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Everything posted by Maxx55

  1. hi everyone.....sorry for not being more "enthusatic" but this is how I am feelin lately. It's been a couple of months since I last posted but I feel a lot of stress and I feel like the winter blues are taking their toll. In October I bought a brand new truck and now I am in the process of trying to buy a house. My mom and dad have helped me with the purchase of my new truck and they are now trying to help me buy a house by giving me the downpayment.....except I feel bad that they are doing this....like I don't deserve it...I am their only child, but still. The house I was gonna buy was for $98k and my mom was gonna give me the money for 10% down, plus buy any appliances that the house would need. The house itself was big and I was planning on renting out a room or two, but the house needed a lot of work....about $30k more than I could afford so now I am house hunting again. Last night I just sat in my room at the place I am renting now and just stared at a black computer screen while iTunes played Adagio for Strings (from the PC video game Homeworld - very peaceful and relaxing music). And all I did was cry, quietly. It's been over 4 years since my marriage ended and I have yet to have another relationship that lasted more than a few dates.
  2. That's exactly how I felt Lori - I felt sort of like I was taking my pet to the vet and I knew I wouldn't be coming home with "Bessy" again, like I was going to be putting at pet down. Well I have my new truck and I did one last look of "goodbye" to "Bessy" as I drove out of the lot with her replacement. I have always named my vehicles with girl names, reminds me that I should treat them with respect. Mary Lou was my Ranger, Betsy was my Wrangler, Bessy was my F-150......now to come up with a name for the new one. I'll post a pic or two if anyone is interested.
  3. Thank you...I guess I am not the only one. Heck, I have had my truck longer than I was dating and married to my wife....in fact it was because of my wife that I got the truck to begin with. When we first started dating, I had a 1997 Jeep Wrangler, but because she had two children, it's kinda hard to drive kids around in a little Wrangler. So I started looking for a bigger vehicle. I didn't want a big SUV like a Tahoe, but a pick up....so it was one day looking online that I found my F-150....whom I nicknamed as "Bessy". I'm divorced now...in fact I cried a lot of tears in "Bessy" when my marriage was falling apart..., "Bessy" was a silent friend who just was there but didn't say anything. I'm gonna take some photos before I trade "her" in. Funny though.....I didn't go through this when I traded in my Ford Ranger, or when I traded in my Jeep Wrangler...why my F-150??? maybe because I had them for less time?? I don't know.
  4. Hi everyone, I have a bit of a weird thing going on and I wonder if i'm just weird or strange or what. First off, life is ok for me right now. I am employed, I have money, and tomorrow I am going to trade in my F-150 for a brand new Toyota Tundra. However, every time I think of bringing in my F-150, I get sad. I have had my truck for 7 years now, but I had to put a lot of money into the truck to keep it up and running. With all of the deals going on right now, I felt that it was time. But now as the time draws nearer, I feel sad. Like I turned my back on a good friend. My truck and I have been through a lot together and I have a lot of fond memories.....but I still feel like I have cheated or something...... Ok weird, I know....having feelings for an inanimate object...maybe that's the reason....as a guy, you can tell your most intimate thoughts to your car or truck and it doesn't judge you or anything because it is inanimate. Has anyone else felt this way?
  5. Thank you....I just want things to hurry up....I don't want to feel like a burden, which is how I feel. I also wish I had a girl in my life who cares about me. I keep thinking of my ex-wife and how I feel about her......i miss her a lot. I guess I have a lot of feelings still pent up.
  6. Hi all. I am having a time right now. I am a week away from my 34th birthday life and things tough. I am trying to buy a house right now and I put an offer on one and the primary lender said yes however there are two lenders. The second lender hasn't said yes as of yet. I am concerned that I won't get it because I am currently renting my friends basement bedroom and I am being treated as a outcast mainly by his girlfriend who started off nice but has turned into real Biotch. Because she thought that when she moves in, I would be moving out. Which my friend said wasn't the case, but he said that in August. He recently asked me what my plan was if the house deal fell through. I told him I'd find an apartment and move out. I feel so alone, like I don't have any friends. I slept all day today. I just didn't want to get up nor did I care. I already have been diagnosed with depression now I think i am having SAD disaorder. What do I do.
  7. Chrystal - I have tried talking to them and the only answer I get is the "it's not you, it's me". It's not like I am an abusive boyfriend or anything -I hardly swear, don't slap them or hit them or hurt them. My ex-wife did say something like she was doing me a favor in leaving because she can't have kids anymore (hysterectomy) and she knew I wanted kids. Maybe they think I am boring or don't do anything nice which is untrue. (the last one who I caught cheating, I bought $200.00 worth of clothes for her a week earlier). She was asking for jewelry, like a diamond ring, but I wanted to sit down with her and discuss marriage and how I was just going to jump blindly into anything. I don't know anything, except that my head hurts.......tension headaches.
  8. Well it has happened yet again.....I can never seem to find the right girl.....well to me the right girl isn't one who sleeps around behind my back while telling me that I am the only one for her. First was my first fiance back in 2001 - we became engaged and moved in together. A month later our engagement was over and I returned the engagement ring. She told me to leave the apartment or she would call the police. Not to cause any issues - I left. Then my ex-wife who traveled to Chicago to see "friends" and to "celebrate" the 2006 to 2007 New Years.....meanwhile her husband, me, is back in Minneapolis spending New Years Eve alone. She came back a couple of days later and said our marriage was over. Then she tells me she met a new boyfriend and they had sex in his apartment while she was still wearing my wedding ring. Now a few days ago, the woman I thought to be my girlfriend and who said she loved me I caught in a lie....I told her that I would be at her work after she got off and we would go have dinner together. She said ok.....so because we had an argument, I thought I would be nice and surprise her by giving her a rose. I pulled into the parking lot and saw her kissing another man.....and I don't mean like friendly kiss on the cheek, but a full open mouth to open mouth kissing. I stood there dumbfounded and looked at the rose and then looked back at her....I threw the rose on the parking lot pavement and drove away and never went back. She called me about 20 minutes after she got off work and asked where I was.. I told her to go to the spot where the rose was and asked her what she found. She said she found the remains of a rose. I told her the rose was for her, but since I caught her kissing some other man, I didn't think she wanted it. WHY IS THIS CONSTANTLY HAPPENING TO ME????? In all of the relationships, I have never, ever, cheated.....yet all of the women I have had relationships with - do..... What did I do to deserve to have my heart broken all of these times???
  9. 1. What are the things NOT to say to a person with depression? Snap out of it, knock it off with this attitude (if only I had $10.00 everytime I've heard that), cheer up, everyone has problems (no duh), you are never going to be happy. 2. Are there anything a people CAN say that would be helpful? "If you want to talk, I am here for you." How about a hug.....a simple hug. "I need a freakin hug here people". 3. What would you say to people that think taking the dog for a walk is what would be helpful to you? (you get the idea) I seem to have a lot of hobbies that I use as cruch so one of them usually takes up my free time.
  10. Hi all, I started seeing a councilor (sp?) again, with the hope of learning on how to move past. I boxed up my old wedding photos, my old wedding ring.....the worse thing is my ex is getting married again (third time down the isle for her) and I really don't know how to move past it. She's said that it was because of reasons "a, b, and c" that she left and the bad memories that came with them. I told her my best memory was right after we were pronounced husband and wife and just the two of us in the hallway, I took her in my arms and I kissed her......she looked so beautiful in her dress, like an angel. My councilor (sp?) asked if I have tried to start dating and I said that I have and it usually only lasted a date or two, I felt no connection. I even said I have tried at the online dating at one of the dating sites (i'll withhold the name) and the one person in like 50 emails I have sent, ended in disaster. Last year in early October of 2008, I sent an email to a lady after doing a basic search (age and location) and this girl responded back to me. We started talking and she tells me that she is in London England with her mother who is ill with cancer. We continued to communicate via email and Yahoo IM's and then shortly before Thanksgiving, she tells me that her mother was going in for surgery. She tells me the next day that her mother wasn't doing so good and her mother was being kept in a medically induced coma. A week later she tells me that her mother had died due to complications. She stated that she was living with her grandmother and was trying to find out how she was going to pay for a plane trip from England back home to Minnesota. She said that she left her job to be with her mother and didn't have much money. She said she didn't want to ask, but she felt she had no other choice but to ask me for the money for the plane ticket. I, of course, refused to send money to someone who I hadn't met face-to-face and didn't know, plus even if I wanted to send the money, I didn't have it available. From December to Mid-January we chatted, we kept each-other company (so to speak) and we played online pool. Mid-January comes around and she tells me that she found enough money to buy a plane ticket home and she said that she would be on the flight (she gave me the flight numbers) and the date and time of the flight. She asked if I would be willing to come down to the airport and pick her up, which I said I would do. Fast forward to the day of her travel. I receive a phone call from a very strange man who claimed to be a doctor in England (yet he sounded like he had an African accent). He tells me that the young lady I was waiting for was on her way to the airport when she was hit by a car and brought into the hospital in dire need of medical care. He asked (and this is what made me think something wasn't right) he said in order to render life saving aid, he needed me to send $3500.00 U.S. Dollars. I asked him email me (at my email I use for junk email) which he did. I asked for the hospital she was in and the room number and I made him aware that I would be flying out the first possible flight to be with her. He gives me the address of the hospital. I then went ahead and called the number and I asked if Beth (the lady's name I had been communicating with) was there and they asked how old was she? I explained that she should be 24 years old, and they tell me it would be quite impossible for them to have a patient that age, because they were an adolescent only hospital. I email the "Doctor" back and explain that I wouldn't be traveling to her bedside nor will I be sending any money and I believed the whole thing to be a scam and that I had been in contact with the authorities. Some reason I never heard back from him....hmmmmmm - interesting. About a week later, Beth emails me and tells me that she was mugged on the way to the airport, they took her money that she was going to use for the ticket, took her cell phone, purse, passport, driver's license, and diary which had my name, email address, and phone number. Fast-forward to early this month, again she says she has a flight (again gives me the flight information). I state to that I wasn't completely convinced and that I didn't really trust her at this time. I also said that if she didn't make this flight that I would cut off all ties to her. She said it wouldn't be a problem and she said that the first thing she wanted to do was to have a nice dinner at a nice restaurant with me. Spring ahead and the day of the flight - I am tracking the flight online and I see that it lands in Atlanta. About an hour later I received a text message from her. I was hoping that she said that she made it safely to Atlanta. Instead she tells me that she had just seen the lawyer who was overseeing her mother's estate and the her father (who passed away years ago) had left her a fortune to the tune of $500,000.00. But she couldn't access it yet because of stipulations of her father's will. But the lawyer had said that there were ways around that. Sensing a scam, I lied and told her that I had found someone new and I didn't want to jeopardize the new relationship and I needed to cut off all contacts with her. I ignored all other attempts to contact me made by "Beth" because I sensed a scam. The sad thing is this started out all sounding very sincere and nice and then turned into a complete scam. It is horrible because there are people praying on people who have broken hearts and looking for love. Stuff like this makes me doubt everything. Seems like my life is one drama to the next.
  11. Like the title says. How many of you were in a past relationship - either a LTR or marriage and the relationship ended. Were any of you afraid to date again for fear of being hurt?
  12. If you think this is bad, do a search of my name and you can read the whole drama of my relationship with my ex.
  13. When she texted me and asked me to call her I had three possibilities running through my head. 1 - He proposed to her and she said yes. 2 - He proposed to her and she said no and now doesn't know what to do so she needed an ear to bounce things off of. 3 - She realized that she made a mistake of leaving me and wanted to know if I would take her back. I was doing some cleaning and I came across a cardboard box that I didn't recognize (I have been slowly converting card board boxes to clear transparent plastic ones because 1 - I can see inside, 2 - plastic is more durable than cardboard, 3 - it doesnt get soggy when wet. Anyway I peaked inside and I spent the next hour sobbing because it was all of the wedding stuff. Photo albums, congrats cards, our wedding video, even my wedding ring.
  14. Hello everyone, For the last several days I have felt, well numb....not really sad, certanly not happy...but numb and I am not sure how or what to do. On Sunday afternoon - I got out of the shower and I heard my cell-phone chirp stating that I had a text message that I hadn't read yet. So I read the message and it was from my ex-wife and it said "Call me later when you get a chance. I need to talk to you privately." So after drying off and getting dressed, I called my ex and she said that she wanted to tell me something and it wasn't easy because she knew it might upset me and she didn't want to post it on her blog or Facebook account until she told me. This is how the phone conversation went. Me - "(name of boyfriend) ask you to marry him, didn't he?" Her - "Yes he did." Me - "Did you accept?" Her - "Yes I did." Me - "Ok...not sure what you want me to say." Her - "Are you ok?" Me - "No, it's been two years since you left and it's been two years since I've been ok. But I struggle to move on everyday." Her - "Ok, well you know that I still care about you and I don't want to hurt you." Me - "You're a little late, but thanks. I have to be going now I have run some errands." Like I said, I am not sure how I should be treating this, I still love her even though she made the decision to leave. Part of me wanted her to say that she made a mistake in leaving and wanted a 2nd chance. Has anyone else gone through this? Does anyone else relate? Thanks for listening.
  15. Well it's January 1st, and the holidays are over and all I can say - thank goodness. Well now I have another issue.....my roommate has a new girlfriend and they are starting the whole kissy, kissy, huggy, huggy thing.....it bugs me....
  16. I must be in a downturn of things.....last night I had anohter episode of sadness. One of my coping things is food......specifically I tend to overeat when I am down in the dumps......I hate it....I hate myself for doing it..... I overate last night and when I finally realized what I was doing I colapsed on the floor and started balling....I felt the warm flush of my blood pressure rising....it made me sick to my stomach....so much I felt myself getting sick and I ran to the bathroom and threw up (I am sorry - I know GROSS). After that, I didn't feel safe anymore and I went to the hospital. They didn't keep me more that a couple of hours....honestly I would have preferred if they would have. But the ED Doctor prescribed me some Xanex...... Here's hoping I get better.
  17. I signed off early last night because I was tired after typing my 10 day adventure. The reason why I started typing is I am feeling all alone.....it's starting to get into the holiday season and last christmas sucked......it sucked very much...being alone....afraid of telling friends or family what is "REALLY" bothering you. Maybe someone here knows what that's like.
  18. Hello everyone - it's been over a month since I last posted....mainly because I have been keeping myself busy with work....working a lot of overtime and stuff....well this past 10 days were the worst in a long time. Last Saturday, a very close friend of mine got married and I was invited to the wedding and reception. It was all very nice and beautifully arranged. But since my divorce, I don't do weddings very well ( as mentioned previously ) and it was difficult. Fortunately I was placed at a table with several of my friends (we were all from HS) so at least I had someone to talk to. Dinner was good, it was an egg noodle dish with either beef, chicken, or shrimp. Well, after dinner it was time for dancing, but I didn't have a chance to dance with anyone. Since it was late and I had a long drive back home, I headed back. I took me an hour and 8 minutes from the time I hit the onramp to the freeway to the driveway at the house, yes I timed it. Last Monday, I went into work and things were normal until about an hour before I was to go home. I got that familiar and disgusting feeling in the back of my throat of a cold or flu coming on......Tuesday I wake up and if I didn't have to go to a very important training seminar, I would have stayed home......After the training seminar (which lasted all day), I went to my chiropractor, then home. Changed into warm clothes, and hopped into bed.....it was official I WAS SICK!!!! Wednesday and Thursday I called in sick and stayed in bed.....I had the flu.....and it was kicking my butt. What happens to me is I turn into the biggest baby when I get sick....my ex-wife can attest to that....anything can start to make me cry.....I don't know why.....and I don't really care either. Friday, I started off the day feeling just "ok" so I thought I could go into work.....BAD IDEA....everyone looked at me and the best complement on my looks was that I looked like "death warmed over" (actual quote from a co-worker). They "encouraged" me to go home and take the rest of the weekend to get better. So I did.......on my way home I called my folks and told them that I tried to go to work and it didn't work out well....they asked if I needed anything and I said some juice, Tylenol, and a thermometer. I crawl into bed at about 10:30 am and awoke to my parents calling my phone at 5 pm asking if I had gotten their "sick package" yet. I told them that I just woke up and I would check.....and yes it was there...... Well everything was okey-dokey and then I wanted to take my temperature using the new thermometer. Well this thing comes in those bubble plastic cartons and you need a strong, sharp object, to open theses things...Well my roommates Ducks Unlimited hunting knife (which we have been using as a letter opener) was right there in front of me......well to make a long story short, I accidentally stabbed myself in the left thumb trying to open this thing...(no I was not trying to hurt myself - but this is what happens to someone who isn't fully awake, has a sharp instrument, and wants something opened). Well it hurt, it bled, I got laughed at by my roommate who is also a paramedic who pointed out scissors less that 3 feet away from where I was sitting. After about 10 minutes of direct pressure on my new wound, I put a Band-Aid on it.....it continued to bleed a little bit and when I went to change the dressing about 4 hours later, it was UGLY.....thinking I better head to the ER just to make sure I don't need stitches. The doc looks it over, and gives three options; Stitches, Dermaglue (Skin Superglue), or a Tube Dressing. I chose the Tube Dressing.......and I also received a Tetanus shot for my troubles......which is hurting worse than the stab wound (OUCH!!!) With all of this, I really miss getting hugs from my wife......
  19. Thank you Trace, I am having one of those days that you just described. Nothing much going on.....my favorite Football team lost (American Football).
  20. Well I just found out from my cousin that he and his new bride are expecting a little one in about 8 months. I guess I should be happier for them, but I am sad. Sad because at their wedding, I was having a hard time. Namly because it reminded me of my ex-wife and our wedding. As soon as I could, I left the church and got to the reception site and I orded a drink from the bar. Probably not the smartest move, but I didn't care. After an hour and half, the music kicked in and so did the dancing. I only had one alcoholic drink.....namely because they were $6.00 a peice.....so I drank soda. While everyone was dancing, my cousin-in-law and I stayed in the corner and talked about how and what we needed to do to referbish the speedboat that our family owns that is up at our cabin. The cabin was built by my great grand father and has passed down through the years. Because there are over 20 grand kids and great grand kids (the great-great-great grand kids can't drive yet) the cabin, the speed boat, fishing boat, and pontoon are in a joint LLC which all of us are board members.....mainly to avoid in-fighting about the property and boats/pontoon. The problem with the speedboat is the plywood decking......it's not in good shape................anyway getting side tracked..... After my cousin-in-law, my cousin (his wife) and their kids left, I hung around for about 10 minutes and then I went home.......I wasn't in any mood to party. I guess I noticed a change in moods.....when I talk about something I am passionate about or requires alot of detail or something that interestests me, I am not so sad......maybe even happy. But if I stay alone and brood.....then I am not so happy.
  21. Well things continue to suck......I have taken my first few steps to go on with my life with out my wife and let's just say the few ladies I have seen just don't interest me. I have no physical or romantic attraction to any of them thus far. I have been experiencing pain in my right elbow now for some time, but I don't really want to go and see a doc about it...... Last night I ate small container (1 pint???) worth of ice cream......then I just laid down and cried and fell asleep. I've been having nightmares again...... Why can't my brain be fixed like a car.....take out the bad parts and replace them with nice shiny new AND working parts....... Anyone found that broken heart repair kit I asked about in the first post?
  22. Oddjob - slight correction.....she didn't show up at my work place.......she showed up at my home.....I would have preferred that she showed up at my work place.
  23. Well Friday completely SUCKED!!!!! Work was bad, so busy and not enough staff to help out. But the part that really sucked was my ex-wife showed up at my place. She was bringing stuff that belongs to me. She was a little to grab happy and took some of my things with her when she moved. Specifically they were Christmas ornaments that she took and the were given to me by my parents. After she dropped off my stuff, she hung around for about 10 minutes and explained her happiness and disappointment in the new house the her and her boyfriend just moved into. She explained her frustration with moving and she said that she wish it was easier. I told her that it would have been, but she decided to leave me for someone who could give her all of the toys that she wants instead of being a respectable and loyal wife.......which she didn't like too much. I told her to leave and to leave me alone, and she asked why. I said, you know why and I went back inside.
  24. Well this isn't fun, she's in town till Sunday for a HS reunion, the Minnesota State Fair, and just to say "hi" to me......part of our divorce settlement is we both have "joint custody" of our two pet cats. Although I have them with me all of the time and I pay for their food, the litter, their toys, their vet visits etc......and she hasn't chipped in at all. Not that I mind, I love my kitties...even though they can be a pain in the butt some times........think of a permanent 3 y.o., very hairy, sleeps a lot, doesn't say much, but at least knows where to go potty.
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