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About Maxx55

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  • Birthday 12/13/1975

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  1. Hello everyone. I am feeling down at the moment so some of what I am going to write might make sense. It's been about a week and a half since my last posting. My lady/significant other (whatever term you care to use) had her knee ablation procedure and seems happier because of it. The day of and day after that procedure she sent me a text and was very polite to me when she asked for help, including please and thank you. No money or anything, just to help her around the house. Because of the pain medication she was given she was more or less sedated because of it. So I helped out with laundry, made dinner, made sure the kids behaved and that they took their baths, brushed their teeth and then made sure they went to bed all while their mom slept. Tomorrow she is having her hysterectomy. I don't know why, but I am scared for her and she did admit that she's a little nervous about it. When I asked she said of the lifting restrictions, the pain, and that she might feel less that a woman because she won't have her plumbing anymore. She told me that I could visit her at the hospital if I wanted to. Part of me wants to go, part of me doesn't. She said her mom & dad are going to be there and she said she would call or text me since she doesn't want me to be around her parents....I don't know why....they know me...a little. I looked up codependent online and I saw some descriptions that apply to me. intense and unstable interpersonal relationships chronic feelings of boredom and emptiness subordinating one's own needs to those of the person with whom one is involved overwhelming desire for acceptance and affection perfectionism low self-worth Thank you for letting me ramble. Oh and to top it off, it's Father's Day....unfortunately I am not a dad..but want to be.
  2. Hi everyone.... Its been a little bit since my last post. I checked myself into the mental health services of my hospital and I was inpatient care. Things came to a boiling point and I lashed out, verbally. I felt extremely saddened by all of my failures whether real or imagined. It just came out....my work, any meaningful relationship with a girl. Just seemed like no matter what I do...,it’s never good enough. It’s like BB King’s song “How Blue can you Get? “I gave you a brand new Ford, you said 'I want a Cadillac' I bought you a ten dollar dinner, you said 'Thanks for the snack' I let you live in my penthouse, you said it was just a shack” I’m seeing a therapist now....fingers crossed.
  3. Hello all.....earlier today I received several text messages from the ex......I did not respond. Felt really low...I reached out to the suicidepreventionlifeline.org chat line and chatted with a counselor. Feelings of not being good enough etc. Thinking that I am going to seek out a counselor.
  4. It's just makes me feel like a failure in meeting a significant other.....my wife left me, the one I've written about isn't treating me very kindly, only had two other girlfriends before that.......I have no children....only one parent living....no siblings.....Who's going to grow old with me? Who's going to take care of me when I no longer can? Who's going to visit me in my old age....if I make it to old age?? I've been on dating sites with minimal success....actually no success....it seems like this is my last chance.
  5. Good question, but yes I do believe her. I was/am supposed to take her to her follow up mammography appointment on Tuesday. I also saw her paperwork from her OB/GYN visit, so yes. I don't doubt her sincerity.
  6. Hello everyone..... I have a friend? Girlfriend?? Ex-fiancé??? friend with benefits??? Not really sure what to call her. For the last ten or so years I’ve been helping out financially a lady. Every now and then she wanted something physical as well if you catch my drift. Part of the annoyance is if I have plans for a day, she might call or text and basically demand I drop whatever I am doing to help her. Today was such a day. She wanted quarters for laundry and for me to do the laundry for her. I brought her quarters but declined to do laundry because well, I have my own laundry to do. Plus she has a 16 yo son and 13 yo daughter. She claims that because her son was diagnosed with ADHD, that precludes him from working the wash. She’s having additional stress. She was hit by a car a year ago, broke her knee. Her knee is structurally sound but the nerves are all wacky so she’s going to have nerve ablation. On top of that she’s going to have a hysterectomy and one ovary removed next month. Last week she had her first mammogram ever and a few days later they called her to come back in for additional images. i want to help but at the same time she treats me like I’m a wallet and not much else. Im at my wits end and I don’t know what to think anymore.
  7. Thank you everyone. Im in a funk right now and I’m not enjoying life I I see others doing. I’m fat. I’ll admit it. Part of my problem is yes I’ve been dabbling in self harm (I realize that now). Not by cutting or anything violent, but self-harm through eating. I guess I can blame my mom a little bit and the things she did. Example “ you took the food so you are going to eat the whole thing. I don’t care if you’re full.” And other mom things. I then became an emotional eater after my first real break up from a girl. Emotional pain hurt so much, I drowned it out through food.....good wouldn’t judge me....just like my cats no judgement, just caring purrs. i still remember when my wife left..didn’t eat for two days.......medicated myself with Xanax and laid in bed. Im so broken
  8. Well my two years of bad luck continues....ugh..must be cursed or something. Mom passed away August 2017, pet cat Tiger passed away in November 2018, pet cat Pumpkin passed away April 1st, 2019. That and continuing to deal with other personal issues as well (see my other posts..don't feel like repeating myself right now). I need a vacation. p.s. - anyone know how to lose weight? Tried going to a gym only to get laughed at by some of the gym rats there...did not help my confidence or self-esteem at all.
  9. Hello all. As I mentioned I have started to apply for other jobs. Things are not very positive for me right now. Really struggling to maintain a positive attitude.... Clippedwings - you mentioned that perhaps I should be a security guard. Unfortunately that’s what I already do. Have been for a long time. Bottom line I’m tired of it, yet I know nothing other than this. I took a security guard job so I could gain experience working with the public, responding to emergencies like fire alarms and medicals, but all I am is treated as a “wannabe” by those in the field and a “too police-y” by the powers that be. The people who come up for help isn’t really “legitimate” as far as I’m concerned. It’s not to escort someone, or confront a person who isn’t supposed to be in the building. It’s stupid stuff like not being able to find their car or to give them a temporary access badge for the day, simply because they don’t care and no one will hold them accountable. I guess the main reason I’m bummed out is because I received a reply from an out of state center about my training and if it was good enough for them. Short answer was “no...not good enough”, which my brain translates into them saying “you’re not good enough so don’t bother”. i don’t know...with the lack of success I feel like an old abused hound dog that no one cares for anymore. ps I’m sorry if this post upsets anyone
  10. True. Two things I left out. 1 - very wary of online dating as I was scammed out some money (should have known better). 2 - I’ve started applying to new jobs to try and get myself out of my unhappy and deadens job.
  11. Thank you....I guess this is just me venting. Feeling as if I haven't achieved something truly worthwhile and meant something. Is this just self-pity??? I don't know.
  12. I....I'm a little taken back. I don't really have the proper words to form a response. Part of me is venting....I guess when you feel you hit rock bottom....there is nothing but up. Thank you for your words, although I feel that I am not worthy of them.
  13. Hi everyone, I feel like had an epiphany and finally figured out what’s wrong with me....I’m a loser...allow me to explain. Ive never been a popular person. Back in school I spent more time sitting from afar because I wasn’t part of the “cool” crowd. I wanted to be on the football and hockey teams. Did I make it? Nope, cut after tryouts. Oh was some what athletic, marched in the high school marching band playing a big, heavy tuba. after high school, I wanted to be a police officer. Never did. Why? Well here’s that story. In order to be a law enforcement officer in my state you need to have a letter from the state board saying you can. In order to get that letter, you have to go to college an earn a criminal justice degree. Once you have your degree, you take the state mandated test, and if you pass, you receive this letter. Oh, and the letter has a three year expiration date on it. If you don’t get a cop job after three years, you have to take the test over again. So ive taken the test a couple of times, applied to about 130 different departments and NONE of them offered me a law enforcement officer position. So so what can I do with my degree? Well how about security management. Sure, sounds simple enough and would be a guarantee to move up, but oh no, it’s not that simple. When the promotion is announced and you think with a criminal justice degree and three years seniority you are a perfect fit, the hiring manager pulls the rug out from you and gives the job to a person who has no experience in security, no relative college degree, and never even thought about being in security the world, and doesn’t even possess the skills listed as “requirements” on the job posting. Thats my professional/job related thing. My personal life is this. Dating life in high school was non-existent. Only girlfriend cheated on me with a guy in the senior class. Didnt date in college. Started dating after college. Met a girl, dated her. Proposed, she accepted, we moved in to an apartment together. Month and a half later she cheats on me then demands that I vacate the apartment...so I take my stuff and leave. A year later, meet a new girl, start dating. Get engaged and we move in together. Get married and after two and a half years later, we divorced. Only been on three dates since then (3 dates in 5 years) So what do you think?
  14. Well the last two months have been interesting to say the least. On November 8th my kitty cat that I have had for 13 years, Tiger, passed away. On December 13th (my birthday), I went in and had a colonoscopy....what a fun thing to do on one's birthday, right? I got the results back...fortunately no cancer, but they found inflammation. I guess that's my present. Then Christmas and New Years came and went.....
  15. Just got home....I know right now people are celebrating 2019 in New York and singing New York, New York and Auld Lang Syne and kissing their significant other. I guess it doesn't really help either that my now ex-wife also left me at this time.....NYE 2007..... Ugh I know I shouldn't torture myself but it's difficult not to think about and I also think it makes me have trust issues. 😢
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