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TwentyTwo

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Everything posted by TwentyTwo

  1. I haven't felt good for several days now since getting on a new brand of 150 mg buproprion. I'm working on getting my stuff changed to a new pharmacy that's more consistent with pills. I started on 300 mg and it worked great. Could that be it? There's other stuff going on with me (period could be starting soon, Valentine's Day is coming up and I always feel like an unlovable, unwanted loser that day, not thrilled about new job) but I think that the meds could be a bigger part of it
  2. Hey everybody, can you do me a favor and read this? I haven't posted here in a while. I'm TwentyTwo and I'm recovering pretty good from my depression and suicidal ideation. To the point that I'm back in school and studying clinical mental health counseling (extremely ironic considering a year ago my mental health was barely stable enough to do anything). I have a bit of a problem and was hoping some people here could help me out. I'm working on a paper about suicidal minorities and reasons to live/will to live. Mostly because I'm a minority (African-American) and even though minority suicide rates are lower than the average, I thought it would be an interesting topic. Does anyone out there who is a minority, has attempted or seriously thought about attempting, want to share their thoughts on reasons to live? Did your race or culture have any impact on your decision to live? What has your struggle been like with depression and suicidal ideation? Is there hope? Are there good reasons to choose life over death? I don't need names or anything, just stories. Thanks guys
  3. I don't think the single life has a lot of perks. But I appreciate the comments. Everyone has interesting thoughts here.
  4. How do I stop believing that I'll be alone for the rest of my life?
  5. In June 30 I'll have been on bupropion for a year. There have been so many changes in my life since then. I'm not in crisis anymore, most days I feel stable, and I do feel better. So much better that I haven't posted here in months! I want to decrease my dose to 150mg since I don't feel suicidal everyday like I used to. But I'm hesitant to bring it up to a doctor because what if the 300mg I've been taking is the reason why I feel good? Going to 150mg could take some of the positive benefits away and I really don't want that. If anyone out there has ever lowered their dose for a while after taking 300mg or higher I would love to hear your story
  6. Thank you! I know of 1 I want to try out already and if that doesn't appear to be a good one I'll look up Emotions Anonymous
  7. Anyone have good experiences with a depression or mental illness support group?
  8. God knows what I think of him lol. I try not to vocalize that a lot cause people just don't get it
  9. Thank you. This was the right thing to say. More people should say this!
  10. I feel much better. I'm still a little bitter over my situation but at least I'm still alive. I don't appreciate what God allowed to happen to me this year, but the year is almost over. 1 thing I'm thankful for
  11. Thanks. It's the end of the year and everyone's all reflective. I don't think they mean any harm but normal people can't even begin to wrap their heads around severe mental illness. Christians especially like to make it seem like 'praising him in the valley' or whatever is what you have to do and I literally cannot
  12. I'm visiting different churches. At a new church yesterday the message was about being thankful for 2015. There was a part where he mentioned we should be thankful for the chaos of this year but acknowledged that a lot of people wouldn't be and that was fine with God. Well, I'm 1 of those people. I almost killed myself multiple times this year because I was so depressed and miserable. I'm on meds for the 1st time with no idea if I'll ever go off of them. Currently unemployed and back at my parents house. Trying to get into grad school but I have NO idea what I'll do if I don't get in. I'm not thankful for this year long mess. I lost so much this year. I have fewer friends, fewer job prospects, no money coming in, single af, book dreams stagnant, and meanwhile Christians say I should be grateful cause at least I'm still here. Cause God brought me out of _____. I've had nothing but struggles with my mental health all year long. I think there were only 5 weeks this year when I didn't cry. I was crying on NYE and on my birthday. I'm not thankful. And I'm starting to resent this idea that I should be at some point.
  13. I'm leaving journalism in part because of the instability. The program I wanted to get into was in the journalism school, so it's fitting that they lost funding for it. More proof that maybe I'm right to change careers. Counseling/psychology really interests me because of my journey with depression, but I'm uncertain about it cause I don't think I have the right personality. I'm actually supposed to be studying for the GRE right now. Didn't do anything yesterday. I'm about a week out and I'm completely distracted by how lonely I am. And jealous of other people that aren't. Keeping busy has always been hard for me cause I eventually get bored or lonely.
  14. So my job offered buyouts and I let them know I wanted to take it but I won't know if I'm actually going to get it until Nov. 12!!! My last day of work would be Nov. 25. I hate this job. I've hated it all year cause it sucks the life out of me and I've felt this for so long I don't know if I'm capable of feeling different. I don't know how I'm going to make it for another month. I want to leave right now, even though I don't have another job lined up and will be another unemployed loser. I can't get excited about anything going on in my life. Career is up in the air, grad school program I would've been perfect for got the funding pulled out of it recently, everyone says I should career change by majoring in something else. But why even go to grad school if I don't know what to go for?? Lately I've been spending a very unhealthy amount of time alone and I've gotten into the habit of not talking. It's easy to be mute when you live alone, eat alone, sleep alone, work with people that only talk to you when they want something. I wonder sometimes when I do talk if my vocal chords still work since I so rarely use them. I didn't mention most of this in therapy this week cause I feel like I'm losing my mind. Like there's something in me that's eating me up on the inside. I've been having weird dreams and when I look them up it always symbolizes something hopeful which makes me feel like cause I have no hope. I want a different life and there's nothing I can do but wait. And hope nothing else bad happens while I'm waiting. It's like I standing still while the whole world is moving forward and into better things
  15. Weekends are always worse for me, even after being on medication for several months now. Keeping busy sounds like BS to me though so I'm not the best person to give advice
  16. I live my life in what I call spirals. If I'm active and interacting with people - grocery shopping, going to the gym, doing something with friends, say, I feel pretty good. But at some point someone seemingly tosses me an anchor and I'm once again in loserville. Can't/won't shower for three or four days, won't get out of the house except to maybe drive through a fast food place for an easy warm meal, take a look around the ghetto bungalow and feel worse and worse about myself. Then at some point, I clean up, get out, and the upward spiral begins again. And, though I'm pretty good at recognizing my distorted thinking most of the time, I still can't pull myself out of it. I need some extraordinary impetus to get me off my burro and moving. Fortunately it seems to be maybe 2/3 to 3/4 upward spirals, but the downward are pretty bad for me. Yeah, I think about it. Anyway, take care. If your bad times are on weekends, then I'd suggest you change something up. Dunno you, dunno what... go hiking, visit a museum, see a friend, visit the parents - whatever'll occupy your mind, that you'll enjoy, that'll keep the depressed thoughts suppressed. Adios! My apartment is an absolute mess. I haven't hit the upward swing yet. I'm somewhere in the middle. I'm okay, but not quite energetic enough to clean this place. That's a good idea to keep busy. Except it's hard to find things to do on the weekend with other people. Everyone has their own plans and I've had a few weekends where I plan things and then they fall apart on like, Friday night, and it's worst than if I wouldn't have planned anything at all. I don't know how to DO normal living yet
  17. Yeah, this is what I mean! Compared to how I was around this time last year, I was thinking about ending it all the time. How I've been living since my meds have stabilized is like night and day. And still last night I got super depressed. I know why. There are a lot of big changes coming for me in the next couple of months. But I feel like I shouldn't have episodes that severe anymore. Like... isn't that the whole point of meds? It's supposed to get less severe over time
  18. I'm the same way except it would last for weeks at a time and then I'd break and have like one good week and then fall back into a black hole all over again. I was thinking about suicide last night and it was comforting. But only because it's familiar. Feeling 'better' is still foreign to me.
  19. Do you still have moments when you get severely depressed? Or does it come in waves? I've been on medication now for about 15 weeks or something close to that. I generally feel better, but I swear it's like my depression has just moved around so it only hits me on the weekends. I still get sad through the week, but nothing like how it is on the weekends.
  20. I'm not opposed to having a chat with people on here though. As long as it's not some massive thing with 50 people and new folks feel like their being ignored and talkative people feel like it's awkward to lead all the conversations. If anyone wants to start one, I'll be happy to participate. Army Guy - I don't want to wallow either (even though that's kind of what I was doing in the original post). I'm still getting used to being on medication. My startup on meds was such a roller coaster. I'm supposed to be evening out now and it really makes me panic that I'm expected to switch from being depressed to being normal and social. I have doubts. I'm trying to take things slow. Glad I didn't have any therapy this week. I needed the break. I ended up not being as lonely without my counselor today as I thought I'd be. But some of those bad habits are still there. I had an offer to go out today and I made an excuse to not go. It's hard. I feel better but sometimes I still act the same.
  21. Chats and stuff are good but you have to have a conversation going that's interesting. And not awkward. I think I would prefer being alone to awkward, uncomfortable forced interaction.
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