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Maxx55

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About Maxx55

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    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 12/13/1975

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    Midwest

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  1. It’s been 3 months since my mom passed away unexpectedly due to a severe stroke. Ive done my best to go on but as things progress I find myself both equally sad and downright petrified of my own mortality. I am seriously freaking out. I’m giving myself panic attacks and I know that there is nothing....nothing I can do to stop the inevitable. I was raised in a Lutheran household and even though I don’t attend church regularly it has been my belief of an afterlife. However the scientific non religious side of my mind says “give me proof, not fairytales”. Am I acting normal here?? Have I gone crazy?? Help....
  2. I'm a "bleeping" mess

    Thanks,,,just taking things day by day...all I can do.
  3. I'm a "bleeping" mess

    Hi everyone.....having a rough time. I lost my mom on August 14th due to a stroke (it was her 2nd) which has left only my dad and I. Mom was 77 years old. I have no other siblings...it's just me and my dad. My dad is 75 and recently had a physical and was given a clean bill of health (thank goodness). I'm having panic attacks since my mom's passing. Panic attacks due to fear of losing my dad....being alone.....having no wife or girlfriend to be there at my side.....last night I couldn't even sleep until I took an Xanax. People think being an only child is awesome, great, wonderful.....you don't have any siblings to compete with or get into fights with......while that may be appealing to some..... it also means that you have little to no support during difficult times.
  4. Just trying to hold it together

    It's been a while since I last posted and there's been a real shake up at work and my personal life One - I didn't move to a different shift as "suggested". In the last two months, three co-workers have left. One took a job working closer to his chosen career path....although he was one of the higher performing co-workers in the job....real enthusiasm, always cheerful. A second co-worker was working two jobs...and asked for a full time at their other job and the third was let go. Two - My mom had a stroke. She fell while leaving church, at first they thought it was heat related and so they transported her to the hospital where they began treating her for for blurred vision, headache, and some tingling. Bad things, those symptoms can occur with both people having heat exhaustion and also people having strokes. They did a CT scan and found that she was having a intracerebral hemorrhage. They got her stabilized and she spent a week in the stroke care facility of the hospital that we were at. I took a week off from work and was at her bed side for about 8-10 hours each day. I bought an coloring book and colored pencils, a new fidget spinner, a fidget cube. I brought my ipad with movies and headphones so that when she was sleeping, I had something to do. it's been a couple of weeks and she is now in rehab learning how to stand up, balance, and trying to learn to walk again. It's been a trying few weeks. Three - because of my mom and what is going on at work, I thought it would be interesting to see if there is something better. I applied for a manager job in a medical facility and thought nothing of it. I applied...got a rejection email....not surprised. At the suggestion from a co-worker, they said that I should contact the HR department and ask some clarifying questions but be respectful like "thank you for your response. Out of curiousity, could you explain in more detail what characteristics you were looking for in a candidate for this position?" I received an email reply last week, then the HR dept. called me and set up a phone interview. Now they invited me to do an face-to-face interview. Of course now I am having anxiety about it.
  5. Just trying to hold it together

    morecoffee - that is the feeling that I am getting. I've asked a friend who works in HR for another company to review my resume and assist me with updating it and seeing how it can be improved.
  6. Just trying to hold it together

    So....after signing off on Wednesday, I had a complete emotional breakdown.....shaking, crying, hyperventilating, and even throwing up a little....yes I know it was a panic attack and I was out Xanax and didn't get anymore because it was midnight.....I woke up the in the morning and serious contemplated not going into work and just take a sick day.....but I didn't....I went back in and made it through Thursday and Friday fine.....a little jittery and on edge, but I put my first foot forward. It's the weekend now and I have time to collect my thoughts and relax....or at least try too.
  7. Just trying to hold it together

    Thank you Mayzee....I'll try my best....
  8. Just trying to hold it together

    Ok so my anxiety level went up about 10x today and I am so unhappy right now....my stress level is so high that I am having an extremely hard time coping. So I took my manager's advice and I tried to be more happy, more welcoming, more "cheerful" and what did it get me??? A talking-to. Why because someone complained that I wasn't doing it enough....I can't make these people happy. As I explained to my manager is that I am not grumpy, but I am an introvert... I enjoy time by myself or in small groups, I don't like to initiate small talk, I communicate better via email than in person. I respond the same way someone approaches me. If they good morning, I say good morning back. If someone waves, I wave back. If no one talks to me, or even acknowledges presence I just sit there silently until someone comes along who does. I get the feeling that they want me to be nothing more than a door greeter at the expense of all other things. Keep in mind, my manager didn't seek out my side, nor did he watch the security cameras (our desks are on camera and recorded) to see what I was doing at the accused time...Just plain talked-to and how "I've got to do better". After he reviewed video he called and apologized and it was shown that the reason why I didn't acknowledge people is due answering intercoms and covering for another desk because we were short staffed. I am so tired and I don't know what to do anymore....I am so tired and feel like I am being singled out for no reason.
  9. So...I need to vent and no one seems to be in the chat room at the time of this writing. Yesterday my manager and I sat down to discuss something. I work in security in a "in house" position meaning that I work for the company I provide services for, rather than working 3rd party. Hope that makes sense. Anyway, we have two people leaving our department and one of the people leaving was working a mid-morning to early evening shift. My manager suggested that I take the new shift, but it would mean that I wouldn't get home until evening (8 pm local time). Well based upon what he said during the conversation I had a panic attack after I got home and I felt as if I had done something wrong and just felt completely deflated...I went to bed two hours earlier than normal because I was so upset, I even took a Xanax to help me calm down. Now keep in mind I wasn't told that I had to take the shift...it was only a suggestion because "I am not a morning person" and appear "grumpy" to other employees. But basically I felt horrible....I felt like I should just go home and never go back and just start looking for a new job.....I even sent my rather outdated resume to a friend who works in HR at another company to review it and provide suggestions "just in case". I feel like all of the pressure is just building up inside of me and I don't know how to release it....I feel like breaking down in tears but as my mom said "men don't cry!!!!!" I keep this all bottled up....I haven't told many people that I am like this...I don't want them to think I am freak....my family doesn't know (parents or others).....most friends think I am just some happy go-lucky guy.......if they only knew...
  10. Having a Rough Time

    Hi all......I don't expect much of a response.....this is more for me to vent and not let things get all pent up. My doc said I should write things down when things get bad....but my handwritting sucks when I'm upset so I type instead.....anyway...last couple of days have been rough. I don't know if it is the antibiotics that I am taking for an infection or what but anyway. Today was a especially bad day....Last week I went to the tax preparer and I have a refund, but when I think of finances in general....I have an anxiety attack....So what happened today....came home with a pizza (little caesars) ate some....and then crawled into bed....didn't sleep...didn't watch tv (don't have a tv in my bedroom).....didn't listen to the radio or other music......just my thoughts and the noise that could be heard through the walls (i live in an apartment). Finally dragged myself out of bed after an hour to watch the Big Bang Theory. I am feeling a little better now......after crying a bit (yes I am guy, I cried, I don't care), I was watching some sad scenes.
  11. Well it's New Years Eve day and 22 hours from the time I post this, it will be midnight in my timezone. Alcohol will be consumed, parties will be thrown, Auld Lang Syne will be sung......chances are I won't be doing any celebrating. Oh how I dream of going out to a night club just once and partake in the festivities with other party go-ers.....except I always chicken out. You see all of my friends are married or have girlfriends and most have children and now past the "party stage".....so here I am.....alone....again.....story of my life. Oh...I am a good friend alright....just not good enough to be invited to parties or invited to join other people....I'm good enough to help people move their crap from their old place of abode to their new one but not good enough to have the favor returned. I am always that guy who girls "care about as a friend" and not a romantic partner. Sorry...long rant.....anyway. It's been 10 years this New Years that my now ex-wife left for Chicago to hang out with some "Friends" whom she never met before until she got there. Me....home....alone....again.......only company was two pet cats. Oh I perfectly knew what was going on.....she was leaving me for some a-hole she met online....someone she confided in about all the ways I was a terrible husband.....gee I wish she shared that with me, maybe I could have corrected all of the ills. Bottomline is she returned home said she slept with said a-hole and now wanted a divorce....I was of course devastated because what I have experienced in the last 10 years is exactly what I thought it would be when she asked for the divorce.....I would be alone.....no woman wants me. I don't know....maybe at the time I showed more passion or feeling by telling her or by showing her by punching out the A-hole's teeth to prove that care...of course I would have probably been arrested for assault but who knows.....I guess when the priest asked "Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, in good times and in bad, for as long as you both should live" and I said "I Do".....I meant it. If you any suggestions on how to overcome this loneliness feeling I have please let me know.
  12. oh happy birthday to me - sigh..

    Again...that you for the birthday wishes....you are too kind. Today was the grand opening of a Dunkin' Doughnuts....first time they have been in Minnesota in some time....I think the last one closed 10 years ago.....anyway I went and bought myself a birthday doughnut...I haven't eaten it yet...soon will.
  13. oh happy birthday to me - sigh..

    Thank you everyone who wished me a happy birthday, it was a very nice gesture and something I wasn't expecting. The leftover pizza was from Little Caesars.
  14. hi everyone....well today is my 41st birthday. Supposed to be a happy occasion right??? Birthday party, gifts, people showing you that they actually give a hoot about you?? Well it's never really been that way for me...I've never had a party like that.....i've never had a large group of close friends....3 or 4. I have plenty of work colleagues who have wished me a happy birthday in passing.....but here I am.....sitting at home..alone..having birthday pizza....correction....leftovers birthday pizza. No cake....no ice cream,,.,,not even a card. I'm not sure if any of you heard about this story but can relate to it. Last year there was a photo of a young lady who is autistic and it was her 18th birthday party at a bowling alley. There were balloons and decorations and to make it really special....as it should be. She invited all of her friends and classmates.....anticipating a really great time.......but none of her friends showed up....she at her birthday cake all alone. I feel the same way......alone. I know what you maybe thinking....maybe next year....it will get better....except every birthday it is like this.....for the last 10 years since my wife left me....before then it was just me and her. If you will excuse me.....I have pizza to eat.
  15. hi everyone. I need to ask a question to find out if I am the only one like this or am I just weird. I live by myself for the last several years and I have found it difficult to keep my one bedroom apartment clean. Let me say it's not totally bad like large amounts animal poo on the floor(I don't have animals) or tons of garbage or anything, just disorganization. I take out the trash once...sometimes more if necessary....usually because the trash dumpster is on the way to my vehicle. I struggle to put on this front when I am at work and with friends that by the time I get home....I have no energy left or desire to clean......so things sit and build up....then I see and realize the mess I have made and it feels overwhelming which makes me even more depressed because I feel like my critics are right.....that I'm worthless..... I take on a lot of hobbies to keep my mind occupied and not dwelling on my condition.....video games, paintball, R/C cars.....etc. which contributes to the clutter. It also doesn't help that I'm a pack rat either where I save a lot of junk (example....some of my ex-wife's things junk she left behind.....and we've been divorced for 9 years).....but for some reason I feel like I can't or shouldn't get rid of it. Ugh...am I alone like this???.....any advice???