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rainingviolets

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  1. Thanks
    rainingviolets got a reaction from surfcaster in Physically & mentally Worn   
    I have lived with chronic pain for almost 20 years (degenerative disk disease, fibromyalgia, chronic migraines, and more) and for about 18 years lived with chronic insomnia. Until someone has lived with 24/7 chronic pain and no sleep, they truly don't understand that the English language has no words to adequately describe our pain experience. You have my sympathy and my understanding. 💜
  2. Sad
    rainingviolets got a reaction from sober4life in Physically & mentally Worn   
    I have lived with chronic pain for almost 20 years (degenerative disk disease, fibromyalgia, chronic migraines, and more) and for about 18 years lived with chronic insomnia. Until someone has lived with 24/7 chronic pain and no sleep, they truly don't understand that the English language has no words to adequately describe our pain experience. You have my sympathy and my understanding. 💜
  3. Like
    rainingviolets got a reaction from DeeBear in I Want To Be Okay   
    I can't believe you wrote this in May and I'm just just seeing it now. I pop in and out of DF but never think to check the blogs. All of our good friends from years past are long gone from here so I never expected you to be visiting your blog. I've changed my username several times so I don't remember what you knew me by...was it cookiecrumbs? You knew my real name is Mary and that I'm married with 4 kids who I used to love writing about. They are now grown up and have made me a grandmother 10 (almost 11!) times. I deleted my blog years ago, started another one under a different name a couple of different times, and deleted those also. The change in this place is so incredibly sad! It used to be such a thriving community of good, close friends. I appreciated all of you so much back then when I was struggling so badly. We had such good talks and shared so much. Those were special friendships. After Joanna left things started changing. 
    It sounds like you were going through another rough spell when you were writing last spring. I am so sorry! You've lost so many people in your life you were close to. I remember you and I had chronic pain in common. I pray that you are at least doing better physically. I miss your trademark Deebear humor that often found its way into your writing - no screw-up fairy? Or wasn't that her name? I also wonder if you are still the exotic plant man with the wonderful green thumb for growing gardening wonders. 🪴
    Life started to improve for me when I banished my toxic, abusive, dysfunctional birth family from my life. I still live with several chronic pain issues, but I've learned to adjust and accept that they will always be a part of my life. My strong faith has helped me conquer most of my emotional problems, but I still struggle with the effects of PTSD and repression/flashbacks. My eating disorder rears it's ugly head now and then and that dance begins again, but it comes and goes. The depression and suicidal thoughts have been gone for several years, and for that I am sincerely grateful. I know that my greatest blessings are my husband, my children, their spouses, and our ever- growing tribe of grandchildren. The youngest is barely 2 weeks old and she is a charmer!
    I hope you stop back in and see this. You truly will be in my thoughts and prayers!💕
    -mary 💜
     
     
  4. Like
    rainingviolets got a reaction from S_A_P_P_Y in Profoundly, dangerously depressed   
    Hey you!
    I'm trying to figure out if you're the Jeff I think you are. I used to go by the username cookiecrumbs here....people called me cookie. That was several years ago. I've come and gone a few times since then. One of those times there was a Jeff who used to "hang out" with a group of us...and I think maybe you're him. I tried going back to your older entries but my tablet locked up. I'll have to try on my PC and see if I can look back through your older entries.  It would be fun if you were him, but at the same time it would be kind of sad and you aren't doing well. I like to think we've all moved on and are doing wonderfully.  If you ARE that Jeff, let me know!! My real name was Mary, if you remember from back then.
  5. Like
    rainingviolets reacted to jeff70 in Profoundly, dangerously depressed   
    'Tis himself! 

    Of course I remember you. How have you been? Just by chance, I decided to copy a forum post to my blog so that I could more easily track how I'm doing over time. I didn't realize just how long it had been since using my blog.

    I always have the intention of returning when I am doing relatively well and supporting others who are having a rough time, but it never seems to work out that way.
  6. Like
    rainingviolets got a reaction from jeff70 in Profoundly, dangerously depressed   
    Hey you!
    I'm trying to figure out if you're the Jeff I think you are. I used to go by the username cookiecrumbs here....people called me cookie. That was several years ago. I've come and gone a few times since then. One of those times there was a Jeff who used to "hang out" with a group of us...and I think maybe you're him. I tried going back to your older entries but my tablet locked up. I'll have to try on my PC and see if I can look back through your older entries.  It would be fun if you were him, but at the same time it would be kind of sad and you aren't doing well. I like to think we've all moved on and are doing wonderfully.  If you ARE that Jeff, let me know!! My real name was Mary, if you remember from back then.
  7. Like
    rainingviolets got a reaction from feeling_lost in I suggest we learn to love ourselves before it's made illegal   
    Since you're beautifying yourself and your hair today, here is some worthless information to entertain you. Trivia holds the world together. 
    According to research by the great, scientific minds at Clairol Perfect 10, women are happiest at the age of 28.  The age of 28 has been pinpointed as the time in a woman’s life their hair looks the best, body shape is at its peak and confidence is at an all-time high. It was found that women have six bad hair days a month  Average number of hairs on the head: 100,000 Average number of hairs on the head: 100,000  Red hair: 90,000 Black hair: 110,000 Blond hair: 140,000 Maximum length of hair: 70 to 90 cm Annual growth: 12 cm Female hair grows more slowly than male hair (wouldn’t you just know it) Male hair is more dense than female hair (ditto) Lifespan of hair: 2 to 7 years Diameter of hair: 0.1 mm Humidity stretches the hair Combing is less detrimental than brushing Correct shampooing will not dry out the hair Frequent washing does not increase loss of hair Hair grows faster in warm weather Elderly people have slower hair growth and diminished hair density Cutting hair does not influence its growth Split ends can not be repaired and need to be cut Wet hair should not be rubbed since hair is very sensitive Hair is the fastest growing tissue in the body, second only to bone marrow. The average scalp has 100,000 hairs. Redheads have the least at 80,000; brown and black haired persons have about 100,000; and blondes have the most at 120,000. 90% of scalp hairs are growing and 10% are resting. It is normal to lose 100 hairs per day from the scalp. You must lose over 50% of your scalp hairs before it is apparent to anyone.
  8. Like
    rainingviolets got a reaction from carter_burn1 in I suggest we learn to love ourselves before it's made illegal   
    Since you're beautifying yourself and your hair today, here is some worthless information to entertain you. Trivia holds the world together. 
    According to research by the great, scientific minds at Clairol Perfect 10, women are happiest at the age of 28.  The age of 28 has been pinpointed as the time in a woman’s life their hair looks the best, body shape is at its peak and confidence is at an all-time high. It was found that women have six bad hair days a month  Average number of hairs on the head: 100,000 Average number of hairs on the head: 100,000  Red hair: 90,000 Black hair: 110,000 Blond hair: 140,000 Maximum length of hair: 70 to 90 cm Annual growth: 12 cm Female hair grows more slowly than male hair (wouldn’t you just know it) Male hair is more dense than female hair (ditto) Lifespan of hair: 2 to 7 years Diameter of hair: 0.1 mm Humidity stretches the hair Combing is less detrimental than brushing Correct shampooing will not dry out the hair Frequent washing does not increase loss of hair Hair grows faster in warm weather Elderly people have slower hair growth and diminished hair density Cutting hair does not influence its growth Split ends can not be repaired and need to be cut Wet hair should not be rubbed since hair is very sensitive Hair is the fastest growing tissue in the body, second only to bone marrow. The average scalp has 100,000 hairs. Redheads have the least at 80,000; brown and black haired persons have about 100,000; and blondes have the most at 120,000. 90% of scalp hairs are growing and 10% are resting. It is normal to lose 100 hairs per day from the scalp. You must lose over 50% of your scalp hairs before it is apparent to anyone.
  9. Like
    rainingviolets got a reaction from Jalen in Everything dies   
    When I first read this I had to walk away from it for awhile. I actually didn't think I'd be able to leave a comment. I'm glad that the day went well for you, but I sympathize with the comments that would have been better left unsaid. I had my breakdown at work in front of my boss, my coworkers, several close friends, and some other people. I had been known as the "put together woman" who life was all about perfection and control. I dissolved into a blob of hysteria on the floor. It was ugly. Very ugly. People were shocked. People were speechless. I should have sold tickets to the show. The comments that were made to me in the days that followed were not nice. My friends abandoned me. I will probably tell the story here some time, but I'm not ready yet. I just want you to know that understand what those empty first days at home are like. I want you to know I understand how thoughtless comments hurt. It's been a few years and I still struggle with the memory of that day.
  10. Like
    rainingviolets got a reaction from Jalen in just the contents of my day...in my head   
    Have you considered that maybe this person is just trying to be nice to you? Maybe she realized that you are alone a lot, that you seem isolated, and decided to reach out in kindness. If she has kids and a job she probably doesn't have a lot of spare time, but she is making time for YOU. That should make you feel special. And whether she is doing it because she wants you as a friend or she's reaching out to you out of kindness, does it matter? Either way she CHOSE to be with you. This "filler" friend stuff I don't think is relevant. I would never pick someone as a filler friend. I would rather be by myself than grab on to just anybody. Your self esteem is so low that you won't allow yourself to believe that she wants to spend time with you. Don't test her with  this silly game about whether or not she will go with you some place. She is a busy lady with kids. I think it's great she finds time to go to the gym or whatever it is you guys are doing.  Enjoy having a friend. Not a filler friend. A friend.  
  11. Like
    rainingviolets got a reaction from herba in Everything dies   
    When I first read this I had to walk away from it for awhile. I actually didn't think I'd be able to leave a comment. I'm glad that the day went well for you, but I sympathize with the comments that would have been better left unsaid. I had my breakdown at work in front of my boss, my coworkers, several close friends, and some other people. I had been known as the "put together woman" who life was all about perfection and control. I dissolved into a blob of hysteria on the floor. It was ugly. Very ugly. People were shocked. People were speechless. I should have sold tickets to the show. The comments that were made to me in the days that followed were not nice. My friends abandoned me. I will probably tell the story here some time, but I'm not ready yet. I just want you to know that understand what those empty first days at home are like. I want you to know I understand how thoughtless comments hurt. It's been a few years and I still struggle with the memory of that day.
  12. Like
    rainingviolets got a reaction from gs22 in Everything dies   
    When I first read this I had to walk away from it for awhile. I actually didn't think I'd be able to leave a comment. I'm glad that the day went well for you, but I sympathize with the comments that would have been better left unsaid. I had my breakdown at work in front of my boss, my coworkers, several close friends, and some other people. I had been known as the "put together woman" who life was all about perfection and control. I dissolved into a blob of hysteria on the floor. It was ugly. Very ugly. People were shocked. People were speechless. I should have sold tickets to the show. The comments that were made to me in the days that followed were not nice. My friends abandoned me. I will probably tell the story here some time, but I'm not ready yet. I just want you to know that understand what those empty first days at home are like. I want you to know I understand how thoughtless comments hurt. It's been a few years and I still struggle with the memory of that day.
  13. Like
    rainingviolets got a reaction from Peach in Love Ramble   
    I just recently realised that I have a few “long term” friends.
     If you read through many of the forum posts you'll see that a complaint that many people here have is that they have NO one in their life.  These people would settle for one just one person ~ and it wouldn't have to be a long-term friend, a super close friend, or even a romantic friend. They just want a friend...one friend. I am blessed to have that kind of friendship, but unlike you, I do think it is possible to have that kind of relationship with a romantic couple because my husband is my best friend. I don't think that is true for many marriages. I think I am fortunate to have both a best girlfriend and a best friend in my husband. I don't know if that's unusual, but I know people where it's not the case. Perhaps you would change your mind if you were to develop that "kindred spirit" kind of friendship in an intimate relationship. You're happy the way things are, so obviously it isn't at all necessary.
  14. Like
    rainingviolets got a reaction from RiverLight in Astounding Nature   
    "The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely, or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature." -Anne Frank


    "Study nature, love nature, stay close to nature. It will never fail you."

    -Frank Lloyd Wright

  15. Like
    rainingviolets got a reaction from herba in I think I used to have a purpose, but then again, that might have been a dream   
    If I understand this correctly, your fairy godmother finally got something right in your life.  Wouldn't you say it's about time?
    Hope you continue to feel better!
  16. Like
    rainingviolets got a reaction from Jalen in Exhausted   
    Not to sound like your mother, but you need to be taking vitamins. I'm assuming your mother has them for you just because of your age and eating habits, but they'd also help because you're not getting enough sleep and you generally feel lousy.
  17. Like
    rainingviolets got a reaction from herba in Teen idle   
    My first reaction was that I couldn't believe that your mother didn't immediately take you to the doctor, get you some counseling, and treat you like a broken china doll. Then I realized that was how I would have treated MY daughter. My mother would have treated me exactly as your mother did you, except first she would have gotten my dad involved who would have beaten me so badly I would have been unrecognizable for months. Most of my memories until I was 18 and went away to college are repressed. Ever since my breakdown a few years ago flashbacks have been breaking through that wall. I view that repression as a treasured gift. You mentioned you experienced memory suppression. I assume that you, too, appreciate how sacred repressing those traumatic memories is. I have been diagnosed with "PTSD on top of PTSD", but at least as an adult I am better to handle the trauma than a small child would. I am so very sorry for the dysfunction and abuse you experienced.
     
  18. Like
    rainingviolets got a reaction from herba in The day has come where I have died (only to find I've come alive)   
    Congratulations for making it through a difficult day...and I mean that sincerely. As someone who has struggled with suicidal ideations for a good part of my life, I know how a bad day can kick up those urges. It sounds like you were incredibly strong battling back both those thoughts as well as the self harm thoughts. Your words about your appearance actually were reassuring for me. Before my breakdown I was Miss Perfection ~ coordinating eye shadow, shoes, suit, purse, nail polish. Beautiful, long acrylic fingernails. Not even one split end. After my breakdown I lived in a pair of sweat pants and one of my daughter's old basketball t-shirts. The nails were pulled off. No make up. No contact lenses. I was such a frumpy mess! That was awhile ago and I'm slowly getting better at  pulling myself together, but I will never be the put-together woman I once was.
    A friend and I used to take long walks through the cemetery. It was interesting to read the old tombstones and it was strangely peaceful.
    Keep taking one day at time. You'll make it!
  19. Like
    rainingviolets reacted to lex333 in To Present to Counselor   
    I just read this through... wow.... I am impressed by your honesty and broken-hearted by your pain. I think you explain yourself extremely well, and it is great that you put down in  written form how you experience life. You are obviously quite bright, but as you stated in your narrative, this is not showing up in your grades. I am hoping that the counselor who reads this will be a person you can trust to help you... my only advice would be to give the person you see a chance, as the therapeutic relationship can take some time to build trust. Thank you for sharing yourself with us and I wish only the best for you. 
  20. Like
    rainingviolets reacted to Jalen in To Present to Counselor   
    Thank you. That is a good point. I never thought about that but I believe I am prepared to discuss that if he does decide to elaborate on that.
  21. Like
    rainingviolets got a reaction from lex333 in To Present to Counselor   
    This is really good, Jalen. The one thing I think you should be prepared for is at the beginning when you mention when you were younger that you used to "punish yourself" ~ I can see that maybe a counselor might jump on that and ask how you punished yourself and if you are currently doing anything to harm yourself. It sounds like you were self harming (maybe you were). Just be prepared that the counselor could pick that phrase out and ask you to elaborate on it. I think it's good you put it in there as long as you're comfortable discussing it if it were to come up. I think you're taking a very positive, mature step in doing this to help yourself, especially since your parents seem oblivious to how badly you are hurting.
  22. Like
    rainingviolets got a reaction from Jalen in To Present to Counselor   
    This is really good, Jalen. The one thing I think you should be prepared for is at the beginning when you mention when you were younger that you used to "punish yourself" ~ I can see that maybe a counselor might jump on that and ask how you punished yourself and if you are currently doing anything to harm yourself. It sounds like you were self harming (maybe you were). Just be prepared that the counselor could pick that phrase out and ask you to elaborate on it. I think it's good you put it in there as long as you're comfortable discussing it if it were to come up. I think you're taking a very positive, mature step in doing this to help yourself, especially since your parents seem oblivious to how badly you are hurting.
  23. Like
    rainingviolets got a reaction from Jalen in What people think about me.   
    People used to say many of those same things to me...so I CHOSE to cut those people out of my life. It is YOUR life. You can choose who you allow into your life. It's up to you to set healthy boundaries for yourself. Your past is not your destiny. The day I banished my cruel, abusive parents and siblings from my life was the day I finally started living.  It's not too late to heal your life, but the sooner you do it, the sooner you can begin to dance:
    If a leg bone is set properly after a break, it will heal well. Your body is always healing itself. New bone and marrow cells grow, and the leg is as good as new. It's a miraculous thing. But say the bone is not set properly and is just left alone. Or set quickly, but you can't afford the time to be still and stay off of it. Suppose you try to be tough and get through it. Then the miracle of healing becomes a disaster. Growth becomes your enemy as it seeks to heal and reproduce new cells on a broken place, causing more pain and even deformity.

    Some of us are limping around on wounds that are decades old. We might not even think they hurt anymore, but they are not healed. Healing at a later stage like this is a hard treatment. The bone must be broken and reset. Proper healing is the difference between limping and dancing. 
     
  24. Like
    rainingviolets reacted to GSpolar in Through A Glass, Darkly   
    Your trigger notice should state "WARNING: Writing is so relatable that you may feel exceptionally alive while reading".  I fell victim, gratefully.
  25. Like
    rainingviolets got a reaction from GSpolar in Through A Glass, Darkly   
    Didn't we used to talk ~ episodes ago ~ about you being a writer? I know back then you had your sights on starting the nursery, but I'm sure we discussed your incredible ability with story-telling and writing and the career possibilities you could have crafting books....or maybe it was just me trying to convince you to do something with your obvious talent. You write as if you're painting on a canvas.This blog entry could be a chapter in a book.  I do both writing therapy and art therapy. If you haven't tried them, I think you should.
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