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About Maxx55

  • Birthday 12/13/1975

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  1. Hello everyone.....sorry for bringing up an old topic. So what has happened in since I posted on 07/14/2021??? Well let's see. 7/30/21ish - Shortly after she had her temper tantrum, she called a about 1 week or two later....wanted to apologize and say it would never happen again. September - through October 2021 - got along fairly well. No temper tantrums. November 2021 - Ask me for $$$ to help pay for food for Thanksgiving celebration with her family....I wasn't invited and I didn't show. December 2021 - She was low on $$$ and asked for $$$ so that she and her kids could have a good Christmas. After totaling everything up, over $2100.00 was given to her. Later found out that she bought presents for me, her, her two kids, her mom, her dad, her brother, her sister, her close friend from high school, and her nieces and nephews. December 25th, we drove out and looked at Christmas light decorations on peoples homes. Actually felt like we were a family. December 31st 2021- January 1st 2022 - I paid for food for a NYE party that she was hosting. I was invited this time and chose to go. It was ok. January 1st 2022 - June 2022 - Nothing much - but paid $100.00 to have her pet cat spayed. July 4th 2022 - another family like outing for the holiday. Found a nice spot to watch fireworks. July - November - Doing ok - not much in asking for $$$. She still hasn't paid back the amount from Christmas. She has grown frustrated in her job and is now asking me to fill out job applications for her. Applied to over 100 jobs for her using the quick "apply now" function in Indeed.com. I am growing frustrated, not only for my own career outlook but also because a lot of the jobs she interviews for, she gets offers but turns down the job. Mid-October - she leaves her job for a new one. She also is invited to travel with her "friend" to Las Vegas for a weekend, she asks me to check in on her two cats while she is away. November - she finds and accepts a new job at a new company working in Customer Service. Three weeks later she loses the job because she keeps messing up. December - she's unemployed and has been making more and more demands me for $$$. Christmas times comes around again and she is asking me for Christmas present $$$ and denies that I gave her $2100 a year earlier. I give her $950.00 for food and gifts....apparently I am her primary money income. Christmas comes and goes. January 1st, no party goes to her "friend's" house. Same friend that she went to Vegas with. Mid January - she finally accepts two jobs. (Thank God) but she also filed for unemployment assistance, food assistance, rent and utility assistance. Today (1/23/23) - she throws another temper tantrum because I wouldn't pay over $250.00 for car and renter insurance for her. She says she is done with me and "will never ask anything of me again" (this is about the 12 time I have heard that). I swear that if I win $50k in the lottery, she would demand all of the winnings + $5k more. So - how are you all doing?? Me.....other than being told (by her) I was a middle aged loser and will die childless, wifeless, and alone.....I am doing just fine . As I get older I have found that I miss doing things I used to do when I was a teen. Example, backpacking and camping in the middle of no where with just you and mother nature. One thing that I would really like to have is a side x side UTV - like a Polaris General. Drive into the woods, camp for a few days, drive back out and go home. Sadly I don't know where to begin. I like music and there are two songs that come to mind for what I have been going through. First one is from B.B. King - "Downhearted". "I gave you a brand-new Ford But you said, "I want a Cadillac" I bought you a ten dollar dinner And you said, "Thanks for the snack" I let you live in my pent house You said, "It was just a shack" The second is I Dreamed A Dream from the musical Les Miserables "I dreamed a dream in times gone by When hope was high and life worth living I dreamed, that love would never die I dreamed that God would be forgiving Then I was young and unafraid And dreams were made and used and wasted There was no ransom to be paid No song unsung, no wine untasted But the tigers come at night With their voices soft as thunder As they tear your hope apart As they turn your dream to shame And still I dream she'll come to me That we will live the years together But there are dreams that cannot be And there are storms we cannot weather I had a dream my life would be So different from this hell I'm living So different now from what it seemed Now life has killed the dream I dreamed."
  2. It's been a couple of weeks but I am glad that the holidays are over....Christmas is over....New Years is over.....I can try and get back to somewhat of a normal....if not pathetic version of normal. I don't know about anyone else but I didn't receive any presents....nothing for my birthday and nothing for Christmas. Only things I got was a birthday card signed by co-workers and several of those "family photo holiday cards".... I am sure you know what I am referring to. About the only gift I received was one that I got for myself.....a new computer keyboard... It's a gaming keyboard from Corsair....the kind that lights up. I needed a new one because my old one died on me when I accidently spilled water on it and shorted it out.
  3. I am having a bad day and in a sad mood all day. It's my birthday. It's a day I should be celebrating and having a good time and enjoying life. Instead, I just got done crying for 10 minutes because I just felt worthless and a failiure. I am not happy..... I'm not happy with my job, so I apply for promotions....except I am turned down....constantly turned down. Because I am not happy in my job and can't get a promotion, so I apply with a new company. I apply, I interview, I am turned down. I am not happy because I had a wife, but got divorced. So I started trying to date. Last date lasted only an hour and I was told "you are loser and you will die a loser". I tried to cheer myself up...I turned on some music....only to break down crying.
  4. So about a month and a half ago I applied and interviewed for a position for a new job. I thought I completely screwed up the interview and I had zero chance and so I relegated to the fact that I wouldn't get the role. Imagine my surprise when I received an email asking me back for a second interview. I went and again, I thought I did terribly. I was again shocked that they wanted to conduct a pre-employment interview. But since I felt I had zero chance, I again relegated to the idea that I am not good enough and this was just some mistake. I received a conditional job offer today, but I have to have a pre-employment physical and psychological exam. Part of me is excited but at the same time, I have seriously freaking out.. I have been in the same job for 15 years and I guess I am more or less comfortable where I am at. I don't know what to do and I am not sure if I can handle the stress.
  5. I just "celebrated" my birthday yesterday and I tried to make the best of it. I was surprised last week when some of my so called "friends" wanted to take me out for my birthday to my favorite restaurant. Now I should admit, I wasn't expecting very much...I wasn't expecting a large amount of lavish gifts or anything so my expectations were fairly low. Apparently even what expectations I had were too high. I arrived at the restaurant just a little bit before our scheduled time of 8pm. No one else had arrived yet, so I figured no big deal...I just arrived before everyone else. So I waited.....I waited some more with some concern. After 30 minutes of no one showing up, I began calling and texting people who had told me that they were going to attend. No answer and no response to my texts. After an hour and half of waiting, I called it quits. I ordered some food to go and I went home and watched a movie. I feel like the autistic kid who invited his who class to Chuck E Cheese and no one showed up... The only birthday cake I had was a free one I received from a national chain of cake restaurants. They make mini Bundt cakes. I guess you would consider me a old fashioned, good natured, kind hearted victim. I believe in the kindness of people and I help people when I can, only to be taken advantaged of over and over. God I could use a hug.
  6. thank you for your responses...... I don't know what it is.......burn out??? I take responsibility for everything thrown at me. Caring for my mother, yep no problem. Acting as the family spokesperson and working with the hospital while my mother is dying in their ICU due to a massive stroke - sure thing, I was the proverbial Vulcan...all logic, no emotion. Turned into a sobbing mess in my vehicle though. Divorce...yep..all my problem....no happy wife, no happy life, You want x, y, & z done at work? No problem I gave you W, X, Y, & Z there boss. While everyone in college was out partying it up and having a real good time, I was at home studying. While everyone was at home studying, I was at work supporting myself. While the males in my college classes were dating the females, I was home alone. No females wanted to date me. While other guys in my dorm where engaging in romantic activities and you could hear them with their female companions in the throws of passions, I was on my computer quietly playing a video game and trying not to cry, pretending that it doesn't hurt to be alone. I am that guy who is in the "friends zone".....you know the one who you like to be around, hang out with, but won't date?? I am in many "friends zone". A female friend who is drunk and throwing up....I'd be the guy holding her hair so it doesn't get vomit all over it. You harassing my female friends.....I'm the one who steps in and stops it....I am the shy, "great guy"..... I was asked. "what do you want in life?" I'd like to have a house...3-4 bedrooms, 2-4 bath, split entry, 3 car garage. Things that were considered "standard" where I live. Instead I rent an apartment. I'd like to have a dog and cat to keep me company. I'd also like to have a better job where I feel like I am respected instead of peed on all of the time.
  7. hello. i barely post here anymore because i feel like no one cares. i had an employee review today at work and well it didn't surprise me in the least........i explained my feelings and thoughts and how i felt i was in a catch-22. i want to get promoted to a manger position but since i have been doing interviews outside of the company, their response is "well, why should we promote you when you are looking elsewere?" well today i fired back and said that isn't the question you should be asking. i said "why haven't you take the time promote me? the company's lack of gratitude for all of the hard word, dedication, and leadership I have given over the last 14 years hasn't paid off for me. others have benefited from my expertise and reaped the benefits, but not me....and you have the nerve to ask why I am looking outside of the company." it may cost me my job....but at this rate i really don't care....i'd rather go drive a semi-truck across the country at this point......only time i find peace is when I am alone.....i guess that makes me a weirdo.....fine....whatever...don't care what other people think.
  8. I would agree with that in some degree, but in other locations I have never had it this bad nor have to deal with so many people who couldn't give a rat's behind...and I am talking about not only co-workers but also management. So to give you an example. When say a government organization....let's take a fire department for example. You have an opening for a Fire Chief and it has in the job description some requirements...requirements are A, B, C, D, etc. The organization goes through the hiring process and decides on the next fire chief. The next fire chief already works for the City in the Park & Recreation dept. and only go the job because they were friends with the hiring manager. The person was promoted into a role they had no idea what to do, no business being there, and acts like a know it all but the results show he's incompetent in that role. Meanwhile the Lt. who had all the requirements and years of experience doesn't get the position that they were qualified for.
  9. Ugh....it never ends. Well I finally decided to reward myself with a little vacation. Only been four years since I had any significant time since I had a week off, but that wasn't much fun because I was dealing with my mother's funeral and funeral arrangements. Anyway, I come back from vacation and I was just dreading to go back to the office. I ended up getting a final written warning for a policy violation. Like OMG!!! The way disciplinary actions are supposed to go is if you have a problem with another employee, you are supposed to go to your supervisor or the person's supervisor and make a complaint. The person's supervisor is then supposed to take action....verbal warning, written warning, etc. Instead the person or persons who complained about me when right to HR's reporting line so they knew that HR would investigate instead of supervisors. So first day back from vacation I was almost fired. I can't win.
  10. Hello everyone....I think I am in an abusive relationship. The closest thing I have to a significant other is a 45 year old woman who is my former fiancée from about 15 years ago. She has two children both in their teens. She is always asking me for things. Money usually, but then sometimes rides for her and her kids to the store or other location. Last Friday she requested my help for her apartment complex. She's the caretaker of a single building - 12 unit apartment complex and wanted to trim bushes and trees....a lot of work. I bought a used saw from Craigslist and on Sunday we began work at 9:00. By 1 pm we had a large pile of branches. Personally I felt it was the responsibility of the landlord (not her) to take care of such issues, but he's more or less a slum lord - hardly fixing problems on site, no lawn or grounds maintenance, nothing. Anyway, she has this habit of calling or texting me. Now if I don't reply back with in a minute or two, she throws an absolute temper tantrum and says she never wants to see or talk to me again and blah blah blah....I know I should just block her and let her fend for herself. But I hate to say it, I love her. I am 45 years old too and I feel this is the closest I will ever come to having a family of my own. My ex-wife couldn't have children as she had a hysterectomy when we were engaged. I've tried dating but no women want to date me, I am always "friends". It's affecting my mind too....I have even started to hurt myself by cutting on my upper arms. Don't I deserve to be happy??? I don't know what to do. I really don't know what to do.
  11. Ugh, I am not sure why it is my life is this way but it is. I consider myself a fairly well educated man. I have a college degree in criminal justice, I work hard, I have been at the same employer for 14 years and still I feel like junk. I see other people get promoted over me who ask me for advice, which I give, and then they turn around and present the advice I have given them as their own brilliant ideas that they came up with. They get bumped up to another position and the reap the benefits of my hard work. Oh, and these people who get promoted don't bother thanking me....the pretend that I don't exist....they belittle me in private and in front of others. I have tried to get a new job, I apply, I interview, and then nothing....I get nothing but a "thank you for your interest in our organization but we have chosen other candidates that more closely fit our needs. I am just so tired.
  12. It's my birthday today and I can say at this time, I am so over birthdays I am trying to not let bother me anymore. The days of birthday parties, birthday cakes, and presents are over. Sure I get a lot of messages from my friends and family on social media, but that's it. I haven't received a birthday present since 2015. 2016, my own mother forgot my birthday....that hurt. 2017, mom had passed away in August so she wasn't around. 2018 and 2019 it was just my dad and I. We had dinner at his house, like we normally do, but nothing really special. 2020 with all of the COVID-19 and our governor banning in-room dining I wasn't expecting much. It turned out to be a little better because my dad made one of my favorite meals, but doesn't take too much to prep. Beef pot roast with onions, potatoes, carrots, beef broth and cooked in a crockpot. I guess I will need to give myself my own presents from now on. Side note - I think my dad is suffering from depression too. It's been 3 years since my mom passed and he told me tonight that he feels lonely and asked if I had ever felt the same (all the time dad). Then he is greeted by the kitty that I got for him after our other two cats passed away (2018 & 2019).
  13. hi everyone....earlier this week I had my employee review with my bosses and I had to bite my tongue to keep from going into tears. Good news is my boss says that I am doing a great job and upper management is pleased with my current work performance, but they get a sense that I am unhappy or not challenged enough or that "something is off". They know about my lady friend who moved back to the east coast, whom I have been communicating with through email, but I guess there are concerns about me. Bosses know that I have been interviewing outside of the company and while they are not thrilled to see me leave because of my expertise, the are supportive in trying to make me happy. My boss asked me point blank....."What makes you happy?".....all I did was just look back at him and didn't answer. What makes me happy???? nothing really.....I can only think of only one thing.....my lady friend who is back east who would just hold my hand and spend time with me. I am very lonely....I don't have many friends.....most friends have left me to be with their own families and activities.....it's like I don't really exist anymore. I've resisted the comfort I usually go to.....which is food. When I go to comfort food, it's helps....kinda....food doesn't judge me or make jokes at my expense....but I resist it's pull thus far.
  14. So I wanted to follow up - the lady whom I will call Holly - finally read my whole poem. Why do I know that? Well, she called me and we talked on the phone. She expressed her appreciation and the thoughts I put to paper, and she was honest enough with me to say that she wished I had asked sooner as she would have said yes. Unfortunately it was very, very bad timing on my part because she had already decided not to renew her lease at her apartment and was heading back home (which is states away) to spend time with her parents. It's my understanding that her father is in poor health. She was concerned that I wouldn't understand, but I told her I did. The last night I saw her, I brought her a small present. It was necklace with a heart pendant. This pendant had some diamonds in there, but it didn't cost me a fortune and it was very pretty. When I gave it to her, she was shocked and was completely in awe. She was so very appreciative and gave me a very big hug and a kiss on the cheek. She thought it was so beautiful and she started to tear up. She called me a few days later and told me that she was home with her parents and she even introduced me to them through Facetime as a "dear friend". A while later she said that she wasn't sure if she would come back, but she now knows that someone is here and cares for her....so her return is almost certain....more of "when" not "if".
  15. Hello everyone - I thought I would follow up with my previous post. I saw there were over 50 views, but no comments and when I wrote it, I was very tired....I guess that is a lesson....don't make posts when you are suffering from a lack of sleep. I guess with my previous post, I was trying to convey how terrified I am at the prospect of being alone. I've spent most of my time alone....no brothers or sisters....only a few pets. No girlfriend in Jr. High School, High School, or college....well I had female friends, but nothing romantic. You know, when I went to school dances, I was always the kid who ended up sitting in the dark corner of the gymnasium where the dance was being held, pretending to look interested in the lines painted on the gym floor....every now and then I would have the nerve to ask a girl for a slow dance. It's just my dad and I now. My mom passed away and so I have been looking for someone to spend my life with. Someone recently what I wanted from life.....I said "to be normal". They asked "what is normal to you??" I said "a nice house, a beautiful wife, two children - son and daughter, maybe a side by side UTV, and not the constant worry that I am a complete and utter failure".
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