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Everything posted by Maxx55

  1. Hi everyone, today is my birthday and I am feeling kinda "meh". Not too extremely happy.....not too "oh woe is me" either. My family and I had a tradition....on our birthdays we would go to the restaurant of the birthday's choice and have dinner. My mom always chose either Olive Garden or Red Lobster, my dad wanted to go to a local family owned restaurant, I guess it is considered a chain since they have 4 or 5 establishments, but all owned by the same family. I always chose a steak place like Outback or Texas Roadhouse. in 2016 we didn't go out for my birthday....it was too cold and my mom and dad didn't want to leave....not a problem and they said they would make it up later. We never did. In 2017 we didn't go out because my mom passed away in August and so it was just my dad and I and we just had a pizza. In 2018 my dad and I didn't go out because I had a colonoscopy earlier that day.....yes....a colonoscopy on my birthday....(everything checked out fine btw if you were curious). Today I left work early and decided to purchase my own steak dinner.....I guess you have to sometimes do things yourself, right? I guess I am feeling "meh" because I miss birthdays of years past with my parents and girlfriend and I. Now no girlfriend or wife, mother has passed away and my dad didn't want to go out. Of course those are the good birthdays.....one horrible birthday I had was when I invited 15-16 friends....we were going to go to Chuck E. Cheese.....only no one came...i stopped inviting friends to birthdays....
  2. So it is thanksgiving and as I started this post, Santa made his appearance on TV at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade and the dog show is about to start. I’m sorry if this is going to trigger anyone but I have to vent so please bear with me. For the last year and a half, the woman I would consider my girlfriend broke up with me. I have supported her and her two kids (not my kids though) through giving them money and buying food. Earlier this year my girlfriend had two surgeries. One was nerve ablation in her left knee and a few weeks later, a hysterectomy. I took time off from work to be with her and to help her with the kids since she was going to be on some pretty good pain meds. Well we seemed to distance from each other and she started being hostile and isolating. Conversations were short and sharp. Until well, you get the idea. I always thought that when growing up my life would be so much different. I thought I would be working my dream job as a law enforcement officer. I thought I would have a house with a big yard, a dog, a wife, two-three kids, being able take one of those picturesque “family photos” for a Christmas card saying “Happy Holidays to all of you from The Hansen’s -Steve, Sarah, Amanda, Hannah, and Greg” (not real names...just examples). Instead it is much different. No law enforcement officer job, no wife (I’m divorced) and I don’t even have a girlfriend...no house (I live in a mediocre apartment)..no dog (I lost my two cats recently, one in November of 2018 and one on April 2019) .. and I have no kids. I also lost my mom in August of 2017 and holidays are always tough. My dad and I were invited to my cousins house for Thanksgiving, but he turned them down, so thanksgiving is just my dad and I. Quite the change from when I was growing up. Thanksgiving when I was a child was so much different. First it was our old house with a lot of room. My grandparents, my mom, dad, me. Three sets of aunties and uncles, topped off by 10 kids and my old dog, Buffy (she was a Cocker Spaniel) It was a full house. I miss those days and I think my dad does too. I guess what I’m saying is I’m sad. I’m sad because my dream job hasn’t happened. I’m sad because I don’t have house that I want. I’m sad because I’m not married to a beautiful woman. I’m sad that I don’t have kids. I’m sad I don’t have a dog. I’m sad because I yearn for the days of holidays gone by. I’m sad for what could be but isn’t. Thank you for your time.
  3. Hello everyone. I am feeling down at the moment so some of what I am going to write might make sense. It's been about a week and a half since my last posting. My lady/significant other (whatever term you care to use) had her knee ablation procedure and seems happier because of it. The day of and day after that procedure she sent me a text and was very polite to me when she asked for help, including please and thank you. No money or anything, just to help her around the house. Because of the pain medication she was given she was more or less sedated because of it. So I helped out with laundry, made dinner, made sure the kids behaved and that they took their baths, brushed their teeth and then made sure they went to bed all while their mom slept. Tomorrow she is having her hysterectomy. I don't know why, but I am scared for her and she did admit that she's a little nervous about it. When I asked she said of the lifting restrictions, the pain, and that she might feel less that a woman because she won't have her plumbing anymore. She told me that I could visit her at the hospital if I wanted to. Part of me wants to go, part of me doesn't. She said her mom & dad are going to be there and she said she would call or text me since she doesn't want me to be around her parents....I don't know why....they know me...a little. I looked up codependent online and I saw some descriptions that apply to me. intense and unstable interpersonal relationships chronic feelings of boredom and emptiness subordinating one's own needs to those of the person with whom one is involved overwhelming desire for acceptance and affection perfectionism low self-worth Thank you for letting me ramble. Oh and to top it off, it's Father's Day....unfortunately I am not a dad..but want to be.
  4. Hi everyone.... Its been a little bit since my last post. I checked myself into the mental health services of my hospital and I was inpatient care. Things came to a boiling point and I lashed out, verbally. I felt extremely saddened by all of my failures whether real or imagined. It just came out....my work, any meaningful relationship with a girl. Just seemed like no matter what I do...,it’s never good enough. It’s like BB King’s song “How Blue can you Get? “I gave you a brand new Ford, you said 'I want a Cadillac' I bought you a ten dollar dinner, you said 'Thanks for the snack' I let you live in my penthouse, you said it was just a shack” I’m seeing a therapist now....fingers crossed.
  5. Hello all.....earlier today I received several text messages from the ex......I did not respond. Felt really low...I reached out to the suicidepreventionlifeline.org chat line and chatted with a counselor. Feelings of not being good enough etc. Thinking that I am going to seek out a counselor.
  6. It's just makes me feel like a failure in meeting a significant other.....my wife left me, the one I've written about isn't treating me very kindly, only had two other girlfriends before that.......I have no children....only one parent living....no siblings.....Who's going to grow old with me? Who's going to take care of me when I no longer can? Who's going to visit me in my old age....if I make it to old age?? I've been on dating sites with minimal success....actually no success....it seems like this is my last chance.
  7. Good question, but yes I do believe her. I was/am supposed to take her to her follow up mammography appointment on Tuesday. I also saw her paperwork from her OB/GYN visit, so yes. I don't doubt her sincerity.
  8. Hello everyone..... I have a friend? Girlfriend?? Ex-fiancé??? friend with benefits??? Not really sure what to call her. For the last ten or so years I’ve been helping out financially a lady. Every now and then she wanted something physical as well if you catch my drift. Part of the annoyance is if I have plans for a day, she might call or text and basically demand I drop whatever I am doing to help her. Today was such a day. She wanted quarters for laundry and for me to do the laundry for her. I brought her quarters but declined to do laundry because well, I have my own laundry to do. Plus she has a 16 yo son and 13 yo daughter. She claims that because her son was diagnosed with ADHD, that precludes him from working the wash. She’s having additional stress. She was hit by a car a year ago, broke her knee. Her knee is structurally sound but the nerves are all wacky so she’s going to have nerve ablation. On top of that she’s going to have a hysterectomy and one ovary removed next month. Last week she had her first mammogram ever and a few days later they called her to come back in for additional images. i want to help but at the same time she treats me like I’m a wallet and not much else. Im at my wits end and I don’t know what to think anymore.
  9. Thank you everyone. Im in a funk right now and I’m not enjoying life I I see others doing. I’m fat. I’ll admit it. Part of my problem is yes I’ve been dabbling in self harm (I realize that now). Not by cutting or anything violent, but self-harm through eating. I guess I can blame my mom a little bit and the things she did. Example “ you took the food so you are going to eat the whole thing. I don’t care if you’re full.” And other mom things. I then became an emotional eater after my first real break up from a girl. Emotional pain hurt so much, I drowned it out through food.....good wouldn’t judge me....just like my cats no judgement, just caring purrs. i still remember when my wife left..didn’t eat for two days.......medicated myself with Xanax and laid in bed. Im so broken
  10. Well my two years of bad luck continues....ugh..must be cursed or something. Mom passed away August 2017, pet cat Tiger passed away in November 2018, pet cat Pumpkin passed away April 1st, 2019. That and continuing to deal with other personal issues as well (see my other posts..don't feel like repeating myself right now). I need a vacation. p.s. - anyone know how to lose weight? Tried going to a gym only to get laughed at by some of the gym rats there...did not help my confidence or self-esteem at all.
  11. Hello all. As I mentioned I have started to apply for other jobs. Things are not very positive for me right now. Really struggling to maintain a positive attitude.... Clippedwings - you mentioned that perhaps I should be a security guard. Unfortunately that’s what I already do. Have been for a long time. Bottom line I’m tired of it, yet I know nothing other than this. I took a security guard job so I could gain experience working with the public, responding to emergencies like fire alarms and medicals, but all I am is treated as a “wannabe” by those in the field and a “too police-y” by the powers that be. The people who come up for help isn’t really “legitimate” as far as I’m concerned. It’s not to escort someone, or confront a person who isn’t supposed to be in the building. It’s stupid stuff like not being able to find their car or to give them a temporary access badge for the day, simply because they don’t care and no one will hold them accountable. I guess the main reason I’m bummed out is because I received a reply from an out of state center about my training and if it was good enough for them. Short answer was “no...not good enough”, which my brain translates into them saying “you’re not good enough so don’t bother”. i don’t know...with the lack of success I feel like an old abused hound dog that no one cares for anymore. ps I’m sorry if this post upsets anyone
  12. True. Two things I left out. 1 - very wary of online dating as I was scammed out some money (should have known better). 2 - I’ve started applying to new jobs to try and get myself out of my unhappy and deadens job.
  13. Thank you....I guess this is just me venting. Feeling as if I haven't achieved something truly worthwhile and meant something. Is this just self-pity??? I don't know.
  14. I....I'm a little taken back. I don't really have the proper words to form a response. Part of me is venting....I guess when you feel you hit rock bottom....there is nothing but up. Thank you for your words, although I feel that I am not worthy of them.
  15. Hi everyone, I feel like had an epiphany and finally figured out what’s wrong with me....I’m a loser...allow me to explain. Ive never been a popular person. Back in school I spent more time sitting from afar because I wasn’t part of the “cool” crowd. I wanted to be on the football and hockey teams. Did I make it? Nope, cut after tryouts. Oh was some what athletic, marched in the high school marching band playing a big, heavy tuba. after high school, I wanted to be a police officer. Never did. Why? Well here’s that story. In order to be a law enforcement officer in my state you need to have a letter from the state board saying you can. In order to get that letter, you have to go to college an earn a criminal justice degree. Once you have your degree, you take the state mandated test, and if you pass, you receive this letter. Oh, and the letter has a three year expiration date on it. If you don’t get a cop job after three years, you have to take the test over again. So ive taken the test a couple of times, applied to about 130 different departments and NONE of them offered me a law enforcement officer position. So so what can I do with my degree? Well how about security management. Sure, sounds simple enough and would be a guarantee to move up, but oh no, it’s not that simple. When the promotion is announced and you think with a criminal justice degree and three years seniority you are a perfect fit, the hiring manager pulls the rug out from you and gives the job to a person who has no experience in security, no relative college degree, and never even thought about being in security the world, and doesn’t even possess the skills listed as “requirements” on the job posting. Thats my professional/job related thing. My personal life is this. Dating life in high school was non-existent. Only girlfriend cheated on me with a guy in the senior class. Didnt date in college. Started dating after college. Met a girl, dated her. Proposed, she accepted, we moved in to an apartment together. Month and a half later she cheats on me then demands that I vacate the apartment...so I take my stuff and leave. A year later, meet a new girl, start dating. Get engaged and we move in together. Get married and after two and a half years later, we divorced. Only been on three dates since then (3 dates in 5 years) So what do you think?
  16. Well the last two months have been interesting to say the least. On November 8th my kitty cat that I have had for 13 years, Tiger, passed away. On December 13th (my birthday), I went in and had a colonoscopy....what a fun thing to do on one's birthday, right? I got the results back...fortunately no cancer, but they found inflammation. I guess that's my present. Then Christmas and New Years came and went.....
  17. Just got home....I know right now people are celebrating 2019 in New York and singing New York, New York and Auld Lang Syne and kissing their significant other. I guess it doesn't really help either that my now ex-wife also left me at this time.....NYE 2007..... Ugh I know I shouldn't torture myself but it's difficult not to think about and I also think it makes me have trust issues.
  18. Well it’s a week later and now it’s New Year’s and yes, I’m at work again. Still feel the same. I feel part part of it is due to work situation. I’m not happy with where I am in my supposed career. So much so that I’m looking at new jobs in a completely different state compared to where I live now. No, more like 6 hours away by car. I’m sure you have been asked “where do you see yourself in three years” well I’ve always said management. Manager, director you know something like that. Do I get help, oh no. No ideas on how to further my career..no help. New guy shows up. Manager bends over backwards to help the new guy. I ask for the same treatment...completely blown off, nothing but deafening silence. Promotional position to manager comes up. One that I had been waiting 7 years to open. I applied, interviewed and wasn’t selected. The new guy was promoted. When I asked why I wasn’t selected, the hiring person brought up all the stuff the new guy did (same stuff I had no response to) was used as justification not to promote me. Basically the new guy was selected and chosen to be promoted on day one regardless of what anyone else had to say. It’s stuff like this that sometimes makes me think “gee I really am a loser and there isn’t a damned thing I can do about it .”
  19. Hi All It’s 9:00 pm on Christmas Eve and I’m at work (oh horray). I feel numb and a bit sad. I’m 43, not married, no kids, I’m an only child so no brothers or sisters, I lost my mom to a stroke in August ‘17 and while my dad is still around, he doesn’t really want to do Christmas stuff like mom did. We’d go full out. Christmas tree, ornaments, tinsel, garland, we’d drive around to see decorations and lights at night. Now we he doesn’t...and neither do I. I have a tree I bought two years ago and it hasn’t been out of the box yet. my dad said he didn’t want anything for Christmas but I got him something we both could enjoy, a tabletop pool table. While i I see friends and coworkers out celebrating with their families, seeing the joy in the eyes of their kids as they got that perfect Christmas gift (you know, like that kid from A Christmas Story), me?? I’d be happy just not to be alone all the damned time. Oh and a month ago I lost my kitty cat. Can anyone relate?
  20. Thank you MLG. I hope this is allowed, I’m going to try to post a picture of my now fur angel.
  21. So for a little update... I've been reassigned to a different shift...I was working 7 am to 3:30 pm, but now I am working 1:30 pm to 10:00 pm.....and now my social life...what little I had....is completely shot. I hate it....I'm looking for new work elsewhere. Also, part of my therapy was talking, petting, and appreciating the presence of my pet kitty, Tiger. Unfortunately Tiger passed away on Thursday. She hadn't been eating since last Thursday, took her in to the Vet...they did some blood work that came back fine...she was brought in again for additional tests when her body temperature started to drop, her breathing became labored, and her pulse became weak. I had her for 13 years....she comforted me through a divorce and my mom's passing...curling up in my lap and purring....and a few mews as if to say "I'm here if you need me".
  22. I currently have a job, but as of late it has become very stressful for me. I'm having panic attacks and feelings of dread. I looked up on a medical hospital website because they have a position that is open that I am interested in but while there, I saw that they had "10 Sings that you or a loved one need mental help"..... 1. You’re having sleep problems. Research estimates up to 80 of people with depression report struggling with insomnia, or have early morning awakening, which is an often-overlooked but highly correlated sign, but highly correlated. If you’re having recurring nightmares or any other sleep disruptions—this one is a biggie that might point to anxiety or post-traumatic stress. 2. You experience a spontaneous change in appetite. Check in with yourself: Have you lost your appetite? Or are you eating much more than you usually do? Changes in appetite can be a sign of coping with excess stress. 3. Your moods have changed, change often, or not often enough. You could be experiencing lower mood than usual, or feeling blah more days than not. Be aware of swings in the other direction, too: There’s nothing wrong with being in a good mood, but if your moods are fueling any problematic decisions, or swinging drastically, it could be signs of a disorder. 4. You’re struggling with excessive fear. This can take the form of thoughts, worries, panic, and physiological body sensations of anxiety and fear. Ask yourself: Does your anxiety cause more stress than it helps cope with it? There’s a good sweet spot in managing anxiety, as the right amount of anxiety can motivate you, but benefits need to outweigh the costs. 5. You’re struggling with physical signs of stress. These clusters of symptoms vary from person to person. Stress can include general muscle tension, headaches, and upset stomach and GI distress. It can also worsen existing chronic medical conditions. Sometimes we communicate emotions and mental well-being through the body—this can be especially common in kids, but adults do it, too. 6. Your relationships are fraying. You might withdraw from social activities. You may feel disconnected. You may be finding yourself avoiding people and relationships that you normally value. You may feel guilty or ashamed about the disconnection, a sense of missing out, sadness, or loss. 7. You’re easily irritated. Irritability is commonly overlooked. You might be short with loved ones or have a hard time finding compassion. If you normally like helping people, but your reserves are tapped out, or you’re chronically cranky, argumentative, blaming, or unsympathetic to others—all point to a need for more support. 8. Your behavior is changing considerably. While it’s normal and fine to do things that bring you relief or pleasure—a glass of wine, shopping, surfing the web—too much of a good thing can impact you negatively. If it crosses the line from fun and leisure to escape of reality or stress, it’s time to talk to someone. 9. You’re struggling with your identity and purpose. This might also manifest as self-esteem issues, negative self-talk or self-image, or issues of body image. 10. You’re having trouble bouncing back. In general, humans are pretty resilient, but when we are having a hard time getting back up, or we are really worn down from having to get back up, that’s a sign that seeking help might be worthwhile. Out of these 10 signs - I think I have 8 of them...Only #'s 2 and #8 are absent..... I've been dealing with depression since high school....back then you didn't have "say no to bullying" as much as you do today....Back then it was "suck it up buttercup". I guess if you live long enough to be called a loser and worthless....you start to believe it.
  23. Hello everyone. Last week I had a health scare that seriously freaked me out. I’m 42 years old, divorced, no kids, only child, and the first anniversary of my mom’s passing is coming up next week. While I’ve been depressed about my job, my lack of female companionship, lack of offspring, I have been as of late....completely terrified of dying. I know that every one dies and I eventually will too but it doesn’t help. The thought of it gives me a full blown panic attack. I don’t know what do. Am I weird?? Am I strange? Who can I talk to about this??
  24. Thank you for suggesting this. Not to hijack the thread, but when I am feeling very stressed and just need to zone out for a while, I play Samuel Barber's Adagio for Strings from the Homeworld Soundtrack. When I listen to it, I feel like my stress is slowly leaving me...and I just feel a little bit better. Samuel Barber's Adagio for Strings from the Homeworld Soundtrack
  25. So it's been a couple of days. So my manager sort of likes me and he asked me to create a new position based off an idea I had for him about a year ago. That's fine and good, but he knows I want to be a manager. I know I could do it too, I've been in management positions before at other companies....did pretty well since I was given bonuses when I worked at those other companies. They don't hand out bonuses (not talking about a 100 bucks or and a steak dinner....no it was a check between $2,500.00 and $5k and a $300.00 voucher to redeem one or more gift cards). Anyway, the position that has yet to be posted and I've talked to a few other managers in the company asking for their advice. They said that since it is open to only internal candidates (those who already work for Best Buy) that I should apply anyway for two reasons. 1 - I have to be interviewed (company policy) and 2 - to gain experience and to be comfortable interviewing again. So when it posts, I will be ready to go. I have also applied to several other firms in my geographical area that have open positions in my area of expertise.
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