could, because my life is a mess, so the previous poster is right about being perceived as a "weirdo" as being a problem. If this is about a work situation, you might want to look at other fields, the kind that don't adhere to the good ole boys teamwork hierarchy bs. It's all about the pretense of teamwork and the more socially adept go farther because they know how to manipulate others, not because they know more about the work or the subject. Also, I am sorry that anyone here would suggest you are a "weirdo", but it may be an indication you spoke too soon about .........
  12. E-mail search? If you're using your "official" one. Maybe idk Many sites/apps determine your ip address when you start an account so everything is connected. Used to be you could just use an alternate email address, but no so much anymore. If you search your name for social media, it may bring up the twitter. Some sites are even now merging multiple accounts using ip, even though the accounts have been set up with different names/email addresses. The internet is becoming less and less anonymous, good or bad.
  13. Yes. Is selfish automatically a bad thing? People are selfish all the time. As far as hurting other people by committing suicide, we all hurt people throughout our lives in many ways.
  14. Been quite down and down on myself, down on the world. I go to Kroger, run into a woman I worked with at Panera, the place that fired me, then ignored my request for investigation blah blah blah, then told food stamps I quit, lost those, blah blah blah. I worked like a fool at that place, doing about twice what the kids there could do because of my experience etc. Chatted with the woman from there for a bit, and I don't know if it's funny as hell or sad as hell, but there she was, wearing her panera name tag, black t shirt that had so much pet hair on it, it could have been used for a cat bed for a week before she put it on. Walking around, covered in cat hair, on her way home from working at a restaurant, wearing her name tag so everyone in Kroger can know that cat hair just might be an added ingredient at this Panera. She was covered with cat hair from the first day I met her, and she is now a trainer, being promoted to supervisor., I was constantly teased about being old, fired, told off when the district manager finally called including some garbage about what "everyone" up there said (negatively) about me, and this cat hair covered woman who did nothing but whine from what I remember, will be management soon. Jeez, the world is so freakin crazy Why have I always felt like the little boy in that kids' book "The emperors new clothes"?
  15. Frightened and resentful, too overwhelmed to read and comment on others' stuggles, sorry, but I wish you all well as much as I can right now.
  16. I can't answer this because I believe many things on the list are caused by the depression, not vice versa; chicken or the egg for me.
  17. Thanks so much for the input, I often need a different perspective (don't we all?) and get caught up in my own rut of ocd about rules. To address some comments: this complex requires written, dated, signed "complaints" or they are not given any credence, which is understandable, and the petty atmosphere has already been created by others, while I keep my mouth shut. The sight of a couple of shirts hanging by someone's door is vastly different from someone blocking the only means of egress from a dwelling. I have decided to simply have an unofficial conversation with the managers just so they have information
  18. Ok, don't know if I posted about a neighbor turning me in for hanging out a couple of clothes by my door to air dry. Well, I got in trouble and now feel even more pi**y about my neighbors. Right now, a woman from upstairs has not one but TWO chairs all but blocking the walkway here on the ground level. I mean I have to squeeze between her chairs (one of which she has her feet propped up in) and the stairs to go up. So, I went out and took pictures of it, also took pictures of another woman upstairs with clothes hanging out. Given the crap I have put up with (dogs running loose, people storing furniture outside under the stairwells and in the breezeways, people flicking ashes from above right where I need to walk, illegal bar b cues etc) and always just thought we had to get along, I don't know if I am just overreacting because my own life is such a mess, part of which is the fact I may get kicked out of low income housing because I have no income. So the question is am I overreacting to want to show management this pic of this inconsiderate woman all but blocking the walkway? (I am shaking as I write this, how stupid is this?)
  19. Felt really silly for a couple of reasons. What with my unemployment/rejections, ill family member, money problems, health issues (my shoulder is messed up), on and on, what I have been doing the last week or so is just silly. I lived on food pantry beans and macaroni with soy stuff for about two and a half months. Got my tax refund, bought a few groceries, and have been craving ice cream, but instead of just buying and eating the evil ice cream, I have bought and eaten substitutes that were no healthier or cheaper (cookies, m&ms) and infinitely less satisfying. So feeling silly about the fact I made this a huge deal, failed by eating comparable calories and spending probably more money, and still obsessed that I just didn't get ice cream, so I am going to go get some..... For some reason with all the reasons I can beat myself up, I am entertained when I finally realized what an internal drama I have created about some stupid ice cream. I can be so stupid sometimes HAHAHA!
  20. JJ I so hate the dental drama for you! havehope, I don't mean this in a mean way, but you know if you were abused, and you were. I don't think anyone here would judge you for staying, we all do things like that, and often there are so many good things that we don't tell people about, then vent about the bad things, so people only here the bad. I think you are smart to not want to engage when he is being that way. I hope that makes things better. I have known couples whose standard interaction is all about blaming, accusing, fussing and criticizing, so maybe that's his blueprint for a "normal" relationship and if you refuse to participate it may help. Best of luck!
  21. I agree your stepmother is abusing you, and it made me mad too. As far as chores go, historically boys end up spending much less time on chores than girls in most households (dishes, laundry, cleaning vs yardwork, taking the garbage out etc), so it may be true, but it is not uncommon, and you have a right to feel upset of course, but don't think you are alone. You said speaking with the school counselor didn't seem to help, but please try that again and print out some of the descriptions here about punishments and let the counselor read them. Please do this.
  22. I am sorry for all you are going through. You have found a good resource in these forums. Try really hard to not be down on yourself, I know it's kind of impossible to not ruminate, and I can't tell you how to stop going over things in your mind, worrying, and tallying up all the things that went wrong, or where you think you went wrong etc, because I can't stop doing that myself. I do know that sometimes it helps, when things are really bad, to do some small little thing you enjoy, maybe something creative, or just making yourself listen to music you life and move around a little, dance even. You have been through really rough things so don't be hard on yourself about being emotionally down. Even those who don't suffer from depression feel badly after a loss, and you have lost a lot in a short period of time. Keep trying and seeing the doctors and remember as far as your relationship goes, everyone experiences heartbreaks, that it is a part of life and not an indicator of your worth, or a result of you being unworthy. As far as debt goes, it's hard, but it's money, at some point you may want to file bankruptcy, people do it all the time, many people don't even have debt from being ill or having real problems, they just run up the bills then file bankruptcy, sometimes more than once. Look at how many people in the entertainment industry have had millions and millions and repeatedly have filed bankruptcy. I hope today holds a little bit of relief for you and that for even a short period of time you feel a little joy in something.
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