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rainingviolets last won the day on September 25 2017

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About rainingviolets

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    safe in the arms of love
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    Family, eschatology, gardening, theology, chronic pain management, art, children’s issues, music, reading

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  1. Worst fear - something terrible happening to one of my children or grandchildren. I don't care what happens to me.
  2. You should also consider, at least for another day or so, that there might be some "thing" happening in his life that is taking priority over him replying to you. Especially if he is dealing with depression, juggling more than one ball might be too much for him to handle. If something else has come up he may need to focus on that before he can deal with your text. I'm not trying to make excuses for him, but he could have a stressor at work, an issue with a good friend, a sick dog that needed to go to the vet, a problem with his extended family, etc. If his depression is bad, it wouldn't even need to be a big "thing" to get him rattled. Your text does require him to give you a reply, even just to show decent manners, but just to give him the benefit of the doubt, I think you should give him another day before you totally doubt him.
  3. This is a topic that is debatable. I view my eating disorder very much like alcoholism. Over the decades I have successfully stepped away from it during my four pregnancies, when some unknown trigger causes me to start eating again, and during times of great illness. Just as quickly, like an alcoholic taking that first drink, I slip back into it and begin the dance again. That is why I call my disorder Dancing With the Dragon. I've stopped and started the dance several times, like an alcoholic in recovery who falls off the wagon again and again. I love the dance. A few years ago I was horrified when my doctor told me I had destroyed my metabolism by all my excessive starvation. I was devastated. My world revolved around the numbers on the scale. For the next few years as I was dealing with many physical disorders that caused me to spiral into a new life of chronic pain, I began a new dance with a different kind of monster. My focus on existing with chronic pain was so intense that several years passed before I realized that my metabolism had somehow "fixed" itself. I am now trying to be extremely careful with the starvation part of this eating disorder. I know how easy it would be to put on those dancing shoes and start that marvelous dance with the Dragon once again. It's a bit more difficult to hide because I see my doctor regularly because of my pain issues. I'm also concerned about damaging my already-fragile metabolism. Right now, in the early stages of the dance, it's going to be difficult for you to stop without outside help, an outside trigger prompting you to stop, or some kind of motivation in your life (mine was always a pregnancy) causing you to eat normally again. Message me if you want to discuss this deeper.
  4. When you're living in the middle of it all it's diificult - almost impossible - to hear these remarks and react objectively. I grew up in a dysfunctional, abusive home where the insults were pretty horrendous. My dad would say, "you won't amount to a row of outhouses" or "you'te not worth the dynamite to blow you up." As the youngest of 8, my siblings were also allowed to bully and abuse me. By time I reached college I was an anorexic, emotional mess. It wasn't until I became a parent I realized that I would never ever say anything bullying or abusive to my precious children and I would never stand by while someone else did it. You are their son! You should be the most precious gift they have ever been blessed with! Whether or not you are meeting their expectations is irrelevant. We wanted our son to study engineering. He wanted to study something we felt was a poor choice. It didn't exactly meet our expectations. We encouraged him in his choice because it was his passion. That's what parents do. They love their children unconditionally. I didn't understand that until I became a parent. You are young and struggling with depression. Depression will tell you to tune in and believe those abusive insults. Try really hard to tune them out. I had a breakdown years later that had its foundation in that abusive home. Try to be strong. Practice as much self care as you can. Write out positive affirmations and read them to yourself to combat the negative comments you hear at home. Come here and get positive reinforcement. We care. Edit to add - our son later changed his major on his own. He now has a degree in the field of his passion, along with an MBA and a fantastic job.
  5. You are not a bad person. So many of us think that when we come through a bad situation that those bad circumstances make us a bad person. It took me a very long time to realize that my ugly breakdown did not make me a bad person. That ugly day was the result of years of trauma and abuse that as a child I had no control over. I had made some bad choices as a result of those abusive, traumatic years, but as a broken, shattered person I was floundering, trying to survive. I beat myself up over that emotional breakdown...I hadn't been strong enough to hold myself together... I had put my family through so much pain and humiliation. I'm tired of carrying around the "bad" label because of what other people did to me and the subsequent circumstances. Don't take on that bad label. You are a survivor. Be proud of what you've overcome.
  6. Hide In Your Shell by Supertramp
  7. JD4010 - The main thing I got from your post is that you are very good at your job and what you do. You're a manager - a person of authority and someone who must perform well to maintain that position. "Constantly being called into action" means you know your job, you do what is expected of you, and you do it well. You've worked there for 31 years and 10 as manager - wow! Congratulations! That would look great on a resume. Your family must be so proud of you, and if your daughter isn't grateful, she should be. I know none of this makes your job easier or makes you like it better, but at least it gives you plenty to be proud of. Maybe thinking about these things will help your anxiety? I listened to my husband complain about his job for over 40 yesrs. He finally retired in December and the people he worked with gave him a wonderful retirement party. His job had been extremely stressful and for most of those years he had worked 7 days a week for over 10 hours a day. Hallelujah! Well, ever since he left they've been calling with questions and asking for his advice. Last Monday one of the company bigwigs called and asked him to return to work on a "special project." I was certain he would turn it down. I was wrong. He had been missing the job he hated for over 40 years. His mind missed "working on all those big projects and solving all those complex problems." Good grief!
  8. Your problem right now is that with the starvation dieting along with the binging and purging and then going back to the starvation dieting again, you have completely messed up your metabolism. This happened to me at one point during my decades with anorexia. My doctor told me my metabolism had completely stopped working and would never recover. Fortunately, at least for me, after several months of normal, sensible eating my metabolism suddenly recovered and I began dropping weight again. As someone with a deeply ingrained anorexic mindset, it's a battle for me not sabotage myself by returning to my old ways.
  9. It is concerning enough that other people in your life are worried about your weight loss, but the fact that YOU are concerned is enough of a reason for you to be careful. You used the word "obsession". That is a red flag. Since this has just been a few months you have time to get things under control before you allow yourself to spiral completely out of control. This is something you need to take charge of before it consumes your life. If this is something that you need outside help with, please consider talking with your doctor or a counselor. The longer you wait, the more damage will be done to your body and the harder it wiil be to take back control. Trust me - this is a disorder I know well.
  10. Hendricksbrock, There are two completely separate things that happened during my teenage years that tormented me for decades. These things I did were not horrific or criminal and in no way hurt any one else. They were the silly, definitely stupid actions, of a young girl who had always been held up to the standards of perfection. I never got caught. If I had been, except for a lot of humiliation as well as parental abuse, I'm not sure how much, if any, trouble I would have been in. Ever since then I have punished myself for over four decades for those two small events in my life. I've cried, lost sleep, wailed my deepest penances to God, and even beaten my fists against the floor in remorse. I simply could not forgive myself for these two transgressions. I was a good girl who wasn't supposed to do any shade of stupid or "bad" thing. Through the years of raising four children and as grandchildren began to bless my life, the pain of these "sins" grew worse. I felt like an imposter - marauding as the saintly president of the Academic Boosters, keeping the books as the treasurer of the Parent/Teacher Association, and planning Valentine parties for the second graders while I was harboring the black secret of my two crimes. One day, I couldn't handle the stress any more and decided it was time to come clean. Tilting my head forward, I let my long hair fall over my face so my best friend could not see my tears. Choking on my words I spilled out the terrible story of what I had done all those years ago. As I sat there expecting her to walk out in disgust, my ears heard laughter...lots and lots of giggles and laughter. I jerked my head up. She loved my "story." She did not think less of me, in fact she shared some of her "silly and stupid" acts of her youth. Of course she had never tormented herself over them as I had. We had an incredibly wonderful talk that afternoon about how we each view ourselves...about our need for self forgiveness and self care...about how we are willing to be gentle with others but won't show ourselves that same kindness. The talk we shared that day opened my eyes not only to how hard I had been treating myself for years over two insignificant, childish acts, but how hard I was on myself for a lot of things...including things I have no control over. I encourage you to practice more self care...to be more gentle with yourself...and to show yourself more kindness.
  11. Since becoming a Christian I have been blessed to be on the receiving end of personally incredible miracles brought about through the faithful prayers of many believers as well as my own desperate pleas. A couple of these are medically documented through test results, ultrasound photos, etc. I have a daughter nicknamed by the medical community The Miracle Baby. I was a believer before these miracles, but they certainly have helped cement my faith. Even though I suffer with chronic pain, PTSD, and many physical and emotional disorders, my faith in a loving God who has a purpose and a plan for my life never wavers. (I sure wish I was allowed to back that up with my favorite Scriptures!) However, I spent years empty, depressed, searching, doubting, and questioning. We are each on our own journey. I certainly understand why others doubt my kind of faith.
  12. You need to be concerned about your own self care. It sounds as if he's manipulating you to do what he wants by using his depression and threatening suicide if you don't give in to what he wants...it's almost like he's emotionally abusing you by trying to make you feel guilty about his emotional problems. That is not love and it certainly is not a healthy relationship. Do you think his therapist would condone this behavior? You need to consider your own emotional health.
  13. For a long time I felt the same way you do about both of my parents. Unfortunately, becoming a mother or father is not like becoming a doctor or an accountant. Anyone can become one without any training, education, or skill. My parents were abusive, had 8 children, and created a pathetically dysfunctional family. I have discovered, just as many people have, that family doesn't have to come through blood. Many of us form bonds with friends that soon become as close as a sister or brother. When I married my husband, his parents soon became like real parents to me. My mother-in-law was the one who taught me how to cook a roast, care for my new baby, and was there to help me grieve the loss of a child. Likewise, my father-in-law was the "daddy" I never had and the grandfather I always wanted for my own children. Don't lose heart. We never know where we might meet the person who will become our substitute parent or sibling.
  14. Mark, I am a long time DF member who has changed my user name several times. Sometimes I pop in for many weeks..sometimes just for an evening and don't return again for months. This is a place I've always felt comfortable. I've shared this story here many times. I have lived with chronic pain for years, along with PTSD and a long list of physical and emotional disorders. My birth family was abusive and dysfunctional. About five years ago, like you, I simply had enough. It was not only for myself that I knew the time had come to make my exit. My wonderful husband was showing the signs of the strain and stress of living with a sick crazy lady. My grown children no longer allowed me near my grandchildren and wanted nothing to do with me. They were annoyed, frustrated, and embarassed with me. I had spent my life devoted to all of them. I had nothing, absolutely nothing, left to live for. I took my time, just like you are, and carefully thought it through. I am woman of deep faith, so I also spent a great deal of time in prayer searching for God's will. When I was certain it was the right thing to do and had an incredibly peaceful heart about the matter, I set a date and made my plans for a time when I would be alone. It was important to me that absolutely not one of the people I loved would interupt, disturb, or in any way stumble upon what was happening. I made a "bargain" with God. I want to keep all of this vague not to violate the DF rules, but essentially the plans I made protected and shielded my loved ones. If I was making a huge mistake, I told God to disturb my plans, knowing there was absolutely no way He could without intervening in a fantastic way. He intervened fantastically and early. Today my life is incredibly wonderful and I am infinitely grateful that I am here to actively participate in the lives of all my grandchildren and children. My husband and I have a lovely marriage and have been married almost 44 years. I still live with horrible chronic pain, PTSD, and a mixed bag of emotional and physical disorders. But I am a happy, thankful woman who is grateful that, even though I was peacefully positive I was meant to take my life five years ago, it never happened and I'm still here today to enjoy every day. Please consider that even though you have carefully thought this through, those are the issues as they exist TODAY. Take a quick look at how fast our world changes! Medical breakthroughs, technological advancements, legal changes. How your life looks now may be drastically different in a very short time. Please give yourself the gift of time. I am so glad I did!
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