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progress

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  1. Yeah you're right, and since last night I feel very optimistic again. I'm going to take a small break, and go for it again. thanks for your messages, i'm wishing you sincerly goodluck with your issues too :)
  2. Yes I've this problem too, I want and used to be naturally a nice and good person. But bad situations just made me vivious, because i need to attune to those situations to survive. I'm not going to lie, I actually seem to become a real badass. But I want to hang out with certain good people, problem is i'm starting to think I'm not compitable for those people anymore. this is bugging me allot im quiet sure i became someon who i arent, and i don't want to be. the problem is i just stick with thiis, because i do make progress with being bad. I do remove my enemies and those who obstruct my life; and i really need this cause some people are out to get me with wanting my destruction. sadly.. so ive no choice i think. i literally see how my eyes are changed, it has a tint of darkness of evilness; who i do admit i posses. This worries me allot.. im out there to destroy those who want destroy me, theres no other way in my life. This is my mindset, and I LITTERALLY feel like a wolf LOL.. Do you know that look in the eyes of a real wolf just before the moment they will bite in a very cunning way, thats how my eyes i think looks.
  3. Thank you for replying. I'm just really worried it won't be better. I've yet again had a setback, its so tiring. Its so ludacris in the first place all the stuff ive to do to live a normal life. with the foresight that it might not go right, and all this work ive to do for it. and yet again this setback. its so tiring im starting to feel somewhat is it still all worth it? i really just want to be happy once in my life. and the funny thing is i know I can, i've been "invited" too many times to live a good life. I just have to fix certain things of myself(mainly borderline). but yet again i had a setback in this fixing, im so tired. I hunger so bad to be happy i used to go to a theraphist, but i acted bad (not with bad intentions its my dissorder; i faced allot of abuse when i was young and i got my demons) . I know she hates me. idk if i want to go back to that place.
  4. Today I feel so tired of my struggle, it has been so intense today. I feel broken, but theres a chance i can live a happy life if i keep working hard; and I mean really hard. But I'm so tired today, so tired of it all. I feel slightly sucidal again as i used to be back in the day. I wish I had someon to talk too, but i only have these books and other things to continue my progress to become someon; someon happy. this has been going on for years. Just wanted to share this, idk why.. I just want someon to love, thats what i want my entire life. Oh god why is this so hard. :verysad3:
  5. Thanks for the kind words everybody. @Freckledfacy, I really wish I had energy left to keep on going. And proffesional help wouldn't help me with the issue i'm facing. I really wish I could say something else, but with yet another set back I'm just done with my life. The suffering and pain, it isn't worth it anymore. I just can't believe it's over, it really feel I'm just dreaming. 3-4 months ago it seems I was about to get a normal life, but now its all gone. @infinateandDistant, I really appreciate you're trying to bring me up. I wish I could again, I really wish I could. I'm just so tired. I just was so close to a normal life 3-4 months ago.I just can't deal with this. To make it still work out, with what I have now. it just means I keep on suffering. It's not worth it. Today I was thinking just all day, to figure a way out to make it still work. But there seems there's not a way. I will keep on trying and hoping something good will happen until this summer, after that I'm gone. I sound so crazy right now. But I really look out to it, to leave this unfair world. I'm so sorry I really wish I could keep on going. I'm really trying but I can't, I will keep trying. but it feels my flame is off, and my energy is just gone. But the I know nothing good will happen, cause the univisere seems to always go against me. My mind is so bad right now, I can't even type properly anymore. I'll try to jump in your thread, but i can't make promises.
  6. I feel like you. I've all this stressors in my life, and there's nobody there to reach to me how hurt I am. I feel so so lonely.
  7. I don't know if I can take it anymore. I've been struggeling my entire life against everything. And this last year was going good after putting MAYOR effort in it. I even was getting used to becoming normal. But now my skin issues are very severe, after taking a medicine to treat severe malnourishment because I spended 8 years of my youth in the streets cause my parents are abusive. I don't even recognise myself anymore, not even a bit. It's scarey and I think I look like a freak. Atm I just wanna cry and laugh maniacally at the same time, cause it's almost to obivious to me I couldn't win. Something just had to push me back. I recovered from PTSD and HPPD, now i'm still recovering from borderline. I've been to through much. And it all seems for nothing. ffs why I cant I live a normal life?? Who in this universe keeps messing with me, serious i've nothing done wrong. Funny that I was born with a golden and soft, senstive hearth(reason why I've also have this many mental problems, I'm not made for all this BS). Yeah I'm not a angel anymore, but who can blame me after all the stuff people have done to me. And even after all of this, my only intention is to find someon to love and to be loved. Cause I never had that, and I did not became to be a sadist or anything of that. Does it seems I've self-pithy? Yeah I do, it shouldn't end like this for people like me. Was it all for nothing? I used to believe for people like there is a happy ending. There's only fighting and struggeling for me, but I'm empty of fighting energy; I truelly am. If I commit sucide now, it's ok. It's actually complety logical after having lived a life like this. I'm defiantely not going to life it longer, I must be crazy if I do. It's really a natural result after this ammount of BS. Well that's my vent, thanks for reading. Now I'm going to cry the entire night, and plan how I will **** myself this summer. And think about the true love who just loved me who I truelly was, but how I left her cause of my borderline.
  8. haha yeah it's that one, I highly suggest buying his booklist. It's $10, and it's worth the shot. And it seems to me you're unlucky with the people you meet, and the negative occurances that keep happening. But eventually you must strike luck, it's logical it will when you're pushing all that postive things. Maybe even try things to increase your luck? I had a bad year last year, when I met allot of bad type people. This year it's going very well, I've been invited two times already to come hangout. But I didn't accepted it, cause I'm still recovering from boderline. I just want to reach the place where I'm very compatible to marry a girl who's raised with the silver spoon,I've had a abusive parent and lived on the streets for 8 years, so stability really speaks to me and I long it allot. Plus I'm just obssesed with girls in a romantic way, way more then the everage guy. Three years ago, I also met allot of good people but my mental health was very, very bad at that time. The 5, 4 years ago it's was really bad for me, the people I met where rarely good.
  9. You're almost the same age as me, also have a really s***ty family. And spended my last 5 years alone. And not bad looking either. I do have some social skills cause i spended 8 years of my youth on the streets, so they're bad. It seems to me you lack social skills and a bad pshycology But they're all skills, so you can work on them. I know it's hard to go for it when you're depressed, cause of the apathy. I just came back from a 2 month deep depression myself, now im readying again to progress. Please man don't give up !! I'm slowly getting to place where i want to be.
  10. The trick isn't to seek out forcefully a normal life, it's the desperation that comes with it that put people off. Cause it signs that there's something wrong with you. The trick is to pick out the funny or proudfull moments of your loner life, and internalise and present that. Then not to focus on getting a normal life, rather focusing on cool "loner" hobby. Like stock trading. And then to choose a job or something where you've to interact with allot of social people. Eventually friendship flourish, if not move on to a placec with new people of those type.
  11. I remember someon for school who sufferd from mild autistism, who was totally unshamefull for living a nerdy loner life. And was even somewhat proud of it, I do believe he was having therapy to increase his social skills. And was completely honest about his past, he didn't make a big deal of it. He was cheerfull and easy to interact with, he accepted everyone and liked a laugh . Eventual people started to hang out with him, regardless of his past he was just enjoyable to hang out with. What I'm trying to say is, that it isn't really a problem that you've led a certain loner life. It's pretty much how you present it. But somewhat none-ignorant people is neccerasy I presume, and those type of the people are the best anyway.
  12. I like your advices ladyofshallot, and I def need to retrospect on my old relationships to become better. For some kind of reason my skin is clearing up again, to kinda what I had before. Not as good, but certainly not hideous anymore. Maybe something in the universe did hear my cries on that desperate night? I think I saw a angel that night when I was thinking to hang myself, probally just my mind playing tricks on me. I hope my skin stays this way. I'm trying with music and all kind of thoughts to get myself back to same drive for progress I had before. And it seems I'm getting back to that state of mind. I really hope this my last push, my last battles to finish this war. Don't want to sound dramatic, but I think this will be my do or die. Thanks again for responding to me, it mented allot to me :)
  13. Thinking of the possibility(if even very small) of good things happening to me this day, doing that instantly when I'm awake, that helps me allot.
  14. Have you ever consider moving regions? I can't survive either in a region that has a culture with collectivisme/group-thinking. I moved to a region where invidualisme, left and liberal thinking is dominant, and people treat me so much better I can be who I am and people are totally respectfull and fine about it.
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