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rainingviolets

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rainingviolets last won the day on September 25 2017

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    safe in the arms of love
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    Family, eschatology, gardening, theology, chronic pain management, art, children’s issues, music, reading

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  1. I have never used a dating app but my son did. He met a lovely young woman who is now my daughter-in-law and the mother of 4 of my grandchildren. I think it was a great idea!
  2. I'm probably not the person you want to hear medication drama from, but it has a somewhat happy ending. Back in the day when we used to communicate I was drugged to the max. I was one of the fortunate chronic pain patients that doctors weren't afraid to help before the oxycotin and fentanyl crisis hit. After we stopped writing I was loaded with even more drugs. At one point there were 18 prescriptions bottles on the kitchen counter, and that didn't include the high dose fentanyl patch I wore. I had tried for years to get my doctor to take me off the fentanyl patch, but she was always concerned I would morph back into that suicidal, pathetic, eating-disordered creature writhing in pain and problems and PTSD she'd been presented with years previously. She'd rescued me from the pit with her prescriptions pad! What if she took away their magic? You want to see people freak out? Tell them you're legally addicted to fentanyl. They will immediately treat you like a street junkie. When I would casually mention I also had medically-approved prescriptions for stuff like Extra-strength Vicodin, they'd just about choke on their spit. Enter our state's new law about primary care physicians not prescribing narcotics. Oops. My doctor had to refer me to a pain management specialist simply to get the meds renewed that I'd been taking for years. Thus began my visits to a long line of assorted clowns who were granted the title "doctor" probably because they graduated last in their medical school class. The "good" thing that came out of that Adventure In Torture was that I was told repeatedly with shocked faces and tense voices, "I can't prescribe you THAT!" I was also told that dying cancer patients weren't prescribed fentanyl patches at doses as high as mine were. Then why were they made? Who needs pain relief more than someone who is dying? But I digress...At this point the decision was made for me to detox off fentanyl. This is a rather amusing story that illustrates the total ineptitude of certain pain specialists, but that would cause me to digress again, which I won't. As my regular doctor has said for years, I have a non-addictive personality and, even though I'd been medically hooked on fentanyl for 18 years, we parted ways with relative ease and minimum discomfort. Here's where it gets good. Very slowly, after I'd completed withdrawal, I realized I was experiencing a new sensation I hadn't felt in years. What was it called? Oh yes! Thinking! What had been diagnosed as fibro fog or brain fog from my fibromyalgia dissipated. Colors looked brighter. My family said my mood was better and I seemed happier. And for the first time in a long time I could sincerely say I enjoyed my life. The trade-off, of course, was the horrible increase in pain. I was told I'd become so acclimated to the drug that it was probably no longer effective at reducing pain. They were wrong about that. I don't care. I'm learning to push through the pain and be a fairly active grandma. Then I considered, if taking away one drug improved my mental outlook so much, maybe I needed to start whittling away at those 18 bottles. I've gotten rid of a few. Many my doctor and doctor daughter say are necessary. I've taken a break but I'm determined to get rid of more of those bottles. I am not saying that medications are wrong. I fully agree with my doctor that the pitiful woman she encountered almost 20 years ago wouldn't be where she is today without those meds. She had to tone down the physical pain to uncover the explosive buried emotional pain...which required more meds...while more pesky physical problems would pop up...and then more ugly emotional garbage. We juggled specialists as often as we did meds! For now, though, many have served their purpose. I know how much medications can help get us from a place of pain and frustration to a place of healing. I hope you can find what works best for you. It's so strange to feel like I have a functioning mind again. I didn't realize it was so far gone until I was gifted it back again. We can't recapture those years we've lost, Dewayne. I've realized I lost a big chunk of my life...an important part. At some point we need to put the past behind. For me that not only included almost 20 years of being emotionally and physically handicapped, but my entire childhood and well into my adult life as a part of a dysfunctional, abusive family. Excuse me while I get just a little churchy with you: Several years ago the emotional pain from my birth family was almost crippling. Emotionally I could no longer handle the flashbacks, the curiosity about the years of repressed memories, the horror of what I could remember, and the current pain those people continued to inflict on me. I went through a very visual mental exercise of walking up to the Cross and leaving all of those people and dumping all of that garbage and ugly baggage at the foot of the Cross. Then I visualized myself leaving it all there and walking away. I have never looked back. -mary
  3. I'm not sure what you mean by "radical Christian." If you're worried your son is involved in a cult, that's definitely something to be concerned about. If you mean legalism, that's not harmful, but it's not exactly beneficial to him either. That's more a matter of choice. Radical can also mean how passionate you believe in something. While I don't witness on street corners, hit people over the head with my Bible, shout at passersby to repent from my rooftop, or push my beliefs on people who aren't interested, I consider myself passionate about my faith. Am I radical about it? I read my Bible and pray daily, consider myself a born again Christian, and am a member of a nondenomenational evangelical church. To some people that would make me radical, but I'm definitely not dangerous (except perhaps to a particular polical party - am allowed to say that?!) It all depends on your perspective. You don't mention how old your son is. That would also be a factor. Is he old enough, wise enough, and aware enough to think through what he believes and why he believes it, or could he use a little guidance? As young children, my own children were raised in the beliefs their dad and I share. However, I always told them that when they were ready, if they ever had questions about different religions or churches, we would get them the answers and even attend one of those churches with them if they were curious. I told them that it didn't matter what the sign said in front of the building. The important thing was doctrine. Children learn through their questioning and curiosity. While my kids were growing up we had many incredible discussions about faith, religion, the Bible, and those debates and discussions continue to this day. I consider that a great thing. Start a friendly dialog with your son.
  4. There's a little addendum I'd like to add to my story. I have a brother who lives on the other side of the country from where I live. Except for exchanging Christmas cards with a couple of my siblings (with only our names signed) there is virtually no communication among the family any more. This brother bullied and abused me during my entire childhood. Yesterday I received an email from him. It was a newsy message about his life, but there was one hateful paragraph devoted to our father. Our dad passed away many years ago. My brother is now an old man at the end of his life. How very sad that after all this time he is still surrounding himself in a dark cocoon of misery over circumstances that happened decades ago. I had many family abusers. He had only one. I gave myself the gift of healing by giving myself permission to leave those toxic people in the past and move forward. Those traumatic years rarely cross my mind any more. I enjoy my life. Paul says in the book of Philippians, "I have learned the secret of being content in every situation." (NIV) I never thought I'd get here! I doubt my brother ever will. Give yourself that gift!
  5. It may seem like you have a mixed bag of complicated issues, but I think you'll find once you get to know people here that many of us are in similar circumstances. Many of us are dealing with emotional, physical, social, relationship, and family problems. Quite honestly, when I showed up here many years ago I was a total mess with a boatload of issues. This website was a busy, thriving community back then and I credit the friendships I formed, the kindness I was shown, the helpful words and advice extended to me, and simply having a place to go to "hang out" when I was feeling extra down to the progress I made. I have been in and out of here through the years. I've changed my username several times. I've started and deleted many blogs. But even though things are quieter and slower here now, I always find my way back. All of that to say: give this place and these people a chance to give you a little direction. Sonetimes all you need is an ear to listen, a little kindness, and a new friend to get you started down the right path. ❤
  6. I can't believe you wrote this in May and I'm just just seeing it now. I pop in and out of DF but never think to check the blogs. All of our good friends from years past are long gone from here so I never expected you to be visiting your blog. I've changed my username several times so I don't remember what you knew me by...was it cookiecrumbs? You knew my real name is Mary and that I'm married with 4 kids who I used to love writing about. They are now grown up and have made me a grandmother 10 (almost 11!) times. I deleted my blog years ago, started another one under a different name a couple of different times, and deleted those also. The change in this place is so incredibly sad! It used to be such a thriving community of good, close friends. I appreciated all of you so much back then when I was struggling so badly. We had such good talks and shared so much. Those were special friendships. After Joanna left things started changing. It sounds like you were going through another rough spell when you were writing last spring. I am so sorry! You've lost so many people in your life you were close to. I remember you and I had chronic pain in common. I pray that you are at least doing better physically. I miss your trademark Deebear humor that often found its way into your writing - no screw-up fairy? Or wasn't that her name? I also wonder if you are still the exotic plant man with the wonderful green thumb for growing gardening wonders. Life started to improve for me when I banished my toxic, abusive, dysfunctional birth family from my life. I still live with several chronic pain issues, but I've learned to adjust and accept that they will always be a part of my life. My strong faith has helped me conquer most of my emotional problems, but I still struggle with the effects of PTSD and repression/flashbacks. My eating disorder rears it's ugly head now and then and that dance begins again, but it comes and goes. The depression and suicidal thoughts have been gone for several years, and for that I am sincerely grateful. I know that my greatest blessings are my husband, my children, their spouses, and our ever- growing tribe of grandchildren. The youngest is barely 2 weeks old and she is a charmer! I hope you stop back in and see this. You truly will be in my thoughts and prayers! -mary
  7. Today I talked to a friend that I haven't seen in almost 30 years.
  8. "What did you think the last days were going to be like? A picnic?" - Jan Markell
  9. Nothing. My eating disorder is raging and I'm dancing with dragon once more.
  10. As a survivor from a toxic, abusive, dysfunctional family I think you are asking the wrong question. The question shouldn't be "Is this an apology?" Your question should be "Will allowing this person back into my life be healthy for me or improve my life?" Only you can answer that question. Before you answer it please think your response through carefully with both your heart AND your head. ❤
  11. Of course you're allowed to feel depressed! You're at an age when everything in your life is getting extra complicated and confusing. You have big questions and aren't sure who to ask them to or if they even have answers. The next few years may be rough for you. That's why it is excellent that you are identifying now that you may have a problem with depression so you can get help. If you are self harming, then you also need to recognize that is also a problem you need to deal with now before it gets worse. My teen years were traumatic, and it saddens me when I hear about any young person experiencing emotional pain during those years. Coming here to ask questions and reach out was a great first step. People here understand what you are going through. Talking helps. Are your parents or is anyone in your family aware you are struggling? Is there a close friend, trusted teacher, school counselor, or family member you could talk to? Have you tried keeping a journal to write your feelings out? Continue to come here and talk to us.
  12. This is the best answer yet. After college, I escaped my dysfunctional, abusive family by marrying and moving to another state. Distance did nothing from keeping my toxic, narcisstic father and the rest of my abusive family from poisoning my life. It was only until I refused to allow them to do to my children what they continued to do to me that I pulled the plug and stopped all visits and communication. At first I felt like a horrible person, but then my emotional healing began. Over the next several years life improved for me dramatically. After my mother's death, my father remarried and I slowly allowed myself to re-enter that family. Nothing had changed. It was just as toxic and abusive as ever. My father was still the King of Narcissists. What had changed was me. Fortunately, I quickly recognized that the problem was them and not me. Their horrible words and behavior this time didn't destroy me. I don't need those people in my life. Once again, I freed myself from my toxic family. The legacy I leave to my children is that, at least within our family unit, I broke the generational chain of abuse, toxicity, and narcissism. Do what is best for your emotional healing.
  13. No problem...I became a grandmother (again) late last night to a gorgeous princess so I am immensely happy and all is well in my world. There is absolutely nothing like being a grandparent- it is the best! Baby Hope (isn't that name great?) is #10. #11 is due later this fall. My life has been difficult, but I am blessed.
  14. Don't base how you feel today on how you expect to feel five or ten years from now. Depression is not a life sentence. I have experienced more than one deeply disturbing depressive episode in my life. Mine were caused due to genetics, PTSD from a traumatic childhood, chronic pain, years of living with an eating disorder, and working in a stressful environment. My last horrific episode was 15 years ago which almost ended in suicide. The only reason I survived was because of a bargain I made with God, and He came through in a big way. I don't recommend tempting The Almighty. I was definitely not smart, but thankfully I am still here today. I say thankfully because my life today looks absolutely nothing like that shattered life of 15 years ago. I still live with chronic pain, PTSD, bad genetics, and the effects of that eating disorder, although I did resign from that stressful job. What essentially changed was ME - my outlook, my perspective. It took time. It took medication. It took my family. It took me taking advantage of all the tools available to heal. Give yourself the gift of time. Take advantage of therapy, medication, and whatever else is recommended. Be good to yourself and give yourself some grace. It gets better!
  15. I said almost that exact same thing to the person who patiently witnessed the Truth to me for many, many months as I argued and debated her faith with her. There had been others before her that had tried to convince me and I had ridiculed them, also. She was not only patient, but she also attended the Catholic church with me every Sunday so we could discuss everything. I had grown up in an abusive, dysfunctional family. My friend often brought me into her loving, Christian family. They didn't hit me over the head with their Bibles or radically try to convert me. They loved me through their words and actions. I saw something different in their lives that I wanted so desperately. Not surprisingly, my friend's name is "Joy." Her family bought me the very first Bible I ever owned - at the age of 19 years old. In the quiet of my dorm room, all by myself, I made the decision that completely changed my life. It took me a long time to get there! I fought and struggled! But I have never looked back and never regretted it. A huge part of that decision was recognizing that sin came into the world through Adam and Eve and that is why suffering exists in the world. I recognized that ALL people are sinful - even the kindest, nicest, sweetest men and women I know - are imperfect, sinful people and are unworthy of heaven. God had a super easy, perfect plan for each and every one of us to achieve Paradise and eternal life. It is His free gift to the world. As Biblical prophecy is rapidly fulfilled and the world crumbles around us, mankind should be grasping on to this gift more than ever. I could give you lots of Scripture verses to back up what I've said, but you don't believe the Bible so there wouldn't be much point. The rules of this forum would also object to it. It would surely be exciting to be able to discuss eschatology and all that has come to pass just as foretold by the prophets centuries ago, especially recently. I can't quote the Bible here, but maybe quoting a well-known author is allowed: "For there to be revival and restoration, there must be repentance. And for there to be repentance, there must be a decision." - Jonathan Cahn, The Paradigm Because of my decision I know if I die tonight I will immediately see my Savior in heaven. I also have absolute assurance that if the rapture occurs today or tomorrow I will be taken out of this sinful world and not have to endure the horrors of the Tribulation. Why would anyone choose anything else? Also, an additional thought about your sweet grandparents. My father was the cruelest, meanest, most narcissistic man ever. He was also a Catholic in name only and was quite an atheist. I won't be at all surprised if my #1 abuser is waiting to welcome me into heaven. Why? We don't know what decisions our loved ones make in their final moments. We have a loving, merciful Savior. Even at the last moment, if someone repents and asks forgiveness, the Lord is waiting with outstretched arms. When faced with the reality of an eternity in a hell they are uncertain exists, would it be too far to consider that there are a lot of last second conversions?
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