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DarkestxHour

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Everything posted by DarkestxHour

  1. Moving on. I wish all of you well on the path of recovery. Don't give up.

  2. I love snow until about mid February, then I wish spring would arive. Last year the snow got to be as tall as me, and taller in some places. We had two blizzards and a short ice storm. I wonder what this winter will have in store for us. :)
  3. Our first snowfall of the season started today, and something about its beauty moved me so deeply. I took my camera and went outside to take some pictures. I find that I was actually enjoying myself. When I came inside, all bundled up with my camera in my hands I was grinning. Here are the pictures I took. The last one is of me being goofy, which was fun. :)
  4. I cannot express how I apprexiate all these responses. :) Getting up today was difficult, so I just let myself laze in bed cuddling with my cat, who was very affectionate this morning. I've been watching the snow fall and finding solace its beautiful peaceful silence. I actually enjoy winter. It's a lovely season. All the seasons have something special and magical about them. I'm taking a break the next two weeks, going to Vermont to visit my Aunt and her family for Thanksgiving. Getting out of town would probably help a lot. And Vermont is a gorgeous place. I love it there. Sleeping sounds good. I'd like to sleep for a few days. Getting up and doing things is so tiring. But I think I'm adjusting well. I don't feel passively suicidal, so far today anyway.
  5. I think you're family losing you would be worse than being out on the street. That isn't a choice, okay? Maybe its time to sell your dream home. We moved from a beautiful house to this piece of crap place, but its shelter and we swallowed our pride. Of course, it wasn't a survival decision. My mom wanted a farm and made us move without giving us an option. Have you considered re-locating? Also, the job market right now is highly competitive. There are more people than jobs. It's not a personal failing, its just that the economy is in a bad place right now and thousands if not millions of others are struggling. I was working in a factory doing work someone without a high school diplmoa could do, and I have a bachelor's degree. I learned a lot about being working class and blue collar jobs. It's ugly. Anyway, I'm in a boat next to you now. I resigned from my job due to health reasons. But my situation isn't quite so dire...I live with my parents. Maybe its time for you guys to temporarily move in with a relative.
  6. It comforts me to know I'm not the only one! When one door closes, another opens. I'm glad you are choosing to take care of yourself. I wish quitting my job made me feel better, but now I'm worrying about paying next month's bills. I got this month covered. Actually I might have next month covered too, but after that...uncertain. I feel sad that I won't be able to buy my family members Christmas presents to show them I love them and appreciate them. I feel like such a lousy daughter, not helping out...just shutting away with my laptop. I'm trying to motivate myself to do more but so far am failing. I'm trying not to but I feel like such a failure.
  7. I find watching things I enjoy a good way to cope, engage my mind and a good distraction from my depressive thoughts. I've been watching UFO Chasers and Destination Truth. I find the beliefs in other cultures to be so fascinating. I love mythology too, and seeing these historical and often ancient places. I question the credability of these shows, but find them enjoyable nonetheless. I also love Ancient Aliens, even though I think they get ridiculous sometimes. :)
  8. I understand how you feel. I belong to a Druid Grove, and they are very supporting but I only see most of them during High Days/Festivals. We all talk online, but they're all busy and I'm...I guess I'm just very needy right now. I understand they have lives. I prayed to the Great Spirit and Mother Goddess last night, which brought some comfort...but really I don't feel overly connected to the Gods. I see these Christians and their faith and reliance on the God and wonder what that is like. If I didn't disagree so much with Christian practices than I would probably be one again. I am somewhat drawn to Celtic Christianity, as it blends with Paganism. Being out in nature makes me feel better. I'm looking into Wicca/Celtic Wicca. I'm waiting for my book on that to arrive too. I wish the Treadwall one would get here...I need it...
  9. The people who don't want you around, who leave you...they aren't real friends. Real friends accept you and care about you. I've lost a lot of friends because of my mental health problems and I learned to see it as them not being able to handle my problems, and that they're struggling with their own issues. Or are unhappy with themselves. It might not just be you. But it IS exhausted to have to fake it all the time. I finally gave up. I figure...I'm not okay, and the world needs to know it, because I might hurt myself if they don't. Self-preservation. Maybe you should try to find like-minded people, or people here who are suffering from depression. We won't walk away. :) You can be as negative as you want, you have to get it out of your system. Do you draw or write at all? That might help too. Find things you enjoy and do them, then you'll find people you enjoy and who will enjoy you.
  10. I feel your loneliness. What a horrible pit of emptiness. I'm so sorry you feel this way. I can relate...I've worked so hard and come so far and here I am, depressed again, just resigned from my job because I can't function anymore and burned out...It's like you make great strides and it all just slips through your fingers. At least people buy your art. I post mine on deviantart and its rare that I get even one comment. I no longer do art for the hopes of making a living, its therapy and pure expression. It makes me feel better. It doesn't matter if no one else appreciates or wants it. I'm not very good with romantic love either. I think you need to learn to love yourself before you really feel love for another person. That's the best advice I can give. I just called off a relationship about a week ago. They never work out. Maybe I'm choosing the wrong person, you know? Maybe you're setting yourself up for failure, in work and other areas of your life. Not intentionally. Just some thoughts. Hold on. Things will get better.
  11. My doctor, my psych nurse and my therapist were all telling me I need to resign. So I did. I thought it would go down really bad, but it went fine. They were good about it. I told them I was resigning for health reasons...because mental health is a health reason and my therapist didn't want me to get the stigma. My mom was really p*****. Then I told her how bad I am, why, and how I handled it. She started going off about me being psychotic. I was like: WTH?! She thought depression and mania were psychosis. I informed her that there is psychotic depression and sometimes you can have psychotic symptoms when you're manic, but being depressed or manic doesn't mean you're psychotic. I'm taking a break from the job hunt for a couple of weeks. I just need a break. I pushed myself to the limit. I'm not quite ready to go into professional work. It might be a few years yet. I just keep telling myself I'm not a failure, trying not to feel guilty. Man, I'm so tired. I was awake for 20 hours straight before I went to bed last night. Its catching up to me. If my passive suicidal thoughts become active, I'm going to the ER. I'm going to try all in my power not to go down that road. My Prozac was increased. I hope that helps, if not, I'm trying Zoloft.
  12. Hehehe. I'm actually doing somewhat better. Somewhat. No passive suicidal thoughts yet today, so that is better than yesterday. I resigned from my job due to health reasons, because that's what I needed to do. It doesn't chase the depression away, but I feel a bit better. I get the break I needed. But all of this is making me feel sick to my stomach. :( Here comes change...can I handle it?
  13. Uncomfortable (I had a burito and its not agreeing with my stomach, plus its that time of the month and I have a horrible cramp), dirty (I really need to shower), sad yet a little hopeful.
  14. My last bit of joy was talking to my handicap co-workers. Now that I can't do that anymore, nothing is keeping me there. I saw my doctor tonight and told her about my suicidal thoughts and job dissatisfaction, and we agreed that its time to quit. It's an organization that's supposed to help the mentally ill but its all show. The truth is they stigmatize just as badly as the rest of society. It isn't a helpful nurturing environment. It's almost sweatshop labor. They know I have a severe mental illness but they aren't very understanding about it. I mean sure they give me time to go to my appointments. I don't get paid. And my supervisor said that, now that I'm full time, they'll probably do an investigation because I'm taking leave without pay and I'm not supposed to. Today I called in because I had a bad mental breakdown last night. Really bad. I slept for a little while but awoke around 2:30am, and I've been up since...well, I slept for an hour somewhere in there. I don't feel tired at all...anyway, I called in, explained what happened and that I'm doing badly, and they wrote me up for it. I can't do this anymore. I'll probably call in and quit tomorrow. The doctor suggested I take two weeks off because I'm psychologically unable to function. I was almost hospitalized tonight. So...yeah... I'm not playing the game anymore...not putting up the facade. I'm NOT okay and the world needs to know it and accept it.
  15. Thanks guys. :) My job isn't the cause of my depression, but it definitely makes it worse. After discussing it with my doctor and the mental health worker, we all decided it is in my best interest to quit. There will always be another job. What really drove it home to me was when she was asking whether or not I was planning to **** myself and if I needed to go to the ER. I told her that if that happened, and I was hospitalized...what would happen to my job? She told me, at the moment, my job is obselete. My life is WAY more important. And she is right. It is. I see this job and organization for what it really is. I'm not playing into the stigmatization game any longer.
  16. I went to my follow up about my back, and told my doctor about my depression, and how I was having suicidal thoughts. And she brought in a mental health specialist and we all just talked, and I was assessed for hospitalization, but then I promised I wouldn't hurt myself. I'm going to call tomorrow morning to let them know I'm ok. I vented about my job and they told me it is time to quit. That my mental health is more important than my job. They helped me arrange an appointment with my psych nurse and counselor tomorrow morning. I got doctor's excuse for today and tomorrow. I am going to talk to my counselor and psych nurse about quitting, and also about trying different meds for depression. I am FINALLY starting to feel better. I FINALLY feel like I will be okay.
  17. I had a doctor's note for the back injury. I'm going to try to get a note or something about missing because of mental illness. They encouraged us to go full time and only told us the benefits. I tried to get more information but always got pushed aside. So now I'm finding out the downside. If I do stay there...I'm ditching the full time status. It only gets me an extra half-hour's pay, nothing else changes. Not worth it. I need more flexibility. In the past two years before today, I only missed two days due to my mental illness. I was sick a few times, but I also worked while I had the flu (I was puking in the bathroom then went back to work), a severe sinus infection, through severe colds...I only abused leave once. I had a really bad headache and was depressed as hell so I called in with a migraine. I'm a good hard worker, I produce more than anyone else. You think they would be more understanding. Because I'm educated, I see what's really going on and don't buy into it. I've kept my mouth shut because I didn't want to lose my job. I don't care about the job anymore. It adds to my depression. I'm more concerned with the fact that I don't want to be here and having the urge or though to hurt myself when I'm near knives. When you're mentally fighting for your life, things fall into perspective. I'm more concerned about getting better than keeping this job. I just don't belong there. Once I get back into graduate school (in 2016) I plan to become a counselor or advocate for people with mental illness. Try to make the world a better place for us, because things have got to change.
  18. I work in a sheltered workshop for the mentally ill and disabled. You think such an environment would be nurturing and compassionate. It's not. I have a 4 year college degree doing working that someone without a high school education could do. I get lumped in with the low functioning workers. I get treated like I'm stupid. I don't fit in with my disabled coworkers, I don't fit in with my other coworkers who have disabilities but not as severe...not handicap, but they only have high school educations and are 19 and 20. I don't fit in with the supervisors because of my social status. They treat me like I'm always bothering them. Like I'm wasting their time. When I go to them with a problem I get dismissed. Then they wonder why production is so low, or why there are so many mistakes. And I say "I need help." And they act like I never asked to begin with. Or if there is a problem I go to my supervisor and her reaction is usually, "Oh really?" Then dismisses me. Or ignores me. So when she comes to the problem she gets angry and asks why no one else said anything. Because my word isn't valuable. I use to confide in my boss, but he went behind my back and complained about it to my supervisor. When I ask him for help, he actually usually attempts to help me but he acts like its a bother. Half the time the other supervisors send me to him, then he complains about it. Who am I supposed to go to? I think the turning point was when my boss yelled at us because we didn't seem to be doing anything (no matter what we did there would be a wait, it was unavoidable), and he looked me in the eye and said I didn't care about production. I was so angry. At the time I was manic so I pulled him aside and told him I DID care. But now I don't anymore. Why should I? He said the more shoes we make, the more it benefits us but I fail to see how, as we don't ever get a raise. I've been there two years without a raise. With my education I should be making at least $10 an hour. Instead I make $8.60. I don't make enough to pay my bills AND have my own place. I live with my parents. I can't even afford a car. I put my all into this crummy job because that's whats expected of me. But now that I'm depressed and having suicidal thoughts, it just doesn't matter to me any more. They don't care about me. I'm just a work horse. I called in today because I had a mental breakdown last night. I woke up around 2:30am and have been awake since. I've cried so much my eyes are swollen and burn. I called in today, explaining why and got written up. They. Don't. Care. Well, I'm starting to not care anymore. I'm probably going to quit, just getting up the nerve. I'm not depressed because of work, but work adds to my depression and fragile mental state. At this point, it would be better for me to not work there I think. I told my supervisor I was looking for other jobs, and her reaction was, "And you really think you could do something somewhere else?" As if I'm only capable of this level of work. I remember my old counselor told me I would never go back to college, that this was it for me. So yeah I know stigmatization. It's a beast.
  19. I was talking to a friend this morning. Life is a game. I just don't want to play anymore...at least by society's rules. I'm a free thinker and a rebel...I'm dissastified with the way society is. Anyway, I completely get where you are coming from. I called a crisis hotline and they pepped talked me, and was like, "There, you feel better already! Good bye." And when I hung up I sobbed. Because I felt worse. A friend said he was worried about me, and said he would talk to me. Purely clinical. At the end, he said, "Sounds like you know what you need to do. You're doing great. Keep going! Have a good day!" And I started to cry because I felt the exact opposite. I missed work today even though I had no leave, or sick days or anything. I had a mental breakdown last night, I'm still barely keeping it together. My eyes burn and are swollen from all the crying. I'm on the verge of tears again. People who have never been depressed don't have a freakin clue. Bandaids don't fix depression.
  20. I'm very angry at the moment. I had a mental breakdown last night. I'm at the point where I don't want to be alive anymore. Not in a mental state to work so I called in. I don't have any sick time, personal leave or vacation time because I injured my back about a month ago and missed 5 days of work. I just couldn't go in today. I got written up. They know I have a mental illness. That's how I got into the place...they employ the mentally ill and disabled. I was fine until they got me to work full time. Well, I wasn't fine. The day my boss looked me in the face and told me I didn't care about production was the day I snapped inside. Because I put my all into this menial, mundane way below my education leve, little pay, no appreciation job. I work very hard. And I get treated like crap. I get stigmatized even though they aren't supposed to do that. They SHOULD know better. I could hurt myself, and they would expect me to go in. Why is it the physically ill get lenicnecy but not the mentally ill? One of the supervisors was out for a few months due to physical illness. I can't miss one freakin day?! Because I'm a lowly menial worker? That is utter BS. I dream of a society where people are valued beyond the amount of money they can make. I'm not like everyone else. I try to live this image that I am, but I'm not. I have a severe mental disorder. I'm trying to meet everyone's expectations but at the moment I can't. Why does that make me weak or a bad person? "We all struggle. Just get up. You'll be okay." Yeah. To the person with suicidal thoughts. This isn't a quick fix situation. Bandaid peptalks aren't going to fix me. This is trauma from years of abuse and past sexual abuse. I need time to work through it and process it. But society doesn't give you time for that. Hell, they only give you three days to grieve after you lose a loved one. That's insane! No one can properly grieve in that amount of time. I hate our society and its lack of compasison. Ok. I'm done ranting now. Feel free to vent on what makes you angry!
  21. Thank you Vivian. :) I'm on Prozac but it isn't helping. Maybe its time for something new. I see my psych nurse on Friday. Don't know how I will make it to Friday, I'm just going to worry about making it through today. Thanks for the kind words.
  22. Is there no way to get assistance from the government? Maybe take some courses to up your chances of getting hired? I collected SSI for a few years before I got a job. It wasn't a lot of money but it let me make payments on my student loans. The bank, loan companies...no one cares if you're mentally ill or disabled. You could be a pregnant woman and ask for time off, and get it because you're pregnant. But depressed and suicidal, have a mental break down and ask for time off...they put a mark on your file and counsel you. I speak from experience. I have a bachelor's degree and one semester of gradute school under my belt, and I work in a small workshop factory for the mentally ill and disabled. They have no compassion for me. Menial labor is sucking out my soul. I am stigmatized and treated badly. So I definitely feel for you. Society values money, not people. They say its the other way around, but its not. When it comes down to reality, you're just as valuable as what you can make. There is nothing wrong with you, it's society that is the problem and it makes me so furious. They do these things and act like its okay when it isn't. They shouldn't be allowed to get away with this, but they do. Selling yourself is legal. And it usually doesn't get you anywhere. I make less than $1000 a month. No raise. Just went full time but I don't think I can handle it, so I'm going back to part time. Actually, I might just say F-it and quit all together. Having money problems suck, but working in a unrewarding low functioning job where you get treated bad, undervalued, and stigmatized for your mental disorder....that isn't any better. That is stress too. Please don't end it though. What is something else that keeps you here? Do you have any talents? Hobbies? I don't have children, but I have a cat that is like my child and I just couldn't abandon her. It was destroy her. And I know it would really hurt my family and friends. Much as I don't want to be here any more, I don't think I could put people I love through that. I'm going to tell you...you DO have value as a person, whether you're employed or not. You are more than your working capabilities. Don't let society make you think otherwise. Society is wrong. One thing that also keeps me going is my desire to me a counselor and advocate for people with mental illness. This is utter hell. And millions of people are going through it. If I can make this...all this mean something, into something good, then I'm going to try. Maybe that's something you could do?
  23. And in theory, people will pay it back. But it has to be a complement that doesn't sound generic/fake itself. What kinds of things might you say Minerva? Does it ever get returned? I'm curious to know what field of work you're in (and if it's anything like mine) DarkestxHour? I'm surprised that your coworkers, then, would dismiss your disclosure about having suicidal thoughts. It can be a challenge to know how to respond to that but at that point anything would be better than silence. I work in a sheltered workshop for the disabled and mentally ill. I glue safety shoes together. Menial. Unrewarding. Boring. Unchallenging. I hate it. But I work along with disabled people. Talking to them has been a distraction for me. But I'm not allowed to talk to them anymore because its a distraction.
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