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lonesomecowboy

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About lonesomecowboy

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  1. Everything you are saying resonated and have  also come to some of the same conclusions you have. Although some j disagree with. 

     

    What I do agree is that not much help exists out there. Worst of all are those telling you to focus and be positive. Eugh. Much Mis-diagnosis occurs. And this needs to change. Am going to try and do something about it. 

  2. some people say get a notebook and write nice things that happen to you everyday. the notebook is here, but it's empty. only bad things happen. today especially. i feel broken.
  3. Thank you for the suggestion Elicia, but it doesn't work. I did try. I have no problem with religion and I have no problem with atheists, I don't know how to explain this really, I know it sounds contradictional. I'm opened to all kinds of interpretations and viewpoints. I'm easy going and I try to understand all the viewpoints, be they religious or atheistic. I can sit for a drink with everyone (be they theologists or atheist intellectuals) and talk. Especialy if it's a "philosophical" type of a conversation. Like "which one was the first, the chicken or the egg?" and stuff like that. I'm not a conservative, puritan or something, but on the other hand, I do not reject the possibility that there's a god or something like that. There must be something. I mean c'mon how all this started, the big boom, the dinousauruses, the evolution, those Darwin's monkeys and all that. There must be some "system" that someone created. Water falls from the sky as a rain, then the sun shines and it turns it into steam which again becomes rain in the sky and so on. Everything is perfectly designed. This system could not start of it's own, I think. There must be some logic in this universe. We, the humans, are too small to understand all the secrets of the universe. Maybe god really exist and he's is testing me, but then, why exactly me? :) I have no problem with god, but I'm not really a saint. I'm just a human with all my good and bad sides. Why he decided to test me? I have never applied for a job as a monk. You see, the funny things is that religion mentions these problems that I have. The biblical Job is a great example of a cursed man. He was a good guy, he respected god, he had a big family, businesses and stuff, but god decided to test him and took everything away from him. Job lost everything, his family, his health and his fortune, but he didn't give up his faith. As far as I understood Job's case, though he was a tough and he did not give up, he did question god. He was asking like" why me, why are you doing this to me", but in the end the conclusion was that everything is god's will and you can't do s*** about it :) And god, as we know, has some strange sense of humour. Shortly speaking, religion did not help me. It even made things worse. Religion is not a magic stick that will make all your wishes come true. Like "I want a car, okay here's your car". Jesus is not Santa Claus. Actually, religion means being tested, tempted and all that sufferance, patience, fasting, abstinence, avoiding the world's values and pleasures and waiting for the death and the reward that will come after it (heaven and such things). I respect those people who are into that, I have no problem with religion, but why me? I just want a normal life :) But someone does not allow me that...
  4. Vivian2014, thanks a lot :) Yeah I do write from time to time and I think I'm good at it, but as i already explained, it's pointless, it doesn't lead anywhere. Please read the following chapter for Ratboy and you'll understand what I mean. RatBoy, thanks for your reply. There's no "next level" unfortunatelly. I'm stucked. This demon or whatever it is does not allow me to go up to my maximum. I feel like an eagle in a cage, I'm not allowed to spread my wings. I often dream that I'm flying, it's so beautiful, I can't even describe, but in the end comes the rude awakening. I'm succesful only to a certain extent, my abilities are not fully realized (I don't know how to say this in english properly). Success in my life happens extremely rarely, it requires TOO MUCH effort to be achieved and the happiness is very shortlived. It's a hollow victory or Pyrrhic victory, as I mentioned before. Let's say that you are an emperor who leads an army. You won the battle, but all your soldiers are dead and your kingdom is devastated by the war. Can you really call that a victory? The invested nerves, emotions, time and money are much larger than the fruits earned from my labour. My english is not perfect, but you get the picture. It's totally pointless, it doesn't lead anywhere and I earn nothing from such "victories". I just receive an occasional pat on my shoulder from some people like "yeah, you did a good job, now excuse me, I have much better things to do than be with you" and they leave and forget me. As I said, some offer cooperation (I never force them to do so) and they never call again. Yeah there were some pretty women in my life, but it took too much work to get them and these relationships were ussualy pain in the a$$: lots of problems, arguments etc. and they always end badly (for me, of course). It was always a pure hell, believe me, you won't like it. Good moments are shortlived and I can never really enjoy them, knowing that very soon everything will be back to "normal" (meaning: my standard bad luck). I'm not denying that I had some really crazy moments of luck. For example, on several occassions some strange "force" or something saved my a$$ from some real troubles. I'm grateful for that. But my life is not changed to better, it continues as it is. This force or god or whatever it is, says something like "yeah you will survive in this trouble, you will continue to live, but I won't allow that life to be happy". That entity or whatever it is needs me alive to torment me or something, I don't know. Sometimes I ask that entity like what the f*** do you want from me? Why me? There're are like 6 bilion people on this planet. Leave me alone, I'm not a saint like the biblical Job to be tempted like that. Nothing changes, of course. Marie241, thank you too for your reply. You said it very well "no one else has thee knowledge of what's going on in your head and how painful it is". You ask yourself, do people who look lucky actually pretend, while having some hidden issues, because depression is not always so obvious? Hmm tough question. I don't know, but still they look happy and healthy to me. You can fake a smile, but I'm not sure if you can fake a healthy appearance. I look more and more tired with pale face and black circles around my eyes, I'm not smiling anymore, I have sleeping problems, I lose apetite which all affects my appearance. Also people notice that I'm absent from certain places that I attended frequently (e.g. bars, clubs) and when they meet me on the street they notice that something is wrong, that I'm in a bad shape, bad mood etc. So maybe depression is visible. Maybe it's different for different people, maybe some of them know how to hide it. But anyway, my impression is that most of the people around me are generaly happy. Sure they have some problems, everyone has them, but those problems are ussualy explainable (and in most cases solvable) and they happen only occassionaly. Well, death is not a solvable problem, but at least it's explainable. For example, the cause was some virus (which has a name and can be seen under a microscope) or the cause of death was a bullet fired from a ******er who has a name, surname and a face or it was caused by a drunk driver named XY and so on. Can you explain and solve my problem? No, that is simply not possible. You have no enemy, no case, nothing. I have impossible problems. It's true that they are not fatal, but they're unexplainable and unsolvable. Look people, this is pointless, we cannot do much. But at least I wish that the science recognizes this syndrome. OK, I'm not saying that the science must recognize the existence of supernatural entities, but science CAN and science MUST accept that there're milions of people who feel like I do and who suffer same or similar problems like me. Why were are not recognized as a group? Why we don't have our sites and forums? Why no one is interested in this phenomenon? C'mon you must admit it is interesting. Take for example that married couple, who was in NYC on 9/11, then in London when there were terrorist attacks in 2004, then in Madrid or I don't know how it was exactly. Please google for the story. Now, I don't know if it was made up by the media, but if it's true it's totally crazy. Why no one is interested to investigate this phenomenon more deeply? People just say to us: "oh you are just lazy and want pitty, there's nothing wrong with you", while they treat other groups with respect and compassion. It's not right. Let's make a political party :)
  5. LaurynJcat and Elicia, thank you very much to both of you for your warm words, I really appreciatte that. My greatest wish would be that the scientific community recognizes this problem. Will they call it a "bad luck syndrome" or something, I don't know, but it does exist. If scientists and doctors can't help me, at least, they should aknowledge it's existence, they should give it a name and explore it as far as they can. Like they can make some tests with volunteers or monitor their lives and document everything in text, photos or videos. There are many people who go through these problems as me. I beg all the scientists, psychiatrists and other people to become interested in this phenomenon. It cannot be ignored anymore. I'm not making this up just to get sympathy or pitty. Thank you for your kind wishes, but I'm sure that nothing will change to better in my life. This is going for years and years, it's not just a bad period, believe me. I tried to find out when this bad luck exactly started, like: was there any special reason, am I paying for some sins or something. I must admit that I had some sins and mistakes in my life, well, who doesn't? But it wasn't something extreme like I wasn't a serial killer or a drug dealer or something. And as far as I can see, bad people ussually get away with m*****, they enjoy great lives and get all the power and money. Rarely they get punished in this world, ussually it's the good people that suffer. Let's be realistic. I was digging through my past looking for answers. Finally, my parents admitted to me that I could almost die at birth. So, my problems started in the very beginning of my life, in the first second of my existence. They never told me about this before, I guess they didn't want to upset me or something. They're good people, I love them and respect them, but we often argue about my problem. I'm desperately trying to tell them that all this really happens and it's not just in my head, while they try to explain it rationally like: maybe I'm too sensitive, maybe I'm exagerating, maybe I should see a psychiatrists etc. This hurts me a lot. I cannot even explain to you how much it hurts. And yeah, there's always WHATABOUTISM. You complain to your parents that your life is terrible and they say "Oh really? Look who's talking! What about the starving children in Africa? What about that disabled boy in a wheelchair in our neighbourhood? What about this, what about that" and so on. After hearing these examples, you feel ashamed and ungrateful for what you have and you just stop arguing. But this does not solve the problem! All my life they were giving me examples of misfortunate people, disabled people, starving people, mute and deaf people etc. I don't want to offend anyone, please don't get me wrong, but the world is not only filled with such misfortunate people. Around me I see some completely happy and healthy people, who live good lives and they don't give a damn that someone is suffering in this world, while I'm like obliged to take all the burden of this world as if I'm guilty for all that. It's not right. I do feel compassion for other people, but hey, my life must go on! I'm aware that I have it much better than milions of other people in this cruel world, but at least their problems are easily explainable and the enemy that torments them has a face, a name and a surname. Please let me explain this: a child is starving in a 3rd world country. It's heartbreaking, yes, but at least it can be explained. Maybe the government there is corrupted or the economy is poor or maybe there is a war going on over there or the climate is harsh. Or let's say, someone lives under a dictatorship, he ends in a nazi concentration camp or in a stalinist gulag, where he is tortured and he goes through a real hell. It's terrible, yes, but at least, his tormentor has a name: Hitler, Stalin etc. Or let's say that some soldier lost his leg in a war. The war started when the country X invaded the country Y due to some political disputes, so it has some logical explanation. This misfortunate soldier has a visible enemy, i.e. the enemy shooting at him from the opposite trench. You get my point. In my case, my enemy is invisible. Is my enemy god, devil, demons, karma, curses, evil eyes, what is it? Whom I should be angry at? Who is my enemy and how should I fight against him, her or it, or I don't know? There's nothing worse than having an invisible enemy. I know people who are very arrogant, they think that they are in control of everything, they have a high self-esteem. I'm telling them that if they face an enemy like I have, they would break under that pressure like a used toothpick and they'll end in an ashtray. Yeah, it's very easy to pretend that you are "strong", until your strenght is challenged. I repeat, I never wish anyone harm, but some people ask for it. They deserve a little bit of suffering, so they can understand how it really is. Maybe that would make them better persons. I noticed that both of you mentioned the phenomenon of self-fullfiling prophecy. With all due respect, I don't beleive in that. I will tell you a funny thing: some people first say something like: "Oh c'mon how can you believe in supernatural entities and dark forces?! It's childish and ridiculous!". But then they advice me: "You can control your life by using your thoughts, think positively, predict positive outcomes and everything will be okay". What's this? A religion or something? :)) They want me to believe that I can control this world by using my mind? Am I god or something? Can I move mountains with my thoughts and control people's actions as well? This is ridiculous and it's a totally oppossed to the materialistic point of view expressed in their first sentence. It's like: "Don't belive in magic, but you can do magic yourself". It's a total contradiction. Yeah, I tried that "positive thinking" thing. Like "yeah, I can do it, everything will be fine" etc. I was always trying to be positive with people, to smile at them, to make them happy, to make good conversation and jokes, I really tried to socialize, to work hard etc. But it never worked out. All my business achievments collapse in front of my eyes, my creativity is underestimated, people shun me and then I get depressed. After a period of isolation and depression, I become active again, thinking "now things will work for sure", and then again a disaster happens and depression comes again and so on. It's a vicious circle. Better to be a pessimist (here I mean realist) and be prepared for the worst than to be pretend that everything is alright. If i don't make backups of my work in my computer, positive thinking will not save them, you get my point. For me, positive thinking is a bunch of nonsense. I mean, if it works for you, then fine, I'm really glad. But it never worked for me personally, so I gave up using that approach very long time ago. I don't wanna die. But I ain't keen on living either like Robbie Williams says in his song. I don't really care about my life. I'm not afraid of death, it would be a good riddance. However, I'm not thinking about suicide because I care about my parents and relatives and their feelings. Also, I don't want to give my enemies this pleasure. They would be happy to hear that I gave up. Also, most people will not care if I die anyway. They will not think of me and how I felt. They don't care. And of course, there are philosophical questions such as: What will happen to me after I **** myself? Maybe hell really exists? Or maybe I will reincarnate into some stupid animal? I just want my life to end naturally as soon as possible. I wish I had some fast forward button >> like on a videotape / dvd player and skip all this nonsense all the way till the end.
  6. Bad luck is following me like a black cloud over my head for all my life. It's true that I'm not a starving child somewhere in a third world country or a prisoner in a concentration camp, I'm not in a wheelchair and I'm not dying of aids, I'm aware that milions of people have it much worse than me. I had a good family and upbringing and all the needed things for a normal life, I was never starving or something. I guess you will say that I should be grateful, but what is happening to me is unbearable! And no whataboutism will solve this problem ("you say you are unlucky? what about the starving children in..." etc. you get my point) No matter what I do, it always ends badly, no matter how much I invest myself into something. It happens in every field of my life: work, personal, health, friendships, relationships etc. You try to build something, be it some business project, art creation, a friendship or a relationship, it does not matter, it will always end badly. Some invisible hand will destroy all your achievements in a split second and it will collapse as if it is a house of cards. I wasn't raised in a religious family and I have never been a superstitious person, but there were so many crazy things happening in my life, strange coincidences, negative synchronicities or how should I call them, that I started to beleive that there are some supernatural forces controling my life. Some may call that god, devil, demons, curses, evil eyes, bad karma, I don't know, but there is something. Psychiatrists would probably call that external locust of control. I have absolutely no control over my life and I learned to predict the negative outcome. There's nothing you can do to stop it. I never lived my life "my way" as Frank Sinatra says in his song. I never had a real choice, it was always like "this is what you can have, take it or leave it". That's why I often have to be in a company of people, whom I don't really like (they are the only ones who would accept me), or sometimes I choose a partner whom I don't like, or a job that is not really for me. I posses certain qualities and talents, which to some extent have been recognized in the area in which I live. I don't want to show off, but let's say that I'm a arty / creative person and that I'm a sort of intellectual. However, note that I'm not a native english speaker, excuse me in advance for the mistakes that I will make during my writing. I had some successes in my life, but they were shortlived and they were always sort of "Pyrrhic victories". I would receive a pat on my shoulder like "you did good work" and then people would just leave and forget about me. It never led anywhere and I got nothing useful from it. My talents and personal qualities remained underestimated. First I was looking for the problem within myself, but not everything can be explained rationally. Beleive me, I do everything properly, I do everything the best I can and I have realistic ambitions, but still, everything it's futile. I feel like the biblical Job or Sisyphus. I tried to understand this demonic system or how to call it and to avoid it's traps, it's impossible. You can even move to a new place, even to a new country, it will not help. Businesses that I worked for collapsed, got bankrupt or got sold. It was never my fault. I lost all my friends, almost all of them scattered around the world in search for better opportunities. All of them had bad luck, which is probably the reason why we unknowingly attracted each other and became friends. We were not like complete losers, there were some great guys among us, who looked decently, had brains and certain talents etc. but nothing ever worked for us. Sure, everyone has some faults, we all make mistakes sometimes and I'm not an exclusion. But this is simply not normal. Beleive me, I'm doing everyhting the best I can. I see people who are succesful with much less effort. They are bad, but they live great and get everything undeserved. I have several health issues, I mean not a cancer or hiv or something extreme, but still they are annoying and there's no cure for them. For example occasional migraines, skin issues (especially when the weather changes abruptly). It's nothing extreme, but still, it's annoying and it ruins my life and my self-esteem. I also have a general feeling of tiredness and insomnia as well. I went to many doctors and no one ever helped me. I began to really hate them. Also many people who were dear to me suffered from ill health, even pets that I had suffered. If I buy let's say an electronic device, I know in advance that it will probably be faulty. It's always something wrong. I'm not Brad Pitt of course, but I wouldn't say that I'm totally ugly and unattractive. I have some sense of self-respect, I'm not that bad. I had some quite attractive girls in my life, but it took a lot of effort to start those relationships and they were very easy to lose. All these relationships ended badly without exceptions, no matter how I tried. I'm trying to make new friends, I'm a communicative person and I liked clubbing, concerts, dancing etc., but it didn't go well. People keep a distance from me. They promise to call and never do. When we sit together for a drink, they always criticise me, they rarely say a good thing about me and they are not interested how I really feel. Note here that I'm not bothering anyone with my problems. I'm always trying to keep it inside, but I cannot do it anymore. Once I found a friend, who seemed to understand me, but when I had some really bad time and I needed his moral support, he just left me because "he was busy". People don't care about me, they always betray me. I had many lonely holidays: birthdays, New Year's Eves. I started to really hate holidays. People are often ungrateful to me. Instead of attracting good people, I offten attract all kinds of weirdos, losers, junkies, small time criminals, people with issues, people who went through all kinds of problems in life, wars, prisons etc. and other colorful characters. It's not cool, belive me, it's tiring. Also many women that I'm trying to build a communication with, prove to be unstable. They don't know what they want, they say one thing and they'll do exactly the opposite. This also happens with people, with whom I'd like to have a friendship or a business / artistic cooperation. It happened to me that many people offered me cooperation (I never asked them, they initiated it) or they expressed romantic interest, but then they stop communicating with me for absolutely no reason. It happened to me that people, who are completely unrelated to eachother told me completely same things, used same phrases. It's scary. When I find someone nice, I know in advance that sooner or later, this relationship or friendship will end badly. I know that they will say something bad even before they open their mouths. You can only laugh like crazy, how is this possible? It's like someone is controling them against me or I don't know. Sometimes I ask myself, why they are so weak? Why they don't resist these "dark forces" ? Now I know that this will sound stupid, but really, it often happens to me that the clock shows 13 minutes, I get hotel rooms number 13 or flight / train / bus seats with that number. If I'm in a queue waiting to buy some product or a service, I know that everything will go wrong when my turn will come. It always happens, things get sold out exactly when it's my turn, or there's always something wrong at a check-in counter on airports, it always rains when I'm on picnic etc. I see signs on billboards, on tv or on the internet, which seem to be written exactly about the situation that I'm in at that moment. These are impossible coincidences. I began to write down / photograph / film these strange things, so I can have a proof, but who would belive me? People don't care anyway. I know that this is not a forum about religion or superstitions, karmas, demons and such stuff, but believe me, even the hardcore atheists, rationalists and materialists would belive me about this, if it happens to them. I never wanted to wish anyone harm, but sometimes you just lose your nerves and you wish that everyone tastes this, at least for a short time, so they can understand how it is. This is very real. A guy I know noticed that I'm becoming more and more socialy isolated, I stopped going to bars and clubs and I'm also not active on the social networks. He suggested me to see a psychiatrist. I don't want that, because I belive the psychiatrist will tell me that "everything is in my head" and that bad things never happened to me. It was just my illusion or my perception. That hurts me. Everything I told you really happened. It hurts me to pretend that it never did. It was my f**** life. This is a serious issue that affects milions of people around the world. I tried to find forums about this "bad luck syndrome" or how we should call it? There are not many, but I notice that many people complain about these problems. All kinds of people: white, black, yellow, rich, poor, middle class, educated, not educated etc. Is there a name for this thing? Will the scientific community ever recognize it? That's my dream. I know that you cannot help me, but the only thing that I would really like is someone to beleive me. P.S. Knowing that everything will go bad one way or another, I made a backup of my post in a text file on my computer. And I did good, because when I tried to preview this post I got the following error messsage: "www.depressionforums.org Driver Error There appears to be an error with the database. If you are seeing this page, it means there was a problem communicating with our database. Sometimes this error is temporary and will go away when you refresh the page. Sometimes the error will need to be fixed by an administrator before the site will become accessible again. You can try to refresh the page by clicking here" So you see, my bad luck taught me to be cautious. Otherwise, this text could be lost. When you are aware that you are cursed, you try to find a way to avoid these demonic traps and to fool that system. For example, you make plan B, backups, you prepare for the worst, you avoid too ambitious projects or investments that can easily turn into ashes etc. It's very tiring to live your life like that. You develop hypervigilance. Thank you for your kind attention.
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