Jump to content


Junior Member
  • Content Count

  • Joined

  • Last visited

About moistnutella

  • Rank

Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Location
  • Interests
    Media, pharmacology and I.T.
    Or in other words; videogames, drugs and computers.
    I don't do drugs, I just find them interesting. The prescription ones that is. I do them. My doctor gives me those ones.
    I'll stop typing now.

Recent Profile Visitors

588 profile views
  1. The healthiest way to leave society is to go live in the countryside... but typically that can be an expensive endeavour as a living choice. I routinely stay with family out in the middle of no-where, surrounded by farmland, nature... it's soothing to the soul (even if you didn't think it was your thing). Things matter a whole lot less when you wake up to rolling hills, go out and watch squirrels natter at eachother. It's difficult readjusting to life in my hometown, back with phone-signal and whatever other things bother me - I feel far more alone here at home; depression, morning terror is a daily thing here, out in the countryside, it takes a backseat. One thing I will say is that it can be rewarding to keep persevering; depressive instincts are often unhealthy ones; here I prefer to stay in, get less exercise, watch TV, avoid reaching out to friends - it's the easiest to do but it makes mental well-being a whole lot worse in the long-run. Try some talk therapy if you haven't already; I'm doing it at the moment and it sucks hard - but I'm slightly less overwhelmed week by week. Hope any of this helps somewhat... if it doesn't, oh well - but take care of yourself; humans can be humans but there's a lot of good in society when you seek it out :)
  2. Agitation coming off Mirtazapine was INTENSE.. but it may have been circumstances, so make sure you take things easy for a while. Not taken them both together but individually, venlafaxine was relatively great until it pooped out (side effects weren't fun though). Mirtazapine was awful for me - tiredness, hunger, weight gain, anger - I felt more depressed on it and started waking up in panic. The only perk was the 'knock-out' effect and that all the weight dropped off (and more) after quitting it. Zoloft is actually one of the more interesting SSRIs since it's a little different from most in terms of it's binding profile - so you might be surprised even though it's an SSRI. Let me know how you get on :)
  3. Best thing I found is don't fight the fatigue; reframe it as being relaxed if you can. It's likely because there's a truckload of new-found serotonin in your brain. Higher-doses are supposedly more stimulating but I only ever went as high as 150mg on it. I generally found it fatiguing but really good for anxiety. You might need a bit of extra sleep on it; I typically clocked 10 hours each night on it. One other thing: AM or PM? I switched to PM since I noticed drowsiness after each dose - the general consensus is AM but you might find PM easier. Be aware it can sometimes take a week or so for your sleeping habits to adjust though. Fatigue is one of the things that never went away for me; however yoga and generally anything stimulating such as some light exercise (weights, push ups) can help wake one up. Don't be afraid to let your eyes rest here and there and if you're at home, sometimes it helps to nap it out early afternoon and have two mini-days. Other than that, you might find things generally improve - hitting 225mg over 3 weeks is pretty hardcore in my book. I spent a week on 37.5mg, a week on 75mg; a few months there, then bumped to 150mg. Things also get more 'nor-epinephrine-ific' above that dose so it might be worth giving it some time, perhaps going higher or just adding an adjunct medication. Any wakefulness-promoting agent is OK but it's worth careful consideration; extra side effects and the small potential for interaction.
  4. I went to my counselling sesh! Second one done with and I'm trying out the whole "I'll worry at X time if it's something I can't practically resolve today". It's difficult! My brain is all "oh, hell no - let's resolve this NOW! THIS IS FRUSTRATING. Don't ignore me!" and I'm like "but... worry time at 5:30?". Hoping this might help with the whole agitation aspect that's been plaguing me as of late. So far I've enjoyed Tegan and Sara's new tracks, been out and about, up early after a bad night's sleep. Things are OKAYish, it's 1PM and I've got the rest of the day to hopefully "carpe diem". Fingers crossed.
  5. Ack. First counselling session done with this morning. Slight improvement I think - seem to help getting some of it off my chest. Starting to feel on edge only 10 minutes after its finished. Mainly because I've checked messages on my phone -_-. Counsellor seemed unsure if it was better to tackle depression or anxiety so I've gone for the latter so hopefully I can achieve a quieter mind. Then I'm gonna work on the avoidant behaviour alongside which is gonna be tough. Felt a bit more like things will be OK but I'm hoping I'll feel less overwhelm with each session. Lot of tears shed - tired and ready to go back, eat a small meal and rest my eyes before tackling some more driving theory.
  6. Amen brother, I think I'm in the same boat as you. As for Prozac, it made me go off the rails once I hit the higher dose. Citalopram did nada, mirtazapine was like prozac but WORSE. Venlafaxine hit the spot with the aforementioned issues but ultimately pooped out. So Duloxetine seems like the next best step but it could be difficult in the UK - doctors are reluctant with prescribing for mental health, reluctant with anything that isn't first-line and it's impossible to see a psychiatrist on NHS. I am, too, sick of this disease. All this time one of the most troubling aspects for me has been the eroding motivation, courage, confidence, energy and its consequential effect of a hindered focus on things I need to do for a better life. Then of course, I look back and blame myself. Ultimately I'm starting to feel disabled. A lot of it would (or may) be resolved if I could quell the emotional discomfort to agony that wreaks havoc on energy and "let's get to it". Ps. The 'phone anxiety' seems to be carrying through to "you have a new voicemail" or pretty much any message from work-related engagements. Kinda haunted by my unemployment now o.o.
  7. The only thing stopping me is the 'daydream' effect that the drugs have. From my experience I find I sort of 'half live' on them - like I'm 'sleepily drifting' through life on autopilot. I find the whole weeks speed by on them - but sometimes that's arguably better than being petrified and having the day grind to a halt in emotional agony. Frustratingly, most of my happiest memories (albeit marginally foggy) were on venlafaxine. Until it gone done pooped. The annoying part, which shouldn't really be an issue as I need to do what'll keep me going - is facing that I wanted to see if I could do without them. My parents don't think I should touch psychiatric drugs again (1 did nowt, 2 made me *worse* and 1 worked). My partner also wants to see how I'll do without them. So I feel like I owe a bit of time sober with just counselling to see if I can get by - but mentally it's seeming impossible to do things I'm supposed to so I'm not sure how long I should struggle for). Given mental health issues run on both side of the family it could well be a case that I need to stay on drugs for life but I guess I can't know. The apparent treatment resistive nature of things seems to be doubly bothersome. Gah! Sorry to moan.
  8. Ack. Coming off VEN wasn't as difficult as I thought it'd be but it still sucked hard. I didn't lose my mind but just cried - a lot. Couldn't really do much either and felt very lonely. Having people about makes the world of difference. Unfortunately circumstances in my life aren't any better than when I went on VEN so go figure. I have more bad days - and life is twice as hard without it despite it half-pooping out when I was on it. Still occasionally get those brain zappers every now and then a few months down the line. So I figure my neurotransmission is still a little botched up. I'd never go back to it. It was amazing -but frankly, if it pooped out then there's little point in going back IMO. Plus there's the whole transient disassociative fog it causes, bowel issues, headaches and sleepiness. Small price to pay for the relief but evidently like every other AD the therapeutic action is crude. I'd probably rather give duloxetine a try if it comes to going back to ADs. I hear it's in the same ballpark but SNRIs seem to be more efficacious for anxious depression going by venlafaxine.
  9. Thank you for the encouragement! I have started on one thing; driving theory. Though pulling my hair out over where the theory book is; once I have a good idea with the theory side of things I'm gonna plan the next step (asking my brother to teach me using one of his cars then going for driving lessons). Today is proving TOUGH though. I've been in touch with a few people lately and I've been told to take it easy. I desperately want to - for some reason my brain ain't switching gears from misery, angst or exhaustion - the only thing I've found is that stress exacerbates things - bizarrely even thinking about the idea of someone calling worries me. I guess that's the nature of the condition though. I desperately want to "just do" things without fear.
  10. Nah, well, I sort of help out and I find it soothing - it slows down time. Especially in the countryside when you look up and see fields, sheep (you hear them burp and stuff, it's funny) and rolling hills. Here is suburbia so it's a little different but it does inspire me to want a sheltered bench where I can relax rather than a plastic chair on a grass lawn. I lost my passion for photography as well. I have sooooo many tens of thousands of pictures and there's this huge gap in the last couple of years where I stopped living life to it's fullest. I'm gonna bite the bullet soon and figure out how to work that back into my life.
  11. Thanks Natasha! Your post teared me up - seems I'm just that vulnerable at the moment. Thank you ;_;. A big hug to you as well. It does help a little, though he's in work today. When I'm around him I'm fine so it's all a bit frustrating that my mental issues take a backseat until I'm basically back home. I think partly being out in the countryside with him, with no commitments or phone signal also helped... and that's a large part of why I've been out back this morning. Trying to desperately seek comfort in the garden. Weird but the whole thing seems peculiar to me, if not lazy and avoidant. I'm a 20-something man - put me in the countryside, I'm fine - put me back in the town with a phone and a job-search engine, people calling, people to call, e-mails to send, appointments to go to and I crumble. Fast. At current - before I'm even started. I used to work in a call-centre, so it's really strange. My work mentor thinks I need more going on in my life... and at a basic unemployed moment, I'm frightened. Thank you for the encouragement with counselling - I have done it before for intrusive thoughts and it was pretty great for that. Samaritans seem to tell me to call anytime too, so I guess that's what I'll do. Now I just need to get through the rest of the day but I think the worst is over :|.
  12. I rang Samaritans this morning; here in the UK they're an emotional support phoneline and I've always been reluctant to call since I thought there were people that needed it more - but I didn't know what to do. I've been awake since the early hours and crying a lot, sitting outside to get away from the claustral feeling in the house. I feel so ill; not physically in the slightest - just mentally sick, trapped, overwhelmed, terrified and scared. I think this is basically anxious-depression at it's worst and I can't seem to manage to do much else than ride it out. I'm big on drawing myself out of my own head, be it playing a videogame or just being mindful for a little while. I also want to beat this, thinking clearly and trying to tackle things just makes sense - but my brain is fighting me. Even when I picked up a videogame at 8AM this morning and was mostly engrossed, I could physically feel the anxiety coming over me and setting in for the morning. It's really unpleasant being uncomfortable in your own comfort zone. Now I'm scared of going to sleep at night because I know the 'reset switch' will be flicked by morning and I'll be thrown awake by my own body around the same time as the bird song. I know I posted about this recently... it seems to be getting worse. Reality is now becoming more of a nightmare than a nightmare. I start counselling tomorrow. Though I'm not entirely sure if this is something counselling can fix, it seems really biological and as if I've developed somesort of psychological terror alongside. I'm faced with the grim reality that antidepressants might be the next step, again. As well as counselling. I don't know what to do right now, other than accept that I'm ill and it's the last thing I want - I KNOW I need more things in my life. Frustratingly, I don't feel safe and at ease unless I'm with my fiancé. I spent a few weeks with him as of late... I was doing mostly OK then. Now he's 40 miles away living elsewhere because of work. He's supportive, loving and I'm stable around him - but it'll be a while before we can move in together. I want to be a better person for him and hold down a job, get better before then... but trying to do that just seems to be making things worse... If you have any words, please talk to me. I'm at the end of my tether.
  13. Have you tried the merry-go-round of awful-to-okay antidepressants on the market? Sounds like there might be some diurnal variation in it as well since you mentioned waking up feeling anxious/scared - something I myself am having a lot of trouble with and abates to a more 'transient anxiety' by the evening. But the mornings - it's like liquid fear coursing through my body when I wake up. Distraction will help but this aching low is something you need to resolve. Bottling it up could mean you'll hit rock bottom - or you might do it in a routine. You might need some things to shake life up; backpacking, redecorating where you live, a day trip; something new to change things up in your routine. You might have to figure out new aspects of daily life that'll interest you; i.e. learning a language, meditation. Of course, that's only something you can figure out. If you're having trouble sleeping, trazodone might help. No experience of it myself but I hear it's good for insomnia, not much antidepressive action until you go up from the low doses.
  14. Hands down: mindfulness. Pay attention to your surroundings, be completely immersed in all your senses and switch off your thoughts for a few minutes. Then come back to what you're doing, open a notepad or notepad.exe, let out everything on your mind, cook up a strategy of what you need to do. Then get a cup of tea/coffee/beverage of your choice. Stick on some music and go at it :P
  15. I found impulsive thoughts used to put me in a rut until I stopped giving weight to them. It's troubling since those impulsive thoughts will generally attack the things you hold dearest, so generally the thing you'll immediately want to do is hop on board and assess what just ran through your mind, question it, feel it, criticise oneself for having such thoughts, etc. etc.. For me it's the love of my life that those impulsive thoughts used to attack. My brain will still cook up the odd idea/emotion from time to time and plant it in my consciousness, though it's very rare compared to how I used to be tormented by them. There isn't much of a trick or skill to be learnt with impulsive thoughts; really all you need to do is just not listen to the 'impulsive thought troll' or ponder anything that it throws out.... it can be hard if you're feeling down and out but it makes anxiety a whole lot easier to handle. Try focusing on your breath each time one happens. It's important to break the chain before it starts since impulsive thoughts tend to transiently colour your emotions given they've had enough time to do their thing. For some help with those nastier thoughts about oneself which usually follow impulsive thoughts, I found this article useful: http://elitedaily.com/life/motivation/7-keys-purging-self-deprecation-steps-biggest-cheerleader/677854/
  • Create New...