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Everything posted by rainingviolets

  1. I just wrofe a really long reply to your last post and lost the entire thing when I went to post it. Ugh! I'lll try to do a rewrite later.
  2. Once you are in a situation when you need to be that protector, I think you will find that your maternal instincts kick in. That "mama bear protecting her cub" is a natural instinct that comes with the territory. When the time comes, you'll do just fine.
  3. Quentin, I'm going to send you a personal message about your thoughts on Christians and suicide. I am also a Christian. Many years ago I had simliar questions and went to a pastor I respected for my answers. I think you'll find his thoughts reassuring.
  4. Several years ago I hit rock bottom. The wrong therapists had made the issues I was struggling with worse than ever. I felt abandoned by family and friends and completely alone. I had more ugly baggage than an airline. I came incredibly close to ending it all because I was completely hopeless and the only future I saw for myself was miserable. Fast forward to today. I have never been happier. I can say that even though I live with chronic physical pain 24/7, still struggle with night terrors and flashbacks from an abusive childhood, occasionally battle an eating disorder, and yes, at times, even have depressive mood swings. I am okay. I have a family who loves and cares about me. I have a few close friends and even more not-so-close friends. I am once again busy with my art and the other hobbies I enjoy. When I hit those dark moments I remember where I once was and how much my life changed. Don't base the rest of your life on how you feel today or how you perceive things "will" be. Life changes so quickly. I am so glad I hung in there through those dark, empty, painful, lonely, hopeless days. I would never ever have foreseen the incredible "stuff" waiting for me just ahead. Give yourself the gift of time to discover hope again.
  5. Have you looked into respite care? When my daughter was in college she worked for a facility that helped people by taking care of their family members with mental and/or physical special needs. It could be for a week, a month, not longterm but certainly enough time to give the caregivers a much needed break. Perhaps it would allow you and your wife the breathing space to discuss the need to a find a more permanent solution. My daughter is a specialist who works with special needs children. Even she realizes that if their caregivers are suffering, unhappy, stressed out, or miserable it is not a good living environment for any of them. For your own self care, I encourage you to have an honest talk with your wife and come to a solution that is happier and agreeable for the three of you.
  6. Worst fear - something terrible happening to one of my children or grandchildren. I don't care what happens to me.
  7. You should also consider, at least for another day or so, that there might be some "thing" happening in his life that is taking priority over him replying to you. Especially if he is dealing with depression, juggling more than one ball might be too much for him to handle. If something else has come up he may need to focus on that before he can deal with your text. I'm not trying to make excuses for him, but he could have a stressor at work, an issue with a good friend, a sick dog that needed to go to the vet, a problem with his extended family, etc. If his depression is bad, it wouldn't even need to be a big "thing" to get him rattled. Your text does require him to give you a reply, even just to show decent manners, but just to give him the benefit of the doubt, I think you should give him another day before you totally doubt him.
  8. This is a topic that is debatable. I view my eating disorder very much like alcoholism. Over the decades I have successfully stepped away from it during my four pregnancies, when some unknown trigger causes me to start eating again, and during times of great illness. Just as quickly, like an alcoholic taking that first drink, I slip back into it and begin the dance again. That is why I call my disorder Dancing With the Dragon. I've stopped and started the dance several times, like an alcoholic in recovery who falls off the wagon again and again. I love the dance. A few years ago I was horrified when my doctor told me I had destroyed my metabolism by all my excessive starvation. I was devastated. My world revolved around the numbers on the scale. For the next few years as I was dealing with many physical disorders that caused me to spiral into a new life of chronic pain, I began a new dance with a different kind of monster. My focus on existing with chronic pain was so intense that several years passed before I realized that my metabolism had somehow "fixed" itself. I am now trying to be extremely careful with the starvation part of this eating disorder. I know how easy it would be to put on those dancing shoes and start that marvelous dance with the Dragon once again. It's a bit more difficult to hide because I see my doctor regularly because of my pain issues. I'm also concerned about damaging my already-fragile metabolism. Right now, in the early stages of the dance, it's going to be difficult for you to stop without outside help, an outside trigger prompting you to stop, or some kind of motivation in your life (mine was always a pregnancy) causing you to eat normally again. Message me if you want to discuss this deeper.
  9. When you're living in the middle of it all it's diificult - almost impossible - to hear these remarks and react objectively. I grew up in a dysfunctional, abusive home where the insults were pretty horrendous. My dad would say, "you won't amount to a row of outhouses" or "you'te not worth the dynamite to blow you up." As the youngest of 8, my siblings were also allowed to bully and abuse me. By time I reached college I was an anorexic, emotional mess. It wasn't until I became a parent I realized that I would never ever say anything bullying or abusive to my precious children and I would never stand by while someone else did it. You are their son! You should be the most precious gift they have ever been blessed with! Whether or not you are meeting their expectations is irrelevant. We wanted our son to study engineering. He wanted to study something we felt was a poor choice. It didn't exactly meet our expectations. We encouraged him in his choice because it was his passion. That's what parents do. They love their children unconditionally. I didn't understand that until I became a parent. You are young and struggling with depression. Depression will tell you to tune in and believe those abusive insults. Try really hard to tune them out. I had a breakdown years later that had its foundation in that abusive home. Try to be strong. Practice as much self care as you can. Write out positive affirmations and read them to yourself to combat the negative comments you hear at home. Come here and get positive reinforcement. We care. Edit to add - our son later changed his major on his own. He now has a degree in the field of his passion, along with an MBA and a fantastic job.
  10. You are not a bad person. So many of us think that when we come through a bad situation that those bad circumstances make us a bad person. It took me a very long time to realize that my ugly breakdown did not make me a bad person. That ugly day was the result of years of trauma and abuse that as a child I had no control over. I had made some bad choices as a result of those abusive, traumatic years, but as a broken, shattered person I was floundering, trying to survive. I beat myself up over that emotional breakdown...I hadn't been strong enough to hold myself together... I had put my family through so much pain and humiliation. I'm tired of carrying around the "bad" label because of what other people did to me and the subsequent circumstances. Don't take on that bad label. You are a survivor. Be proud of what you've overcome.
  11. JD4010 - The main thing I got from your post is that you are very good at your job and what you do. You're a manager - a person of authority and someone who must perform well to maintain that position. "Constantly being called into action" means you know your job, you do what is expected of you, and you do it well. You've worked there for 31 years and 10 as manager - wow! Congratulations! That would look great on a resume. Your family must be so proud of you, and if your daughter isn't grateful, she should be. I know none of this makes your job easier or makes you like it better, but at least it gives you plenty to be proud of. Maybe thinking about these things will help your anxiety? I listened to my husband complain about his job for over 40 yesrs. He finally retired in December and the people he worked with gave him a wonderful retirement party. His job had been extremely stressful and for most of those years he had worked 7 days a week for over 10 hours a day. Hallelujah! Well, ever since he left they've been calling with questions and asking for his advice. Last Monday one of the company bigwigs called and asked him to return to work on a "special project." I was certain he would turn it down. I was wrong. He had been missing the job he hated for over 40 years. His mind missed "working on all those big projects and solving all those complex problems." Good grief!
  12. Your problem right now is that with the starvation dieting along with the binging and purging and then going back to the starvation dieting again, you have completely messed up your metabolism. This happened to me at one point during my decades with anorexia. My doctor told me my metabolism had completely stopped working and would never recover. Fortunately, at least for me, after several months of normal, sensible eating my metabolism suddenly recovered and I began dropping weight again. As someone with a deeply ingrained anorexic mindset, it's a battle for me not sabotage myself by returning to my old ways.
  13. It is concerning enough that other people in your life are worried about your weight loss, but the fact that YOU are concerned is enough of a reason for you to be careful. You used the word "obsession". That is a red flag. Since this has just been a few months you have time to get things under control before you allow yourself to spiral completely out of control. This is something you need to take charge of before it consumes your life. If this is something that you need outside help with, please consider talking with your doctor or a counselor. The longer you wait, the more damage will be done to your body and the harder it wiil be to take back control. Trust me - this is a disorder I know well.
  14. Hendricksbrock, There are two completely separate things that happened during my teenage years that tormented me for decades. These things I did were not horrific or criminal and in no way hurt any one else. They were the silly, definitely stupid actions, of a young girl who had always been held up to the standards of perfection. I never got caught. If I had been, except for a lot of humiliation as well as parental abuse, I'm not sure how much, if any, trouble I would have been in. Ever since then I have punished myself for over four decades for those two small events in my life. I've cried, lost sleep, wailed my deepest penances to God, and even beaten my fists against the floor in remorse. I simply could not forgive myself for these two transgressions. I was a good girl who wasn't supposed to do any shade of stupid or "bad" thing. Through the years of raising four children and as grandchildren began to bless my life, the pain of these "sins" grew worse. I felt like an imposter - marauding as the saintly president of the Academic Boosters, keeping the books as the treasurer of the Parent/Teacher Association, and planning Valentine parties for the second graders while I was harboring the black secret of my two crimes. One day, I couldn't handle the stress any more and decided it was time to come clean. Tilting my head forward, I let my long hair fall over my face so my best friend could not see my tears. Choking on my words I spilled out the terrible story of what I had done all those years ago. As I sat there expecting her to walk out in disgust, my ears heard laughter...lots and lots of giggles and laughter. I jerked my head up. She loved my "story." She did not think less of me, in fact she shared some of her "silly and stupid" acts of her youth. Of course she had never tormented herself over them as I had. We had an incredibly wonderful talk that afternoon about how we each view ourselves...about our need for self forgiveness and self care...about how we are willing to be gentle with others but won't show ourselves that same kindness. The talk we shared that day opened my eyes not only to how hard I had been treating myself for years over two insignificant, childish acts, but how hard I was on myself for a lot of things...including things I have no control over. I encourage you to practice more self care...to be more gentle with yourself...and to show yourself more kindness.
  15. Since becoming a Christian I have been blessed to be on the receiving end of personally incredible miracles brought about through the faithful prayers of many believers as well as my own desperate pleas. A couple of these are medically documented through test results, ultrasound photos, etc. I have a daughter nicknamed by the medical community The Miracle Baby. I was a believer before these miracles, but they certainly have helped cement my faith. Even though I suffer with chronic pain, PTSD, and many physical and emotional disorders, my faith in a loving God who has a purpose and a plan for my life never wavers. (I sure wish I was allowed to back that up with my favorite Scriptures!) However, I spent years empty, depressed, searching, doubting, and questioning. We are each on our own journey. I certainly understand why others doubt my kind of faith.
  16. You need to be concerned about your own self care. It sounds as if he's manipulating you to do what he wants by using his depression and threatening suicide if you don't give in to what he wants...it's almost like he's emotionally abusing you by trying to make you feel guilty about his emotional problems. That is not love and it certainly is not a healthy relationship. Do you think his therapist would condone this behavior? You need to consider your own emotional health.
  17. For a long time I felt the same way you do about both of my parents. Unfortunately, becoming a mother or father is not like becoming a doctor or an accountant. Anyone can become one without any training, education, or skill. My parents were abusive, had 8 children, and created a pathetically dysfunctional family. I have discovered, just as many people have, that family doesn't have to come through blood. Many of us form bonds with friends that soon become as close as a sister or brother. When I married my husband, his parents soon became like real parents to me. My mother-in-law was the one who taught me how to cook a roast, care for my new baby, and was there to help me grieve the loss of a child. Likewise, my father-in-law was the "daddy" I never had and the grandfather I always wanted for my own children. Don't lose heart. We never know where we might meet the person who will become our substitute parent or sibling.
  18. Mark, I am a long time DF member who has changed my user name several times. Sometimes I pop in for many weeks..sometimes just for an evening and don't return again for months. This is a place I've always felt comfortable. I've shared this story here many times. I have lived with chronic pain for years, along with PTSD and a long list of physical and emotional disorders. My birth family was abusive and dysfunctional. About five years ago, like you, I simply had enough. It was not only for myself that I knew the time had come to make my exit. My wonderful husband was showing the signs of the strain and stress of living with a sick crazy lady. My grown children no longer allowed me near my grandchildren and wanted nothing to do with me. They were annoyed, frustrated, and embarassed with me. I had spent my life devoted to all of them. I had nothing, absolutely nothing, left to live for. I took my time, just like you are, and carefully thought it through. I am woman of deep faith, so I also spent a great deal of time in prayer searching for God's will. When I was certain it was the right thing to do and had an incredibly peaceful heart about the matter, I set a date and made my plans for a time when I would be alone. It was important to me that absolutely not one of the people I loved would interupt, disturb, or in any way stumble upon what was happening. I made a "bargain" with God. I want to keep all of this vague not to violate the DF rules, but essentially the plans I made protected and shielded my loved ones. If I was making a huge mistake, I told God to disturb my plans, knowing there was absolutely no way He could without intervening in a fantastic way. He intervened fantastically and early. Today my life is incredibly wonderful and I am infinitely grateful that I am here to actively participate in the lives of all my grandchildren and children. My husband and I have a lovely marriage and have been married almost 44 years. I still live with horrible chronic pain, PTSD, and a mixed bag of emotional and physical disorders. But I am a happy, thankful woman who is grateful that, even though I was peacefully positive I was meant to take my life five years ago, it never happened and I'm still here today to enjoy every day. Please consider that even though you have carefully thought this through, those are the issues as they exist TODAY. Take a quick look at how fast our world changes! Medical breakthroughs, technological advancements, legal changes. How your life looks now may be drastically different in a very short time. Please give yourself the gift of time. I am so glad I did!
  19. When I went away to college a new friend and I spent many evenings debating religion. Since I had been raised as a Roman Catholic who regularly attended mass on Sunday, never missed a "holy day of obligation", and visited the confessional like a good little girl, I felt that I always had the upper hand in the these debates. My friend was merely a Baptist. She was the first one of those I'd ever even met. Since there didn't seem to be a plethora of Baptists inhabiting God's creation, they certainly couldn't know that much about God or His Creation. On my birthday this new friend gave me the gift of a New Testament Bible. It was a Phillips translation in easier to understand terminology. It was the first time in my life I'd held a Bible. I certainly never had owned one or read one. In the weeks and months that followed I began to realize that I had lived a lie. The things I had been taught as Catholic doctrine and rituals were manmade ~ they were not of God, they were completely made up. Nowhere in the Bible are there instructions about rosaries, holy water, sacraments, baptizing babies, and the constant threat of hell. God's plan for our salvation is incredibly easy on our part. An entire new world was opened up to me. A world of love and not fear. A world of understanding what God's plan is and what my part in it is. Existing under a cloud of lies and fear is a horrible way to live, especially as a child. To take a young girl who is already being horrifically abused by the parents who should be caring for her and then, in the name of God, subjecting her to constant threats of hell and damnation is unspeakably cruel. I don't ever remember a kind, caring face in all of those 18 years. I mostly remember fear. Fear of damnation. Fear of God. Fear of my father. Fear of nuns and priests. Fear of being physically hurt or publically humiliated by the nuns. Fear of being bad. Fear of thinking bad. Fear of doing bad. Fear of some BIG Unknown. I hated going to church. I hated being in church. I soon came to realize that the debates my friend and I had were not about religion, they were about God and theology. It took me a bit longer to realize that those debates had gradually morphed into discussions where I bombarded her with questions about topics that were suddenly vitally important to me. Matters dealing with eschatology, the Great Tribulation, the antichrist and the millennium along with having her helping me get straight the differing views of young and old earth creationists and why it was important. What does preterism mean? What is the difference between millennialism and amillennialism? It was as if the flood gates in by mind had been blown open and there was so much I wanted to know. I would take in the information and then later, mull it over and decide what I thought about it all. I grew up in an dysfunctional, abusive family. Obviously, the emotional scars from my childhood are the result of what happened to me as a member of that family. Those experiences are what caused almost my entire childhood to be lost to repression. I do not blame the mess in my head and in my heart on the Catholic Church. However, my parents made Catholicism a huge part of my childhood. On the top of our family crest is a cardinal's hat ~ real bragging rights within our family ~ because a few generations back a member of our family became a Roman Catholic Cardinal in Rome and hung out with the Pope. Whoopee. There was also my aunt the nun, as well as a priest that my grandmother put through seminary by working as a maid in a motel even though she had PLENTY of money. It was a "personal sacrifice she'd made for the Church." Although I remember very little of my childhood, I remember the confusion over the terrible things the adults did to my body, the horrible words I heard all the time, the "badness" I knew that was happening daily within our home, and trying to reconcile all of that with being brainwashed that we were holy and good and special because we were Catholics. That DID have an effect on the emotional mess in my head and does play a big role in my negative feelings toward the Roman Catholic Church. Several years ago I posted several blog entries here about my time being employed with the Baptist Church we attended, the breakdown I had while I worked there, and the criticism and stigma I encountered among those saintly Christians because I experienced depression, PTSD and other forms of emotional illness due to the trauma and abuse I experienced during my childhood, the chronic pain I constantly endure, and the horrible stress of that job. The scars from that experience are still deep and open. My family and I ended up leaving the church and now attend a church in another town. According to the Baptists, my emotional problems are the result of "unconfessed sin" in my life and "disobedience to God." The pastor of that church, who had once been both my friend and my boss, told the congregation to "pray for her deliverance." As a result of what happened to me at that church after my breakdown, I was diagnosed with spiritual abuse, on top of everything else. I didn't even know there was such a thing. I removed all of those blog entries long ago that detailed my breakdown and the role the Baptist Church played in it. Educating myself to who God really is, the incredible gift His Son gave for humanity, and how God's plan continues to unfold is the greatest gift I have ever given myself. When I was 19 years old I was baptized again ~ not as Catholic or a Baptist or any other denominational name ~ but as a Christian...a follower of Christ. I know that the act of total immersion is completely symbolic. We are not "saved" through baptism. I did it because in the Bible we are told that God desires it. A baby does not have the capability of understanding that Christ's death on the cross took the punishment for all sin. Since the day that Bible was placed in my hand, I have never stopped reading, researching, and learning about the God of the Bible. I am not a religious fanatic. I don't try to convert people or go around hitting people over the head with my Bible. I don't even consider myself religious. I consider myself a Christian. My faith has pulled me through many bad times, and brought our family a few incredible miracles.
  20. We're not allowed to post links so I'm going to send you a link for an article about this topic from a Christian magazine. It doesn't give concrete answers, but it will give you more to consider. My husband and I celebrated our 40th anniversary this past summer. The only gift I wanted was a large framed photo of all of our grandkids. We have a huge, happy, hilarious family. But there was a time long ago when I sat at our kitchen table looking through the phone book for a divorce lawyer. Even though we're a "born again" bunch and biblically I had no grounds to end my marriage with the man I'd always called my Prince Charming, I was depressed, suffering from flashbacks and PTSD from an abusive, traumatic childhood, battling an eating disorder, and simply just wanted to escape from life. Escape is listed nowhere in the Bible as a God-blessed reason for legally leaving your husband and 4 kids, but at that time in my life I didn't care. When I look back on that day I am so relieved that the attorney I contacted never returned my call. Please give yourself some time. You may be surprised how your perspective changes when viewed from the distance of time. Since that miserable day I sat searching through the phone book I have made great strides in healing emotionally. Since you are here visiting this forum I assume you, like me, may have some emotional reasons to be here which may effect how you are viewing your marriage and life partner. As you heal, those views may also improve. Since that painful day I pondered divorce my husband and I have welcomed more adult children into our family as our own children have married. We have shared the incredible joy of greeting our grandchildren as we watch our own babies have babies. As you progress through life experiencing the wonderful, the sad, and the memorable moments with the person you chose to marry by your side, you'll find that a strong and special bond of love and friendship has gently and mysteriously wrapped the two of you in a wonderful embrace. Give yourself the time to grow something beautiful!
  21. I've read your post a few times and I'm not sure I understand. Do you think you have repressed memories (something I am very familiar with) that you are ready to confront?
  22. You're paying your therapist to help you discover what your problems are and help you work towards making your life better. If your therapist isn't doing that, it's time to find a new therapist. Of course a therapist can't just tell you what's wrong and how to fix it, but the two of you are supposed to work together to make this happen. It's not unusual to have to go through several therapists to find the one you "click" with.
  23. TRIGGER WARNING Not long after my breakdown I became good friends on a depression website (not this one) with a guy who constantly battled suicidal thoughts. This was during a time of my life when I lived with daily suicidal ideations. Late one night we happened to cross paths in a suicide thread when I was on the brink of following through with my plans. His obsession with ending his life actually played a big part with me hanging on to mine because I felt like he needed someone to encourage him to keep living. We bonded in the suicide forum over late night pity parties. It was a rather odd relationship! I thought it was amusing that my friend’s user name was RoyGBiv. Everyone I knew ~ including my 4 children ~ had learned the colors of the rainbow by being introduced to Roy G. Biv. What an unusual name choice for such a brooding, desperate guy! He had a terribly unhappy life and had absolutely no family or friends. He was a diabetic and had all sorts of diabetic-related health problems that kept him going in and out of the hospital. He was honest with me about being extremely overweight. He lived with chronic pain, which formed an immediate connection between us beyond our shared ponderings of suicide. Only another chronic pain sufferer is able to truly understand the agony of living with relentless pain every minute of every day. As Roy’s depression worsened, his messages to me became almost creepy as he became completely obsessed with thinking of a variety of ways to end his life. He was constantly ordering "supplies" from other countries off the Internet that he planned to use. He recommended books to me and sent me links to really horrible Internet sites. Everybody else on the forum disliked him because of his dark posts and ridiculous statements. I knew Roy needed help and encouraged him to find it, but I was just a faceless name that lived in his computer. He had no real people in his life that cared about him. It bothered Roy that I didn't need to plan or research to order "supplies" if I was going to follow through on my suicide plans. My pain medications fill a huge basket and most of them are potent narcotics. Every message Roy sent to me talked about how he was "going to do it" and that he "couldn't hang on another day" and that he was "totally giving up." I heard these threats several times a week for over a year. Since I was often in the same state of mind Roy was, I took these threats seriously. I shared my concerns about Roy with another friend on that forum. He told me that Roy was just bluffing because he liked the attention I gave him. The one thing that seemed to be holding Roy back was the fear that he would do an incomplete job and end up physically and/or mentally disabled or that he would be unsuccessful and would end up locked in a mental institution. He knew that I had traumatic experiences with being hospitalized involuntarily and that I could sympathize with his fear. One day I got an email from Roy telling me he just couldn't go on any longer. It was a message I had received from him many, many times before. His message came at a time when I was going through a bad time myself with physical pain. My son was graduating from high school the coming weekend and I was pushing myself to the limit getting ready for his huge graduation party ~ cleaning, shopping, cooking, decorating, and moving furniture. I had lists and lists of things to do and physically I was having a rough time. I didn't reply to Roy's message right away because I was hurting so badly myself that I didn't feel I could give him the same pep talk that I'd given him so many times before. Several days passed before I replied to his message. Evidently I had waited too long. I never heard from him again. I repeatedly sent him messages both by email and through personal messages on the forum, but he never replied. He also abruptly disappeared from that forum, never to be heard from again. He had never told me his real name or what state he lived in. The only information the forum administrators had for him was his email address, which I already had. He had no family or friends that would realize he was missing and could go check on him. I was devastated and overwhelmed with guilt. I'll never know if I had replied and encouraged him like I always did if he would have held on…but then I’ll never know for sure what happened. Maybe he just got angry at me that I ignored that last frantic message and stopped emailing me, although I doubt he would end our friendship over something like that. If he did finally do what he’d been threatening to do for over a year, I prayed that he would be missed from his place of employment and that sooner or later someone would go to his home and find him. In the years following Roy’s disappearance from my life I've gone through several almost-over-the-edge/I'm-going-to-do-it suicidal episodes. The same Internet friend that assured me Roy was just bluffing told me afterwards, "I knew you wouldn't do it." That “friend” was wrong. I really was going to do “it.” That "friend" and I rarely ever correspond any more. Thoughts of Roy have been circling like vultures overhead lately…scavengers waiting to pick through the remains of that friendship if I ever get around to pronouncing it dead. It’s been an extremely slow process, but I‘ve finally discerned the difference between what I thought was grief and what I knew was guilt…guilt that burned inside me and wouldn’t let me go. Webster’s College Dictionary defines guilt as "the state of one who has committed an offense especially consciously." The Dictionary of Psychology defines guilt as "An emotional state produced by the knowledge that one has violated moral standards." An article I read about guilt states, “The mind is full of despair and does not have any kind of hope to resolve the situation.” For years I’ve been hauling around this emotional baggage because I had waited to email Roy. With the weight from all of that guilt no wonder my disks are degenerating! But did I really commit this offense “especially consciously”? I’m on board with the hopeless despair, but if anyone violated moral standards here, it was Roy mixing his final cocktail. I’m finally ready to let go. I’m ready to release myself from this heavy guilt. The fire is over and I’m dealing with the ashes now. The vultures are free to land.
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