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Ironborn

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  1. First of all. I know people might judge me, and i understand if you do. but pls bear in mind that deep inside i feel i am a loving and caring person. i just was not aware of this back in the days. I am so full with guilt and shame right now, i wish i would not be on this planet. I used to be abused as a child by my mother, either mentally and physical. Our mother was a alcoholic with serious mental issues, she also was raped when she was a child. She and my dad divorced when i was 4 yrs old. My mother did not work, and all the money she had she would spent at a bar for alcohol. A lot of the times she would leave me and my little brother locked up alone in the apartment. I was only like 4-7 yrs old! We had no food in the house, and due to lack of money we were cut off from gas, electricity etc. She did not took us to school. i guess i went to school like once a week maybe? some days i would eat cat or dog food because there was no food in the house, i had to take care for my little brother at a very young age. Also i was sort of 'forced' or talked into sexual activities by children who were the same age as me (6-8 yrs old) this happened on 2 occasions. the first time was when my niece slept over at our house, i was 6yrs old i guess, and she was 7 or 8. and suddenly she asked me to touch her private parts, i did not want this, but i still did. the second time was when my father had a new girlfriend and her son (he was 1 year younger then me) i was about 10 yrs i guess, he asked me to touch his private parts as well, he also asked me to do some kind of an oral activity. i guess this messed me up a lot when i was a kid. I was taken away from my mother btw when i was 8 years old together with my little brother who was 4. I am ashamed to tell that due to these 'sexual' confrontations on a young age, i guess i thought it was somewhat normal. and have to confess that i did sexual activities with my little brother as well. i was 10 -11 i guess. we then used to lay on top of each other (naked) and would move back and forth. there was no penetration, touching private parts or oral activities involved btw. just moving back and forth on top of each other. I still feel VERY guilty for this until this very day, i talked to my little brother about it, and he says he cannot remember. He told me that even if he could remember he would not be mad ad me because of the way we were raised by our mother. My mother would also sort of scare me and my little brother a lot. she told us bedtime stories. but always stories about people or monsters who would m***** or hurt me if i did bad things etc. i think she meant it in a good way somewhat? but it only got me scared at the time. she also told me that i always talked about how much i hated my father....? But i could not recall myself saying such things.. i mean i was just like 6 yrs old??? how could i talk about 'hating my dad' ? while i actually loved him, and could not wait seeing him again. I guess my mother tried to make me hate my father by telling me i always said i hated him. pretty f** up game she played with a young kid like me i guess right? after i got placed at my father's i went to a new school. Which was actually new for me in all ways because my mother never brought me to school. so i missed school from my 5th till my 8th i think. and i was way behind other kids at school. educational and social. I became a troublesome kid, who bullied a lot and was very confused. i began pulling out my eye leashes and ate them. also started pulling hair from my head, and did not knew that was wrong. I had all those kinds of strange habits which now i know are ridiculous. I had almost no friends at school, and except from being a bully i was a very scared kid also, and always thought people would wanna hit me for no reason. I created this fantasy world, where i thought everyone and everything on this planet existed because of me, that everything was here to be a part of my life, as if i was the only REAL person alive and everything else was fake. I really don't know why i had these crazy thoughts and fantasies, but i did. the older i got the more i began to see the real world, but the pain and confusion still were there. I bullied kids on high school, but also got bullied by other kids. When i became older i joined the military and went to Afghanistan. i had a very rough tour where i almost got killed, after my tour i got treated for that. Also my my stepmother became sick 2 years ago (lung cancer). and i became a bit down. in the meantime i had a gf. and we lived together, we were engaged. But i was starting to become a mess inside my head, and made a mistake one night at a bar and kissed another girl. i felt EXTREMELY guilty, and eventually confessed it to my gf. she was very upset but decided she wanted to stay with me, and we still got married a couple of months later. the marriage was a bit of sweet and sour because my stepmother died a month before our marriage, and my father decided to not come due to some family issues. so i felt abandoned. The idea that both my biological parents still lived but neither of them came to my marriage due to (my mother who abused me) and my father who did not come due to his personal issues with other family members was very hurtful to me. For the 10000th time i felt left alone. Ever since the thing with the other girl happened (kiss) and my stepmother(s) sickness combined with my messed up mental state due to my childhood i became severely depressed with serious suicidal thoughts. i was SO DEPRESSED at my own wedding i felt guilty towards everyone who came. Ever since this guilt / depression kicked in i feel guilty for all my sins i ever had. i feel like i am responsible for all my mistakes (and i am). but i don't know how to forgive myself. i know i am a changed person right now. i became very sensitive and caring, and have a lot of empathy towards others. I started thinking about all the wrongs i did. and one of them which controls my life right now is how i mistreated my dog. not like kicking and punching. but i used to pull the leash very hard until he gagged, one night he choked on a piece of bone and he kept trying to swallow it, so i kinda sorta choked him so the bone would not go any further, and it worked it got out. but somehow ever since i became fascinated with him gagging on food, and so some times i would sort of choke him until he gagged and then i let go, i found it funny..... at times i even sort of pushed the 'stick' further into his throat while he was chewing on it, so he would gag but afterwards i always felt like what i did was bad. Another time i was walking him, and i wondered if he could swim, so i sorta got him half in the water and he started peddling very hard, i started to laugh but did not let him go under water and took him out real quick. And then there is another thing, always when i was busy cooking in the kitchen he would come sit besides of me and beg for food. so i got tired from it and threw some grounded black pepper at him. and that made him sneeze and squeezed his eyes. this to i have done multiple times. furthermore i knew he was scared of the bubble 'plastic' the plastic they seal some goods with. so when ever i received goods trough mail i would sometimes pop those little bubbles on purpose to scare him. sure there are other things i did to bully him but right now i am so ashamed. why would i do that? i just cannot get my mind to the fact that someone (ME????) would so such things to a dog or any other animal. Is this considered animal abuse? animal cruelty? or was i just a bully? i love(d) the dog very much. but had these weird tendencies of bullying it sometimes..... am i sick? the dog died last year due to his age (15) but had already been with another family member since 2 years ago, due to allergic reactions from my wife. i wish i could just see the dog one more time and hug and cuddle him, and apologize. i cry everyday for him. i feel his pain, i know how scared he sometimes must have been, because i was like that exactly as a kid. 1 year ago i got 2 kittens and i love them to death.i would NEVER hurt em or bully them i just really could not neither mentally or physical. they are like my baby's, i pick them up every day on several occasions and tickle their head(s) and belly's until they fall a sleep in my arm. I always get such a satisfied feeling knowing they feel so safe when they are with me, but that is also what makes me so sad, because i wish i could have given that to the dog if he were here right now. don't mistake me i did a lot of nice things with the dog as well, gave him a lot of nice stuff. cuddled with him talked with him. layed together on the couch and all that kind of stuff. I always took him on the couch with me to watch horror movies (because i actually am scared quick lol) and i always loved his company....but then again i also mistreated him..... right now i just don't know what to do anymore, i try to live my life the fullest, but i just can't. Knowing the things i did it just makes me remind every time i enjoy something that i don't deserve that. HOW CAN SUCH AN AWE FULL PERSON LIKE ME DESERVE TO ENJOY HIMSELF??? Is that a sick persons mind? I feel like i am not worth living, and others would be better off if i was dead. i seriously feel like if i would commit suicide that would make everything right what i did.
  2. Thank you so much for ur reply. I do think so that my wife has her own issues. But i just cannot seem to feel to bad about them. its like when someone hurts me hit hurts me less then when i hurt someone else... Furthermore.. yesterday i once again had a talk with my wife. and i tried to explain to her that im trying to be honest about everything, but that i always come up with stuff after we have talked. Just like now. I told her yesterday into quite a detailed story what has happened online. you would think that would relieve me.. but no i immediatly start searching inside my head for other things that i could have done wrong in the past. and i immediatly start concentrating on that thing only.. just so obsessive!! It feels like i have very compulsive thinking. alot of the times the thoughts dont feel like they come from me but someone who is forcing those thoughts upon me... This makes me feel like that i can confess and talk forever without ever feeling satisfied... i even start feeling guilty for things that happend years ago... things that dont matter.. like when my wife asked me if i fed the dog and i told her yes but it actually was no.... I say sorry for the most ridicilous things nowadays... and i think that is what keeps me feeling guilty the whole day long. i feel like everything i do i need to make excuse's for. Am i going crazy? Am i some sort of psychopath ??? I really dont know what to do. and my counseling group does not either... I feel like i am doomed for life.. becouse of what i have done in the past. Im so sorry!!!! :verysad3:
  3. Well so... about a week ago.. i did finally confess about the pictures that were send towards my email. Initially i felt relieved. and ofcourse my wife felt sad. but she was glad i told her the truth. But now about a week later im all in the same cycle again. just becouse after the talk last week ive been wondering if ive told the whole truth... This is how the story with the pictures went: I went online looking for pictures in the first place. no chatting or whatsoever, eventually i ended up on this sort of dating(ish) site. and before i knew i was chatting with several woman. at some point one of them offered to send me some pics an i agreed. (none of them knew who i was or what i looked like). se had sent me the pics and after a week or so my wife found out about them. at the time i told her a lie and told her they were just from some 18+ website. in the same period the other thing happenend as i have explained in my opening post, the kiss with the girl from the bar. That event had spooked the hell out of me and i erased all connection i had with the girl online becouse of the guilt from both actions. But after all these things i just became so confused, i became severly depressed and did not knew what to do in live anymore. but becouse at some point i did liked the attention it sort of made me forget about my depression while chatting with other girls, so the power to resist such websites faded away... So eventually i went online again. but this time no pictures were being transferred. just chatting and a bit of flirting (without knowing eacht others name, face etc). Until this one girl came by and she had send me some pics of her. (not nude) just some normal pics. But afterwards the guilt got me and i deleted it all again. This whole circle of ( going online -> chatting/flirting -> guilt -> leaving -> cant resisit anymore -> again going online - > chatting/flirting -> guilt -> leaving ) Went on and on for about a couple of months. BUT never did i ever receved nude pics anymore exept that first and only time. PS: I need to tell that None of these girls ever received a single pic from me or knew who i was. i was complete anonymous Last week i decided i had to tell my wife the truth and so i did tell her about it. BUT i feel like i have not been completly honest ????? I told her this: That i had been chatting online on some sort of 18+ / dating site with several woman and i had received nude pics from 2 woman ( instead of 1 wich actually is the truth). i hoped by telling her that the second girl who had send me normal pics were nude pictures, i would punish my self enough so the guild would go away..., i sort of made it worse then it actually was! Also i told her both girls who send me those pics were in the same period (about a year ago). but actually the second girl who did NOT send me nude pics, (but i told she did). sended me those pictures a couple of months ago. but i told her that just in a sort of state of anxiety... i was so anxious at the moment when i was confessing, that i did not really thought about how i was telling my story. So i now feel TERRIBLE Guilty for not telling her that the time of the second girl was actually later then the first one....... I know it sounds stupid... becouse i even made the thing even more worse by telling she had sent me nude pics (wich she did not). and you would think that would weigh up againt not telling the real date of the second one..... but i just cannot stop thinking about it. Also my wife told me after the convo that if there ws anything else i had to tell her, i had to tell her right at that moment. if i would come uo with other stuff later on she would be gone she told me. But i really can say that these 2 things (the kiss & the online chatting thing). are the only actions there have been taking place. If i would tell her right now that i did not told her the whole truth last week, she would freak out, and seriously she would gonna leave me. not becouse of what actually DID happen. but becouse she will think that i lied AGAIN! ( wich i did not do on purpose, but just in an anxiety state of mind ). Someone got some advice? Should i really feel so terrible guilty about this? while i eventually confessed even worse stuff then that actually happened. I hace disconected all things with the online website and have been offline longer then ive done before. and have not felt the slightest tempation to rejoin that wbsite again. Plzz help... i need some advice on how to deal with this.... prior to last week i began feeling suicidal... and now i can feel it popping up again sometimes!!! Im in a serious mind-**** crisis thing right now!! :verysad3:
  4. Hey friend, think of your father, how he will feel if you **** yourself. Stick to your therapy. You will feel better in some time. And I believe that every problem has solution, in this world. Have a nice day.. Whenever i think about my dad i become sad... i cannot see him anymore.. so who do i have got left? My biological mom sometimes calls me when she is drunk, and starts occusing me of being a bad son. becouse i never contact her. my stephmon died this year due to lung cancer. my dad and i cannot see eachother becouse of my wife... I lost almost all of my friends becouse my wife does not like em.... What am i gonna live for? i see no use
  5. Well. i did tought about confessing about it. But there is just too much at stake. I think it would destroy our marriage. Is that worth it? i dont know. i love my wife very deeply. and i want nothing than see her happy. She is happy right now. I dont know if i could handle a break-up myself right now. i have been getting suicidal toughts lately due to my depression and everything. I do go to counseling. i am in a group therapy. every tuesday the whole day. its a therapy where we try to find ourselfes back again. reconizing our emotions and trying to cope with them. not trying to exile them, but to try and let em be with all the other emotions without having the same weight they have right now. Its a intenste therapy. and ive been on it for about 2 months now, and its getting harder and harder.... they say its something that can happen. escpecially in the beginning of the process, but it feels like im falling down again.... Also i did not mention before (i think) is that my wife has hit me physically in the past couple of years. ( about 3 times ). Without a legit reason. just becouse she ´thought´ i did something, but i did not. She also tells me i have to make a choice between her and my father. becouse they dont get along well, but my father told me he had no problems or whatsoever. and he never talks behind her back to me about her, or tells my i need to make a choice. so i dont see the problem there? But she says i have to choose... but i cant!! i lost my biological mother when i was like 4 years, becouse of here mentally and physically abusing me and my brother, she has never felt like a mother to me. My father left the house when i was 4 and started licing with him on my 10th. On top of that my steph mom died this year.. and nowmy wife wants me to abandon my father???? I just want to find some peace in life... im only 26 but it feels like im 90 i would be ok if life ends right now. im in peace with that
  6. Well i just became a new member of this forum. Just becouse im all out of options i believe.. I am a male and 26 years old. i come from the Netherlands and am employed with the army. My depression came about a year ago. I remember the first day there was something off. it was the day after the clock got set back one hour in oktober. I had this terrible anxiety in my body and thought i was going mental. The whole world became this dark place and i did not even knew who i was myself anymore. I became so scared of what was happening to me that i began panicking and crying out of nothing.. i cried and cried.. but it just did not make me feel any better. The same day i contacted my doctor and got send to this psychiatrist. im in a group therapy right now. every tuesday i go there. But 2 weeks ago i got really scared. i began to get suicidal thoughts .. and it scared the hell out of me. becouse i really dont wanna die... but i cant stop thinking about it.... When ithink about it i start to cry... just like now... i start crying again. I think my problems have a lot of causes. at first when i was a young child i got abused by my mother and her boyfriends. she used to beat me up physicaly and mentaly. She was a alcoholic with alot of anger inside of her. That anger she projected on me and my little brother. she told us she would **** me if i told anyone how bad it was at home. She also used to lock us up in the appartment and went out drinking in the local bar for 2 days in a row without coming home in between. i was just like 6 years old and my brother was 2. i had to take care of him. but whe had no food / gas / water / power. Becouse my mother did not pay the bills. So i began eating cat's and dog food, and feed it to my brother who was 2 years old. My mother also used to beat us up for things we did not do. and whenever we told her the truth about stuff we did wrong she also beat us up. this made me thinkinjg that lying is the best answer to everything. It made me a pathological liar. Nowadays i lie rarely. so i'm proud of that! All of this went on until i was 10 and my father won the lawsuit and we went living with him. After that i had a huge gap to try and close. becouse i did not went to school for 3 - 4 years. I had no communication and social skills. So i got bullied alot at school. Until i became like 14 years old and i got this feeling i had to join the army. I went to train for this like crazy. And had done the mental and physical tests when i was 16. And got the highest score! I felt so proud of myself. So i decided to join a armor infantry unit. (something like the american rangers i think). And went on duty to afghanistan in 2008. In Afghanistan i went trough a rough time. And came back with severe PTSD. I got treated for it for 2,5 years. But it still was there somewhat. Furthermore i had a girlfriend (who is my wife now btw). and things always went great between us. Ofcourse we had our struggles and conflicts. but nothing to crazy. Until 2 years ago. When i heard my stephmom got breast cancer. 6 months later she got declared healty. And about a month after that she got diagnosed with lung cancer. non treatable... At the same time i got a lot more stress from work, becouse i had to find a new job within the army becouse my contract was near its ending. but our government cutting the army's money, made that they had to fire alot of soldiers. At the same time things from my childhood started to rise to the surface. Mentally i became very unstable and my relationship with my girlfirned (at that time) went numb. I felt little to no affection and was starting to feel mentally ill. Everytime i tried to talk to my girlfriend about my mental problems. she would react annoyed. I just could not talk about my feelings and my thoughts. With no one. I also had no real friends to talk with. So this one night when i went out with a sort of friend. i got real drunk becouse i could care less at the moment. i just wanted to release all this stress and anxiety from my body. So i went all crazy with the alcohol and god may know what else...... this made me a complete diffrent person. And i felt like nothing could harm me anymore. So i made the biggest mistake in my whole life... i kissed another girl. Immediatly i felt this huuuge Guilt towards my girlfriend, and i started panicking like crazy. I went out of the club and took the taxy / train right back to my house. Where ofcourse my girlfriend was sleeping. I felt so grose, i just could not lay next to her in bed. In the same period that i felt no affection and or love. but also when i could not talk with her about my issues. I went looking on the internet for someone to talk with about my problems. and i met this woman. But before i knew it we were almost 'sex'ting and she had send me some nude pictures. i felt again terrible about it and disconected with the woman online. Later on my wife found out about the pictures. and i told her they were from some nude-website. i told her that lie becouse i knew she could not handle something like that. Also i did not tell the truth about it becouse i did not follow up on the woman tryin to seduce me into maybe an affair? Why would i hurt my girlfriend with something i stopped myself before it got real nasty? But still becouse of what happened i started to beat myself up like crazy. this was about 14 months ago. this beating up went on and on for about 2 months until the day after the clock got set back one hour. And from that moment it exploded. I became severly depressed, and felt like the only thing that could make it right was ******* myself. Now 12 months after the vulcano eruption of emotions and guilt. i know i am in a better situation. But i still feel horrible. i still feel so guilty.... I did confess to my wife about the kiss. I told her about it 2 months before we got married. Becouse i felt like i owed here the right to make her own decicion about the wedding. She ofcourse was deeply hurt, but told me see had seen how much i was hurting and dying from the inside that she knew i felt bad about it. But i did not confess about the pictures real story... I know she cant handle that right now... and i know i would never let myself get in such sort of situation again. But the guilt from both occasions keeps eating at my soul.. i just cant seem to forgive myself... I feel like the worst person ever, and that i just dont deserve to live anymore. I hope i can find some peace here at the forum(s). and that people wont judge me for what ive done. If u do judge me i wont blame you, i deserve it in the end... i know.. PS: My apologies for my english. Its not my native language.
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