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Everything posted by littlehomebody

  1. How many attempts did it take before you found a therapist that actually helped? Or maybe you never found that? Anyone ever try going the self help route? (Studying/reading books, applying the methods therein, etc.) Any success? I'm on my fourth try to find help. The first two were simply not a good fit. They weren't mean, just not that great for the circumstance. One was a strict cognitive behavioral therapist (not a good match), the other was in over his head and too inexperienced to admit it- honestly, it was a little like having therapy sessions with Barney the Dinosaur. This last therapist really hurt me. After the first two, I thought I knew more what I wanted/needed in a therapist and I had insurance now so that would make it easier that way and this was going to be it. I don't have anyone I can ask, but went online, researched, compared people at psychologytoday.com and elsewhere and even got brave and made a few phone calls. Finally settled on someone who had decades of experience, had multiple methods he drew on (verses someone who say, only did cognitive therapy) and of course took our insurance. (Sad how many therapists insurance eliminates.) This person looked good on on paper, anyway. I made it through eight sessions. On the eighth I got brave and (dared) express some concerns/questions about where we had been, were going, and what his method/plan was for future sessions. He responded by immediately dumping me as a patient. Oh, and according to him it was all my fault, too, and he went on and on to a point of bizarreness about what a good therapist he was and how I'd offended him and he'd never had someone act like me before. But none of the things he accused me of were true, and the concerns I expressed were in his eyes baseless and invalid and a previous conversation we had had where I had been concerned about his behavior (but let it slide at the time)-- NEVER happened according to him. Hubby says the things the therapist accused me of were soooo not like me personality/attitude wise and he remembered me telling him about the conversation, cause I called hubby right after that session and talked with him about it. The whole experience reminded me of my narcissist/dysfunctional dad and step-mom... except this behavior was coming from someone who was supposed to be trained to help me, not hurt me further. Anyhow, it really triggered some negative garbage for me and it took a month before I could even think about the whole thing without choking up in tears. Cause like I don't have enough problems with confidence, trust, feelings of worthlessness and doubt without someone who is supposed to be a professional, who is supposed to help me, going and treating me like this! I don't know what to even do at this point. I want help, but I don't know how much my fragile heart can take. I don't know who to ask or where to go. I've already called the one place I knew of and it was like pulling teeth trying to get help. Um, hello? I thought it was your job and the job of this place to help people like me... not to act annoyed and offer what amounted to no help at all. She was only going to give me one referral name from the thirteen page list they have without even knowing if that person took my insurance. I was hurting so bad, I just wanted help and she was acting like I was asking her to do something shocking and unreasonable. I was so hurt by her lack of concern and so desperate for help that I broke down in tears and begged. Finally, she let me explain what I was looking for, and she gave me three references to choose from, but it ended up that two were strictly cognitive behavior therapists (exactly what I told her I didn't want) and the other I couldn't find anything online about and she came across as really vague, disinterested and unhelpful in trying to speak with her over the phone. So much for that. I'm afraid that if I get another therapist or two like this last one, that I won't survive it. I don't want to just go in blind without knowing anything about someone, but my efforts in trying to research and find someone based on best information I could find was a total failure. My best efforts already failed... where do I go from here? Draw a name from a hat? Why is it so hard to get help? Mentally healthy people like my neighbor (who didn't know I struggle with depression) say things like "there's just so much help out there now days, there's just no reason for anyone to suffer" and talk like it's the depressed person's fault if they aren't getting help and feeling better... because medications are reliable and work for everyone and all therapists are great because they are professionals and are trained to help you... so what's wrong with you! And then people wonder, "with all that great help out there", why the suicide rate isn't going down. I'm considering looking into self help books for a while and give myself a little more time to try to heal after this last negative therapist experience. Anyone try that route? How helpful (or not) was it? I noticed there are a lot of books that discuss and even teach different therapy techniques. Maybe I could find something that would at least help some that way. I just want help and feel like there's no one out there within my reach of possibility who genuinely cares, who sees me as a fellow human being in need and not simply as a paycheck. It's like asking a half dead person to run a gauntlet- but an emotional one made of multiple therapists with the vague notion that eventually one of them might help. I feel so lost.
  2. After decades of depression, I think I just hit an overload point where I couldn't handle life anymore. I kept forcing myself to refuse suicide as an option, so this is what my mind did instead in order to cope. (Have never been on prescription medication for depression, so it's not that for me.) If I had to trace it to a tipping point, it would be the severe miscarriage I had. Nearly died from blood loss twice; the first time because of the miscarriage the second because of the doctor's error. She was a really callous, just rude and unthinking doctor, too and the ER nurses were only marginally better. It was a horrible experience. Everything just starting sliding downhill from there into a different level of depression that I haven't experienced since I was a teen. But it's lasting longer this time. The loss of positive (and a fair amount of negative) emotions just kinda snuck up on me. (It's one thing to not feel positive feelings joy or hope or pleasure- I had chalked those up to the deepening depression. But it's a real strange thing to have an experience happen that would normally make you angry, realize in your head "I'm angry", but not FEEL the anger that should be going with that, isn't it? That caught my attention.) I really noticing an increased loss of emotion about the same time I noticed a loss of color visually. Has that happened to anyone else? One day I was driving my son to school and it dawned on me that the colors didn't look quite right. I chalked it off at the time to it being my imagination, it was fall, the leaves and lawn are dead, of course it's not going to be as colorful as summer. But the next spring came and then summer and the vividness of color was gone. It's like a slightly faded picture, the colors are just... off. Dimmer. There is no color blindness or anything wrong with my eyes- even had them checked. Did find one online article that briefly mentioned that severely depressed people can lose some of their perception of color like this.... so I can only chalk it up to some wacktastic new phase in this journey called depression.
  3. The forgiveness statement was made with a bit of intended sarcasm (which may of not been so clear, perhaps?). Yes, I know what forgiveness is, it is certain members of my extended family who do not. (Though thanks for the article link, I always like stuff like that.) They (extended family members) deal with things by (in part) acting like it never happend and/or being irriated at you accusing you of not being forgiving. Sorry, I'm not going to take my children to go hang out with my convicted child molesting uncle, even if he's getting really old now and spent his time in prison (never mind he's never actually expressed remorse for what he did, which was pretty bad and wide spread, and he acts like a selfish, manipulative jerk). I don't see embracing the presence of my aforementioned uncle and taking my kids around him as a requirement in the forgiveness department, but other family members, like my dad and my grandparents seem to believe otherwise. That's what I meant by pretending like it never happened as part of forgiving, cause it's like that's what they want me to do. Yes, they have major problems with the concept of healthy bounderies in sooo many ways. Thankfully, my DH is good about supporting me in the learning and striving for healthy bounderies department. :) He and the kids are my rays of sunshine in all this darkness and I am sooooo very grateful for them. Sheepwoman, what's an "AD"? I'm on search for therapist number four (long story, a topic for another thread, perhaps?). I refuse to do any prescription depression medications due to my family medical history background, but I am on stuff to try to help my recently discovered thyroid and vitamin D and B12 deficency issues. I've kinda avoided a psychiatrists so far- one because they are prescribers of various prescription medication, and as I've mentioned, I don't want to go that route or be pressured to so so and- two, they are harder to come by, trying to find one and one that takes my insurance to boot. So far, I've been trying phychologists/therapists... but not much luck there yet. Anyhow, gotta go put a munchkin down for a nap.
  4. Hold in there and don't give up!!!! There's an old cartoon like picture of a frog and a stork that I've always liked. The stork is trying to eat the frog and has the frog on it's way down his throat, but the stork is choking cause the frog has a tight grip around his neck, preventing the stork from being able to actually finish eating the frog. Right below it, the caption of the copy I once had read: "Never give up! Never, ever give up!" Anyhow, don't know why that popped into my head just now, but I always liked that image, and have always thought it an encouraging one. If you do a Google image search on- frog never give up, you can see variations of it. Anyhooo..... Just a few thoughts. I realize that your online girl/photo/flirt thing is a problem- but it's something that can be overcome/changed/repented/forgiven or however you see it. And yes, it needs changed. It's normal (and a good sign actually) to feel remorse about such a thing, but you can't beat yourself up over it into the ground either. Remorse helps instigate change, beating yourself into the ground isn't remorse or change, it's just beating yourself into the ground. People are weak, we make mistakes, hopefully learn from them, work to do better, etc. However, that is not what stuck out to me in your posts. Take this for what it's worth- as it's coming from a complete stranger on the internet. Running the following idea by a professional or two would be a real good idea before acting on it, cause I'm soooo not a professional, I'm just a depressed person like so many others here, with an opinion based on my own observations and experiences. I come from a family background of men who abused their wives at various levels, some just mentally/emotionally, some very violently. My mother, if she ever did one thing right, it would be that she didn't want to see that cycle of abuse continue with her daughter. So she taught me warning signs, behavoirs that were not good in a boyfriend/husband which I needed to watch out for and avoid when choosing who to marry. While my husband isn't perfect, he is not abusive, and I attribute that in large part to the wisdom my mother once shared with me. What isn't always recognized as much in society is that women can be abusers and men can be victims, too. It's not generally as common, but it happens. I'm not necessarily saying your wife is abusive. I don't know her or you, only what you've posted here. But you have described some warning signs in your posts. Warning signs my mother told me to watch out for because they could indicate a mentally ill, manipulative, controlling, abusive individual. First, her hitting you for no apparent reason, which is one concern. Thankfully, that has been only a few times? People can lose their tempers sometimes, but.... Still, a potential warning sign. (My husband and I have NEVER hit each other, even when we were angry, so there are better ways if it was only a lost temper thing....) But you said yourself it was without reason, so.... Even more of a warning sign is how you have said that you don't have friends much anymore because your wife doesn't like them and that she wants you to cut off your relationship with your dad. Big red flags in my mind. From an abuse counseling aspect, women are told that if a guy is discouraging them/coercing them from ever seeing other people that are an important and positive part of the woman's life, such as family and friends, that that is a sign of an unhealthy and potentially abusive and dangerous relationship. That the guy is trying to isolate her so as to better control/manipulate/abuse them because the guy is not exactly mentally healthy or safe and that's what some people with certain mental conditions do- that's how they think they get happiness, feel good about themselves, etc. Terms like narccisist and sociopath come to mind. Unfortunatly, women who come from abused backgrounds are easy prey to such mentally unstable and abusive individuals because of the mental issues from their own pasts they have yet to resolve. The guy is really appealling at first, because he makes them feel good because the guy talks about how much he needs her, etc. and she's paying all this attention and praise to him and that's what he wants, so things can seem okay at first. However, the relationship, on examination, is one sided, and the guy demands more and more and "poor me/bad you" if he doesn't get it to the point of eventually manipulating the woman into giving up anything and anyone that doesn't revolve around himself and his whims and desires. The guy progressivly gets more controlling, manipulative, hurtful and even violent. The woman thinks that if only they love the guy enough, please him enough, that somehow she will be able to change him, fix him, heal him. Unfortunately, that is rarely the case and over time the situation just gets worse. With such guys, they have to want to change and actually see that there is a problem. For too many, they are not willing/able to see their behavoir as a problem, they are so messed up in the head and so caught up in themselves and the idea that everyone else is the problem, so they never change and for women who stay in such situations, the abuse cycle often continues to the next generation as children are brought into the picture and on and on until individuals involved come to the realization of the situation and take steps to break the cycle in their own lives. So if it can happen to women, logically why can't it happen to men??? If you are staying out all night/spending a ton of time every week with your friends while neglecting your wife/family and other responsibilites that is a problem on your side. But seeing/communicating with friends on occasion is good and healthy as long as your friends are not a detructive/negative infulence (I'm assuming your friends aren't criminals or wanting you to engage in really bad or dangerous behavior here). If your friends are generally decent people (a "sorta friend" who lets you get "crazy with alcohol and who knows what else" while with them probably doesn't fall into the decent friend catagory) and if your wife just doesn't ever want you to talk with (decent friends) or see them ever for no real clear reason other than "she doesn't like them", that's a problem on her side (and a potential warning sign). THEN she wants you to cut off all contact with your father. Unless your dad is a dangerous/abusive/controlling/hurtful person and she is asking you to cut off contact for your own physical safety and mental well being, then she has no logical right to make such a request. It actaully sounds like your Dad, based on what you have described, is a decent person and has been a positive support for you??? (Potential warning sign: a person who is like the mentally unstable/dangerous guy I described a few paragraphs back, they will, in the isolating process eventually insist on cutting you off from the more healthy/supportive people in your life because such healthy/supportive people are a threat to them. Why your Dad? Why not insist on cutting ties with your mom when she's been so hurtful and abusive in the past? Because to the person described, someone like your mom is not a threat, someone like your dad, who might see through them or come between you and their control of you is a threat.) I hope I am wrong, I know the grief such situations can cause and as a depressed individual, it would be natural for you to seek the easy path to try to avoid more pain. But if by some chance I'm right, the pain is going to get worse and find you anyway until you face it and deal with it. And it can be done, and there is hope. Others have done it, you can, too. It's just not easy, none of the truly good stuff in life is ever easy. Anyhow, I hope I haven't been too presumptuous. Like I said, I only know the small slice of the picture you have presented and I'm just a stranger on the internet with a few thoughts and opinions. I could be totally off base here, and if I am, please pardon. But perhaps consider it, and definatly bounce some ideas of a counselor or three. Perhaps you and your wife could get couples therapy together? If she's a decent gal, she'd be willing to do so to help you and save the marriage. Marriage is a two way street, it takes the concentrated efforts of both parties to make it work. It's not all on your shoulders or all on her shoulders. But it doesn't work without two working. Good luck and don't give up!!! PLEASE don't give up!!! If one type of help doesn't work for you, keep looking until you find it. (Hope that makes sense, got a headache today and my grammer/spelling isn't the best.)
  5. So, I guess it's a loose tradition to introduce ones self here? Well, ummmm... I'm a middle aged mom of four treasures, married for almost 20 years now to a loving man who probably saved my life by his kindness. I've been depressed for as long as I can remember, various stages of severity over the years, the past five years or so some of the worst. Am learning through painful experience that what my neighbor once said about "there's just so much good help out there nowdays, there's just no reason for anyone to suffer" isn't entirely true. Not that I believed her when she said it, could have snorted water through my nose (she, not knowing I struggle with depression- it's kinda interesting but sad what people will say about depression when they don't know you are depressed). But I need and want help and keep trying as my strength allows. Nothing suprising in my background- Divorced parents, bubble wrapped don't talk about it siblings, emotionally abusive and manipulative father and step-mom, oblivious/destructive/interferring/judgemental/hurtful grandparents, aunts whose husbands abused/caused them to be deceased and/or threatened to decease them, uncle who abused/molested their siblings... their children... their nieces/nephews... the neighbor girl down the street..... Twisted manipulation of relgious themes for personal gratification and justification throughout and lots of "la-la-la this never happened" (coupled with whispers by some here and there of, "well.. okay, this here happened") BUT "it's all okay cause forgiveness means we have to pretend like it never happened, la-la-la..." AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! Maybe that's part of why I'm depressed??? Tired, tired me. Thankfully my hubby supports the avoidence of my family whenever possible. I'd like to add what I like (interests) but other than my kids and my hubby, and maybe genealogy, I don't know if I know what I like or don't like much anymore. Am here cause I don't want to feel alone in this anymore, and even though my DH tries his best and is empethetic, when it comes to depression, I still feel so alone. The prevailing sentiment amoung the general population in the area where I live is: "there's a pill for that- take it and get over it". Not a lot of support around here.... Anyhow, hi, thanks and see ya around!
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