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Maxx55

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About Maxx55

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    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 12/13/1975

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  • Location
    Midwest

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  1. I don't get out and socialize much. My weekly routine is so set, one could almost set their watch by it. Monday - Friday I go to work, same time start - same time ending. I go to Buffalo Wild Wings on Saturdays, I go to my dad on Sundays....cycle repeats. Every now and then I will go "astray" and do something different, like the auto show or an outdoorsman show (you know, fishing, hunting, side - x - side vehicles, etc. But thanks to this COVID virus causing such a fuss, everything is canceled...I can't unwind like I normally do. Today at work, it came to a head. I wasn't feeling great to begin with and as soon as I walk in, I am immediately barked at by my boss for no reason....it got so bad I stood there for a minute and contemplated quitting right then and there.....throwing my company ID, my keys, my company computer on the desk and just walk out.....I didn't but I thought about it. I'm tired of the abuse...I am tired of being harped on all the damned time while others slack off without a care in the world. Later in the day I had a panic attack. Sorry...just needed to vent.
  2. So it's two weeks since the 1st of 2020 and my ex hasn't contacted me in over a month.....find it rather upsetting. I am so lonely....Christmas was less than spectacular....I didn't receive any presents....made me feel soooo wanted (sarcasm).
  3. It seemed that they were in a tougher spot than me, so it felt right to me. Call it fate, call it karma, call it a test from God, I don't know......I just think that sometimes whatever you put out, you get back....so I am hoping that one day, someone shows me the same kindness when I need it.
  4. So....one last holiday update.... It's December 31st, about 20 minutes to midnight and ringing in 2020. I am really hoping for a better year in 2020.... So how did my Christmas go you ask? Well I saw a movie (Star Wars) and aided an out-town couple who were lost. Saturday I was supposed to go to my cousin's house and meet up with my extended family, only to be prevented by doing so due to the weather...it was causing people to spin out and the state's Dept. of Transportation issued a "no travel" advisory. If you are wondering....no....I didn't receive any presents this year.....not even coal...
  5. Well it is 12/26 and I survived another Christmas. I guess I will tell you about my day. From midnight to 4 am, I was playing PC video games. I crawled into bed around 4:30 and then slept until 12 noon. After waking up, I took a shower, got dressed, and then went to visit my dad who lives about 20 minutes away. I brought him a gift card for Best Buy for Christmas.....he felt bad because he told me I didn't need to get him anything...but I wanted to. Since my mom passed, in 2017, neither my dad or I have put a Christmas tree. After spending some time with my dad, I went to see Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker. It was my second time seeing it, but I enjoyed it just the same. After exiting the theater, two people stopped me and asked where a banquet hall was in relation to the theater. They claimed they were from Chicago, had arrived earlier in the day and their phone died and didn't have a way to recharge it at the moment. I asked for the address and I looked it up for them and it was about 6-7 blocks away. They asked if it would be too much trouble to drive them there....they handed me $10.00 to take them. Since it wasn't out of my way, I agreed and I drove them to the destination........I don't make it a habit to pick up strangers and drive them somewhere, but since they gave me money, I figured I was an impromptu Uber. The drive took less than 5 minutes and when we arrived, some of their family, including one of their older kids came up and hugged them. I gave them the $10.00 back and told them that they needed it more than me, so they shook my hand and wished me a Merry Christmas and I told them the same. After that, I came home and jumped online and watched a few movies at home.
  6. Things continue with just feeling "meh". I keep hearing from friends and co-workers about what presents they are giving....what presents they are hoping to receive....etc. It makes me feel kind of down....I don't receive many presents.....I received 10 dollars from work that was in a birthday card my co-workers gave me. My dad gave me a gift card to my favorite restaurant. I don't expect Christmas to be any different.....maybe I am being selfish....it at least means someone gives a damn about me....Enough to show that someone cares.
  7. Thank you all for your comments. I found, I don't know the word, contentment??? that doesn't sound right either. I am tired....tired of loss...tired of losing.....Losing my wife to divorce....losing my mom....losing my girlfriend (even though she treated me harshly....more like a wallet than anything), tired of losing out on jobs that I really want and I am really qualified for.....I wish I could take a break for a month or two....just to try and de-stress myself.....
  8. Hi everyone, today is my birthday and I am feeling kinda "meh". Not too extremely happy.....not too "oh woe is me" either. My family and I had a tradition....on our birthdays we would go to the restaurant of the birthday's choice and have dinner. My mom always chose either Olive Garden or Red Lobster, my dad wanted to go to a local family owned restaurant, I guess it is considered a chain since they have 4 or 5 establishments, but all owned by the same family. I always chose a steak place like Outback or Texas Roadhouse. in 2016 we didn't go out for my birthday....it was too cold and my mom and dad didn't want to leave....not a problem and they said they would make it up later. We never did. In 2017 we didn't go out because my mom passed away in August and so it was just my dad and I and we just had a pizza. In 2018 my dad and I didn't go out because I had a colonoscopy earlier that day.....yes....a colonoscopy on my birthday....(everything checked out fine btw if you were curious). Today I left work early and decided to purchase my own steak dinner.....I guess you have to sometimes do things yourself, right? I guess I am feeling "meh" because I miss birthdays of years past with my parents and girlfriend and I. Now no girlfriend or wife, mother has passed away and my dad didn't want to go out. Of course those are the good birthdays.....one horrible birthday I had was when I invited 15-16 friends....we were going to go to Chuck E. Cheese.....only no one came...i stopped inviting friends to birthdays....
  9. So it is thanksgiving and as I started this post, Santa made his appearance on TV at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade and the dog show is about to start. I’m sorry if this is going to trigger anyone but I have to vent so please bear with me. For the last year and a half, the woman I would consider my girlfriend broke up with me. I have supported her and her two kids (not my kids though) through giving them money and buying food. Earlier this year my girlfriend had two surgeries. One was nerve ablation in her left knee and a few weeks later, a hysterectomy. I took time off from work to be with her and to help her with the kids since she was going to be on some pretty good pain meds. Well we seemed to distance from each other and she started being hostile and isolating. Conversations were short and sharp. Until well, you get the idea. I always thought that when growing up my life would be so much different. I thought I would be working my dream job as a law enforcement officer. I thought I would have a house with a big yard, a dog, a wife, two-three kids, being able take one of those picturesque “family photos” for a Christmas card saying “Happy Holidays to all of you from The Hansen’s -Steve, Sarah, Amanda, Hannah, and Greg” (not real names...just examples). Instead it is much different. No law enforcement officer job, no wife (I’m divorced) and I don’t even have a girlfriend...no house (I live in a mediocre apartment)..no dog (I lost my two cats recently, one in November of 2018 and one on April 2019) .. and I have no kids. I also lost my mom in August of 2017 and holidays are always tough. My dad and I were invited to my cousins house for Thanksgiving, but he turned them down, so thanksgiving is just my dad and I. Quite the change from when I was growing up. Thanksgiving when I was a child was so much different. First it was our old house with a lot of room. My grandparents, my mom, dad, me. Three sets of aunties and uncles, topped off by 10 kids and my old dog, Buffy (she was a Cocker Spaniel) It was a full house. I miss those days and I think my dad does too. I guess what I’m saying is I’m sad. I’m sad because my dream job hasn’t happened. I’m sad because I don’t have house that I want. I’m sad because I’m not married to a beautiful woman. I’m sad that I don’t have kids. I’m sad I don’t have a dog. I’m sad because I yearn for the days of holidays gone by. I’m sad for what could be but isn’t. Thank you for your time.
  10. Hello everyone. I am feeling down at the moment so some of what I am going to write might make sense. It's been about a week and a half since my last posting. My lady/significant other (whatever term you care to use) had her knee ablation procedure and seems happier because of it. The day of and day after that procedure she sent me a text and was very polite to me when she asked for help, including please and thank you. No money or anything, just to help her around the house. Because of the pain medication she was given she was more or less sedated because of it. So I helped out with laundry, made dinner, made sure the kids behaved and that they took their baths, brushed their teeth and then made sure they went to bed all while their mom slept. Tomorrow she is having her hysterectomy. I don't know why, but I am scared for her and she did admit that she's a little nervous about it. When I asked she said of the lifting restrictions, the pain, and that she might feel less that a woman because she won't have her plumbing anymore. She told me that I could visit her at the hospital if I wanted to. Part of me wants to go, part of me doesn't. She said her mom & dad are going to be there and she said she would call or text me since she doesn't want me to be around her parents....I don't know why....they know me...a little. I looked up codependent online and I saw some descriptions that apply to me. intense and unstable interpersonal relationships chronic feelings of boredom and emptiness subordinating one's own needs to those of the person with whom one is involved overwhelming desire for acceptance and affection perfectionism low self-worth Thank you for letting me ramble. Oh and to top it off, it's Father's Day....unfortunately I am not a dad..but want to be.
  11. Hi everyone.... Its been a little bit since my last post. I checked myself into the mental health services of my hospital and I was inpatient care. Things came to a boiling point and I lashed out, verbally. I felt extremely saddened by all of my failures whether real or imagined. It just came out....my work, any meaningful relationship with a girl. Just seemed like no matter what I do...,it’s never good enough. It’s like BB King’s song “How Blue can you Get? “I gave you a brand new Ford, you said 'I want a Cadillac' I bought you a ten dollar dinner, you said 'Thanks for the snack' I let you live in my penthouse, you said it was just a shack” I’m seeing a therapist now....fingers crossed.
  12. Hello all.....earlier today I received several text messages from the ex......I did not respond. Felt really low...I reached out to the suicidepreventionlifeline.org chat line and chatted with a counselor. Feelings of not being good enough etc. Thinking that I am going to seek out a counselor.
  13. It's just makes me feel like a failure in meeting a significant other.....my wife left me, the one I've written about isn't treating me very kindly, only had two other girlfriends before that.......I have no children....only one parent living....no siblings.....Who's going to grow old with me? Who's going to take care of me when I no longer can? Who's going to visit me in my old age....if I make it to old age?? I've been on dating sites with minimal success....actually no success....it seems like this is my last chance.
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