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jahanae

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  1. I'm in the process of fighting my depression. I would have to say the hardest thing about it is getting out of my comfort zone. I'm so used to giving up on trying to do fun activities. Every time it seems difficult to do the activity or something doesn't go my way I just shut myself down and want to be alone. I don't even want to do anything or hang out with friends. No one understands me and that frustrates me. I don't trust anyone and don't ever want to. Every time I do they **** me over. That may be my fault for picking the wrong people to be in my life, but I don't ever wanna trust again. I don't want to go out my way to have fun and I just hate people. I'm also in the process of learning to forgive people. This is so hard. Every time I take a step forward in doing so I find out something about that person that hurts me even more and I take a few steps back. I'm trying to move forward and work on me, but I'm so hurt and tired that it's hard for me. I just don't want to try in fear of disappointment. I also feel like no one deserves anything from me. I've given and people have taken advantage. Making me feel like my all was never enough and someone is always out there better. I just don't want to give anymore and I want to forget. I wish it was easier to forgive
  2. Do you think the first person to commit suicide did it accidentally? Or maybe they did it for the same reasons people do it today. To get away forever. I personally don't have the strength to do it. However, if it were my choice I would like to just fall into a deep sleep and never wake up. Simple. I have thought about putting myself out of misery, but I'm still waiting on that day that I look back and say, "Wow, I'm such a drama Queen. Can't believe I was gonna end my life for that! Ha." Still holding on to hope. If I were to do this I don't think I would want to go to an after life. Somewhere between feeling like I don't deserve it and feeling like its not worth it. I barely want to live this life. You think I wanna live the next? This post is a bit dark right now, but that's not my intention. Just wanted to vent. No matter how dark my mind gets I still have hope for some reason. It actually makes me mad most times. Why can't I just be weak and give up? (Not saying anyone who has committed suicide is weak) Sometimes I wonder if hope is as powerful as love. Love got me into serve depression. Hope is keeping me alive. Reminding myself that there is a whole world outside of my tiny box that I call "Life" helps me hope even harder. Life has its ups and downs and when you're down the only way you can go is up. Everything will be okay. I'll keep telling myself that and maybe one day I'll actually believe it. Maybe one day I'll actually see it
  3. I feel like I'm missing a huge part of me. It can't be filled. I just feel empty and it makes me sick. I want to ignore this, but it's so hard. I think it's because of my loneliness. I can't wait to move out of this town and meet new people. I can't deal with this. I'm tired of the same people playing me and ****ing me over. I don't deserve to be alone. This is bulls***. My sadness turns into anger and frustration so much. I just need someone to fulfill this loneliness. I literally can feel it in my chest. I'm tired of this empty feeling. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of anger. This is making me feel sick.
  4. Same here. I'm not sure if I'm getting better or I'm becoming numb. All I know is I'd rather be feeling this than the way I was feeling before. I'm just looking at this as a good thing
  5. Today was a good day. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. No one made me happy. Today was just a plain, old, boring Monday. I went to school then went to work. The usual. You may be wondering what made today good. Well today was good because I refused to let myself feel down. I CONTROLLED my depression. I don't know what made me do it. Not entirely sure how I did it either. So many things that would usually break me down was ignored. I'm so proud of myself. I usually can't control what I'm thinking and get stuck in a rut, but today I said **** it! Maybe it's because I set short goals for myself? Maybe it's because instead of shutting myself out I participated in conversations and put a damn smile on my face? I did not wake up with the thought that today would be good. I woke up from a night terror and wasn't up for the day this morning to be honest. However, somewhere throughout the morning, I said I don't care! I'll sing if I want. I'll dance if I want. It's my life and I'm going to enjoy this Monday! All the negative today was brushed over my shoulder. I feel I have hope to beat my depression. I hope anyone reading this does too!
  6. Sounds like depression to me, but I'm not an expert. I know the frustrating feeling. It's like you're contradicting yourself and you're not in control of what you think or feel. Don't think you're alone. That's not the case. I know what it feels like to not want to do anything or move out of bed. I know what it feels like the wake up angry because you wish you never woke up. If you can relate to that then know that you're not weird. I understand the feeling. It has to be a reason for this though. Anything happen in your past? You have to find in yourself where this feeling is coming from. Then you could begin to help yourself get better
  7. I'm so irritable and frustrated. I can feel my heart pounding in my chest. My thoughts whispering to me. "No one is thinking of you right now. No one cares." I believe this. It's obvious because no one texts or calls. Sounds like something stupid to be sad about, but I feel horrible. I've been lonely for so long. Loneliness hurts so much. No one understands that. I want to make friends, but it's hard. I'm far from anti social so this makes no sense. I'm so desperate for someone's attention. Everyone has their own lives and I'm not a priority. I just need someone to speak to me. Someone to ask me if I'm okay. I want to sleep until I can wake up happy. I can't think anymore. I can't live with this loneliness. I keep telling myself to wait until next year (I'll be in college) but this is ridiculous. This pain is unbearable. I tried to read, exercise, meditate, but my mind keeps drifting. Seems as if nothing is helping. I just want someone to talk to me. Someone to respond to my texts. Someone to care
  8. This is actually the first time and hopefully the last time I cut. I do have a lot of anger in me. I need to learn how to not expect anything from others, but I don't know how. My father would care about me one second then the next we wouldn't speak. The guy I fell in love with told me his love for me "fluctuates" Just like my father. I'm just so confused as to why I get treated this way. I don't understand why I'm so lonely
  9. Right now I'm bleeding. Years ago I thought cutting was stupid. I thought depression was fake and I thought suicide was selfish. Today I see that I was immature and ignorant. This is a disease. A sickness that you can't just shake off. I started feeling like this after seeing how lonely I was. Seems as if everyone has their own lives and no one has time for me. I began to believe that if I disappeared one day no one would even notice. This thought drove me to severe depression. At least 3 times a day I think of different ways to **** myself in detail. I don't want to do it. My mind is just ****ed up. I told my friends about it and they comforted me. Telling me they love me and care about me. I just began to get angry because I didn't understand why. I'm not good enough. They could do better. I was never good enough for any man. Not even my father. My longest relationship with a guy was a week because he found someone better. He known me and "loved" me for years, but I still wasn't enough. My life is a ****ing joke. I don't understand why I'm alive often. I'm a waste in the population. There is no point to my existence. My loved ones tell me to be patience and wait. "Things will get better," They say. How long do I have to ****ing wait? I can't stand being in my own body. I feel trapped. I sometimes have panic/anxiety attacks because I feel like I'm stuck in a box. The box I'm stuck in is my life. Whoever is reading this I wish you known me in person. I'm great and so sweet to everyone. Seems so happy. Why am I so sad inside? I know that I'm a beautiful girl with a great personality, but I don't even believe it. I cut just to see myself bleed. It was proof that I was alive because I feel so ****ing dead. My mind is against me. I am my own enemy
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