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Everything posted by Maxx55

  1. thank you for your responses...... I don't know what it is.......burn out??? I take responsibility for everything thrown at me. Caring for my mother, yep no problem. Acting as the family spokesperson and working with the hospital while my mother is dying in their ICU due to a massive stroke - sure thing, I was the proverbial Vulcan...all logic, no emotion. Turned into a sobbing mess in my vehicle though. Divorce...yep..all my problem....no happy wife, no happy life, You want x, y, & z done at work? No problem I gave you W, X, Y, & Z there boss. While everyone in college was out partying it up and having a real good time, I was at home studying. While everyone was at home studying, I was at work supporting myself. While the males in my college classes were dating the females, I was home alone. No females wanted to date me. While other guys in my dorm where engaging in romantic activities and you could hear them with their female companions in the throws of passions, I was on my computer quietly playing a video game and trying not to cry, pretending that it doesn't hurt to be alone. I am that guy who is in the "friends zone".....you know the one who you like to be around, hang out with, but won't date?? I am in many "friends zone". A female friend who is drunk and throwing up....I'd be the guy holding her hair so it doesn't get vomit all over it. You harassing my female friends.....I'm the one who steps in and stops it....I am the shy, "great guy"..... I was asked. "what do you want in life?" I'd like to have a house...3-4 bedrooms, 2-4 bath, split entry, 3 car garage. Things that were considered "standard" where I live. Instead I rent an apartment. I'd like to have a dog and cat to keep me company. I'd also like to have a better job where I feel like I am respected instead of peed on all of the time.
  2. hello. i barely post here anymore because i feel like no one cares. i had an employee review today at work and well it didn't surprise me in the least........i explained my feelings and thoughts and how i felt i was in a catch-22. i want to get promoted to a manger position but since i have been doing interviews outside of the company, their response is "well, why should we promote you when you are looking elsewere?" well today i fired back and said that isn't the question you should be asking. i said "why haven't you take the time promote me? the company's lack of gratitude for all of the hard word, dedication, and leadership I have given over the last 14 years hasn't paid off for me. others have benefited from my expertise and reaped the benefits, but not me....and you have the nerve to ask why I am looking outside of the company." it may cost me my job....but at this rate i really don't care....i'd rather go drive a semi-truck across the country at this point......only time i find peace is when I am alone.....i guess that makes me a weirdo.....fine....whatever...don't care what other people think.
  3. I would agree with that in some degree, but in other locations I have never had it this bad nor have to deal with so many people who couldn't give a rat's behind...and I am talking about not only co-workers but also management. So to give you an example. When say a government organization....let's take a fire department for example. You have an opening for a Fire Chief and it has in the job description some requirements...requirements are A, B, C, D, etc. The organization goes through the hiring process and decides on the next fire chief. The next fire chief already works for the City in the Park & Recreation dept. and only go the job because they were friends with the hiring manager. The person was promoted into a role they had no idea what to do, no business being there, and acts like a know it all but the results show he's incompetent in that role. Meanwhile the Lt. who had all the requirements and years of experience doesn't get the position that they were qualified for.
  4. Ugh....it never ends. Well I finally decided to reward myself with a little vacation. Only been four years since I had any significant time since I had a week off, but that wasn't much fun because I was dealing with my mother's funeral and funeral arrangements. Anyway, I come back from vacation and I was just dreading to go back to the office. I ended up getting a final written warning for a policy violation. Like OMG!!! The way disciplinary actions are supposed to go is if you have a problem with another employee, you are supposed to go to your supervisor or the person's supervisor and make a complaint. The person's supervisor is then supposed to take action....verbal warning, written warning, etc. Instead the person or persons who complained about me when right to HR's reporting line so they knew that HR would investigate instead of supervisors. So first day back from vacation I was almost fired. I can't win.
  5. Hello everyone....I think I am in an abusive relationship. The closest thing I have to a significant other is a 45 year old woman who is my former fiancée from about 15 years ago. She has two children both in their teens. She is always asking me for things. Money usually, but then sometimes rides for her and her kids to the store or other location. Last Friday she requested my help for her apartment complex. She's the caretaker of a single building - 12 unit apartment complex and wanted to trim bushes and trees....a lot of work. I bought a used saw from Craigslist and on Sunday we began work at 9:00. By 1 pm we had a large pile of branches. Personally I felt it was the responsibility of the landlord (not her) to take care of such issues, but he's more or less a slum lord - hardly fixing problems on site, no lawn or grounds maintenance, nothing. Anyway, she has this habit of calling or texting me. Now if I don't reply back with in a minute or two, she throws an absolute temper tantrum and says she never wants to see or talk to me again and blah blah blah....I know I should just block her and let her fend for herself. But I hate to say it, I love her. I am 45 years old too and I feel this is the closest I will ever come to having a family of my own. My ex-wife couldn't have children as she had a hysterectomy when we were engaged. I've tried dating but no women want to date me, I am always "friends". It's affecting my mind too....I have even started to hurt myself by cutting on my upper arms. Don't I deserve to be happy??? I don't know what to do. I really don't know what to do.
  6. Ugh, I am not sure why it is my life is this way but it is. I consider myself a fairly well educated man. I have a college degree in criminal justice, I work hard, I have been at the same employer for 14 years and still I feel like junk. I see other people get promoted over me who ask me for advice, which I give, and then they turn around and present the advice I have given them as their own brilliant ideas that they came up with. They get bumped up to another position and the reap the benefits of my hard work. Oh, and these people who get promoted don't bother thanking me....the pretend that I don't exist....they belittle me in private and in front of others. I have tried to get a new job, I apply, I interview, and then nothing....I get nothing but a "thank you for your interest in our organization but we have chosen other candidates that more closely fit our needs. I am just so tired.
  7. It's my birthday today and I can say at this time, I am so over birthdays I am trying to not let bother me anymore. The days of birthday parties, birthday cakes, and presents are over. Sure I get a lot of messages from my friends and family on social media, but that's it. I haven't received a birthday present since 2015. 2016, my own mother forgot my birthday....that hurt. 2017, mom had passed away in August so she wasn't around. 2018 and 2019 it was just my dad and I. We had dinner at his house, like we normally do, but nothing really special. 2020 with all of the COVID-19 and our governor banning in-room dining I wasn't expecting much. It turned out to be a little better because my dad made one of my favorite meals, but doesn't take too much to prep. Beef pot roast with onions, potatoes, carrots, beef broth and cooked in a crockpot. I guess I will need to give myself my own presents from now on. Side note - I think my dad is suffering from depression too. It's been 3 years since my mom passed and he told me tonight that he feels lonely and asked if I had ever felt the same (all the time dad). Then he is greeted by the kitty that I got for him after our other two cats passed away (2018 & 2019).
  8. hi everyone....earlier this week I had my employee review with my bosses and I had to bite my tongue to keep from going into tears. Good news is my boss says that I am doing a great job and upper management is pleased with my current work performance, but they get a sense that I am unhappy or not challenged enough or that "something is off". They know about my lady friend who moved back to the east coast, whom I have been communicating with through email, but I guess there are concerns about me. Bosses know that I have been interviewing outside of the company and while they are not thrilled to see me leave because of my expertise, the are supportive in trying to make me happy. My boss asked me point blank....."What makes you happy?".....all I did was just look back at him and didn't answer. What makes me happy???? nothing really.....I can only think of only one thing.....my lady friend who is back east who would just hold my hand and spend time with me. I am very lonely....I don't have many friends.....most friends have left me to be with their own families and activities.....it's like I don't really exist anymore. I've resisted the comfort I usually go to.....which is food. When I go to comfort food, it's helps....kinda....food doesn't judge me or make jokes at my expense....but I resist it's pull thus far.
  9. So I wanted to follow up - the lady whom I will call Holly - finally read my whole poem. Why do I know that? Well, she called me and we talked on the phone. She expressed her appreciation and the thoughts I put to paper, and she was honest enough with me to say that she wished I had asked sooner as she would have said yes. Unfortunately it was very, very bad timing on my part because she had already decided not to renew her lease at her apartment and was heading back home (which is states away) to spend time with her parents. It's my understanding that her father is in poor health. She was concerned that I wouldn't understand, but I told her I did. The last night I saw her, I brought her a small present. It was necklace with a heart pendant. This pendant had some diamonds in there, but it didn't cost me a fortune and it was very pretty. When I gave it to her, she was shocked and was completely in awe. She was so very appreciative and gave me a very big hug and a kiss on the cheek. She thought it was so beautiful and she started to tear up. She called me a few days later and told me that she was home with her parents and she even introduced me to them through Facetime as a "dear friend". A while later she said that she wasn't sure if she would come back, but she now knows that someone is here and cares for her....so her return is almost certain....more of "when" not "if".
  10. Hello everyone - I thought I would follow up with my previous post. I saw there were over 50 views, but no comments and when I wrote it, I was very tired....I guess that is a lesson....don't make posts when you are suffering from a lack of sleep. I guess with my previous post, I was trying to convey how terrified I am at the prospect of being alone. I've spent most of my time alone....no brothers or sisters....only a few pets. No girlfriend in Jr. High School, High School, or college....well I had female friends, but nothing romantic. You know, when I went to school dances, I was always the kid who ended up sitting in the dark corner of the gymnasium where the dance was being held, pretending to look interested in the lines painted on the gym floor....every now and then I would have the nerve to ask a girl for a slow dance. It's just my dad and I now. My mom passed away and so I have been looking for someone to spend my life with. Someone recently what I wanted from life.....I said "to be normal". They asked "what is normal to you??" I said "a nice house, a beautiful wife, two children - son and daughter, maybe a side by side UTV, and not the constant worry that I am a complete and utter failure".
  11. I definitely understand what you are going through.....all of my friends don't check up on me. Only my father and a couple of cousins along with some people I work with actually seem to give a damn.
  12. Hello all, it's been a while since I came here and I wanted to get some things off my chest. 1st - I have always been shy, especially around women. Girls in middle school and high school found me awkward, and as much as I would love to ask them out, I never worked up the courage to do so. I even missed out on my own prom because I couldn't work up the courage to ask anyone. As I have gotten older, I have been a little more outgoing and I have asked a couple of ladies out on a date, but I felt so weird that I had no clue what I was doing and to be honest, I think I made a fool of myself. That changed when I began working at a hospital. When I was working at the hospital, I met a young lady whom I will call Teri. Teri and I couldn't have been more different, she is African American (although she would say black since she said she has never been to Africa and has no desire to go), has children, and lived in the inner-city at that time. Me, white, lived in the suburbs, no kids, and was about 8 years younger than she was. Still we had a great time together. She was a very kind lady, but we broke up after my mother forbade me from seeing her with some racial undertones (which took me by surprise since she didn't utter any racial names or hinted towards that attitude), so we broke up and Teri transferred to a different hospital that was closer to her home and also included a pay increase. I haven't seen her since. the next lady I met was a gal I will call Tatiana. Tatiana and I worked in the same department. she was two years younger than me, no kids, white, and had a great figure. We seem to hit it off, but she thought that working in a hospital was dangerous, so she switched jobs working for an insurance company as an executive assistant or something like that. Weird thing was is started calling me at the hospital when I was there and we would talk for 30-60 minutes or more. Finally I worked up the courage to ask her out on a date and she accepted.....we went out and had a good time and we ended up dating and finally I proposed to her, which she accepted. We moved in to an apartment together and then about two months later, we broke up. I moved out, took my belongings. I was so sad......about 8 months later, I was in a very, very, very dark place and contemplated taking my own life. Since I am typing this, you know that didn't happen. About a year later, I went and posted a dating ad online and finally met and started conversing with a very nice lady, whom I will call Amanda who had recently moved out and was in the process of getting a divorce from her husband. To make a long story short, we were engaged and then married for almost 3 years. We drifted apart and divorced....that was 13 years ago. Two years ago I had a rather scary situation and there was possible that I had cancer. I went through tests, a colonoscopy, and various scans. Fortunately everything turned out fine, but what I learned was that time is extremely precious and when you are presented the opportunity to express your feelings to someone you care about, do it. Don't hold it back. Tonight, I did that. I gave a very lovely lady a poem that I put in decorative card. She read it, partially, and seemed to be genuinely touched that I did that and she said that she isn't used to receiving cards with poems. I have only done this twice before, given a poem to a lady I care about. To my ex-wife (Amanda) and my ex-fiance (Tatiana)...... I can only say I have 50%/50% chance with her saying yes, but if I didn't give her the card and poem, then it would have been a 100% no. Even if she says no, at least I took the chance and then I would at least ask her to be friends.
  13. ok...so I guess not everyone hates me....I apologize....It's been just so stressful as of late and due to COVID-19 health concerns, my personal interaction with the few people in my life has been even more reduced.
  14. thank you.....I was going to write more, but a couple of things. 1 - it was late and I was very, very tired. 2 - I've been having problems posting on here as late and I didn't want to go too detailed only to have a "404 Error".... Instead of posting because of the error I vented my frustrations into sort of a personal digital journal. I also forgot to mention that I live in Minneapolis in the middle of "riot central".... as you can imagine, I have been on edge.
  15. Hello everyone....it's been a while posting....COVID sucks.....work continues to drive me up a wall.....still not happy with my chosen profession and I have a feeling that everyone hates me.....what did I do to deserve this??
  16. I don't get out and socialize much. My weekly routine is so set, one could almost set their watch by it. Monday - Friday I go to work, same time start - same time ending. I go to Buffalo Wild Wings on Saturdays, I go to my dad on Sundays....cycle repeats. Every now and then I will go "astray" and do something different, like the auto show or an outdoorsman show (you know, fishing, hunting, side - x - side vehicles, etc. But thanks to this COVID virus causing such a fuss, everything is canceled...I can't unwind like I normally do. Today at work, it came to a head. I wasn't feeling great to begin with and as soon as I walk in, I am immediately barked at by my boss for no reason....it got so bad I stood there for a minute and contemplated quitting right then and there.....throwing my company ID, my keys, my company computer on the desk and just walk out.....I didn't but I thought about it. I'm tired of the abuse...I am tired of being harped on all the damned time while others slack off without a care in the world. Later in the day I had a panic attack. Sorry...just needed to vent.
  17. So it's two weeks since the 1st of 2020 and my ex hasn't contacted me in over a month.....find it rather upsetting. I am so lonely....Christmas was less than spectacular....I didn't receive any presents....made me feel soooo wanted (sarcasm).
  18. It seemed that they were in a tougher spot than me, so it felt right to me. Call it fate, call it karma, call it a test from God, I don't know......I just think that sometimes whatever you put out, you get back....so I am hoping that one day, someone shows me the same kindness when I need it.
  19. So....one last holiday update.... It's December 31st, about 20 minutes to midnight and ringing in 2020. I am really hoping for a better year in 2020.... So how did my Christmas go you ask? Well I saw a movie (Star Wars) and aided an out-town couple who were lost. Saturday I was supposed to go to my cousin's house and meet up with my extended family, only to be prevented by doing so due to the weather...it was causing people to spin out and the state's Dept. of Transportation issued a "no travel" advisory. If you are wondering....no....I didn't receive any presents this year.....not even coal...
  20. Well it is 12/26 and I survived another Christmas. I guess I will tell you about my day. From midnight to 4 am, I was playing PC video games. I crawled into bed around 4:30 and then slept until 12 noon. After waking up, I took a shower, got dressed, and then went to visit my dad who lives about 20 minutes away. I brought him a gift card for Best Buy for Christmas.....he felt bad because he told me I didn't need to get him anything...but I wanted to. Since my mom passed, in 2017, neither my dad or I have put a Christmas tree. After spending some time with my dad, I went to see Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker. It was my second time seeing it, but I enjoyed it just the same. After exiting the theater, two people stopped me and asked where a banquet hall was in relation to the theater. They claimed they were from Chicago, had arrived earlier in the day and their phone died and didn't have a way to recharge it at the moment. I asked for the address and I looked it up for them and it was about 6-7 blocks away. They asked if it would be too much trouble to drive them there....they handed me $10.00 to take them. Since it wasn't out of my way, I agreed and I drove them to the destination........I don't make it a habit to pick up strangers and drive them somewhere, but since they gave me money, I figured I was an impromptu Uber. The drive took less than 5 minutes and when we arrived, some of their family, including one of their older kids came up and hugged them. I gave them the $10.00 back and told them that they needed it more than me, so they shook my hand and wished me a Merry Christmas and I told them the same. After that, I came home and jumped online and watched a few movies at home.
  21. Things continue with just feeling "meh". I keep hearing from friends and co-workers about what presents they are giving....what presents they are hoping to receive....etc. It makes me feel kind of down....I don't receive many presents.....I received 10 dollars from work that was in a birthday card my co-workers gave me. My dad gave me a gift card to my favorite restaurant. I don't expect Christmas to be any different.....maybe I am being selfish....it at least means someone gives a damn about me....Enough to show that someone cares.
  22. Thank you all for your comments. I found, I don't know the word, contentment??? that doesn't sound right either. I am tired....tired of loss...tired of losing.....Losing my wife to divorce....losing my mom....losing my girlfriend (even though she treated me harshly....more like a wallet than anything), tired of losing out on jobs that I really want and I am really qualified for.....I wish I could take a break for a month or two....just to try and de-stress myself.....
  23. Hi everyone, today is my birthday and I am feeling kinda "meh". Not too extremely happy.....not too "oh woe is me" either. My family and I had a tradition....on our birthdays we would go to the restaurant of the birthday's choice and have dinner. My mom always chose either Olive Garden or Red Lobster, my dad wanted to go to a local family owned restaurant, I guess it is considered a chain since they have 4 or 5 establishments, but all owned by the same family. I always chose a steak place like Outback or Texas Roadhouse. in 2016 we didn't go out for my birthday....it was too cold and my mom and dad didn't want to leave....not a problem and they said they would make it up later. We never did. In 2017 we didn't go out because my mom passed away in August and so it was just my dad and I and we just had a pizza. In 2018 my dad and I didn't go out because I had a colonoscopy earlier that day.....yes....a colonoscopy on my birthday....(everything checked out fine btw if you were curious). Today I left work early and decided to purchase my own steak dinner.....I guess you have to sometimes do things yourself, right? I guess I am feeling "meh" because I miss birthdays of years past with my parents and girlfriend and I. Now no girlfriend or wife, mother has passed away and my dad didn't want to go out. Of course those are the good birthdays.....one horrible birthday I had was when I invited 15-16 friends....we were going to go to Chuck E. Cheese.....only no one came...i stopped inviting friends to birthdays....
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