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DarkestxHour

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  1. Moving on. I wish all of you well on the path of recovery. Don't give up.

  2. I love snow until about mid February, then I wish spring would arive. Last year the snow got to be as tall as me, and taller in some places. We had two blizzards and a short ice storm. I wonder what this winter will have in store for us. :)
  3. Our first snowfall of the season started today, and something about its beauty moved me so deeply. I took my camera and went outside to take some pictures. I find that I was actually enjoying myself. When I came inside, all bundled up with my camera in my hands I was grinning. Here are the pictures I took. The last one is of me being goofy, which was fun. :)
  4. I cannot express how I apprexiate all these responses. :) Getting up today was difficult, so I just let myself laze in bed cuddling with my cat, who was very affectionate this morning. I've been watching the snow fall and finding solace its beautiful peaceful silence. I actually enjoy winter. It's a lovely season. All the seasons have something special and magical about them. I'm taking a break the next two weeks, going to Vermont to visit my Aunt and her family for Thanksgiving. Getting out of town would probably help a lot. And Vermont is a gorgeous place. I love it there. Sleeping sounds good. I'd like to sleep for a few days. Getting up and doing things is so tiring. But I think I'm adjusting well. I don't feel passively suicidal, so far today anyway.
  5. I think you're family losing you would be worse than being out on the street. That isn't a choice, okay? Maybe its time to sell your dream home. We moved from a beautiful house to this piece of crap place, but its shelter and we swallowed our pride. Of course, it wasn't a survival decision. My mom wanted a farm and made us move without giving us an option. Have you considered re-locating? Also, the job market right now is highly competitive. There are more people than jobs. It's not a personal failing, its just that the economy is in a bad place right now and thousands if not millions of others are struggling. I was working in a factory doing work someone without a high school diplmoa could do, and I have a bachelor's degree. I learned a lot about being working class and blue collar jobs. It's ugly. Anyway, I'm in a boat next to you now. I resigned from my job due to health reasons. But my situation isn't quite so dire...I live with my parents. Maybe its time for you guys to temporarily move in with a relative.
  6. It comforts me to know I'm not the only one! When one door closes, another opens. I'm glad you are choosing to take care of yourself. I wish quitting my job made me feel better, but now I'm worrying about paying next month's bills. I got this month covered. Actually I might have next month covered too, but after that...uncertain. I feel sad that I won't be able to buy my family members Christmas presents to show them I love them and appreciate them. I feel like such a lousy daughter, not helping out...just shutting away with my laptop. I'm trying to motivate myself to do more but so far am failing. I'm trying not to but I feel like such a failure.
  7. I find watching things I enjoy a good way to cope, engage my mind and a good distraction from my depressive thoughts. I've been watching UFO Chasers and Destination Truth. I find the beliefs in other cultures to be so fascinating. I love mythology too, and seeing these historical and often ancient places. I question the credability of these shows, but find them enjoyable nonetheless. I also love Ancient Aliens, even though I think they get ridiculous sometimes. :)
  8. I understand how you feel. I belong to a Druid Grove, and they are very supporting but I only see most of them during High Days/Festivals. We all talk online, but they're all busy and I'm...I guess I'm just very needy right now. I understand they have lives. I prayed to the Great Spirit and Mother Goddess last night, which brought some comfort...but really I don't feel overly connected to the Gods. I see these Christians and their faith and reliance on the God and wonder what that is like. If I didn't disagree so much with Christian practices than I would probably be one again. I am somewhat drawn to Celtic Christianity, as it blends with Paganism. Being out in nature makes me feel better. I'm looking into Wicca/Celtic Wicca. I'm waiting for my book on that to arrive too. I wish the Treadwall one would get here...I need it...
  9. The people who don't want you around, who leave you...they aren't real friends. Real friends accept you and care about you. I've lost a lot of friends because of my mental health problems and I learned to see it as them not being able to handle my problems, and that they're struggling with their own issues. Or are unhappy with themselves. It might not just be you. But it IS exhausted to have to fake it all the time. I finally gave up. I figure...I'm not okay, and the world needs to know it, because I might hurt myself if they don't. Self-preservation. Maybe you should try to find like-minded people, or people here who are suffering from depression. We won't walk away. :) You can be as negative as you want, you have to get it out of your system. Do you draw or write at all? That might help too. Find things you enjoy and do them, then you'll find people you enjoy and who will enjoy you.
  10. I feel your loneliness. What a horrible pit of emptiness. I'm so sorry you feel this way. I can relate...I've worked so hard and come so far and here I am, depressed again, just resigned from my job because I can't function anymore and burned out...It's like you make great strides and it all just slips through your fingers. At least people buy your art. I post mine on deviantart and its rare that I get even one comment. I no longer do art for the hopes of making a living, its therapy and pure expression. It makes me feel better. It doesn't matter if no one else appreciates or wants it. I'm not very good with romantic love either. I think you need to learn to love yourself before you really feel love for another person. That's the best advice I can give. I just called off a relationship about a week ago. They never work out. Maybe I'm choosing the wrong person, you know? Maybe you're setting yourself up for failure, in work and other areas of your life. Not intentionally. Just some thoughts. Hold on. Things will get better.
  11. My doctor, my psych nurse and my therapist were all telling me I need to resign. So I did. I thought it would go down really bad, but it went fine. They were good about it. I told them I was resigning for health reasons...because mental health is a health reason and my therapist didn't want me to get the stigma. My mom was really p*****. Then I told her how bad I am, why, and how I handled it. She started going off about me being psychotic. I was like: WTH?! She thought depression and mania were psychosis. I informed her that there is psychotic depression and sometimes you can have psychotic symptoms when you're manic, but being depressed or manic doesn't mean you're psychotic. I'm taking a break from the job hunt for a couple of weeks. I just need a break. I pushed myself to the limit. I'm not quite ready to go into professional work. It might be a few years yet. I just keep telling myself I'm not a failure, trying not to feel guilty. Man, I'm so tired. I was awake for 20 hours straight before I went to bed last night. Its catching up to me. If my passive suicidal thoughts become active, I'm going to the ER. I'm going to try all in my power not to go down that road. My Prozac was increased. I hope that helps, if not, I'm trying Zoloft.
  12. Hehehe. I'm actually doing somewhat better. Somewhat. No passive suicidal thoughts yet today, so that is better than yesterday. I resigned from my job due to health reasons, because that's what I needed to do. It doesn't chase the depression away, but I feel a bit better. I get the break I needed. But all of this is making me feel sick to my stomach. :( Here comes change...can I handle it?
  13. Uncomfortable (I had a burito and its not agreeing with my stomach, plus its that time of the month and I have a horrible cramp), dirty (I really need to shower), sad yet a little hopeful.
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