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Versi

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Everything posted by Versi

  1. I'm going through "one of those nights" where I feel down, helpless, worthless, angry, sad, suicidal, etc. I use the quotes not in terms of downplaying, but simply because everyone here knows that that means, has experienced it, so much that it's a common phrase familiar to us. It's sad, and life is unjust. Put simply: I'm ******* sick of having OCD. I literally can't function around other people, because I create them into monsters or people other than who they are. And while I accept I have work to do, and have taken the functional steps to further myself, I'm sick of having it held over me, being made to be a bad person, a sick person, a crazy person. I find it incredibly cruel for another human to hold a mental illness over them, be judged, yet, I find myself irritated at myself for the same things. I feel so much..anger. I've found myself looking for "peaceful" ways to die, even going as far as looking up euthanasia for the mentally in in European countries. While this is what I believe to be mainly an outlet, I do find peace in the idea of simply resting. I feel I will never get over this, and it will haunt my consciousness like a nightmare. I'm drained.
  2. Thank you. Sometime simply venting in here takes the edge off. I agree that this is the joint effort of OCD and, possible, more than one aspect of a personality disorder. These things never come by themselves, do they?
  3. Elsie, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, but I had never looked into this one. I almost cried reading the synopsis, as it sounds like my personality, to a "t". I'm not proud in saying that, but I plan to look into this with my Doctor.
  4. I can't really sum it up specifically, as I've had it for over 20 years and it's progressed and changed throughout all that time period. Right now, my main focus is on distrusting people (mainly males, but I've run into issues with female friends as well), associating everyone together in the world and assuming that if someone has a similar trait (They both play guitar, raised by one parent, etc.), that they have everything in common, and if one person is bad, or negative, the other is as well. I also have parasitic thoughts and have trouble differentiating between reality and logic. I ask my partners several times a day if they are bad people, ******ers, pedophiles, cheaters, etc. Even the most patient of them grow weary and feel frustrated. I'm starting to resent myself and resent them as well.
  5. I've grown tired of trying to blend my OCD into a healthy relationship. It's incredibly difficult to explain, and frustrating for not only me, but the other person. It breeds resentment and distrust, and my OCD creates nightmare like fantasies that feel real. It's impossible to explain to someone who's never felt that how realistic it feels. It's gotten to the point where I feel I should accept the idea of being celibate and single the rest of my life. It's like having to choose between a mundane grey area, or a black and white life. Has anyone else experienced this frustration?
  6. Taking a different train of thought... I think it's important to differentiate the different between an "obsession" that is non-OCD related, and one that is driven by Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Simply having an obsession about one thing or person doesn't mean you have OCD. It's certainly something that could clinically be associated with a type of obsession, particularly in specific spectrums of OCD. However, if one hasn't experienced OCD symptoms in any other aspect, I would suggest that they speak to a professional who can help them sort out a plethora of other possibilities, possibly other areas of ones life that need attention and care.
  7. Any insight? I feel a bit alone in this and welcome coping tips from others who have experienced it.
  8. I wish, maybe just once, I could go sleep instead of my mind racing with negativity, fear, and a variety of other emotions that will inevitably carry into my dreams. It's like I can't escape it.
  9. I've actually had to start monitoring what I read in the OCD forum, because as much as the information and database helps me, I often pick up others obsessions simply by thinking about them. (Reading, etc.) Sort of a catch 22, huh? I think a lot of these are subcategories of other listed "types". For me personally, my OCD started out extremely text book at a young age, and has developed into almost a purely obsessional form. (Pure O). In some ways, it's easier, as the compulsions are rare to non-existent, thus no need to hide and less shame or anxiety. However, at least a compulsion gives you SOME form of release, if not only for a few minutes. Really...OCD is a pain in the a**.
  10. Hi everyone. I was diagnosed with OCD when I was 9 years old. Throughout the years, it has progressed from "text book" OCD (Hand washing, counting, etc.) to what some termed "Pure Obsessional". They're both horrible, and anyone who has ever felt its wrath has my utmost sympathy and the world's biggest hug. It has made my life a living hell. For the last, probably, 6 years or so, and becoming more prevalent in the last 6 months, I've been dwelling on a problem that is hard to describe, as it is a logical thought process, but has become so obsessive I can't sleep, eat, and has shadowed my thoughts and everyday life. I've, in short, been trying to come to terms with what is "logical", and what is OCD. Or, if there is even a difference, or a "right or wrong". The biggest problem I have with this in in relationships. I tend to be untrusting naturally, and it's not even as much "untrusting" as it is "Trust needs to be earned." This in itself I feel is fine. I went through a lot of unhealthy relationships with not so good people. My history in relationships is sketchy and I'm embarrassed I allowed myself to be with these people. So I have both OCD and a history of negative experiences which have, admittedly, made me insecure. Now it's become a problem, because when I am in a relationship or dating scenario, I can't tell if my doubts or fears are logical, or if it's my OCD and insecurity. I've had it come from both ways. There were scenarios when, looking back, I could tell there wasn't anything to be concerned about and I acted on a lot of obsessive thoughts combined with insecurity, fear, etc. Unfortunately, I've also dealt with scenarios where I've let people tell me it was my OCD, found logic in that, and that I had no reason to be untrusting, etc. When in reality, I had a right to not be ok with their behavior. Some scenarios I found where people were outright lying, and displaying inappropriate behavior. (Cheating, lying, etc.) Other scenarios were very grey area, and while many would have been 'ok' with their actions and behaviors, a lot of people wouldn't have, and I realize now I have a right as a person to adhere to my values and walk away. (Talking to ex's beyond what is a casual friendship, lying about small things, etc.) This is something I've been obsessed with, and is affecting my everyday life. It's harder because it's such a complicated combination of emotions, some logical and some ocd, depression, insecurity, etc. CBT has helped with this a bit, but I'm still getting the hang of processing my thoughts through this. (It's extremely hard for me, and I frequently have to write it down to get it to process correctly.) I welcome anyone's experiences or thoughts on this. To be very honest, I would take anyone in this forums opinion over someone who has not had to deal with a mental hardship. As much as they try. They just...don't get it.
  11. I'm glad it didn't work. For you, and everyone else in this forum, including myself. I look forward to hearing more from you.
  12. Thank you for the kind replies. It's been a bit of a roller coaster lately. My trigger point seems to be around 6-7 at night. This is when my OCD analytics start kicking in, I feel anxious and have trouble sleeping. I've started keeping a journal, which in a sense, is a healthy compulsion. I hope everyone is doing well.
  13. Hi all. I joined this forum because I'm struggling through yet another period of my life. I'm a 27 year old female. Although I do surround myself with a supportive and intelligent support group of friends, family, and my psychiatrist, it is often hard to describe in accurate detail what it feels like to wake up, stare at the ceiling for hours, and not once in that time have the want to move, excel, or even be alive. I believe that often, only other individuals who have experienced a hardship with depression (or disorder of any kind), will be able to really get at the core of where I'm coming from. If nothing else, in a sense, it helps to know I'm not alone. (Because that's ironically one of depressions biggest contributions.) I originally was diagnosed with a severe case of OCD when I was 9 years old. In short, it has ruined my life. In my younger years, I would brush my teeth until they bled, and had trouble in school because I was terrified to sit on chairs. It has now progressed into a severe spectrum of OCD called "Pure Obsessional". I suffer from depression because of my struggles with OCD. I was recently told that I exhibit borderline personality disorder symptoms, which logically makes sense as I see the world in extremes. The grey area is terrifying, and where I'm going to be hurt. It seems like even if I can get one of these in order, I can never simultaneously control all of these in harmony to live a happy, healthy, life style. I'm tired. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. There hasn't been a day since my childhood when I haven't had a moment of severe panic, or life shattering feelings of sadness. I have things in my life that do cause a great deal of happiness, but my struggle is when I can't be doing those all the time. (Photography, cooking, my animals, etc.) It's like a have moments of happiness, but the underlying base is still dark. Things have been worse in the last six months after two consecutive romantic situations wherein I was treated poorly, or disrespected. I, personally, would rather be respected than liked, so this hit my ego quite badly. I do exhibit a great deal of mistrust and insecurity in regards to other people (A large portion of which came from negative experiences) I own that, but won't let others use it as an excuse for themselves, or use my insecurities against me to do cruel things. I've had others tell me things are my fault because of my OCD or depression as a scapegoat to weasel their way out of bad behavior. Unfortunately, it's usually after the dust settles this is evident. I have trouble telling the basis of reality, quite often, because of my borderline and OCD. I'm not sure anymore what is acceptable, what is not, or if that even exists, whether it's simply a matter of perspective and values. To be treated badly is another layer of, well, everything. It's fuel. It makes me doubt myself, fear everything, and make me feel like a bad person.It is extremely scary and unnerving, causing me a great deal of stress. Anyway, joining this group is a part of my journey into self realization and healing. Time to motivate myself to get up.
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