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About Maxx55

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  • Birthday 12/13/1975

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  1. Hello everyone. Last week I had a health scare that seriously freaked me out. I’m 42 years old, divorced, no kids, only child, and the first anniversary of my mom’s passing is coming up next week. While I’ve been depressed about my job, my lack of female companionship, lack of offspring, I have been as of late....completely terrified of dying. I know that every one dies and I eventually will too but it doesn’t help. The thought of it gives me a full blown panic attack. I don’t know what do. Am I weird?? Am I strange? Who can I talk to about this??
  2. Maxx55

    A song that might help:

    Thank you for suggesting this. Not to hijack the thread, but when I am feeling very stressed and just need to zone out for a while, I play Samuel Barber's Adagio for Strings from the Homeworld Soundtrack. When I listen to it, I feel like my stress is slowly leaving me...and I just feel a little bit better. Samuel Barber's Adagio for Strings from the Homeworld Soundtrack
  3. So it's been a couple of days. So my manager sort of likes me and he asked me to create a new position based off an idea I had for him about a year ago. That's fine and good, but he knows I want to be a manager. I know I could do it too, I've been in management positions before at other companies....did pretty well since I was given bonuses when I worked at those other companies. They don't hand out bonuses (not talking about a 100 bucks or and a steak dinner....no it was a check between $2,500.00 and $5k and a $300.00 voucher to redeem one or more gift cards). Anyway, the position that has yet to be posted and I've talked to a few other managers in the company asking for their advice. They said that since it is open to only internal candidates (those who already work for Best Buy) that I should apply anyway for two reasons. 1 - I have to be interviewed (company policy) and 2 - to gain experience and to be comfortable interviewing again. So when it posts, I will be ready to go. I have also applied to several other firms in my geographical area that have open positions in my area of expertise.
  4. Hello everyone, I'm having some anxiety issues surrounding work and in life in general. I'm 42 years old man and I feel I am having a midlife crisis and I don't know what to do or how to act or what....... 7 months ago, I lost my mom to a stroke.....I MISS MY MOM!!!!!! At first when it happened, I was greeted with nice messages of condolences and "if there is anything you need, let me know" messages. Well some of those well wishes seemed to have dried up and people aren't as "open" as they were. Work life is more complex. I've worked in the same job for the last 10 years and I guess with every job, there are parts I love and parts I despise. The parts I despise could easily be corrected, but management won't for some odd reason. For my job reviews and performance, I've gotten high marks....in a 1 - 5 rating system (1 being low, 5 being high), I have received "satisfactory" or a 3's, "excellent" 4's, and "beyond expectations" 5's consistently for the last 5 years. This week, my manager sent out an email to me and co-workers that he's going to be opening up a new manager position. Department rumor mill is full swing and it is generally believed that the newest person our team was hired specifically for this position. Which I am trying not to believe, but it is concerning.....if it is true....my thoughts turn to me and ask the questions - "why am I constantly going way beyond what is needed when there is no payoff?". I don't know if true but and maybe it's just my nerves.... What is really annoying is that our manager came from a different department that was completely different. We have to have certain certifications and prerequisites, which any normal person would say that the manager should too. He doesn't....no experience in our line of work at all. Was hired because he was friends with the person who posted the position. I am afraid that this new management position will handled the same way. A position that I am more than qualified for. I've thought about finding a new job elsewhere, maybe a place that will treat me with respect and actually give a hoot about my future. Ugh. I've given myself migraines over this... Finally, let's talk about my love life....or lack there of. I don't have a wife (wife left me 11 years ago), I don't have a girlfriend....last girlfriend I had was my wife before I proposed to her....I have a profile on 4 dating sites.....nothing sleazy....just dating sites like POF and Match. In the 6 months of looking at and reviewing....and waiting....results...1 date. I have one lady friend that I have any form of physical contact beyond a hug, but she isn't really interested in a long term relationship. Ugh....if anyone has advice...I'd love to hear it, otherwise, thanks for letting me vent.
  5. Maxx55

    Merry Xmas

    Merry Xmas. It’s a double whammy for me. First Xmas without my mom who passed away in August so I’ve been bummed out about that. Its was my birthday on December 13th. Turned 42. This is my 11th year alone for Xmas as far as zero romantic partners go (I’m straight) so no ladies to hug, kiss, or cuddle with. I’m on two dating sites and so far.....zero dates.....I feel like both Frankenstein’s monster and the Humpback of Notre Dame will get dates before me. I have a feeling that all my Xmases will be like this going forward. Me going to my cousins house (until I’m no longer invited) having dinner...exchange a “white elephant gift” and pretend that all is ok. I guess I get through it because I don’t put up a tree anymore. I don’t really watch Xmas movies like It’s a Wonderful Life or White Christmas. I have no brothers or sisters so it’s just my dad and I.
  6. It’s been 3 months since my mom passed away unexpectedly due to a severe stroke. Ive done my best to go on but as things progress I find myself both equally sad and downright petrified of my own mortality. I am seriously freaking out. I’m giving myself panic attacks and I know that there is nothing....nothing I can do to stop the inevitable. I was raised in a Lutheran household and even though I don’t attend church regularly it has been my belief of an afterlife. However the scientific non religious side of my mind says “give me proof, not fairytales”. Am I acting normal here?? Have I gone crazy?? Help....
  7. Maxx55

    I'm a "bleeping" mess

    Thanks,,,just taking things day by day...all I can do.
  8. Maxx55

    I'm a "bleeping" mess

    Hi everyone.....having a rough time. I lost my mom on August 14th due to a stroke (it was her 2nd) which has left only my dad and I. Mom was 77 years old. I have no other siblings...it's just me and my dad. My dad is 75 and recently had a physical and was given a clean bill of health (thank goodness). I'm having panic attacks since my mom's passing. Panic attacks due to fear of losing my dad....being alone.....having no wife or girlfriend to be there at my side.....last night I couldn't even sleep until I took an Xanax. People think being an only child is awesome, great, wonderful.....you don't have any siblings to compete with or get into fights with......while that may be appealing to some..... it also means that you have little to no support during difficult times.
  9. Maxx55

    Just trying to hold it together

    It's been a while since I last posted and there's been a real shake up at work and my personal life One - I didn't move to a different shift as "suggested". In the last two months, three co-workers have left. One took a job working closer to his chosen career path....although he was one of the higher performing co-workers in the job....real enthusiasm, always cheerful. A second co-worker was working two jobs...and asked for a full time at their other job and the third was let go. Two - My mom had a stroke. She fell while leaving church, at first they thought it was heat related and so they transported her to the hospital where they began treating her for for blurred vision, headache, and some tingling. Bad things, those symptoms can occur with both people having heat exhaustion and also people having strokes. They did a CT scan and found that she was having a intracerebral hemorrhage. They got her stabilized and she spent a week in the stroke care facility of the hospital that we were at. I took a week off from work and was at her bed side for about 8-10 hours each day. I bought an coloring book and colored pencils, a new fidget spinner, a fidget cube. I brought my ipad with movies and headphones so that when she was sleeping, I had something to do. it's been a couple of weeks and she is now in rehab learning how to stand up, balance, and trying to learn to walk again. It's been a trying few weeks. Three - because of my mom and what is going on at work, I thought it would be interesting to see if there is something better. I applied for a manager job in a medical facility and thought nothing of it. I applied...got a rejection email....not surprised. At the suggestion from a co-worker, they said that I should contact the HR department and ask some clarifying questions but be respectful like "thank you for your response. Out of curiousity, could you explain in more detail what characteristics you were looking for in a candidate for this position?" I received an email reply last week, then the HR dept. called me and set up a phone interview. Now they invited me to do an face-to-face interview. Of course now I am having anxiety about it.
  10. Maxx55

    Just trying to hold it together

    morecoffee - that is the feeling that I am getting. I've asked a friend who works in HR for another company to review my resume and assist me with updating it and seeing how it can be improved.
  11. Maxx55

    Just trying to hold it together

    So....after signing off on Wednesday, I had a complete emotional breakdown.....shaking, crying, hyperventilating, and even throwing up a little....yes I know it was a panic attack and I was out Xanax and didn't get anymore because it was midnight.....I woke up the in the morning and serious contemplated not going into work and just take a sick day.....but I didn't....I went back in and made it through Thursday and Friday fine.....a little jittery and on edge, but I put my first foot forward. It's the weekend now and I have time to collect my thoughts and relax....or at least try too.
  12. Maxx55

    Just trying to hold it together

    Thank you Mayzee....I'll try my best....
  13. Maxx55

    Just trying to hold it together

    Ok so my anxiety level went up about 10x today and I am so unhappy right now....my stress level is so high that I am having an extremely hard time coping. So I took my manager's advice and I tried to be more happy, more welcoming, more "cheerful" and what did it get me??? A talking-to. Why because someone complained that I wasn't doing it enough....I can't make these people happy. As I explained to my manager is that I am not grumpy, but I am an introvert... I enjoy time by myself or in small groups, I don't like to initiate small talk, I communicate better via email than in person. I respond the same way someone approaches me. If they good morning, I say good morning back. If someone waves, I wave back. If no one talks to me, or even acknowledges presence I just sit there silently until someone comes along who does. I get the feeling that they want me to be nothing more than a door greeter at the expense of all other things. Keep in mind, my manager didn't seek out my side, nor did he watch the security cameras (our desks are on camera and recorded) to see what I was doing at the accused time...Just plain talked-to and how "I've got to do better". After he reviewed video he called and apologized and it was shown that the reason why I didn't acknowledge people is due answering intercoms and covering for another desk because we were short staffed. I am so tired and I don't know what to do anymore....I am so tired and feel like I am being singled out for no reason.
  14. So...I need to vent and no one seems to be in the chat room at the time of this writing. Yesterday my manager and I sat down to discuss something. I work in security in a "in house" position meaning that I work for the company I provide services for, rather than working 3rd party. Hope that makes sense. Anyway, we have two people leaving our department and one of the people leaving was working a mid-morning to early evening shift. My manager suggested that I take the new shift, but it would mean that I wouldn't get home until evening (8 pm local time). Well based upon what he said during the conversation I had a panic attack after I got home and I felt as if I had done something wrong and just felt completely deflated...I went to bed two hours earlier than normal because I was so upset, I even took a Xanax to help me calm down. Now keep in mind I wasn't told that I had to take the shift...it was only a suggestion because "I am not a morning person" and appear "grumpy" to other employees. But basically I felt horrible....I felt like I should just go home and never go back and just start looking for a new job.....I even sent my rather outdated resume to a friend who works in HR at another company to review it and provide suggestions "just in case". I feel like all of the pressure is just building up inside of me and I don't know how to release it....I feel like breaking down in tears but as my mom said "men don't cry!!!!!" I keep this all bottled up....I haven't told many people that I am like this...I don't want them to think I am freak....my family doesn't know (parents or others).....most friends think I am just some happy go-lucky guy.......if they only knew...
  15. Maxx55

    Having a Rough Time

    Hi all......I don't expect much of a response.....this is more for me to vent and not let things get all pent up. My doc said I should write things down when things get bad....but my handwritting sucks when I'm upset so I type instead.....anyway...last couple of days have been rough. I don't know if it is the antibiotics that I am taking for an infection or what but anyway. Today was a especially bad day....Last week I went to the tax preparer and I have a refund, but when I think of finances in general....I have an anxiety attack....So what happened today....came home with a pizza (little caesars) ate some....and then crawled into bed....didn't sleep...didn't watch tv (don't have a tv in my bedroom).....didn't listen to the radio or other music......just my thoughts and the noise that could be heard through the walls (i live in an apartment). Finally dragged myself out of bed after an hour to watch the Big Bang Theory. I am feeling a little better now......after crying a bit (yes I am guy, I cried, I don't care), I was watching some sad scenes.