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About Maxx55

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  • Birthday 12/13/1975

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  1. Thank you everyone. Im in a funk right now and I’m not enjoying life I I see others doing. I’m fat. I’ll admit it. Part of my problem is yes I’ve been dabbling in self harm (I realize that now). Not by cutting or anything violent, but self-harm through eating. I guess I can blame my mom a little bit and the things she did. Example “ you took the food so you are going to eat the whole thing. I don’t care if you’re full.” And other mom things. I then became an emotional eater after my first real break up from a girl. Emotional pain hurt so much, I drowned it out through food.....good wouldn’t judge me....just like my cats no judgement, just caring purrs. i still remember when my wife left..didn’t eat for two days.......medicated myself with Xanax and laid in bed. Im so broken
  2. Well my two years of bad luck continues....ugh..must be cursed or something. Mom passed away August 2017, pet cat Tiger passed away in November 2018, pet cat Pumpkin passed away April 1st, 2019. That and continuing to deal with other personal issues as well (see my other posts..don't feel like repeating myself right now). I need a vacation. p.s. - anyone know how to lose weight? Tried going to a gym only to get laughed at by some of the gym rats there...did not help my confidence or self-esteem at all.
  3. Hello all. As I mentioned I have started to apply for other jobs. Things are not very positive for me right now. Really struggling to maintain a positive attitude.... Clippedwings - you mentioned that perhaps I should be a security guard. Unfortunately that’s what I already do. Have been for a long time. Bottom line I’m tired of it, yet I know nothing other than this. I took a security guard job so I could gain experience working with the public, responding to emergencies like fire alarms and medicals, but all I am is treated as a “wannabe” by those in the field and a “too police-y” by the powers that be. The people who come up for help isn’t really “legitimate” as far as I’m concerned. It’s not to escort someone, or confront a person who isn’t supposed to be in the building. It’s stupid stuff like not being able to find their car or to give them a temporary access badge for the day, simply because they don’t care and no one will hold them accountable. I guess the main reason I’m bummed out is because I received a reply from an out of state center about my training and if it was good enough for them. Short answer was “no...not good enough”, which my brain translates into them saying “you’re not good enough so don’t bother”. i don’t know...with the lack of success I feel like an old abused hound dog that no one cares for anymore. ps I’m sorry if this post upsets anyone
  4. True. Two things I left out. 1 - very wary of online dating as I was scammed out some money (should have known better). 2 - I’ve started applying to new jobs to try and get myself out of my unhappy and deadens job.
  5. Thank you....I guess this is just me venting. Feeling as if I haven't achieved something truly worthwhile and meant something. Is this just self-pity??? I don't know.
  6. I....I'm a little taken back. I don't really have the proper words to form a response. Part of me is venting....I guess when you feel you hit rock bottom....there is nothing but up. Thank you for your words, although I feel that I am not worthy of them.
  7. Hi everyone, I feel like had an epiphany and finally figured out what’s wrong with me....I’m a loser...allow me to explain. Ive never been a popular person. Back in school I spent more time sitting from afar because I wasn’t part of the “cool” crowd. I wanted to be on the football and hockey teams. Did I make it? Nope, cut after tryouts. Oh was some what athletic, marched in the high school marching band playing a big, heavy tuba. after high school, I wanted to be a police officer. Never did. Why? Well here’s that story. In order to be a law enforcement officer in my state you need to have a letter from the state board saying you can. In order to get that letter, you have to go to college an earn a criminal justice degree. Once you have your degree, you take the state mandated test, and if you pass, you receive this letter. Oh, and the letter has a three year expiration date on it. If you don’t get a cop job after three years, you have to take the test over again. So ive taken the test a couple of times, applied to about 130 different departments and NONE of them offered me a law enforcement officer position. So so what can I do with my degree? Well how about security management. Sure, sounds simple enough and would be a guarantee to move up, but oh no, it’s not that simple. When the promotion is announced and you think with a criminal justice degree and three years seniority you are a perfect fit, the hiring manager pulls the rug out from you and gives the job to a person who has no experience in security, no relative college degree, and never even thought about being in security the world, and doesn’t even possess the skills listed as “requirements” on the job posting. Thats my professional/job related thing. My personal life is this. Dating life in high school was non-existent. Only girlfriend cheated on me with a guy in the senior class. Didnt date in college. Started dating after college. Met a girl, dated her. Proposed, she accepted, we moved in to an apartment together. Month and a half later she cheats on me then demands that I vacate the apartment...so I take my stuff and leave. A year later, meet a new girl, start dating. Get engaged and we move in together. Get married and after two and a half years later, we divorced. Only been on three dates since then (3 dates in 5 years) So what do you think?
  8. Well the last two months have been interesting to say the least. On November 8th my kitty cat that I have had for 13 years, Tiger, passed away. On December 13th (my birthday), I went in and had a colonoscopy....what a fun thing to do on one's birthday, right? I got the results back...fortunately no cancer, but they found inflammation. I guess that's my present. Then Christmas and New Years came and went.....
  9. Just got home....I know right now people are celebrating 2019 in New York and singing New York, New York and Auld Lang Syne and kissing their significant other. I guess it doesn't really help either that my now ex-wife also left me at this time.....NYE 2007..... Ugh I know I shouldn't torture myself but it's difficult not to think about and I also think it makes me have trust issues. 😢
  10. Well it’s a week later and now it’s New Year’s and yes, I’m at work again. Still feel the same. I feel part part of it is due to work situation. I’m not happy with where I am in my supposed career. So much so that I’m looking at new jobs in a completely different state compared to where I live now. No, more like 6 hours away by car. I’m sure you have been asked “where do you see yourself in three years” well I’ve always said management. Manager, director you know something like that. Do I get help, oh no. No ideas on how to further my career..no help. New guy shows up. Manager bends over backwards to help the new guy. I ask for the same treatment...completely blown off, nothing but deafening silence. Promotional position to manager comes up. One that I had been waiting 7 years to open. I applied, interviewed and wasn’t selected. The new guy was promoted. When I asked why I wasn’t selected, the hiring person brought up all the stuff the new guy did (same stuff I had no response to) was used as justification not to promote me. Basically the new guy was selected and chosen to be promoted on day one regardless of what anyone else had to say. It’s stuff like this that sometimes makes me think “gee I really am a loser and there isn’t a damned thing I can do about it .”
  11. Hi All It’s 9:00 pm on Christmas Eve and I’m at work (oh horray). I feel numb and a bit sad. I’m 43, not married, no kids, I’m an only child so no brothers or sisters, I lost my mom to a stroke in August ‘17 and while my dad is still around, he doesn’t really want to do Christmas stuff like mom did. We’d go full out. Christmas tree, ornaments, tinsel, garland, we’d drive around to see decorations and lights at night. Now we he doesn’t...and neither do I. I have a tree I bought two years ago and it hasn’t been out of the box yet. my dad said he didn’t want anything for Christmas but I got him something we both could enjoy, a tabletop pool table. While i I see friends and coworkers out celebrating with their families, seeing the joy in the eyes of their kids as they got that perfect Christmas gift (you know, like that kid from A Christmas Story), me?? I’d be happy just not to be alone all the damned time. Oh and a month ago I lost my kitty cat. Can anyone relate?
  12. Thank you MLG. I hope this is allowed, I’m going to try to post a picture of my now fur angel.
  13. So for a little update... I've been reassigned to a different shift...I was working 7 am to 3:30 pm, but now I am working 1:30 pm to 10:00 pm.....and now my social life...what little I had....is completely shot. I hate it....I'm looking for new work elsewhere. Also, part of my therapy was talking, petting, and appreciating the presence of my pet kitty, Tiger. Unfortunately Tiger passed away on Thursday. She hadn't been eating since last Thursday, took her in to the Vet...they did some blood work that came back fine...she was brought in again for additional tests when her body temperature started to drop, her breathing became labored, and her pulse became weak. I had her for 13 years....she comforted me through a divorce and my mom's passing...curling up in my lap and purring....and a few mews as if to say "I'm here if you need me".
  14. I currently have a job, but as of late it has become very stressful for me. I'm having panic attacks and feelings of dread. I looked up on a medical hospital website because they have a position that is open that I am interested in but while there, I saw that they had "10 Sings that you or a loved one need mental help"..... 1. You’re having sleep problems. Research estimates up to 80 of people with depression report struggling with insomnia, or have early morning awakening, which is an often-overlooked but highly correlated sign, but highly correlated. If you’re having recurring nightmares or any other sleep disruptions—this one is a biggie that might point to anxiety or post-traumatic stress. 2. You experience a spontaneous change in appetite. Check in with yourself: Have you lost your appetite? Or are you eating much more than you usually do? Changes in appetite can be a sign of coping with excess stress. 3. Your moods have changed, change often, or not often enough. You could be experiencing lower mood than usual, or feeling blah more days than not. Be aware of swings in the other direction, too: There’s nothing wrong with being in a good mood, but if your moods are fueling any problematic decisions, or swinging drastically, it could be signs of a disorder. 4. You’re struggling with excessive fear. This can take the form of thoughts, worries, panic, and physiological body sensations of anxiety and fear. Ask yourself: Does your anxiety cause more stress than it helps cope with it? There’s a good sweet spot in managing anxiety, as the right amount of anxiety can motivate you, but benefits need to outweigh the costs. 5. You’re struggling with physical signs of stress. These clusters of symptoms vary from person to person. Stress can include general muscle tension, headaches, and upset stomach and GI distress. It can also worsen existing chronic medical conditions. Sometimes we communicate emotions and mental well-being through the body—this can be especially common in kids, but adults do it, too. 6. Your relationships are fraying. You might withdraw from social activities. You may feel disconnected. You may be finding yourself avoiding people and relationships that you normally value. You may feel guilty or ashamed about the disconnection, a sense of missing out, sadness, or loss. 7. You’re easily irritated. Irritability is commonly overlooked. You might be short with loved ones or have a hard time finding compassion. If you normally like helping people, but your reserves are tapped out, or you’re chronically cranky, argumentative, blaming, or unsympathetic to others—all point to a need for more support. 8. Your behavior is changing considerably. While it’s normal and fine to do things that bring you relief or pleasure—a glass of wine, shopping, surfing the web—too much of a good thing can impact you negatively. If it crosses the line from fun and leisure to escape of reality or stress, it’s time to talk to someone. 9. You’re struggling with your identity and purpose. This might also manifest as self-esteem issues, negative self-talk or self-image, or issues of body image. 10. You’re having trouble bouncing back. In general, humans are pretty resilient, but when we are having a hard time getting back up, or we are really worn down from having to get back up, that’s a sign that seeking help might be worthwhile. Out of these 10 signs - I think I have 8 of them...Only #'s 2 and #8 are absent..... I've been dealing with depression since high school....back then you didn't have "say no to bullying" as much as you do today....Back then it was "suck it up buttercup". I guess if you live long enough to be called a loser and worthless....you start to believe it.
  15. Hello everyone. Last week I had a health scare that seriously freaked me out. I’m 42 years old, divorced, no kids, only child, and the first anniversary of my mom’s passing is coming up next week. While I’ve been depressed about my job, my lack of female companionship, lack of offspring, I have been as of late....completely terrified of dying. I know that every one dies and I eventually will too but it doesn’t help. The thought of it gives me a full blown panic attack. I don’t know what do. Am I weird?? Am I strange? Who can I talk to about this??
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